Original subtitles

Here's what I found out.

That all of life is a learning experience.

Everything is part of a big master plan.

But sometimes it's-- Well, it's hard to read.

I mean, it's like if you get too close to the screen,

all you can see is a bunch of little dots.

You don't see the big picture until you stand back.

But when you do,

everything comes into focus.

Hi. My name is Suzanne Maretto.

No, wait. I'm sorry.

Suzanne Maretto is my married name.

My own name

is Suzanne Stone.

That's my professional name.

Suzanne Stone.

It's not like I have any negative feelings about the name Maretto.

Maretto is the name, after all,

of my husband...

...who I loved very, very much.

Um...

Sorry.

It's also the name of his parents, Joe and Angela Maretto,

and of his lovely and talented sister, Janice Maretto,

who have been like a second family to me

and who I regard as I do my own family...

particularly since my recent tragedy.

And who, just through knowing and being related to them,

have given me what I think is a very precious and valuable insight

into the different kinds of ethnic relationships

that are part of the very things that I've been trying to explore

as a member of the professional media.

First impressions in one word? You really want to know?

- Wet.

Four letters, begins with "C."

Larry, it's a girl.

You've never seen one of them, huh?

Cold.

Cold. C-O-L-D. Cold.

Yeah.

So, what did you think of Suzanne when you met her?

I just didn't get the Suzanne thing.

I mean, all the girls around town thought Larry was really cute.

I mean, Larry used to hang out at the restaurant on the nights

when my dad would let Larry and his dopey rock band play there.

Just, uh, you know?

Laura Risley, I remember. She really--

Peggy Holden. I mean, she's kind of a slut.

But, I mean, he could've had anybody, basically, is what I'm saying.

But I don't know. Suzanne, blond.

I don't know.

Well, yeah, sure, I could've said some things.

Well, to tell you the truth, I did say some things.

Yeah, it's my brother.

But, uh, in a very subtle way.

Larry, what do you think of Angela Raguzzo?

- She's all right. - She's hot.

Why?

She wants you to ask her out.

Look, sis, don't try and fix me up with people. It's embarrassing.

- All right.

What do you think of Dana Defalco?

Oh, great. You want me to go out with a girl whose father's in the mob?

- Who says he's in the mob? - Everybody.

Everybody. So? Don't you want a little excitement?

- I got all the excitement I can take. - Oh, with who? The ice maiden?

You don't know what you're talking about.

- I don't? - No.

Okay.

Inform me.

Well, it's none of your business.

But, Suzanne, she looks, you know, very fragile and delicate, right?

Mm-hm.

But when we're-- When we're--

I mean, when I'm--

Look, I don't even know why I'm telling you this. Details are too graphic.

But let me just tell you, she's like--

She's like a volcano.

You mean, people come from miles around

- just to watch her explode? - Ha-ha-ha.

- Is that it? - Very funny.

- Like Mount St. Helens? - Very funny. Ha-ha-ha!

Man, when he says to me--

I'm gonna marry her.

Wait a minute. You what?

"You what?" I said. And then he says--

I'm telling you, sis, she's it.

- She's the golden girl of my dreams. - Oh, God.

And I did one of these:

Which I regretted right away, because, you know, he looked at me

with that kind of doggy look that guys get.

I'm just kidding. I'm kidding.

She can't even bowl.

Yes. Yes.

- Let me tell you something, all right? - Yeah.

She's like-- She's like, uh, a delicate china doll.

Larry, you ever try kissing a doll? You know, they don't kiss back.

She's like one of those porcelain figurines that Mom collects.

She is so pure and delicate

and innocent.

You just have to look at her, and you wanna take care of her

for the rest of your life.

Yeah, I can see that.

So...

Anyway, so when she, Suzanne, says to me--

If you're actively seeking a career in the professional ice skating field...

In the spotlight, so to speak.

...I think you have to maximize your positive features.

- Mm. Sure. - So, what I'm saying

is that a qualified plastic surgeon

could just snip away those little beauty spots or facial blemishes,

whatever you call them. You'd see how much better you'd feel.

You know, commenting about my face and stuff. I, you know...?

I knew where she was going, Ms. Fixer-Upper.

I believe that Mr. Gorbachev--

- The man who ran Russia for so long? - Mm-hm.

I believe he would be in power today if he'd done what people suggested

and had that big purple thing taken off his forehead.

- I firmly believe that.

I hope to interview him. We'll discuss that

along with other more pertinent international things, you know?

I'm telling you, sis, she's gonna be the next Barbara Walters.

Oh, is that right?

Well, Barbara does have many admirable qualities.

A wide range of knowledge of current events

and a deep sympathy for people's feelings,

which is a trait so many people have who are of the Jewish persuasion.

Isn't she something else?

Mm.

So, yeah, that was it.

I mean, a done deal, finito.

He was a goner.

The point is that, for instance,

Connie Chung, who is married, I believe,

to Maury Povich, the well-known interviewer, doesn't say:

"Hello, this is Connie Povich with the news." Now, does she?

And I don't think she would be embarrassed by it

because she's already pretty ethnic when you think about it.

Or to take another example,

someone who doesn't have an ethnic bone in her body.

There's Jane Pauley...

...who I strongly relate to

because, you know, we have similar physical traits.

Although I don't have to struggle with the weight problem like she does.

And she also, to the best of my knowledge,

has never identified herself, audience-wise,

as Jane Trudeau

even though her husband, Mr. Trudeau,

is a prominent cartoonist of some kind,

and not, as so many people believe, the ex-president of Canada.

So, what I'm saying is this:

There are some people who never know who they are

or who they wanna be until it's too late.

And that is a real tragedy in my book,

because I always knew who I was and who I wanted to be.

Always.

Okay. Who wants to be on TV? There she is.

- Lok at who's looking at herself. - Just look at that.

Look there.

Look there. Come here. Look at the camera.

- See? - Look at what a darling.

Oh, sweetheart.

Can't you get it focused better than that?

And we're back with the families of Suzanne and Larry Maretto.

Mr. Stone.

Mr. Stone?

At first, I have to admit we--

We didn't think too much of it, the relationship.

I mean, here was our daughter, a college graduate.

Junior college, yes, but with good grades and a degree in...

Electronic journalism.

Exactly.

And here was this young man,

a good boy, obviously,

but, still, a boy whose education was...

limited to high school.

And I remember saying to her, "Honey--"

I'm worried that you don't know what you're getting into with this kid.

