Original subtitles

Wallace!

What are you waiting on?

A trail of rose petals, Princess?

Let's go!

We've got a game to win!

Get your hands off the earth!

Promise me, you'll take me with you to college, to the NFL, to a giant mansion

with a giant pool that has a fat hot tub that's connected to this giant pool so I

can swim from hot to cold whenever I want.

Yes.

I love you, Stacy.

It holds ten songs.

I put all our favorites on it.

Let us change your life, kid.

Our little secret!

I can't move across the whole country.

I only left Eastbrook twice.

Who is?

Once for a game in Wickelsburg and then... Whiskey!

Once in Wickelsburg by accident.

Whiskey!

I should probably mark Wickelsburg better.

Son, let me tell you a little story about the Beatles.

They played about 250 shows in all these little

shitholes in and around the city of Hamburg.

And you know how they became the biggest band in the world?

Practice?

They left Hamburg.

Nope.

Why don't you go dance with Ted Kim?

Are you serious?

Yeah.

He looks lonely.

America needs its traditions.

Hold

the ancient wine.

Skank?

Jane Morris just said I've had more holes filled in her grandpa's bowling ball.

What?

God, take me home.

Yeah.

I probably shouldn't because, you know, I'm a little... I don't think I'm too

going too drudger drunk.

I can drive you quarter-briar.

Yeah!

Oh, I love you, Ted Kim!

Ted Kim!

Here in Eastbrook makes you run faster, Wallace!

Now suit up and kill Wickelsburg!

Are you MetroCamps acting up?

Hey, all-American, get over here!

All-state quarterback, Wallace

we need to talk.

We'll see if Wallace can pull himself together on this drive.

Eastbrook needs this W against Wickelsburg.

And break.

Oh, awful snap!

Wallace is scrambling!

And

and... and... and

and

and

oh, a tragedy tonight in Eastbrook.

The

best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting... whiskey.

Could it be that we have been this way before

I know you don't think that I am trying

I know you wearing thin down to the... congratulate.

Shits.

Hold your breath

because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you

don't make me change my mind... I won't live to see another day

I swear it's true

because a girl like you is impossible to find

impossible to find

I always swore to you I'd never fall apart

always thought that I was stronger

I may have failed but I have loved you from the start

oh.

It's a trap

because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you

don't make me change my mind... I swear it's true

we can only be friends

let me turn around and undress... and

it's only then that I realise that... just have to run... Shut up,

and this is the first sentence... c請 нe было

with my right hand... to ride this horse... but this isn't the story

you won't know how to love anyone..

Even if you didn't apply yourself.

I bet there's a lot more you could offer Eastbrook High.

Forget

forget your preconceptions about bacterial reproduction because most of

it's asexual which, you know, you kids should all be.

You know, until true love or whatever.

Um... and use protection.

Okay!

Let's see what kind of nasty bugs live in our mouths.

I just need everybody to spit in this... That's what your mom said.

G-tree.

Hey, come on guys.

Phones away.

We have important things to do.

Mr. Wallace?

Yeah, Grace?

What's on our phones is important.

Why aren't we talking about the ick?

Okay, Grace.

Let's talk about the ick.

There's no worry.

It's the origin story for ick.

We didn't watch it arrive on a meteor or escape from a government lab.

It's just... here.

At first we hardly noticed.

But each day, year by year, it kept growing.

It doesn't move, at least we don't think.

It's stationary as a plant.

Growing, spreading slowly.

It's omnipresent but not bothersome enough that cars can't drive down the street.

People can't go about their usual routines.

Most folks choose to ignore the ick altogether.

Hoping it just goes away.

Especially with rumors swirling that it's starting to attack.

All right.

Bring up your future dishes on the desk, please.

Have a good day.

Hey, Grace.

How's your mom?

Fine, Mr. Wallace.

Oh, that's good.

That's good.

How's your mom?

Dead.

Only

consenting to 2000's music.

Did you say Charlie's TikTok about how the ick is pure gluten?

What's gluten?

Check this out, Jasmine.

Straight-up video of the asteroid that brought the ick.

That's the scene from the movie Armageddon.

We have to take this problem seriously, not turn it into a meme.

Look, the ick is just frankenfood GMO set free from Monsanto lab.

That's why I only eat organic.

Bro!

Cults will appropriate much?

I'm a 64th Cherokee with receipts, and I'm telling you, Jay Guava wouldn't

approve of your capitalistic colonial mindset, son.

Come on.

Almost lost my appetite.

