Original subtitles

(Gentle music)

(Upbeat music)

(Men shouting)

(Bodies thudding)

- [Referee] That's in touch, and that's full time.

(Whistle blows)

- [Man] Better luck next time, buddy.

(Men cheering)

(Player laughing)

(Players applauding)

- [Captain] Three cheers for the south London stags.

Hip hip... [players] Hooray.

- [Captain] Hip hip. - [Players] Hooray.

- Good game, boys.

- [Stuart] Chin up, boys.

That was a great game.

Yeah, it was close, so I don't want you worrying

about the score line.

Those fat, straight old blokes,

they've been playing a lot longer than you have.

But, as first games go, it was really fucking great.

You were aggressive, you supported each other,

and you held your own against a much more experienced side.

It's a great start to the season, and you know what?

Come on.

I'm fucking excited.

Shower up, and lets go and have a few beers.

(Players grunt and applaud)

- Think he's paying?

(Men laugh)

(Somber music)

(Water splashing)

(Indistinct pub chatter)

- Eating for two, babe?

- I don't want to become a skinny bitch

like one of this lot.

Carbs!

- Ladies and gentlemen.

I'm going to jump straight in and say a big thank you

to our hosts, the Rochester boys, for the rugby lesson,

and most generous hospitality.

It's much appreciated.

(Crowd applauds and whoops)

I promise we'll return the favor at our place,

on both fronts, when the time comes.

Now, for man of the match, it was an easy choice

to set the tone for this season.

This man put in an incredibly tenacious

and creative performance,

and he might even have won it for us at the end there,

if he just looked inside.

No, but really, really great work,

and I can see that you're going to be

a big asset for us this season.

So, well done, Mark Newton.

(Crowd applauds)

And my first dick of the day award goes to the only man

I've ever known to tackle one of his own players.

- Ah fuck.

(Crowd cheers)

I hit my head

- [crowd] He is a stag lad, he is a stag lad,

he shouts it proudly, night and day, hey, hey.

He's never lonely when we are with him,

and he knows how to put a pint away, pint away, pint away,

pint away, pint away, pint away, pint away.

(Crowd cheers)

(Crowd jeers)

(Crowd cheers)

(Louder cheering)

(Wolf whistling and chanting)

(Traffic rumbling)

- [Henry] You didn't get any pictures today? Mark.

- Oh, yeah, no, I wasn't really in the mood after the game,

to be honest.

- Shame. That ref would have made a nice picture.

- [Neil] 0h, he was hot.

(Men laugh)

- [Henry] Shall I book us tickets for tomorrow?

What do you fancy seeing?

- Tomorrow? - [Henry] Yeah.

- Look, I can't. Ricky's coming over.

- Cumming? It's been a while, hasn't it?

Hasn't it healed over by now? Isn't there cobwebs?

- Yeah, and spiders. I bet there's spiders in there and all.

- Piss off.

- [Pinky] I don't know about you,

but I would kill my firstborn for a mojito.

- [Carlos] Firstborn what?

- [Henry] Cocktails at the clubhouse. You'll be lucky.

- Ugh

- yeah, I'll buy you a pint.

(Indistinct bar chatter)

- [Barry] Look, I agreed to your little project

to train up new players to eventually join

and benefit the a squad,

not to burn through our limited funds

with a whole other separate team,

and carting them off- - yeah, but just recruiting

experienced players isn't going to put us on the map.

- We're already on the map.

The a's win almost all their games.

For years, we fought tooth and nail to get the recognition

and respect that we now have as a serious club,

not some novelty act.

I won't go back to that.

- And having a b team that loses a few games

isn't going to change anything.

They just need a bit of time.

It was their first game of the season.

Please, Barry.

- Just be sure that you're not letting your pride

drag our name through the dirt.

- Cunts. Like they own the place.

- Deep breaths, pinky.

- I'm from the as. Watch us wave our big dicks about.

- Trust me, I've seen a few of them,

and they're not all worth writing home about.

- They're not all cunts, you know.

- Oh yeah? Is that why you dropped down to play with us?

- [Carlos] See, now there we go.

- [Neil] Cheers, boys.

- So, they won then?

- [Pinky] Of course they did.

You can smell the smugness in the air.

- [Carlos] Do they even like each other?

- [Jimmy] No. Not really.

- What's the fucking point, then?

- It's just a different mentality, isn't it?

That's why they keep winning, I guess.

(Intense dance music)

- You are such a size queen.

- [Pinky] She doesn't even care who it's attached to,

as it needs a whole tub of lube to fit

into that tight little arse of hers.

- Honey, at least I have an arse, okay?

I don't even know what you call that mound of sand

hanging off your back.

(Ahlaugh)

Now, you see that guy?

- What, the muscle daddy?

- [Carlos] Mhmm.

Saw him at the urinals earlier.

I checked out the goods. The homework is done.

Now, I just have to hand in my assignment,

if you know what I mean.

- I'm glad to see all those years in English school paid up,

I really am.

- Watch it, mate. - Sorry.

- [Carlos] Henry, Henry.

With me, alright?

(Henry retching)

- [Mark] Jesus.

Henry, how much have you had?

I, er...

Shall I get you some water, or something?

- [Henry] No, just leave. Please, go. Go.

(Cubicle door shuts)

(Indistinct chatter)

(Intense dance music)

- You're Mark Newton, right?

- Yeah, that's right.

- I've heard a lot of good things about you.

- Who from?

- [Warren] Man of the match today. Not bad.

- That?

- No, well done. I'm Warren.

- Are you in the a squad?

I mean, I saw you at the clubhouse earlier,

but I've not seen you round before.

- Yeah, I've been out for a while with an injury.

Fucked my leg, but I'm back and fit to play again now.

- Clearly.

- Do you want a drink?

- Sure.

- [Warren] Two shots of Tequila.

- [Mark] You serious?

- Puts hairs on your chest.

- Oh, is that something I want, is it?

- You tell me.

- I didn't realize you lot spoke to us lowly mortals.

- We make exceptions for certain people.

- Is that right? I'm honored.

- As you should be.

- [Mark] Yeah?

Well, you certainly live up to the stereotype.

- Devilishly handsome?

- Full of yourselves.

- I'm hurt.

- Really? I didn't realize you as bruised so easily.

That must make things a bit impractical, no?

- Do you even get bruised in the b team?

Doesn't that involve taking some hits first?