- Dad, I'm not a little girl anymore. - I know that, sweetheart.

All I'm saying is that we come from pretty different backgrounds.

"For all you know, his family could be mixed up with the Mafia or something."

- I'm sorry, Joe. - No problem, Earl.

- I was just being-- - No, no. I understand.

Oh, I understand. Please.

Of course, she laughed at me.

- Dad, don't worry. - Well, I have to worry.

That's what dads do.

If you ask me, I'd say that Larry appealed to a side of her

that you wouldn't ordinarily know was there.

It was a kind of a-- What? Uh...

A wild side.

Well, not wild, but, uh...

Wild.

I thought he would marry-- I don't know.

You know, like, a nice Italian girl.

But like the guy in The Godfather says:

"This is America, okay?

The melting pot."

Anyway, one day, Larry comes over to me. He says--

I'm gonna tell you something, Pop. She's going places.

She's got goals. You know, she's studying stuff.

She's sending out résumés all the time.

Did I show you what she gave me for my birthday?

"You Can Be The One."

The one what?

Well, the one anything. That's the point. It's self-motivation.

It's from that guy on TV, the millionaire,

with all the houses and yachts.

You know?

- Sounds pretty serious, Larry. - Serious? Pop, I sold my drums.

- You sold your drums? - Yep.

And he did. He sold his drums

and he turned himself right around just for her.

The veil Suzanne wore

she had copied from a picture in a magazine.

The exact same one Maria Shriver wore at her wedding.

Larry was, uh... He was so proud, you know,

because Suzanne, she designed the wedding rings all by herself.

You want me to describe them for you?

They were round and gold.

I mean, big fucking deal.

Come on, Suze, let's go!

I'll still never find a guy like you, Dad.

Suze.

What?

We got a postcard from Suzanne

every single day that they were on their honeymoon.

And it very much surprised us that they went to Florida,

because Suzanne was never one to lie around the beach.

But Larry was very much into boating and fishing,

and I think she just wanted to make him happy.

That's a pretty little lady you got there.

Yes, sir.

We've been married for four days and 18 hours.

I wouldn't let her out of my sight for very long.

Well, she can't go in the sun.

It's not good to tan when you're on TV.

TV? What show is she on? Have I ever seen her?

Not yet, but you will.

Hi, honey.

Suzanne.

Did you miss me?

Hm?

Did you dream about me, baby?

Suzanne.

It must've been a pretty successful honeymoon

because when they came back, they were--

Radiant.

Exactly. Radiant.

Larry took the money he was saving in case he wanted to go to college

and put a down payment on that condo over at the Heights.

And he bought her that pretty little Mustang.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Hi. - How are you?

- Good, good, good. - Come in.

Hey, Mom.

So you thought Larry changed a lot after he and Suzanne were married?

Oh, totally. It was like suddenly, you know, he went from Van Halen

to Jerry Vale overnight.

I don't know. She didn't have any-- Well, she thought she had taste, but...

Barquettes with leek chiffonade.

This is the dish that they serve

in Johnny Carson's favorite restaurant in Hollywood.

Well, hey, if it's good enough for Johnny.

Well, was that some meal or what?

Oh.

I say Julia Child better watch her back

or she'll be looking for another job, huh?

Oh, Larry.

Well, I won't be doing this every night.

I'm planning to start this exercise class so I can get rid of a few pounds.

From where? Your feet?

- On TV, the camera adds five pounds. - Is that true?

I didn't know that. Did you know that, Joe?

No.

Talking about exercise, I gotta go.

- Hey. - I gotta rehearse.

I got a rehearsal at some god-awful hour all the way over in Norwalk.

- What are you rehearsing, dear? - Janice has a job in the Ice Follies.

- They're going on tour in September. - Hey, sis, that's fabulous.

Thanks.

I'm just one of the chorus, you know, now, but--

Well, actually, I do skate this one medley.

It's kind of a, you know, salute to great TV shows.

I skate the Peggy Lipton part in The Mod Squad number, you know?

Peggy Lipton?

Yeah. I get to wear a blond wig and everything, you know?

How exciting.

Yeah, they're talking about, like,

well, maybe a TV special this year, so...

Now, listen. Hang on, everybody.

Because, well, we've got

a pretty important announcement ourselves to make

and I think congratulations are in order.

Oh, Joe! Oh!

Larry.

- Oh, honey. - Wait, wait, wait. Cut, cut, cut.

It's not that.

- You're not--? - No, I'm not pregnant, for God's sake.

Oh.

- Suzy's got a job. - What?

Over at WWEN, the TV station.

The first woman they ever hired. Isn't that right?

That's right.

Yep, our Suze is on her way now,

and nothing is gonna stop her.

Oh, honey, I'm proud of you.

- That's great.

We're proud of you.

Great. Great.

- So how are the newlyweds? - Oh, they're doing great.

- Thanks, Sal. - Yeah, cute kids.

- Aren't they just? - Yeah.

- Did you like the barquettes? - The what?

With the leek chiffonade. Was it okay?

To tell you the truth, we never did them before,

but she showed us this recipe in a book, so, pfft, no problem.

I never told anyone.

Even Joe.

So she couldn't cook. There are worse crimes,

as we all know.

You're not anybody in America unless you're on TV.

On TV is where we learn about who we really are.

Because what's the point of doing anything worthwhile

if nobody's watching?

And if people are watching, it makes you a better person.

Marry me. Mary, say yes.

I thought she was like a goddess of some kind.

Like Lady Di before she dumped the prince

and went nudist and everything.

Suzanne bought me this dress, which I hope to fit someday.

Suzanne Maretto was a beautiful human being

with real dreams and aspirations.

Suzanne used to say, "Opportunity is always knocking.

If you aren't listening, its knuckles get sore,

and it moves to another house."

Something like that.

She said that even on her honeymoon she had Larry take her to this hotel

in Florida where there was gonna be this kind of convention

of all these big-shot TV people

that she'd read about in a magazine.

Which, of course, she didn't tell Larry, because she didn't want

to maybe hurt his feelings about her attending to her career

while they were bonding sexually, so to speak.

So the German reporter says to the Hungarian editor,

"Of course she's always smiling.

She gets faxed at least ten times a day." Boom!

I know that's a silly joke,

but it does illustrate our central thesis today,

which is "Here and Now in the Fast-Moving Computer Age."

It's the--

In our fast-moving computer age,

it's the medium of television

that joins together our global community.

And it is the...

