Original subtitles

[dramatic instrumental music]

[dramatic instrumental music]

[dramatic instrumental music]

[bird squawk]

[dramatic instrumental music]

[owl hoots, crickets chirp]

[music]

[fire crackles]

[music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[footsteps]

[music]

[metal grinding]

[music]

[chain clunks]

[chain rattles]

[music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[sizzling]

[music]

[Kellenberger] Look at those flapjacks.

[Jeff] Have decorum, Mr. Kellenberger.

We are on our way to church camp.

- Lord, I thank Thee for this awesome bounty of flapjacks.

- Much better.

- Where is she from?

Does anybody know?

- I don't know.

From around, somewhere.

- I wonder if she comes from a single-parent home.

You two would have a lot to talk about then.

Right, Jacqueline?

- How about you go find out?

- Maybe I will if you shut the fuck up.

- Please don't, Danielle.

- Hi, there.

- Oh, hi.

- I'm Danielle.

- I'm Faith.

- I know.

Look, I-I really wanted to talk to you about something,

if that's all right.

- Sure.

- Okay, well...

I want you to remember that I'm saying this

with all the kindness in my heart.

But, uh...

ever since you got on this bus you've been attracting

the wrong sort of attention.

- Excuse me?

- Sweetie, don't you think that blouse is a little snug on you?

You know, if you want I can try and scare you up, uh --

what size are you?

Extra large?

- Yeah, no thank you.

I'm good.

- Okay, well, let me know if you change your mind.

- Will do.

- Oh, and-and you do remember your Proverbs, don't you?

Like a gold ring in a pig's snout

is a beautiful girl without discretion.

- So true.

And you of course remember your Book of Obadiah:

Lonely is the woman who only has flat cakes

to bring to the banquet.

'Bye now.

- That was so awesome.

Like you are so brave.

- It was nothing, believe me.

- I'm Jacqueline.

- I'm Faith.

- Y-y -- um, just so you know, that verse is not

in the Book of Obadiah.

- Oh, I know.

- [laughs] Okay.

Um, well, it's really cool that you're here.

I'm...

- Talk to her for me, bro.

- Dude, talk to her yourself.

- Jeff, come on.

Just get her warmed up for me, man.

- She's plenty warm.

Just go fuckin' talk to her and say hello.

I can't do this for you forever, man.

- All right, never mind. Forget I asked.

- Don't do that.

- Friend.

- Don't do that. - Friend.

- Don't call me -- - Friend.

- Dude. - Friend.

- I am your friend. - Best friend.

- Oh, fuck you, dude.

- Really?

- You think I'm going to be your wing man forever?

When are you going to fly?

When do you fly? - I fly every day.

- But let me see those wings. - No. Stop.

- Let me see those wings.

- Fly. - I am flying.

- Fly. Fly. - I'm flying.

- Then fuckin' fly.

- [yelling] All right, get off my ass --

uh, said Jesus to Moses, um --

- That's right.

- -- when Moses tried to climb aboard Jesus's --

- Donkey.

- -- donkey -- - Yep. Mm-hmm.

- -- after, um, he drank too many natty ice --

- Yes.

- -- pounders.

- Amen, brother.

Sorry.

- That went well.

- Yeah, I think that was good.

- Hey, gang.

All right.

Let's try to settle down.

How about we try five deep breaths?

I'm going to go first.

[chatter on bus]

SHUT UP!

All right.

Well, I know that we have a lot of new faces this year,

so we're going to get to the rules.

But first let's do some introductions.

I'm the camp director, Doug...

Doug.

And I am so excited to be working with you this year

to ensure that our campers are going to leave

Good Friends Church Camp

transformed by His awesome message.

- Amen.

- You guys are a special group, so I have something

special for you.

See this?

It's a jar, a jar.

But there's nothing in it.

But if you do something good, like following the rules

or showing strong leadership, I am going to take a marble

[marble tinks]

and put it in the jar.

Now, if we have a situation where you do something wrong,

like not following the rules...

the marble is going to come out.

- Oh, no.

What do we do?

- I'll explain it later to you, Courtney.

Now, at the end of the week if we have a jar full of marbles,

guess what?

We're going to have a pizza party.

Everybody loves pizza, right?

Excited?

- Sounds fucking gay.

- Nailed it.

I mean ...

pizza party?

Awesome.

- Mr. Kellenberger, is it?

I would like to let you know that there is nothing

gay nor homosexual or deviant of any kind at

Good Friends Church Camp.

For example, rule number one:

no masturbating.

[groans in bus]

- Boo. What?

Are you serious?

- Dude, I'm halfway through rubbin' one out right now.

- I'm helping him.

- Come on, man.

- This is bullshit.

- Guys, guys, guys, I don't make the rules.

He does.

- I guess he's right.

- Rule number two: no laughing like a liberated woman.

[car driving up]

[suspenseful music]

[suspenseful music]

[footsteps]

[suspenseful music]

[bus driving by]

- Waaahhhhhh!

[music]

[footsteps]

[guitar playing blues]

- Morning.

- Morning.

Where's that bus going?

- What bus?

- That bus.

- [Clears throat] Well, I'd say since school is

not in session that that bus is going out to the-the

church camp, out there by Big Timber State Park.

- The camp?

- Mm-hmm.

- You got any ammo?

- Yeah, right over there.

There ain't much in season right now.

You doing you some huntin'?

- Yeah.

Yeah, sort of.

[box slams on counter]

That too.

- Gonna be, uh, $15.75.

- All right.

Got a bag?

- Nah.

- Thanks.

- Hey, you know, Mister, you enjoy that.

That there is the best breakfast in a box

that money can buy [chuckles].

- You don't know what breakfast is.

[suspenseful music]

- [birds chirping]

- [shouting] All right, everyone get the fuck out!

- All right, everybody.

Come on!

We got a big day ahead.

Good to see you.

Good to see you.

Nice to see you again.

Hey!

- [music]

- [music]

- So, Leon, remember: you're going to pick up

the campers at the Kirkland Elementary School

at 0700 hours.

- [shouting] Yeah, man, I'll remember, okay?

- Yes.

Well, I don't want a repeat of last summer.

