Original subtitles

[party music]

[salsa music]

[Beach Boys singing "Sloop John B"]

* My grandfather and me *

* Around Nassau town, we did roam *

* Drinking all night *

* Got into a fight *

* Oh yeah *

* Well I feel so broke up *

* I want to go home *

* So hoist up the John B's sail *

* Hoist up the John B's sail *

* See how the mainsail sets *

* See how the mainsail sets *

* Call for the Captain ashore let me go home *

* Let me go home *

* I wanna go home, yeah yeah *

* Well I feel so broke up *

* I wanna go home *

[humming]

[humming continues]

* Why don't you leave me alone, yeah yeah *

* Well I feel so broke up I wanna go home *

[laughing]

Hey, you're not nervous, are you?

A little.

Oh, Sam!

You're a kind, caring, responsible young man.

And I know that if you just be yourself.

Everyone's gonna end up loving you as much as we do.

And that is a whole heck of a lot.

I love you buddy.

[kissing] Mmm!

I love you guys too. Thanks.

[people chattering]

[guitar music]

(male #1) 'Yeah, man, short is the new tall.'

Are you sure, he's a senior?

- Nice haircut. - Thanks. M-My mom cuts it.

You must be Sam Leonard!

- Yes. - I'm Principal Hayes.

But if you prefer to call me Marcus

that's perfectly alright with me.

Thanks. Thanks, Marcus.

Come on, I'll walk you to your locker.

I just want you to know, what a pleasure it is

to have you joining our student body for your senior year.

I'm-I'm glad to be here too, sir.

Great, really great!

Of course, your parents have already informed me

you're in the running for the Math Association scholarship.

That's quite an accomplishment.

Well, I-I haven't won anything yet but thank you.

This is your locker. It's one of my favorites.

This is your welcome package.

Go Possums.

Sam, you have a great first day.

Hey, Jack.

Those are fantastic new sneakers you have on.

[Sam humming]

What is that you were humming?

Uh, it-it was nothing.

No, I liked it, what was it?

Uh, Sloop John B by The Beach Boys.

- Shhh! - Who?

Uh, they were pioneers of surf music back in the '60s.

Oh, can you sing that song you were humming

so I can see if I know it?

Well-well, alright.

* So hoist up the John B's sail *

* See how the mainsails set *

* Call for the captain ashore *

* Let me go home. Let me go home *

- You know it? - No, no, keep going.

* I wanna go home *

* Yeah yeah yeah *

* De de de de de de *

[everyone laughing]

They can't hear you, little man.

[laughing continues]

I don't know the rest.

[bell ringing]

You gotta toughen up, newbie.

And...I would have gone with something more like Surfin' USA

or Little Deuce Coupe.

[blowing whistle]

Alright, let's hit the showers.

Hey, hold on. Who's uh, Sam Leonard?

I got your parents note and wearing your bathing suit

in the shower is fine.

[everyone laughing]

Thank you, sir.

[knocking on door]

You need a note to get out of gym?

(Sam Leonard) 'Uh, no.'

Condoms?

Actually, I was just looking for a little guidance.

What exactly does that have to do with me?

Aren't you a guidance counselor?

Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. Have a seat, buddy.

Don't drop anything.

Why don't you tell me a little bit about your problem, name?

Today was my first day here

and-and I thought this school might be different

but I'm already getting absolutely killed.

Life isn't a sprint, it's a marathon.

Oh, well...uh, right.

I start out being myself, you know?

I-I try being friendly and nice, but clearly

I'm doing something wrong.

I believe it was Thomas Jefferson that once said

"Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom."

Come on, man. I need some real help here.

This is my senior year, you know?

I definitely can't do another year as the short, weird kid.

Look, what do you want, pal? You want tail, is that it?

No. I-I mean, yeah, someday, but...it's not what I'm after.

I just, I just want one last shot at being cool.

Yeah, and I want to live next to a Xanax factory with no locks.

It's not gonna happen.

Listen, I know where you're coming from.

I was there once, okay? Rough childhood, right?

Mommy drinks too much, daddy's in and out of jail, is that it?

My dad's a flight attendant for..

I'm sorry, your dad's a stewardess?

[laughing]

Okay, I'm sorry.

Alright, a-are you good at anything?

Are you good at video games, sports

forging your parents' signatures?

I'm, I'm somewhat of a math wiz. At my last school

my teacher used to call me his prince polynomials.

[laughing]

Don't ever say that out loud again, okay?

Alright, hey, kid. Kid?

You wanna know the truth? Okay.

I'll tell you the truth.

The truth is the truth sucks.

We live in a moral cesspool of lies.

I've tried to live my life honestly and look at me.

I'm a high school guidance counselor

with a freakishly high tolerance

for prescription pain medication.

You think this is my dream? You think when I was growing up

I had posters on the wall of guidance counselors?

Look, if you wanna get anything out of life

you gotta put some spin on the ball, okay?

You want, you want kids here to like you at school, you lie.

Lie about who you are where you're from, what you got.

They'll believe you because they're dumb, okay?

In fact, if you remember one thing from your 5 years of

high school in our society winners always lie

and liars always win.

And don't do drugs.

* Let me go home Why don't you let me go home *

* Hoist up the John B's sail Hoist up the John B's sail *

(Mr. Leonard) 'Yea-eah-eah! Chug-A-chug.

[laughing]

Hey, hey. What about our..

I'm sorry, but you should go now. Thanks.

Dude, sweet as sugar syrup.

Uh, yeah, I know it's totally embarrassing having

my parents drop me off while my, um, uh...porsche is in the shop.

You have a Porsche?

Yeah, she's getting all... pimped out right now.

So, uh, just, you know keep on D.L.

[guitar music]

- Hey, um, idiot. - Oh, hey.

When you signed this picture yourself, you misspelled Carmen.

