Original subtitles

PREVIOUSLY ON THE WEST WING:

EAGLE'S BY.

THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I'LL EVER DO.

NOT MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR MARRIAGE.

YES, IT'S MORE IMPORTANT THAN MY MARRIAGE.

PLEASE BELIEVE ME, I'M A NICE GUY, HAVING A BAD DAY

AND IT TURNS OUT I ACCIDENTALLY SLEPT WITH A PROSTITUTE.

WOULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME WHICH ONE OF THOSE KIDS

IS MY BOSS'S DAUGHTER? THAT WOULD BE ME.

CHARLIE, MY YOUNGEST DAUGHTER ZOEY IS DOWN FROM HANOVER.

I'M MAKING CHILI TONIGHT.

THIS IS A GIRL, CHARLIE. YOU DON'T HAVE TO...

ZOEY.

I SHOULD CALL YOU ZOEY?

IF I CAN CALL YOU CHARLIE.

NINE, NO HELP.

JACK, NO HELP.

EIGHT, POSSIBLE FLUSH.

KING, POSSIBLE FLUSH.

ACE, NO HELP.

SIX, POSSIBLE STRAIGHT.

DAVE OF LOVE FOR THE DEALER.

ACE BETS.

Mandy: CHECK.

CHECK.

CHECK.

Leo: CHECK.

Toby: CHECK.

CHECK.

MR. PRESIDENT?

THERE IS ONE FRUIT...

Toby: OH, PLEASE.

President: THERE IS ONE FRUIT...

MR. PRESIDENT, CHECK OR BET--

THOSE ARE YOUR CHOICES.

THERE IS ONE FRUIT...

WELL, YOU SHOULD FEEL FREE

TO GIVE US A QUIZ ON INANE TRIVIA.

THERE IS ONE FRUIT WHOSE SEEDS ARE ON THE OUTSIDE.

NAME IT PLEASE.

IS IT THE KUMQUAT?

President: NO.

Toby: CHECK OR BET, SIR.

President: I BET FIVE.

CALL.

Sam: SEE IT.

C.J.: FOLD.

Leo: SEE IT.

Josh: CALL.

I SEE IT.

AND I RAISE YOU FIVE.

UH-HUH.

C.J.: MR. PRESIDENT?

IT'S THE STRAWBERRY.

AH.

OH, RIGHT.

THANK YOU, SIR. I JUST RAISED YOUR BET.

YES, YOU DID, TOBY, AND I THOUGHT IT WAS A BOLD MOVE

WHEN YOU CONSIDER THAT LEO

IS HOLDING THE SIX YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.

DO YOU CALL THE RAISE, SIR?

THAT DEPENDS.

DEPENDS ON WHAT?

THERE ARE 14...

PUNCTUATION MARKS IN STANDARD ENGLISH GRAMMAR.

CAN ANYONE NAME THEM, PLEASE?

PERIOD.

COMMA.

COLON.

Sam: SEMI-COLON.

Josh: DASH.

HYPHEN.

APOSTROPHE.

THAT'S ONLY SEVEN.

THERE'S SEVEN MORE.

QUESTION MARK, EXCLAMATION POINT, QUOTATION MARKS

BRACKETS, PARENTHESIS, BRACES AND ELLIPSES.

C.J.: OOH.

OH, WOW.

DO YOU CALL THE RAISE, SIR?

THERE ARE THREE WORDS IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE--

AND THREE WORDS ONLY-- THAT START WITH THE LETTERS "DW."

Josh: THIS IS A PRETTY GOOD ILLUSTRATION

OF WHY WE GET NOTHING DONE.

CAN ANYONE NAME THEM

FOR ME, PLEASE?

THREE WORDS THAT BEGIN WITH THE LETTERS "DW"? YES.

DWINDLE. YES.

DWARF. YES.

DWINDLE...

Toby: DWINDLE AND DWARF.

COME ON, PRINCETON.

WE GOT DWINDLE.

WE GOT DWARF.

I SEE YOUR FIVE AND RAISE YOU FIVE

BY THE WAY.

DWARF... DWINDLE...

FOLD. FOLD.

LAST CARD DOWN.

"A WITCHES BREW

"A MAGIC SPELL, AN ENCHANTED

FOREST WHERE..."

"FAIRIES DWELL." DWELL... DWELL!

Toby: DWINDLE, DWARF AND DWELL.

WELL, THE ANSWER'S CORRECT

BUT LET'S CHECK WITH OUR JUDGES AND... OH, NO!

I'M SORRY.

TIME EXPIRED.

WHAT? WHAT TIME? MY TIME.

YOU HAVE YOUR OWN TIME?

( all chuckling )

I CALL.

TRIP NINES.

All: OOH...

TAKE YOUR MONEY, SIR.

YOU'D DO WELL TO REPORT THAT

TO THE I.R.S., 'CAUSE GOD KNOWS, I WILL.

( all laughing )

I'M DONE.

I'M GOING TO HEAD HOME.

KISS JENNY FOR ME.

YEAH, I WILL.

I'M GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE.

THEY GOT THE COMMERCE REPORT

READY FOR ME. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I WAS GOING TO GO HOME.

Josh: I'M GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE.

THEY GOT THE COMMERCE REPORT

READY FOR ME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M GOING TO GO BACK

TO YOUR OFFICE WITH YOU

MAKE SURE YOU UNDERSTAND

THE COMMERCE REPORT. THANK YOU.

WHEN I GET THROUGH WITH YOU

YOU'LL KNOW EVERYTHING

THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT

STANDARD DATA VERSUS SAMPLING DATA IN THE CENSUS.

CHARLIE, I'M HEADED OVER TO THE RESIDENCE.

YOU'RE DONE FOR THE NIGHT.

THANK YOU. I'LL STAY TO DO SOME PAPERWORK.

DON'T STAY UP TOO LATE, SON.

HOW'D YOU DO?

84 BUCKS.

MOST OF THAT'S MINE.

AH. WHAT'S THAT?

EXCUSE ME, MR. PRESIDENT.

I'M SORRY, THE BUILDING'S NOT SECURE.

Agent: WOULD EVERYONE STAY IN THE ROOM, PLEASE?

THIS IS HAPPENING WAY TOO OFTEN.

IT'S PLEDGE WEEK AT THE FRATERNITIES.

THE KIDS HOP THE FENCE.

STEP AWAY FROM THE DOORS AND WINDOWS.

THIS WHOLE ROOM IS DOORS AND WINDOWS.

JOSH.

Josh: I'M COOPERATING.

Agent: THIS WILL BE UNDER CONTROL IN JUST A MINUTE.

ALRIGHT.

WHAT BODY OF WATER

IN SOUTH AMERICA IS FORMED

BY THE CONFLUENCE OF...

EXCUSE ME, WINK MARTINDALE.

DO YOU THINK THIS IS THE TIME...

NOT QUITE UP ON YOUR SOUTH AMERICAN

MARITIME GEOGRAPHY THERE, MY FRIEND?

WE'RE CLEAR.

SAVED BY THE BELL.

THIS IS THE KIND OF THING

THAT DIDN'T USED TO HAPPEN AT MY OLD JOB.

CATHY, I NEED A COPY OF ARTICLE ONE, SECTION TWO.

ARTICLE ONE, SECTION TWO OF WHAT?

THE CONSTITUTION.

IS THAT SOMETHING I'M SUPPOSED TO HAVE AT MY DESK?

DOES ANYBODY HAVE A COPY

OF THE CONSTITUTION?

THIS IS DISCOURAGING.

BONNIE, WOULD YOU GET TOBY

A COPY OF THE CONSTITUTION?

IS IT STILL IN PRINT?

OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

TRY AMAZON.COM.

IF THEY DON'T HAVE IT

THEN JUST BUST INTO THE GLASS DISPLAY CASE

IN THE CAPITAL ROTUNDA!

YOU SHOULDN'T YELL.

"IS IT STILL IN PRINT?"