Remember?

When you took the campers to the Eagle Pass Casino for 12 hours?

I got a lot of angry phone calls from parents.

- Fuck you, Doug.

Fuck you.

- Well, that's [indistinct].

Do we have an understanding?

[indistinct]

- Hey, everyone.

Coming through.

Doug coming through.

Let's part these red seas.

All right.

Yeah!

[slap]

[laughs] Oh, I can't wait!

Are you guys ready?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

Now, the campers arrive tomorrow.

So Theresa and I have assigned some tasks to help

get the place ready.

- Hi, everyone.

I'm Theresa.

And since you'll all be working so hard,

we have took the liberty of preparing a special treat

for all of you.

Reggie?

- Hey, everybody.

Good to meet ya.

It's Shrove Tuesday, and that means Reggie's cooking up

a nice big pancake dinner.

- Breakfast for dinner?

Could things be getting any crazier?

Huh?

Yeah?

Yeah.

Okay.

Um, Kendra and Courtney --

- Yeah?

- If you can go prepare Jonah's Fishing Shed,

that'd be great.

- You got it!

- All Right.

Uh, Faith and Jacqueline?

I'm going to send you guys down to the Little Beach

Volleyball Court of Bethlehem.

- Oh, my gosh.

Awesome!

Let's go.

It's this way.

- Okay.

- Excuse me.

- Can you move over, guys?

- They're so quiet.

- Great kids.

Jeffrey and Stanley?

Jeffrey and Stanley?

[shouting] Jeffrey and Stanley!

Thanks.

You guys are going to muck out the Stables of Solomon.

When you're there, go find Alberto.

Well, that's fun to say!

- It is.

It's Spanish.

- Mm.

Oh, we did change the oats on the horses so their BMs

might be a little soft.

- You can count on us, Dougie.

- Oh, Mr. Conroy, if this keeps up I see a few more

marbles in a jar.

- I love your marbles, Doug.

- Thanks.

- It's like the best thing ever.

Like -- and, yeah, it's going to be super exciting.

- Excuse us.

- Go ahead.

- Hi.

- We're gonna go, uh, muck the stables.

You wanna come?

- Yeah, no. I'm good.

- You guys go on ahead. No.

- All right.

More for us, then.

- All right.

- See you later.

- Yeah.

- So glad you said no.

I hate mucking the stables.

Yeah.

And what was in that bag, anyway?

- Alfalfa.

- Oh.

- You know, for the horses.

- Yeah.

All right.

Um, well volleyball court's this way, so.

- Okay.

[thrasher music]

♪ Put the needle on the record ♪

[thrasher music]

- Wo, wo, woooo!

[thrasher music]

[bus passing by]

[bus screeches to a stop]

- Wooo!

- Goddamn it, Leon.

Where the fuck you been?

- Just dropped off my load.

Wanna help me drop another?

- Fuck you, Leon.

We should leave your ass for making us wait here

in this shithole fucking morning.

- Oh, come on, ladies.

Leon's hornier than a three-balled tomcat.

Besides, I've got some party favors.

- Fuck it.

- Fuck it.

[laughing]

- [thrasher music]

[doors squeak]

[bus driving off]

- Oh, yeah.

Mm.

- Thank you.

Right there.

- Feels so good.

Oh, yeah.

- Right there, [indistinct], I mean Leon.

- [moaning]

- Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

[bus squeaking]

- [suspenseful music]

- It feels so good.

Yeah.

- Just like that.

- Right there.

[bus squeaking]

- [boots stomping]

- What was that?

- Shut up with that paranoia shit again.

Pass me the bag.

Oh, fuck.

[glass shatters]

- What do you have up there.

Goddamn!

[suspenseful music] Goddamn.

Goddamn.

Goddamn.

Goddamn.

[suspenseful music]

[gurgling]

[suspenseful music]

- [screaming]

- [birds chirping, bee buzzing]

- So last summer, um, we did a play from the

Book of Chronicles.

And I played Josiah the Levite.

And Susie Bokerman referred to me as Jazaniah the Macathite

[laughs].

I know.

And then like when I'd go swimming all the kids would

leave because [indistinct] everywhere.

And then like I swear like [indistinct]

[sounds of bushes moving, suspenseful music]

like Moses walked on water like in the swimming pool

here at camp.

And I like -- and I mean -- [sounds of bushes moving].

Oh, my God, was-was that a bear?

- No, no.

I'm sure it's nothing.

I'm going to go check it out.

- Be-be careful.

[suspenseful music]

[heavy breathing]

[suspenseful music]

[rustling]

- Ernie, what the hell are you doing ?

- Uh, I-I was bird-watching.

- Right.

Yeah, let me go ahead now and take this.

- Hey, that's not what we were doing.

- What the hell, Ernie?

Is this supposed to be us?

- N-no.

- Huh? Is that me?

- No.

- Huh? Because this is a medical condition.

This is not normal.

- No.

- Right.

God.

I'm going to go ahead and hang onto this, you know,

just in case.

- I-I gotta go clean wood shop.

[running footsteps]

- I don't like that guy.

He seems like a major creeper.

Like I mean what would he be doing -- what --?

Hey, wait up.

- That's a shitload of weed, dude.

- Lot of weed for a beautiful day in the forest

with my best buddy.

- All right.

- So what's your angle on that Faith chick, dude?

- Oh, god, she's a prude, dude.

- You know what they say about those prudes, though.

- What?

- Once they get nude, shit gets crude.

- [laughs] I think we'd have a lot better luck going to

those two cheerleader types down at the lake.

- Kendra and Courtney?

- Yes.

- Agreed.

- Say we run a little '93 Bulls on 'em?

- I thought you were going to say that --

- I'll go Jordan, you go Pippen?

- No.

You always get Jordan.

- Aw, come on, man.

- I'm tired of Pippen.

I'm tired of Pippen.

- You're lucky to get to be Pippen, dude.

You should be fuckin' Luc Longley.

- Just take it back.

- M-- no.

- Take it back.

- Luc Longley is an integral part of that team.

- Dude, at least give me Rodman.

He had some flair.

- Shit.

What the fuck?

