Original subtitles

AYANA TSUCHIDA TALK SHOW AND BOOK SIGNING EVENT

Who else would like to ask a question?

You, sir, in the middle with a brown jacket.

I read in an article somewhere that your previous work, Ukandeiru,

was based on your own romantic experiences

during your time in university.

But I'd like to ask if this new novel is based on your experience,

or if it's fiction,

or perhaps what you envision as an ideal.

I'd appreciate it if you could tell us about that.

Thank you for that question.

Let's see…

If that's my ideal, things would be pretty crazy, huh?

But…

while sex is certainly important in its own way,

I feel that too much gets sacrificed for it.

I think there are more important things.

Yes.

Also, in Ukandeiru,

I wrote quite a bit about the person who inspired me to start writing novels,

and about my time in university.

But it ended up being a bit boring.

I kept thinking that since novels are fiction,

I should be able to create stories more freely,

but why am I bound by reality?

My boyfriend at the time was pretty lame too.

Well, yeah, so with this latest work,

I incorporated various lies and imaginative elements.

Thank you.

Thank you.

AYANA TSUCHIDA

Hello.

Ms. Tsuchida.

Yes?

Someone came to see you today.

He was in the back listening to the talk show event.

Who is it?

-Long time no see. -What?

Are you serious?

-You were at the talk show? -Yeah.

What? This is insane.

Hello. I'm Lame Guy.

Wait, it's not like that! I'm sorry!

Are you serious?

I received a message from Mr. Kobayashi asking if he could stop by the event.

You're doing very well these days.

No, no, I'm nothing compared to you.

You're the hot-seller.

Hot-seller? Are you making fun of me?

No, I'm not.

Oh, but I guess there are better ways to say it. Sorry.

Well, the truth is, all I can do is sell books.

Oh man, I wish I had the luxury of being able to say something like that.

Do you have other plans today?

Why?

I was wondering if you wanted to go eat or something.

Can you come too?

Oh no,

I have to go back to the office to finish some work.

I see.

Wait, are you wary of me?

No, it's not like that.

Okay, then let's go.

Let's go.

-Okay. -Okay.

Niko Kobayashi is a bestselling novelist,

the person who inspired me to start writing novels…

and also my ex-boyfriend.

This is a fancy place.

Do you come here often?

I guess so.

I see.

Why, is it weird?

No.

I guess it's weird.

-Are you hungry? -Yeah.

-Let's order something to eat. -Okay.

-Excuse me. -Yes.

-Do you have someone right now? -Hm?

A partner, or a boyfriend?

Yes.

Has it been long?

Yeah.

About a year.

Things are going well between you two?

Yeah, we get along well.

What is it? Are you jealous?

Why would I be?

Do you have someone too, Mr. Kobayashi?

Mr. Kobayashi?

Well, I don't have anyone I'm committed to.

I see.

Yeah.

So you're playing around?

Playing around? That's packed with a lot of meaning.

But I'm not having as much fun

as that phrase implies.

By the way, how many people are you playing around with?

Three… No, four.

You sleep with them too?

Yeah.

They don't ask you to make it official or anything?

No, I don't stay with people who say things like that.

So they have boyfriends too?

Yeah, or husbands.

I don't play around with singles.

Oh I just said, "play around."

Yeah you used that phrase yourself.

You don't commit to one person because it's easier that way?

You could say that.

Enough about me.

After all, I'm lame.

You're still stuck on that?

You're so petty, as usual.

Shut up.

-Here. -Thanks.

-Ayana. -Yeah?

Have you read my recent novels?

Not really.

-Sorry. -I see.

Niko,

what do you think about the novels you're writing?

What do you mean by that?

Are you referring

to whether it's interesting as a novel or as a work of literature?

Or regarding its place in society?

Whether it's interesting as a work of literature.

I wonder…

But I think I love it more now than I did back then.

Why is that? What caused that change?

The cause, huh?

Well, I experienced many setbacks

and learned my limitations.

Yeah.

Your novel played a role in that too.

In the beginning,

I was constantly comparing myself to others.

I was being stubborn because I wasn't getting recognized or selling copies.

Basically,

I only wrote based on what would benefit me or not.

