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Heil Hitler!

What the bloody hell did you do that for?

In German, man. Always in German.

You must instinctively speak German whenever you're surprised.

What chance do you think we've got of successfully escaping otherwise, hmm?

You should thank me, Chump.

Thank you, Forrester.

I mean, what is there to look at after three and a half years, hmm?

Soon be over. You're escaping tomorrow, aren't you?

Shut up.

Security, you blithering idiot.

Sorry, Forrester.

How I long for some black pudding.

Will I ever taste any again?

You might quite soon.

What do you mean, Prof?

It'’s chocks away for you tonight.

How do you know?

Nobody'’s supposed to know,

if I am escaping, and I'’m not saying I am.

It'’s obvious.

The tension in your body,

the excitement in your eyes, the twitch of fear on your lips.

It is possible to be too clever, you know, Prof?

Good luck, Chump.

Good luck, Forrester.

Chump.

Yeah?

I have a plan.

And its audacity will astound you.

All 327 of us?Why not?

The Germans are getting very short on manpower.

- Most of their troops- - Yes, thank you, Cosgrove.

It is my plan.

I never said it wasn'’t.

No. It'’s just that I think it might be helpful

if I explain some of the thought processes which went into it.

It occurred to me how incredibly old and stupid most of the guards are.

The new Kommandant can'’t be a day under 70.

Jerry is incredibly short of manpower.

Most of their good bods are busy fighting.

I believe that if we can put them under real pressure,

they'’ll collapse.

Hello. Super evening.

I have no time for small chat. I must search hut 101.

Oh, have a piece of chocolate first.

I dare not. I have my orders. If I disobey my-

What sort of chocolate?

Milk!

How can everybody escape?

I mean, Hopkins can'’t escape. His legs are smashed to pieces.

He'’d be a liability, and he wouldn'’t allow that.

He'’s too proud.

All right, then. Everyone except Hopkins.

You'’re a heartless bastard, Forrester.

Your point, exactly?

When the escape'’s discovered, all hell will break loose.

They'’ll have a roll call to find out who'’s still here.

There'’ll be 87 German guards

and Hopkins dragging himself across the parade ground to line up on his own.

We'’re not playing games here, Cosgrove. This is war.

Just a suggestion.

Haggis Barrington has really taken Hopkins under his wing.

He'’s like a father to him already.

Father and son. So touching, so moving.

This is right.

If Hopkins stayed, I think Haggis would want to stay too.

All right, then. I'’m not inhuman.

Everyone except Hopkins and Barrington.

Well, Barrington would be no use to Hopkins without Stefan Godborny.

Explain yourself, Owly.

Well, Haggis and Stefan are in love.

How dare you?

Well, I am afraid Owly'’s right, Wing Commander Forrester.

I knew from the start.

One would have to be pretty naive not to.

By God!

Godborny and Barrington, rear gunners?

I prided myself that at least we hadn'’t come to that.

Now, Godborny, I can believe. He'’s a Pole.

They'’re excitable.

But Barrington, he'’s Scottish.

Well, we don'’t want people like that escaping

and then undermining morale back home.

Thank you for the chocolate. Oh, yeah. Have another piece.

Uh, no, thank you. It was very nice, but duty calls.

Ah, duty.

Nervous twitch.

I thought you were giving a warning signal, no?

And one for his nob.

Hmm.

Right, now my plan is this.

Um, I shall be in charge of the whole operation incidentally.

Surprise, surprise.

Yes, well, I do think somebody has to be,

and I, uh, believe I'’m pretty confident in escaping, having escaped 23 times.

Well, so what? You'’re still here.

You'’ve been captured 23 times. This is competence?

Yes, thank you. We'’ve been through all that, Cosgrove.

Well, very well.

Does anyone else put themselves forward?

Good. Right. Now, perhaps we can get on with it.

Um, I shall be known as Big F incidentally.

Now I plan no less than five tunnels.

Here, here, here, here and here.

They will be called Tom, Dick, Harry, Julian and Gladys.

Julian?

After my son. He'’s 15. He'’s a fine boy, considering.

And, Gladys, would that by any chance be named after the little lady?

It most certainly would not!

She isn'’t little, she isn'’t a lady,

and I'’ll thank you never to mention her again.

Still, it'’s a nice thought.

Perhaps I'’ll go through Gladys.

Yes, that'’s why I called one of the tunnels Gladys.

I realize that some of you

who aren'’t quite out of the top drawer

enjoy the occasional dirty little snigger.

Izzy, how soon can you make me German military or civilian uniforms for 327 prisoners?

For you, four months.

I'’ll give you two.

Three. I can'’t do it in less.

Done.

Shorty, can you make up 327 sets of forged documents in three months?

If God helps us, and if I have the ink, yes.

Anything to get away from these buggers.

Right.

We go in three months from now.

Or on the first moonless night following it.

Do you see those weeds, Donaldson?

There'’s water round here. Probably an underground spring.

Oh, my God.What?