- You're a piece of work, you know that?

Enjoy the rest of your night.

Henry?

(Muffled music)

(Music intensifies)

- Fuck.

(Clothes rustling)

- Everything all right?

- You shouldn't have brought me here.

- Excuse me?

- [Warren] Where's my wallet?

- Why are you in such a rush?

Hey.

- Bye.

- [Mark] Oh, wow.

You really are living up to the a-squad-a-hole stereotype,

aren't you?

- I have a boyfriend.

(Mark scoffs)

- Well that might have been useful information last night,

don't you think?

- You never asked.

- [Mark] When was I supposed to do that?

Before or after you cornered me in a toilet

and stuck your tongue down my throat?

- He's a stag.

- Who?

- [Warren] John penrose. He's in my team-

- yeah, I know who he is.

- [Warren] Yeah, well he can't find out about this,

so don't fucking tell him or anyone, you hear me?

- [Mark] Relax, Jesus, I won't.

- [Warren] I'm serious.

- Yeah, I can see that.

- Look, I don't mean to be-

- just go, all right?

Go on.

(Gentle music)

(Door clicks)

(Door shuts)

- [Mark] Hey.

- Hey.

You eaten?

- [Mark] No, not really.

- You look rough.

- Thank you. I went outlast night.

- With your pretend rugby team?

- And how was your flight?

- [Richard] Did you bring one of them home?

- [Mark] Richard, do we really going to do this right now?

You've literally just walked in the door.

- [Richard] Well, you're going to love

what I've got to say next.

I've got to go away again in two days.

- You serious?

- [Richard] For a month. - [Mark] A month?

Are you joking?

- [Richard] Flight's booked on Tuesday.

I'm sorry.

(Gentle music)

(Birds chirping)

(Indistinct chatter)

- [Henry] Hey, where did you end up Saturday night?

You disappeared.

- Just home. I tried looking for you, but-

- [Henry] It's fine. I was just a bit smashed.

- [Gareth] I'll say. - That's one word for it.

What was his name again?

- What's this?

- [Gareth] You've got to hear this.

- [Henry] No, he doesn't, actually.

- [Gareth] So this one was stumbling about,

saying he was leaving, but before he goes,

he runs into the guy that Neil's been making out with

all night.

- [Mark] Oh Henry, no.

- [Gareth] Yeah. Sloppy seconds.

(Men laugh)

- Gareth really pisses me off.

- [Mark] That's just him. - Nobody actually cares.

-I do.

- Okay.

Was this guy really that bad?

- [Henry] No, mate. Worse. - It was not my finest moment.

(Mark laughs)

(Tense music)

(Whistle blows)

(Rapid footsteps)

- [Stuart] Jog back, jog back.

(Whistle blows)

- [Stuart] Right, excellent.

Keep it low, guys.

Good, smash, good.

That's it, good hit. That's it. Well done. Good.

Hit! Good hit. Good hit.

Try and keep driving through all the way.

Good, excellent. Good hit.

Okay, it's your mother in law. Give her a hit.

Good, good. That's it.

- [Barry] A squad, over with me, far pitch, please.

(Water splashing)

(Somber music)

(Indistinct pub chatter)

(Door clicks)

- Rich?

(Water splashes)

(Phone buzzes)

(Phone buzzes)

(Message sending sound)

(Phone buzzes)

(Message sending sound)

(Ping pong balls tapping)

(Knocking)

(Gentle music)

- Hey.

- I can stand here and smile at you all night, if you like.

- Sorry, come in.

- [Warren] Wow.

That's really something.

- Yeah. Yeah, it never gets old.

- How can you afford this place?

- [Mark] Well, actually, it's my partner Richard's.

What? You never asked either.

- [Warren] You know, I think I can see my place from here.

All the way down there, with the other little people.

- Do you want a drink?

- Actually. An attempt to redeem myself.

Sorry about Sunday.

- Thanks. I wasn't really expecting you to message me.

- [Warren] I felt bad about not doing it before.

I didn't really like how things were left.

- I have been thinking about you, I suppose.

- Really?

I've barely thought about you at all.

So, how long have you been together?

- About 4 years.

- [Warren] Okay. But you guys are open?

- Yeah, obviously.

- I don't think John would ever agree to that.

- [Mark] So, you just do it behind his back instead?

- [Warren] Hey. That's never happened before. I mean it.

- [Mark] Okay, all right. - No need to get defensive.

- I'm not.

I'm really not.

- Okay. I'm only teasing.

- So, do you have rules or something, then?

- Actually, yeah. But they're all Richard's ones.

- What? No sleeping with rugby players?

(Mark laughs)

- Surprisingly, that's actually not one of them.

Although that is the only reason he thinks

I joined the stags.

- Well, is it?

- No.

- So, why did you, then? - Did you play at school?

- I bet you were very good at school.

You were, weren't you?

Typical a team player.

- You guys really don't like us, do you?

- Well you don't really help yourselves.

Speaking of which, I saw you and John at training.

- Oh. The happy couple?

- You tell me.

- So, what were those rules again?

Of your open relationship.

- Okay.

So, no one we know.

I have to tell rich about anyone that I sleep with.

- And, um

- and?

- And no repeat visits.

- Is that so?

So, I'm guessing Richard knows I'm coming round tonight?

- Not exactly, no.

- But he knows about Saturday night?

(Warren tuts)

Breaking all the rules. We're doing so well, aren't we?

- Shut up.

- So, I guess you could say

that we're not the perfect couple either.

- Well, if I were him I'd kick your arse

out of this fancy place.

- It's a good thing you're not him, then, isn't it?

- Yeah, you wouldn't want to get involved. I'm awful.

- Oh yeah?

- Yeah, definitely not.

- I should just stay clear.

- Probably best.

- Probably.

(Intense music)

(Warren and Mark panting)

- You're going to be trouble.

(Bag thudding)

- [Stuart] Drive through. Drive it up.

Keep your back straight, guys.

- [Team] Ready, ready, ready, go.

(Bodies thudding)

- [Team] Ready, ready, ready.

- [Stuart] Good, remember, enter the tackle

with your leading leg, so you control the contact.

Okay?

- [Team] Ready, ready, ready, go.

- [Stuart] That's it.

- [Man] Good, good, good, good, well done.

- [Team] Ready, ready, ready, up!

- [Gareth] Easy, pinky.

- [Pinky] All right, China cloll.