[music]

- Buenos dias...

potitos.

[laughs]

- What?

- Fuck.

[shoveling]

- Shit.

[coughing]

- Where do you get this pussy-ass weed, man?

You know, you really ought to try the shit we have

down in Sinaloa, man.

That shit'll fuck you up, man, for sure.

[coughing]

- This sucks, dude.

- Don't worry.

That's some Amsterdam Albino Rhino.

He's gnawing it.

- So what?

- So by the time he's done smoking and chewing

he's going to be cruising eight miles high, bro.

- This better fucking work, man.

I'm losing my high.

- When have I been wrong?

- Seriously?

When have you been wrong, Luc Longley?

Come on, man.

- [laughing] Oh...

[creepy music]

- [Jeff whispering] Stack-stack the shit.

- [Kellenberger] More shit?

- [Jeff whispering] Come here.

Fuck it. Let's go.

- Hey!

Hey, what are you doing?

Ah...

and keep up the good work, amigos!

Eh?

[laughing]

[footsteps running]

[breathing heavy]

- You really think he bought that?

- Yeah, yeah, he bought it, dude.

[giggles]

- We need a game plan, man.

- The chicks, dude, the cheerleaders.

- Yeah.

- [chuckles]

- I smell like shit.

- Yeah.

[laughs]

- Fuck it.

Let's go.

- Carmenzita.

Oh, why did you leave me?

Oh.

[laughs] Here, have some.

Here.

Just for you and me.

Don't tell nobody, okay?

[creepy music]

[kiss smack]

[chains rattle]

[phone drops]

[music]

Carmenzita.

I knew you'd be back.

[laughs]

Your hair is as soft as the finest fleece.

[deep inhale]

Ah... ah.

[music]

What's wrong, my little dove?

Oh, you are angry, no?

Surely you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

After all, life is much too short to be taken for granted.

[creepy music]

[choking]

Carmenzita...

you are much stronger than I remember.

[gasping, struggle]

[neck snaps]

[head bangs against the wall]

- I'm tired of running, dude.

- Okay. Let's walk.

- Okay.

- You want the blonde or the brunette?

- I don't care.

- I'll take the blonde.

Come on.

- Whose cabin is this?

- I don't know, man.

Let's go.

Dude, they're gonna fuck somebody else, man.

They're gonna fuck Ernie.

[inaudible]

[music]

- [Jeff] Oh, my God.

- [Kellenberger] Oh, my God, yes.

Uh...

- Oh.

- [Kellenberger] Oh, my God, dude.

- [Jeff] Oh, my God.

- [Kellenberger] What?

Oh, my God, dude.

[indistinct outside the window] No, no, no, no, no.

- It's all your fucking fault.

- How is that my fault?

I discovered her.

- Yeah, not fast enough, man.

Wait.

Shh. Shh.

- [music "World's Most Beautiful Girl"]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I had a vision, girl ♪

♪ I had you on my mind. ♪

[boys outside moaning]

♪ All the joy you've given me ♪

♪ Now I thank the stars for the woman you are. ♪

♪ Now that I know ♪

♪ the world's most beautiful girl. ♪

[boys outside moaning]

♪ Beautiful girl. ♪

♪ Your smile, oh, baby, ♪

♪ Makes my heart skip a beat. ♪

♪ In a world where dreams are few♪

♪ all of mine come true. ♪

♪ And you, you could fill an ocean with love ♪

♪ and wherever we are catch a falling star, ♪

♪ just to prove my love to you. ♪

♪ I'm in love... ♪

♪ with the world's most beautiful girl, ♪

♪ Girl, beautiful girl. ♪

♪ I'm in love. ♪

♪ ♪

- [Kellenberger] Aw, dude.

[stomp stomp]

And she's still --

- Hey!

What are you guys doing?

- Fixing the window.

- Why aren't you back at the stables?

- Why aren't you at the stables?

- Five marbles!

Five marbles!

Think about that when you're not having your pizza!

Oh, mm...

[music]

♪ girl, girl, beautiful, beautiful ♪

- [screams]

- Ah, grmph.

[gurgle sounds]

[gurgle sounds]

- Figure we've got ourselves a 10-mile radius to worry about.

Turn over every milkweed and berry bush.

[door opens]

- Excuse me.

Uh, who's in charge here?

- Can I help you?

- Yeah.

You have to evacuate the woods, uh, immediately.

- Pardon me, Mister --?

- Uh, Shirtcliff -- actually, Dr. Peter Shirtcliff.

- Pardon me, Dr. Shirtcliff, but before I just clear out

my woods I'm going to need you to give me a real good reason.

- Well, I will.

Them woods are haunted, you know.

They're haunted with death.

And you can choose to ignore me if you'd like

or you can help me stop it.

It's up to you.

- Look, doc, if I had a nickel for every screw loose

who came in here thinking he's seen Bigfoot

or little green men from Mars, I'd have an eight-bedroom estate

in Beverly Hills.

- [laughs] [indistinct mumbles]

- [laughs] I bet you would.

Ha -- Bigfoot.

[laughs] That's...

absurd.

- Doc, I'm real busy here at the moment.

So I'm going to need you to give me a real reason I need to be

concerned or I'm going to kindly ask you to be on your way.

- I'm not able to fully divulge the extent of my information.

But you can take my word as a gentleman that the danger

is very real.

And everyone's at risk.

- I will take that under advisement.

Unfortunately, right now I have the very real problem of

two missing hikers on my hands.

Sorry I can't help you at the moment.

Shep, see the good doctor out.

- Uh, yes, Ma'am.

- Listen, listen, listen:

whatever is on that map is not what you're looking for.

H-h-h-h -- look -- here.

Here.

Look at these.

Look th -- here, right here.

[music]

- Lord have mercy.

- Yeah.

- This meatloaf recipe calls for two packets of

French onion soup mix!

- That ain't what I'm talking about [laughs].

- Normally there's t--

- Above the fold.

- M-- wha-- mass murderer?

I-i-in Big Timber?

- Yeah.

- It says it right here.

- Committed every 30 years since 1892.

- No.?

- On this day, on this Tuesday.