Principal Macon reminds us at

the end that jokes of it resembling his

wife's slimy lady parts will not be tolerated.

Wheel ick affect the primary.

We're joined now by our political panel.

Clearly, the ick disproportionately affects black and brown voters.

Well, I heard the ick started in China.

Bad eating weirdos.

Maybe the government will send a team to help clean it up.

Well, we're definitely not getting any help before Vickersburg.

Hola, Mr. Hank.

Hola, Senorita.

Diaz?

Mi abuela.

She's a...

How do you say bruja?

Your grandma likes to make beer?

What a surprise coming from the ick worshipping leftist cabal.

You kidding me?

Bruja is a witch.

Mi abuela bruja says the ick is a gift from

the gods to cure our infernal global warming.

Come on.

The ick won't save us, Sofia.

It's... It's... It's vicious.

Are you staring at my boobs?

No, I wasn't staring at your boobs.

That is so inappropriate.

It was a feature.

Did you kidding me again?

The ick does not move, mi amor.

Well, I know what I saw.

Yes, you did.

The worst thing ick removal on the American voters is government overreach.

Well, you're right, especially when the data is

clear that vitamin D is an effective... Oh, my God.

I'm pregnant.

Have some class, you piece of sh...

Prom tickets are now available, and so am I, taking all offers, even Chester's.

I'm very lonely.

Hello, Griffin.

If he takes you to prom, you'll let him play with your boobs.

Okay.

Wait, what?

No.

You want to spend another summer doing steampunk cosplay at the Ren Faire?

How are we friends?

Hi.

Hey.

I want you to draw on.

Wow, that's really good.

What kind of monkey is that?

Uh, it's a regular monkey.

Huh.

Prom's coming up.

I'll let you play with my...

Never mind.

Let's go.

You ladies are moving slower than these car tentacles.

That's racist.

Atta boy.

I'm bored.

Is the ick gonna do anything?

It's been here, like, two months.

Jaslyn, the ick's been here for years.

Huh.

So I guess I just never really noticed what it's doing here.

What's anything?

This town sucks.

Hey!

You girls smoking?

No.

Eek's prune highs nature club reminds you it's hug or treat day.

The cancel club reminds you to first ask permission from the tree.

Remember, consent first, then hug.

I'm good.

Just takes a second.

I wrote a new poem, Industrial Love Stink No.

3.

Going for that Ginsberg vibe.

I mean, it's whatevs.

We're on like 13 seconds, so I don't care or anything.

But I'll probably minor in poetry when we get to Overland next year.

I'm not going.

Babe, what, you're gonna get off the wait list?

A wait list is a slow-motion swipe left of college admissions.

I'm not leaving Eastbrook.

I'm staying here.

I just want to grow fat and old eating Velveeta

sandwiches like the rest of the proletariat.

Just drop me off with my parents.

Hank, heaven knows I hate to jinx a sale.

But doesn't it seem kind of stupid for a D-R-U-N-K to buy B-A-R?

Honey, Hank's smarter than he looks.

Thanks, Hank.

Do you guys think so?

You think the ick is in the plumbing and we're all drinking it?

Probably.

Congratulations, Hank.

Cool.

Thank you.

Are we done?

Can we go home now?

Grace, don't be rude.

Grace has been down in the dumps ever since she got wait listed at Overland.

Thanks, Dad.

Tell the world what a loser I am.

There is no shame here.

As an Asian American, Grace had to score 150 points higher on the SATs than her

Caucasian counterparts just to be considered for the same Ivy League.

Now she wants to skip college entirely.

Yes, parents.

Tell me more about me.

Oh, yeah.

Delaying life never really works out.

That's why we see the dentist every six months.

Sage wisdom from your totes fave teach.

Mrs. Brown is my totes fave teach.

Mrs. Brown has bleeding gums.

Grace is a Capricorn.

January 10th.

She hates unmet goals.

January?

No, Grace was born in February.

Grace is... Grace, are you not a Pisces?

I do!

Free my lungs up and try to get through!

Don't tell Ted!

We're closed!

Why don't we celebrate?

December.

November.

October.

Fish.

Mercury.

Rice.

Carbs.

Chinese.

She was conceived in April, not May.

MSG.

April, not May.

All Asian food will kill you, hon.

We're Asian, dad.

I don't think so.

Uh, I... I don't think that, uh, Asian food is so bad.

You know?

I read it.

So I learned.

Oh, shoot.

Well...

You never know.

So I said to the salesman, this doesn't look like Mojave Ivory Metallic to me.