- [Team] Ready, ready, ready, go.

Ready, ready, ready, go.

- [Barry] A squad.

(Indistinct pub chatter)

- I'm not going to lie, pinky.

Watching gareth bitch and moan when you took him down,

it made me feel all kinds of warm inside.

- It was good, wasn't it?

- Get off.

- All right, man. Calm down.

- Hello, John.

Warren, you're back?

- [Warren] Yeah.

I've been given the all clear to play again.

- So he says, anyway.

- [Henry] Oh, John, these are my teammates.

This is pinky and Mark.

- Pinky, Mark? I'm John, this is Warren, my partner.

- Nice to meet you, Mark. Pinky.

- [John] Warren and I are talking about going for some food,

you guys want to join?

- I'd love to.

- [Pinky] Oh, I've got to head off.

Got work to do before bed.

- Yeah, no, I should probably head off too, actually.

- [Henry] Oh, come on, Mark.

He was just moaning that he was starving.

Where were you thinking?

- Somewhere local.

- Somewhere local?

- Yeah, sure. Let's.

Yeah

- [Henry] I know somewhere lovely.

(Henry and John laughing)

- It was the way she came down and leered at us

as we came off the pitch.

- [Henry] No, but at least we had supporters, though.

- True.

- [Henry] God, I miss being a student.

- [John] Well, you still drink like you are.

Don't you want to settle down,

and have a nice man and a dog someday?

- [Henry] What, and end up like this one?

- Henry. - [Henry] Oh fuck, I'm sorry.

All chained up and unhappy.

No, no, there is still far too much exploring to do.

- Okay, Columbus. I think that's enough, mate.

- What the fuck?

- [John] It's true, man.

Your teeth have reached a delightful shade of Merlot.

- [Henry] Who the fuck are you? The fucking tooth fairy?

(John laughs)

- [John] Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Mark.

It'd be nice to meet Richard sometime.

- Now, speaking of the tooth fairy.

You never see him.

But there's always money under the pillow.

- [Mark] Okay, bill please?

- [Henry] Come on, come on.

Look, look, he doesn't come to any of his games.

None of them, but it's fine, because,

"we're in a long distance relationship.'I

- [Mark] Henry, that's enough. That's enough.

- Okay.

He gets by with the occasional fuck on the side

to keep him going- - [Mark] Enough.

Leave it.

- [John] Henry, never change, man.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You all right?

- Yeah. - [John] Stand up.

Come on. Right.

- All right?

- God, I wanted to die.

- [Warren] Really? I thought it was hot.

- What is wrong with you? - What about that was hot?

- Henry has a lot to say for himself, doesn't he?

- What were you thinking,

inviting me out to dinner with your fucking boyfriend?

- It's just another stag, and one of Henry's friends.

- I don't care. I don't care.

Christ, I was bursting out of my skin.

- I was bursting out of my pants. I still fucking am.

- You're unbelievable.

- [John] Guys, man.

Are you both going to leave me here with this human puddle?

- Yeah, I'll order a taxi now.

- Taxi.

- [Warren] What are you doing this week?

I want to take you out.

- [John] Guys.

- I'm doing it. Are you fucking serious?

- [Henry] Taxi.

- Is that a yes?

- Yes, all right. Just shut up, okay?

(Traffic rumbling)

- [Henry] God.

Cried my eyes out during that.

- You're joking. It was so boring.

I'm choosing the next one.

- How could you not cry when his mother died?

- [Mark] I don't know.

Maybe because I'm not tired and over-emotional?

(Phone buzzes)

- [Henry] Who's that?

- It's nothing.

- Richard?

- What?

- [Henry] Richard.

- Er, no. Um-

look, I'm sorry, I've got to go.

- What?

- It's work. Something's come up.

I've got to go deal with it.

- Oh, okay.

Right, well, I guess I'll see you at training.

- Yeah, yeah, definitely.

(Children squealing)

(Distant fairground music)

- You are late.

- You are early.

- Come on.

- You know, I haven't been to the fair since I was a kid.

- Yes.

- [Mark] No, I'm not going on that.

No, I'm not going on that.

- Live a little. It'll be fun.

- No.

No, wait, Warren, I...

(Gentle music)

- Let's go back to yours.

- Okay?

- Yeah.

- Are you staying over?

- [Warren] I can't. Sorry.

- No it's fine. I understand.

Why do you stay with him?

- I could ask you the same thing.

- Yeah, I know, I know.

But like,

- but like, why do you stay together

when you know things aren't right?

- Is this about you and Richard or me and John?

- A bit of both, maybe?

- Do we have to talk about this?

- No, no, of course not.

Forget I said anything.

- Okay. Five years ago- - oh god, I'm getting

the full story aren't I?

- Shh!

- Five years ago- - look I take it back,

I take it back.

I wish I'd never asked, just spare me.

- Listen.

I was in a bit of a bad place.

- Oh what? Croydon?

(Mark laughs)

Sorry.

- John was good to me.

He introduced me to the stags, got me back into rugby.

- Spare me the white knight cliche.

- I'm sorry, Mr. "I live in my boyfriend's

- expensive penthouse." - Oi.

- I'm just saying I think it's a bit different.

- A bit?

- Well, maybe a few similarities.

- Two seconds. Just stay there. Don't move.

Just as you are.

- What is that? - Just stay still.

(Shutter clicks)

10 seconds.

(Film squeaks)

(Paper tears)

(Sheets rustle)

- [Warren] Whoa. - [Mark] Don't smudge it.

- That's amazing.

- [Mark] Thanks.

- [Warren] One for your collection?

- Yeah. Something like that.

Something to remember the day by.

(Men shouting)

- [Stuart] Okay, guys, right.

Got a big game this weekend, yeah?

Cardiff, away, on their home turf.

I'm going to be putting out the team list tomorrow,

so you can sort out your travel arrangements.

If you've got any problems with that,

come and talk to the captain.

Now, I've got a good pool of players I can choose from.

I'm going to choose the strongest team possible.

- And I make no apologies to any of you aren't on that team.

All right?

But if you got an issue about it,

you can come and speak to me,

and if you want to chat about improving your game,

you can do that as well.

But as ever, my decision is final. All right?

And it goes without saying that if you're not chosen,

you can come along and support your teammates,

and I hope that many of you will, I really do.

Good, let's go.

(Team shouts and applauds)

(Muffled chatter)

- [Pinky] Don't worry about it. You'll be fine.