It is the television journalist who serves as messenger,

bringing the world into our homes

and our homes into the world.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thanks a lot.

- The point is, Ms... - Stone.

- Ms. Stone. - Suzanne.

- Suzanne Stone. - Mm-hm.

That's a good name.

Now, that's a name you can remember.

Oh.

The point is, Suzanne,

if you want it bad enough, you'll get it,

but you gotta really want it.

- Mm. - You gotta be able to do things

that ordinary people wouldn't do.

- Mm. - You see what I'm saying?

Hm. I think so.

How about another of those?

Oh, um... I don't know about that.

Sweetheart?

- Yes. - Give us another all around, okay?

Okay.

Anyway, when I was at the network,

there was this gal from some ten-watt station in the Midwest

where she did the weather.

- The weather.

So she comes up to New York

in her best Donna Karan dress-for-success knockoff,

blond hair all done up in a French twist,

and an audition tape in her imitation leather briefcase,

along with a letter of introduction from her station manager.

And it says,

"Please give your most serious consideration

to the bearer of this letter..."

Ms. So-And-So.

"...who is of moderate intelligence,

who has some experience in broadcasting,

and, more importantly,

who can suck your cock until your eyes pop out."

And you know who that gal is today?

Who?

- Is that true?

It's true.

And here comes the best part.

Yes?

This is the best part.

About ten years ago, I'm at some TV conference somewhere,

and I run into that station manager,

and I congratulate him on his letter-writing skills.

And he doesn't know what I'm talking about.

Why doesn't he?

Because, sweetheart, he didn't write the letter.

Oh.

Oh. Who did?

She did. She wrote it herself.

Oh.

Oh, I see.

- It's good, isn't it? - I love it.

- I watch her show all the time. - Everybody does.

So, uh...

What do you think, Suzanne?

What...? What do I think about what?

Well...

Suzanne.

Suze.

- Hi, honey. - Hey, Suze.

Where were you?

I couldn't sleep.

When I put out the sign for a gal Friday,

I figured I'd be interviewing high-school dropouts

who wouldn't mind going to the mall and picking up doughnuts

and emptying the ashtrays. That kind of thing.

And this is when we first meet Gangbusters.

That's what George and I called Suzanne.

Uh, not to her face, of course.

Mr. Grant, I am the woman you are looking for.

My name is Suzanne Stone Maretto,

but I plan to use Suzanne Stone as my professional name.

I'd like you to look over my résumé,

which details both my educational background

and my references in the media field.

Uh, Mr. Grant, I can make you a solemn promise

- that I will be dedicated... - Whoa. Whoa.

- ...and committed to this job. - Whoa. Hang on a second, Suzanne.

We're only looking for someone to answer the mail, run errands.

Minimum pay, no benefits.

Oh, money is not my main concern, Mr. Grant.

I just want a chance to contribute something.

I think you'll find I have very valuable ideas about programming.

- I've studied-- - Whoa. Whoa. No.

You're not hearing what I'm saying. Take a look around you.

I mean, Suzanne, we're talking local cable station here.

Oh, I just want a chance to get my foot in the door.

Everybody has to start somewhere.

Do you know where Edward R. Murrow started?

No. No, I don't.

No.

No. Well, neither do I offhand.

But I don't think it was at the top, do you? Hm?

I don't know.

I live only five minutes away from here.

I will be willing and eager

to respond to any newsworthy emergency you put in front of me.

- Anything you want. - Suzanne. Uh... Uh...

Mr. Grant, this is a dream I have had all my life.

I will do anything to get this job. Anything.

Uh...

This is my associate, George.

Oh.

Pleased to meet you, George.

Well, we'll think about it.

I believe that my assets--

Hey, I said we'll think about it.

- And we will. - Okay.

- Okay? - Thank you. Thank you.

- Thank you. - Oh. Yeah.

Okay.

I believe that in our fast-moving computer age

it is the medium of television that joins together the global community,

and it is the television journalist who serves as messenger

bringing the world into our homes and our homes into the world.

It has always been my dream to become such a messenger.

I look to you, gentlemen, now

to make that dream a reality.

Jesus Christ.

Gangbusters.

Fucking gangbusters.

Oh.

Hey.

- Hey, come on back to bed. - I gotta go to work.

- Come on, ten minutes. - I gotta go.

- Five minutes. - I gotta put my face on.

Come on. Put your face on me. Two minutes.

Take your hand away.

Come, Walter.

The dog was a cute little thing, now, wasn't he?

She was just crazy about that dog.

It was darling.

Oh, hello.

- Oh.

She named it Walter after Walter, um...

Is it Cronkite? The guy who used to be on TV.

I think he was Dan Rather's uncle or something.

It was like a hairball puked up by some demon from hell.

There wasn't much to do.

Most of the time, she just sat over there and worked on her file.

Her idea file.

She had so many ideas.

This is the presentation on that idea with me going to movie theaters,

talking to the people coming out to see what they really think.

An actual, um...

...vox populi, if you know the term.

Here's the memo on that children's show with me as the hostess

and the live, in-studio animals.

If you could look it over tonight. Give me your thoughts in the morning.

A couple of pages outlining that concept

for interviewing everyday citizens, like mailmen,

school crossing guards,

to inform our citizenry on what kind of services are available to them.

After a few months, she wore me down.

I let her do the evening weather report, which she was fine at.

With the preparation she put into it,

you'd think she was covering D-Day.

Six, five,

four, three,

two, one.

You're on.

Good evening from the WWEN Weather Center.

Weather Center?

The heavy system we were expecting

moving down from the north is not gonna show up after all,

because the high-pressure system

is going to be moving up to the north.

The temperature for tonight will remain unseasonably cool,

with patches of fog in the morning and probably...

Hey, come on. Let's have some quiet here.

...but not serious umbrella weather.

The winds are at seven to ten miles per hour and sunrise will be at 6:12.

That's it for your up-to-the-minute weather report.

This is your WWEN weather person saying

I'll be with you again tomorrow evening, rain or shine.

I never really gave a rat's ass about the weather

until I got to know Mrs. Maretto.

Now, I take it very serious.

If it rains...

or there's lightning or thunder

or if it snows

I have to jack off.

Uh... Hm...

Oh, right. Sorry.

Today's guest, Mrs. Maretto,

is a representative of our local television station, WWEN.

- On-air correspondent. - I'm sorry?

Well, actually, I'm an on-air correspondent.

Well, that's fine.

