Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.BZ

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[birds chirping]

[tense music playing]

[in Portuguese] We've gone as far as we can go by road.

We need a boat.

Should only take a few days.

No, no, no. We shouldn't be here.

The jungle doesn't want us here.

There is...

[rustling]

[footsteps on car]

[monkey shrieks]

[both breathing heavily]

We have to do this.

What's waiting for us will change our lives.

Eh?

Fine.

I'll go alone.

Ana.

Ana!

Don't do this!

It's her.

[adventurous music playing]

[speaks Portuguese]

[shouts in Portuguese] Get to the boat!

Come on! Let's go!

- Hey! - Stop!

Take my hand!

[shouting in Portuguese]

[muffled scream]

[person, in English] We start tight on a full moon.

[ominous music playing]

Milky. Almost yellow.

And we crane down

to reveal an idyllic, suburban street.

We float past a series of white picket fences,

until we settle on a sewer grate.

Pow! Flies open!

Something big and scaly slithers out,

fast, hungry, definitely not human,

as a pulsating score kicks in.

[vocalizing]

[suspenseful music playing]

We're on the back of the beast

as it slithers menacingly towards a little blue house.

[hissing]

[vocalizing]

[suspenseful music continues]

Wait. I'm sorry.

This is our wedding video you're talking about?

Yes, though I actually don't think of them as videos. They're more like short films.

Yeah, because I'm not sure this is quite what we had in mind.

Okay. I know. It's a little different than normal but--

We really liked the one you did for Karen and Bart.

When they walk by the river

- and jump up and high-five. - That jump was dope.

And I loved that song they used.

♪ I don't want to wait For our lives to be over ♪

♪ I want to know right now How does it feel ♪

- [bride] You know it. Yeah. - Um, guys. Uh, here's the thing.

I really like you guys. And you said you're horror fans,

and I'm like, "I love horror so much."

And I thought this could be special. You know what I mean?

This is a film you're gonna watch for the rest of your lives.

But this isn't a film, Doug.

This is a wedding video, and we want one where they do a little jump.

- [groom] Yeah. - [dad] Now, can you do that for us or not?

[vocalizing]

Okay.

And do you mind if I'm doing warm-ups? Is it okay?

Oh, yeah. I've seen much crazier.

Okay, good.

Does it sound better to say my line,

"His vision is blurry, which could suggest..."

or, "His vision is blurry, which could suggest..."

Or I could-- You know what? I could even do, like, an accent. I could do just...

I think you just should do it the way you auditioned it, honey.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

It's been a while since I booked anything, and I just want it to go well.

- Yeah. - I just...

It's hard out there.

[groans] Sorry.

Doctor number 3, we're ready for you.

[makeup artist] Okay, knock 'em dead.

Okay, thanks. Thank you, Donna.

Hey, by the way, if you ever need anything from Lowe's,

I will hook you up with my employee discount,

no questions asked.

- Okay? - [chuckles] Okay.

Thanks. Ten more ccs of tramadol.

Any idea what I'm looking at here?

[in British accent] He said his vision was blurry,

- so, you know, that could suggest-- - Optic neuritis.

- Already ruled that out. - [bell ringing]

- [director] Cut. - [assistant director] That's a cut!

[director] Hey, buddy, not sure what that accent is.

Just do it normally, okay?

We're gonna go again right away.

[assistant director] Set.

[speaking slowly] He said his vision was blurry, which could suggest--

[director] Cut! Say the line faster. Okay? Faster this time.

[rushed] He said his vision was blurry, which could suggest--

Cut! Jesus, I think we gotta fire this guy.

Can we get somebody else in here?

["Have You Ever Seen the Rain?" playing]

♪ When it's over, so they say ♪

♪ It'll rain a sunny day ♪

♪ I know, shining down like water ♪

♪ I wanna know Have you ever seen the rain? ♪

♪ I wanna know ♪

[phone chimes]

♪ Have you ever seen the rain? ♪

Griff, it's Doug. I just ran into your mom at the supermarket.

She said you booked a big gig today.

I'm proud of you, bud.

Everyone in Buffalo misses you.

I love you. Come visit, man!

- [knocks] - [gasps]

Jesus, Jerry.

Doug, what is this thing about-- there's some kind of sewer monster?

Oh, boy.

[sighs] Doug.

Look, I get that this is not what you dreamed about when you were a kid.

But dreams, they go. Huh?

Now, I'll be retiring soon.

And, Doug, it is only a matter of time before all this is yours.

- Really? - Yeah.

Look around. Take it all in.

And imagine.

If you do it right, it's a pretty sweet setup we got here.

This is a B, and maybe even a B+ life we're talking about.

Hmm.

[spouse] Are you sure you don't wanna do anything for your birthday?

You used to make me celebrate your half-birthdays.

[Doug chuckles]

Let's go get a beer.

Or something.

[gasps]

Maybe we just watch that new mountain climbing doc.

About the lady that falls to her own death?

Yeah.

Fine, we can do the one about the free diver in the Maldives.

Who drowns? Jesus Christ, Doug.

I don't know. Let's just take a gummy and go to bed early.

Surprise!

- [cheering] - [upbeat music playing]

Oh, my God, Malie. No!

Oh, yes. Yes, you love a good, big birthday party.

Dad, should've seen your face.

- You knew about this? - It was my idea.

- Buddy, take my coat, please. Thank you. - Okay.

Hey! How are you?

- Yeah. Happy birthday! - Jesus, Kenny. My back!

- I'm sorry. - No! That's not...

The actual lotion. The actual basket.

"It puts the lotion in the basket"?

- eBay, buddy. - Dude, that is sick.

Yeah, no, that is actually sick.

Oh!

- Happy birthday, Dougie. - Thanks for making the trek, Claire.

You know I love Buffalo this time of year. The slush, the hypothermia.

What's up? No Trent?

No Trent.

Ever again, in fact.

- He started banging his dental hygienist. - Ugh.

Anyway, tonight is all about you, baby.

- It's about me. - It's about you.

[gasps]

[laughs]

You came! Here you are. Oh, my God.

It's been too long, pal.

It's so good to see you. It has been way too long.

Happy birthday.

Thank you for coming out here.

- Think I'm gonna miss this? Never. - Oh.

We got a lot of catching up to do.

Many years ago, a group of young, passionate artists had a vision.

It was a vision that's not particularly original or even, uh, good...

- [guests chuckle] - ...but it was theirs.

And so they made that vision a reality.

And, without further ado,

I present to you a completely unrestored print

of 13-year-old Doug McCallister's masterpiece, The Quatch.

[gasping]

What? I thought we lost all the copies of that!

- No way. - Nope.

I found it in my mom's garage. It was stuck in the player.

Are we sure this is okay for the kids to watch?

Who gives a shit?

Mrs. Brown had us bleep all the swears so we could show it at the school assembly.

Yeah, which didn't make much sense

because we were very clear about it being R-rated.

- Happy birthday, pal. - [laughs] This isn't happening.

- [Griff] Oh, it's happening. Here we go. - [laughs]

- God. - Here, sit.

Oh, I'm gonna kill you. [gasps]

[guests laugh]

- I haven't changed a bit. - [all laughing]

Holy ****!

Oh!

- [young Griff] Look at the grass! - [Doug] Hot on the trail!

- Look out for the quatch. - [guest] Here we go.

Before you **** strike me, I need to **** ask you one **** thing.

You got some **** bite left?

Or you all **** bark?

Boom!

Damn, we'd been watching a lot of Scorsese.

We didn't quite have the ear for it, did we?

- I need to tell you something. - What is it?

[young Claire] That I love you. I've always loved you.

And I always **** will.

[young Griff] I **** love you too.