And he said, Ted, you've got a real nose for detail.

This is Iridium Ivory Metallic.

And since we fouled up and sold the Mojave Ivory Metallic to a coke dealer in.

Wickelsburg, you can have the Iridium Ivory Metallic intended for him with full

bulletproof UV-protected windows at no extra charge.

Louis Vuitton pepper spray.

For you to fend off handsy college boys.

Hopefully you still get to use it.

Think about what you're saying for just like one goddamn second, Mom.

Grace, wouldn't you agree you need to invest in your future?

Sweetheart, Dr. Kirk asked you to stop lecturing in the form of a question.

Darling, do you recall Dr. Kirk asking you to recognize my need to process

information my way?

That's wonderful, dear.

It's delightful having an expert's opinion on your compulsive need for expensive toys.

Angel, Dr. Kirk says my desire for beautiful things

is natural and healthy.

Oh, well, I hope your car doesn't turn into a pumpkin.

Pumpkin?

Jesus!

Stop nice fighting.

Who cares about tans and luxury cars?

There's a monster on the lawn.

Monster... swing?

So the egg does move.

UV light.

Fascinating, Captain.

All right, Hank.

It's go time.

Stacey's mom has got it going on.

She's all I want and I've waited for so long.

Stacey, can't you see?

Live from NYC, the Ick Challenge.

What the hell?

Despite the viral TikTok trends we've seen in America, school health officials ask

you to not lick the ick.

And for the love of God, do not dick the ick.

This is what we in the industry call a kick-ass letter of recommendation.

From your toad's sec-fave teach.

After Mrs. Gingivitis.

Grace, no, it's to help you get off the wait list.

My parents must be super desperate to talk you into this.

Grace, hey, you know the Beatles, right?

The what?

The Beatles.

The Beatles spent three years in Hamburg, okay?

But do you know how they became the best band in the world?

They had a unique dual songwriting team in Lennon and McCartney that accepted

constructive criticism resulting in albums with few fillers alongside innovative

marketing with concept albums and music videos.

That's good.

Grace, you have so much potential.

That's the polite way of saying I'm not good enough the way I am.

Yachtoon, you're a whore.

The participants for the non-binary rally for Haiti and the kill all groomers bank

sale must stay 50 yards away from each other.

Raider at my place tonight.

Big rose pine booze.

Pass it on.

Hey!

Raider at my place tonight.

You know, Sofia, I've been practicing my Spanish.

And I thought, maybe, perhaps you might tutor me?

Paquito.

Paquito.

Quiero montar esta noche en mi cuchi.

Sucio!

Do you use such filthy words to seduce Bryce Kim?

Oh, yeah.

Ehh, cuchi!

Cuchi!

Say it ain't so.

I will not go.

Turn the lights off.

Carry me home.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Hey, Miaui!

I know you still alive!

There you go, buddy.

Hey, buddy.

That's better.

Oh, hey.

Long time, friend.

But, uh, bar's not even open yet.

Don't you have any booze?

Whiskey.

Okay.

One more.

Cuttin' ya off.

I'm gonna call you doctor, right?

Yeah.

Drink deep this nectar of the gods.

Fear not the plague.

Use a rubber.

Bro, you gotta tell me which of these bitches are legal.

Sarah Q.

Ashley T.

Tia Tara.

Mackenzie G.

Mackenzie F.

Tori Zoe.

Amber Kelby.

Why does Mr. Wallace even give a shit anyway?

Who does he think he is?

Maybe she's had enough.

I'm fine.

Why don't you go find Heather?

She is madly in love with you.

Don't be a cop.

Hey, guys.

Guys.

Hey, Wallace?

Aw man.

Guys, you won't believe it, I can't even explain

why there was a cat and a man in the Hick.

The Hick.

The Hick is harmless.

Hey.

Why don't you take a ride with us?

We're about to bust up a high school kicker

at the homeboy's house and steal their beer.

Party like we're 18 again.

We even brought an old friend.

Behold

the ancient one.

Oh, well, we did have fun back in the day, boys, but I'm gonna

have to say that I'm a little too old for that these days.

And you know, just saying this as a friend,

sometimes you gotta admit when you have a problem.

I'm afraid we cannot allow you to be such a wet blanket!

The old Hank Wallace was a dope bro.

What's with all this wee-wee-wee-wee-wee stuff?

He never turned down the opportunity to get turned up.

Not a lot of the old Hank left these days, boys.

Well, we got a big surprise for you, Hanky.

