Original subtitles

LEE: What's that about? Tell me.

Because, you know, at the end of the day, you can say something

and then it doesn't mean that you can't ever change your mind.

It's not me that's changing my mind, it's you that's changing your mind.

-You always do. -Fine! But what's wrong with that?

GARETH: Yeah, I feel sorry for Dawn and Lee.

If they have to call off the wedding

then, sure, it'll be upsetting now,

but in the end, it's for the best.

The thing about long-term marriage

is that inevitably, the sex suffers.

You constantly have to find new and erotic ways

of spicing things up in the bedroom.

It's a gift and a training.

And I mean, you can either...

It's like I was already good at it before I was trained in it,

and now I'm trained in it I'm better than the people who were just trained...

DAVID: Today's our staff training.

I do a couple a year.

This is Rowan, our facilitator for the day.

It's good to get in an outsider now and again.

It helps to keep them sort of interested, you know.

And it's what I trained in. I have an MBA from Bradford.

I'm trained in it as well. I could have done this myself.

But let me tell you what today is all about.

-I can do that. -Well, it's my...thing.

It's about customer care, really.

Investment in people, i.e. the staff.

Letting them know that they are our most important commodity.

And if they've got a problem, it's my problem.

Uh...

It's like if you're cleaning a floor and you're up against it,

then come to me and I'll help us clean our floor together.

So...

Not literally.

See you in there.

I'm really sorry.

Things will be okay between you and Lee, you know,

because you and Lee are going to be together and he knows that,

and if he doesn't appreciate that, then he's mad.

And if he... I tell you, if he doesn't appreciate it, I'll marry you. You know?

(IN MONOTONE) Hello. You're through to Keith.

I will be at training all day today.

Please call me or leave a message and I will call you tomorrow.

-You're so lovely. -No, I'm not lovely.

-You are. -No, you are.

-I'm snotty. -You're snotty and lovely.

I'd marry your snot.

-All right? -All right, mate?

-What's going on? -Nothing, it's fine.

You're upset. About Lee, is it?

Hey, don't worry, all right?

'Cause you know Monkey Alan down in the warehouse?

He fancies you even if no one else does. So...

(SNIFFS)

What was that?

Just can't say anything when they're like that, can you?

No. No, you can't. You can't. I was doing okay.

What were you doing with the Monkey Alan business?

Well, he fancies her. I'm just saying.

She didn't need to know that, mate. It's Monkey Alan. Even the name...

I don't know who Monkey Alan is, I'm betting that Monkey Alan...

-He's a little bloke. -I don't need to know.

Go away, please.

Go over there.

My name's Rowan.

And I'm going to be leading us through today's sessions.

Under me. Go on.

Well, as David says, actually has briefed me, says that

a lot of what we're covering I think you'll be familiar with.

But it's not necessarily a bad idea to recap anyway,

and I hope that a few new ideas will be thrown into the pan as well.

We're going to start by watching a video, so a nice and gentle start.

It's a bit cheesy and a bit '80s,

but I think a lot of the ideas are still pretty valid. Okay?

A good idea is a good idea forever.

Yeah. Okay.

Philosophy.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi.

What's the single most important thing to your business?

-Staff. -That's right. The customer.

Mmm. Come at it from a different angle.

These are your profits for this year.

And this is what you're doing to those profits

if you underestimate the value of customer care.

That's not real money.

-Do you know why? -TIM: 'Cause he'd be mad to burn it.

No. 'Cause it's illegal to destroy or burn anything

containing the Queen's image of the realm...

-Can we just watch the video? -...on it. Yeah. That's true.

Statistics show that if you're treated well as a customer,

you'll tell five people.

If you're treated badly, you'll tell nine.

-So can you set fire to a postage stamp? -No.

In fact, a postage stamp is legal tender.

A bus driver would have to accept that as currency.

-Yeah, that'd happen. -Well, if he doesn't, report him.

Yeah, I'll report him when I'm walking home.

You can get a taxi if you've got enough stamps.

-Or cash them in at a post office. -Shouldn't have to.

Shouldn't have to.

Here's a typical office.

Yeah? Yeah. Awful, isn't it?

Oh, yeah? Oh, really? You know, I said to him...

Excuse me. I am in a hurry.

I'm on the phone. God, aren't some people rude?

I must tell you about George. It all started about a year ago...

Well done. That customer won't be bothering you again.

Ever.