Now, kiss me, woman.

[guests chuckle]

So much charisma. Already, you had it.

I still can't believe I let Doug talk me into doing that.

What are you talking about? That was your idea.

[guests chuckling]

[Doug] Yeah!

- It's coming for us. - [young Claire] We're trapped.

[young Kenny] What the hell are we gonna do?

- [Claire] No! - [Doug] Yes.

Oh, my God. We're all gonna die!

[dramatic music playing on TV]

This is where it gets real.

Not on my watch, mister.

- Boom! - Yeah!

- Yeah! - Yeah!

[guest] Amazing!

[guest] So good!

Whoo!

That's probably the best birthday gift I've ever received.

- I didn't even know it existed. - Well, I'm giving it to you.

Plus the TV 'cause you can't get it out.

- Yay! - Yes!

- It was right after, you know... - Right after senior year of college.

Yes, that's when Anaconda came out. Remember? We saw it like 30 times.

Put it right there alongside the classics.

Totally. How about that cast? Come on.

- J.Lo, Ice Cube, Owen Wilson, Stoltz. - Oh, for sure.

I mean, it's a murderers' row.

Plus, that snake was like a metaphor for our lives at that moment.

Like, how life is coming at you, you know,

hunting you and forcing you, like,

off your...

like your parents' health insurance and stuff.

- [Kenny] I don't know... - [Doug] No, that's true.

- Yeah, that's... - [Doug] It was like that.

- [Claire] That's right, Kenny. - Whatever.

How about that accent by Jon Voight? How about that? That was a choice.

[imitating Jon Voight] "They wrap around you until you get the privilege

- of hearing your bones break... - Bones break...

...before the power of embrace causes your veins to explode."

Sorry.

I have the rights to Anaconda.

What?

I have the rights to Anaconda.

Yeah.

Apparently, the movie was based on a novel by some dead Japanese guy.

And my agent introduced me to his widow.

Unbelievably, she was such a fan of the four episodes that I did on S.W.A.T...

- Who isn't? - ...that she gave me the rights.

[chuckles] Dude. So what are you gonna do with them?

Uh, well, not me.

Us.

We're gonna reboot the thing. Indie-style.

Three weeks, run-and-gun in the Amazon. Skeletal crew.

Claire, you and I can star. Kenny, you shoot it. Doug, you direct.

Huh? Come on. What do you say?

I mean, it's a wonderful idea in theory, but...

I'm in! I can get time off from work.

Yes, you can, Kenny. Sweet!

Kenny, what are you talking about? You're in? He's not... No. He's not in.

He says one thing and you're in already. You're going to the Amazon.

- He's not in. - What do you say, Claire?

- I... I just... - Come on.

I don't know if I'm in the right headspace...

- Of course you are. - ...with the divorce.

Of course you're not in the right headspace.

That's the best headspace. Are you kidding me?

Come on, it's like Eat Pray Love and... shit.

Come on.

You know what? I'm in.

- What? Really? - Yes! Sweet.

Yeah. I mean, my life is totally shit anyway so...

- God, I'm so happy to hear that. - Hmm.

I mean, not that your life is shit, but that you're in.

Besides, as soon as Doug says yes,

we'll probably need you to finance this whole thing.

- What? - [mouthing] Thank you.

Doug?

[gentle music playing]

Griff, I'm sorry.

I got responsibilities. I got Malie, Charlie, my job.

I know. Making wedding videos.

Films. Right.

It's a good life, you know?

It's a B, B+ life.

B, B+ life?

It's a good life.

Do you remember when we were kids

and we would stay up till 4:00 in the morning,

hanging out in your mom's basement watching horror movies?

Scaring the shit out of ourselves.

Texas Chainsaw on, like, repeat.

Now we have the chance to make one ourselves.

Dude, it's what we dreamed about ever since we were little kids.

I hear ya.

But we're not kids anymore, Griff.

I'm sorry.

Yeah. I know. All right.

I just...

I get it. I do.

I get it.

Still watching The Quatch.

[chuckling]

Charlie, why don't you go check on those cookies?

[sighs] Okay, but I'm pausing it, so...

don't touch it.

Gonna need some ice-cold milch with that.

[Charlie] You got it.

- What are you doing? - What?

Just go make the movie.

Malie.

Come on. Every time you watch this thing, you light up.

Like I haven't seen you light up in a long time.

So what? I'm supposed to chase some Hollywood fantasy I had as a kid?

Waste a bunch of money and time, and for what?

In the end, what's it gonna change?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

[upbeat music playing on video]

- [bride and groom chuckling] - [bride] We hope you come to celebrate...

[groom] As we become...

[both] The Hansons.

Holy shit.

["I Don't Want to Wait" playing]

[sighs]

♪ I don't want to wait For our lives to be over ♪

♪ I want to know right now ♪

- ♪ What will it be? ♪ - [Doug] ♪ ...what will it be? ♪

♪ I don't want to wait For our lives to be over ♪

What am I singing?

[knocking]

[Griff] Hey, dude.

[panting]

I don't want to wait, man.

Our lives could be, like... over.

What... What are you talking about?

The Anaconda thing. You were serious, right?

Yes, very.

Then let's do it.

Let's reboot Anaconda.

- ["Baby Got Back" playing] - Yes! Yes.

♪ My anaconda don't ♪

♪ My anaconda don't ♪

All right, budget-wise, soup to nuts, what does it cost to get this thing made?

I figure we need three weeks of shooting. Some VFX, some SFX,

a riverboat, a riverboat captain, travel to and from a jungle,

and a gigantic real snake, preferably a rental.

- Rental, copy. - [Doug] All in,

two, two-and-a-half million dollars.

[whistles] That sounds right.

We've approved a loan for you for up to...

$9,400.

Yes!

I've revised the budget down to...

$43,000 all in.

That sounds more right.

[Doug] Now, the film does have to be scary, right?

Terrifying. But it can't just be about a giant snake killing people.

- Exactly. - You know?

It has to be about something, right?

Right.

I mean...

- Themes. - Themes.

Come on.

- Like grief. - What about revenge?

In terms of themes, that's like one of the top ones.

- Oh, my God. I got a good one. - Hit me.

Intergenerational trauma.

[scoffs] I love intergenerational trauma.

Who doesn't love intergenerational trauma?

- It's the best. - We're onto something here.

["Baby Got Back" ends]

[breathes deeply]

This is a masterpiece.

You're a goddamn genius. I love it.

- Don't change a word. - Not a word.

Dude, you killed it. It's scary, emotional, funny when it needs to be.

- Romantic. - Dude, thank you.

Hey, Doug...

[exhales]

I know that we had our little dustup, but...

I need to shoot this film, man.

[Griff] Dustup?

Yeah. He fired me from the wedding video stuff

'cause I got a little wasted.

He knocked over the wedding cake.

- But I'm dealing with it. - Like, getting sober?

Yes.

Well, I mean, Buffalo sober.

Buffalo sober?

Just beer and wine.

And then some of the lighter liquors. But definitely not all of 'em.

I'm proud of you.

Doug?

[inhales deeply]

If I'm being honest, I enabled you a little bit.

Of course you get a second chance. Let's do this.

- Nice! - Thank you, man.

[horn honking]

[Malie] Car's here.

And you have the mefloquine, right? You only take that once a week.

- Hey, Dad. I almost forgot. - Hmm?

- Talk to me. - But I got you this.

What?

I know. Pretty sick.

"World's greatest Doug."

- I thought it should say, "Dad." - Whatever, man, it's funny.

- I love it. It's much better. - [Charlie chuckles]

[upbeat music playing]

[monkey chattering]

[people chattering indistinctly in Portuguese]

[sighs]

[intriguing music playing]

- [Doug] So it begins. - Yeah!