She's been asking for you, Hank.

Sophia.

Mr. Hank.

Mi amor.

I don't think so.

En español, por favor.

Just one second.

Parte pa' con el futuro!

No, no, no, gracias, no sexo.

Yeah.

For a 넌, señor.

Venga, venga!

Let's go.

Come on, D 'Arcy.

C'mon, D'arcy.

C'mon!

Get back!

C'mon, Hank!

Let free Liam!

Our glory days!

Pretty sure you dicks are possessed.

Possessed?

It's an ugly word,

for such a beautiful experience.

The icksies are value.

It's overwhelming and numbing at the same time.

Yeah.

That's why we gotta leave Eastbrook.

Eastbrook?

No!

I'm talking about the Ick.

I think the Ick is watching us.

Did you see Celeste just rocking cornrows on Insta?

Someone has to stop her.

This isn't a joke, Dylan.

No.

It isn't, Grace.

Cultural colonialism is literal violence.

The Ick never stole the hair of my people.

Look, I'm just... I'm gonna go make the rounds.

So then who were you snapping?

Was it that nose guard from Wickelsburg?

Backstabbing, huh?

Hey, girl.

Idiot.

Grace, listen to me.

The cops are coming to break up the party at Hobart's.

If you're there, you need to leave now.

Okay?

You're in danger.

In case I never see you again, I need you to know that I

I might be your dad.

Hey!

Oh, we had sex that one time, and trust me.

You ain't nobody's daddy, okay?

Didn't you say you was moving to Kansas?

It's just not...

Yeah, this is not a good time.

I gotta go.

I'm in Kansas.

Mesmerizing and so hypnotizing I am.

Captivated I am.

Vindicated!

I am selfish!

I am wrong!

I am right!

I swear I'm right!

I swear I knew you were wrong!

Thanks for saying you liked it.

My monkey.

Your regular monkey?

All right, Darcy.

Time to remove the heat from you... to me.

Killing people.

It's eating them alive.

Everyone has to get to safety.

Minister Wallace, I know a man who could use

a beer when I see one who grabs herself a cup.

God damn it!

Do you kids all want to be zombies?

And not the cool, sexy kind like in Harry Potter.

J.K.

Rowling sucks.

I'm talking the demonic, soulless type.

Grace!

Grace!

Get out of here.

We gotta go.

What the hell?

Take your pervy mental off her.

Look, Dylan, I don't expect you to understand.

I just have to get her out of here.

So, Grace... Oh, I get it.

You screwed the mom, now you gotta screw the daughter.

That's some real Freudian noise.

Weird old imp.

Hey, don't be ableist!

Okay.

Look, just because you threw a ball a billion years ago, doesn't make you special.

I can throw a ball, and when I'm gone, someone else will throw a ball.

Nothing means nothing.

Go!

Grace, please!

Get lost, loser.

Get lost, loser!

Get lost, loser!

Get lost, loser!

Get lost, loser!

Get lost, loser!

Right when it was just getting good.

That's gotta hurt.

Am I right?

I think the way Jason talks to you is totally misogynistic.

I mean, calling you a hoe?

Personally, I don't see gender, but if I did, I would worship women.

That doesn't make any sense.

Gender binary doesn't make sense to me.

What about Grace?

Monogamy is a tool of the patriarchy to keep women oppressed and survive.

Now let's get nasty.

You are gonna bang a teenager, stud.

How much are you gonna miss all these knuckleheads after you graduate?

Well, my favorite French modernist, Marcel Lachard, said,

we give each other memories when we leave each other.

Yeah, I have no idea what you just said.

And that is why you are the coolest girl in Eastbrook.

Hey, something just grabbed my leg!

I'm not falling for that again, douche-knuckle.

No, I'm serious!

I'm going to Picklesburg next weekend.

I've never been.

It's a Capuchin.

What?

My regular monkey.

It's called a Capuchin.

I like that.

That wasn't me!

W, is someone watching you tinkle?

Listen up, scum-suck.

Exposing pedos is extremely our shit.

What the heck?

You'll get a chance to make your way home first.

And I'll see you there.

Oh, you're a really good partner in this game.

Yeah, I will, man.

Muah!

Hey, you're the best.

Yeah, you're the best.

Thank you all for being here.

My name is Dr. Althea Prentice and I am in

charge of the federal IT response in this state.

Now the governor has spoken to your mayor and we have

been ordered out of Eastbrook to our main mission.

But we are not abandoning you, Eastbrook.

I'm leaving behind a contingent to fortify this building.