What? We don'’t want water going into certain...

...underground places of great importance.

Sorry, Donaldson. Not quite with you.

Oh, you mean the tunnels!

God, no, I never thought of that.

Shut up about tunnels, Einstein.

I know he probably can'’t understand us,

but you know how bad my nerves are.

Not one escape now for a month.

Not one man in the cooler.

Not even a complaint about the soup.

That must be very gratifying.

Of course it'’s not gratifying. Do you think I am stupid?

It means you are giving all your energies to something else. What are you planning?

Absolutely nothing, Herr Kommandant.

I do not believe you.

That is your privilege.

Why so gloomy, Einstein?

This sandy earth will be the ruin of my asparagus.

Casualty of war, old chap.

Getting the earth out of the tunnels is the real headache.

Well... ...why don'’t we use some of the tunnels

to store the earth from the other tunnels?

Good thinking, Shorty.

Well, no tunnel could take more earth than we dug out of it,

so we'’d end up with five tunnels full of earth,

and we might as well not have bothered to dig in the first place.

Congratulations, Shorty, on fatuousness beyond the call of duty.

Yes, as I say, it'’s good that you are thinking, Shorty,

but, uh, do try to be sensible.

Care for a piece of chocolate, old man?

I can'’t. The Kommandant wants to see Herr Forrester.

Which of you is Herr Forrester?

I am Wing Commander Forrester.

The Kommandant wants to see you.

Now!

Please. Tell me what you are planning.

Would you really expect me to?

If we were planning anything,

which we aren'’t.

If you think we are, although we aren'’t,

well, you are just gonna have to try and find out, aren'’t you?

How can we?

You are crack airmen,

your resolution and invention sharpened by desperation.

We are a rabble.

Leftovers. The dregs.

Well, that'’s your problem.

My men can find out nothing. They are stupid.

The good men went to the front,

to the panzer divisions, to Rommel, to the Luftwaffe and the navy.

But you'’re not stupid. You said so yourself.

I am old.

What an ugly language, eh?

What, worse than Welsh?

How dare you compare Welsh to German?

You really hate them, don'’t you?

I thought you taught German.

Well, I didn'’t know I hated them.

I thought it was the French I hated.

Mind you, I don'’t like them much either.

What about the English?

Can'’t stand the bastards.Yeah, right?

I like the British.

I once took a walking tour of Offa'’s Dyke.

Good times in pubs.

"A pint of Ansells, please".

If you make a big escape, we are all for the Ostfront-

the Eastern Front- or worse.

So...

Please, help us.

I'’m embarrassed by your defeatism.

Me too, but... I am weary.

I am sorry.

I'’d like to help you.

Oh, well.

My poor old asparagus.

Never mind that.

The escape committee wishes to interview you.

Eight o'’clock this evening, Pilot Officer Price Egerton.

Oh, good.

Because I'’ve got something to tell you.

I'’m sorry to have to question you like this, Price Egerton.

I know your father. He'’s a damn good chap.

Jesus.

Your point, Morrison?

I just cannot believe the British class system.

No, I don't suppose you can, since you've had no experience with class.

Oh, yeah. That'’s right. New Zealand'’s a complete dump.

I forgot.

Please tell us, Price Egerton,

why you crawled out from under a hut

and practically fell over one of the German ferrets?

I know it was stupid of me, but then I'’m not very bright.

I had an idea, you see?

You had an idea?

Didn'’t they teach you at Pudsey Grammar School

that sarcasm is one of the lowest forms of wit, Cosgrove?

Ignore them, Einstein. What'’s your idea?

Well, I knew there was water around,

and I thought there might be a well somewhere around,

and I found it.

The Germans had built a hut on top of it.

Brilliant.

That'’s a brilliant idea, Einstein.

Well, I think we can all see what he'’s driving at, can't we?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Be, um-

Be nice to give him an opportunity to spell it out for himself though.

Well, I thought the earth from the tunnels could go down the well.

Precisely.

Bang on, Einstein. Knew you had it in you.

Your mother was a lovely person.

A glass of schnapps?Oh.

Thank you, uh, very much indeed.

I like you.

You may call me Heinrich.

Uh, Well, thank you again, Heinrich.

You may call me Big F.

Ah.

There.

Big F?

Yes, Heinrich.

You must be digging, yet there is no earth.

Really?

Yes.

I know you have a plan. Will you tell me what it is?

You know I can'’t. Cheerio.

I didn'’t expect you to tell me. Cheerio.

Here comes the difficult bit.

I almost feel a fool asking.

One can always ask.

You'’re right.

My, uh-

My request is this.

Please, may we come with you?

But he was serious.

"We know we can'’t stop you going," he said.

"And the moment you have gone, we'’re dead men."

Ridiculous.

Well, it'’s not that ridiculous from his point of view.

I mean, the bugger'’s probably right.

Um, maybe it isn'’t so ridiculous from our point of view.

Uh, I mean, it would make things easier.