I kept thinking, "My novels are works of art!"

But now it's different.

Now, for better or for worse, I can write about things that won't benefit me at all.

There's nothing bad about that.

What?

I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

-Is that so? -Yeah.

I'm surprised to hear that from you.

This is kind of harsh, but…

Don't say it if it's harsh.

The novels that you write

might not be something

that benefits you or me. But…

if that novel can provide solace to someone,

then I think it's incredibly valuable.

Although it does make me want to die.

You're working hard.

Yeah.

I wish I could've been like you.

What?

Well,

to be able to write truly interesting novels,

and to write something that I myself find interesting.

And even with romance, being able to love just one person.

We made the right decision by breaking up.

Because you and I are cut from different cloths.

You're still saying that?

I don't know how I appear through your eyes right now…

But I'm not that different from you.

I'm not the kind of person you think I am anymore.

There's an Ayana that I don't know about?

Yeah, of course there is.

I see.

-Sorry, I'm going to take this. -Sure.

Hello? What's up?

I'm at the counter.

Towards the back.

One of the four.

Hello.

Hello.

-Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you.

This is Yoko.

I'm Yoko.

This is Ms. Ayana.

I'm Ayana Tsuchida.

-Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you.

Want to sit here?

How do you two know each other?

Are you guys colleagues?

What do we look like to you?

What?

Is it your new girlfriend?

Close. It's the opposite.

-Stop that. -Opposite?

We're colleagues.

I also write novels.

We just happened to meet today.

-I see. -Yes.

What is this? You're being so weird.

You two are definitely doing it, right?

You're an idiot.

-You guys are, right? -I'll be going now.

-Sorry. -Not at all.

Let's do this again another time.

Hey hold on…

What was her name again?

-Ms. Ayana. -Ms. Ayana,

can you please just tell me if you guys

are doing it or not?

That's enough.

Ms. Yoko,

do you like Mr. Kobayashi?

Hey, have some tact.

-And what if I do like him? -Hey.

-Nothing. -Yoko, just calm down. Let's drink.

Then, I'll be off now.

-Sorry. -By the way,

I like your current self too, Niko.

Bye.

Wow.

Who was that woman?

BOOKSTORE

NIKO KOBAYASHI

On that day too,

I was visiting a bookstore to look for novels written by Niko Kobayashi.

NEW NOVEL BY NIKO KOBAYASHI

I met Niko when…

OCTOBER 2019

It was seven years ago.

I was still hung up on my previous relationship,

but I went to a club with my classmate En, since she invited me.

I don't particularly love or hate places like this.

In fact,

I never really came to places like this very often to begin with.

-Gin and tonic, please. -Okay.

-Gin and tonic. -Thanks.

That person is a novelist.

But even if he's a novelist, why read books in a club?

Yeah.

Have you read his novels? What's his name?

Niko Kobayashi.

Niko Kobayashi.

NIKO KOBAYASHI

Humans sometimes take fragments

of dreams that don't make sense

and try to force them into a story.

As a result, dreams become increasingly vague

and inconsistent.

Freud, therefore, found meaning in dreams.

He believed that dreams were not meaningless chaos,

but rather

that the fulfillment of desires was hidden beneath this disguise.

By dissecting dreams…

How was it?

How was what?

You were reading Niko Kobayashi's novel.

I'm not finished yet.

But…

I like it.

Did I tell you that he's our senior?

What?

He's from our university.

He's an alum?

No, he's still a student.

He's a grad student?

No, he was held back for a long time.

He's a fourth year student just like us.

I think he's 25 right now.

Are you serious?

You're joking, right?

You're thinking,

"I searched his name, but none of that came up."

Am I right?

You really searched him up?

Wow.

Then he might be wandering around here on campus today?

Knowing how he is, I doubt he comes to school that often.

I see.

Hey, wanna drink?

Drink?

Yeah, drink.

What? We can drink with him?

What's your relationship with him?

I'll tell you next time.

Tell me right now.

What is it?

How did you meet him?

Is that Niko?

He's not looking.

He didn't see you.

-Welcome. -Hello.

Hey.

-How've you been? -Doing good.