Uh, anyway, Mrs. Maretto has asked to have a few words with you,

and I know that while I'm gone, you will give her your best attention.

Here's my best attention.

Did you say something, Russell?

No, Mr. Finlaysson, I didn't.

I didn't.

Well, first of all, I would like to thank you all

for extending me the courtesy of your time and attention.

I got something to extend.

And I would like to say that I hope you'll all be as excited

about the project I'm here to propose to you as I am.

First of all, I want to ask, um,

have any of you actually ever been on television before?

Not counting home video, of course.

No one?

I was.

- What's your name? - Lydia Mertz.

And how did it happen that you made this appearance?

Oh, it was down at Benson's Electronics.

They have this video camera in the window,

and when you walk by, they take your picture.

Well, Lydia, this may come as a surprise,

but that is how some of our most famous personalities started out.

Just seeing what they look like, accidentally.

- Is that true? - Absolutely.

Now, I am producing a television documentary

about kids just like yourselves.

Because it is teenagers like you

who are the future of our nation.

And, after all, I used to be a teenager myself once,

back in the Dark Ages.

So I would like to find out about your way of life.

How you feel about your education,

how you feel about things like peer pressure,

how you feel about drugs,

um, rap music.

Pussy?

- Um...

Do we have to get permission slips from our parents for this?

No. No, that wouldn't be necessary.

Hey, Jimmy, when did your folks learn to read and write?

Hey, read this, shitface.

All right. All right.

- All right, all right, all right.

I am going to put this list on your bulletin board.

And any of you who think this project

would be as meaningful as I know it can be,

just put your names on it.

And I would also like to thank you all...

...for your interest.

- Everything settled then? - Yes.

Well, then, let's give Mrs. Maretto our thanks

and a round of applause.

- Thank you. Thank you.

Sign up.

Suzanne.

I'd never really signed up for anything before

except, um, an after-school Weight Watchers program,

which I was asked to leave anyway because they said I wasn't motivated

and because I gained 11 pounds in three weeks.

But this was different, because it turned out

to be the most important thing I ever did.

Now, here's some advice, Russell dear.

That nice Mrs. Maretto is married to a boy

whose father is a pillar of the Italian-American community.

And if he knew how you had insulted

his only beloved daughter-in-law,

he would make one phone call,

and a man with a knife would show up in the middle of the night

and turn you into a eunuch.

You know what a eunuch is, Russell? Of course you don't.

But you can find it in the dictionary.

If you don't know how to spell it, look it up under "nutless wonders."

So I'm thinking, there must be some simple way

for you to make it up to Mrs. Maretto for your offensive behavior.

What do you think? Hmm?

I'm not a eunuch.

I have to say that the staff at WWEN

responded with total enthusiasm to my project

and gave me excellent support

both editorially and technically.

I think they could sense immediately

that I was onto something important in a sociological sense.

She must've taped God knows how many hundreds of hours

with these three dorky kids,

who, from what I've seen, would have a major struggle

just reciting the days of the week in proper order.

Forget about social insights.

Here, I'll show you.

This is "Teens Speak Out" project, tape one, take one.

No, no, no.

I'm Suzanne Stone, and these are--

All right, now, let's just say something in general about ourselves.

Like what?

Like what do you plan to do with your future.

I don't exactly have a plan.

Well, you must have aspirations of some kind.

- What? - A dream, a life goal.

I can tell you Lydia's big life goal.

- Yeah? - It's to fuck the New Kids on the Block.

- That's a dirty lie. - Russell.

Russell.

I don't wanna hear language like that. It is offensive,

and it is unsuitable for broadcast under FCC regulations.

- You got that? - Yeah.

Anyways, it was Métley Crue.

All right, Lydia.

- Just for your information. - What about you, James?

James?

James.

Huh?

I think you get the point that it's not "Mike Wallace, eat your heart out.”

But I have to say I've never seen more persistence.

I, uh... I once said to her--

What about...? What about we call it a night?

Uh...

Just need to get this reel cleaned up.

An hour, maybe two. You go ahead. I'll lock up.

Don't you have that nice husband waiting at home for you?

Well, he knows how much this means to me.

He works full-time at his dad's restaurant, so he gets home real late.

Well, Suzanne, I sure pity the person who says no to you.

No one ever does.

Why are you tying her up again?

Why is she tied up again?

Just leave her alone.

Untie yourself.

Leave her alone. If she runs away--

Scripture says...

- Ouch. - ...God is the light.

- Fucker. - And that life, friends, is heaven.

Heaven is waiting for you.

James.

James.

James.

See, nobody ever called me that before.

All anyone ever called me was

Jimmy or Jimbo or other stuff.

My mom told me that I was named Jimmy

after this old movie star she liked named Jimmy Dean.

But...

Well, when anyone ever asked me, I always said that I was named Jim

after Jim Morrison of The Doors,

because, you know,

he had this great kind of life,

like, just traveling around and writing his songs

and having women beg him to do it to them,

even to take his, uh...

organ out onstage.

The kind of life that I always thought I'd like to have.

I bet he jumps her all the time, you know?

Like after dinner, just bang, right on the kitchen table.

Fucking during even.

Yeah. Maybe both.

Those skinny bitches, they can't get enough of it, you know?

They're always wanting it. That's a medical fact.

Yeah.

It's because the nerves in their body are all bunched up in their snatch.

You know what I mean? They're all right up in there, so they're all whack.

I don't think that's true.

What are you, a doctor?

She's a perfectly nice person.

You think she's gonna make you a big movie star, huh, Lydia?

Just to be on TV will be something nice.

It will be something different.

I got something different for you right here, all right?

You're a disgusting pig.

Yeah.

You know what we should do? We should get some money out of her.

- What makes you think she's got any? - What, are you shitting me?

Her husband, Mr. Fucking-Big-Cock,

owns a fucking guinea restaurant, all right?

Look at the car she drives. Look at her fucking fingernails.

Big, red, sculpted, glossy nails.

She got plenty of money. That's rich-bitch stuff.

Yeah, maybe.

You think she's some kind of hot shit, don't you?

- She just looks... - What?

Clean.

All right, come on. They're ready. Larry, Larry, Larry.

Kids, stop it.

- That's a real pretty outfit. - Oh. Thanks.

- Hey, Suze. You want one of these? - No, thanks.

No? What about one of these? You're going in the pool.

- No, thanks.

- Sure is great with those kids. - He's gotta stop eating junk.

He's getting a rubber tire around him like some old man.