IS WHAT MY STAFF WOULD LIKE TO KNOW.

I'M HERE TO SEE SAM.

GO AHEAD.

IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

I'M JUST HERE TO SEE HIM ABOUT SOMETHING.

WHAT DO I CARE?

ABSOLUTELY NO REASON YOU SHOULD.

OKAY.

WELL, AND THE PRESIDENT'S COMMITTED

TO VETOING ANY COMMERCE BILL

THAT PROHIBITS SAMPLING DATA

AS A LEGITIMATE COMPONENT OF THE 2000 CENSUS.

I'M SABER-RATTLING, JILL.

I'M JUST GIVING A PREVIEW

OF WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO GET LATER WITH TOBY.

YEAH. I'LL SEE YOU THEN.

HEY.

HEY. THAT WAS ALL... GREAT

WHAT YOU JUST SAID THERE.

WHAT'D I SAY?

NOT SO MUCH WHAT YOU SAID

BUT THE WAY YOU SAID IT.

THIS CENSUS HAS TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.

TELL ME ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT GLAMOROUS

BUT... YOU KNOW? SURE.

YOU NEED SOMETHING?

DID YOU GET A HAIRCUT?

NO.

YOU LOOK GOOD TODAY.

THANK YOU.

YOU, TOO.

NEW SUIT?

NO.

YOU LOOK GOOD.

WHAT'D YOU NEED, C.J.?

A TUTOR.

A TUTOR?

YES.

WHAT FOR?

I READ MY BRIEFING BOOK LAST NIGHT

ON THE COMMERCE BILL REGARDING THE CENSUS.

THERE'S CERTAIN PARTS OF IT

I DON'T QUITE UNDERSTAND.

I CAN HELP YOU OUT. WHICH PARTS?

WELL, ALL OF IT.

ALL OF IT? YES.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE CENSUS?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND CERTAIN NUANCES.

LIKE WHAT? LIKE THE CENSUS.

WE'VE BEEN WORKING ON THIS COMMERCE BILL FOR THREE WEEKS.

I HEAR YOU TALK ABOUT THE CENSUS ALL THE TIME.

YEAH... YEAH.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND. HOW CAN YOU...?

I'VE BEEN FAKING IT.

YOU'VE BEEN FAKING IT?

I'VE BEEN PLAYING IT FAST AND LOOSE--

NO DOUBT ABOUT IT-- BUT SITTING IN ON

THE MEETINGS AND READING THE BRIEFING BOOK LAST NIGHT

I HAVE TO SAY THE CENSUS IS STARTING

TO SOUND TO ME LIKE IT'S... WELL, IMPORTANT.

UH-HUH.

AND I'VE COME TO THE REALIZATION THAT

IF I'M GOING TO BE TALKING

ABOUT IT ALL WEEK, IT'S PROBABLY BEST

THAT I UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING.

WHEN? WHEN WHAT?

WHEN DID YOU COME TO THIS REALIZATION?

ABOUT AN HOUR AGO.

OKAY. LET'S... I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

LET'S FORGET ABOUT THE FACT

THAT YOU'RE COMING A LITTLE LATE TO THE PARTY

AND EMBRACE THE IDEA THAT YOU SHOWED UP AT ALL.

THAT'S WHAT I SAY.

WE'LL START AT LUNCH. THANK YOU.

YOU'VE BEEN FAKING IT? YES.

WITH THE PRESIDENT?

I KNOW. I SHOULD PROBABLY NOT DO THAT.

YOU THINK? I'LL SEE YOU AT LUNCH.

HI.

HEY.

CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

ABOUT WHAT? THE BUDGET SURPLUS.

GO AHEAD. THERE'S A $30 BILLION BUDGET SURPLUS.

IT'LL ACTUALLY SHAKE DOWN TO ABOUT $32 BILLION.

WHATEVER.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY? WHAT DO THEY SAY?

A BILLION DOLLARS HERE, A BILLION DOLLARS THERE.

SOONER OR LATER, IT STARTS TO ADD UP TO REAL MONEY.

THAT'S A NIFTY SAYING, JOSH.

I DIDN'T COIN IT OR ANYTHING.

WE HAVE A $32 BILLION BUDGET SURPLUS

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THREE DECADES. YES.

THE REPUBLICANS IN CONGRESS

WANT TO USE THIS MONEY FOR TAX RELIEF? YES.

ESSENTIALLY, THEY WANT TO GIVE BACK THE MONEY. YES.

WHY DON'T WE WANT TO GIVE BACK THE MONEY?

'CAUSE WE'RE DEMOCRATS.

IT'S NOT THE GOVERNMENT'S MONEY.

SURE IT IS. IT'S IN OUR BANK ACCOUNT.

ONLY 'CAUSE WE COLLECTED MORE MONEY THAN WE NEEDED.

ISN'T IT GREAT?

I WANT MY MONEY BACK. SORRY.

WE'RE NOT DONE WITH THIS.

I DIDN'T THINK SO.

Leo: $12 MILLION TO ESTABLISH

AN APPALACHIAN TRANSPORTATION INSTITUTE.

$1.5 MILLION

TO STUDY PARKING FACILITIES AT COMMERCIAL TRUCK STOPS.

$3 MILLION TO PRODUCE A DOCUMENTARY

ON HIGHWAY INFRASTRUCTURE.

THESE ARE JUST SOME OF TODAY'S ADDITIONS

TO THE APPROPRIATIONS BILL

AND THAT'S JUST IN THE AREA OF TRANSPORTATION.

$2 MILLION FOR A VOLCANO MONITOR IN ALASKA

TO WARN PASSING AIRPLANES ABOUT ASH.

BY THE WAY, THE F.A.A. DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

$550,000 FOR NEW YORK STATE

TO RESTORE THE HOME OF SUSAN B. ANTHONY.

WHILE WE'RE AT IT, THE TILE IN MY SHOWER COULD USE REGROUTING.

SOMEBODY PLEASE REMIND ME WHAT'S IN THIS FOR US?

POWER ZONES, U.S. RAIL AND FEDERAL FUNDING

FOR 100,000 NEW PUBLIC SCHOOL TEACHERS.

THANK YOU.

HOW'S THIS WORKING?

WE HAVE A MEETING WITH GLADMAN AND SKINNER.

THEY REPRESENT TWO OF THE THREE SWING VOTES

ON THE COMMERCE COMMITTEE.

SWING VOTES IN TERMS OF THE CENSUS.

YES, AND IF THEY AGREE TO DROP THE SAMPLING PROHIBITION

THE APPROPRIATIONS BILL COULD PASS WITHOUT A PROBLEM.

WHO'S THE THIRD?

THE THIRD?

YOU SAID THREE SWING VOTES: GLADMAN, SKINNER...

JANICE WILLIS'S HUSBAND.

RIGHT.

PRESUMABLY, HE'LL DO WHAT HE'S TOLD.

WE'RE FINE. YOU SURE?

TOMORROW'S THE START OF A THREE-DAY WEEKEND.

435 CONGRESSMAN WANT TO MAKE THEIR FLIGHTS HOME IN THE MORNING.

YOU THINK THAT'LL DO IT?

OH, I KNOW THAT'LL DO IT.

WHAT TIME'S THE MEETING?

11:00.

JUST DON'T DO ANYTHING TO SCREW UP

OR IN ANY WAY EMBARRASS ME, OKAY?

LEO. KNUTE ROCKNE.

SOMETIMES, I GET THEM MIXED UP.

GO.

Butterfield: IF THEY HOP THE FENCE

THEY'RE GOING TO JAIL.

WHAT THEY DO ONCE WE GET TO THEM

IS WHAT'S GOING TO DETERMINE FOR HOW LONG.

WHAT TRIPPED THE ALARM?

THERE ARE ALARMS IN THE GROUND HERE

HERE, HERE, HERE

HERE, HERE AND HERE.

SHE TRIPPED IT HERE.