This is Ayana.

-I'm Ayana Tsuchida. -I'm Niko Kobayashi.

-Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you.

Ayana read your novel.

-Hey. Stop that. -What?

This is embarrassing. Was it the one from the literary magazine?

-Did you actually buy it? -Yes.

Wow, really?

What can I get you?

Can I have another highball?

Okay.

How was it? Was it okay?

Can I give honest feedback?

I'm scared now.

Why preface it like that?

Of course, please be honest.

So…

it wasn't that interesting, but I liked it.

It wasn't interesting?

I'm sorry, but yes, it wasn't interesting…

Which part in particular?

Well, up until halfway through, it was earnest,

and I figured you were writing

about yourself and your own personal worries…

But?

As the story progressed from the middle to the end,

the story became convenient…

Or I guess "convenient" isn't quite the right word.

But the way things spiral into desperation towards the end is…

Too cliché?

Exactly.

Well,

you're exactly right.

-Did you read it? -Nope.

What you're saying is exactly right.

Yeah.

But I'm sorry.

That was just my personal opinion.

The thing is,

I didn't originally intend to have such a dramatic ending.

Oh, really?

It wasn't supposed to be like that at first.

But I changed it because my editor suggested it.

How was it supposed to end?

Have you ever read anything by Toshiyuki Horie?

Yes, a few. The author of Oparaban, right?

Yeah. Toshiyuki Horie

wrote a short story called Stance Dots.

Hmm…

I wonder if I've read that?

The story is set in a bowling alley on the verge of going out of business,

and I really loved the way it ended.

It was simple yet grand,

and it made me feel lightheaded.

That's actually how I wanted to end my own story.

So not the ending

where the protagonist's written stories are ripped up and thrown away?

Well, it still gets thrown away.

But inside the garbage bag, is also compost and such,

so a crow comes

and tears the bag open.

It snatches a piece of the protagonist's novel,

and flies away with it.

Then, the story shifts to the perspective

of the torn piece of paper

held in the crow's beak, as it looks down at the city,

and it becomes a little mystical.

In the corner of this broadened view,

the protagonist is seen walking home from a convenience store,

rubbing his hands together

in the cold.

And that's the end. It's kind of hard to explain.

It's so interesting.

-Right? -Yes.

Wow, finally, someone understands.

Sorry.

Not at all.

Thank you for waiting. Your highball.

Thanks.

Ms. Ayana, have you ever thought about writing something?

-A novel? -Yeah.

I've never considered it.

Why?

Why?

Maybe because I like it? If you like it, you'd never want to write one, right?

-Is that how it is? -Yeah.

And I don't think novels

are something I'm capable of writing.

Also, because I have respect for it.

I see.

So if you like novels and respect them, you'd never think of writing one?

Yeah.

I see.

Did you hear that?

Wait, that's not what I meant! Sorry.

But you're right. I agree.

No, hold on. En, you're putting words in my mouth.

-Me? -Yeah.

It's definitely you.

Did I say anything wrong?

I'm sorry.

No worries.

But yeah,

going back to what we were just talking about,

whether it's novels, music,

movies,

comics, or theater,

there are people who love it and try to create their own works,

and there are people who love it but don't want to create it themselves.

I've wondered what the difference is between those two types of people.

I think

that people who are satisfied with what's available

don't necessarily need to create anything new.

I see.

So you're not satisfied?

I guess not.

What about you, Ayana? Are you satisfied?

I've never thought about that before.

I'm probably

-satisfied… Or so I think? -Really?

I really don't know.

But I want to read your novel.

What?

Why is that?

I think I'd like to know how your mind works,

and what you're interested in.

Yeah.

I see.

He wants to know how your mind works.

You really need to stop the teasing.

Sorry.

I don't mind.

You should try writing a novel.

No, no.

Ever since Niko, En, and I drank together,

he recommended interesting novels to me,

told me about the variety of literary awards,

and we talked about all sorts of things.

-I've read books by this author. -Really?

Was it Shiki?

No, not Shiki. It was Ao ga Yabureru.

Yeah, that one is good too.

-Try reading it. -Okay.

-Thanks for waiting. Here's your highball. -Thank you.