- [Doug] Oh, yeah. - All right.

- [Claire] Whoo! - Made it.

- [Griff] Whoa. We're here. - [Doug] That's what I'm talkin' about!

Brasília!

[Kenny] Oh.

So, hey, I was reading about anacondas on the plane.

Basically, they wait in the water for days,

stalking their prey, never moving, just waiting,

and then when a prey comes...

[imitates snake constricting] ...snatch and grab.

Thousand pounds of pressure. Think you're gonna get away? You're not.

Crushing you. Oxygen leaving your lungs.

[imitates suffocating]

Oh, God, it's terrible.

- So, like in the movie Anaconda. - Yeah, exactly.

So it's real?

[passerby] Yeah, it's all real.

Very real.

[tense music playing]

There's this story about this woman...

God bless her.

The snake wraps around her so tight...

the eyeballs just...

[imitates explosion]

- No. - No way.

Yeah, it was my grandmother, Sylvana.

Shit.

Horrible grandmother. But still sad.

[Kenny] Huh.

I'm sorry, who are you?

Oh, I'm sorry. Carlos Santiago. Yeah, you can call me Santiago.

- Hey! It's Kenny. - [Santiago] Yeah, hey.

- Kenny from the phone. Hey. - Kenny. Kenny, hey.

- Hi. - Yeah, this is our snake handler.

[Claire, Doug] Oh!

- [Claire] Thank God. - He's supposed to be the best.

No. "Supposed to be"? We have a joker here.

No. I am the best. Yes.

- Oh. That's good. - [Kenny] Yeah.

So, welcome to Brazil.

Let's meet the snake.

[people chattering indistinctly]

[tense music playing]

[in Portuguese] Go around, we'll find her.

[patrons speaking Portuguese]

[in English] When I found him, he was dying of starvation.

His food supply destroyed by gold miners who put mercury in the river.

- [Griff] Gold miners? - Gold mining poisons our land.

Their greed almost killed my snake.

- [Claire] Oh. - [Santiago] But I fed him,

I nursed him back to life,

and in many ways, he did the same for me.

Ah, yes. A tale as old as time.

Saved by a snake. [chuckles]

What's your name?

What's... Uh, Griff.

Okay, Griff. He's not only a snake.

He's my tiny giant, my friend.

One of the most important creatures of the herpetological world.

No, of course... I... Sure.

I didn't... I wasn't trying to... I... Yes.

Okay. Let me introduce you.

[trunk opens]

Heitor.

- [Claire] Heitor? - Oh, my goodness.

Hey, cutie.

- Oh, no. Not cutie. - Oh, my...

- [Doug] Oh... - [all exclaim]

Oh, hell yes! This thing is nuts!

There are rumors of 'condas even bigger.

Maybe four or five times this size.

Go ahead, Kenny from the phone.

Um, is it true that they regurgitate their prey?

Um, sometimes.

I mean, if you're lucky,

you'd die right away because of... [groans] ...suffocation.

But only the unlucky ones survive.

Unlucky?

Yeah, because then you might actually be conscious

when the snake comes back to finish you off.

- [Doug] Gotcha. - [Claire] Ooh.

Better to die.

[tense music playing]

- [Kenny] Look at that boat! - [Doug] This is money in the bank, baby.

[keys jingle]

- [music stops] - [patrons chattering]

[tense music playing]

[thuds]

Hey. Let me ask you a question.

- Um, our snake guy... - Mmm?

Does he seem kind of batshit crazy?

I mean, he's best friends with a snake.

- Of course he's a little quirky. - Yeah.

But I like him.

- Really? - Yeah.

But then again,

I used up all my vacation days

to come make a self-financed snake movie with you three, so...

- Yeah, your judgment is really off. - My judgment is off.

- It always has been. - Exactly.

[Doug] Anybody talk to the captain? It's time to shoot.

I'll, uh, reach out again, boss.

- [Doug exclaims] - [chuckles]

Hi, guys. My name is Ana.

I believe you spoke to my father on the phone?

Bruno? That's your dad?

Yeah, he sends his apologies,

- but he's at the hospital. - Oh.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - [Ana] Unfortunately,

you'll have to make other accommodations,

'cause I need to take this boat upriver for a routine service.

But I can assure you a full refund.

No, wait. Wait.

- Everything else is booked. - [Griff] Yeah.

And-- And w-we're gonna shoot a movie.

It's a reboot of Anaconda.

Technically, it's more of a reimagining, but--

It's actually more of a spiritual sequel.

Good for you.

- There's gotta be a way, right? - We can crew the boat.

There's nothing I can do...

We have dreamed of making this film together our entire lives.

Please. I am begging you.

- Please. - Help us find another way.

- Let's do this, but fast. - [Doug] Okay.

- [Claire] Yes! Let's go! - Thank you!

[upbeat music playing]

[clanking, whirring]

[Griff] Whoo!

- Oh! - [Griff] Wow!

Yes!

This is so beautiful.

This is amazing. It's amazing.

- Looks exactly... - [Doug laughs]

Ooh, look!

- Kenny? - [Kenny] Yeah, bud?

- How did you find this boat? - Cocktail, anyone?

- [Griff] Nice! - [Doug] Ah!

[Kenny] It's a computer.

Yes!

[in Portuguese] I want a list of all the boats

that left the marina in the last 3 hours.

Now!

[drawer opens]

[guitar playing]

- [all laughing] - [glass clinking]

- [Griff] Uh-oh. - [Claire] Oh.

[Doug] One more thing, you guys, before we go to bed.

We got a big day tomorrow.

If you remember, we had a tradition on all our films.

The night before we started shooting,

- we'd say a prayer to the movie gods... - [Griff] Mm-hmm.

...asking them to basically not screw us over,

and for the first time ever, may they listen.

- Come on, to the movie gods. - Yes.

[glasses clinking]

[Doug chuckles]

[all chattering indistinctly]

[epic music playing]

[Kenny] All right. We're rolling.

Anaconda, scene 15, take one. Slap it.

Bella!

- What the hell are you still doing here? - I've come to take you home.

It's time you stopped chasing this mythical snake.

And what if I'm not prone to giving up?

I didn't see you filming there.

What are we doing? EPK?

Background, DVD, bonus stuff.

The Anaconda is a story of an intrepid biologist played by Claire,

who hires an unhinged snake tracker played by Griff,

to hunt down and kill a giant, mythical 'conda

that ate her entire family.

Come and get me, you goddamn snake!

And on a deeper level, it's about chasing your dreams.

And camera set, push-ups good, and action!

What's it like shooting with Doug again?

He and I are best friends.

We've worked together our whole lives.

And I went out to LA, and he was gonna come out.

We were gonna be a partnership, and he didn't do it.

Griff and I planned to work together in LA, but, uh, you know, life intervened.

But it doesn't matter, 'cause now we're together

and now we're back, we're making this, and it's as it should be.

I am the insects.

[Claire shrieks]

The anaconda moves slow and steady.

Sometimes it goes fast.

Snake POV, RD. Take 1.

No. No, it's not working.

Snake POV, the right way. Take 2.

Sometimes he goes from above in the trees,

sometimes from below in the water.

The toothpick, it unlocked a couple of aspects of this character for me.

There's something there.

Ah!

Why would I be nervous about doing a love story with Griff?

You guys used to date.

That was a long time ago.

A little bit of chaos

is part of the ingredients.

[grunts, groans]

[shrieks]

[Doug] Maybe look at each other.

This might be the last time you look at each other.

You'd think you'd be a little nicer to the guy

who's out here to save your life.

You're an asshole.

[laughs]

Yeah.

And a PhD.