Huh. "It would make things easier."

What an uplifting philosophy.

Look, you wouldn'’t be so scornful if I was Australian.

I'’m sorry, Big F, but I think Owly'’s right.

Look, you'’re a clever chap, Prof.

Intellectual, academic.

Why don'’t you leave the practicalities

to those of us who haven'’t got their heads in the clouds.

There's a good chap. I was actually thinking on practical lines.

It would make things easier.

There'’d be no guards, no searchlights, nobody to sound the alarm.

Ah. But could we trust the buggers?

They wouldn'’t need German uniforms.

That'’s true already.

They all have German uniforms already.

And documents.

They'’ve all got German passports.

I'’ll give the buggers that.

What causes most escapes to fail?

Our ignorance of German. Well, they all speak German.

Ah!Some good ideas there.

For a man with his head in the clouds.

Now, not you too, Chump.

No, I am sorry, Big F, but I think this idea,

fantastic though it sounds, has logic on its side.

Now we touched on logic at Pudsey Grammar School.

And I believe it'’s logical for the Jerries,

in their predicament, to accept reality and make this suggestion.

I also think it'’s logical for us to be realists

and accept their help.

I absolutely refuse.

Sorry, Big F.

It'’s five-to-one against.

You can'’t have democracy in wartime.

Then what the hell are we fighting for?

Good God.

What the hell did you think? You're a German, man!

Once you're to the other side of the wire, you won't get a second chance.

I'’m not going. I am staying here with Hoppy and Stefan.

No. As a matter of fact, you'’re not.

Everyone'’s going now, apparently.

Even Scottish homosexuals.

Sit down, Big F.

Thank you. I prefer to stand.

A bit chilly this morning.

I thought it was the British who confined themselves to small talk about the weather.

I wasn'’t talking about the weather.

Oh, well, yes.

Look, were you serious about coming too?

Of course.

We have no alternative. You can trust me, incidentally.

Well, of course I can trust you.

You'’re a gentleman. It takes one to know one.

You trust me, but you disapprove of my request?

Of course I do. It'’s ridiculous.

It is, isn'’t it? Splendidly ridiculous.

The Germans have no sense of the ridiculous.

You should beware of racial stereotypes.

So, can we come with you?

Against my better judgement, yes.

Good.

We can be ready by Tuesday.

Tuesday?

The tunnels won'’t be finished for at least three weeks.

So, there are tunnels?

Oh, my God.

Ha-

Have I been tricked?

No, you tell us what we know. There are tunnels.

What we don'’t know is where.

And if you wish to hide them,

our chocolate-mad guards won'’t find them.

But now that we are coming with you, we don'’t need tunnels.

We can walk out of the gate.

Walk out of the gate?

Walk out of the gate?

Men have sweated their guts out.

We'’ve dug tunnels.

We'’ve- We've made air pumps.

We'’ve laid railway tracks.

We'’ve built trolleys.

It'’s like the London underground down there.

Men have risked their lives.

This is a classy operation,

and we'’re not simply going to abandon it and walk out of the gate.

Now that is ridiculous.

There is a right way and a wrong way of doing these things,

KommandantStubenhalle.

If you were British, you would realize that.

We only needed five tunnels in case Jerry discovered some of them.

Well, that'’s hardly relevant, now that they'’re coming too.

So, I am closing down Tom, Dick and Harry

and concentrating on Julian and Gladys, which are further advanced.

No chance of discussing it, I suppose.

If Hitler'’s a dictator, Big F, what are you?

Oh, thank you.

That'’s just the support I needed.

All right.

I suggest we close down Tom, Dick and Harry.

Sounds like a grand idea to me. All those in favour?

Rather dashing.

Yes.

Oh, damn.

Could you spell Obergefreiter?

O-B-R-G-F-R-E-I-T-E-R.

Julian has broken through.

Julian has broken through.

Julian has broken through.

We go on the 23rd or the 24th. That'’s in 16 or 17 days' time.

Why the delay already?

There will be no moon then.

Why does the moon matter?

There will be nobody stopping us.

I reckon we should get leaving now.

Mmm. It'’s a question of a thing they probably didn'’t teach you

at Pudsey Grammar School, Chump.

It'’s called "style".

You get engaged on long summer evenings

just as the western sky is flushed with the first tinge of pink.

You get divorced on dank, dark Thursdays...

...when even the gunmetal sky is weeping.

And you escape from prison camps on dark still moonless nights.

I would have thought there was a practical reason too.

Yes, well, trust you to take the poetry out of it.

Oh, yes, I'’m from dull, unpoetic little New Zealand, aren'’t I?

My God, I'’d like to correct some of your cultural misconceptions.

I'’d just like to see the look on your face

when I showed you Dunedin Public Library.

How on earth were you ever made an officer, Morrison?

So, clear skies tomorrow night, but, uh, cloudy the night after.

Looks like the night after is the one.

Yes, I'’m not too bad.

I prefer to speak English, though, if you don'’t mind.

