Original subtitles

TED: Okay where were we?

It was June of 2006,

and life had just taken an unexpected turn.

Dad, can't you just skip ahead

to the part where you meet Mom?

I feel like you've been talking for like a year.

Honey, all this stuff I'm telling you is important.

It's all part of the story.

Could I go to the bathroom?

No.

The summer of 2006 was both wonderful and awful.

For me, it started out great.

In fact, day one was amazing.

I'd finally gotten together with Robin.

But while I'd been off having one of the best nights

of my life, your uncle Marshall

had been having one of the worst nights of his.

* Crying in the street... *

MARSHALL: So that's it?

We're breaking up?

Marshall, I'm sorry. I just...

I just need to go

to San Francisco and do this art program and-and figure out

who I am outside of us.

And the only way

that I can do that is if... if we don't talk for a while.

For a while.

Try never, okay?

You walk out that door, and we're done.

You're never going to hear my voice again.

I should call her. No, No.

Ted it is-- If you call her

when she asked you not to you're just going to look weak

and you're going to regret it.

Now, listen, whenever you feel like calling her,

you come find me first.

And I will punch you in the face.

You're a good friend, Ted.

(knock at door)

Hey.

So, did you hear the big news?

You mean how Lily and Marshall broke up,

and Lily's gone and nothing else

even remotely important happened last night,

yeah, I think he knows.

Oh, my God.

I-I'm so sorry. Wh--

What happened?

Well, she left.

And I don't even know if she's coming back.

I didn't get your message until I woke up.

Bro, I am so sorry.

Thanks.

I know it must be tough,

but are you ready to hear something

that will not only make you feel better,

but will actively excite you?

Sure.

For the first time, ever, the three of us are single

at the same time.

I've dreamed about this day, boys,

and it's going to be

legendary.

Together, we will own this city.

Anytime a girl wants to get back at her ex-boyfriends,

we'll be there.

Anytime a girl wants to solve her father issues

through promiscuity and binge drinking, we will be there.

Anytime a bachelorette party drives through the city

in a limo, sticking their heads out the sunroof shouting,

(mimicking female voice): "What's up, New York?"

we will be what is up New York.

Gentlemen, we are about to embark on...

Aw, man, you guys did it, didn't you?

One thing I learned that summer

is that when love is beginning...

(moans)

...and love is ending,

the first 30 days are remarkably similar.

For one thing, you spend most of your time in bed.

(moans)

(groans)

Your friends can't stand to listen to you.

He's so ticklish.

It was a really beautiful song.

So... stupid, man. (mimicking choking)

And you never seem to wear pants.

(sighs)

Hey, Marshall.

Hey, Ted.

You hungry? What's the point?

I could eat some food.

It's just going to leave me.

Well, at least in that scenario you get to do the dumping.

Come on, it's Sunday.

It's pancakes day.

Lily always made the pancakes.

God, I loved her pancakes.

So soft.

So warm.

So perfectly shaped.

Are we still talking about her pancakes?

Come on, you got to eat something; what can I get you?

Beer.

No, that's what you had for dinner.

Fine.

Then I'll just have leftovers.

BARNEY: So, he stays home

all the time not getting laid?

No, see,

that's what you do when you have a fiancée.

He should be down here celebrating.

He's free.

He got that redheaded tumor removed.

You should write and illustrate children's books.

You know what Marshall needs to do.

He needs to stop being sad.

When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead.

True story.

It's only been a month.

He just needs to go at his own pace.

Anyway, Lily's the one who caused this whole mess.

Hey, cut her some slack.

She's our friend, too.

She's just trying to figure out who she is.

Figure out who she is?

Yeah, she should call me; I got a whole list.

She's selfish.

She's immature.

She's...

What?

God, your eyes are so blue.

Aw, Teddy Bear.

(mimics sword unsheathing) Oh that's a...

(groans)

(coughs)

Yeah, it was hard to feel too bad.

I was dating the woman of my dreams,

and things were going great.

Well, for the most part.

So, I found her shampoo.