SHE?

YES, SIR.

IT WASN'T A FRATERNITY STUNT?

NO, SIR.

IT WAS A MENTALLY UNBALANCED WOMAN IN HER 40s.

WELL, YOU KNOW, JUST TRYING TO KILL ME ISN'T NECESSARILY

EVIDENCE OF BEING MENTALLY UNBALANCED.

SIR, IT APPEARS FROM HER STATEMENT

YOU WEREN'T THE TARGET.

I WASN'T?

NO, SIR.

WHO WAS?

YOUR DAUGHTER.

ZOEY?

YES, SIR.

President: LEO.

GOOD MORNING, MR. PRESIDENT.

YOU KNOW RON BUTTERFIELD.

HE SAYS IT WAS A WOMAN.

WE SPOKE LAST NIGHT.

WE'RE STILL REVIEWING THE FRAME-BY-FRAME.

I'LL GET A REPORT FIRST THING? YES, SIR.

MR. PRESIDENT, IF I COULD EXCUSE MYSELF TO THE OUTER OFFICE

I COULD MAKE A CALL AND SEE...

OF COURSE. HELP YOURSELF.

THANK YOU, SIR.

THIS WOMAN WAS AFTER ZOEY?

THERE WERE EIGHT SECURITY CHECKS

BETWEEN WHERE THE WOMAN WAS AND ZOEY'S BEDROOM.

THERE'S NO NEED FOR ZOEY TO KNOW ABOUT THIS, RIGHT?

NO.

WHAT DO YOU NEED?

THIS MAY BE THE WRONG TIME, MR. PRESIDENT

BUT I WANTED TO SPEAK TO YOU ABOUT...

AS THE GAME WAS BREAKING UP LAST NIGHT

YOU MENTIONED I SHOULD SAY HELLO

TO JENNY...

HANG ON A SECOND. WHAT DO YOU GOT, RON?

YOU'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOW

OUR SECURITY SYSTEM WORKED EXACTLY THE WAY

IT'S SUPPOSED TO WORK.

I GUESS THAT'S SOMETHING.

YES, SIR.

YOU'LL SEND THE FULL REPORT?

ABOUT TWO HOURS. YOU WERE SAYING?

IT CAN WAIT.

YOU SURE? YEAH.

GOOD SEEING YOU, RON.

I'LL SEE YOU IN AN HOUR, SIR.

ALRIGHT. THANKS.

I GUESS WE'RE DONE, TOO.

I WOULDN'T LOSE A LOT OF SLEEP OVER IT, SIR.

NO, NO.

GOOD SEEING YOU, MR. PRESIDENT.

YOU, TOO.

RON?

YES, SIR.

DID SHE HAVE A GUN?

YES, SIR.

OKAY.

THANK YOU.

( sighs )

Man: JOSH, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

Josh: CONGRESSMAN.

MANDY, IF I'D KNOWN YOU WERE GOING TO BE HERE

I WOULD'VE HAVE BROUGHT MY SWORD AND SHIELD.

CHAMPAGNE AND FLOWERS WOULD'VE DONE THE TRICK.

HAVE YOU MET JOE WILLIS?

Josh: NO, WE HAVEN'T.

MY WIFE WAS JANICE WILLIS.

I KNOW.

SHE PASSED AWAY LAST MONTH.

SO, I'VE TAKEN OVER HER SEAT IN CONGRESS.

YES, SIR, WE KNOW AND WE'RE SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.

THE WHITE HOUSE SENT FLOWERS AND THE PRESIDENT WROTE

A VERY BEAUTIFUL NOTE.

I WONDER IF YOU COULD PASS ALONG MY THANKS.

WE SURE WILL, CONGRESSMAN.

AH, PLEASE, NO-- I'M NOT A CONGRESSMAN.

I TEACH EIGHTH-GRADE SOCIAL STUDIES

AND THIS IS ONLY TEMPORARY UNTIL...

MORNING.

EVERYONE GOT FRUIT? EVERYONE GOT BAGELS?

GOOD, GOOD.

CHRISTOPHER...

ANTHONY, WOULD YOU MIND PUTTING MY COPY

OF THE APPROPRIATIONS BILL ON THE TABLE, PLEASE?

THANK YOU, CHRISTOPHER...

THANK YOU, ANTHONY...

AND THANK YOU, CATHY.

WHY DON'T WE TAKE OUR SEATS?

CONGRESSMAN SKINNER, WELCOME.

CONGRESSMAN GLADMAN

ALWAYS GOOD TO HAVE YOU HERE, SIR.

CONGRESSMAN WILLIS, I WAS A GREAT FAN

OF YOUR LATE WIFE. THANK YOU.

THIS REPRESENTS THE LATEST DRAFT

OF THE HOUSE APPROPRIATIONS BILL.

IT IS 7,000 PAGES LONG

AND WEIGHS OVER 55 POUNDS.

IT INCLUDES $1.2 MILLION

FOR A LETTUCE GENETICIST IN SALINAS, CALIFORNIA

AND $1.7 MILLION FOR MANURE HANDLING

IN STARKVILLE, MISSISSIPPI.

TOBY, YOU KNOW THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.

EIGHT STATES WILL DIVIDE $5 MILLION

TO RESEARCH THE USES OF... WOOD.

YEAH, WE, UH, WE-WE SAW THAT ONE.

I'M THINKING OF SOME USES FOR IT NOW.

I THOUGHT WE WERE HERE TO TALK ABOUT THE CENSUS.

WE ARE.

THE WHITE HOUSE JUST WANTED TO POINT OUT

THAT YOU ARE CRIMINALS AND DESPOTS.

THANK YOU...

NO PROBLEM. BUT THAT WON'T STOP THE PRESIDENT

FROM SIGNING THE BILL INTO LAW?

Josh: NO, SADLY, IT WON'T.

WHAT WILL STOP THE PRESIDENT

FROM SIGNING THE BILL IS

THE AMENDMENT YOUR COMMITTEE IS OFFERING ON THE CENSUS.

THE THREE OF YOU REPRESENT

THE SWING VOTE ON THE COMMERCE COMMITTEE.

YOU DROP THE CENSUS AMENDMENT

AND THE APPROPRIATIONS BILL GOES THROUGH WITHOUT A HITCH.

INSIST ON THE LAW PROHIBITING SAMPLING

AND YOU CAN COUNT ON A LONG FLOOR FIGHT

FOLLOWED BY AN ALMOST CERTAIN VETO.

Toby: I WOULD LIKE TO EMPHASIZE

THE "LONG FLOOR FIGHT" OF IT ALL

AND REMIND YOU THAT I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CONSCIENCE

WHEN IT COMES TO EXPLOITING YOUR NONREFUNDABLE

AIRLINE TICKETS

FOR THE WEEKEND.

WITH THAT IN MIND...

UH, EXCUSE ME...

YES, SIR.

I'M NOT LEAVING TOWN.

I'M SORRY?

I'M NOT LEAVING TOWN THIS WEEKEND.

I WAS GOING TO STAY

AND SEE SOME OF JANICE'S FRIENDS.

SO, THERE'S NO NEED TO RUSH

ON MY ACCOUNT.

YOU CAN TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS YOU LIKE.

GOOD... THEN...

( clears throat )

LET'S TALK.

C.J.: AND YOU'RE GOING TO GO SLOWLY, RIGHT?

YES.

PRETEND, FOR THE PURPOSES OF THIS CONVERSATION

THAT I'M DUMB.

LET ME TRY AND CONJURE AN IMAGE

OF YOU AS A STUPID PERSON.

CRACKING WISE?

I'M COMING TO YOU EXPOSED AND VULNERABLE.

YOUR OFFICE-- I'M COMING TO YOU.

I MEANT SYMBOLICALLY.

AH.

I'M A PERSON SAYING

"THERE'S SOMETHING I DO NOT KNOW.

WILL YOU TEACH ME?"