Yeah, man, who's Camren Electra?

Ah, come on, come on guys that, that's not, that's not cool.

I mean, everybody everybody knows that she's dyslexic.

Trust me, I-I know, she's a friend from back in L.A.

Great girl.

'You know, now that I think about it..'

...I'm pretty sure she is dyslexic.

Yeah, you know what? I think

I remember reading something about that too.

- Where-where are you going? - Kyle?

[bell ringing]

Out of all the others, I have chosen you.

Excuse me?

I didn't have time to do my homework

So, I have chosen you to give me the answers.

And, if I like your work

we can have an arrangement where you give me the answers

for the rest of the year.

I didn't do it either.

Yeah, you should probably, just choose someone else, please

because I-I really suck at math.

Seriously, I'm-I'm like, I'm like a pre-schooler.

Alright, everyone, let's have your homework.

(male #2) 'Yes. Thank you, thank you.'

Thank you.

Can you hand me your homework, please?

I don't have it.

- Now, why would that be? - My dog ate it?

[everyone laughing]

Your dog ate it?

Uh...he has this fetish and he's constantly eating my homework.

I'm not sure that joining the no-homework club

your first week here

is the best way for you to get that math scholarship.

[bell ringing]

Any more forced singing?

- Oh. Hey. - I'm Annie.

Sam.

- Good morning, readers. - Morning, Mrs. Moran.

[jazz music]

Please, don't tell me you're one of those guys

who actually thinks he has a shot with his teacher.

Ahem. No. No, no, no.

Not one of those guys.

Because I actually do have a shot.

Really? And why is that?

Well, let's just say that..

...if things ended up getting hot and heavy

wouldn't be the first time.

At my last school, my social studies teacher had a huge crush

on me like she was in love with me, like she wanted to marry me.

She ended up leaving her husband was forced to resign.

Because of that, now I know...that

Mrs. Moran will be into me as well.

Are you drunk?

Alright, for our Othello project, I'd like everyone

to partner up with someone today so that you can all get started.

I hate group projects.

I always end up doing all of the work.

Huh. Tell me about it.

You wanna partner up?

[laughing]

I guess it can't hurt to share a grade with a guy who's having

a steamy affair with the teacher.

[blues music]

* I'm comin' over *

* See me down at the station *

* By the lane with my hands in my pocket *

* Jinglin' a wish coin that I stole from a fountain *

* That was drowning all the cares in the world *

* When I get older climbin' up on the back porch fence *

* Just to see the dogs runnin' *

* With a ring and a question *

* And my shiverin' voice is singin' *

* Through a crack in the window Na, na-na-na-na *

* I better go it alone *

* Na na-na-na-na *

* I better go it alone *

* Na na-na-na-na *

Hey, so you wanna go sit over there?

They totally humiliated you yesterday.

That table is the land of milk and honey.

It's the same in every school.

Always laughing, always cool and charming.

Always happy. I mean, who wouldn't want that?

Please, that's just what they want you to think.

Trust me, their lives suck. Just as bad as ours.

- Hey, hey, hey. - What?

Who's that?

Vicki Sanders. There you go, start dating her

and you can sit there all you want.

[orchestra music]

- Sam? - What?

- You know I'm joking, right? - It's-It's perfect.

It's exactly what I gotta do.

No, she dates basketball players.

Specifically, Kyle Plunkett.

You'll get assassinated if you ask her out.

Or maybe, just maybe, she'll say yes and before you know it

I'll be sitting over there, swapping "how do you dos"

with the Bridgeport elite.

[laughing]

[guitar music]

I'm sorry. This seat's saved.

[everyone laughing]

But there wasn't even a chair here.

Oh. There is now. Thank you.

[laughing]

Look at this kid. Isn't he short?

(male #1) 'What a loser.'

(male #2) 'Where's the golf course?'

[everyone laughing]

Should we go shopping for engagement rings now?

Actually, if you must know it went just as I expected.

Wow, you set amazingly low goals for yourself. I like it.

You can't just expect her to jump into my arms

right in front of Kyle.

- But there was something there? - Oh, yeah, definitely.

I mean, tch, we have major chemistry.

So, you've been here what, a day?

And already Mrs. Moran and Vicki Sanders are lusting after you?

Uh, well, you know they're, uh, different.

Really? How are they different?

Well, you see Vicki is more of the, ahem

dangerous stalker, sex in the bathroom

Spanish soap opera type, and--

Okay, stop. That's not possible.

I have Spanish with Vicki

and she can't conjugate a verb to save her life.

Cut the crap. Look, I-I get it you're lying

to-to jazz up your otherwise miserable life.

But hanging out with them really cannot be worth all this.

Some of you guys may've heard

my, uh, my house got vandalized after our last loss.

- Uh, again. Heh-heh. - Ha-ha-ha.

Uh, we're gonna be cutting practice a little short today

so I can go buy a new garage door.

[laughing]

[laughing]

- 'Ha-ha-ha.' - 'Woo!'

(male #3) 'Does he shave his legs?'

(Coach Henderson) 'Uhh, start with two lines of lay-up drills.'

Hey. Who are you?

I'm, uh, Sam Leonard.

- Who sent you? - Uh, n-no one.

I'm transferred into your class, I was hoping to be on the team.

We're last and in the middle of a 4-game losing streak, right?

Oh, but-yeah, but it's not always about winning, right?

Not in Bridgeport. He-he.

Come on kid! I don't think we'll have a uniform that fits you.

I mean, the-the shorts are gonna go up to your nipples.

I was the star point guard at my, uh, last school.

Was that a boys' school?

Seriously, coach, I never, never miss a shot.

My bad.

* Pistol of fire pistol of fire *

* Pistol of fire *

* Shattered the frame *

* Go hug your sister go love your sister *

* Go hug your sister one and the same *

* Aaaow *

* Come home for that rooster crows *

Aaagh!