He'll make a wonderful father someday.

He calls them love handles. I call them flab.

- What about you? - Me? You think I look fat?

No. What about the idea of kids?

That's what I mean.

Well, I love kids. I absolutely love them.

But a woman in my field with a baby has two strikes against her.

- Say I'm in New York, right-- - New York?

Well, for instance. And I'm suddenly called on some foreign assignment,

like a royal wedding or a revolution in South America.

You can't run from place to place with your crew

and conduct serious interviews with a big, fat stomach.

Or say you've already had the baby,

and you've got this blubber, these boobs out to here.

Oof. It's just so gross.

Hey, careful. Hey.

- Excuse me. - Hm. Nice.

You having a good time?

Well, I want to get out of the sun.

I have to go prepare my show.

I sure would like to have a couple of them around the house.

What do you think, Suze?

Suze. What do you think?

I think if you wanted a babysitter, you should've married Mary Poppins.

Hi, Ed. Wake up, George.

Let's hit it.

Hi, everybody.

This is Suzanne Stone with your late-night, sign-off weather report

from the WWEN Weather Center.

I don't think I need to tell you that today was a hot one.

That old mercury zoomed on up to 91.

That's a record-breaking temperature for this day.

Tomorrow promises to be more of the same

with relevant numbers way up in the 90's,

humidity to match, and maybe just a hint of a breeze or two.

Won't be much help with this heat, the kind of heat

that makes me want to head for that swimming hole with my friend James,

strip off everything, including my panties,

which you can see through anyway,

poke my soft, pink tongue in his mouth,

slide my hand way up the inside of his leg

until he's so hot that he rolls over on top of me,

and I'm yelling, "James," his name.

James.

James.

What are you doing to me,

with your big, fat, hard--

Oh, Jesus.

Listen to me, Larry. Okay.

So she finishes her little docudrama,

whatever the fuck it is. She sends it off to someone in New York,

and while she's waiting for an answer

you should, forgive the expression, knock her up.

Knock her up, and then--

Whoa, whoa. Whoa. Los Angeles?

What does Los Angeles got to do with it?

A course in what?

Advanced media?

Advanced bullshit, Larry.

Look, I'm sorry. You're my brother, okay?

I know you love her and you want her to succeed and all that,

but sometimes, man, you just gotta say no.

What do you mean, how? N-O, that's how.

Comes to the right, throws up a hook shot.

It's good!

And the score is again tied here in the first half at the Palace.

With the ball, Skeeter Jones brings the ball to the...

- Suzanne? ...up pass to Meadows...

- Yeah? - Jump shot on the way-- Bingo!

Unbelievable play.

What are you doing?

Just sitting here, waiting for you.

Larry, I asked you to please keep your feet off the coffee table.

We gotta talk about some things, Suzanne.

What kind of things?

I think you know what kind of things.

No. No, I don't.

Anyway, can't this wait until tomorrow? I'm really tired.

No.

What?

No, I don't think it can wait. No.

Sit down. We're gonna talk about this stuff.

The thing is, I think we got this great future ahead of us.

I just want to make sure we both understand what the priorities are.

I think Pop's gonna let me take over managing the restaurant.

And I got a lot of exciting ideas,

like introducing some new menu items

and bringing in some live music on the weekends

and maybe-- Maybe even one night a week,

open house for local singers and comics,

which you, with your TV background, you could help me with.

You know, maybe shooting the acts,

and then maybe selling the tapes,

which you could edit yourself back to the performers.

I talked to my folks about it, and they thought it'd be a great idea.

Great idea. Really.

And believe me, Suze, I am not selling short what you're doing now.

I mean, the weather report stuff,

which you're really good at.

But let's face facts.

It's probably not gonna

lead to any big network offers.

Now, this way,

we could be working together in both our respective fields,

doing what a family is supposed to be doing.

A family, that's what I'm talking about, Suze, huh?

What do you think?

Um...

I'll think about it.

It's true that the road my husband and I chose to travel on

was paved with many speed bumps.

Larry said he would never stand in my way, whatever happened.

But the word "failure" is not part of my vocabulary.

My commitment to my career or my marriage, or whatever,

has always been 110 percent.

Regardless of how fast I was growing in my vocation,

I would never leave Larry behind.

The word "divorce" was never mentioned.

Ta-da! What do you think?

- Oh. Wow. - Like the color?

- Yeah. - It doesn't make me look fat?

- No. - I think I'm gonna get it.

Oh, Jesus. Mr. Maretto is going to--

Mr. Maretto? Pfft. Yeah, right.

Let me tell you something, Liddy.

- No. No, you wouldn't understand. - Maybe I would.

Well, you grow up, you know?

You think it's all gonna be like a fairy tale.

Like you're Sleeping Beauty and along comes this Prince Charming.

And he looks at you, and it's nighttime.

And he smiles at you and kisses you.

Yeah, I know that story.

And then...

Then you wake up,

and it's daylight,

and you look at him.

It's just when you work all day, trying to perfect yourself

and create something meaningful, you expect support.

Does anyone say, "Did you have a good shoot?" Or "How's the editing?"

Or anything of that nature?

I guess not.

No.

I mean, the point is,

Larry is a nice guy, you know.

But he just doesn't know a thing about television.

Let's get out of here.

Mrs. Maretto bought me lots of nice stuff,

like this ankle bracelet, for instance.

And a bottle of real expensive perfume.

A "scent," she called it,

which I'm saving for a special occasion.

No one ever really bought me stuff before

except my mom's boyfriend, Chester,

who got me for my birthday, when I was 12,

a bottle of something called Garden of Eden body oil,

which he said would be good for my skin

and which he wanted to show me how to use,

which I let him do.

He did other things for a while.

When I was 13, I got this mild case of T.B.,

and he wasn't so interested anymore.

You just have to block that out of your memory

like some scary TV movie where you change the channel

and you pretend like it never happened.

- The whole thing will be like a bad dream. - Yeah.

Anyway, my mom keeps this gun hidden up in her closet

because of all the sex-fiend killers around.

And one time, I told him if he didn't leave me alone,

I'd get it out and I'd shoot him.

Oh.

I mean, he didn't give me any more trouble or anything.

Now I guess I wish I hadn't told her all that

because maybe it put some ideas in her mind or something.

I don't know.

I just told her stuff I'd never told anyone, because she was my friend.

She was my only real friend.

Where are you going?

Oh, I told you, hon.