And cut.

- Great stuff, guys. We got it. - Whoo-hoo!

Should we go one more time? You wanna try it again?

No. I'm good if you're good.

Let's go one more time.

[animals chirping in distance]

[gentle music playing]

- The chemistry between you two is... - Yeah?

- Like we were right back in high school. - [chuckles]

When you looked up at her...

Well, that's 'cause of your note.

About taking the beat right before you did it?

Yeah, yeah. It made the scene.

I tell you... [sighs]

[stutters] I never felt like this on S.W.A.T.

I mean, granted I was only in a couple of episodes,

but it was never collaborative. It was never fun.

Not... [scoffs]

Not like this. This, uh...

- This is-- - Like we were back on Quatch?

Yeah. [chuckles]

Yeah.

[Doug] Do you guys have chupacabra?

[Claire] Ooh. That looks so good.

Mm-mmm.

Hey, so, one script thing.

I was thinking, at the midway point,

instead of, uh, talking the bad guy out of it,

what if...

Claire's character...

headbutts him?

Sorry. Headbutts him?

Headbutts him.

Or... Or...

we both do.

- Double headbutt. - [Claire scoffs]

- Come on. It's kinda revolutionary. - [Kenny] Double headbutt.

That is super revolutionary.

Why is that super revolutionary?

Well, it's... [stutters] ...never been done.

Jesus Christ. This is a beautiful scene with real stakes, Doug.

Feel free to weigh in here.

Nah, I hear you. I do.

And, as always, I trust your instincts on this.

But a double headbutt is pretty revolutionary.

Right? It is-- It's very revolutionary. Yes.

- There's no denying it. - [Kenny] None!

Oh, come on, Claire. Is the problem that you don't know how to headbutt?

Why would I not know how to headbutt?

[Griff] We're not born with these skills. We learn them along the way.

Let me show you. Tight core, breathe in, hold that breath.

- [Claire] Yeah? - Hi-yah!

- [Griff] And you can vocalize. - Wow.

Another kind of headbutt is more unleashed, just full-on...

[exclaims] Whoo!

He got the arms in there. That's good.

Send that shit into the goal.

Or you put some Brazilian sauce on that. You know?

- And you go, boom! Toma! - [Doug] Oh!

- [Santiago] Toma! - Toma?

Hey, I love it.

Yeah, that's right.

- Brazilian spice. - Yeah!

If I was gonna headbutt, I would go for the bridge of the nose.

- Yes. - Just crack it. Hi-yah!

- Jesus! - Yes! That's it.

- [Kenny] Jeez. Yeah, that's great. - And you go, "Toma! Toma!"

[exclaims]

- [exclaiming] - I think it's a different... Toma!

- [Santiago] Toma! - [Kenny] Yeah, toma!

[all chattering excitedly]

[Griff] Goddamn!

[creaking]

[ominous music playing]

[Doug snoring]

[gasps]

[breathing heavily]

[gasps]

[shrieks]

I'm sorry, but how could this happen, huh?

Kenny, I thought you said this guy was a pro.

That's what he said, but he hasn't provided us with a certificate.

You fixed the crate, right? It's taken care of?

My thing. My job. Under control. All good.

My Heitor, he's a beautiful, intelligent, smart, sexy creature.

He does exactly what I command.

And I would never let anything happen

to you or the crazy one, or her, or her, or this "actor" here.

- What the... - So have a good night.

May the sounds of the forest be the music of your dreams.

Jesus...

Man, he's a poet.

Okay. Actors, on your marks.

Santiago, is Heitor ready?

Yes, Heitor is always ready.

Heitor is ready, and action!

[whimpers] Cut, please.

- Um, cut? All right, cut. Yeah. - Yeah, I just-- Sorry. I need a little...

Kenny, do you mind if I...

Santiago, take five. Heitor, five.

- Hey. Wow, that thing, it's really... - Hey.

It's huge when you see it up close and personal like that.

Majestic creature.

But I just was wondering...

I throw myself in front of the snake to kind of protect Claire's character,

- right? - Correct.

Is there any value in not doing that?

What? No.

- No, no, he sacrifices himself for her. - Yeah. Of course.

- It caps his arc. It's so important. - Right. Right.

- And also, dude, it's totally safe. - Yeah.

- Santiago has Heitor under control. - Okay.

- You've got nothing to worry about. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah...

- We're good. You're good. - Yeah. Okay.

- Okay. - All right, let's do this.

All right, take it from the top.

Back to one.

Santiago, Heitor? Action!

Go!

I'm not leaving! Not without you, Derek.

This thing's got me. The world's depending on you.

I'm depending on you.

Goddamn it! I love you, Derek van Hoyle!

It's just-- I can't-- [groans]

- Put your face right up next to the snake. - I don't like this.

- I don't want to do it anymore. - [Doug] Get a tiny bit closer.

Get closer. He's friendly.

- I think you got it, dude! - No, I don't quite have it!

- Doug, you got the shot! You got the shot! - Hold it! Just a couple more beats.

This is gold. Just give me one more second.

One inch closer to your face.

- Get it right up in there! - [hissing]

- You're a hero! No! - [exclaims]

- [splashing] - No!

[no audio]

[slowed down] Oh, shit.

I know you think this is strange.

A grown man getting emotional over some dead snake.

[whimpers] Jesus.

But I loved him,

and he loved me back, whatever way he could.

[groaning]

God. No!

[Kenny crying]

Why is Kenny crying?

[kissing]

[Griff] Ugh!

Hey. I don't want you here. Not for this!

He tried to murder me.

- Griff? - What?

- Let the man grieve. - You murdered my friend.

Just get out of my face.

- What... Where am I supposed to go? - Griff! Go! Just move!

Fine!

♪ Go in peace, my friend ♪

♪ May the divine snakes welcome you ♪

♪ My dear friend ♪

- [Claire] ♪ Snakedy snake ♪ - ♪ Snakedy snake, yeah ♪

[all] ♪ Snakedy snake ♪

♪ May the divine snakes ♪

♪ Welcome you, welcome you... ♪

[in Portuguese] What do you see?

They're doing some sort of weird snake funeral.

Snake funeral?

- [loud thump] - [water sloshing]

[faint singing]

[radio static crackles]

Sorry, I thought I heard something.

[breathing heavily]

[singing continues]

[screams]

Timo?

Timo!

[Boyz II Men singing "End of the Road"]

- No. Not you. No. Just-- - I know, I'm sorry... I don't mean--

- I'm not trying to disturb you. - Just leave me alone.

- I'm sorry for your loss. - [music stops]

I know you don't believe me, but it's true. I really am.

A friend of mine died once too, and it hurts.

Was it a snake?

Was it a snake?

No.

It was just a... human person.

Oh.

Yeah, still sad, right?

Totally. Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

Beer?

Well, I have my pills here, but, yeah. Let's mix it up.

A few commercials, TV. Did a few episodes of S.W.A.T.

- Oh! S.W.A.T.? - Yeah.

I like that one.

I swear, I even had the last line-- Thanks.

The last-- Thanks.

- Last line of season three. - So, what happened?

Well, the producers decided that they didn't really need that character,

so they got rid of me.

I mean, it's only been going about eight or nine more seasons.

They don't deserve you.

- [scoffs] - Yeah, you're a star.

- Thank you. - Yeah. You've been in movies?

- I'm in an industrial... - You know what movie I like?

- What? - The Legend of Bagger Vance.

[exhales]

- You should do a movie like that. - Man, I wish.

Yeah.

- I like you. - I like you too.

- You know what? - What?

I'll get a new snake for your movie now.

- Really? - Yes.

Oh, my God. Thank you so much.

Yeah. You come with me, of course.

What?