(male #3) 'Last time I got basketball scholarship.'

- 'Awesome!' - 'What's a scholarship?'

Check this out. Not only does he play like a girl

but he must be hung like one too.

[everyone laughing]

It-it's not small.

- Oh, yeah, man. - Yeah, right.

Look, look, if you just admitted you had a micro

we would tease you a little and then let it go.

But when you lie to our faces it insults us

and we have to make an issue out of it.

So just admit you're sporting a chapstick.

- Ha-ha-ha, chapstick! - Ha ha!

And we'll let it go!

The-The truth and matter is... I'm hung like a newborn.

- Oh! Ha-ha-ha! - You see!

- Even he admits it. - Ha-ha-ha.

7 pounds, 18 inches.

The-The coach made me promise to keep it covered

so I wouldn't hurt your self-esteem

right before the next game.

Dude, that would, that would really scare me.

What? You're not believing this dwarf?

[car honking]

Hey, guess who got two tickets to Homecoming.

Ah, you're joking, right?

Get in.

Will Vicki be picking you up?

Or will you be escorting her on your bike?

Uhh, I'm not gonna ask Vicki.

Why, what happened? I thought you guys really had something.

'That is just it.'

I got a note in my-my locker from Kyle

basically warning me to stay away from her.

Well, that sounds really threatening.

'He said that if I didn't stay away from her.'

Well, then he would douse me in some sort of common

household cleanser pull me behind his truck

and, uh, hook my nuts up to a car battery.

Yeah, I think he even wrote it in blood.

Who are you gonna ask, then?

* Well I'm reading this poem and it's so profound *

* And I-I like its rhythm *

My mom's an artist. Avant-garde.

'Her work's way out there.'

Very famous, Jill Leonard, perhaps you heard of her?

* And I start to realize *

You wanna go to Homecoming?

My name's Sam Leonard, and my dad's a pretty big rock star.

Isn't your dad a little old to be a rock star?

Uhh, well, yeah-well, it's not really a current band.

Well, what band is it?

- Poison. - Ha-ha, Poison?

That horrible hair metal band from the '80s?

Anyway, my dad's like making this huge comeback

so if you're interested in maybe getting some backstage passes..

Maybe you and I could talk about it at homecoming.

5, 6, 7, 8!

Got kicked out of school for sending

the principal to the hospital.

[car honking]

And if this new one even looks at me funny.

Ge might be making a trip to the E.R. as well.

Awesome. So, I was thinking, you know maybe you wanna

go to homecoming with me to watch me kick his ass.

* Lies, lies, lies, lies *

* Lies lies, lies lies *

* Lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies *

(Annie) 'So, you find your big homecoming date yet?'

No, and I literally asked out every girl in school

who doesn't take the short bus.

Well, I don't take the short bus.

Yeah, but, I'm only trying to ask out girls

who I'm 99% sure will say no. You're a full 100%.

Well, that was in the past. Things change, people change.

Alright, Annie, do you wanna go to Homecoming with me?

- No, I hate Homecoming. - Appreciate it.

[phone ringing]

(Mr. Leonard) 'Good evening?'

(Mrs. Leonard) 'How do you like the brussels sprouts?'

(Mr. Leonard) 'Oh, yes, Hello.'

- Mmmm! They're great. - Really?

I'd have them every meal if I could.

(Mr. Leonard) 'I appreciate you calling.' Well, thank you.'

Sam, that was your math teacher, Mr. Von Der Ahe.

He's worried you might be getting off on the wrong foot

'since you didn't do your first homework assignment.'

Sam, is this true?

I can't believe that you'd jeopardize your chance

at the scholarship like this.

No, no. I-I did my homework.

'Oh, so you're saying the teacher's lying?'

I did my homework but I told him I didn't.

- So you're the one who's lying. - Yeah, I guess, in a way, but--

You know what they say about liars, don't you, Sam?

That-that their pants are on fire?

Oh, no. Please don't.

(Mr. Leonard) 'Sam, Sam.'

[blowing conch shell]

Leonard family meeting will now come to order.

- Hank Leonard. - Here.

- Jill Leonard. - Okay, we're clearly all here--

- Jill Leonard. - Here.

Sam Leonard.

Are-are you kidding? You know I'm here--

- Sam Leonard. - Okay.

You know what?

Here.

You know the meeting rules, nothing but the truth.

Now, why have you been lying?

You guys have no idea how hard it is out there.

I'm down in the trenches every day trying to make people

actually like me.

A-and do you know how embarrassing it is

having my entire family drop me off at school in that

piece-of-crap car kissing and hugging you

like some sort of baby? Do you?

Well, Sam, w-what can we do to help?

'Nothing.'

Look, Sam. Maybe if you could just explain to us why you lied.

Because lying works. People actually like me when I lie.

No, Sam, you have got to be yourself! People will love you--

Oh, dad, cut it. That's the biggest lie of all.

Being yourself works great if you're actually great

but what if you're a massive loser like me?

Okay, that is it. No more lying, end of story.

No. Not end of story.

My life sucks and lying is the only thing that makes it better.

That's why I lied today and I'm gonna lie tomorrow

and that's why there's nothing anyone can do to stop me.

Oh!

Oh, that's great. That's really just great!

[opera music]

[panting]

[alarm ringing]

[growling]

What are you..

Let go!

Just gimme the..

[rock music]

* I've spent my whole life surrounded *

* And I've spent my whole life alone *

* I wonder why I never wonder why *

* The easiest things are so hard *

* Oh something *

* Something for nothing *

* Oh something *

* Something for nothing *

Good morning, Sam. How you doin', fella?

What the hell's that supposed to mean?

I was just wondering how you're getting along.