I suggest that you stay inside there.

We cannot help you if you go outside.

Deep state.

What could be more important than the taxpayers of Eastbrook?

We're headed to Vicklesburg to protect their hydroelectric dam.

Vicklesburg.

Here's what we know so far.

After decades in stasis, the inter cellular chynoplasm

known as ICK... has reached its kinetic state.

How long will that last?

We don't know for certain, but we are estimating around four to eight years.

No, please, people, listen to me, listen to me.

The government cannot save you right now, okay?

We simply do not have the resources.

Not without raising taxes.

Big government socialism.

Oh, come on, coach.

You come to the school at a five-year-old.

At $5,000, she could put a jacuzzi in the boys' locker room.

Oh.

So football is socialism now, Hank?

You make me sick.

People of Eastbrook, listen to me, okay?

Barricade your doors and your windows, okay?

Stop up your sinks and your drains.

And for God's sake, please, again, do not go outside.

Our kids can still go to prom tomorrow.

Right?

Uh, yeah.

You should definitely cancel prom.

My daughter is going to be prom queen.

How dare you try to take that away from me?

Man, I am not trying to take anything away from anybody.

I am just merely saying... Coach!

You created the ick.

Misinformation!

Your children died last night.

False flag!

Process actors!

Ted Kim.

Kim Real Estate.

If I may.

What?

I think we're all on the same page here, doctor.

Eastbrookians need our lives to proceed as normal.

Otherwise the ick wins.

Wouldn't you agree, Doctor Prentiss?

What?

No.

Well, I'm sure we agree that's just your opinion.

And wouldn't you also agree that we are entitled to our opinions?

Hell no!

Don't go outside!

But the fact that an average Joe like me can step up and have his ideas respected

as equal to an expert's, that's what makes this country really super.

You better get your hands off me.

Listen up, you ruse.

You've got to take responsibility for your own...

Shit.

If they wanted to build a mosque, they'd take it seriously.

Oh, uh, Dr. Prentice, please, please wait.

You're absolutely right about the dangers of the ick.

I've experienced them firsthand.

I'm Hank Wallace, a science teacher here in Eastbrook.

I have a theory about the ick.

Please.

You're right about the ick going through a new stage of growth.

But it's also going through

a stage of active cellular respiration.

However, it still maintains a stage of photosynthesis.

Meaning, it still has to hibernate.

And that is how we kill the ick.

See, because it's eukaryote.

And it collects UV light, converts it into chemical energy.

But it can't convert and collect at the same time.

That's why it only grows in the dark.

Outside and inside.

But UV light?

UV light, man.

It stops dead in its tracks.

Wow.

Yeah.

Hold that thought.

Okay.

Phone.

Who are you calling?

Hello, Mr. President.

Oh, my God.

Yes.

Eastbrook's high school science teacher... Hank Wallace.

Has presented the precise breakthrough we need to win this whole damn war.

UV light, sir.

No, no one has considered it before.

Oh, I...

You think he deserves a Nobel Prize?

Well, please, sir.

Transfer me to the King of Sweden.

You can stop now.

Hello?

Is this Carl Gustav?

King of Sweden and presenter of Nobel Prizes?

I'll just... I'll just go.

Sir, what do you mean there's no Nobel Prize for super obvious shit we figured

out from day one?

We know about the UV light dipshit.

It's a goddamn plant.

Unfortunately, due to our supply chain, we have a limited quantity of bulbs.

And all of our surplus has been shipped to... Don't say it.

Wigglesburg.

What

the globalist cucks don't want you to know is

that eating it gives men extreme sexual potency.

You will gain technical powers!

I'll show you!

I'll prove it to you right now!

You gotta take a look at this!

We're skipping the vaccine.

The ick boosts all of our immune systems by releasing

positive gut probiotics or whatever into the air.

Oh.

Oh.

I... I think I got it on my shoe.

Look, I... I know what you're all gonna say.

Hank, you're an alcoholic.

What the hell are you doing opening a bar?

On the contrary, Hank.

We want you to do whatever makes you happy.

Live a little.

Let go.

Surrender

to a higher power.

Come.

Never crave alcohol again!

No peace!

No bliss!

Suck it up on me!

The sun was way too bright today.

Um, I've been thinking, babe.

I support your decision to stay in Eastbrook.

This is a wonderful town.

What's gotten into you?

One way up in the backseat.

Don't take this the wrong way, but you totally look like shit.

My appearance is all that matters?

So sexually normative, babe.