[Griff] Should we be in here? Maybe we should head back.

- [water sloshes] - What was that?

What was that?

[shushing]

Listen.

There are snakes around here.

I can feel it.

[Griff] What does it feel like?

I don't know. It's just very snaky.

What's-- It's snaky?

Ah.

They hear from vibrations on the ground.

Every step we take,

drawing them closer.

And when the jungle goes quiet...

that's when you know they're close.

[Santiago] Yeah.

Hey, maybe we should go back to the boat, huh?

Think it'd be a good idea to go back to the boat. Let's go back to the boat.

[whispering] Santiago.

Santiago.

[shouting] Santiago!

[animal squawking]

Nope.

[gasping, panting]

Where are you?

[screaming]

Hey. Have you seen Santiago? I don't think he's come back.

- Back? From what? - We went out to go get a new snake. We--

You went to find a snake in the middle of the night?

Yeah, we need one for the movie. It was dark. We got separated.

It was crazy out there.

- Griff, Griff, Griff, Griff. - What?

You went out in the middle of the night to find a juicy snake in the jungle?

You know what that's called?

Producing.

- Really? - I guarantee he will be back

with a giant snake, and you and I are making movies.

You're right. Santiago's a pro. He'll be fine.

If he's not back soon, we'll go look for him.

[stereo playing Brazilian music]

[music stops]

Thank you very much, Santiago.

Guys, it's been over an hour. I have to go find him.

Well, you're not going alone.

Yeah, we're definitely coming with you. It's safer that way.

[Kenny chuckles] Have you guys tried this thing?

It's like a warm bowl of soup but... [laughs] ...but in chair form.

[Kenny] Yeah, man. Chairs.

They, like, hold you, man.

They literally have arms, right?

[chuckles] Oh, wow.

Like when your parents are gone...

we still have chairs, you know?

What the hell are you talking about?

Let's go find Santiago.

Let's get a snake for our snake movie.

Yeah, Santiago! Let's go!

[animals chittering]

[tense music playing]

[whispering] Hey, what direction are we headed in?

Um...

Like, that way.

Wait. Kenny, are you high right now?

Yeah, but I'm good. I already peaked.

Jesus Christ, Kenny.

We're completely lost.

Wait. You guys, this way.

It looks like an old camper van.

[tense music playing]

[sighs]

[walkie-talkie bleeps]

[in Portuguese] Ana is not on the boat.

I need you to search the area.

The men are scared to go deeper into the jungle.

I don't care, we have to find her.

[Griff] What is that?

[Kenny chuckles] Oh, maybe Santiago's sleeping in there.

[Doug] Hola.

[animals chittering]

[Doug] Whoa.

Looks totally abandoned. Anybody home?

[Claire sighs]

Maybe some food and water.

Yeah. We could stay here.

At least tonight.

Oh, man, there's gotta be snacks in here.

[rustling nearby]

[shushes]

[rustling]

[tense music playing]

[Ana breathes shakily]

[all breathing shakily]

[all scream]

Oh, my God.

- [Kenny] Oh, God. - [Doug] Santiago!

[Claire] Oh, God.

- [Doug gasps] - [Kenny] Dang!

That's where that guy went!

Oh, my God. What is out there?

[tense music playing]

[growling]

[Claire breathes shakily]

- [Ana] We gotta go now! - Okay. Go, go, go.

- Let's get out of here. - [Ana] Let's go, let's go.

- We can't let it crush the van. - Crush the van?

- It's not working. - [engine sputtering]

What?

- It's not-- - Damn it!

- It's a camper van, probably! - Oh, God!

It's got a split-- [stutters] a split-charge battery.

The relay probably popped off. It's underneath the hood.

Kenny, can you fix it?

Usually I could fix it, yes, but I'm having--

I'm still having some visual problems because of the... [chuckles]

You did it to me again.

You did it on the wedding video and now you're wasted off your ass again.

I'm really sorry, boss.

[groans] Buffalo sober. You're Buffalo sober.

Do you have any more?

Griff, please can you fix it?

I think I'm better suited to be our wheel man.

What are you talking about? I've always been a better driver than you.

No, you've been a safer driver.

I passed the driver's test on my first try.

You took three times.

Yeah, but that was 'cause of yield.

I didn't know-- Now I know what that is.

Oh, my God. We're gonna die.

[breathes heavily]

Sorry.

I'll just fix it.

[tense music playing]

[breathes shakily]

[hood clicks open]

[hood creaking]

[creaks]

[breathes shakily]

[tense music playing]

[hood thuds, clatters]

[Claire breathes shakily]

- [engine starts] - [growling]

[screams]

- Doug! - Go, go, go!

Let me get up. Hey, wait! Stop! Stop!

Griff, where are you going? Don't leave without me!

[grunts]

Oh, shit!

[groans, cries]

[Griff] You saw it, right?

What was that? They're not supposed to get that big.

Oh, God. It was like a dinosaur. [screams]

[engines revving]

Hey!

Hey, maybe we can ask these guys for help.

- Hey! - Hey!

- We have to stop. - Do not stop the car.

Ana, what is going on?

They're illegal gold miners who patrol the jungles around here.

These guys are dangerous.

They'll kill anyone who crosses into their territory.

- Oh, shit. They're trying to kill us. - [Griff] Fuck!

[Doug] Why are they shooting at us?

- [gunshot] - [Griff exclaims]

[Claire] Griff, can't you drive any faster?

Whoa!

Whoa, whoa. Ana, what are you doing?

[Ana grunts]

Whoa!

[Ana grunting]

- [Doug] Kenny, are you getting this? - [Kenny] Yes!

Keep rolling!

[Ana groans]

Griff, faster.

[exclaims]

Only one left.

[groaning]

[tires squeal]

[door slides open]

[breathing heavily]

- Where is she? - [gasps] Oh, my God.

Where is she?

Who? Who do... Who do you mean?

I know there's someone else here.

So, where is she--

[Ana exclaims]

Let's go, come on.

We gotta go. Fast.

[Claire breathing heavily]

Look, I can get you guys out of here.

All we need to do is keep heading north.

There's a small airport about a day and a half from here.

You can get us home?

- [Ana] Yes. - Get us home.

I think we gotta call it.

Man, we've got such good stuff, and we're so close.

Really? We're going home?

[Doug] Buddy, I know.

I don't wanna go home empty-handed either.

But we came out here to make Anaconda,

and now we're in it.

[mumbles]

[tapping on table]

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

[sighs]

[kisses]

[exhales deeply]

[epic music playing]

[exhales deeply]

Guys, emergency meeting.

Cast and crew only. Kenny, sit down.

- [Kenny] What is that? - New pages.

We have some time before the next port

and I had an idea last night that I think is just too damn good not to shoot.

Doug, everybody's pretty burnt, man.

Just hear me out. I'm begging you please, Kenny.

- All right. Sorry, boss. - [Doug] Thank you.

What if you two, on your way to find the anaconda,

ran into a total badass on an incredible quest?

Oh. That's interesting.

Let me guess, to expose illegal gold miners?

Bingo.

- Raises the stakes. - [Doug] Exactly.

And while they're hunting down this mythical snake,

they actually end up fighting the real villain.

An even bigger snake.

- Man. - Oh, yeah. Yes.

Man.

I like this.

This is good.

And if we add this element, it does make the movie much bigger.

Like, now, it's about something.

Themes.

Themes. [chuckles]

Uh...

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Okay, guy-- You know what, guys?

[stammering] I didn't wanna say anything before, but...

this thing might be an Awards play.

[Claire gasps]

I mean, the Academy loves social horror.

- Right? - [Griff] Yeah.

Dude, you could be the white Jordan Peele.