You know what, Marcus? I don't need you wondering

about me anymore, okay? I can wonder myself, thank you.

- Y-you alright, Sam? - Keep it up and find out.

Annie, there is something really wrong with me.

- You just figured that out? - No, I'm serious.

- Good morning, readers. - Hey, Mrs. Moran.

I don't know what it is, okay?

All I know is something really freaky is going on.

Hi, Samuel.

Oh, uh, hi...Mrs. Moran.

Ahem.

Alright, before we get started today, I'd like to know

'who you're partnered up with for our Shakespeare project.'

- So, uh, Kevin? - Uh, I'm with Paul.

- Alexis? - Ashley.

Mm-hmm.

Samuel?

Oh, Annie.

Oh.

Right, in Shakespeare's Othello.

Who can tell me, what is the core irony of Iago?

Annie.

The core irony of Iago is that he's viewed by everyone

in the play as a moral and trustworthy individual

'of the highest order.'

'But his true character is that of an immoral liar'

'who manipulates everyone in the name of bettering'

his personal circumstances.

No. Wrong.

Samuel?

I-I-I don't know.

But I think some pretty bad stuff happens.

[everyone laughing]

That is exactly right.

The core irony of Shakespeare's Othello

is as Samuel so eloquently points out to us

some pretty bad stuff, does happen.

Thank you, Samuel.

[bell ringing]

What is this?

My homework.

It's five-sixteenths of your homework.

Look, Mr. Von Der, I swear, I can do this stuff in my sleep.

In that case you'll have no difficulty

in solving the problem on the board.

Alright.

[orchestra music]

First let's take the square of, I think, right here.

Addition it.

Over 2.

Do you have the answer, Sam?

It's unsolvable. Can't be done.

[everyone laughing]

Hey, good workout, buddy, killer stuff.

Holy Jesus. Is that thing real?

Dude, it's like a firehose.

Oh, no, no, it's thicker. It's like...bridge cable.

* Hoo hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo *

* Well it's mine and I'm happy *

* I can't help it it's just me *

* If you're wondering what happened *

* That's keepin' me laughin' just you look and you can see *

* Doesn't matter what they think doesn't matter what they say *

* Doesn't matter 'cause I'm happy now *

* If you think at any time that they listened to me *

* They'd see I'm happy 'cause I'm me-e-e *

* That I'm happy I can't help it it's just me *

* If you wondered what happened that's keepin' me laughing.. *

Annie.

Not even a passing glance at their table

are you feeling okay?

Yes.

- I...am. - Oh.

I just hit puberty.

- Overnight? - N-yes.

You've gotta see, it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

I even had to adjust it.

I think, you're gonna have to adjust your medication

because it's obviously way too low.

I'm serious. I-I don't know, what's going on?

But something really freaky is happening.

Hola.

How are you today, Sam?

Sam?

Uh...fine.

I was just wondering if you were--

Uh...hello.

Oh, I didn't even see you there.

So, I'm organizing Homecoming this year

and I'm just trying to figure out who's coming.

I'd rather be flogged with wet bamboo.

Oh...what about you, Sam?

Sam?

Uh.

I am so...going to Homecoming.

Fantastic, because I think, this could be

the best Homecoming ever.

I too think this could be the best Homecoming ever.

- Vicki Sanders. - You've gotta be kidding me.

I mean...who knows what could happen there?

Well, adios, Sam.

I told you something was happening.

Ha-ha, okay. That was a little weird.

It's been happening all day. Cold-cocking Principal Hayes

- Mrs. Moran flirting with me-- - Don't forget your..

Mm. So funny you should remember that.

You were so proud of it.

- Oh, my God. - What? What's wrong?

All my lies are coming true.

You're about to fly off the planet, man.

No, no, seriously. Think about it.

Each and every one of those things, I lied about.

The broken mirror.

Okay, Sam, your lies are not magically coming true overnight.

It's just a big series of coincidences, okay?

- I promise. - Jesus had his doubters too.

Wow, okay, um. That's my cue, I gotta go.

Or maybe something magical clashes with your jaded

cynical view of the world.

Are you saying all this to get out of writing our paper?

No, I'm gonna do it.

Okay, so, um...let's meet in two hours in the library.

Okay. I'll see you at six.

2 o'clock, Sam...in the library. Don't let me down.

- Ahem. - Oh, hey.

Are you and that girl from lunch dating?

- Uh-no, uh, no. - Good.

Look, I'm way hungry. Do you wanna go get something to eat?

I-I'd like to really, but... I-I'm supposed to meet Annie

sometime soon in the library... to work on a project.

Well...are you sure that you can't join me?

- Um. - Hm?

No.

Good.

Let's go. Heh.

[instrumental music]

(Vicki Sanders) Yeah, I have like the ugliest nose in the world.

(Sam) You're crazy, it's-it's beautiful.

Aww. That's sweet.

Look, I have to get going. Have to meet Kyle.

But I'm having a party at my house this weekend.

Do you think you might be able to make it?

Yeah. I-I mean...yeah, sounds-sounds fad.

Of course.

[music continues]

[grunting]

* Going to a party *

* Going to *

What the..

[jazz music]

(female #1) 'Sally Berkeley.'

(female #1) 'Woman as landscape.'

Heady, Jill, heady.

But this begs the question.

Are the legs opening or closing on the female experience?

(male #4) 'It's very third rate.'

Aw, is-is-is that a woman's..

Oh. God. Mom!

- What's going on here? - Impromptu art jam, Sam.

I had to show some friends my latest work.

Self-portrait in pink.

Oh, God, okay. Oh, God. Alright.

Childhood trauma. Childhood trauma.

Don't mind us, sweetie. Just grab a latte and a scone.

Childhood trauma. Childhood trauma.

Childhood trauma. Childhood trauma.