MARSHALL: I guess she left it here.

It smells like her.

Like lavender and seashells and hope.

Somehow,

erotic and comforting all at the same time.

That's my shampoo.

Oh, sorry.

Mmm, I thought he'd never go to sleep.

(moans)

Uh-oh.

Already?

He's calling her.

I don't hear any-- He's calling her.

No. (screams)

MARSHALL: Okay, you're right, I won't call her.

I will not call her.

Well, I called her.

And get this,

she changed her number.

What, like I'm going to stalk her,

or something? Like she's so special.

Like she's the only Lily Aldrin out there.

'Cause there are four others in the San Francisco area alone,

and they all seem a lot better than her

based on the brief conversations I had with them.

Does he know I'm in here?

Yeah, hey, Robin.

Anyways, one of the Lily Aldrins said...

This has to stop.

Ted, we just started dating.

We agreed we don't want to move too fast,

and yet somehow, we have a baby.

He can't feed himself.

He cries a lot, he keeps us up all night.

Have you tried breast-feeding?

Nailed it!

Look, they were together nine years.

It's only been a month and a half.

He just needs to go at his own pace.

He slept on our floor last night, Ted.

He watched a scary movie.

It is time for some tough love.

We need to get him out of that apartment.

He needs fresh air.

He needs sunshine.

Mmm, sunshine.

ANNOUNCER (over speaker): Please welcome to the stage, Sunshine.

All right, I really don't think this is going to help.

Do you know why you're not over Lily yet?

It's 'cause you can still picture her naked.

You can't get over a woman until you can no longer

picture her boobs; it's a scientific fact.

The average male brain can only store a finite number

of boob images or "b-pegs".

And your hard drive's filled to capacity with Lily's.

There are a lot of them.

Well, they won't go away until you overwrite them

with images of other women's boobs.

Now, this journey may take

as many as a million boobs,

so we begin here tonight, my friend.

Two at a time.

Those count as four.

Yeah.

This is fun right?

We're outside, it's a beautiful day.

The Indians are winning.

I got to admit,

it is really nice to be outside.

ANNOUNCER (over speaker): Yankee fans,

please turn your attention to the Diamond Vision

for a special seventh-inning-stretch surprise.

Oh, no.

(crowd sighing)

(applause and cheering)

It's all a big lie!

She's just going to break your heart.

(crowd booing)

You can drag me out of here, but she has no soul!

We've tried everything-- baseball, strippers.

The guy still won't eat a damn pancake.

I think he's beyond repair.

See, this is the problem with guys.

You don't know how to deal with heartbreak.

Oh, and what's your prescription, Dr. Estrogen?

Eat Haagen-Dazs and watch Love Actually,

till your periods sync up.

(Ted, Barney laughing)

Yeah, that's the stuff.

Oh, my God.

How long have you been doing this?

Well, my dad taught me to me shoot when I was a kid.

Whenever I'm feeling lonely or depressed, I come here,

and it reminds me that...

guns are fun.

(chuckles lightly)

Um, you know, Ted is kind of against guns.

And that's why

Ted's never going to find out about this.

Whoa, that sounded kind of scary

with me holding a gun, didn't it?

No, I-I just mean,

please don't tell Ted.

You want to try?

Only hell yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, this is what I needed.

I felt so powerless this whole time,

but this... (laughs)

this is power.

This is... (gasps)

I should have mentioned the recoil.

I got to hand it to you, when he got home,

Marshall was smiling-- did you sleep with him?

'Cause I was actually, like, three days away

from suggesting that.

Sometimes, all you need is to get in touch

with your feminine side.

(laughing)

Yeah, yeah!

Well, congratulations.

You're the first person to cheer him up all summer.

You win. Oh, what do I win?

I'll tell you what you win:

I'm taking you away this weekend.

You are? Mmm.

That's so nice.

Yeah, my aunt and uncle have a beach house

out in Montauk, oh, it's really romantic.

My uncle's had like three affairs there.

Wow, must be a nice house,

I've seen pictures of your uncle.

This is going to be so great.