IT'S HARD TO ADMIT YOU DON'T KNOW SOMETHING.

THAT MAKES ME SUBMISSIVE.

WHAT IS IT EXACTLY YOU'RE ASKING ME TO DO?

I'M ADMITTING TO YOU THAT...

THERE ARE THINGS I DO NOT KNOW.

AND I'M TELLING YOU I DON'T THINK ANYBODY

WOULD HAVE ANY TROUBLE IMAGINING THAT THERE ARE THINGS

YOU DO NOT KNOW.

EXPLAIN IT TO ME.

THE CONSTITUTION MANDATES

THAT EVERY TEN YEARS WE COUNT EVERYBODY.

WHY? BECAUSE REPRESENTATION

AT THE VARIOUS LEVELS OF THE GOVERNMENT--

FEDERAL, STATE AND MUNICIPAL--

IS BASED ON POPULATION.

THE ONLY WAY TO FIND OUT

HOW MANY CONGRESSMEN CALIFORNIA GETS IS

TO COUNT THE PEOPLE IN CALIFORNIA.

IF THE BRIEFING BOOK HAD BEEN WRITTEN THAT CLEARLY

I WOULD'VE EASILY UNDERSTOOD.

WE'RE NOT THROUGH YET.

OKAY.

THE DECENNIAL CENSUS HAS ALWAYS BEEN DONE

BY A DOOR-TO-DOOR HEAD COUNT.

SOME 950,000 PROFESSIONALS ARE HIRED.

THE PROCESS COSTS

APPROXIMATELY $6.9 BILLION.

THE PROCESS IS ALSO VERY INACCURATE.

TENDS TO BE SIGNIFICANTLY DISADVANTAGEOUS

TO INNER-CITY POPULATIONS, RECENT IMMIGRANT POPULATIONS

AND, OF COURSE, THE HOMELESS.

YOU ARE A VERY GOOD TEACHER, SAM.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT IN THIS...

YOUR TIME OF VULNERABILITY?

YES.

I APPRECIATE IT.

WE'RE NOT DONE YET.

OKAY.

OH, HEY, BABY.

HI, DADDY.

MMM...

MMM...

CAN YOU STAY LONG?

NO, I JUST WANTED TO BRING YOU SOME STUFF FROM HOME.

OH, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

WELL, I WANTED YOU TO HAVE SOME STUFF THAT YOU LIKE.

I'M REALLY FINE, MAL.

YOU'RE OKAY AT THE HOTEL?

I WANTED MOM TO HAVE THE HOUSE.

BUT YOU'RE GOING TO LOOK FOR A PLACE, RIGHT?

I CAN HELP YOU OUT ON THE WEEKENDS.

MALLORY, THIS THING WITH YOUR MOTHER AND ME, IT'LL BLOW OVER.

NO, IT WON'T, DAD.

YOU UNDERSTAND THAT, RIGHT?

THIS IS NOT AMORTIZED OVER THE LIFE OF THE BUDGET.

THIS IS A ONE-TIME EXPERIMENT.

THIS IS A PURELY PARTISAN ISSUE, MANDY.

THE DEMOCRATS WANT BACK THE HOUSE.

I WON'T DENY THERE'S SOMETHING FOR US TO GAIN.

NO, NO, NO, IT'S LIKE YOU-YOU LOST THE BATTLE...

DID HE SAY WHAT IT WAS ABOUT?

NO. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME GETTING MY MONEY BACK?

YOU WON'T SPEND IT RIGHT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

LET'S SAY YOUR CUT OF THE SURPLUS IS $700.

I WANT TO TAKE YOUR MONEY

COMBINE IT WITH EVERYBODY ELSE'S MONEY

AND USE IT TO PAY DOWN THE DEBT

AND FURTHER ENDOW SOCIAL SECURITY.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WITH IT?

BUY A DVD PLAYER.

SEE?

BUT MY $700 IS HELPING EMPLOY THE PEOPLE

WHO MANUFACTURE AND SELL DVD PLAYERS

NOT TO MENTION THE PEOPLE WHO MANUFACTURE AND SELL DVDs.

IT'S THE NATURAL EVOLUTION OF A MARKET ECONOMY.

THE PROBLEM IS THE DVD PLAYER YOU BUY

MIGHT BE MADE IN JAPAN.

I'LL BUY AN AMERICAN ONE.

WE DON'T TRUST YOU.

WHY NOT?

WE'RE DEMOCRATS.

I WANT MY MONEY.

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE VOTED FOR US.

HEY, CHARLIE.

WHAT'S UP, JOSH?

MRS. LANDINGHAM, I GOT A MESSAGE HE NEEDED TO SEE ME.

SURE. GO ON IN.

YES.

YES.

YES, OF COURSE.

I'M ON A CONFERENCE CALL WITH THE POSTMASTER GENERAL.

WHAT'S IT ABOUT?

I HONESTLY COULDN'T TELL YOU.

AH. LOOK, I WANT YOU

TO DO ME A FAVOR. OF COURSE.

TAKE CHARLIE OUT FOR A BEER TONIGHT.

TAKE HIM FOR A BEER?

YEAH. THE KID HAS NO LIFE.

YOU'RE THE ONLY GUY AROUND HERE HE KNOWS AT ALL.

TAKE HIM OUT FOR A COUPLE OF BEERS, YOU GUYS COME BACK

WE'LL ALL WATCH THE VOTE IN LEO'S OFFICE.

SURE.

GOOD. THANKS. I'LL GIVE YOU CASH.

NO, SIR, I DON'T NEED...

DON'T BE SILLY.

I HAVE MONEY, MR. PRESIDENT.

YOU SURE? YES, SIR.

TRUTH BE KNOWN, I DON'T HAVE ANY CASH ON ME.

THAT'S FINE.

I DON'T CARRY ANY CASH ANYMORE.

I DON'T CARRY KEYS, EITHER.

I WOULDN'T THINK YOU'D NEED THEM.

HOW'S IT GOING IN THERE?

WE'LL SEE.

I APPRECIATE IT.

YES, SIR.

President: YES?

CHARLIE...

YES? YOU GOT PLANS TONIGHT?

NO. YOU DON'T HAVE TO SIT WITH YOUR SISTER?

SLEEPOVER AT HER GIRLFRIEND'S.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

HAVE A BEER WITH ME. WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

TONIGHT, WE'LL GO TO A BAR IN GEORGETOWN.

WE'LL... SPEAK AS MEN DO.

WE WILL? YEAH.

UM... WHAT KIND OF BAR IS THIS, JOSH?

NO.

IT'S FINE.

OKAY.

GREAT.

JOSH, AREN'T YOU A LITTLE OLD

TO BE LEERING AT COLLEGE COEDS?

I'M A FULBRIGHT SCHOLAR, MRS. LANDINGHAM.

I DON'T LEER.

ALSO, THERE'LL BE PLENTY OF GRAD STUDENTS THERE.

OH, WELL, GOOD, THEN.

SO, I'LL COME GET YOU.

Charlie: OKAY. GREAT.

JOSH...

HEY.

HEY.

TAKE US WITH YOU.

WHERE? OUT TONIGHT.

YOUR PLANS WITH CHARLIE.

HOW DO YOU KNOW WE'RE GOING OUT?

MY DAD JUST TOLD US.

HE SAID YOU SHOULD TAKE US WITH YOU.

THE MAN IS LIKE A CAMP COUNSELOR.

OH, TAKE US WITH YOU, JOSH.

TAKE US WITH YOU. NO.

THESE ARE PLANS AMONG MEN.

WE DON'T CARE IF YOU FLIRT WITH THE COEDS.

OKAY, THERE'S GOING TO BE GRAD STUDENTS THERE.

CAN WE KEEP THAT IN MIND?

IT SOUNDED, UH, KIND OF LIKE AN ORDER, JOSH.

FINE.

BRING SAM SEABORN.

SAM'S GOT ENOUGH GOING ON IN HIS LIFE RIGHT NOW

WITHOUT YOU MAKING A BOOTY CALL.