We shouldn't be out here at night.

It's just Spooko's Panopticon.

Fear gets you from joy!

Stay down, kid.

Look at you, Mr. Wallace.

Hey, you okay?

Want a ride?

Grace!

I'm sorry!

Okay?

Hey.

Go throw a ball, kid.

You know, Grace, some boys in the animal kingdom... Gross.

I don't need to hear about the birds and the bees, Mr. Wallace.

I'm 18.

Not the birds and the bees.

The wasp and the tarantula.

The female hawk wasp, when she is ready to lay her eggs, she paralyzes the tarantula

with her stinger that then lays her eggs in its abdomen.

When the larvae are ready to hatch, they eat the tarantula from the inside out.

You know what I mean?

That being pregnant is like

getting eaten alive by a parasite.

What I mean is

I think Dylan is trying to put something inside you.

He's already put it inside me.

I did not need to hear that.

I think Dylan is infected.

With what?

Did you see his athletic physical?

I swear, if he gave me the clap after he promised...

What's happening?

It's in the engine!

Are you okay?

I think so...

Shit, stuck!

I'm surrounded.

Please don't post this.

I'm texting my cousin.

He drives a tow truck.

Oh, noise.

Well, in the meantime, we can get to know each other a little.

You know?

You know, have a... a bonding sesh.

Oh my god.

So awkward.

Well, you know, we might have a lot in common.

You know, like, um... what's your fave animal?

Um, mine is... mine's a narwhal.

Penguins are also tough.

Keep coming on to me, Mr. Wallace, and you'll be sorry.

No warning shots!

Marisa, I... I could never, ever... I'm incapable of thinking of you that way.

Oh.

It all makes sense now.

It does.

Right?

You're gay.

Hard to believe it used to take an hour over dial-up to get a video.

Was that before or after your family died of cholera?

Ha ha, laugh it up.

One day you'll be explaining Instagram to your cyborg children.

Got any food?

I'm starving.

Weird.

Oh, yeah.

Well, never been to a steakhouse?

You know, aged beef that, uh, enhances the tenderness and the flavor?

I can't believe you're a science teacher.

I wanted to be an English teacher.

But, uh, all the positions were filled.

It was a wait list.

Not enough science degrees.

It's really lame.

Baby daddy.

Are you maybe somebody's baby daddy, Mr. Wallace?

Uh, uh, um, Grace...

Knock up a cheerleader back in your swinging dick days.

No.

No, this can't be happening.

My asshole dad is my asshole dad, not this upside-down asshole.

But there's no easy way to explain this.

It's a disgrace.

Uh, but you don't exactly look, you know.

And your dad is, you know.

And you are, you know.

And you better hold on to something.

So, 18 years later, it finally occurs to you that I might be your daughter?

I just thought it was impossible.

I thought that you were conceived too late.

And I figured that half the town could be your father.

Wow.

I just mean that your mom probably had sex with a lot of... Yeah, yeah, I got that.

Thanks.

Hey, you could just think about me as like your cool uncle, right?

Who takes you to Disney World and Planned Parenthood.

Stop it.

I'm not some dude bro's fugitive chromosome.

Dude bro?

But, but... But nothing.

You're not my dad.

And even if you are, you never will be.

Wow.

I'm having like total deja vu.

No.

Star Wars.

Luke.

Darth.

Father.

Please, God, say I'm not related to this moron.

You know, I didn't want this.

I didn't mean for this to happen.

Cool.

Never happened.

My cousin's on his way.

Oh, cool, cool.

You know, but... Shut up.

We don't have to talk, you know.

Silence is golden.

Silence is golden.

But, um... Nope.

Grace?

Ick?

Leave me alone!

You should leave.

No, shit.

Yeah, you should leave East Brook and you

should change your mind about going to college.

Why?

I'm not leaving.

You leave.

Yeah, I

I tried.

Are you...

Dadding me right now?

I know it's scary to think about leaving.

I get that.

Really, I do.

But...

You know, big cities are filled with amazing things.

You know, like... Like museums.

And fancy restaurants.

And Dave and...

Busters?

You are dadding me right now.

What do you want with a teenage daughter anyway?

We're complicated and mean!

I

I don't think I really have much of a choice.

Will you stop saying that ah look do you really want to be the only florist with a

1500 on her sats look moron you can't come into my life after 18 years and suddenly

claim me like a value-packed coupon where were you when I skinned my knee or when my

guinea pig died or when the boy I liked asked another girl to homecoming You can't

beat Disney Dad, Mr. Wallace.