Now, you can go ahead and ignore me and not evacuate those woods

and you can have blood all over you and blood all over

your hands and your face and all over your shirt and everything.

And you'll have your own blood on you too, probably.

- Now, you listen up, Shirtdick.

You might think that we're just a couple of jerkwater rubes

out here, not doing anything, don't know what we're doing.

Well, guess what?

I'm college-educated, all right?

And I ain't got time to bumble-dick around

with your shit-face, all right?

So how about you quit wasting my time?

- Well, if you don't want to help me

then you could at least guide me to the camp

and I'll take care of it myself.

- Not a chance.

I've had it full to here with your gibberin'

so you'd best move on before I place you under arrest.

- Fine.

- Go on.

- Okay.

All right.

- Sorry.

- It's Shirtcliff, by the way.

- Thank you for the lovely chat.

- You're both going to die.

[door creaks and closes]

- Mind if I --?

- Shep, sit down.

- Yes, Ma'am.

[footsteps]

- [birds chirping]

- Doc --

-Uh, I can help you find the camp.

But I gotta ask you a question first.

- All right.

- Can I keep this recipe?

- Yeah.

Yeah, you can.

- Hot diggity dog!

Thank you!

- Yeah.

- Okay. Okay.

All you gotta do is take, uh, Comanche Road south 'till you

get to Zakudo and-and then you-you take that west

and it'll be on your right-hand side.

And you can't miss it.

- Okay.

All right.

Uh, thank you.

- Oh, no, thank you.

Thank you.

- You've done a tremendous service to those people.

- And you have too.

Y-- and, uh, hey, you should come back and, uh,

try that meatloaf with me later, perhaps?

- You don't know what meatloaf is.

[smirks]

[smirks]

[footsteps]

[music]

♪ ♪

[swoosh sound]

[music]

[bush rustles]

[birds chirp]

- Courtney, I have a really great idea.

- What kind of idea?

Because your ideas usually get us into trouble.

- This one is a lot better than most of them.

I think that we should go skinny-dipping.

- I don't think God would like that.

- Come on.

To be unashamed is to be without sin.

- Mm... oh, okay.

[music]

[whoosh]

[splat]

- Is it cold?

- A little bit.

This is nice, though.

And it's not that bad once you get in.

- Yeah, it's really nice.

- You know what would be really fun right now?

- What would be fun?

Oh.

- [Together] A splash fight!

[laughing]

- Whoa, that's cold.

[explosion]

[whacking noises]

[girls laughing and screaming]

[louder whacking noises]

[tree creaks]

[thud]

[crash and splat]

- Was that thunder?

- I don't know.

Dude, I think God's angry at us.

[splashing]

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my gosh.

Hurry.

[creepy music]

[crunching leaves]

- I really need a hit right now.

I seriously can't believe nobody here has marijuana.

- Mariguana, like --?

- Marijuana.

- This is church camp.

- Okay.

- Why would anyone have that?

- We're in the woods. It's a plant.

It's like God's gift to us.

We're in the woods.

- Yeah, God's gift to us is like plants in the woods

like salad.

You can have some salad.

I'll make you salad.

- I will try smoking some salad.

I -- yeah, I'll try it.

- You don't have to smoke anything.

There's -- children are coming.

We get to teach them and --

- Oh, my God.

Fuck the children. I hate children.

I don't care.

Like why do you keep bringing up the children?

I don't care.

I'm-I'm not even here on my choice.

- Guys, please, like this place isn't bad enough

with you guys trying to light up lettuce over here.

So come on.

[running footsteps]

[grunts]

- Sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

- Yeah, I'm fine.

- Where did you all come from?

- Huh...

- Um...

- You guys know the rule about sodomy, right?

- Huh?

- Uh, no.

- No. No.

We don't --

- We were, you know --

- No.

[stammering and chuckles]

- No, we're not -- we-were just...

- Wrestling.

[laughs]

- Right.

Well, we were going to go to the dining hall, which is this way.

- What the fuck, dude?

Wrestling?

- I don't know, I freaked out.

- Hey!

Hey, hang on!

I'm gonna come with.

- But I thought we were going to check out those cheerleaders.

- Sometimes you've got to fly on your own, little birdie.

See you.

- Time to fly.

[moaning]

[heavy breathing]

- Well, that was interesting.

- Yeah.

[sighs] Well?

- Well what?

- Get me a cigarette.

I'm out.

- Cigarettes make women look like prostitutes.

- I said, "Go."

[music]

- [humming]

[leaves rustling]

- [humming]

Those are some big fucking pancakes.

[choking]

[screams]

- Trevor?

Goddamn it, Trevor.

Stop dicking around and get out here.

[sighs]

You better have my goddamn cigarettes.

Trevor?

[footsteps]

Trevor, is that you?

[footsteps]

Goddamn it, Trevor.

I can hear you.

I fucking see you shuffling around out there, you dick.

I swear, you are the most spineless,

ineffectual piece of shit I've ever met.

And guess what?

Your dick is small.

Yeah.

Yeah, I bet you heard that, didn't you?

And you don't please me and you probably can't please anyone

'cause you're a pussy.

You heard me.

I know you heard me.

Get the fuck out here.

[yelling] Get the fuck out here, okay?

[creepy music]

[heavy scared breaths]

[creepy music]

- [screams]

[bones snap]

[screams]

[screaming and crying] No, no, no, noooooo.

[screaming and crying]

What did I do?

What do you want from me?

What did I do?

[crying] Fuck you!

[crying]

[crying] Oh, God.

No.

No.

What are you doing?

Wait.

[screams]

[crying] No, please don't.

What is that?

[crying and music]

[screaming]

[thud]

- [sighs]

JT Jeppson's Authentic Lumberjack Flapjack Batter...

the best breakfast in a box money can buy.

Just add water?

You don't just add water.

There we go.

Ooh, Italian pancakes.

[music]

[music]

- Well, look at you, riffin' on the recipe.

I like it.

Mind if I...

- Oh, go for it.

- [giggles]

[coughs]

- What do you think?

- Uh, ahem, real good.

- You okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.

- You can take some more.

- Yeah, no, mmmm. - No, you like it?

- Mm-hmm.

- Uh, whew!