Let's see what should have happened.

Yeah? Yeah. Awful, isn't it?

Oh, yeah? Oh, really? You know and I said to him...

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I'll be with you in one moment.

Sorry, Jean. I'm going to have to go. I have a customer.

I'll call you back at a more convenient time.

All she had to do was acknowledge the customer's presence

and end her personal call as quickly as possible.

This is what we call the Customer Care Tree.

So, your prescription will be ready on Friday, madam.

Fine. See you Tuesday.

So if you've put together a crack team,

don't let your business get taken hostage by complacency.

Make your motto "Who cares wins".

Hey, I know you. Can I have your autograph?

Of course you can.

Thank you, Mr Noakes.

Very good. Very good.

Okay, then. Right. That's that. What are we going to...

-John Noakes. -Yeah.

They worked together on Blue Peter. That's what the reference was.

-Can I...? -She was short-sighted.

Okay. Right. Well, you've all seen the video.

Now it's time for the dreaded role play.

We'll kick off with your leader, David Brent.

David, if you'd like to come up here. Quick round of applause for David.

-(WEAK APPLAUSE) -No, no, no.

I'm cheating, really. I have done this before.

Oh, good. That should make it a lot easier for us.

-Okay, nice and simple to start with. -Hard as you like.

Well, let's just kick off with something nice and easy, okay?

I want us to play out a scenario that highlights customer care.

-Okay. -All of you have to deal with people...

-All the time. -...and it's always possible

-to improve your people skills. -Yeah.

Right. In this scenario, we'll start with something nice and easy.

I'm going to play... And this will be the wrong way to do it.

I'm gonna play a very bad hotel manager who just doesn't care.

Sorry, if it's a Basil Fawlty-type character,

they'll tell you, maybe I should do it, just for the comedy.

Yeah, well, let me just play it now just to kick things off, okay?

I'll probably bring something to this role anyway, so...

Right. You've got a complaint.

You come and complain and I'll show you the wrong way to handle it.

This will be the wrong way. Right? So, off we go.

-Sorry. What's the complaint? -Just make it up.

Anything. Because there's no right or wrong thing in this scenario.

Then we'll tell you the right thing afterwards, so...

-You complain. -Right.

Okay. Okay.

-I'd like to make a complaint, please. -I don't care.

Well, I am staying in the hotel...

I don't care. It's not my shift.

Well, you're an ambassador for the hotel.

-I don't care. -I think you'll care when I tell you

what the complaint is. I think there's been a rape up there!

I've got his attention. Get their attention. Okay?

-Right. So some interesting points. -Very interesting points.

It's not quite the point I was trying to make.

Different points to be made.

-I'm more interested in customer care. -So am I.

-And the way that we would deal with... -I fazed you.

Maybe, as I thought, I should play the hotel manager 'cause I'm used to that.

I fazed you. But you have a go, see if you can faze me. Okay?

Yeah. Right. Okay. Um...

-Hello. I wish to make a complaint. -Not interested.

-My room is an absolute disgrace. -Don't care.

The bathroom doesn't appear to have been cleaned and...

What room are you in?

-362. -There is no 362 in this hotel.

Sometimes the complaints will be false.

Okay? Good.

Today is really about all of you getting to know and trust each other.

So, before the next exercise,

what I want us to do is just spend a few minutes...

(KNOCKING)

Sorry. Can I have a quick word with Dawn?

Dawn?

What I want us to do is for everyone to tell me their name

and their ultimate dream, their ultimate fantasy in life.

I'll kick things off. My name's Rowan,

and my dream is that I would love to have my own island.

David.

It depends what you mean by ultimate fantasy

because time travel's actually impossible,

so there'd be no point in wasting...

Just interpret it any way you like.

Well, if you're talking about anything that could

or could not be possible, actually,

anything that could be conceived of to happen or not

within my realm, you know,

then probably some sort of everlasting life.

I don't mean it in sort of just a spiritual or religious sense,

but I mean actually to experience the future

and live, you know, on and on

and on, you know, know what it's like to live forever.

I think I'm starting to know what that's like.

-No, I'm saying... -No, hang on.

-You always have your say. -No, I don't always have my say.

When do I have my say?

I've been engaged to Lee for, um,

God, about three years.

He proposed on a Valentine's Day.

Although he didn't do it face to face,

he did it in one of the little Valentine's message bits in the paper.

Um...