- [Gareth] You'll be fine. - There's no one as fat as you.

Fingers crossed for you though, love.

(Men laughing)

- Oh, Mark. I'll book us a hotel room for Cardiff.

- Yeah, yeah. What about you, pink?

- I'll crash with Carlos, if he's selected, anyway.

Says he won't go otherwise as,

"Cardiff is too far and too shit to go

just for a night out."

- What? You're playing the draconians?

- [Pinky] Yeah.

- [John] Good luck. They even gave us a run for our money.

- Great.

- [John] Stuart must be splashing out,

because Barry hasn't sent us there for years.

- [Announcer] Northern line: The train now approaching

is to...

(Train rumbles)

(Train horn beeps)

- You go on up ahead. I'll hang back.

- Yeah, sure.

(Train rumbles)

- Boys, selection's up.

- [Carlos] Ooh, yes.

- What? Give me a sec. - Okay, south London stags.

B team Cardiff away game.

Okay, here we go.

Pinky, Jimmy, gareth, vlad, bjorn.

- [Oli] He's not been at training in weeks.

- He still put himself down as available.

- [Neil] Dean, Peter h, Frankie, me, scrum half.

Thank you very much, stu. Tom at 10-

- thank god. Someone decent to catch your shitty throws-

- Mark and Henry in the centers.

Carlos and Liam on the wings, and Ian at 15.

Subs on the bench, York, Ford and Warren hunt. What? Who?

- [Jimmy] Wait, is that right? Let me see that.

- [Pinky] Oh shit, bad luck oli.

- No, it's fine. Maybe I'll still come watch.

- [Carlos] Not sure why you look so happy.

Stuart isn't going to leave an a team player on the bench.

He'll be in the starting lineup.

- He's a prop, isn't he?

- Oh fuck, yeah. He is. Well, that's one of us out then, g.

- [Gareth] He just wants to give him a run out on the pitch

at some point.

I'm not worried.

- [Henry] He said he was going to field the strongest team.

- [Gareth] Clearly not, because he selected you, didn't he?

- Fuck you. - [Gareth] I bet you would.

But even I have standards.

- Hey, hey. - [Man] Whoa.

- Let's grab a drink.

- Not tonight.

- [Gareth] Turning down a drink? That's a first.

(Train rumbling)

- Are you insane? What were you thinking?

- Relax. Look, I just spoke to Stuart and I told him that-

- you spoke to Stuart? And said what exactly?

- I just told him I fancied an easy game

to get back into things after injury,

and also wouldn't mind a good night out.

- An easy game? Yeah?

What, and you don't think people might find that

a little suspicious?

That an a team player just decided to randomly

come and play with us for a game?

What did John say?

Have you even spoken to him?

Christ, Warren.

I can't believe you've fucking done this.

- You're over-reacting.

It'll be fun. We'll get to play together.

- Did you even think to ask if I'd be okay with this?

No, you didn't.

- I've booked us a hotel room.

(Mark scoffs)

- A hotel room? That's wonderful. Really, really.

That's wonderful. That's the best one yet.

Probably shouldn't arrive together.

(Phone buzzes)

- [Announcer] For the 8:18 great western railway service

to Cardiff central...

- [Jimmy] Right, they're going by car.

Ah, hello.

- [Carlos] Hola.

- [Jimmy] One train ticket for you sir.

- [Mark] Thanks.

Right. Is that everyone?

- [Carlos] Er, pinky's not here yet.

- [Jimmy] Of course he's not. - He's got about five minutes.

Better hurry up.

Ah, finally.

- [Carlos] Dick of the day already, pinky.

- No, it was dick last night.

- Ooh.

(Tense music)

(Rain splattering)

- [Stuart] Right guys, it's shitty weather.

Get out there quickly, warm up, kick off in 30 minutes.

Vlad, get yourself strapped up. You're jumping.

- Fuck, I'm actually quite nervous.

- You'll be fine. Just think of it like any other game.

- [Stuart] Right, I want you to start

your pre-match mental rituals.

Visualize those first tackles. Those first hits.

How are they going to feel?

I want you to get in the right head-space.

Channel that aggression.

Get rid of all that mental baggage, and just focus.

(Ominous music)

Okay, pinky, you're going to be loose-head.

Jimmy, you're going to be hooker. Warren, tight-head.

Sorry g, but I need a lot of experience

against this team today.

I'll bring you on for the second half.

In the engine room, we've got vlad, bjorn, flankers,

we've got Pete and Dean, and number eight, Felix.

Neil, you're going to be number nine, Tommy, 10,

and then the centers, we've got Mark, Henry.

Mark, I want you to play outside center today.

Let's see how that goes.

On the wings, we've got Liam and Carlos.

Fullback, we've got yorkie.

Ian, I'll bring you on for yorkie in the second half.

Just keep yourself warm and ready.

- Two minutes, gents.

- Thank you, sir.

- Right, captain. What you got?

- I've got aggression, yeah? We've got hunger.

And I've got your backs.

I need you to have mine and each other's, yeah?

Now, I didn't come all the way to wales

in this shitty fucking weather

to see us lot give anything less than 100%, okay?

Yeah, no mercy. Come on, yes.

(Men cheering)

Three, two, one.

- [Team] Stags!

(Dramatic music)

(Whistle blows)

(Men shouting)

(Bodies thudding)

(Mud splattering)

(Distant whistle blowing)

- [Stuart] Okay, guys, really well done, really well done,

but we're not there yet.

I was going to make a few changes,

but I'm going to keep the lineup as it is.

Pinky, one, fantastic teamwork.

Mark, brilliant try.

Let's get back up there and do the business.

(Men shouting)

(Whistle blows)

(Final whistle)

(Men cheering)

(Indistinct chatter)

- Lads, lads. A little something to toast our first victory.

(All cheering)

(Somber music)

- [Jimmy] Gentlemen? Thank you.

That was a tough game,

and I think I'm going to be walking funny

for a few days after that.

Thank you, Cardiff, for hosting us so generously,

and for giving us such a good run for our money.

So thank you.

(All applaud)

- And for our man of the match this week,

I think it's got to go to someone

who really turned the game around for us.

The kind of performance that I think

we should all aspire to.

And it's been a few years, but I for one really enjoyed

having him back in amongst us.

And I know that, strictly speaking,

he's not one of our number,

but I can't think of anyone more deserving

than Mr. Warren hunt.