- Love it.

- I was trying a couple of other things, so --

- Yeah, I ain't tasted pancakes that good since Steve Rodriguez.

- Oh, wow.

Who's Steve Rodriguez?

- Steve Rodriguez.

- Nope.

- You ain't never heard of Steve Rodriguez?

- No.

- Best damn chef I ever seen.

- Oh.

- Does his thing at Denny's up in Amarillo.

Wolfgang Puck, my ass!

[chuckles]

Uh, anybody seen my syrup?

Had a whole barrel full of it in here.

- Nope.

- Hmm...

- No.

- Well, I'm going to go have a look around.

Y'all keep an eye open for me.

[smack smack]

- Will do.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- What are we, uh, what are we doing?

- Making pancakes.

- Cool.

Let's see what we've got here.

Fuck.

- Yeah, I was trying a couple of different things.

They have so many ingredients here.

I just got excited.

- Wow.

Yeah, that's definitely different.

- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.

- Different good? - Y-- different good.

Different.

- Oh, good. Okay.

I was going to surprise everybody.

We've had a rough day.

- It's going to be a surprise, definitely.

It'll be a surprise.

- Well, good.

You know, I-I went a little off on the recipe, you know.

It's not exactly what-what it said.

Oh!

- It's-it's good.

- Yeah?

- [music with drumming]

- Oh, my God.

Oh, we're going to do this now?

- Oh, oh, okay.

No, no, no, no, no.

- Yeah. Yeah.

You are going to do this now.

- Hey. Hey, hey.

- Come back here!

I'm going to get you.

[Latino music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- Agh!

What the fuck?

That's fire!

[Latino music]

- You fucking bitch.

[Latino music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Latino music]

- All right, all right. Everybody, okay.

That's quite enough, all right?

Dude, we've had our fun. But seriously, come on.

Cut it out.

What the fuck?

- [screams]

- What's going on, guys?

[screams]

[papers rustle]

- Shep?

- Hmm?

- Go on into town, tell Sheriff Hall we need some

help finding these hikers.

See if you can rustle up some folks from Toughie's before

they get too far gone to be any use to us.

- [sighs] All right.

[door creaks open and closed]

- Yeah, hi, Falita?

Hey, it's Lu Ann over at the Ranger's Station.

[laughs] Yeah.

Listen, I need you to do me a favor.

Can you look up a Dr. Peter Shirtcliff for me?

I think maybe --

[noises from another room]

-- Falita, I'm going to need to call you back.

[creepy music]

[noise repeat]

[creepy music]

[creepy music]

[Lu Ann grunts]

[gunshots]

- You sick fuck.

Fuck you, motherfucker!

[screams] [gunshots]

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

[screams]

- [thud]

[creepy music]

[creepy music]

[gunshots]

[creepy music]

- Ahhhh [gasps, groans]

[gasping]

[creepy music]

♪ ♪

- [roar]

[door smashed]

- [gasps]

[screams]

[heavy fast breathing]

[birds chirping]

- Hey, Kendra.

- Hmm?

- Where do you think I should put this helmet up?

- Mm, over here.

- Yeah! Yeah.

Awesome!

Yeah!

I like that.

- This one could...

- Hey, ladies.

- Hi.

- Hey.

- Looks like you ladies have been working hard.

How about a break?

- Is that wine?

- No, babe.

It's a wine cooler.

See?

- Does-does that have alcohol in it?

- Uh, n-no.

I don't -- I don't think so.

I mean, anyhow, Jesus drank this stuff all the time.

- Where does it say that in the Bible?

- Uh, in Todd 3 colon 14...

as Jesus entereth the town of... Jesus Town, he-he said,

"Bring forth your Peach Breeze Ice and we shall drink it

as God has commanded us to."

- Okay. - Okay.

- All right!

[giggle]

[music "I Know What Them Girls Like"]

♪ I know what them girls like ♪

♪ They like to party. ♪

♪ Sipping coolers all night ♪

♪ She acting naughty ♪

♪ I don't see wrong, Sip it 'till it's gone ♪

♪ I know one thing left to show ♪

♪ I ain't trying to go home ♪

♪ Get back to the party, girl ♪

♪ I'm in my own zone. ♪

♪ Up on that brown drink ♪

♪ I'm about to do some ho ♪

♪ I'm off the chain, bro ♪

♪ Call me the big dog ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Put yo hands up, girl ♪

♪ Put yo hands up ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Put yo hands up, girl ♪

♪ Put yo hands up ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Put yo hands up, girl ♪

♪ Put yo hands up ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Tryin to have fun ♪

♪ Put yo man up ♪

♪ Look at my swag ♪

♪ At the crib where he's staying 'cause tonight we got plans. ♪

♪ Oh, you trying to have fun ♪

♪ But we need to see hands. ♪

♪ And we going to turn this up ♪

- You ladies ready for the second coming?

- Yeah! Whoa!

[cheering, music]

♪ Put yo hands up, girl, Put yo hands up. ♪

♪ Girl, if you're trying to have fun, put yo man up. ♪

[wall smashes]

- [girls screaming]

[creepy music]

- Dude, what the --?

[screams] Come on, dude.

[smack, smack, smack]

[screams] Come on, dude.

[screams]

[smack smack smack smack]

[smack smack smack smack]

[smack smack smack smack]

- [creepy music]

- [creepy music]

- [screams] Help!

Courtney!

[screams] Courtney!

Help!

- I can't.

I can't!

I have to go!

- No!

- I can't.

I have to go get somebody to help us.

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

- [screams] Courtney!

[screams] Courtney!

[screams] Courtney!

[screams] Courtney!

Courtney!

[screams]

Ahhhhhh.

[music]

♪ ♪

[smack]

[music]

[blood pouring]

[music]

[footsteps]

[music]

♪ ♪

[heavy breathing]

[music]

[thud]

[heavy fast breathing]

[music]

♪ ♪

[thud]

[heavy breathing]

[smack]

[gurgling and gasping]

[smack smack smack smack]

[gurgling and gasping]

[smack]

[gurgling and gasping]

[smack]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- [Faith laughs] Hold still!

- [Jeff laughs]

- Ugh...

nasty.