I think he had to pay for it by the word because it just said,

"Lee love Dawn. Marriage?"

Which, you know, I like,

'cause it's not often you get something that's both romantic and thrifty.

And don't phone my mum again!

-ROWAN: Uh, Dawn, do you want...? -Don't.

Okay.

Um...

Gareth, a quick trust exercise. Ultimate fantasy?

-Hmm? -We're just doing the ultimate fantasy.

We're all doing it.

Two lesbians, probably. Sisters. I'm just watching.

Okay. Um...

Tim? Do you have one?

I never thought I'd say this, but can I hear more from Gareth, please?

Okay. Well, this next exercise is all about

motivation.

And that's going to be a key word today, motivation.

So... Keith?

What would you say was your motivation for working here?

-Being part of a team, I'd have thought. -Just let him answer.

No, I'm saying. Probably what he'll say if you ask him.

Well, I am asking him and I'd really like him to answer.

-Do you want to answer him? -Thanks.

-This job's just a stop-gap, really. -Wow.

The job's not difficult. I don't take my work home with me.

-It's pretty brainless. -Well, at your level, maybe.

But ultimately, I want to play music, write music and play in a band.

Good luck! Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. Next!

-Okay, Keith... -DAWN: You were in a band?

-Like a rock band? -Yeah.

-What were you called? -Foregone Conclusion.

Look, David, I'm not absolutely sure this is really the right time...

-Well, I've got to field the questions. -TIM: David.

-What did you do in the group? -Singer-songwriter.

Lyrics man, mainly, but you know, the music came easy as well, so...

Okay. Right. So, are there any more questions for David?

-No? Good. -You didn't give them a chance.

-Did you want to say something? -Were you successful?

Were we successful? I'll let you be the judge of that

when I tell you that we were once supported

by a little-known Scottish outfit called Texas.

Yeah, and I get all this, "Oh, David, you're a brilliant singer-songwriter.

"You're stuck in Slough while it's Texas that are off making all the money.

"And they're rubbish compared to you."

And I go, "Don't slag them off."

I say, "I've been there, I've done that. That's behind me."

And I respect...

The thing is, we're both good in our own fields.

I'm sure Texas couldn't run and manage a successful paper merchant's.

I couldn't do what...

Actually, I could do what they do,

and I think they knew that even back then.

Probably what spurred them on.

(SOFT GUITAR STRUMMING)

DAVID: I wrote this. I only play songs I've written myself.

He went home to get it.

# A spaceman came down to answer some things

# The world gathered round from paupers to kings

# I'll answer your questions I'll answer them true

# I'll show you the way You know what to do

# Who is wrong and who is right?

# Yellow, brown, black or white

# The spaceman he answered, you no longer mind

# I've opened your eyes, you're now colour-blind...

Racial. So...

# She's the serpent who guards the gates of Hell #

Good stuff.

# Pretty girl on the hood of a Cadillac, yeah

# She's broken down on Freeway 9

# Take a look Get her engine started, yeah

# Gave a purr and then I rolled on by, bye bye

# Free love on the free love freeway

-Everybody. -# Love is free and the freeway's long

# I've got some hot love on the hot love highway

# Ain't going home 'cause my baby's gone

# She's dead

She's not dead.

# Long time later see a cowboy crying

# I said, hey, buddy what can I do?

# He says, I lived a good life Had about a thousand women

# I said, why the tears?

# He says, 'cause none of them was you #

-What, you? -No. He's looking at a photograph.

-Of you? -No. Of his girlfriend.

-The video would have shown that. -Sorry.

-He sounds a bit gay at the moment. -He's not gay.

# Free love on the free love freeway

# The love is free and the freeway's long

# I got some hot love on the hot love highway

(GARETH HARMONISING)

# Going home 'cause my baby's gone, she's gone

# Free love on the free love freeway

# The love is free and the freeway's long

# I got some hot love on the hot love highway

# Going home 'cause my baby's gone, she's gone, yeah

# My baby's gone She's gone, yeah

# Gone away, she's gone She's gone, yeah

# She's just gone away

# She's gone #

(APPLAUSE)

MAN: That's brilliant, man. Really is.

I'm trying to think of what other ones we used to do.

-Right. That's lunch. -Okay.

What in the name of jumping Jehoshaphat was that song about?

I mean, what was that about, then?

What's he doing? What's Warren doing telling people to say please?