Pop and I are going up to the trade show in Freeport.

We're leaving from the restaurant. I told you.

Yeah. Right. Right.

- Look, are you gonna be okay? - Sure.

Suze, will you think about what we talked about?

I have been.

That's great, hon,

because I believe I got something here that's really gonna work.

And you know who I want with me by my side, don't you?

- Who? - Who? My best girl, that's who.

My beautiful little lady.

Look, I left the phone number on the fridge.

And don't forget to lock the garage.

Bye.

Hi.

You know what I'm thinking, Larry?

Why don't we get some artificial plants for the restaurant?

Good idea.

We don't have to water them.

Exactly.

Come on, Lydia.

I can't do this, Mrs. Maretto.

Yeah, of course you can.

You just have to let your natural sense of rhythm take over.

I don't think I have one of those.

- Yeah, she really stinks at this. - Here.

Watch me. Watch me.

Watch my hips.

You can do that.

- Can't you?

- I can't do that. - Of course you can.

You just have to move. Move your body.

Come on.

Come on. Relax.

Relax. You're like a stick.

- I can't do this. - Move your hips.

No, I gotta sit down. This is-- This is making me feel all funny.

Come on, James.

Come on.

Over here.

Come on, James.

I'm dancing.

Liddy?

Yeah?

- Would you do me an enormous favor? - Sure. What?

Walter hasn't been out for hours.

Would you take him for a walk around the block?

- Yeah. Sure. - I'm gonna go upstairs.

Take my sweater off.

- It's really hot in here. - Yeah.

When you come back, I'll fix us something to eat.

Okay.

Oh, and Liddy?

Don't let him come back until he's done his business, okay?

Like a good little boy.

I'm back.

Hello?

I have to use the bathroom.

JLet'sdoitd

Oh, yeah.

It was like I was in one of those--

Okay, you know those great movies

where everyone is coming out of their graves?

With, like, half their faces missing

and their eyes hanging out and their lips falling off?

You know those?

I think I'll get sick.

And they're all walking around

like, real slow like this.

They're all walking like this and kind of grunting.

Oh. Let's get our photo taken.

Oh, this will be great.

And they're all looking for the same thing.

For regular live people, to eat their flesh

and drink their blood and all.

Come on, James. Smile. Smile.

And they can't help themselves

because they're dead

and that's just what happens.

That's what I felt like.

- You gotta tell me what's wrong, please.

James, do you think about me when we're not together?

All I do is think about you.

When I'm not with you, I'm not alive.

Mrs. Maretto,

you're the best thing that ever happened to me.

I can't do this anymore.

What?

I can't go home every night and have him try to touch me.

And all the time I'm just thinking about you.

About us.

And when I push him away, he has this temper.

What do you mean?

Does he hurt you?

Oh.

There were these women, you know,

on The Sally Jesse Raphael Show the other day.

They were all wearing disguises so their husbands couldn't find them.

They were living in shelters, and I thought I could live in one of them.

If they let me bring Walter with me, I could live in one of them.

- No. Listen to me. - Someplace in another state

where no one even knows who I am.

Look. Couldn't you just get a divorce?

- And then-- - But then he would get the condo.

And he'd get the car. And he'd take Walter from me.

- He'd take Walter. - Listen.

I know you think I'm just a kid, but...

I could never do anything bad to you...

or ever hurt you.

A guy that does that to someone like you

- doesn't deserve to live.

That's the truth. He doesn't deserve to live.

No. I suppose you're right.

He doesn't.

Oh, fuck! I love this song!

Don't you love this song?

I don't know.

Whoo!

Mrs. Maretto used to let me drive around in her car

even though I didn't even have a learner's permit.

Because she said when she'd be living in California

and doing her TV shows, she'd make me her assistant,

and I'd have to drive her around places

and help her answer her personal fan mail.

I guess this is the most exciting time of my life.

It was like living in a really great movie

except it was kind of X-rated

on account of all the sex stuff, you know?

Hey. Don't stop.

You didn't answer my question.

What question was that?

Did you talk to Russell?

Uh... Yeah, I did.

Well, what did he say?

He wants a thousand dollars.

- Is that all? - And some CDs.

- Oh, come on. - Did you get the gun?

No, not yet.

Why not?

I don't know. I guess I thought you'd ask Lydia or--

I can't ask Liddy. You have to ask Liddy.

Don't you understand?

I guess so, but I thought--

Do you want me to keep doing what I was doing?

- Yeah, please. - Okay.

Then you have to do what you have to do.

Oh, God.

- Oh. - So when will it happen?

Oh, come on. Please don't--

- I just want to know when. - Let's just do this.

- I don't know. Whenever. Jesus. - Oh.

Look, if you don't know, I guess I'll have to find somebody who does.

Oh. Mrs. Maretto, you have to understand.

- This-- - No. I think I do understand.

Obviously, you're not the mature individual that I thought you were.

No.

Actually, I just had a thought.

Maybe a better way to go on the whole thing.

What's that?

Russell.

What about him?

Russell's enough of a man to take charge of the situation.

- Well-- - He looks at me in a certain way.

I think he'd be very appreciative of what I could do for him.

What do you think?

I think we could probably do it next week.

Is that soon enough?

Would you really do that for me, James?

Anything.

Oh.

And then we can be together.

And you can sleep over.

And we could do anything we wanna do.

- Anything? - Yeah.

Anything.

- Got it? - Yeah, Angela, stand back.

Tell me if it's straight.

Oh. It looks great.

Hey, Walter.

Five.

Walter.

Four.

Come on, boy.

Let's go for a walk.

Three.

Walter.

Two.

One.

Hi, everybody.

- This is Suzanne Stone, live. - What do you want?

Don't fucking move.

Just take whatever you want and get out.

Come on, Jimmy. Now.

- Wait.

Just wait.

- Okay, take the watch. It's a Rolex. - I know it's a fucking Rolex.

Think it's the first time I've seen a Rolex? Give me your fucking chain.

- Hey. - Give me your chain.

You've probably noticed it's been another beautiful evening

with a slight chill in the air

and those autumn temperatures right about where they should be.

Now, Jim. Now. Do it.

- No, no. No, please. - No, wait. Give me your ring.

- My ring? - Give it to me.

Look, man, I can't give you my ring.

My wife will kill me, man.

She'd kill you? Suzanne would kill you?

Hey, you know my wife?

The good news is--

Jimmy, now. Do it.

Now. Fucking now, asshole. Do it.