Oh. Oh.

Okay. Childhood trauma. Childhood trauma.

(Sam) 'That's what I'm trying to tell you.'

(Sam) 'More of my lies are coming true.'

My mom paints female...you know.

Female private parts now.

And why would you lie about that?

I didn't. I lied about her being an avant-garde artist

and now our house is some sort of installation art piece.

Look, Annie, that's why I'm calling.

- What other lies have I told? - Well, let's see. Here's one.

"I'll meet you in the library at two o'clock, Annie."

I'm sorry.

But, uh, the guidance counselor

called me in for a really important meeting.

Sam, I've met the guidance counselor.

Look, Annie, I'm super sorry I flaked on you.

Well, sorry doesn't write our paper by tomorrow.

It's not gonna be a problem. I'll do it.

All by myself, okay? I promise.

No, no, no.

Gi-Give me..

[dog snarling]

Give me that homework.

No.

Give me the homework. Give me..

[dog growling]

Ugh.

[dog scratching the door]

- Si, si. Ciao. - Mom?

A critic saw one of my pieces at the community center

'told his friends.'

And when you get traction in the art world

you've gotta leverage it.

I guess.

Look, mom, do you think you could help me with something?

Love to, but my agent wants me in Gstaad for an opening.

- So, perhaps when I get back. - Sure.

Uh, then, do you know if dad's around?

I-I just really need to talk to somebody.

There's some pretty weird stuff goin' on.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Dad, what are you wearing?

I just got in from my gig.

What gig?

Man, this comeback tour's way harder than I expected it to be.

Ah.

So, you're in Poison.

Was in Poison, son. Was.

But, ah, this solo gig is gonna put me

right back up on the top again. Whoo. Ow.

God, you smell like Pabst Blue Ribbon.

That's a compliment coming from Vincent Van Beaver over there.

(Mrs. Leonard) 'It's art, Hank.'

Maybe to a gynecologist.

I have to get to the airport.

Are you sober enough to drive Sam to school?

I doubt it. He can drive himself.

- What? - I really gotta hit the rack.

Just try and keep her under 100, huh, Sambo?

Under 100?

Sambo?

Ugh.

Dad?

Mom?

* Well I'm a weapon of mass destruction *

* Got no apologies for a hyper concussion *

I might not die a virgin after all.

* Take your love and turn it into obscenity *

* You say that I don't care about *

* All the little things that you care about *

* All the..*

[engine starting]

* things that I don't care about *

* All the little things that make you wanna shout *

[engine starting]

* Ah, me, me, me is all you say that I care about *

* Me, me, me, me is all I ever wanna talk about *

* Me, me, me, me is what you think that I care about *

* Me, me, me, me is all I really wanna.. *

[engine sputtering]

That is a gorgeous car you have there, Sam.

* And all the kids on the street *

* They think I'm neat, neat, neat, neat, neat *

[bell ringing]

Did you finish the paper?

'You've got to be kidding me.'

Look, when it's your life you're messing up, that's fine

but don't bring me down with you.

I'm sorry, okay? I'll make it up. I promise.

How? She's gonna give us an F on the paper, Sam.

Maybe not.

- Hey. - Hey.

So, uh, you're never gonna believe this, but..

...my-my dog ate my paper.

And it-it's kinda hard to read, but if you still want--

I definitely still want it.

Okay.

Looks like you have a very bad dog, Samuel.

Did you spank her like a naughty bitch?

Because she sounds like a naughty bitch.

We-we, uh, we-we discipline her sometimes.

Well, it looks like you need to discipline her harder.

Wow. Okay. Well, uh..

Okay. Thank you so much for being so cool about that.

I'm just gonna go back to my seat now.

I have a feeling we're gonna do great on this paper.

[crowd jeering]

Henderson sucks. Henderson sucks.

Defense. Defense, that's your man.

What is that?

Henderson sucks.

I got it.

- What? No, ref. - 15 green, foul.

- Come on. - That's 5, coach.

Hey, hey, hey.

That's 5. You're done, son.

- What? What? What? - Hey, hey, you gotta sit down.

That's 5 fouls, Kyle. He says you gotta sit.

- What? - Coach, you need a replacement.

I don't got anybody else. They're all fouled out.

What about the little guy over there?

- How about we play with four? - Five or you forfeit.

Fine.

Leonard, you're in.

What?

You're in.

[percussion music]

I'm open. I'm open.

[crowd booing]

That's our basket, douche bag. You know what?

Just stay the hell back here and try not to touch the ball.

- 'You suck.' - 'Come on.'

[coach whistling]

[crowd cheering]

Okay, let's run that play again.

* I wanna check into the Paris Hilton *

* Trade inside like Mr. Milken *

* Ice-cream and cherries, it's very necessary *

* To pick me some Halle Berries *

* You better believe I want to try it *

* To climb the mountains of Salma Hayek *

* Hotter than lava Brazilian hot mama *

* it's Adriana it's Adriana Lima oh *

* Oh oh-oh-oh-oh oh..*

Time, time, time. Get in here.

Get in here. Huddle up.

Alright, boys.

What did I always tell you the Possums' motto was?

When the going gets tough, we lay down and play dead?

Tonight, we stand a chance. Let's get out and try

to win this here. 76-74. So, the only shot

we can think about taking is a..

- Three-pointer. - Free throw.

- Free throw is one point. - I know.

Leonard, look on the scoreboard. We're down by...what?

Uh, 13 and a half.

- What? - Seven-eighths.

But-but then you have to--

- We need a 3-pointer. - Okay.

What play shall we do, coach?

What does it matter? You get the ball to Leonard

he can kick it in for all I care.

Anybody got a better idea than that?

- No. - Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

Give it to me.

- Possums! - Oh!

We really got this. Nothing to worry about.