Can we also have potato salad too?

-Okay. -Thanks.

-Okay, then. Merry Christmas. -Merry Christmas.

As we discussed novels over drinks,

we were drawn to each other,

and at Christmas in our fourth year at university,

we decided

to meet at a pub and exchange books as gifts.

But with the condition

that it had to be a book

that neither of us had read yet.

-Here. -Thanks.

What a cute bag.

Seriously?

What are the odds?

CONFESSION KO MACHIDA

I can't believe this.

You know…

What is it?

CONFESSION

It's about this.

What about it?

Will you go out with me?

Oh, is that why you chose this?

Yes.

You too?

No, not at all.

It's the novel I wanted to read the most right now.

Oh.

How embarrassing.

I see.

Is this a story about that type of confession?

No, it has nothing to do with confessions of love.

Yeah.

Here.

Huh?

My confession to you.

Then…

-I accept. -I accept as well.

I still can't believe this.

-What a surprise. -Yeah.

About two months after I started dating Niko…

AOYUKI LITERARY AWARD APPLICATION MANUSCRIPT

…I finished writing my first novel,

submitted it to a literary contest for new writers,

and won the grand prix.

NIKO KOBAYASHI

Six years have passed since then,

and I'm working part-time at a second-hand clothing store

while writing novels.

-Hey. -Hey.

Let's go.

Yeah.

Then, one winter day after dating for a little over a year,

we went on our final date before breaking up.

-Hey. -You came.

-Girlfriend? -Kind of.

Good evening.

That was so good.

Yeah.

Hey.

Hey, Sawa.

-You decided to come. -Yeah.

-Yup, I came. -Nice.

-You guys came together? -What?

You came with Niko?

-Yeah. -I see.

Nothing has changed?

Nothing has changed.

Nothing has improved?

Yeah. Nothing has improved.

I see.

Sorry.

-Hey. -Hello.

Want to finish that and go?

You don't smoke anymore?

Anymore? I never smoked to begin with.

Oh really?

You just assumed?

I have this image of you in a cafe billowing with cigarette smoke.

I see. But I've never smoked.

But I'm used to places where people are smoking.

My dad was a heavy smoker.

You don't mind if your girlfriend smokes?

No, I don't mind.

You don't mind the smell when you kiss?

I don't mind that either.

-I see. -Yeah.

You used to smoke, right? Did you quit?

Yeah, I used to smoke.

I quit when I got pregnant,

but then I had a miscarriage.

Oh right. I think I heard about that.

I haven't smoked since.

-You're doing okay now? -What?

-Your health. -Yeah.

Was it some time ago?

It was about six months ago.

I see.

Have you been able to process everything?

Yeah,

I'd say that I'm doing a lot better now.

I'm glad to hear that.

Yeah.

-Wanna go? -Yeah.

-Bye. -Bye.

What should we do?

We're gonna talk, right?

Yeah.

You want to go somewhere instead of talking at home?

Yeah, definitely not at home.

Okay.

Where should we go…?

Here's kinpira and rolled omelet.

-Thank you. -Thanks.

Shall we talk about it now?

Yeah.

Can I start?

Yeah.

Stop sighing.

I can't help it.

Yeah, I guess you can't help sighing.

Yeah…

So I already told you on the phone,

and I also mentioned it

when we met the other day,

but yeah…

I want to break up.

Okay.

I understand.

Let's break up.

Okay.

Sorry about earlier.

What?

For crying during the live performance.

I didn't mind.

I've been thinking about this ever since you mentioned breaking up the other day.

Yeah?

I've been wondering why things turned out like this.

Why?

Well,

because we used to like each other.

You liked me, right?

Don't tell me you never liked me.

I'd never.

Yeah, I liked you.

So I wonder why we've come to an end like this.

What's the main reason?

-The main reason? -Yeah.

Of why I want to break up?

Yeah.

I don't know.

We're breaking up, not knowing the reason why, huh?

Then why did you agree to the breakup?

Because I'm tired.

You're tired?

Yeah, I'm tired.

I ended up tiring out the person I liked, and then broke up with her, huh?

Yeah. You tired out the person you liked and then broke up with her.