We'll finally get some time alone.

Are you sure Marshall's going to be okay with this?

Yeah, absolutely.

Dude, I'm doing much better. Oh.

In fact, take my car.

Really? Yeah.

Hey, thanks... and, hey,

if you need anything day or night, just call me--

You know what, please don't call me.

What? What's wrong?

It's, uh, Lily's credit card bill.

She must have forgotten

to switch her address.

So?

So, I wonder what kind of charges she's making

out there in San Francisco. No.

No, no good can come from looking at this.

You've made too much progress already.

I know but I just, maybe the-- No!

You're going to thank me for this.

You're a good friend, Ted.

August 5th, one charge-- tickets.

To what? George Clinton and the P-Funk All-Stars.

August 10th, one charge: Tennis Emporium.

August 18th, two charges:

Mario's Bistro and, get this, Pet Palace.

You guys see what this means, right?

Wow, Mario's Bistro.

What a perfect place to whore around.

Only the best for my little Lily pad.

Oh, funk legend George Clinton,

I am so glad you spotted me at your concert

and dragged me onstage to dance with you Courtney Cox-style.

And I'm so glad you agreed to play tennis with me.

Aw.

You know, Marshall tried to get me

to play tennis for nine years,

but I didn't do it, because I never truly loved him.

I got you a gift.

Oh.

A ferret.

Oh, I'll buy it some food next door at the Pet Palace.

Oh, I've always wanted one,

but Marshall had this secret phobia of ferrets.

I bet that's something he made you promise not to tell nobody.

(laughing): It was.

Oh.

I love you, funk legend George Clinton.

I love you, too, Lily.

That's right, Marshall, she's all mine.

Now I'm gonna let her play with my hair.

* Ow, we want the funk *

* Give up the funk... *

That's the craziest thing I've ever heard.

Yeah, why are you afraid of ferrets?

They're adorable.

Because, Robin, they're like fuzzy, tube-shaped rats.

Plus, those charges are from, like, a month ago.

Exactly. For new charges,

you have to go to her online account.

You can see credit card activity from, like, two hours ago.

But, you know, don't.

Why do you talk?

Why do you talk?!

BARNEY: He needs her password.

It's not like he has her password.

Ooh, this is good, he has her password.

There's a charge from earlier today:

the Kellett Hotel on 5th.

I don't believe this.

Lily's back in New York.

I can't believe this.

Lily's in New York?

I-I guess I've been thinking

when she got back, she'd call me.

That's really the only reason

I've been able to hold it together so far this summer.

This has been "holding it together"?

Okay, you know what? I'm calling her.

No. Ted, give me the phone.

You're not calling her, this changes nothing.

You, come here.

Look, while we're away this weekend, can you keep

an eye on him, make sure he doesn't call that hotel?

You want me to babysit him?

(laughs) 20 bucks.

An hour.

And money for pizza.

Uh, yeah, how about you do it for free

or every time we hang out, you have to watch this?

Come here. Ooh.

My little blue-eyed baby, baby lips. Ooh, ooh, sugar, sugar...

Okay, I'll do it!

Stop being a couple.

Marshall. Marshall, Marshall!

Ted, I know I shouldn't do this, but I have to! You call her

We were together for nine years! and everything we've been working so hard for

is completely flushed down the toi...

Hello, Lily Aldrin's room, please.

Thank you. Hang up now.

Ted, I can't hang up now. Hang up now.

The missiles are in the air, and I know that you don't approve.

Hang up. Hello.

Uh, a guy answered.

There's-there's a guy in her room.

I'm going down there.

BARNEY: Dude, you can't do that.

I have to go down there, and I have

to tell her I love her; I have to beg her to take me back,

even if I have to get down on my knees.

Marshall, you can't do that. Oh, really, why not?

TED: 56 days.

That's how long it took me to get right about here.

Because you're pathetic!

I'm sorry, but right now, you are not Marshall.

You are the miserable,

whining, shampoo-sniffing ghost of Marshall,

and frankly, a guy like you

doesn't have a shot in hell with a girl like Lily.