If they don't know, I'm sorry, you don't deserve a job. After you.

Thank you.

-You all right, then? -Yes, thank you.

Good.

You okay?

Forget all about him, he's not worth it.

I go through this sort of thing all the time.

Although it's usually me who dumps them.

He didn't... No one dumped anyone. It was just an argument.

You should come out with me. I'll find you a new bloke.

It was just an argument.

Well, I'm just saying.

Thanks. That's nice.

You okay?

-Yeah. -Sit down.

Now, I don't want to pry,

but I mean, I am aware of your personal problem,

and I wouldn't be the boss or the man that I am

if I didn't lend, you know, some words of encouragement.

(STRUMMING GUITAR) So...

This is something I wrote. I hope it helps.

# Rose, you never used your thorns

# The ones you loved abandoned you

# Your angel face made hearts so warm

# You helped the sick but who helped you?

# Then rushing through the Paris night

# They hounded you, you lost control

# We prayed that you would be all right

# The news came through, your body cold

# Goodnight, my sweet princess

# Good night, my sweet... #

Was that originally about Princess Diana?

Originally. But it fits perfectly, doesn't it?

Not the car crash bit.

Well...

Your relationship with Lee is a bit like a car crash.

In Paris?

City of love.

You're right. It fits perfectly. Thank you.

# Every breath you take

# Every move you make, yeah... #

-Being dumped is the perfect excuse... -I wasn't dumped.

-...to do all the things you want to do. -I wasn't dumped.

And actually, I have been thinking of leaving.

Oh, I meant shagging...

How long have you been thinking of leaving?

-Who's leaving? -I am.

Well, that's just stupid. You've got a job here for life.

Yeah. Actually, I don't want to spend my life answering phones

in some crappy sub-branch paper merchant's.

Dawn, work hard, you could be answering those phones in Head Office

or a better paper merchant's.

Gareth, she doesn't want to waste her life in paper.

Not a waste, actually, not a waste.

Look at Geoff Lamp.

42 years old, he's got his own Porsche. That's from paper.

How long you been thinking about leaving?

And are you going to lay down any of those tracks?

Well, I've got a lot of 'em on demo anyway from the band days,

but, you know, they're about 10 years old, so if I wanted to send them out

I'd have to pretty much lay down some drum and bass shit on them.

Like sample and shit.

And if you take the band back on the road,

are you going to need any help with that?

-Look, I'm sorry to... -Hold on, man. What are you saying?

You know, are you going to need a manager?

Well, I'll probably manage myself, you know, 'cause...

I could be your assistant manager.

You could be assistant to the manager. Hold on, man. Shoot.

Yeah, it's just we've got a lot to get through and no one's back.

Yeah, I'm hearing you. Do you want to go in,

get them over here 'cause Rowan wants to crack on with this.

-Do you want me to discipline them? -Nah,

just get them over here. Done.

Imagine him in a band. Bald old git.

The glasses would be stupid, so...

What's the vibe in the second half?

'Cause...

Yeah. Not always for this company. I've worked for various... Hi.

-Hi. -Various companies over the years.

How did you get into doing this, then? How did you start?

Doing what I do? There are lots of ways, really.

Are you thinking of doing it?

I wouldn't mind, actually. It looks like it is quite good fun.

-Does it? -Yeah. It looks quite interesting.

Right. This next exercise is all about forward planning

and teamwork.

I'm going to need to put you into pairs for this.

So, um... Well, Gareth, if you can go with Tim.

Oh, God!

Yeah, all right, smart arse.

I wouldn't want to be stuck with you in a situation, either.

A situation? What...?

Who would you rather be with on a desert island, then, Gareth,

with some whittling wood and berries?

Daley Thompson.

Okay. Let me give you the problem.

A farmer, not pictured,

has a chicken, a bag of grain and a fox,

and he needs to get them from one side of the river to the other.

But, and here's the rub,

his boat is only big enough to take one item at a time.

So I want you to work out in what order he takes them across the river.

-Remember... -Five minutes, okay?

He can't take the fox first because then the chicken will eat the seed.

You all right?

Okay. He can't take the grain first

because he can't leave the fox and the chicken together.

The fox and the chicken together? Bloodbath.

Yeah, I know. He can't leave the chicken with the grain.

Er, hello? I'm a chicken. Thank you, Tim for leaving me with my favourite food.

I was saying, Gareth, you can't do that. All right?