You don't know shit about me.

And you sure as hell don't know shit about family.

Family is why I stayed in Eastbrook.

Don't make the same mistake that I did, Grace.

You know, it took me a long time to realize that

family and Eastbrook are not the same thing.

In fact, Eastbrook kinda sucks.

So does family.

Yeah, sometimes.

But you know, family is kinda like a band.

And Eastbrook is like the best band of all time.

The Beatles.

Creed.

It's hard to imagine a more perfect album than Human Clay.

But then the band broke up soon after.

The band always breaks up.

But you, Grace, you are Scott's dad.

Who the fuck is Creed?

I'm not your daughter.

Are you kidding me, young lady?

Shut up, Jack.

Mr. Wallace.

What?

The penicillin.

What are you saying?

See?

Penicillin was created when moles got into a petri dish and

released a toxin into the bacteria that the scientists were going.

Haha, eat your poison.

We're not working.

Quit thinking, Dr. Science.

Let it go.

I'll let it go this time, Grace.

But cigarettes?

The ick, you idiot.

Let it go.

Flamethrower, please.

I'm out.

Come on.

Grace.

Grace!

Are you okay?

What?

Now!

You saved us.

Man.

Let's get the hell out of here.

And stay away from my mom if she ends up single.

God.

God.

God.

God.

God.

God.

God.

God.

God.

God.

God.

But I'm down to one last breath.

Have a drink with me, son.

How's this possible?

It's the ick that absorbed me into the earth all those years ago.

This town, this country, this whole rotten planet.

It's fallen apart at the seams.

The ick is the thread that will pull it back together.

Well, good luck.

It's gonna take a lot more than some lab-grown goo to fix all that.

Or maybe your bacteria.

I don't know.

Alien.

It's a program, son.

And I'll tell you what that program is.

What?

Yeah.

A program of chaos that rewrites itself.

Breaks its rules.

Creates the fear of the random.

You will never know how it works.

Its goal is contradiction and confusion.

No rhyme or reason.

Because it overwhelms.

Some it devours.

Some it resurrects.

You will ignore it.

And do

nothing.

From a world of many, we all become ick.

It can fix anything, son.

Anything.

It can even fix that leg of yours.

This is not my leg that's broken.

Look,

about last night I... Not your first swing and miss.

What I want to know is why nobody cares that we're in danger.

Danger from what?

The ick attacked me.

Babe, the ick attacked everyone.

The very best moments of my life were on this field.

And the very worst.

Dreams of going to college.

NFL.

Owning a mansion in Beverly Hills.

A vacation house in France.

And a series of Viagra commercials.

Wearing a flannel.

Chopping wood.

For Crystal Blue Lake.

And you.

And lost it all right here.

Don't get so dramatic.

Disgraced my daughter.

What?

No.

Is that why you dragged me out here?

Ugh.

Stacy, just wait, please.

Can...

Hank?

Can you just give me this one thing?

Please?

Just tell me that's possible.

It's absolutely

impossible.

Wait.

You know, actually...

Jesus!

We got it!

Grace, don't ever think my death is your fault.

I've wanted this for a long time.

Consider me your cautionary tale.

Don't repeat my mistakes.

Find happiness wherever you can.

Grab it.

Never let go.

Dead frickin' Kim.

We're gonna start this night off right.

This next song takes me back to 2002.

Paris Hilton recorded her first sex tape.

America is still reeling from 9-11.

Never forget!

What a prick.

I live and I live.

Nice shirt.

You think maybe we should barricade the doors, you know, in case of the ick?

No, the government will take care of it.

The ick is an agent of natural selection.

Next generation's gonna be faster, smarter.

Probably get some good corner backs out of it.

This next joy is for all the lovers.

All your parents conceived you to.

Baby, the rubber broke.

Baby, there was no rubber.

Ugh.

Example two.

Ask him to dance.

Ask him to dance now.

Would you like to... I'd love to.

I

I'm not going to Joker the next year.

What?

I'm staying here.

I want to be with you forever.

Protons two.BB.

God damn, this song rips.

Grace.

Hey!

Hey!

What the heck are you wearing?

Ted, you gotta get out of here.

No can do, buddy.

Gotta make sure the kids do Dairy Queen and get home safe.

That's an EDM outfit, isn't it?

Ted, the ick is coming.

The ick?

It's already here.

Besides, where will we go?

It's everywhere else too.

Ted.

Ted.

Just get my daughter into safety.

You're the daughter?

Maybe.