- Excuse me.

Uh, who's in charge here?

I'm sorry to take you all off guard, as I have.

But you all need to leave the area immediately.

- Who are you again?

- I'm Dr. Peter, Peter Shirtcliff to you, pal.

All right?

I can assure you that this camp sits on the sinkhole of hell.

- Um, Dr. Shirtcliff, I'm going to kindly ask you

to leave or else I'm going to be calling the police.

- This box is nothing more than a big lie.

- What in the good Lord's name does JT Jeppson's Pancake Batter

have to do with anything?

- Well, in order for me to answer that question

we'd have to go back to the ill-omened year of 1892.

[sound of dripping blood]

It was a dreary afternoon when JT Jeppson,

the wayward ether-huffing heir to the Jeppson Cotton fortune,

was in Big Timber hunting wildcats.

Suddenly, his senses were ensnared

by the most enticing aroma.

Famished, he followed his nose to a small shack where

a reclusive lumberjack named Nehemiah Easterday was preparing

pancakes in honor of Shrovetide, it being the last Tuesday

before Lent.

[boiling liquid]

Easterday invited Jeppson to join him,

an invitation which he most happily accepted.

[splash]

He took a bite of the logger's cookery.

It was light, heavenly, ambrosial,

surely the greatest flapjacks ever devised by man.

[ding!]

[slot machine]

"Mr. Easterday," he said, "you must write down

"this recipe for me.

It will flood our pockets with three-penny pieces."

"I'm afraid I cannot," replied Easterday.

[bam]

"It is an old family recipe and I have avowed

to take it to the grave."

"Well, then," cried Jeppson, "to your grave you shall go."

And with that, he struck the logger across the head

and drowned him in his own syrup.

[bubbling]

After searching the shack he found the recipe,

secreted away in a stuffed ocelot.

[splash]

[ding]

Anyway, you all know the rest of the story.

JT Jeppson became the pancake king of Texas

and started funneling millions of dollars through the Nazis.

Eventually he died in the arms of a Mexican transvestite

in a brothel somewhere in Juarez or...

- You're a liar.

He didn't do any of that.

- [laughs] I only wish I was.

But it all happened, and there's a demon logger out there

and he's coming down here to take care of each

and every one of you if you don't listen to me now.

- How?

- Well, our-our-our story doesn't end there.

[thunder]

Years later, on a Shrove Tuesday such as this,

the lumberjack returned, dragging behind him

a hellish griddle stacked high with succulent

golden-brown pancakes.

All through the day, he stalked Big Timber, axe in hand

and vengeance in mind.

When the sun rose again, 67 lay dead.

Only one survived.

- Okay, okay, okay, Dr. Shirtcliff,

I think we've heard enough.

Reggie, show him to the door.

- His blood thirst still is not quenched.

You suit yourselves.

- Let's go.

- [Dr. Shirtcliff] Don't forget about the ocelot.

That's where he found the recipe.

- H-- F-Faith...

- In the ass of an ocelot.

[scuffling]

- You'll all end up in the asses of an ocelot.

- We do not say the word "ass".

- Unless we're talking about the donkey.

- And Jesus riding him.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

All right. All right. All right.

There's a demon logger out there.

And if he finishes his breakfast, he's going to

become more powerful than you could ever imagine.

And no force on earth is going to stop him.

He's coming for you.

- What poppycock!

- What a bunch of horse apples.

- Let-let's just put it behind us and have some pancakes.

- Yes.

[creepy music]

[shaky breathing]

[crying]

- Hey.

- Hi.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- What's going on?

- He couldn't have been telling the truth about all that,

could he?

- What? No.

No, that dude was a fuckin' nut job.

He wasn't like -- he wasn't making any sense, okay?

Seriously.

It looked like he was out of a mental institution.

[laughs]

- [laughs] Yeah. - Yeah.

- Yeah, you're right. - Yeah.

- And it doesn't matter. - Yeah.

- Just forget about it. - Yeah.

- You must think I'm a total whack job.

- No.

No, I think Jacqueline's a total whack job.

- [laughs]

- And Doug and...

I think pretty much everybody here is a total whack job

besides you.

In fact, I think you're kind of cool.

- Well, thank you.

[laughs]

- Wanna go eat some pancakes?

- Yeah, let's -- let's eat some damn pancakes.

[laughs]

- Exactly.

And then we could run away from everybody at camp,

just hang out.

- I think I'd like that.

- All right.

Cool.

- Hey, you coming?

- Yeah.

Yeah, I'm coming.

- Okay.

I'm not doing this alone.

- I know.

[car motor]

[creepy music]

- [gasping]

- Have you seen him?

- [gasping]

- I guess you have.

[Unintelligible] It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

What? What?

- [gasping] Syrup.

Syrup.

♪ ♪

- Get in there.

Syrup?

[drives off]

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, L-Lu Ann?

Where you going?

Well, hey, try to remember some eggs if you're going.

Well, ah...

Wh- no --

Whaaaaat --

is that pan --

is that pancakes?

[laughs]

It's pancakes.

Oh, my God!

[laughs]

[bam bam bam bam] [screams]

- [mouthing] Thank you, Lord.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- All right, everybody, listen up one second,

y'all, one second.

All right.

I hope the food looks good.

Uh, I just wanted to make a quick announcement.

I could not find the syrup anywhere.

I'm real sorry, but I [groans at tables] --

yeah, I know.

I kn-- I know.

I know.

But, hey, look, you got some sausage, biscuits,

you got some eggs, you got some bacon,

you got all kinds of stuff, no syrup required.

So I'm sure you'll all enjoy it just fine.

So I'm going to get out here.

Y'all enjoy yourselves.

Take care.

- Jacqueline, why don't you lead us in a prayer?

- Oh, I-I'd love to.

Dear Lord Jesus, we thank you for this bountiful

Shrove Tuesday feast in which our larders will be

empty of all but the bare necessities so that we

may cleanse our souls before the fasting of Lent.

And we think you, dear Lord, and ask you to watch over us

as we celebrate this Shrove Tide with the traditional giving of

pickled eggs to the children and with pancake races

and football and mass-skipping and cock-ringing and --

- Um, Jacqueline, this is all very, very good

but let's wrap things up, okay?