[sighs] I was thinking the same thing.

We've been through so much, you guys.

Let's finish this movie.

I'm in.

- Let's do it. - [Griff] Yeah.

Oh... Who are you gonna get to play this new, awesome character?

[exclaims in Portuguese]

[Kenny] Ow! [groaning]

[speaking Portuguese]

And cut. Yes!

- [Ana] Was it good? - That's what I'm talking about.

- [Claire] Nice. - [Kenny] Yeah.

- You sure you've never acted before? - I swear.

Some of the best acting I've ever seen.

- You're a natural. You're incredible. - [Ana] Thank you.

Take five. Next up, we got 72.

- Guys, you see what I'm saying? - Yeah.

- She's incredible, right? - Yeah.

Hey... [stammers] ...a question, though.

If-- If she saves us, it doesn't really give my character anything to do.

Yeah.

This was supposed to be the moment where my character starts falling for Derek,

so he needs to do something heroic, you know? Unselfish.

I don't know, you guys, this just feels like her moment,

she actually did it in real life.

But good news, I'm gonna shoot all the rest on her

so you guys have the day off.

See you later.

Take the day off.

Huh.

[gentle music playing]

[Claire] This is our movie, Griff, and he's just cutting us out.

[Griff] Yep. Welcome to show business, baby.

You're not in it unless you're getting screwed over by your friends.

[chuckles]

Yeah.

You ever wake up and wonder what the hell have I done with my life?

- [chuckling] Oh, yeah. Like, every day. - Mmm.

Hey, at least you had the guts to go after what you wanted.

- No. - You think I wanted to go to law school?

What have I got to show for it though, huh?

You know what I have?

I have a terrible apartment and a 74-year-old roommate.

[sighs] Sometimes I go to Trader Joe's just to feel air conditioning.

You at least have a career.

I mean, what do I have to show for it?

I've got no family. No career.

Never done anything that matters.

No nothing.

[sighs]

It's never too late.

[knocking on door]

[Doug] Griff, I know you're in there.

Let's make a movie.

[Griff groans]

Ugh.

Hola, amigo.

Jesus. Come on, get dressed. We've got a packed day.

What are you talking about? I am dressed.

I'm dressed really... very nicely.

All right. Can you just take a cold shower?

We gotta film, like, now.

Here's an idea. You know what you should call the movie?

Ana-conda. Get it?

Ana-conda, 'cause of Ana.

Can you just get in costume?

Man, you know what? You wouldn't even be here

if it wasn't for me.

Without me, you'd still be stuck in Buffalo

shooting your bullshit wedding videos.

[breathes heavily] Films.

Yeah, you can tell yourself that.

My God, you know what? I-- I-- I vouched for you too.

Even the rights holders,

they're like, "Who is this guy?"

I said, "Trust me. He's good."

[boat approaching]

What is that?

[announcer] Attention, all crew.

Let's get prepped for scene 85, location Bravo.

Five minutes.

[Claire] Are they making a movie?

[announcer] Five minutes to arrival.

Excuse me, are you guys shooting a movie?

We're doing a reboot of Anaconda.

[Doug] Come again?

[crew member] A reboot of Anaconda.

Anaconda?

- Like, Ice Cube Anaconda? - Yeah.

Sony is rebooting it.

I know. No new ideas.

[tense music playing]

That's weird.

So, let me get this straight.

You don't have the rights to Anaconda?

No, well, I...

Not legally.

And you've never owned the rights to Anaconda?

I mean, who owns Anaconda?

Sony. Sony owns Anaconda.

Yeah, no, no, I know. I know.

I mean, like, you know, like, in the larger sense.

Why would you tell us that you had the rights

to the goddamn Anaconda franchise

when you very much don't have the rights

to the goddamn Anaconda franchise?

Do we... [stammers] ...really even need the rights?

Really? I mean, like, who gives a shit?

- About IP? - Yeah.

Literally everyone. [chuckles]

That's what big movies are! That's why we're here!

You think that's why we're here?

Yes, that's why we're here!

We almost died!

We're out in the middle of the goddamn jungle for a lie!

I had to lie!

I had to lie to you!

You wouldn't have come otherwise!

You wouldn't... None of you would have--

- [groans] Bullshit! - [Griff] Not bullshit.

It's why you never came out to LA with me in the first place,

even though we had a whole plan to work together.

Your whole life, you've just-- it's been dictated by fear.

Griff,

you're fired.

- What? - [Doug] You're fired.

No. No, I'm not.

You can't fire me. You know why?

Because I quit already.

Last night.

I just didn't tell anybody yet.

So...

Too bad for you, I guess, because I already quit.

[tense music playing]

Griff, wait!

Where are you even gonna go?

To find the Anaconda boat.

Maybe they can help me get home.

Just think about this. It's not safe.

That's a tiny boat.

There's a giant snake out there.

Please don't do this.

Griff.

[epic music playing]

[music fades]

J.Lo?

Ice Cube?

Jon Voight? Are you in this one?

[crew member screaming] Help me!

Help me, man! Help me!

- Hey! - Help me!

- It's okay. It's okay. - Help! Help me!

- Calm down. I'll come get you. - Oh, my...

It's okay. You're safe.

- You're safe. - Oh, thank God.

Oh, shit! Oh, God!

- [yelps] - [engine revving]

Oh, God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- [Claire] Doug! - Mm-hmm?

Doug, what's going on? Why have we stopped?

Well, Ana found a great place to shoot the next scene.

- To shoot? - The next scene? What?

Look. Look, okay, I know. Losing Griff was hard,

but between the four of us, we can finish this film.

I'm not going home empty-handed.

Come on, man. Without Griff...

That's not part of the plan.

Well, plans change and that's part of filmmaking too.

No, no, Doug, we have to go back for him.

- He's not safe out there. - Yeah.

Ana. We need to turn the boat around.

We are not turning the boat around.

Yeah, we're not turning the boat around.

Everyone off the boat now.

What's going on?

[tense music playing]

Ana, what are you doing?

This definitely isn't the plan.

Well, plans change, Doug.

Isn't that filmmaking?

[gun cocks]

And every good film needs a bit of a twist.

Everyone off the boat now!

[tense music playing]

Oh...

[Ana] To the dock.

[Kenny strains, grunts]

You're gonna carry these for me back to the boat. Let's go.

And then what?

And then you're gonna shoot us?

Now!

I'm not going anywhere

until you tell me what's inside these bags.

You wanna look at it? Look at it.

Huh.

[Claire] Wait. Is... Is that...

Gold?

So you're the miner? You did all of this for money?

Very quick, Claire.

- [Doug exclaims] - No!

I'm not gonna be part of your sick quest for--

[Kenny] Ooh! Holy shit.

[in Portuguese] Drop it.

Drop the gun.

The gun.

Now!

Calm down.

[in English] And you, don't move!

[panting]

I'm with the government.

We track illegal gold miners.

And Ana here runs one

of the biggest rings in Brazil.

[Ana speaking Portuguese]

This gold can change your life.

You think I care about gold?

Don't trust anything she says.

She's a liar. She's a damn liar.

We're filmmakers from Buffalo.

We're working on a spiritual sequel to Anaconda

and I don't know if she mentioned that,

but it's not just a reboot,

and I kicked out my friend who had the lead,

and I gave her a juicy-ass role,

- and this is how she treats-- - [Kenny] Really juicy!

Shut up! I don't know what you're talking about, man.

Off-topic. Go, arrest her.

Oh, thank God.

[speaking Portuguese]

[tense music playing]

- [gunshot] - [groans]

- [gasps] - Oh, my God!

Who shot me?

That'd be me, asshole.

Griff, no. He was a good guy.