You are our guests on this operation.

Yes, that is fair. In English only then.

To a dark moonless night.

A dark moonless night.

Don'’t get up.

Oh, you weren'’t.

Well, according to the German weather forecast,

the night after tomorrow will be better.

Yeah? Einstein says exactly the reverse.

Tell me, Chump, which do you trust more?

The mighty German war machine,

or the rather dim third son of an English country gentleman?

The rather dim third son.

Good man. So do I.

We go tomorrow night.

We go tomorrow night.

We go tomorrow night.

We go tomorrow night.

We go tomorrow night.

Well done, Einstein.

Well done, indeed.

My men would never have found it.

Yes. Well, I don'’t like to boast, but I think we are pretty nifty

when it comes to escaping.

So, where will you go, Heinrich? Home?

Oh, dear, no. We will be marked men when the empty camp is discovered.

Switzerland. Perhaps, Sweden.

Lisbon?

I might even attempt to get to South America.

Will you be sad to leave Germany?

Of course I will, Big F. It is my home.

Can I have a word, Big F? In private.

Oh, very well. Carry on.

Pitch black. Perfect night for it.

Well, what is it, Chump?

I still don'’t trust him.

I mean, they are still the enemy, aren'’t they?

What are you suggesting?

I think we should make them go first.

Make sure they don'’t leave anybody behind.

Well, I don'’t fancy telling Heinrich that.

He thinks I trust him. He respects me as a gentleman.

And is your reputation as a gentleman more important than the success of this escape?

Well, no. Of course not.

What a thing to say.

Well, then. Besides...

Besides? Besides what?

They'’re our tunnels. It is our escape.

We should run the show our way.

I think we should make them escape first.

But-

All right. Synchronise watches, please. The escape will commence at...

2315 hours precisely.

Now the first to escape will be-

All the Germans.

I'’m disappointed in you, Big F.

It'’s not a question of trust, Heinrich. Of course we trust you.

We have a gentlemen'’s agreement.

But this is our show. You begged us.

You, our captors, to come along and help you out. Hmm?

Look, we'’d be failing in our duty.

It would be unseemly.

It would lack the proper style if we didn'’t humiliate you a little first. Hmm?

You must see that.

Yes. Yes, I understand.

I'’d do the same in your position. Fine, we go first.

See you on the other side of the wire, Big F.

See you on the other side of the wire, Heinrich.

It'’ll do.

You know, I never really feel I know you, Izzy.

Of course you don'’t.

I hide behind the racial stereotype.

I beg your pardon?

A little Jewish tailor who always says, "Already, already".

So, who knows the real me?

Nobody.

So it'’s easier to get through the war.

Gosh. That'’s a jolly clever wheeze.

Wish I'’d thought of becoming a stereotype Englishman,

then nobody would have known the real me.

All right. That'’s the last of the Germans gone.

Last of the Krauts have gone through Gladys, Big F.

Please. They'’re gonna help us get out of Germany.

I really don'’t think you should call them Krauts, especially behind their backs.

Manners are important, as you'’d know if you'd-

Oh, as I'’d know if I'd gone to public school.

By heck, Big F.

There are times I hope I never set eyes on you again.

I don'’t think you will.

We'’re hardly likely to move in the same social circles, are we?

Shorty, why don'’t you go first?

Oh, thank you.

Oh-Hang on a minute, everybody!

Oh, what is it now, Prof? Another lecture on logic?

Einstein had an idea.

And I think it'’s a very interesting one.

Tell them, Einstein.

Thank you.

Well, it'’s this really.

It's awfully peaceful without the Germans. Why don't we just stay?

Tommy!

Where are you?

Has something gone wrong?

Einstein, I'’m ashamed of you.

Your parents will be turning in their graves, if they weren't still alive.

Well, it- it would be quite pleasant without them here.

Quite pleasant? Quite pleasant?

One has to make allowances for you. You'’re not British.

But, Prof, I am surprised at you.

You'’re an intelligent man. How can you take this nonsense seriously?

It would have enormous advantages.

Such as?

None of us would die.

Shorty, what do you say?

Well, I like the idea of not dying.

Well, there'’d be no lights out, no stretches in the cooler.

It would be an awful shame to miss the asparagus.

Asparagus? Asparagus?

It'’s lovely hot with melted butter.

I prefer it cold, with a good vinaigrette.

Yum-yum.

Yum-yum?

Gentlemen, what'’s happened to the bulldog spirit?

What is happening? Where are you?

Big F, what is going on?

Oh, come on, chaps.

It is a prisoner'’s duty to escape.

But there aren'’t any guards anymore, so we aren'’t prisoners anymore.

Chump, can you help me out?

You are appealing to me for help?

Oh, please. No sarcasm. Perhaps I am tired.

I just don'’t seem to have it in me to persuade these fellas anymore.

You'’re young, energetic. The stage is yours.

Prove to us that grammar schools can turn out leaders.

I'’m sorry, Big F.