I AM NOT MAKING A BOOTY CALL.

WE HAD AN INTERESTING CONVERSATION THAT GOT INTERRUPTED

AND I'D LIKE TO FINISH IT WITH HIM.

WHATEVER.

THIS IS GOING TO BE FUN.

THE PRESIDENT'S DAUGHTER

AND THE CHIEF OF STAFF'S DAUGHTER

A GEORGETOWN BAR AND SAM--

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

HEAD COUNTS HAVE PROVEN STAGGERINGLY INACCURATE.

WHY?

HOW ARE YOU GOING TO COUNT THE HOMELESS?

THERE'S A LARGE POPULATION OF PEOPLE WHO DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH

AND PLENTY OF PEOPLE, PARTICULARLY IN THE INNER CITY

DON'T WANT TO ANSWER QUESTIONS

WHEN YOU KNOCK ON THEIR DOOR.

PLUS, IT'S ALWAYS BEEN HARD.

SAMPLING, THE STATISTICIANS HAVE TOLD US

IS A MUCH MORE EFFECTIVE WAY OF GETTING A GOOD CENSUS.

AND WHAT'S THE LEGAL ARGUMENT?

THE LEGAL ARGUMENT IS IT'S UNCONSTITUTIONAL.

THE LEGAL ARGUMENT IS IT'S AGAINST THE LAW.

BUT IF SAMPLING'S REALLY AGAINST THE LAW

WHY WOULD CONGRESS BE TRYING TO PASS LEGISLATION SAYING

SAMPLING'S AGAINST THE LAW?

SEE HOW GOOD IT FEELS

TO UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT?

SEE HOW I CAN DO IT WITHOUT BEING PATRONIZING?

WHAT HAPPENED TO, "YOU

"LOOK GOOD TODAY"? I GOT OVER IT.

Josh: SAM. YEAH.

I'M TAKING CHARLIE FOR A BEER TONIGHT.

ZOEY AND MALLORY ARE COMING.

SOUNDS GOOD. I LIKE BEER.

IF YOU WANT TO COME, I GUESS THAT'D BE OKAY.

WHY, JOSH, YOU'VE... YOU'VE SWEPT ME OFF MY FEET.

WHATEVER.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

IN THE LAST CENSUS, 8 MILLION PEOPLE

MOSTLY BLACK, WEREN'T COUNTED

AND IN THE SAME CENSUS, FOUR MILLION PEOPLE

MOSTLY WHITE, WERE COUNTED TWICE.

Toby: SAMPLING WILL GIVE A COUNT

THAT BEARS A MUCH GREATER RELATIONSHIP TO REALITY

AND IT'LL DO IT TO THE TUNE OF $4 BILLION LESS

THAN A DOOR-TO-DOOR HEAD COUNT.

SAMPLING WILL COST $2.7 BILLION

AND AN INACCURATE HEAD COUNT

WILL COST 6.9.

EVERY SINGLE EXPERT

INCLUDING THE CENSUS BUREAU ITSELF

WHICH IS A BIPARTISAN COMMISSION

HAS SAID... SAMPLING IS BETTER.

WE'VE HEARD THESE ARGUMENTS MANY TIMES

BUT IN THIS COUNTRY WE HAVE A CONSTITUTION.

WE ARE AWARE OF THAT.

Skinner: THE CONSTITUTION IS VERY CLEAR ON THIS.

I DON'T THINK IT IS.

UNTIL THE COURT RULES THAT SAMPLING IS CONSTITUTIONAL.

THE ARTICLE IS ARCANE.

OH, COME ON, TOBY

THE ARTICLE IS NOT ARCANE.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT IT.

WE DON'T HAVE TIME...

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT IT.

Gladman: TOBY...

NONE OF US IS A CONSTITUTIONAL SCHOLAR AND WE...

IT'S NOT GOING TO TAKE LONG.

Toby: MY STAFF UNEARTHED A COPY.

Skinner: TOBY, COME ON.

WE'VE BEEN HERE FOR SIX...

Toby: MANDY, WOULD YOU READ PLEASE

FROM ARTICLE ONE, SECTION TWO.

Gladman: THIS IS SILLY.

IT IS THE OWNER'S MANUAL.

WE SHOULD READ WHAT IT HAS TO SAY.

Mandy: "REPRESENTATIVES AND DIRECT TAXES SHALL BE APPORTIONED

"AMONG THE SEVERAL STATES

"WHICH MAY BE INCLUDED WITHIN THIS UNION

"ACCORDING TO THEIR RESPECTIVE NUMBERS

"WHICH SHALL BE DETERMINED BY ADDING THE WHOLE NUMBER

"OF PERSONS, INCLUDING THOSE BOUND TO SERVICE

FOR A TERM OF YEARS."

WELL, YOU SAID IT RIGHT THERE.

IT SAYS "WHICH SHALL BE DETERMINED

BY THE WHOLE NUMBER OF PERSONS."

"THE WHOLE NUMBER OF PERSONS."

NOT THE END OF AN EQUATION THAT SOME STATISTICIAN

GOT OFF OF A COMPUTER.

IT SAYS SO RIGHT THERE.

ACTUALLY, THAT'S NOT WHAT IT SAYS.

W-W-WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

MANDY LEFT OUT A FEW WORDS

DIDN'T SHE, MR. WILLIS?

YES.

MR. WILLIS TEACHES EIGHTH GRADE SOCIAL STUDIES AND MR. WILLIS

KNOWS VERY WELL WHAT THE ARTICLE SAYS.

IT SAYS, "WHICH SHALL BE DETERMINED BY ADDING

"THE WHOLE NUMBER OF FREE PERSONS...

AND THREE FIFTHS OF ALL OTHER PERSONS."

THREE FIFTHS OF ALL OTHER PERSONS.

THEY MEANT YOU, MR. WILLIS, DIDN'T THEY?

YES.

MR. WILLIS, YOU ARE ASKING TO ENACT A LAW

WHICH WILL LIMIT THE ABILITY

OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO NEED TO BE COUNTED THE MOST

TO BE COUNTED AS PEOPLE AT ALL

AND THEIR ONLY REFUGE IS THE ARGUMENT

THAT ARTICLE I, SECTION TWO IS NOT ARCANE.

WELL, I THINK WE'RE THROUGH HERE.

I CAN REPORT BACK

TO THE CHAIRMAN OF MY COMMITTEE

BUT I REALLY DON'T THINK THAT EITHER HE

OR THE LEADERSHIP IS GOING TO ALLOW ANY ONE OF US

TO CHANGE OUR VOTES.

CONGRESSMAN, YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT TYING UP

AN APPROPRIATIONS BILL...

DON'T TELL US WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT, TOBY.

AND WAITING TILL

THE 11th HOUR TO CALL...

WHAT IS THIS? THE FOURTH TIME

THAT WE'VE ARRANGED THIS MEETING

AND BY THE WAY...

I WILL.

WHAT, SIR?

I THINK WE SHOULD DROP IT.

JOE...

THAT'S MY CHOICE

RIGHT? JOE, THE CHAIRMAN OF OUR COMMITTEE

RECOMMENDS THAT...

NO, I SAW WHAT HE RECOMMENDED

AND I APPRECIATE HIS HELP

BUT IT'S STILL MY CHOICE, RIGHT?

ABSOLUTELY, SIR.

IT IS YOUR CHOICE.

WELL, THEN, I CHANGE MY MIND.

I THINK WE SHOULD DROP THE CENSUS AMENDMENT

AND LET THE APPROPRIATIONS BILL GO THROUGH

AS IS.

JOE...

UNTIL THE COURT RULES

ON WHETHER SAMPLING IS CONSTITUTIONAL.

WELL... THEN...

EXCELLENT.

WELL, LOOKS LIKE YOU SNUCK ONE IN THE BACK DOOR, EH, TOBY?