- Oh, all right.

And-and we know, Lord, that you will watch over us whether we

be beheaded with an axe or tied to two poles and set on fire

or we have our intestines nailed to a tree and we are

chased around that tree with a flaming lance until

our intestines wrap all the way around that tree

and we are brutally beaten with that lance,

just like so many other followers of Christ.

- That's enough, Jacqueline.

- [clears throat]

And we know, dear Lord, that you will forgive us

of all of our sins, just like you'll forgive me for wanting

to lie with Doug and defile myself as a shameless harlot.

- [clears throat]

- Amen.

- Wait.

You wanna bang Doug?

- I don't even wanna bang Doug.

- Has anyone seen Ernie or Trevor or Danielle?

It's not like Ernie to miss a meal.

I wonder where he could be.

- No, never.

- There seem to be quite a few kids that aren't here.

Oh, well, let's have pancakes.

- Mm.

[cafeteria chatter]

- Would you like a pancake?

- Yes.

- Ta da.

This one's [indistinct mumble].

- [laughs]

[cafeteria chatter]

- You know, I cannot wait for that bus to just roll up

tomorrow and those kids come bounding off.

Oh, it's so magical.

- God has a plan.

- He does.

And it starts here at Good Friends Church Camp.

- It starts with us.

- It starts with us.

Oh...

[cries]

- What's wrong, Doug?

You're not having impure thoughts about that girl

Jacqueline, are you?

- [whimpering]

- [screams]

- [both scream]

- [blast]

- Oh, yeah, y'all, got another vat of some delicious pa--

[creepy music]

- Jesus Fucking Christ.

- [whoosh]

- [screams]

[screams and music]

[screams and music]

- I'm so fucking high right now.

[axe swoosh]

[moaning]

[axe swoosh]

[screaming]

[axe swoosh]

♪ ♪

- Ahhhhhhhhhh.

♪ ♪

- Doug, we gotta get out there.

We gotta -- we gotta do something.

We've got to help those kids.

- Are you frappin' crazy?

No one's going through that door.

- [music and screaming]

- [screams] Waaaahhhhh!

[axe swoosh]

- So what, you're just going to let them die out there?

- Listen here, missy.

You're not in charge.

I am in charge.

Doug is in charge and that door's not opening for anyone,

not even Jesus Christ himself.

- [kids screaming]

[power buzzes and flickers off]

- [grunts] This is bullshit.

Get out of my way before I break my foot off

in your little white ass.

- I'll use it.

I'll use it.

- I'd shave you like a bag, man, like a bag, man.

Don't make me do it.

No one's going through that door.

- [kids screaming]

- Doug!

Doug!

Doug!

[screaming, knocking on door] Please let me in!

Doug!

Doug!

Save me!

Doug!

[thud]

[blood squishing]

[gurgling]

- Hey!

You were my last fuck!

[screaming]

[squish]

- [screaming]

[thud]

- [screaming]

[thud]

[knife whooshing through air]

[screaming]

[loud bangs]

- I'm like a badger.

Shit.

[loud bangs]

- Let's go!

[loud bangs]

[slam]

[fire alarm ringing]

[fire alarm ringing]

- [grunting]

[fire alarm ringing]

- Guys!

Guys, he's coming!

He's almost here!

Guys, come on!

- Uh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

- Come on!

- Okay.

- He's coming!

- One, two, three...

[grunting]

- I got it.

I got it.

Go! Go! Go!

I can get it!

I got this!

- Won't leave you!

- Go!

Go!

- Come on!

What are you doing?

Come on!

No. Come on!

Just let it go!

- Just go ahead and g--

[squish]

[music and fire alarms]

[garage door closing]

[slams shut]

- Ain't nothing we can do for him now, baby.

Come on, let's go.

We got to go.

Faith, come on!

[suspenseful music]

- What's that?

- It's Stacy.

Stacy!

- Stacy!

- Stacy, come on!

- Stacy, we gotta go, girl!

Come on!

- Wait, Reggie, why isn't she moving?

Reggie, why isn't she moving?

- Stacy...

Stacy, we gotta go.

Stacy, we gotta go.

Come on.

[squishy sounds]

Shit!

[thud]

Let's go.

♪ ♪

[footsteps]

[footsteps]

[footsteps getting closer]

[footsteps]

[steel rattles]

[footsteps]

- [screaming]

- Hey, hey, shut up the both of ya's.

What are you, crazy?

He's still out there.

He's looking for you both, so just keep it quiet.

- Oh, thank God it's you.

- There ain't no God around here, young lady.

- Hey, man, we gotta get out of here, okay?

- Well, well, we can't go.

Uh, not yet.

- [coughs] You just gave us that whole damn speech about

how we gotta get out of here if we want to stay alive.

And now you're telling us we gotta stay?

- That demon logger has been out there targeting

the innocent for centuries,

setting before him his breakfast of ghastly vengeance.

We, together, can put an end to it now and forever --

because, you see, I, Dr. Peter Shirtcliff, that is,

have discovered his frailty.

- What is it?

- You see before you...

[laughs]...

sorry.

You see what is before you is the sword that will

slay the beast.

- Syrup?

- Ordinary, everyday maple syrup,

which is what killed him in the first place.

- Are you serious?

We're going after that big Paul Bunyan motherfucker with that?

- That's right.

- Okay.

Let's do it.

- Um, yeah, let's go.

- The hell we will!

- [laughs] Let's go.

- Hey!

Hey.

What the fuck are you doing, making all this goddamn noise?

I'm trying to hide over there like the goddamn Maccabees

and all I hear is you guys holding your dicks with all

this tomfoolery and nonsense being spouted out.

He's going to find us here and you're going to die.

I'm not going to die.

You're going to die.

He's going to tear you in a bunch of fucking pieces,

but not me!

[running footsteps]

- Doug, wait!

D--

[music]

- [Doug laughing]

[swoosh]

[spurts and footsteps]

- [thud]

♪ ♪

- Faith, you ain't going out there with no

little bitty packet of syrup.

That boy'll tear you apart!