(Crowd applauds and cheers)

And a bit of housekeeping before we go on.

When we talk about aggression...

- Warren hunt.

He sounds like he's from a long line of hunts.

- [Jimmy] Vlad the impaler for starting a fight

on our opponents.

(Crowd cheers and applauds)

- He is a stag lad, he is a stag lad,

(men singing)

(Tense music)

(Upbeat dance music)

- [Henry] Oh it's such a beautiful sight.

- Shut up.

- What the fuck's wrong with you?

- It's a joke, Jimmy giving him fucking man of the match.

If he loves his old teammates so much,

he can fuck off back to them.

- Come on. Like we won, okay? - Just enjoy the night, yeah?

We were lucky to have him, anyway.

- Lucky? Do you want to fuck him or something?

- Come off it, chica.

- [Carlos] No, pinky, I'm serious.

What's the point in us coming all this way

just to have an a team asshole swoop in for the glory?

While some of us sit on the sidelines.

- I know, it's brilliant.

- Henry, if you hate your team mates so much-

- [Henry] Just the one. One.

I like you.

- Grow up.

- Okay. Drink, anyone?

- I don't think I'll be winning

any popularity contests tonight.

- Since when has that bothered you? They'll get over it.

They're just wired a bit differently, that's all.

- Clearly. We were over the moon after our first win.

- They're not that bothered about it,

unlike our dear old chairman, unfortunately.

- You want me to speak with him?

- Not going to make much difference.

Today will just give us a bit longer, that's all.

Anyway, you've got bigger things to worry about.

- What are you doing? Henry?

- I miss you.

- I see you all the time, you idiot-

- you're always off, now. Doing things.

- You don't love me anymore. - Don't be stupid.

What is this?

- Oh look, it's anywhere else but here!

- Pink, can you just hold this for a second? Please?

- [Pinky] Oh no, no, you don't.

- No, come on, come on.

- I hate you.

- [Mark] Thank you. I'll be outside.

(Muffled pop music)

(Gentle music)

(Light knocking)

- You've no idea how much I've wanted to do that today.

- Yeah?

You could do it again if you like.

- [Mark] I really loved playing with you today.

I'm glad you came.

- Me too.

- Oh, fuck.

Fuck

- Ah.

Morning, sleeping beauty.

You're going to get it.

- [Carlos] Oh my god, he lives.

- Don't.

- You have no idea the night that we've had with this one.

Where were you, man?

- Fuck, guys, I'm sorry.

I was knackered and I guess I just sort of-

- [Carlos] You must have slept like the fucking dead,

because we were hammering on your door for an hour.

- Cinderella here lost her room card.

- Who'd you pull?

- [Mark] What? Henry, seriously? Come on.

- How did you not hear us?

He had to sleep on our floor, after we rinsed him off,

fully clothed in the shower.

- [Carlos] Do you like vomit? No?

Neither do we.

- I'm right here.

- Oh my god, Henry. Not one more word.

- [Gareth] Wow. Ever the walking advert for contraception.

- [Pinky] Leave off, will you?

- [Gareth] I don't blame you, Mark.

I wouldn't share a room with that either.

Clearly, boys, he found somewhere better to stay.

- He better not have.

- [Mark] Look, I'm sorry, all right?

I went to bed, and must have passed out.

And since when is it my responsibility

to look after him, anyway?

He's an adult, isn't he?

- If you say so.

(Melancholy music)

(Keys jangle)

- [Richard] Hello.

- Jesus.

You bastard, I almost died.

- Nice to see you, too.

- Thought you weren't back until next week.

- [Richard] We finished early,

so they transferred my flight.

Do you mind if we head out? I'm absolutely starving.

- Really? Do we have to? I'm shattered.

- How was your football match? Did you win?

- I told you already.

- Did you? Well were you 'man of the moment'?

- Look, can we just get a takeaway or something, instead?

- Yeah, fine. Here, Chuck me that kit.

I'll throw it in the wash.

Who's Warren hunt?

- Just a teammate. Why?

- You've got his shirt in your bag.

Shall I Chuck it in with the rest?

- Yeah. Sure, thanks. I'll give it to him at training.

(Somber music)

(Phone buzzes)

(Water splashing)

(Phone buzzes)

(Men shouting)

(Indistinct chatter)

- [John] Hey mate.

Congratulations on the game Saturday.

- Yeah, it was great.

I didn't get to play though, but no big deal.

- [Mark] Henry.

- That's a shame. - [Mark] Henry.

- Mark. You off, love?

- Yeah. Other half's over, so we just...

- [John] And you still came to training? Good man.

- Good man, indeed. Hope you have a lovely evening together.

Doing anything nice?

- [Mark] No, not really, just a quiet night in.

- [Gareth] Lovely. Enjoy your evening.

- Thanks.

See you.

- See you.

- See you later, mate.

(Somber music)

- While I remember, have you decided about Christmas?

- Rich, we've talked about this.

I've already booked flights.

- [Richard] Yeah, I know.

I just thought it would be nice

if we could spend some time in the UK together.

- You could always come with me.

- I can't ski.

- [Mark] You're not that bad, rich.

- That is not what your dad said.

- So that's a no, then, is it?

- I never get to spend any time with my family-

- yeah, and neither do I. - Then it's settled.

There's not much point discussing it further, is there?

(Men shouting)

- [Man] Try again.

- Yeah loop, and loop, and loop!

Henry!

What's that?

- [Neil] Next line, ready?

- [Man] Yes.

- Come on, Henry.

- [Neil] Next line.

- Yeah.

(Men shouting)

- [Stuart] Okay, guys, that's it. Time to go in. Come on.

- What was that?

Hey.

Everything all right?

- Why wouldn't it be?

- Well, obviously it's not.

You've barely spoken to me all week.

- Well, you are an adult, Mark,

so I'm sure you'll survive.

- Oh, come on. Look, fine I'm sorry, but seriously-

- [Henry] Seriously what, Mark?

Because you've been a shitty friend for the last few months.

I mean, you never want to hang out.

You don't want to do anything outside of training, so -

mate, Cardiff, that was just the tipping point.

As I was really looking forward to finally

spending some time together.

- Well, I thought we did.

That is, until you got smashed

out of your fucking mind, as usual.

- Who the fuck are you? Gareth?

- What's the problem? - Give me a fucking break.

- What is the problem, then?