God, forgive me.

So for the next few days, it should be just about perfect

football season weather.

Well, that's about it for tonight. I'm Suzanne Stone saying--

I'll see you tomorrow, rain or shine.

And if you'll allow me, just a personal note.

Um, a special greeting to my husband, Larry,

on this, our first anniversary.

Good night, honey.

Come on. Come on.

Hello.

Oh, God!

- Folks, that's it.

Hello.

Anything?

We got a little dirt. Who knows?

- And this. - What?

I don't know.

Feels like pieces of shell.

- Janice Maretto? - Yeah, that's me.

- Telephone call at the desk. - Oh, okay.

Hello.

Oh, you'll be fine.

What?

Oh.

That was terrific.

Thank you.

Hey, wake up.

We're open right now.

All Saturday night around the clock.

Was there an incident at the restaurant?

Some guy come in and drink too much

- or said something to him? - No.

Five-piece, all-wood dinettes in Colonial, oak and white.

Your choice, 297.

Complete king bed set: mattress, box, frame, 297.

- That's Tom Peterson. - And Gloria too.

And that concludes our broadcast day at WWEN.

Your community access station serving Little Hope

and the greater Hope County area.

You don't have to talk to those people if you don't want to.

That's what surprised me.

That he didn't put up much of a fight.

I mean, for a guy with such a mean temper.

When I was standing in the hall

with the gun,

I was trying to keep from being too nervous

by thinking about Mrs. Maretto

and how we'd be together for the rest of our lives.

Let us take leave of our brother.

Living in California, Florida, somewhere,

lying around on beaches where everyone goes topless

and working on her TV show.

When the love of Christ, which conquers all things,

destroys even death itself.

Amen.

I just knew.

I don't know why I knew. I just-- I just knew.

It was like a light just went off in my head, and I knew she'd--

I knew she just got rid of him.

Just got in her way.

Anyway, um...

So, um...

Yeah, and then I didn't see her again. That was the last time I saw her.

Suzanne.

I'm sorry. Could we--?

Could we stop for a second?

- What do you want, Liddy? - Just to talk.

Look, I'm really busy right now. What do you want to talk about?

- What we're gonna do. "We"?

You and me and Jimmy.

- I'm scared. - There's nothing to be scared about.

You and I and Jimmy are gonna stay miles away from each other.

- That's what we're gonna do. - Well, he's here.

Here? Shit, where?

Across the street.

Jesus Christ. Get in here.

Get in here quick.

Now, you listen to me. You tell James to stay away, all right?

What is the matter with you people? Don't you watch Mystery Theater?

He says that he needs to see you and that he's dying of love.

Tell him to call a doctor.

And Russell wants his money and his CDs.

Oh. Really? You tell Russell if he doesn't keep his mouth shut,

he's gonna be playing his CDs in the gas chamber.

- Suzanne. - What else? What do you want?

Just to be like before, like we were.

Lydia, we can't be like we were.

We have to forget we ever knew each other.

Go on, get out of here.

What about the TV show in California and everything?

Jesus, Liddy. Get real.

God.

What happened? What did she say?

She said she didn't want to see you anymore.

She said you gotta stay away.

- Did you tell her I love her? - Yes, I did.

She said you were sick and you needed to see a doctor.

Ed. Ed.

Hello, Suzanne.

- Look-- - How's it going?

Ed, I'm real unhappy

I haven't been able to give you an exclusive on everything.

- Pardon? - I mean--

There's all these news markets just clamoring for attention,

and I have to consider future possibilities.

Oh. Oh. Of course. You know, I understand, absolutely.

Good. Good. Ed, I need to collect my tapes.

With the publicity, I've decided to finish my documentary--

There's gonna be a slight problem.

- Problem? - The cops took them.

- What do you mean? - They came and took them away.

Why would they do that?

- They said it was standard procedure. - But those tapes belong to me!

Well, technically speaking, Suzanne, those tapes actually belong to us.

I mean, to the station, until such time--

I'll show you the section that piqued the cops' interest, you might say.

Today we're talking about sexually transmitted diseases

and teenage attitudes toward them.

Would anyone like to start it off?

Uh... Personally, I'm against them.

Let's see if we can be more specific.

What do you think of when I say the word "AIDS"?

- Queers. - Perversion.

The old Hershey highway.

Settle down, children.

What about you, Liddy?

Supposing you were in a sexual relationship with a student.

Would you expect that person to wear a condom?

Uh... I don't know. I mean...

I guess it would depend on, you know, what kind of person he was.

Yeah, a blind person.

How about you, James?

Are you personally concerned about AIDS?

Oh, um...

Well, in my present situation--

Well, in the relationship I got going,

I don't worry about that type of thing.

She's not that kind of person.

She's very clean.

That's the piece Geraldo used with some minor editing.

And it was on First Edition and American Justice.

We made a few bucks on this one, and got a nice credit.

...in the Holy Spirit, I want you to bow down.

Arms straight up.

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for my life.

Think a little bit about your life. Think about what you can part with.

A dollar? Ten dollars? A hundred dollars?

How important is Jesus in your life?

As you can imagine...

I was shocked beyond comprehension.

I mean, to think that these disadvantaged youngsters

who I had taken under my wing and spent my time with

and who would only stand to ultimately benefit

from my media savvy.

To think that they might be responsible for this heinous crime?

It simply boggles one with disbelief.

Of course, I realized,

and I hope this doesn't sound callous,

that the upside to all this, assuming justice prevailed,

is that I would have in my documentary an extremely marketable commodity.

Something that even PBS would take an interest in.

Which would mean a smaller audience

but a much larger prestige factor.

- Want to tell us about it? - I got nothing to tell.

- Your friend Russell told us plenty. - Like what?

He said your dick was bigger than your brain.

Oh, yeah? He really said that?

I don't think he meant it as a compliment.

Fucking amateurs.

- Who? - Listen, as career criminals,

you guys flunk out of kindergarten.

Your prints are on the gun.

Your pal left a trail of clam shells all over the murder scene.

You boys did everything but leave a business card.

Larry Maretto's blood is all over those shoes you wore.

- Yeah. - And pieces of Larry's brains.

He-- He used to beat her up all the time.

Uh-huh.

- He said he was gonna kill her. - I'm sure he did.

We were going to California because

she said I had real potential in TV because of my voice.

- Doing what with your voice? - Sports.

Like being a sports announcer.

So when did you start banging her?

- It wasn't like that. - What was it like?