- Listen. Listen. Listen.

There's no time to argue.

As soon as he finishes his last mouthful

of blood-soaked flapjacks, it'll be too late.

- [creepy music]

- [creepy music]

- [loud roar]

- Get ready.

We gotta go.

[laughs] We gotta go now.

[laughs]

- Girl!

- Let's do this!

- Faith!

Faith!

- What is that damn thing?

- I don't know, man.

Hey, let's just fucking ridi--

why-why don't we just take your car?

- Yeah.

Well, you know, I got someone in there

'cause I'm helping someone.

And they're-they're in there and they-they --

there's not enough room.

- What are y--?

- Really.

- It's small.

- Well, it's a smart car.

- It's-it's -- what was that?

- Huh?

- Are you fucking serious, man?

Just -- oh...

- What did I say?

- I thought you said it was a smart car.

- Why do they call them that?

- Them little -- yeah, yeah, the little...

- I don't know why they call them that.

It's so weird.

- I ain't got a fucking clue, dude.

And why did you buy it in the first place, mother--?

Oooh...

- Yeah, you know, what ever happened to the good old

American muscle car?

- Fucking ridiculous.

- You know, a good old American iron steel?

- All right. That's cool, brother.

- Well -- yeah, okay.

[music and footsteps]

[music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- Oh!

- Sorry.

- [gulps] Hey -- wait, where's Dr. Shirtcliff?

- He said something about having to get something

out of his car.

I don't know.

Who knows?

- We're on our own, then.

- Yup.

- You, uh -- do you want to do this?

- Might as well.

- [whispers] Come on.

[creepy music]

♪ ♪

- He ate all the pancakes.

[creepy music]

♪ ♪

- Trade me.

♪ ♪

- Fuck!

Shit.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Gimme that.

Come on.

[music]

- [screams]

[choking]

- Reggie, no!

- [music]

- Shit.

Reggie, Reggie, Reggie, come on.

[slapping] Come on.

Come on. We gotta go.

Really gotta go, buddy.

Come on.

Reggie...

- Guys!

Guys, I did it!

I made it!

I'm here to help.

♪ ♪

Oh, shit.

[gurgling] [scream]

♪ ♪

- Okay. Okay.

Come on.

We just saw that...

- Syrup, syrup.

Get the syrup.

- Oh. Oh.

G-- I got it.

It's right here.

[whoosh]

[scream]

[crying]

[footsteps]

[crying]

- Nehemiah Easterday!

[laughs]

All's well.

[shotgun blast]

[reload click]

[shotgun blast]

[reload click]

[shotgun blast]

[reload, blast]

[shotgun blast]

[reload, blast]

Okay.

Why didn't you do what you were supposed to do?

- Well, the syrup didn't work.

I'm sorry.

- [laughs] Ooh, I guess not.

I had to shoot him.

It would have if you would have done what I told you to do.

I thought you were going to do the syrup and...

you made me hate myself.

- I just think you have a lot of problems.

- Let's go.

- [crickets chirping]

- Oh, gotcha.

Okay.

[rumbling]

[music]

[music]

[footsteps]

- Shit.

[footsteps]

Okay.

All right.

Come on. Come on.

Give me the syrup.

Come on.

Come on.

All right.

Okay.

All right.

Heh.

[clears throat]

Come on, big man.

See, lumberjack man?

And that's your name, you know?

That's what they call you.

Of course, you didn't know that, did you?

Goddamn it.

If I can get this...

oh, fuck...

heh heh heh.

Hold on a second here.

This fucking thing...

[goddamn] it.

Boooo!

[laughs] Okay, buddy.

You're going to get it now.

You wanna fool around, huh?

Okay, man.

I hate to do this to you, but okay.

[smack smack smack]

[smack smack]

- [laughs] Okay.

I'm just warming up, you know.

[laughs] You're all cool with the axe and everything.

Hah.

Okay.

[yells] Whew.

Whoo!

[laughs] Oh, shit.

- [music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- Faith, what are you doing?

J-j-just run!

- It's empty!

- Come on, gun, work with me.

[choking]

♪ ♪

The missing syrup -- guys, I found it!

I found the syrup!

- Thank God.

You've got to take your clothes off.

- What?

- G-- strip down naked.

Get your clothes off and douse yourself in the syrup.

- But why?

What'll that do?

What's the point?

- It's the cotton.

It's the death fabric.

- [Faith] It's the death fabric.

- Yeah...

it-it-it absorbs the-the syrup and... just get naked!

In the name of God, do it!

- Can I at least leave my underwear on?

[footsteps]

- Hey, asshole!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

It's me you want, not them.

You sense it, don't you?

Yeah.

I'm the great-great- granddaughter of JT Jeppson.

My family made a fortune off your pancake recipe,

all because of your total lack of business sense --

you ignorant, backwoods -- [screams]

- [roar]

[music]

- [yells] Yeah.

[grunting]

- Take that asshole.

[music]

- [grunting]

- [gasps]

[music]

- [gasps]

[music]

- [grunting]

[gurgling]

- [breaths in heavily]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- Hey, doc...

- [laughs] Hey!

- Hey! Hey!

[laughs]

- Yeah.

- [Reggie] Yeah.

- You know --

went swimming.

- [Dr. Shirtcliff] [laughs]

- So, uh, camp closed?

- Yep.

- [laughs]

- But it'll open again someday...

thanks to you.

- And when it does, it'll be a place where women and children

can dance and laugh and play in the sunshine,

rather than in the shadow of a monster.

- [all laugh]

[noises in cabin]

- [laughs] All is not well.

- Are you fucking kidding me?

- Let's go.

Ooh...

[Kaboom!]

[fire crackles]

♪ ♪

[truck rattles]

- What the hell happened to y'all guys?

- Church camp.

- Should have figured.

Hop in back.

I'll give you a ride.

- Can you get that door?

What's my name again?

- Shirtdick.

- [laughs]

- I'm sorry I doubted you.

- I'm sorry too.

- Hey, how you doin'?

- Go fuck yourself.

- Hey, you guys hungry?

I know a good pancake place up the road.

- You don't know what pancakes is.

- Thank you.

[music]

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