[theme music continues]

* Oh oh-oh-oh-oh oh *

* I'm on fire *

* Yeah mama let's have some fun *

* Come on come on *

[phone ringing]

Hello, BDI.

- 'I can prove it.' - What?

(Sam over phone) 'That my lies are coming true.'

- Sam? - 'Uh, look out the window.'

* Along with fear *

* There goes the fear again *

* There goes the fear *

* And cars speed fast *

* Out of here *

Hey, where did you get this car?

- You wanna come to a party? - No, not really.

There's a huge basketball keg party at Vicki Sanders' house.

Really? Kegs, basketball guys and Vicki Sanders. Let's go.

How can you adequately mock this party if you're not there?

Look, just think about how much more above it all you'll be

if you come.

[rock music theme]

Yo, Bridge Cable, you the man!

Since when are you friends with the super-size kids?

I kinda helped win the game today.

Kinda? He single-handedly won the game.

And now every girl at school is asking about him.

- Really? - Yeah.

Who-who-who specifically?

Okay, everyone wants to know who you're taking to Homecoming.

I don't-I don't know. I'm still, you know

weighing out my, ahem, options. Right?

[speaking Spanish]

* The sun shone down The world seems right *

* During the day it feels like night *

* I'm shot down.. *

Dude, your girl is totally freaking Bridge Cable.

* You never know what you might find *

[music continues]

Oh.

Man, I've never seen Vicki dance like that before.

I've never seen anyone dance like that before.

Ha ha ha.

* I'm shot down I'm gripping tight *

* You never know what you might find *

[crowd cheering]

I'm sure it's nothing though, dude.

Whatever. The kid is still a loser.

Is that Carmen Electra?

Is Sam Leonard here?

[silence]

Hey. I heard about your game on the radio

and I just had to come by and say congratulations.

I baked you a cake.

Oh, Sammy.

I am so proud of you.

(male #5) 'That's my boy.'

- 'Whoo-hoo.' - 'Yeah.'

(Sam) Cake, anyone?

[crowd cheering]

[hip-hop music]

[speaking Spanish]

- What? - Kiss me, my love.

Wait, wait, wait. Vicki, what about Kyle?

Oh, he's cool with this.

Look, just because she went into the bathroom

with a really well-hung basketball stud slash rock star

who drives a Porsche and hangs out with smokin' hot mamas

that doesn't mean anything's going on.

Yeah, maybe they're just chatting.

Oh, Vicki Sanders' left boob.

Unbelievable.

Can I?

Oh. Gracias.

Okay. Okay.

Enough of the kids' stuff.

I'm ready, Sam.

- Okay...for what? - To lose my virginity.

- Wh-what? To-to me? - To you.

- Now? - Now.

Vicki, we're in a bathroom. Don't you want it to be special?

Aw. That's what you're supposed to say.

- It's a belt. - No, I think it..

Oh...my...God.

[speaking Spanish]

- 'It's not what you think.' - Yes, it is.

Please, don't kill me.

(Vicki) 'Sam!'

Go, Sam. Go!

[music continues]

* Ah, me, me, me, me is all you think that I care about *

* Me, me, me, me is all I ever wanna talk *

[speaking Spanish]

You're my boyfriend now.

I'm over Kyle, I love you now.

- Hey, Sam. - Hey.

(female #2) 'Hi, Sam.'

(male #5) 'Bridge Cable.'

Sam, can I talk to you?

This-this'll just take a minute.

Okay.

So, uh, what's up?

Oh. Um, okay.

Well, uh.

What I wanted to tell you is...um.

I bought two tickets to Homecoming.

You? Homecoming?

Annie, thi-this is huge.

Wh-wh-what made you change your mind?

You were so excited about it. So, I thought...what the hell.

So, uh, who are you going with?

Uh, um.

You're not the only one that-that hasn't been

completely honest here.

I just-I just think that-that what we have together

is really cool. And I just thought..

...maybe we could explore it a little further.

Wow.

I-I don't-I don't know what to say.

Oh, God, this is so high school.

Do you wanna go to Homecoming with me?

Umm, but I'm with-I'm with Vicki.

But...Vicki's a stupid ho.

Yeah, okay, but..

...you don't just leave the hottest, most popular girl

in school for..

For someone like me.

Annie, I-I didn't mean it like that, it was just..

You are pathetic.

I got a call from a scout at State last night

saying that I'm no longer on the recruiting list.

This kid stole my girlfriend, my point guard position

and my future, in one day.

'He even stole my parking spot, for Christ's sakes.'

That parking spot thing, man, that's totally uncalled for.

This kid needs to pay!

Yeah, you know what? How about we dress him up as a cheerleader

push him into a stall in the girls' bathroom

and give him a swirly?

Wait. Or, we could, uh, smear peanut butter in his hair

shave off his eyebrows, and then parade him

around the cafeteria at lunch.

That's awesome.

Or, or, or how about we douse him in some sort of

common household cleanser, pull him behind my truck

and hook his nuts up to my car battery?

[piano music]

I just wanted to have this little sit-down with you, Sam

uh, because Mr. Von Der Ahe has informed me that..

...you haven't turned in any homework since you started.

'I have no choice but to..'

...take you out of the running for the math scholarship.

'It's also district policy that I put you on probation.'

Which means, unfortunately, that one more slip-up and..

...I have to expel you.

Are you sure there isn't anything you'd like to say?

Bite me, Marcus!

(Mrs. Leonard) 'I get two monkeys..'

Well, I get the coconut monkeys then.

Oh, fine.

Hank, I'm tired of fighting about the coconut monkeys.

Go ahead and take the coconut monkeys.

What's going on? What-what are you guys doing?

- Dividing up our stuff. - We're getting divorced.

Didn't you read the post-it note we put on the fridge?

The-the post-it?