How big is this chicken? Is it the same size as a bag of grain?

-I don't know. Big chicken. -Yeah. How big?

-Big. It's a super-chicken. -Hmm.

What's the farmer doing with a fox?

A fox is a farmer's worst enemy. He should drown the fox in the river.

Gareth, it's a puzzle. It's just a puzzle.

Yeah, well, it's stupid. It doesn't mean anything.

What are we learning from this?

It's not about learning, it's just a problem to be solved.

-Put the grain on a wall. -There's not a wall.

-There's always walls. -Not here, there isn't.

What, there's just nothing? There's just a farm and a river?

-Get his wife to help. -He ain't got a wife.

-All farmers have wives. -Not this one, he's gay.

Well, then he shouldn't be allowed near animals, should he?

Then take the grain next.

-Then the grain. -Yeah.

He's got to take the chicken first

so he can leave the fox with the grain.

-Shall I tell them? -That's okay, I'll do it.

-They're more receptive to me. -It's straightforward. Right, everybody.

Here's the answer.

First he takes the chicken across, leaving the fox with the grain.

-Fine. -Then he comes back

and takes the fox across, but he brings the chicken back with him.

Then he takes the grain across, leaves it with the fox,

and finally he comes back for the chicken. And he's done it.

-Now, I'm sure you all got the answer... -Easy.

Yeah, but you see, the important thing here

is that you were all working as a team.

Sorry. Gareth?

Yeah. Some questions.

I hope that what that exercise demonstrated was that it's vital

-that every member of a team... -Follows a leader.

Well, knows their place within that structure.

-Some may be leaders... -He knows best, or she.

Whoever's in charge

-may be the person. -In a team of women, for example.

It may be women or men, of course,

but that somebody may be scoring the goals...

DAVID: Can't stress that enough.

ROWAN: No, of course. Absolutely.

But it doesn't matter whether... You may not be the person

ROWAN: who apparently... DAVID: Unconditional trust,

is returned in leadership.

It's important that you know your place and that you are supported by...

-Maybe we should just move on... -Move on.

-...at this stage to another exercise. -Okay.

What about this one?

What do we think might be the lesson here?

Dogs?

Say what you see, Gareth.

-Give a dog a bone. -He's not Roy Walker, Gareth.

All right, then, what is it?

If we pull together in the same direction, it's better for all of us.

Yeah, they could be fighting over them bones.

They're not fighting, they're smiling.

In the picture, maybe, but in reality...

Look, the point here is that if the team is focused on its objectives

and those of the individual members,

then it's easier for everyone to achieve their goals.

It's like the fable. You know the one where the dog's got a bone

and he goes down to the lake to get a drink and he sees his reflection.

And he goes, "That dog's got a better bone than mine.

"I think I'll have his as well."

And when he opens his mouth to get the bone that's a reflection,

he drops the real bone and he loses both.

And what's that got to do with this?

It's what Gareth was saying about if we've got our bones,

don't go for other people's bones, fight over them, because you'll lose your own.

What does that mean?

Ooh, don't you know? I thought it was...

Bones.

-I'm bored of this. I am so bored. -Yeah. So am I.

No, sorry, I don't mean this. I mean everything.

The job. I'm bored of the job. Sorry, Rowan, no disrespect.

TIM: This is a waste of time. ROWAN: I know how you feel.

MAN: Let's get on with this. Nearly finished now.

I can't take any more of this nonsense. I can't take another boring call

about Spa White index board at 230 a tonne, so...

-260. -No, you're a twat, okay? Shut up.

Shut up. I'll give you my... We'll work out my notice.

-Right now, I'm going. Goodbye. -Tim, oh...

He'll be fine.

A waste of time. It was all a waste of time.

Oh, see? Pressure.

Not as easy as it looks.

Sometimes the experience outweighs the...

Sorry, David. Dawn. I was just wondering,

now you've split up with Lee, would you like to come out for a drink with me?

Um...

I haven't split up with him.

No, I know. I meant as a friend. I did mean as a friend.

Okay. See you later. Yeah.

Go and get the guitar.

DAVID: Ooh.

I'll probably write a song about this one day.

(STRUMMING GUITAR)

DAVID: # So what becomes of you, my love, whoa

# When they have finally stripped you of

# The handbags and the gladrags

# That your granddad had to sweat so you could buy, yeah #

We used to have a political reggae one called Equality Street. So...

DAVID: Okay.