Ted.

About Stacy.

Get

something off your chest.

Yeah, the ick.

Aw, damn it.

The windows are UV protected.

Screw you, Mercedes.

I'll break your glass.

Bulletproof glass.

Who needs bulletproof glass?

It is broke.

You threw it in free.

Oh, Mercedes.

Look, Hank.

About Grace.

Sheila!

No?

No for ick or no for Grace?

Yes?

Yes for which?

Free.

Free.

Free.

Free.

Well, you have really developed.

The Mises traditions.

Babe, don't you love me?

I'm staying in Eastbrook for you.

Dylan.

You're right, babe.

We need to fix this town, not run from it.

No!

Are you serious?

Grace!

Don't have sex with him.

Are you serious?

You can have sex with a million men if that's what you want.

It's not.

Just not with him, okay?

He is it.

The old white guy saving the virginity of a helpless female?

Really?

I'm okay with it.

Not smash-mouth football, kid.

Sorry about your problem.

He let go!

I tested positive for the egg, and I'll tell you, that's not healing.

Hey, Grace, I really do want you to have a

meaningful, safe relationship with the boys, you know?

So not the time for this talk.

They say we're infected, but I'll tell you, they're the ones who are truly infected.

Infected by anger, by pain, insecurity, jealousy...

Inside.

Run, Grace.

It's time to embrace our future.

Hey, kid, this might sting a little.

Mr.

Wallace, I'm gonna reach down your throat,

squeeze your colon, and pull you inside out.

You know what your problem is, Dylan?

You're a phony.

You haven't read half the shit you quote.

You summarize for Wikipedia and wield wokeness like a weapon.

You're a sad, pathetic asshole without an original thought.

You're just like everyone else.

Grace, I need to tell you something.

Yeah, I know, you might be my dad, you told me already.

No.

It's about your real parents.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

God, we're gonna die.

Not here.

Where?

No, I mean, we're leaving Eastbrook.

Alive?

You and me.

And the regular monkey.

I lost my parents, too.

And I know it feels like the heartbreak will never end.

But I'm here for you, Grace.

Heather, Griffin, you're a couple.

Mr. Wolfe's.

Oh, come on.

All right.

We gotta get out of here and find someplace safe.

Allergen, the stadium lights emit UV radiation.

Not as much as the sun or a black light, but hopefully enough to keep us safe.

Harm yourselves.

Whatever you can carry.

Get ready for a fight.

Come on.

You could have just opened it.

I mean, that was super dramatic and all, but...

Now I have to crawl over broken glass.

Patch the wires.

Flip all the switches.

Where are you going?

I have to go back out.

Turn on the circuit breakers.

Without them, there's no power flowing to the halogens.

Good luck.

Don't die.

That was super weird.

Are you Mr. Wallace?

It's complicated.

None of my business.

You can do better.

So much snow.

Hi sweetie.

Time to join.

We're Mommy and Daddy.

You alright?

I guess.

You know, relatively.

Come to the lights.

I want it to be over.

He's dead.

He should be at peace.

It's not him, Grace.

Everything's going to be okay.

Grace!

Grace, you have to wake up!

Grace!

What's going on?

The ick pulled out the ground under the lights and...

We have to go!

I mean, Mr.

Wallace!

Whoever you are!

I've been chipping them forever.

Second base!

Grace, I need to tell you something.

Whether or not you're my actual daughter, I'm so proud of you.

I'm so grateful

that you're in my life.

I'm sorry.

Are

we done now, or...?

Definitely not!

Wait!

Hey, Ficklesburg.

What now?

No idea.

So, how's the new job?

Lucrative.

Yeah.

Turns out all the economy needed was... mass suffering.

I'm leaving.

Yeah.

I figured.

After all this time, I still don't know what to call you.

Mr. Wallace.

Dad.

Toad's fave teach?

I don't know.

Well, technically, we still don't know.

Maybe it's better not to know.

Yeah.

Maybe it's not.

Like father, like maybe daughter.

Hey, hey!

Well, I knew you'd be here.

Ha ha.

Got something for you.

Hold on.

All right.

Here, get!

Oh, come on!

Can't be playing football!

How's the quarterback?

The government's in turmoil.

Nobody's seen the president in two months.

And yet, the mailman delivers.

Neither rain, nor sleet, nor ick.

I mailed it in.

Grace.

Are you ready?

No.

But what the hell?

Let's open it anyway.

Can

you take me higher?

To a place where life and sea.

Can you take me higher.

To a place where thought and fear.