I didn't babysit you and rub your back

while you were throwing up on some street corner?

- Fuck you, Mark.

- Look, I'm sorry I'm not the shining example of friendship

that you clearly expect me to be.

Have you any idea what's going on in my life?

More to the point, have you even asked?

- Okay, then. Tell me, tell me.

What kind of actual problems do you think

you have in your life, Mark?

- You know what, Henry?

Forget it. It doesn't matter.

Just forget it.

- No problem.

(Melancholy music)

- This is driving me fucking crazy. When's Richard leaving?

- I don't know, okay?

- What do you mean, you don't know?

- End of the week, maybe?

I think.

Stop it, Warren. This is fucking insane.

Warren.

(Door squeaks)

(Door locks)

(Footsteps)

(Mark exhales)

(Toilet flushes)

(Mark whimpers)

- [Mark] That was a little harsh. I do feel bad about it.

- [Warren] Don't be. - He's a petulant child.

I don't know why you care.

He'll get over it.

- Last night was really difficult for me.

- How do you think I feel? - Knowing you were with him.

- You go back to John every night.

- [Warren] It's not the same.

- [Mark] You think I like having to hide this

from everyone we know,

while I watch you parade around with him?

- I hate you being with him.

- [Mark] Well, now you know how it feels.

If you want to change that, you know what to do.

- [Warren] Oh, because that's so simple?

- [Mark] Well, it's not impossible, Warren.

- Do you have any idea the drama that would cause?

- Oh what, and you care about that, do you?

- You're so naive sometimes- - and you're a cunt.

- I'm sorry.

It's just -

- it's just a bit overwhelming.

- Anyway.

So, I was thinking.

Are you still on your own over the holidays?

- Well.

Me and John's family don't exactly get on.

- Okay.

So, come with me, to my parent's place.

- Are you serious?

- Is that a yes?

(Plane roaring)

- [Warren] Yeah I know. You too.

- Does he suspect anything?

- Not a thing. And what's to suspect?

I'm going to Geneva to see my friends.

- [Mark] So, are you ready?

- Yeah, got my passport.

- No, I mean to meet my parents.

- Why? Should I be worried?

I bet your mum's fierce.

- Oh she is.

So fierce.

- Oh god, she is.

- Yeah. You'll be fine. - Don't worry about it.

- She is, isn't she?

Mark.

Mark.

- Hello. - Hello, Mark.

- How you doing?

- [Alice] How was your flight? Come in!

- Yeah, no, we survived, just about.

- And you must be Warren.

- Leonard. - Pleasure.

- [Alice] It's lovely to meet you, Warren.

I'm Alice. You boys look thirsty.

I'll get you a drink.

So, Mark tells me you're quite the player.

- [Mark] He's in the a squad, mom.

- [Alice] I bet.

- [Len] Do you ski, Warren?

- [Warren] I do, yes. Well, I have.

I went a couple of times when I was younger.

- [Alice] Dad will take you both out tomorrow.

You can borrow one of our suits if you like.

You look like you'll fill it out well.

(Wind howling)

(Clothes rustling)

- It's a bit on the snug side.

- Let's have a look. Oh yeah. I can see that.

(Both laugh)

- How do I look?

- Tight.

(Gentle music)

- [Mark] You ok? - Yeah.

I think I might have overestimated my ability.

- You'll be fine. Come on.

Well look at that. Finally a sport I can-

- don't even say it.

(Mark laughs)

- [Mark] Off we go.

- My god, you must be freezing.

- I grew up here, didn't I?

(Water splashes)

- Thank you.

- What for?

- All of this.

Your mother is, um -

- interesting.

- Yeah, she's a bit eccentric.

- You're so lucky.

- You know, you weren't actually that bad today.

- Everything hurts.

- I didn't realize you a's bruise so easily.

(Both laughing)

- You know, I'm pretty sure that they've gone to bed.

(Soul music)

J' I can touch your love, I feel it I

j' I want you to know how much I need it j'

j' had I thought I needed you so bad j"

j' I would have, never let you go j'

j'ohj'

j'iwas a foolj'

j'iseeitj'

j" I can't find the words to stop you leaving j“

j' and I know I treated you so bad I

j'butlj'

j" I got to let you know j'

j'ohj'

j" there's nothing I'd not say j'

j' there's nothing I'd not do j"

j' just to be spending Christmas time with you j“

j' not a lie I couldn't live j"

j“ any struggle I'd push through j“

j' just to be spending Christmas time with you j“

J'ohnoj'

j' with you I

(intense saxophone solo)

J" there's nothing I'd not say j'

j' there's nothing I'd not do j"

j' just to be spending Christmas time with you j“

j' not a lie I couldn't live j"

j“ any struggle I'll push through j“

j' just to be spending Christmas time with you j“

j' just to be spending Christmas time with you j“

(music fades away)

(Phone buzzes)

(Mark coughs)

- I won't tell if you won't.

- And when did you start smoking again?

- I wasn't talking about the cigarette.

(Door creaks)

It's so wonderful to have you out here, darling.

And of course, Warren is lovely.

- Yeah.

Am I doing the right thing, though?

- When I met your father,

I could barely take my eyes off him, too.

He wasn't available either.

- What?

- I was no angel.

At the time, I was sleeping with my history professor,

but we both knew that was just sex.

- But what sex it was. - Mum. Please.

- Your father, however, was with Jennifer.

Huge tits, like you've never seen.

(Mark splutters)

The point I'm trying to make is that they were in love.

High school sweethearts.

So, naturally, he couldn't keep his hands off me.

We went about the campus hiding in shadows,

sneaking into one another's bedrooms, for months.

I put up with living in Jennifer's shadow,

because I knew I could eventually steal his heart.

Jennifer was heartbroken.

After he ended it, she sent me a letter.

It was one of the most distressing things I've ever read.

I still have it. Your father has no idea.

We got married not long after, and then we had you,

my favorite human being on this earth.

But darling, your father has never changed.

The whole town knew about Natalie.

- [Mark] My au pair? - Christ, mom. I was five.

- [Alice] And the years of stolen moments

with the secretary.

That's just the two I know about.

- Mum, this is a whole lot to take in.

- [Alice] I've learnt to live with your father's infidelity.

Every year, we get a little older,

but it doesn't get any easier.

Oh, he loves me, and I love him,

but I understand something now

that I didn't all those years ago, from Jennifer's letter.