- I'm a good guy. - He's a cop.

Look, I don't-- What?

I'm a good guy.

Drop it. On your knees now, the four of you,

facing the water.

- [Kenny] Wait. I-- - Now.

[snake growling]

[Joao strains]

[grunts]

No, no, Ana. Don't-- Don't do this.

[Ana] You too, Claire. On your knees, now.

You don't have to be this person.

I have children at home. They're 10 and 13.

Please.

Please.

Think about what you're doing to my kids.

Just shut your mouth. Turn around now.

[whimpers]

[growling]

On your knees.

Now!

[both grunting]

- Toma! - [Doug] Toma!

- Eat that shit! - [Griff] Nice!

[groans]

For the record, that's how you headbutt, bitch!

[Ana breathes heavily]

You won't do it.

You don't have the balls. I know you, Claire.

You don't know me.

I don't even have kids.

[Claire yelps]

[muffled grunts]

[gasping, grunting]

Jesus Christ!

[Claire, Doug gasp]

[muffled grunting]

- [Doug pants] What a snake! - No. No, wait. Wait.

I think the boat is back that way!

Yeah, but so is the snake. We can't go that way!

We gotta take this trail and get to the high ground.

- [Doug] Wait. What's that? - [Claire, Kenny] What?

- [Griff] What? - [screams]

Oh, shit!

- [whimpering] - [Claire] Oh, my God.

Did it bite you?

Yeah, you know what, I think it bit me.

- I think it got me. - Dougie, I know it hurts,

but we gotta get out of here now

because the snake is out there!

I'm sorry, I can't move. My leg is freaking out.

[cries] What are we gonna do?

We're gonna have to piss on you, man.

- Huh? - On the bite.

It's the only way.

I thought that was just jellyfish.

No, no, no, no. It's all animals.

- Are you sure? - Positive.

Someone's gotta piss. I need one of your pisses.

I'd love to be able to help out, but I'm just--

I am drained, tapped, bone-dry.

Claire, you wanna take care of this?

I'm wearing a onesie.

Kenny, we don't have time to argue about this. You're up.

You know this isn't possible.

Why not?

Because he's...

Pee shy.

Pee shy?

[Kenny] I have urinary stage fright.

I haven't been able to pee in public in 35 years.

My life sucks!

You can do this.

You have to do this.

Whiz on me.

- [Griff] You got it, buddy. - Okay.

- [Griff] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah.

- You can do it. - [Griff] You can do it.

- Let it flow. - Let it flow. Yeah.

Just piss on me. Come on. Whiz on me.

Whiz on me. Do it. Whiz on me.

You... You don't think I want to?

I would love to piss all over you, man.

But it's not in the cards!

- Whiz on me. Now. - I can't. I'm trying.

- You can do it! Whiz on me! - I'm trying my hardest!

Do it, Ken! Do it, Ken. Do it. Do it.

That is an order! Whiz on me now!

Okay! Okay.

[Griff] You got it, buddy. You do it.

- There's one more problem. - What?

I haven't told you about this.

I can only pee sitting down.

Jesus Christ!

I need a chair.

Come on, come on, come on.

Come on, buddy.

Come on, Kenny. Come on, come on.

Just do it. Do it!

- Come on, buddy. - [Kenny] Do it.

Come on, buddy.

[suspenseful music playing]

[urine trickling]

- Yeah! - Yeah!

- Yes! Yes! Yes! - [Griff] Nice!

- Yes! Yeah! - [Doug] Yeah! Yeah!

[no audible dialogue]

[triumphant music playing]

Yeah!

[animals chittering]

[Doug breathing heavily]

[Doug whispering] Griff, I'm sorry about

what I said before on the boat.

The truth is,

I've been jealous of you for a long, long time.

Jealous?

For having the balls to do what I couldn't.

For going after what you wanted.

Going to LA and putting yourself on the--

[muffled grunting]

Oh, my God!

- [Kenny] Oh, shit! - Doug!

[Kenny] Oh, my God!

[Claire gasping]

We have-- We have to go after him!

[Kenny] We gotta get out of here.

We do not have a choice. Come on.

[Claire panting]

Griff.

Oh, Griff.

[breathing heavily] Oh.

What did I do?

I tricked him into coming here,

and now he's dead.

No. No. We all chose to be here.

I wish it was me.

It should be me.

This is not your fault, and we have to keep going.

Hey, guys, I think I found out which way we should go.

[suspenseful music playing]

Hey.

[panting]

It's a...

It's a big open field.

We gotta get across it to get to the boat.

But we can't just run across.

It's too exposed.

The snake could come from anywhere.

Maybe we can create a distraction.

Yeah, yeah, maybe, but, I mean, how do we do that?

[breathes heavily]

- I mean, it's gonna be... What? - [shushes]

[leaves rustling]

[growling]

It's here.

[gasps]

[flies buzzing]

What?

What?

Oh, my God. Doug. Doug, no.

Oh, Dougie. Dougie.

- Come on, man. - [Claire] Is he...

- Oh, Jesus Christ. - [shushes]

[Claire crying]

Wait. Wait.

Maybe Doug is the distraction.

[sobs] How?

I know this is horrible, okay?

But if we can drag Doug out into the field,

prop him up

and attach the boar to his back

wouldn't we make it really hard

for the snake to swallow him?

It'll occupy the snake long enough

for us to get across the field

and get back to the boat.

Mmm, it's a really smart idea.

[Kenny straining]

Oh, guys, this is horrible.

If it meant saving all of us,

I'm sure Doug would've wanted this.

I'm not sure he would've wanted this.

Wait.

We gotta go, guys.

[Claire] What are you gonna do? What are you doing?

[stammers, sighs]

Snakes, they love squirrel meat.

[Claire groans]

[Kenny grunting]

[kisses]

[suspenseful music playing]

[all panting]

Wait, the snake is right behind him.

[ethereal music playing]

[growling]

Oh.

I can't... [stammers]

[grunts]

Oh, shit!

[muffled grunting]

- He's alive! He's alive! - He's alive!

- Thought you checked his pulse! - I did!

[Griff] Well, you did a shitty job!

What the fuck?

[playful music playing]

- [Kenny] Doug! Watch out! Run! - [Griff] Doug! Run!

Come on, Doug, run!

- [Kenny] Hey! - [Griff] Run! Faster!

Hey.

- Doug, run! - Doug!

What?

- He's right behind you! - What?

- [Griff] Run, Doug! - [Kenny] Doug!

[anaconda growling]

Oh, shit!

Shit, shit.

Shit. Shit, shit, shit. Shit.

Oh, shit.

- Run! - Run!

- Run, Doug! Run! - Run!

What the hell is on my back?

It's a long story! Just run!

[epic music playing]

[whimpers]

[exclaiming]

Shit!

[yelling]

[grunts, exclaims]

[exclaims] God, help me! Ah! Jesus!

- [Doug exclaiming] - [boar squealing]

Damn it. This thing's alive!

- This thing's alive! - [squeals]

[exclaims] It's trying to bite me!

It's trying to bite me!

[Griff] Doug! Run!

- [screaming] - [squealing]

Holy shit! Get back to the boat!

Get back to the boat! Go!

- Boat! Go! Go! Go! - [Griff] It was right behind me!

[Claire exclaims]

- Okay. All right. All right. - Okay.

I think we're okay. I think we're okay.

[Doug] Oh, God.

All right. All right. We-- Oh.

What the hell!

I thought I was dead.

[chuckles]

- How you doing, Dougie? - [Doug panting]

- I'm okay now. - Good.

I thought we lost you, man.

Can I say something?

I'm-- I'm sorry.

I think I got so caught up in wanting to play a hero,

that I lost sight of what it is

that's really important to me.