There is a time for heroes, and maybe this isn'’t it.

So we break out? What happens?

Even with the help of all them Jerries out there,

a lot of us will be picked up before we reach the frontier.

Shot maybe. Certainly imprisoned.

And those of us who do make it back to Blythe Hill

find their wives in bed with other men.

Then they'’ll shoot those men right in the guts.

End up in Dartmoor.

And how many of us will fight again, eh?

One? Two?

Is it worth it when the Allies are already beginning to win the war without us.

I vote we stay.

Oh, Chump.

I am coming back to find out what is going on.

The Kommandantis leading them back through the tunnels.

Chump, get Gladys blocked off. I am going down Julian.

We must stop them.

- Come on, lads. - This way, gents. After them.

Hurry!

Careful, sir. We don'’t want to lose you.

Risk I have to take, Barton.

What are you going to do?

Create a roof fall.

Well, what else can I do?

Well, you be careful, Chump.

It'’d be a bit of a bind if you bought it now.

Come on.

Wing Commander!

Big F, are you all right?

Oh.Oh, thank God.

Get me out of here.

Chump! Chump!

Yes, all right, clear away. Come on.

Come on. A chair for the wing commander.

Chump! Chump.

Einstein?

Let'’s get him to the lavs.

I'’m going to have to go and talk to them.

I trusted you.

I thought you were an English gentleman.

You should beware of racial stereotypes.

Come on, you'’ll never do it. There'’s three times as many of us.

We'’re crack airmen. You'’re rabble. Leftovers. The dregs.

If a German lorry or the SS turn up now,

how will you explain what you'’re doing outside?

Good point.

I came back to wish you luck.

That'’s extraordinarily generous of you under the circumstances, Heinrich.

No. It is realism.

Our fortunes are linked to yours.

If you are not found out, then nobody will know that we have escaped.

If you are found out, then we will become the hunted.

Well, I wish you luck too.

Thank you.

Cos if you'’re caught, then we'’re for it.

We will not be caught.

We speak good German. We have correct papers.

We can be thousands of miles away on leave in neutral countries.

If you are not caught.

I also wish you luck, Heinrich, because I like you.

Thank you, Big F. I like you too.

Please, call me F.

Thank you.

I hope we meet again in happier times, F.

Yes.

Look, if this silly business ever ends,

which, of course, it will,

and you happen to find yourself in the vicinity of Weybridge,

do look in.

Number 33 Bagshot Road.

Thank you.

Better turn these lights out. It don'’t look normal.

Yes, good, uh- Good thinking, Chump.

Look, I- I- I do mean that.

I- I know vague invitations, when you don'’t give a date,

are often insincere,

but it'’s just that I can'’t give you a firm date,

because I don'’t know when this damn war is going to end,

but I do mean it.

Not a great man with an oven,

but I can turn out an acceptable roast dinner.

Thank you.

Well...

Auf Wiedersehen,F.

Auf Wiedersehen,Heinrich.

You were bang on with that lorry, Chump.

And that was a very clever remark you made back there at the gate, Owly.

For a New Zealander, you mean.

Why the hell did you do that?

In German, always in German.Ugh.

We don'’t need that now. We'’re all allies.

Uh, far from it.

Supplies will be arriving. There will be telephone calls, inspections.

Everything will have to seem just as it was when Jerry was here.

Now, that means-

Precisely. We'’re gonna need bags of Jerries.

Jerries to run the camp, Jerries to answer the phone,

Jerries to run the cookhouse, Jerries to accept supplies.

Yeah. I'’d estimate

we are gonna need at least 100 of us turning into Jerries overnight.

Gott im Himmel.

Well done, Shorty. You'’ve just volunteered.

By tomorrow morning, if a laundry van arrives, delivery van, whatever,

everything must be absolutely normal.

Place must be stiff with German guards.

Can I just say, Big F,

since I know you weren'’t in favour of this particular course of action,

how much we admire the wholeheartedness

in which you have thrown yourself into this operation.

Uh, no, Chump, you may not. There isn'’t time. But thank you.

Well, I'’m a realist, I face facts. The past is dead and gone.

Ugh. How true.

Now, does anybody have any ideas where we are going to find 100 Germans?

First of all, everyone who speaks German.

Mm. Sounds reasonable.

All those I'’ve made German uniforms for already.

Good thinking.Ah.

But do we know how many of the men who have German uniforms speak German?

That'’s a very good point, Shorty. We must find out.

How many of you speak German?

Good. Thank you. Put your hands down.

Four.

But how come 17 of you say you understand German,

but then when I ask you how many of you speak German in German,

only four of you put your hands up?

Come on, chaps. I don'’t want lies.

I don'’t want wishful thinking. How many of you can really speak German?

Four.Yes, I can count.

Oh, God.

So, if any Germans turn up at the camp tomorrow,

they'’ll find four men in German uniforms who can actually speak German.

Perhaps we should find out how many of those who don't have German uniforms speak German.