It was just--

We were--

You were what?

In love.

We were in love.

How many times? How many times did you do it, you and Mrs. Maretto?

I don't know.

- Lots, I guess. - Where?

In her bed? In her and her dead husband's bed?

Yeah, sometimes.

Where else?

In her car.

- In her car? - Yeah.

And once at school.

Jesus Christ. At school, huh?

Yeah. In the back of the gym.

And once, late at night at the station where she does her weather reports.

And twice at the motel on Piedmont.

Oh, and the back of Russell's truck.

And the movie theater on Hayworth.

Oh, a couple times at her parents' house

when they were away on some vacation or something.

And...

Also in the field behind the gas station.

But, uh...

Probably where you get your doughnuts and coffee and stuff.

It's close.

Suzanne?

Hi, Liddy.

Is it my imagination, or is that diet working, huh?

You lost a few pounds in there?

I don't know. I haven't been eating much lately.

What's this about talking to the police?

I just figured that Russell would tell them everything, so--

Look. No one's gonna believe anything Russell or Jimmy say.

They're just a couple of punks.

They wouldn't be in this deep shit if they kept their mouths shut.

There's no evidence that we're involved.

I wasn't anywhere near the house.

And if they did find out anything, you know who'd be in trouble, don't you?

- You would. - What do you mean?

If you hadn't gotten your mother's gun, Larry would still be alive, wouldn't he?

- But you asked me to. - No, I didn't.

No. Jimmy did. Don't you remember that?

But you asked Jimmy, and you told Russell that you'd pay.

No, I don't think so.

Now, you listen to me.

I never gave Russell any money. Do you understand?

The way I remember, it was your plan all along. You and Jimmy.

You had this fixation about me, and you were getting a kick out of it,

like people with your sexual problems tend to do.

Russell went along with you because Russell is basically

an evil little fucking scumbag,

who, I'll bet, you were having some kind of sex with

in spite of your lesbian tendencies.

- Wait a minute! - Wait for what?

I thought we were friends.

Well, okay, then.

Hm?

Can you take some advice from a friend?

You keep your fucking mouth shut.

It's their word against mine. Who are they?

A bunch of 16-year-old losers who grew up in trailers,

whose parents sit around drinking and screwing their cousins.

I'm a professional person, for chrissake.

I come from a good home.

Who do you think a jury would believe?

Thank God we still have legal procedures in this country.

The court has wisely ruled this is a clear case of police entrapment.

The tapes were found to be inadmissible evidence in the courtroom.

My client was granted bail in the amount of $200,000,

which was steep, but at least she will be able to assist us

in the preparation of her defense.

Do you have a statement? You have something you'd like to say?

Suzanne. Suzanne, please say something.

I just wanna say--

It's nice to live in a country

where life, liberty...

and all the rest of it still stand for something.

- Thank you.

What are you gonna do now?

I'm gonna go home and walk my dog. Thank you.

How are you gonna address the questions?

Will you take the stand in your defense?

Suzanne, did you get those kids to kill your husband?

I loved Larry Maretto...

with all my heart.

But the fact is...

my husband had a serious cocaine problem.

There.

I've said it.

I finally said it.

I believe that while I was making my documentary

"Teens Speak Out,"

James and Russell became acquainted

with my husband without me knowing

and got him addicted to drugs

and became his main supplier.

And when he tried to break free of them,

or maybe when he told them

that he was thinking of turning them in to the law...

they killed him.

I had no intention of revealing this dark side

of my late husband's character...

because I wanted to spare his parents the pain.

But I just don't have a choice anymore.

I have to defend myself with the truth.

There were times when--

And I know someday, when my fight is over,

I will be joining my husband

in the heaven that he so fervently believed in.

And that was the last time that we--

The last time we saw her.

And that...

That pretty well brings us up to date.

Until your phone call,

which I must say wasn't entirely unexpected,

since in the last few days a number of interesting offers for my story

have been literally pouring in from the networks

and some major movie studios.

I totally understand why we'll be keeping this meeting confidential

until such time as we may come to a mutually beneficial agreement.

And I have to admit

that I really do enjoy

this spy-story aspect of our first rendezvous, if I may call it that.

Because I think that being a good investigative reporter

is very much like being a kind of secret agent.

I hope you enjoy viewing this document,

which I believe could serve as the first draft

that you Hollywood people are so richly rewarded for.

Well, I guess that's a wrap.

Come on, Walter.

- Suzanne? - Yes.

Finally. The famous Suzanne Maretto.

- Oh. - How nice to meet you.

Ow.

Did you come all the way from Hollywood?

I came a long distance to see you.

Who's this?

Oh.

This is Walter.

Walter. Hi, Walter.

I don't know why, but I thought that you'd be older

running a big studio and everything.

Well, I am older.

- Oh.

Come on out. I want to show you something.

Okay.

You know, I brought my tape.

Let's go. Let's go for a walk. Come on.

Whoa.

Where are we going?

To show you.

What?

Whoa.

It has to do with your story. It is so funny.

- I don't see why we have to go here. - Yeah.

- And this is for you. - Thank you very much.

- You're welcome. - It looks good. Thanks, Mrs. Maretto.

Maretto's.

I understand.

Thank you.

I'll be here every day for life.

Plus thirty years, if I live that long.

Russell copped a plea and got only 16 years.

I miss him.

He was my friend.

And Lydia too. She was okay.

Mostly Mrs. Maretto.

And the weird thing is

now it's hard for me to even remember what she looked like.

You know?

Except when I dream about her,

which I do every night.

I dream I'm at a baseball game,

and I'm way up in the broadcasting booth.

And I'm calling all the plays.

And she's sitting right next to me...

with her hand on my leg, feeling me up.

I can hardly wait to get to sleep at night.

Suzanne used to say that you're not really anybody in America

unless you're on TV.

Because what's the point of doing anything worthwhile

if there's nobody watching?

So when people are watching, it makes you a better person.

So if everybody was on TV all the time,

everybody would be better people.

But if everybody was on TV all the time,

there wouldn't be anybody left to watch.

That's where I get confused.

Anyhow, they're flying me to go on Oprah next weekend.

I hope she's gonna give me some diet tips.

And Phil Donahue called too.

To tell you the truth, I'm kind of nervous about that one

because I honestly can't follow what he's saying most of the time.

There's some others too that I can't really remember offhand.

It's really something when you think that I'm the one who's gonna be famous.

Suzanne would die if she knew.

End sticks.