I GOT THROUGH WHATEVER DOOR WAS OPEN TO ME.

WELL, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO REVISIT THIS.

YES.

MR. WILLIS, DO YOU NEED ANY HELP TO FIND YOUR WAY OUT?

NO, THANK YOU.

I THINK I CAN MANAGE.

THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN.

HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND.

THANK YOU.

GO TELL LEO.

MR. WILLIS ...

YOU CAN CALL ME JOE.

IF YOU DON'T MIND ME ASKING, SIR, WHAT CHANGED YOUR MIND?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL, I KNOW IT WASN'T EXPEDIENCY, SIR.

I WAS WONDERING

WHAT CHANGED YOUR MIND?

YOU DID.

I THOUGHT YOU MADE A VERY STRONG ARGUMENT.

WELL, THANK YOU.

UH...

( chuckling )

I'M SMILING

BECAUSE... WELL, AROUND HERE

THE MERITS OF A PARTICULAR ARGUMENT

GENERALLY TAKE A BACKSEAT TO POLITICAL TACTICS.

I WOULD IMAGINE.

YEAH.

IT WORKED ON ME.

I WAS TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOU, SIR.

I KNOW.

THERE ARE SOME THINGS I DID NOT MENTION.

FIRST OF ALL, IT IS PARTISAN.

SECOND OF ALL, I'M NOT WILD

ABOUT THE PRECEDENT.

YOU MEAN... WHAT'S TO STOP US

FROM SAYING, "WE DON'T NEED ELECTIONS.

WE'LL JUST USE POLLING DATA."

1,150 WITH A SAMPLING ERROR OF PLUS OR MINUS THREE WILL DECIDE

WHO RUNS THE COUNTRY.

I THOUGHT ABOUT THAT.

AND?

IT'S OKAY BY ME AS LONG AS IT'S NOT THE SAME PEOPLE

WHO DECIDE WHAT'S ON TELEVISION.

( both laughing )

TOBY...

I'M NOT NEARLY AS SMART AS MY WIFE WAS.

I WENT TO NIGHT SCHOOL BECAUSE I WENT TO WORK PRETTY YOUNG.

I TRIED TO UNDERSTAND THE THINGS

JANICE BROUGHT HOME FROM THE OFFICE

BUT I WASN'T IN HER LEAGUE.

I NEVER UNDERSTOOD WHAT SHE WANTED WITH A DUMMY LIKE ME.

I THINK THE PROBLEMS

THAT WE'RE GOING TO FACE IN THE NEW CENTURY

ARE FAR BEYOND THE WISDOM OF SOLOMON, LET ALONE ME.

BUT I THINK THE RIGHT PLACE TO START IS TO SAY

"FAIR IS FAIR.

"THIS IS WHO WE ARE.

THESE ARE OUR NUMBERS."

I'M SORRY I NEVER GOT TO KNOW YOUR WIFE, SIR.

SHE WOULD HAVE LIKED YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

I'VE GOT A ROLL CALL.

NOTHING TO IT.

THEY CALL YOUR NAME, YOU VOTE "YEA."

WELL, THIS IS MY FIRST AND LIKELY MY ONLY VOTE

IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES.

WELL, GOOD LUCK, CONGRESSMAN.

THANK YOU.

YOU WANTED TO READ THESE WITH DINNER.

THANKS.

WOULD YOU LIKE THE TOKYO EXCHANGE

SENT TO YOUR BEDROOM? YEAH, SURE.

AND THE CALL FROM THE SECRETARY?

YES.

WOULD YOU LIKE IT IN THE DINING ROOM?

I'LL TAKE THE CALL WHEREVER I AM

WHEN HE CALLS, I GUESS.

THERE'S NO NEED TO ADOPT A TONE, SIR.

I'M JUST TRYING TO GET OUT OF HERE.

WOULD THERE BE ANYTHING ELSE? I'M SAYING NO.

I JUST WANT TO GO HOME.

THERE'S THAT TONE AGAIN.

MR. PRESIDENT...

GOOD NIGHT, SIR.

GOOD NIGHT, MRS. LANDINGHAM.

I HEARD IT'S DONE.

YEAH, COMMERCE WILL LEAVE

THE CENSUS AMENDMENT IN COMMITTEE

APPROPRIATIONS WILL PASS.

NO PROBLEM.

GOOD. I'M HEADED

OVER TO THE RESIDENCE. I NEEDED TO SPEAK

TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING.

SURE.

THANK YOU.

I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU EARLIER, BUT...

I MOVED OUT OF THE HOUSE.

JENNY'S ASKING ME FOR A DIVORCE.

YOU'RE KIDDING ME.

NO.

LEO, YOU'RE KIDDING ME.

NO.

WHAT HAPPENED?

NOTHING HAPPENED, MR. PRESIDENT.

IT'S JUST ONE OF THOSE...

DON'T TELL ME NOTHING HAPPENED, LEO.

I KNOW YOU.

I KNOW JENNY.

MARRIED COUPLES LIKE YOU

DON'T JUST GET DIVORCED

BECAUSE NOTHING HAPPENED. NOTHING HAPPENED.

IT'S NOT LIKE THAT.

I WANT TO TALK TO JENNY.

FEEL FREE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THIS HAPPENED, LEO.

YOU AND JENNY WERE HAPPY.

JENNY WAS NOT HAPPY.

BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T SPENDING

ENOUGH TIME WITH HER?

YES, BUT THAT'S NOT...

A MARRIAGE

NEEDS ATTENTION, LEO.

IT CAN'T RUN ON AUTOPILOT.

COME ON, IT'S NOT YOUR PROM DATE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HERE.

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT YOUR FAMILY.

WELL, MR. PRESIDENT, THANK YOU FOR POINTING THAT OUT.

I TRIED TO SQUEEZE IN AS MUCH TIME AS I COULD

BETWEEN MY WINE TASTING CLUB

AND RUNNING YOUR WHITE HOUSE.

YOU CAN'T BLAME THIS ON ME.

I'M NOT BLAMING YOU FOR IT, SIR.

I'M NOT BLAMING ANYONE FOR IT.

IT JUST HAPPENED.

THESE THINGS HAPPEN.

WHEN DID IT HAPPEN?

TWO WEEKS AGO.

AND YOU'RE JUST NOW TELLING ME?

HONESTLY? I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT JENNY.

I THOUGHT YOU'D THINK THAT SOMEHOW YOU WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR IT

AND YOU'D TURN THAT GUILT INTO AN INAPPROPRIATE ANGER

TOWARD ME, WHICH, FRANKLY

I CAN LIVE WITHOUT RIGHT NOW.

I CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT MADE ME THINK ALL THAT.

FIX THIS, LEO.

IT'S NOT AS SIMPLE AS THAT.

IT IS AS SIMPLE AS THAT.

YOU'RE THE MAN.

FIX IT.

MR. PRESIDENT...

FIX IT.

GOOD NIGHT, SIR.

GOOD NIGHT, LEO.

SO, YOUR FRIEND COULDN'T COME TONIGHT?

BY FRIEND, OF COURSE, YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT...

YOUR SPECIAL FRIEND.

SAM, DOES SHE MEAN...?

MY SPECIAL FRIEND.

WHAT SPECIAL FRIEND?

HIS SPECIAL FRIEND THAT ZOEY CAN'T KNOW ABOUT.

THE HOOKER.

OKAY. SHE'S NOT A HOOKER.

SHE'S A CALL GIRL.

AND HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?

MALLORY TOLD ME.

HOW DOES MALLORY KNOW ABOUT THAT?

I TOLD HER.

YOU TOLD OUR BOSS' DAUGHTER THAT YOU SLEPT WITH A CALL GIRL?

I THOUGHT SHE WAS A SCHOOLTEACHER

WHO CAME IN WITH HER CLASS.

YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE TELLING A STRANGER

THAT YOU SLEPT WITH A CALL GIRL.

ACCIDENTALLY... SLEPT WITH A CALL GIRL.