You know who might have a shot

somewhere down the line?

Marshall.

The real Marshall.

But if you go down there right now like this, you're going

to blow it for him, and he's never going to forgive you.

Of course, whatever I say,

you're just going to do the opposite,

so have a great weekend.

Good luck screwing up your life.

Come on, Robin.

(clears throat)

Is it still okay if we borrow the car?

Bold. Bold to go for the car.

What?

I didn't say a thing.

You think I was too hard on him.

I didn't say a thing. (scoffs)

I can't believe you're accusing me of being too hard on him.

You're the one who said "tough love."

Yeah, tough love, not "hand the guy a noose."

Oh, but it's okay to hand him a nine millimeter?

Yeah, he told me.

So you're a gun nut?

No, I'm a gun enthusiast. Do you know how many people

are killed each year The Second Amendment

protects my right to bear arms... in accidents...

All right, all right, all right.

I was too hard on him.

A little.

(laughs softly)

I'm going to call Barney, see how they're doing.

(phone rings) Go for Barney.

Oh, hey, where are you guys?

We're at a fundraiser,

helping young women raise money for community college.

Strip club, nice.

Is Marshall okay? (laughs)

Yeah, he's here and he's great.

Uh, hang on. Marshall?

Tell Ted that--

Uh-oh.

Already?

What? What uh-oh?

He's gone.

You lost him?

I can't believe this.

He's going to go down to that hotel.

Crap, you're right.

Okay, okay, here's the plan, here's the plan.

You go down to the hotel and find him.

I'll stay here and get a lap dance.

On three. One, two...

Barney!

Was there a hot tub at your uncle's place?

A really nice one.

Hi, uh, could you tell me what room Lily Aldrin's in?

Marshall.

(chuckling): Hey.

What happened?

Well, I went up to Lily's floor,

and I had this little speech in my head--

everything I've been wanting to say to her all summer

about love, loyalty, respect.

I knocked on the door.

So you knocked out Lily's new boyfriend?

Yeah.

It wasn't Lily's boyfriend.

What? Who-- who was it?

TED: His name was Joey Adalian, although he went by a number

of aliases in his years as an identity thief.

Apparently, earlier in the summer...

LILY: Oh, this is so embarrassing.

I-I could have sworn I had some change.

I know, I know.

I'm sorry.

Oh, here we go.

No, that's-that's a button.

It was a button.

Do you, uh, take credit cards?

Yes, I do.

So Lily's not back in town,

and she doesn't have a boyfriend?

Th-That's good news, right?

Yeah.

I don't know.

Those credit card charges

were the only remaining connection I had to her.

I don't know where she is or what she's doing.

She was my whole life, man, and now she's-she's gone.

You know, first day of college, I showed up,

I was so freaked out,

and-and I got up to my room, and there was my roommate,

lying on the bed with his feet up on the wall.

Had headphones on, big smile on his face

like he just didn't give a crap.

Happy.

Confident. Not afraid of anything.

That guy was you.

You before you met Lily.

Ted?

Yeah?

I was high that day.

I was.

I was so high, I thought you were the dean.

Wh-What I'm saying is

there's a version of you without Lily,

and it's not this.

You can't let Lily steal your identity

the way that guy stole hers.

Okay.

Okay, resolved.

Starting tomorrow, I'm going to start being okay.

(chuckles)

Cheers. Cheers.

* *

But he wasn't,

'cause that's not how life works.

The next day, he found one of her socks or something,

and we were back to square one.

And then, one morning...

Ted, I think you should see this.

Oh, no, what now?

Marshall, what are you doing?

It's Sunday.

It's pancakes day.

It took him 67 days

and one really disgusting batch of pancakes...

So good.

Mmm. So good.

...but Marshall had come back from the dead.

Because while baseball, strippers, and guns can help,

the only thing that can really heal a broken heart is time.

* I try to laugh about it *

* Cover it all up with lies *

* I try to laugh about it *

* Hiding the tears from my eyes *

* 'Cause boys don't cry. *