Quiet boys, please. Quiet.

Nine.

I can count.

Nine.

Bloody hell!

Izzy, how quickly can you get me nine German uniforms made?

For you, six days.

Two days.Four days.

Done.

It is possible that some of the German uniforms I made

for prisoners who don't speak German already might fit some of the nine German speakers

who don'’t have German uniforms already.

I'’ll see what I can do.

Right. Now I'’m gonna become the camp Kommandant.

Oh. Surprise, surprise.

Yes, I'’ll pretend you didn'’t say that, Chump,

to spare you the shame you will feel when you recall that you did say it.

I don'’t want the job. I don'’t wanna be a German.

I'’d like your job.My job?

You'’re going to be the unofficial leader of the prisoners.

You'’ll be known as Big C.

Thank you, Big F. I am touched.

Don'’t be a chump, Chump. You'’re the obvious man.

Well, I'’ll get some escape plans drawn up straight away.

Escape plans? You don'’t need to escape now, do you, Chump?

Well, I'’ve got to do something.

It'’s a little question of what we at Pudsey Grammar School would call "style".

There'’s no time for style now. We'’ve got work to do.

Do you have a German uniform that fits, Big F?

Good thinking, Prof. No, I don'’t, and I must.

How soon can you make me one, Izzy?

For you, 12 o'’clock this morning.

Six o'’clock.Nine o'’clock.

Done. Off you go then. Get away-

He'’s gone already.Yes, I see.

Right. Now, we'’re gonna have to teach a lot more men German pretty damn quick.

Who should do that do you think, Shorty?

Oh, no. No.

Hey-ho.

Another casualty of the war.

Heil Hitler.

Now you better pull your finger out, young bird. Try this.

Now...

Never in the field of human conflict

has so much been owed by so many, uh, to so few.

Heil Hitler. Right.

Come on here, you nuts.

Stop moving.

How can I measure you if you move?

Heil Hitler!

I am not at all happy about your backside.

Not happy at all.

Hallo.

Well... ...check his papers. Find out what he's bringing.

Hold him up as long as you can. Ring me back when he'’s gone and pray.

What'’s wrong with my backside?

It doesn'’t fit my trousers.

Why can'’t people be shaped liked clothes.

Hallo.

I can'’t hold him any longer.

I told him we'’re all new. I told him the Fuehrer'’s had a new idea.

Rotation of staff.

Yes. I was quite pleased with it.

He'’s gone to the cookhouse.

Well- Oh, and he says "Heil Hitler" a lot.

Does he? I'’ll sell him my parrot.

Big F-Look, he'’s gone to the cookhouse.

No one there speaks German.

This isn't any time for your perfectionist fiddle-faddle. This isn't Savile bloody Row.

No. It'’s just that your flies are undone.

Barrington.

Barrington.

Are you Barrington?

Do you not know that I am?

Well, say "here."

Can you not see that I am here?

Everything has to look like a normal German camp.

And in a normal German camp, the prisoners say "here."

So, please, just say, "Here."

Nothing, well, here.

Thank you.

Barton? Here.

And fully understanding the necessity for all this palaver, unlike some.

Oh, shut up.

That'’s a bit rich.

Chap fits in, does what he'’s told, gets a rocket.

Look, we have to do things properly.

You have to say "here,"

not, "Fully understanding the necessity for all this palaver, unlike some."

Supposing everybody said,

"Fully understanding the necessity for all this palaver, unlike some."

We would be here all day.

A lecture now? I thought things would be fine when the Germans had gone.

Seems some chaps are getting decidedly edgy.

Shut up.

Who says "too edgy"?

Who? You?

We still need more Germans.

You two will become Germans as from 1200 hours. Do you understand?

Jawohl, meinnothing fuehrer!

On second thought, I'’m not sure I want you on my side.

You can ignore that order as far as you're concerned, Haggis. Come on, Barton.

This is utterly unfair!

He refuses to say "here" and swears.

All I do is say, "Fully understanding the necessity"-

Shut...

...up.

Ah, I have to inspect your hut.

Oh, fair enough. Can I bribe you with a piece of chocolate?

Oh, you certainly can'’t. I don'’t accept bribes.

I have a job to do.

Well, the German guards always accepted bribes.

I don'’t care what the German guards did.

I don'’t.

Besides, I'’m absolutely full. I had a lovely steak for lunch.

Steak? We had mince. Minced horse.

Actually, I could hardly finish mine.

I rather gorged myself on caviar.

What'’s German for "Land of My Fathers"?

I like tits best.

Really?

I'’m a legs-and-arse man myself.

Great tits, blue tits, cold tits.

What did you say?

Sorry, I thought you- Sorry.

I think it'’s rather horrid to talk about women like that,

as if they'’re just bodies and not people.

Yeah, I suppose you'’re right. I'm sorry.

Talking about women, Einstein, have you ever, you know, had a girlfriend?

No, I haven'’t.

What would I talk to them about?

I'’ve never got the hang of all that conversation lark.