MALLORY, DOES YOUR FATHER KNOW?

NO.

ZOEY?

DOES YOUR FATHER KNOW?

NOT YET.

OH, SO, THIS IS GOING TO BE A THING.

ZOEY AND I HAVE DECIDED

THAT IT'S TIME WE START COLLECTING I.O.U.s.

UH...

SHE DIDN'T BRING MY GRASSHOPPER.

SHE DIDN'T? NO.

MAYBE SHE JUST FELT REALLY STUPID ORDERING IT.

THE GRASSHOPPER IS A PERFECTLY RESPECTABLE...

I'LL GET IT.

I WANT TO SEE THEM MAKE IT.

( laughter )

COULD YOU HOLD THESE?

IT'S JUST LIPSTICK, AND STUFF.

MY PANIC BUTTON.

RUINS THE LINE

OF MY OUTFIT.

IT'S CALLED A GRASSHOPPER?

STRAIGHT UP.

MAKE SURE THEY MAKE IT EXTRA THICK AND GREEN.

WHAT IS A PANIC BUTTON?

OH, YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

I'VE SEEN IT IN ACTION.

THE PRESIDENT IS A VERY PROTECTIVE FATHER.

SO, YOU'RE HAVING A GOOD TIME TONIGHT?

YEAH. I APPRECIATE IT.

SEEMS LIKE YOU'RE NOT HAVING A GOOD TIME.

HE'S HAVING A GOOD TIME.

YOU THINK THEY KNOW I DON'T GO TO COLLEGE?

WHO?

ALL THESE PEOPLE.

YOU'RE TWICE AS SMART AS ANYONE IN THE ROOM.

YEAH, BUT I DON'T GO TO COLLEGE.

RELAX.

YOU'RE TELLING HIM TO RELAX

WITH THIS SENSE OF URGENCY.

MAKING SURE HE'S HAVING A GOOD TIME TONIGHT.

HE'S HAVING A GOOD TIME.

YOU RELAX.

HEY.

HEY.

HI. UM, WH-WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

WHAT?

UH...

I SAID WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?

HEY, HE'S JUST ASKING FOR YOUR NAME.

I'M...

WAIT. WAIT.

WHY DON'T WE GUESS YOUR NAME? ALRIGHT?

SURE.

ALRIGHT, BECAUSE I BET WE CAN GUESS IT.

I WOULDN'T SAY THAT THERE WAS URGENCY IN MY VOICE.

I WAS SIMPLY ASKING IF HE WAS HAVING A GOOD TIME

AND SUGGESTING THAT IF HE RELAXED...

MAYBE IF YOU STOPPED PESTERING HIM

LIKE YOU'RE HIS GREAT AUNT IDA.

EXCUSE ME ONE SECOND.

IT'S CASSANDRA.

( guys talking )

Guy: WE WERE GOING TO GUESS IT.

YOU JUST RUINED IT.

IS EVERYTHING ALRIGHT, ZOEY?

HE CALLED HER ZOEY.

COME ON, LET'S GO BACK TO THE TABLE.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WHAT'S UP, SAMMY?

ZOEY?

Guy: EXCUSE ME, E-EXCUSE ME.

WE'RE TRYING TO BUY A GIRL A DRINK, MAN.

SHE'S 19 YEARS OLD, MAN.

CHECK OUT SUPERFLY.

HEY.

LET'S GO.

NO. WHY DON'T YOU GO, ALRIGHT?

GUYS, YOU DON'T KNOW WHO THIS IS.

YOU DON'T WANT ANY TROUBLE, BE COOL, ALRIGHT?

HEY, I'M JUST SAYING

I'M LOOKING OUT FOR HER.

YOU JUST WANT ME TO...

BE COOL.

CAN I BUY YOU GUYS A ROUND?

L L COOL J, MAN.

LIKE, ICE-T.

ICE CUBE.

ICE TRAY, MAN.

WHY MUST YOU MOCK

A PERFECTLY NATURAL, BROTHERLY...

I'M NOT MOCKING IT, JOSH.

MAYBE IF YOU LEFT THE YOUNG MAN ALONE...

JOSH?

I KNOW.

WHY DON'T YOU DO SOME OF THAT HIP-HOP FOR US, G-FUNK?

DR. HUFFY-PUFFY DRED, MAN.

WOULD YOU LET US BY, PLEASE?

NO. YOU KNOW, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE WITH THIS GIRL, HUH?

HUH? YOU KNOW WHAT?

TO ME, YOU LOOK TO BE DR. FAGGOT.

HEY. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON AROUND HERE?

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

HEY, KISS MY ASS. ZOEY?

I'M FINE.

KISS YOUR WHAT, FAIRY POPPINS?

CHARLIE?

EVERYTHING'S FINE.

HEY, YOU WANT TO GO?

WHAT? LET'S DO IT.

HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING?

Guy: OH, GOOD, MORE FAIRY BOYS.

EXCUSE ME?

I SAID MORE

FAIRY BOYS.

OH, THIS IS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

HEY, I RECOGNIZE THIS GUY.

YEAH, AND SHE LOOKS FAMILIAR, TOO.

YEAH, UH, YOU GUYS DON'T REALIZE IT

BUT YOU'RE HAVING A BAD NIGHT.

AND WHO'S GOING TO GIVE IT TO US, HUH?

FEDERAL OFFICERS!

GET YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!

RIGHT HERE. RIGHT HERE.

WHAT THE HELL?! ALRIGHT.

WHOA! WHOA!

Secret Service Agent: SHUT UP!

I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF.

EVERYBODY STAND BACK.

I AIN'T DONE WITH THIS, SAMMY.

MY NAME IS CHARLIE YOUNG, JACKASS

AND IF THAT BULGE IN YOUR POCKET'S AN EIGHT-BALL OF BLOW

YOU'RE SPENDING SPRING BREAK IN A FEDERAL PRISON.

Sam: YEAH.

NOW I'M HAVING A GOOD TIME.

WELL, MY WORK HERE IS DONE.

Bartlet: WHAT HAPPENED?

THEY TOLD YOU WHAT HAPPENED.

DID YOU DO ANYTHING AT ALL TO PROVOKE THESE GUYS?

LIKE WHAT?

WERE YOU FLIRTING WITH THEM?

DAD...

ZOEY, YOU FLIRT WITH GUYS.

YES, DAD, I AM 19 YEARS OLD.

I WAS NOT FLIRTING WITH THESE GUYS.

AND EVEN IF I WAS

IT CERTAINLY WASN'T JUSTIFICATION

FOR THEIR BEHAVIOR.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING?

I WENT TO THE BAR TO GET A DRINK.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING DRINKING?

I WAS GETTING A DRINK FOR C.J.

I'M GOING TO UP YOUR PROTECTION.

NO. YES.

DAD...

STARTING TOMORROW.

I'M STARTING COLLEGE IN A MONTH.

FRIENDS WILL WALK YOU TO CLASS.

I DON'T WANT THIS, DAD.

WE TALKED ABOUT THIS.

I AM ENTITLED TO THIS PART OF MY LIFE.

YOU'RE GETTING IT.

I'M ENTITLED TO A NORMAL...

OH, PLEASE!

THE SECRET SERVICE...

LET THE SECRET SERVICE WORRY

ABOUT YOU GETTING SHOT.

THEY ARE WORRIED ABOUT ME GETTING SHOT.

I'M WORRIED ABOUT ME GETTING SHOT

BUT THAT IS NOTHING COMPARED

TO HOW TERRIFIED WE ARE OF YOU.

YOU SCARE THE HELL OUT OF THE SECRET SERVICE, ZOEY

AND YOU SCARE THE HELL OUT OF ME, TOO.

MY GETTING KILLED WOULD BE BAD ENOUGH

BUT THAT IS NOT THE NIGHTMARE SCENARIO.

THE NIGHTMARE SCENARIO, SWEETHEART

IS YOU GETTING KIDNAPPED.