I understand not only the collateral damage

an affair causes,

but how a relationship born from deception

only continues to create more.

Get some sleep.

(Melancholy music)

- He's getting better.

- I really like him.

- Whatever makes you happy.

- Dad, I wanted to ask you something.

- Yeah?

- Me and mom, we talked about Jennifer last night.

- One too many rosés, then.

- Yeah, I guess.

I don't know, it's just- - Mark, I love your mother.

I don't know why she wants to dig up this ancient history.

Warren seems like a good man.

His tits aren't as nice as Jennifer's though I have to say.

(Mark laughs)

Listen.

Life comes at you fast.

Sometimes, it's hard to find the joy in it,

so you just need to grab hold of it whenever you can.

- I guess it's just hard to know what's the right thing.

Without hurting anyone.

- If you're always worried about hurting someone,

you're going to miss out on some

of the most incredible stuff that life has to offer.

Wa-hey.

(Mark laughing)

Getting better.

- Yeah.

(Wind whistling)

(Gentle music)

(Ca r sta rts)

Ready?

- Yeah.

(Door clicks)

(Muffled dance music)

(Doorbell rings)

- Happy new year!

- Not quite, love.

- Oh shut up, Sandy vagina. - Come in and get drunk.

You're welcome.

- Thanks.

- That is so bad.

- Hey, love. How were your holidays?

- Yeah, no, really good, thanks. Really good, thanks.

- [Carlos] Oh

- still not patched things up?

- [Mark] Do you think it's salvageable?

- It's you.

Come on.

- [Mark] Hey stranger.

- Hey.

- You okay?

- As good as I can be, deep in enemy territory.

Look, is there any chance that we can just -

- we can maybe start again?

- Yeah.

I miss you, buddy.

- I miss you.

Everything okay?

- Yeah, yeah.

- [John] Happy new year, boys.

- Hey.

- [John] So, any new year's resolutions?

- Yeah, one or two.

- Excuse me a sec.

- You should go for it man.

- Honestly, he's not interested. He's not.

Stop looking at me like that.

- What?

You know what you're doing.

- Same again, boys?

(Somber music)

(Water splashing)

- [Mark] Christ, I hate this.

- [Warren] I know, and I'm sorry, okay?

- Oh shit.

I'm so sorry.

- Fuck.

- [Pinky] It's okay, I didn't see anything. Well, I did.

But I can pretend I didn't. Okay, no, that's a lie too.

- Pinky, please. Don't say anything.

- Okay, okay.

Warren.

- Hi, pinky.

- [Mark] Please, pink.

- [Pinky] It's okay, I won't.

I'm just going back downstairs.

It's just, I just came to get my charger.

You know what? Nevermind. I'll come back later.

(Upbeat music)

- 10 minutes, boys.

- Let's get a group photo.

- [Gareth] Lovely people, team b,

let's get a final team photo of the year.

(Ominous music)

Give me your phone, pink.

Mine's plugged in for the music.

- Mine's dead.

- [Carlos] You just went to charge it.

- It's fine, just use mine.

- You as well. Come on.

(Phone buzzes)

- Three, two, one.

- Stags.

- What the fuck did you say to him?

- Honestly, Mark.

It can't be easy for him to compete for your attention,

even when you only had one boyfriend.

- Jesus fucking Christ.

- I was doing him a favor, really.

- [Henry] Yeah, mate, you can try and fucking run.

- [Mark] Just leave it.

- [Henry] Do you actually care about anyone?

The team?

- [Crowd] Twelve, eleven, ten...

- [Carlos] It's the countdown, man. Come on.

- [Crowd] Nine, eight, seven, six, five, four,

three, two, one, happy new year.

- You fucking do it again man! Fucking do it again -

- [Henry] He isn't worth it.

- I'll kill him, you fuck. - Mate, mate,

he's not worth it, look at me.

He's not worth it, yeah?

(Ear ringing sound)

Are you going to say anything?

- Maybe it's time you go sweet-

- don't fucking touch me.

Happy fucking new year.

(Door slams)

(Melancholy music)

(Fireworks exploding)

(Door clicks)

- Happy new year, baby.

- Rich, there's something that I er-

- [Richard] It's okay.

I already know.

I know everything.

- Who?

- Does it matter?

- Richard, I don't know what to say-

- don't.

Please.

- I'm so sorry.

- [Richard] I've made up a bed in the spare room for you.

You can pack your things in the morning.

(Melancholy music)

(Mark sniffles)

(Train rumbles)

(Birds chirping)

(Men shouting)

(Whistle blowing)

(Bodies thudding)

(Men whooping)

- [Man] No, that's a knock on,

and that's the ball game.

(Crowd applauding)

(Bar clanks)

(Men chatting)

- [Stuart] Jimmy, can I have a word?

(Traffic rumbling)

- How have you been?

- Yeah. Yeah. No, good. Good.

Life's good.

- Barry is dropping the b team-

- please don't, pink.

- You can act like you don't care-

- I don't.

Sorry.

I don't. Really.

It's not going to happen, okay?

So just drop it.

- I hated rugby in school. Did you know that?

I was great at it, but I hated every second.

Never thought I'd give it another go.

Then I met all of you boys.

It was like finding a family.

Maybe being a stag meant nothing to you-

- this isn't fair, pink.

- No, it isn't.

- Look, I'm sorry, okay? The answer is no.

(Somber music)

- [Barry] Okay lads. - That's enough, let's go.

- Hey.

I need something from you.

- [Warren] No way.

He doesn't want to see me.

- [Pinky] You owe us this.

(Brush rasping)

(Phone buzzes)

(Mark sniffs)

(Birds chirping)

- I can't stop thinking about Christmas-

- stop.

- Next time, I'll even beat your dad down the mountain-

- Warren, there won't be a next time. You know that.

- I miss you.

- Why are we even here?

Pinky spoke to you, didn't he?

- It really hurt that you never answered.

- I'm surprised you care.

- Don't say that.

Mark.

I love you.

- And what good does that do me now? Hmm?

- Why are you doing this?

- Why am I? Why are you, Warren?

What is it you want from me? You had your chance.

It's all just words now.

Does John know you're here?

- How did we get here, Mark?

(Melancholy music)

(Paper rustles)

- Pinky gave me this.

Don't punish them.

- You're a good man, Mark.

(Dramatic music)

- [Stuart] Go, go, go, go, go.

Ready, ready ready, go!