Stop idling!

Haven'’t you got work to do? You, come here.

Come off it, Barton.

Look! When I say, "Come here," I mean it.

Oh, don'’t be so stupid.

I don'’t think you will be calling me stupid again in a hurry.

Message for you.

The Kommandant can see you straight away.

Do you think he was just entering into the spirit of the thing?

No, I think he was enjoying his power.

Bound to be some, I suppose.

You have a complaint, I believe.

Yeah, Barton just hit me. You wanna watch him, Big F.

Uh, thank you. I think I know how to control my men, Big C.

Uh, but that can'’t be your complaint, can it?

Because you'’d asked to see me before he hit you.

So, unless you are psychic, you could hardly have asked to see me to complain about that.

No, it'’s the grub. You have steaks, caviar.

You are prisoners of war.

We'’re all prisoners of war.

And don'’t tell me it'’s a question of style

that you have caviar while we have mince,

otherwise I'’ll say up yours, Big F.

Oh, do. That would be so stylish.

No, it'’s, uh- it's a question of necessity, uh, Chump.

I find I can go thus far and no further.

There are Jerries coming into the camp all the time.

And I find I have inherited certain black market perks,

which- which are difficult to turn down without arousing suspicion.

I do have to maintain some authenticity.

Pity, really. Most of the chaps hate caviar.

Why you-

What the hell do you think you are doing?

German, German, speak German.

Oh, yes.

Well done. Very good, Chump. Yes.

You didn'’t need to kick me quite so hard.

Have to maintain some authenticity.

You bastard.

SS inspection tomorrow morning.

Oh, heck.

That'’s better.

What?

Oh. Sorry, I- I still don'’t understand much German,

unless it'’s spoken very slowly.

Come in.

Gott im Himmel.

You do not say "come in" in English.

Yes, well, English will do for now.

It'’ll be quicker.

Tell me this.

How many of your students could pass as pucker Jerries?

In proper conversation, maybe seven?

Oh, God.

A few words about the weather, nice day, blah-blah-blah,

plus a few simple commands, maybe, ooh, another 12.

Yes, unfortunately, we can'’t guarantee

that the SS will stick to "a few words about the weather,

nice day, blah-blah-blah," can we?

Damn.

So that'’s your seven, plus another five,

plus the nine for whom Izzy has got uniforms that actually fit.

That makes a total of 21 people, including myself,

who can safely be allowed to speak German.

Out of a German workforce of 112.

Some could be off duty, out the camp.

Some could be shift workers and asleep already.

Good, good. Let'’s say 20 asleep and one day off in seven.

Uh, seven into 112 is...

Sixteen.

Sixteen. Thank you, Prof.

Sixteen plus 20 is 36.

Thirty-six away from 112...

Seventy-six.

Seventy-six. Thank you, Prof.

Seventy-six minus the 21 who can speak German leaves-

For you? 55.

Fifty-five.

Fifty-five supposed Germans who can'’t speak German.

What am I going to do with them?

Laryngitis.

Fifty-five German soldiers with laryngitis.

Highly convincing. Thank you, Owly.

Could be German laryngitis.

Like German measles.

Only attacks Germans?

Don'’t be ridiculous, Izzy.

One little question about Owly'’s idea,

of which you were so scornful, Big F.

Do you have anything better?

Laryngitis it is.

Oh, God.

You are not tidy. You are a dirty swine.

It's all right. My sex life is legendary in parts of Glasgow.

Oh, so you are insolent also.

Come with me to the cooler, please.

Come on. Move it, you homosexual Scottish bastard.

You, what is your name?

Unfortunately for you, I understand Polish.

And I have no intention of humping a cabbage.

Do you speak German?

Come on. It'’ll have to do.

We meet again, Haggis.

The pleasure is entirely yours.

And what do you think of life in the cooler?

Mm. It'’s not too bad.

It'’s a bit like living in Glasgow.

I shall speak to you all in English for the last time.

After today, we only speak English to the prisoners.

And we give them a miserable time.

Miserable. Is that understood?

You'’re enjoying this.

Come here.

Come here!

How dare you speak to me like that?

You only declared yourself Kommandant. We haven'’t elected you.

Elected? Of course you haven'’t.

This isn'’t democratic now. We'’re Germans.

And it'’s turning you nasty. And you'’re bad enough when you'’re British.

Shut up.

What do you want, hmm?

Anarchy?

Do you want to be found out?

What do you imagine the SS would do to prisoners of war masquerading as Jerries?

You can just stick to teaching German,

and, incidentally, you can cut out all that Welsh propaganda too.

If I hear one more man singing "Cardiff, Cardiff, uüber alles,"

I will have your guts for garters, you short-arsed Welsh shit.

You all asked to stay here.

I didn'’t.

Well, now you'’ve made your bed and you can eat sauerkraut on it.

You will be nasty at all times,

and you will look as if you are enjoying it.

Is that understood?

I will enjoy it.

A master race was a brilliant idea.