No need to repeat it.

We're on the same wavelength, so we can banter like this.

Yeah.

And we both gifted Confession to each other.

The one by Ko Machida?

That was hilarious.

All of that will come to an end.

A reason, huh?

The reason is…

I just want to be alone right now.

I see.

Being in a relationship with someone

is probably something I can't handle.

You've said that before.

Being in a relationship makes me unstable.

I'm not suited to it.

Is that impossible for you to understand?

I guess I can understand,

but I'm realizing I couldn't place myself outside that reality.

Outside?

To be an exception.

I see.

-I guess so. -Yeah.

And to be honest,

I also want to work hard on my novels.

I see.

For example,

I think you can be in a relationship

with someone and still continue to write.

-Yeah. -Someone

who can inspire and challenge you, you know?

But for me,

you're not that type of a person.

What do you mean?

Well, I think you were too good.

I was too good?

Yeah. You were too good.

I guess

it would have been better if we could just leave each other alone.

You couldn't leave me alone, huh?

Yeah.

I knew it wasn't me.

I knew that I wasn't

the right person for you.

What the heck?

Ayana,

you and I are cut from different cloths.

And what I'm about to say is really pathetic…

But I'm jealous of your talent.

-My talent? -Yeah.

You're saying I'm more talented than you?

Yeah. You must be aware of that, right?

It's true that when

I read your novel,

I didn't agree with everything.

It wasn't interesting.

But I liked your way of thinking and your writing style.

I enjoyed spending time with you,

and you were the one

who suggested I try writing a novel,

the one who said you'd like to read it,

and the one who inspired me to start writing novels.

And

it's not that I'm trying to catch up with you,

but I started writing

because I wanted to write novels that I myself would find interesting.

And recently, I won an award,

and I've just started going back and forth with the editors.

Do you understand what I'm trying to say?

Yeah. I understand.

Earlier, when we were talking about Sawa's baby,

you weren't overly sympathetic,

and I realized again how much I like you.

You treat everyone the same, without any bias.

I really like that about you.

I respect you too.

Both as a person, and a boyfriend.

But it's over now, isn't it?

Yeah.

Sorry.

I want to write, in earnest.

That's why

I need to experience loneliness--

You're being naive.

What?

You're being naive.

You won't be able to write even if you break up with me.

Why do you think that?

You've got it wrong.

It's not like

you can only write when you're lonely,

or that you can't write when you're happy.

That's not how it works.

Are you planning on being unhappy forever?

Maybe.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Because not being able to create something

is more painful for me.

How lame.

That's…

That's just…

What is loneliness anyway?

It's not something you can achieve simply by being physically alone.

I know that.

But it's just that you've become

a hindrance to me.

Hinderance, huh?

No, I didn't mean that, sorry.

I want you to hate me.

The other day,

I slept with someone I don't even like.

What?

Hold on, what? What's the point of all this?

I just…

-I wanted to find balance within myself. -To balance what?

Who was it?

It's not Sawa, is it?

I wouldn't have been hanging out with her earlier if it was.

Then who is it?

Nagisa.

You're the worst.

You're the worst for having casual sex with a girl that actually likes you.

You still don't want to break up with me?

I'm such a jerk,

but you still don't want to?

And after having found loneliness,

Niko went through many setbacks and encounters

and eventually became a best-selling novelist.

I think

he probably knows better than anyone

that his current situation is a result of compromise.

But I respect the current stance

he has taken in choosing that path.

It's not something everyone can do.

I don't aspire to do the same, though.

And I read Niko's novel for the first time in a long while,

but it was indeed something of no benefit to my life right now.

You were back?

Yeah.

You're not sleeping?

I'm going to sleep now.

NIKO KOBAYASHI

Oh, this is really popular right now.

Yeah.

Is it interesting?

Not really?

Oh, really?

-Can I read it too? -Yeah.

In fact, you can have it.

Really? Thanks.

When was the last time I was able

to genuinely love just one person?

I want to be alone.

What Niko said back then,

and his feelings…

I feel like I understand them better now than I did before.

THIS DRAMA IS FICTIONAL

Subtitle translation by: Lili Morita