YOU GO OUT TO A BAR OR A PARTY IN SOME CLUB

AND YOU GET UP TO GO TO THE RESTROOM.

SOMEBODY COMES UP FROM BEHIND

PUTS THEIR HAND ACROSS YOUR MOUTH

AND WHISKS YOU OUT THE BACK DOOR.

YOU'RE SO PETRIFIED, YOU DON'T EVEN NOTICE THE BODIES

OF TWO SECRET SERVICE AGENTS LYING ON THE GROUND

WITH BULLET HOLES IN THEIR HEADS.

THEN YOU'RE WHISKED AWAY IN A CAR.

IT'S A BIG PARTY WITH LOTS OF NOISE

AND LOTS OF PEOPLE COMING AND GOING

AND IT'S A HALF HOUR BEFORE SOMEONE SAYS

"HEY, WHERE'S ZOEY?"

ANOTHER 15 MINUTES

BEFORE THE PHONE CALL.

ANOTHER HOUR AND A HALF

BEFORE ANYONE EVEN THINKS

TO SHUT DOWN ALL THE AIRPORTS, AND NOW WE'RE OFF TO THE RACES.

YOU'RE TIED TO A CHAIR IN A CARGO SHACK

SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE OF UGANDA

AND I AM TOLD THAT I HAVE 72 HOURS

TO GET ISRAEL TO FREE 460 TERRORIST PRISONERS

SO I'M ON THE PHONE PLEADING

WITH THE ISRAELI PRIME MINISTER, AND HE'S SAYING

"I'M SORRY, MR. PRESIDENT

"BUT ISRAEL SIMPLY DOES NOT NEGOTIATE

"WITH TERRORISTS, PERIOD.

IT'S THE ONLY WAY WE CAN SURVIVE."

SO NOW WE GOT A NEW PROBLEM

BECAUSE THIS COUNTRY NO LONGER HAS

A COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF.

IT HAS A FATHER

WHO'S OUT OF HIS MIND BECAUSE HIS LITTLE GIRL

IS IN A SHACK SOMEWHERE IN UGANDA WITH A GUN TO HER HEAD!

DO YOU GET IT?!

YES.

( sighing )

I'M SORRY I YELLED, SWEETHEART.

FORGIVE ME.

HONEY, I WANT YOU

TO HAVE YOUR FREEDOM AND YOUR YOUTH.

I WANT YOU TO HAVE COMMON, EVERYDAY EXPERIENCES

WITH GIRLS YOUR OWN AGE, BUT DON'T EVER FORGET

THIS IS A PRIVILEGE, AND IT IS AN EXPERIENCE

THAT MUST BE CHERISHED BEYOND MEASURE

AND PROPER PROTECTION AND SECURITY--

THOUGH AT TIMES, I ADMIT, IT'S A DRAG--

IS NEVER TOO HIGH A PRICE TO PAY.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'M SORRY.

IT'S ALRIGHT, SWEETHEART.

IT'S ALRIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, SWEETHEART.

I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

( door closes )

DON'T GET UP.

( door closes )

GOOD EVENING, MR. PRESIDENT.

HI.

UH, BEFORE, WHEN I WAS BEING AN IDIOT

THERE WAS SOMETHING I FORGOT TO SAY.

WHAT?

I'M SORRY.

THANK YOU.

I WOULD LIKE UNANIMOUS CONSENT TO REVISE

AND EXTEND MY REMARKS.

WITHOUT OBJECTION.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL WAS THE MATTER WITH ME, LEO.

IF THERE'S ANYTHING I CAN DO TO HELP...

ANYTHING.

THANKS.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I COULD HAVE TAKEN THE TWO GUYS ON THE LEFT.

THOSE WERE MY GUYS.

WHICH GUYS?

THE GUYS ON THE LEFT.

THE GUYS ON THE LEFT

AS YOU WERE FACING THE BAR?

YEAH. NO. NO.

SAY YOU'RE ME.

I'M FACING TOWARD THE BAR...

SANDWICHES.

THANK YOU, DONNA.

DEFENDING VIRTUE IS HUNGRY WORK.

I'LL BE AT MY DESK.

UH, DONNA?

YES?

HOW MUCH WERE THE SANDWICHES?

$12.95.

I GAVE YOU A $20.

YES. AS IT TURNS OUT

YOU ACTUALLY GAVE ME MORE MONEY THAN I NEEDED

TO BUY WHAT YOU ASKED FOR.

HOWEVER, KNOWING YOU AS I DO

I'M AFRAID I CAN'T TRUST YOU TO SPEND THE CHANGE WISELY.

I'VE DECIDED TO INVEST IT FOR YOU.

THAT WAS NICE.

A LITTLE PARABLE.

I WANT MY MONEY BACK.

YEAH, SO, THOSE WERE MY GUYS.

THERE'S THE ONE GUY WITH BLOND HAIR.

FACING AWAY FROM THE BAR.

THERE WERE NO TWO GUYS EITHER ONE OF YOU

COULD HAVE TAKEN.

Bartlet: JOSH?

YES, SIR?

WHAT WERE YOU DOING TAKING MY DAUGHTER OUT TO A BAR?

YOU TOLD ME TO, SIR.

I TOLD YOU

TO TAKE CHARLIE.

WHEN ZOEY SAID SHE WAS GOING, I ASSUMED

YOU WERE GOING TO GO HAVE MALTEDS OR SOMETHING.

MALTEDS, SIR?

YES.

WHAT IS THIS, OUR TOWN?

WELL, ANYWAY, THANK YOU FOR DOING

WHATEVER IT WAS YOU DID.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING

BUT, FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, I SHOULD TELL YOU

THAT CHARLIE DIDN'T BLINK BEFORE HE PUT HIS BODY

BETWEEN DANGER AND ZOEY.

Bartlet: CHARLIE?

UH, SAM, YOU COME, TOO, PLEASE.

YOU KNOW, I ONCE PLAYED THE STAGE MANAGER

IN A PRODUCTION OF OUR TOWN.

CHARLIE.

ARE YOU A GOOD POKER PLAYER?

NO, SIR.

EXCELLENT. GET YOUR MONEY AND TAKE A SEAT.

IS JOSH BEING PUNISHED?

PUNISHED? NO.

MAY I ASK

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE I SAID SO.

GOOD EVENING.

GOOD WORK, BOTH OF YOU.

YOU BOUGHT US SOME TIME.

THANK YOU, SIR.

I UNDERSTAND YOU ALL HAD A VERY INTERESTING EVENING.

YES.

SO DID I.

WHAT HAPPENED?

I MET AN UNUSUAL MAN.

Bartlet: C.J., DEAL THE CARDS.

Toby: HE DIDN'T WALK INTO THE ROOM WITH A POLITICAL AGENDA.

HE DIDN'T WALK IN WITH HIS MIND MADE UP.

HE GENUINELY WANTED TO DO WHAT HE THOUGHT WAS BEST.

DIDN'T MIND SAYING THE WORDS "I DON'T KNOW."

I SAID THAT THIS MORNING

AND I'M A BETTER PERSON FOR IT.

BY THE WAY, I NOW KNOW EVERYTHING

THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT THE CENSUS.

GO AHEAD, ASK ME ANYTHING.

HOW MANY PEOPLE LIVE IN THE UNITED STATES?

THERE IS SOME MATERIAL WE HAVEN'T COVERED YET.

( laughing )

Josh: COME ON, TOBY, SIT DOWN.

I JUST WANT TO WATCH THIS.

WE WON IT 40 VOTES AGO.

I JUST WANT TO HEAR THIS ONE.

Man: Mr. Widen.

Mr. Widen of Pennsylvania votes yea.

Mr. Wilder.

Mr. Wilder of South Carolina votes yea.

Mr. Willis.

Mr. Willis of Ohio votes yea.

Mr. Zantowski.

Mr. Zantowski of Michigan votes yea.