What?

We've just grown apart. I mean, I'm a rock star on his comeback

and she paints hoo-has. How could it ever work?

We'll talk about this later, but I'm supposed to be in Prague.

No, you-you can't leave. I-I need you guys.

Aww, Sam, I know it may seem

like your world's coming to an end, but it's not, okay?

It's just adolescence. This too shall pass.

No, mom, it's a little more than that.

Look, I told all these lies, and now they've magically come true

and I can't get out of it.

He gets his creativity from my side of the family.

No, I'm-I'm telling the truth. I'm not lying.

Dad, I'm literally failing out of school.

I'm not getting the MAA scholarship.

Tommy Lee didn't go to college.

Education is overrated. Go to the university of life!

Bam!

Gotta go, my cab's here.

Yeah, I'm late for my sound check.

Where's it?

Leonard family meeting!

[blowing seashell]

Leonard family meeting!

Sam Leonard, here!

Jill Leonard!

Hank Leonard.

Sorry, son. My fans need me.

Ha ha! Whoo-hoo!

Dad, come back. Dad, please.

Dad.

[alarm ringing]

[door opening]

[Violent Femmes singing "Lies"]

* Lie lie lie lie lie You lie lie lie lie lie *

* Tell me why tell me why Why d'you have to lie *

* Should've realized that you should've told the truth *

* Should've realized you know what I'll do *

* You're in suspension *

* You're a liar *

* Now I wanna know now now now I wanna know *

* Why you never look me in the face *

* Broke a confidence just to please your ego *

* Should've realized you know what I know *

* You're in suspension *

Oh, my God. My nuts.

* I know where you go everybody you know *

* I know everything that you do or say *

* So when you tell lies I'll always be in your way *

* I'm nobody's fool and I know all *

I loved your paper, Samuel. It read like a poem.

- Thank you, Mrs. Moran. - It's not Mrs. Moran anymore.

Mr. Moran and I have separated. And I need...a man.

* You're in suspension *

[bell dinging]

Oh, look, more children.

We'll just have to finish this tonight.

What? We will?

I'm chaperoning the Homecoming dance. Don't be late.

* You're a southern man you're a northern soul *

* You're a west-ender you got an eastern soul *

* But you're no one at all *

* You're a rich man you're a poor man *

* You're this man then you're that man *

* But you're no one at all *

* You're a liar you're a winner *

* An expert and a beginner *

* But you're no one at all *

* When the wind blows that's when you know *

* That your nose grows and your face shows *

* That you're no one at all *

* You're a hard rock with your own space *

* You're a disgrace but you've got your grace *

* But you're no one at all *

[phone ringing]

BDI, where the only thing colder than the ice cream

is my attitude. This is Annie. How may I help ya?

Ooh, F.Y.I., I'm pregnant.

What?

[upbeat music]

- Don't you want a family? - Yeah, yeah, someday, but..

It's not even possible, we never actually got to..you know.

So, let's start right now, then.

So, you're not pregnant.

Oh, God, I hope he has your eyes.

Why did you--

Come on!

Oh, my God, you're insane. I gotta get out of here.

- Come on! Come on. - Ah!

Haven't you always wanted to do it in a public toilet?

[speaking Spanish]

And when were you gonna tell me about all this, huh?

Mrs. Moran.

Hi.

No, wait. Mrs. Moran, wait.

Wait, wait.

Come on, it's time for the big announcement.

And this year's Bridgeport Homecoming king and queen are..

...Vicki Sanders and Sam Leonard!

[band music]

* I don't remember what day it was *

* I didn't notice what time it was *

* All I know is that I fell in love with you *

* And if all my dreams come true *

* I'll be spending time with you *

* Every day's a new day *

Just like to take this moment to congratulate our newly crowned

Homecoming king and queen!

[applause and cheering]

And..

...to our king..

(male #6) 'Whoo! Yeah!'

...Samuel Leonard.

I would just like to say..

...that I am madly in love with you.

Which is why it hurt so much to find you trying to have sex

with Vicki Sanders in the faculty restroom.

Mrs. Moran, think about your career.

Oh, screw my career. What is my life without you, Sam?

Probably pretty fine.

And to our, mmm..

...our..

...filthy skank queen, Vicki Sanders.

I would just like to say to you..

Ah!

You ball-breaking whore.

(Vicki) 'Ah!'

You sure there isn't something you need to be telling me?

Actually, there is something..

...that I need to be ...telling you, Marcus.

(crowd screaming) 'Oh.'

'Oh.'

'Oh!'

Oh, no. Oh.

I'm sorry, Mr.. Pri-principal Hayes.

* Sloop John B *

* Sloop John B *

* Sloop John B *

Mrs. Moran.

* We come on the sloop John B *

* Grandfather and me *

* Around Nassau town we did roam *

Mrs. Moran! Mrs. Moran!

* Drinking all night got into a fight *

* Well I feel so broke up *

Oh!

Guys, Mrs. Moran.

Guys, please. You don't understand.

- Take him to the parking lot. - No, no, no, guys.

* The constable had to come and take him away *

- Oh, please. - What are you doing, Kyle?

Come on, man, this is crazy. What are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?

I'm gonna pull him behind my truck!

Kyle, this is crazy!

We were just going to rough him up a little.

I think you're taking these threats a little too literal.

- I'd like to second that. - Damn! I've flooded it again!

- 'Kyle, relax. Kyle.' - No! Move!

(Kyle) 'Let's make you look good tonight, chapstick!'

Oh, thank you, Lord.

Kyle.

You get to skip all the way to the car battery on your nuts!

What? Kyle, please. Can we just talk about this, buddy?

Kyle, you don't wanna do this.

You're doing this 'cause I lied and said you wanted to do it.

- You're saying I'm your puppet? - No, no, no, no.