(Bodies thudding)

- [Stuart] It's been a tough old season for us all,

but we've got everything to fight for.

Now, the powers that be might not believe in you, but I do,

completely, and I know that every one of you

believes in each other.

So lets show that today

- and lets show that to everybody who's watching.

- Come on, boys. Let's do this. Hands in.

Three, two, one.

- [Team] Stags!

(Crowd cheering)

(Whistle blows)

(Jimmy cheers)

(Men shouting)

(Whistle blowing)

(Crowd clapping)

- Come on, boys.

- Have I missed much?

- It's five all and they've just called half-time.

- [Jimmy] We need to focus and get some discipline, yeah?

Can we get some water?

- [Stuart] Right, listen up, guys.

Their backs are unfit.

They're relying on their forward power.

Mr. Pink, you see that flanker over there?

- [Pinky] Which one?

- The pretty one.

- [Pinky] Oh, yeah.

- [Stuart] Take him out.

- I think I can manage that.

- [Stuart] Right, listen up.

Mark, Henry, you let the forwards to do their work.

Then you're going to break through the back line, all right?

That is how we are going win it. Come on.

(Crowd applauding)

(Men shouting)

(Bodies thudding)

- Long time.

- Do you actually understand all these rules?

- First match?

Well, first of all, they're laws, not rules,

- and no,

but, I don't think anyone does.

Least of all, this ref.

- [Pinky] Oh you are so mine.

(Whistle blows)

- [Referee] High tackle.

- [Stuart] That's not quite what I meant, Mr. Pink.

- [Supporter] They're one player down, now.

Five minutes left. Still a tie.

- [Carlos] Ladies, focus.

Henry, you got this.

(Crowd cheers)

(Whistle blows)

(Gentle music)

(Dramatic music)

- [Jimmy] Come on, guys. It's not over yet.

Carlos.

- Wait, give it to Henry.

- [Jimmy] Well done, Henry.

(Stags cheer)

(Whistle blows)

(Melancholy music)

- Thought I would finally see what all the fuss was about.

- It means a lot.

I am sorry. I never meant to hurt you.

- It's getting late.

- Look, maybe we can go for a drink or something, sometime?

- I'm really glad I got to see you play, Mark.

(Team laughing)

- [Jimmy] Where's Mark?

- Mark.

Come on.

- It's okay.

(Men cheering)

- Look at them.

You never really understood how we used to win, did you?

But it was never about being the best.

(Men cheering)

- Are we okay?

- We can work on it.

- Mark.

Mark, wait. Please.

Can we talk?

That was the best I've ever seen you play, today.

- Thanks.

- I'm glad you came back.

John wanted to come down and support Henry.

And um,

well,

- I just wanted to see the old place for one last time.

- What do you mean?

- Me and John are leaving the club.

It's probably for the best.

Now, I'm not so sure.

Seeing you this week again-

- Warren.

- I could go and end it with him now, right now.

We could try again, but properly this time-

- please.

I really appreciate you coming today.

I do.

Look, I just...

We lost our way.

(Muffled cheering)

- And I think I've found it again now.

- I've got to go.

(Both sniffling)

Come here.

(Warren sobs)

(Dramatic music)

(Indistinct pub chatter)

- [Mark] Boys!

- Nice yellow card today.

- Oh, fuck.

(Carlos laughs)

- Ladies and gentleman,

- thank you.

Firstly, I'd like to express our sincere gratitude

to the Rochester boys for coming down today,

and providing us with such spirited

and sporting opposition.

So thank you.

(All applaud)

Though I must say it feels pretty good

to have reclaimed the honour today, on this day,

the day of our final match together.

Our final match together this season.

And I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Stuart,

and each and every one of my teammates, even gareth.

(Stags laugh)

My rugby family.

(All applaud)

For reminding me, over the course of this season,

what this game of rugby is really about.

So thank you.

And now, for our man of the match.

It was a tough call this week,

but I'd like to give it to someone who I think

we all know has had his fair share struggles off the pitch.

He never fails to put that aside,

and give himself 100% when he's on the pitch,

hungover or not.

Henry Michaels.

(All cheer and applaud)

One non-alcoholic pint.

(Ahlaugh)

And now, for our dick of the day.

We all know him. We all still love him anyway.

He managed to get another yellow card today.

He may just be our dick of the season.

He is our click of the season. Mr. Pink.

(All cheer)

- You fuckers. I hate you all.

- [Crowd] He is a stag lad, he is a stag lad,

he shouts it proudly, night and day, hey, hey!

He's never lonely when we are with him,

and he knows how to put a pint away,

pint away, pint away, pint away, pint away,

pint away, pint away.

(All cheering)

- [Carlos] Here he is!

- Don't you fucking dare.

(Carlos laughs)

(Gentle music)

J“ close your eyes, it's time j'

j" take a breath and feel your hand in mine j“

j' you're gonna be just fine j“

(upbeat pop music)

J“ through the storms and the hurricanes j“

j“ I'll be there with you to chase the thunder and the rain j“

j'ohj'

J' I'll get you on your feet again j'

j“ take a breath and feel your hand in mine j“

j' because I'm by your side, your side, j“

j' your side, your side, your side, your side, your side, j'

j“ your side, your side, your side, your side j'

j' scars and trophies and bruises fade with time j'

j' no matter how the world may seem j“

j“ we'll always win because we're on the same team j'

J“ run away and see j“

j“ who it is you were always meant to be j'

j' meant to be j“

j' I see you carrying all that pain j“

j' but you can lay it down and you can start to fade away j'

j“ so take a breath and feel your hand in mine j“

j“ cos I'm by your side, your side, your side, your side, j“

j' your side, your side, your side, your side, your side, j'

j“ your side, your side j'

j“ 'cos scars are trophies and bruises fade with time j“

j' no matter how the world may seem j“

j' we'll always win 'cos we're on the same team j'

j no need to turn around j“

j' I'm only steps behind j'

j' can you hear the sound j“

j' your feet are drums, watch them strike the ground j“

j'ahj'

J“ close your eyes, it's time j'

j“ take a breath and feel your hand in mine j“

j' 'cos I'm by your side j“

j' I'm by your side j'

j' you were made to love, you were made to live j'

j“ we will always win, we will always win j'

j' you were made to love, you were made to live j'

j“ we will always win, we will always win j'

j' you were made to love, you were made to live j'

(Music fades)