And that's just making stuff with you guys again.

Griff, I feel the exact same way.

I love you guys.

I just have one question.

Whose idea was it to put

that dead squirrel in my mouth?

It was like a group decision. It wasn't--

Really?

Yeah, it wasn't like one person.

Snakes love squirrel meat.

I knew it was your idea!

Guys, come on. We gotta keep moving.

All right, well, I made a choice and I'm sticking with it.

Holy shit.

It's the Anaconda set.

[Claire] What happened? It's destroyed.

[static on walkie-talkie]

Hello?

Is anyone there? Hello?

[distorted dialogue on walkie-talkie]

Can you help us?

[crackling]

What? I...

[distorted dialogue on walkie-talkie]

[stammering]

What? Again, sorry?

[person] Behind you!

["Back in Black" playing]

[groans]

♪ Back in black I hit the sack ♪

♪ I've been too long I'm glad to be back ♪

♪ Yes, I'm let loose ♪

♪ From the noose ♪

♪ That's kept me hanging about ♪

Holy shit. Ice Cube?

Who'd you think it was, Jon Voight? Let's go.

♪ Yes, I'm back in black ♪

["Back in Black" fades]

Let's go, let's go, let's go. Now.

In here. Get in here, tube socks.

[tense music playing]

[sighs]

[whispers] We're good.

Hey, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm all right. The snake tore up the set.

Everybody scattered. Lamp hit me, I'm down.

I get up, nobody there.

- What about J.Lo? - Yeah, and Eric Stoltz?

Jenny from the block, so she gonna be okay,

but Eric ain't from the block.

- [Kenny] Jesus. - Damn it.

I don't know how we're gonna do it, but we have to kill it before it kills us.

I'm with that, I'm with that.

Hey, how were they gonna do it in your script?

I don't know. The writer never finished the third act.

What? You guys started shooting before you knew the end?

Welcome to Hollywood, buttercup.

That's what they do. They just make it up as they go along.

What was the general gist? Do you have any idea? Was anything--

All I know is they were setting up pyrotechnics all through here.

Is it still up?

It's hooked up, but I don't know how to work pyro.

Kenny, you know how to ignite pyro, right?

- Not a problem, boss. - [Ice Cube] Hey, hey.

I don't know what y'all talking about. I gotta go save J.Lo and Stoltz.

- Okay. - Really?

- You go. - You're going after them?

They the homies, okay? I can't leave 'em out here with the ops.

I got to go and represent. They my castmates.

Actors code. Respect.

Yeah, yeah.

- Can we get a... - Do you mind?

- We're such fans of everything you do. - Come on, please.

Man, y'all groupied out. Y'all groupied out. What? Let's go.

- Yes! - Okay. Everybody get in here. Grin. Okay.

[shutter clicks]

- Don't post that. - No, no, no.

Can we get one more for safety? I don't think my face was totally in there.

- No, it's fine. - It's fine, it's fine.

- You're gonna need that. - Oh. You sure?

Of course.

I got another one.

All right. Keep it gangster.

Legend.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

Oh, yeah.

- It could work, right? - Hundred percent.

What are you... What are you thinking?

Just so I'm... Just to make sure that it's exactly what I'm thinking.

Which I'm sure it is, totally. I mean...

I'm super sure.

I'm thinking about killing that snake.

Now see, that's it, that's what... I was thinking that too.

[suspenseful music playing]

[Doug] Okay, here's the plan.

Griff, you get the detonator from Kenny.

Claire, you fire up the generators.

Kenny, you set up the cameras.

I'll get the golf cart.

We'll lure the snake into the pyro field

and end this thing once and for all.

You ready for our big Hollywood ending?

- You ready? - Yeah.

Kenny said as soon as we get to the pyro field, we can detonate these one by one.

- Gonna blow this bitch sky-high. - Sky-freaking-high.

[rustling]

[shouts] Come get us, asshole!

Where is he?

["Kickstart My Heart" playing]

Oh, shit!

- Oh, shit. Oh, shit! - Oh, shit!

- Doesn't this go faster? - Well, take off the governor.

Underneath there. See if you can rip it off.

- Governor? - The governor! It slows it down.

- The hell you talking about, governor? - I'm talking about golf cart technology!

- Where'd it go? - I don't see it. I don't know where it is.

Keep your head on a swivel.

I don't see it anywhere.

- Whoa! - Whoa!

[Griff] Oh, my God!

Oh, shit.

We lost the signal.

If we don't get this thing online in time...

Then we're all dead.

- Let's go. - Let's go.

Dude, you're actually a really good driver.

Thank you.

[both scream]

[Griff] Oh, my God!

Why is there no power? Why is there no power?

Pyro field dead ahead. It's now or never.

[Griff] Armed and ready.

- No! - All right, look.

- Look for something like this. - Like this, okay.

Almost there!

It's getting closer! It's getting closer! Oh, God!

Go faster!

Fuck. Found it!

- Can I hit it now? - Hold. Hold.

Now! Hit it now!

Die, you giant snake bitch!

["Kickstart My Heart" ends]

- What the-- - What?

- It's not working! It's not working! - [Doug screams]

- Hit all of them. - I am! I'm hitting every one of 'em!

And now we die! Now we die!

Why didn't it happen?

- Why isn't it... - I don't know.

Oh, wait.

[whirring]

- I forgot to turn it on. - [sighs]

Yes!

Yes!

Whoo-hoo!

- Yes! Yes. Yes. - Yes! Yes!

Yeah!

[triumphant music playing]

Yeah!

Did we kill it?

- No! - Ah! Why?

Come on. The cart's stuck.

Oh, shit.

- Go! - Go, go, go.

[all panting]

- It's a dead end. - Oh, my God.

Oh, shit.

We're all gonna die.

[roars]

[dramatic music playing]

Not on my watch, mister.

[Claire] Ah!

[all grunting]

- Oh, man. - Gross.

[grunting]

[roaring]

[Claire] Griff, no!

- [screaming] - [dramatic music playing]

And that's a wrap on snake.

[grunts]

["I Don't Want to Wait" playing]

[chuckling]

♪ I don't want to wait For our lives to be over ♪

♪ I want to know right now What will it be ♪

♪ I don't want to wait For our lives to be over... ♪

[applauding, cheering]

- [Griff] Thank you very much. - [Doug] Thank you.

A long time ago, a group of artists had a vision

to one day live their dream of making a major motion picture.

And last year, against all odds, I'm proud to say that dream was realized.

[chuckles]

As my friend Kenny likes to say,

the snake is a metaphor for the monsters that come for all of us

if our dreams remain unrealized.

And to be clear, there's also a non-metaphor snake.

[screams]

- [crowd gasps] - Oh, my God!

Quick shoutout to Claire Simons and Kenny Trent!

- [Kenny] Better luck next time! - [Ana shouts in Portuguese]

[groans]

While we may not have the rights...

We don't have... We definitely don't have the rights.

This is our completely unauthorized...

possibly illegal reboot of the Sony classic film...

- Ladies and gentlemen, The Anaconda! - The Anaconda!

["Baby Got Back" playing]

- ["Baby Got Back" stops] - [doorbell rings]

Ho!

Oh!

Are you Doug McCallister?

Uh-huh.

You directed the unauthorized version of Anaconda

even though you didn't have the rights?

Yeah.

I saw your little movie.

[chuckles] And I loved it. I loved it.

That's why I'm here. I'm here because we're doing another Anaconda,

and I want you to direct it.

Are you in?

[thuds]

["Baby Got Back" resumes]

["Baby Got Back" ends]

[birds chirping]

Guys?

Griff?

[chuckles]

[shouts] I'm alive!

[upbeat music playing]