Kyle, buddy, I'm just saying.. I'm just saying

you don't wanna do this.

Oh, yes, I do!

* This is the worst trip I've ever been on *

Kyle, Kyle! Think about your life.

You're gonna wear out your battery.

Just go ahead and do it, my life can't get any worse.

[police siren]

Everybody freeze! You're all under arrest!

* Let me go home I really wanna go home *

Or, maybe it can.

* I feeI so broke up I wanna go home *

* I wanna go home I wanna go home *

(male #7) 'Hey there, gangster.'

There goes my guidance counselor of the year award.

Hey.

Listen, uh, I'm sorry about the advice I gave you the other day.

Although, everything I said is basically true.

Everyone does lie.

But that doesn't make it right.

And more importantly, I don't think it's gonna make you happy.

In fact, I think honesty and happiness go hand-in-hand.

Though try telling my psycho ex-wife that.

Anyway..

...Principal Hayes has dropped all the charges, and I've talked

him into giving you detention for the rest of the year

instead of expelling you.

Th-thank you.

If only you could get me out of all these lies.

I believe it was Thomas Jefferson who said

"Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom."

- Okay. Wow. - Thank you.

Did I say something useful?

- I'm leaving you. - What?

Now-now I realize you're like the most beautiful girl ever

and I'm, um, me.

But, uh, we have nothing in common.

And I don't even really like you.

That's fine. We'll just have a sexual relationship, then.

No commitment, no companionship

just wild uninhibited sex whenever you wanna have it.

- People do that? - I have no self-esteem, Sam.

Girls like me never do. I will do whatever you want me to do.

No! No, no, no. Vicki. Okay?

We're done. I'm sorry. This has gone way too far.

Uh, it's over. Goodbye.

All-star!

I gotta tell you, you have turned my whole life around.

I haven't had a-I haven't had a death threat in a week.

I gotta quit the team.

The truth is, I'm not good at basketball. Uh, sorry.

I just wanted to come and say I'm sorry about what happened.

Mrs. Moran, I bought your husband here to make a point.

I am clearly not worth leaving him for.

I mean, look at him. He's a fireman, he saves lives.

And I'm not gay, but look at that jaw line.

[sobbing]

I think, that you could avoid making the biggest mistake

of your lives.

* Arise my friend the struggles almost over *

* Can you let me in *

* Tonight it ends tomorrow is never over*

* Let your song begin *

* Arise *

* Arise *

* Arise *

* Hey for this is your day *

* To shine *

* Arise *

[alarm ringing]

[orchestra music]

Oh, God, please.

* To bear the weight *

* And push into the sky *

* It's easier to lie *

* It's easier to lie *

* And honestly *

* To look you in the eye *

* It's easier to lie *

* It's easier to lie *

I thought about what you said, and I don't accept the break up.

[speaking Spanish]

* It's easier to lie *

I can't go back to the way things were. Listen, listen here

Leonard, I can't go back to way things were. I can't take it.

So you have to keep playing.

If you don't, if you try to quit, I will make sure

you don't graduate from this God forsaken school.

* It's easier to lie *

* Easier to lie *

* To bear the weight *

* And push into the sky *

* It's easier to lie *

After chiropractic school, Sam and I are gonna lease a condo.

Hey, fourth child, Juan Carlos, professional skier.

Oh, my God, I hate my nose.

It's so gross, right here. You see that?

It's disgusting, do you see it?

[guitar music]

[music continues]

Hey...can I join you?

Why would you wanna do that?

Because I thought I wanted to be over there, but..

...God, was I wrong.

I was way happier right here with...you.

Well, you look like crap.

Yeah, I don't know if it's because my life's a living hell

or the fact that my diet is only Brussels sprouts.

Annie, do you think you could give me one more chance?

What happens in a day or a month or a year when you

decide you're sick of being a loser again and you go

running back to Vicki Homecoming.

Because I won't. I-I wouldn't do that. I swear.

How am I supposed to know that the biggest liar I have ever met

is actually telling the truth?

I'm sorry.

Annie.

Annie, please.

[glass shattering]

[cheering]

[applause and cheering]

Did I..

Wait, did I just, did I just miss?

[The Mooney Suzuki singing "Primitive Condition"]

* Hey make way for the 21st century man *

* Mighty Titan put the fire right into my hands yeah *

* Oh yeah Oh yeah *

* Been in a primitive condition *

* Am I a mammal or a man *

* Oh yeah Oh yeah *

[whistle]

Did you see how hard that guy flattened me?

I can't even feel my spine.

Dude, have you checked the score lately?

It's 38 to 4. That means we are down--

Oh, wait. Oh, oh, wait. Don't tell me.

[spectators booing]

34 points.

Isn't math amazing?

[orchestra music]

I love you guys, too.

She hates me again.

[spectators booing]

[music continues]

Nice game, loser.

I didn't know you were a basketball fan.

Well, I figured it wouldn't kill me to try and have a little fun.

Of course, this could have been a series of coincidences.

When your dad could have had a midlife crisis

even those basketball plays could have just been luck.

Even Vicki and Mrs. Moran could have gone temporarily insane.

I mean, now that everything's back to normal, there's no proof

that anything magical ever happened, right?

Well, uh, there is one thing

that didn't go back to the way it was before.

At least, I'm a loser that drives a Porsche.

[The Beach Boys singing "Sloop John B"]

* We come on the Sloop John B *

* My grandfather and me *

* Around Nassau town we did roam *

* Drinking all night *

* Got into a fight *

* Well I feel so broke up *

* I wanna go home *

* So hoist up the John B's sail *

* See how the mainsail sets *

* Call for the captain ashore *

* Let me go home *

* Let me go home *

["I Did It To Myself" by If All Else Fails]

[Truman Cage singing "Nothing But Lies"]