I only wish we'’d thought of it first.

Excuse me. This soup really is absolutely disgusting.

One week in the cooler. March him away.

Uh, look, I, uh...

...have no alternative.

I have my orders. Please don'’t tell your father.

Meade? Here.

Meaker? Here.

Morrison?

Morrison?

Say "here," please, Morrison.

No, this is bloody stupid. We'’re all on the same side.

Do you realize that if the SS rumble what'’s happening, we'’ll all be shot?

One word is all I ask.

No, the SS aren'’t here now, so it'’s bloody stupid.

You of all people.

Oh, yes, a New Zealander leading a rebellion. What a turn-up.

Two weeks in the cooler. March him away.

Yes, you, uh-

You don'’t have to enjoy it quite so much, Barton.

No! Leave him alone.

Chump, my men have loaded rifles.

You wouldn'’t order them to shoot me.

I might have no alternative.

They wouldn'’t.

If they realized that you were seriously threatening

the stability of the situation, they might have no alternative.

My God.

Heil Hitler!

Better than the cooler, eh?I'’ll say.

Makes you appreciate all this, you know?

There is a meeting of the escape committee in half an hour.

We'’d like to co-opt you onto it.

Me?

There are vacancies.

Shorty and Big F have left.

Resigned?

Not exactly.

No, we haven'’t told them about the meeting. It'’s a secret.

Uh-oh. But why me?

We'’d value your advice.

Well, I've called this meeting because things in this camp are getting absolutely unbearable.

And I think there is only one thing for it.

What'’s that?

We'’re gonna have to escape.

Let me get this right.

You'’re suggesting we escape from our fellow prisoners?

That'’s right.

Without telling them?

Do you entirely trust them? Do you trust Big F?

He'’s hardly in a position to report us to the SS.

It would be more fun not telling them.

Owly'’s right.

My only regret will be we can'’t stay to see the bastard'’s face

when he finds out we'’re gone.

Aren'’t we condemning all the guards to a dreadful fate?

What will happen to them when we'’ve escaped already?

N-Nothing.

When they'’ve found out we'’ve scarpered

and they know they can'’t report us to anybody, they'’ll come too.

If they haven'’t that much sense, they don'’t deserve to escape.

Prof'’s right, as usual.

So, how do we escape?

Dig tunnels.But-

Well, maybe I'’m being stupid,

but don'’t we already have tunnels?

Yes, but Big F knows where they are.

Look- Well, no.

No. Go on, Einstein.

Well, because you'’re all clever,

I think you think Big F is cleverer than he is.

But I don'’t think any of them would ever be clever enough

to think that we'’d even think of escaping from our allies.

So I think we should save time and use the tunnels we'’ve got.

I think Einstein'’s right.

So, do we use all five tunnels,

or the two that are only blocked, or just the one?

Just the one. It would be quicker to get ready and easier to go out.

All those in agreement?Yep.

Right. First thing tomorrow morning, we unblock Owly.

Owly?

Yeah, well, I didn'’t really fancy calling it Julian any more.

And I thought I'’d name it after you cos-

Well, I thought you were dead brave the way you stood up to Big F on that roll call.

Anyway, we know how much it would annoy him.

Well, I, uh-

Well, that- that'’s really, uh-

Oh, hell, I can'’t have tears in my eyes. I'’m a New Zealander!

Yeah, well- You still got all those civilian uniforms, Izzy?

Sure I got them.

So why should I destroy them?

So when did Izzy Levinson ever destroy good material? So, you tell me.

Yeah, right. Okay. No offence.

Now, we're gonna need somebody to replace Shorty on documents. I'll do it.

You? Well, sorry to doubt you, but what qualifications have you got?

Well, why do you think I wear glasses?

From poring over documents.

What were you, a clerk?

No, a forger.

A forger?

Do you think New Zealand'’s too dull to have criminals?

I'’m a forger. Forged my way into the Royal Air Force.

Well, that'’s good enough for me.

SS.

SS.

Apparently, Mitchell based the design on a seagull.

He thinks you might be trying to escape.

Little does he know, eh?

Right. Owly'’s unblocked.

So when do we go?

Einstein, any ideas on the weather?

It will be overcast a couple of days yet.

We could go tomorrow then.

I agree. If we delay, the war could be over before we escape.

So, if the war'’s ending already, why don'’t we just wait?

It was meant to be over before the first Christmas.

I won'’t believe it's over till it'’s over.Yeah.

We'’ve got to escape. Big F will hate it.

Who agrees we go tomorrow?

Chump.

Do we have anything to say to each other?

Well, I-I hope so, Chump.

Um, as a matter of fact, I'’m- I'm rather churned up at the moment.

Oh, churned up, Big F. Why?

Well, it'’s the big day tomorrow, and it puts me in rather an odd position.

You mean you know?

Of course I know. I didn'’t know you knew.

Now wait a minute. You didn'’t know I knew what?

About my trip to Berlin.

Berlin? Whatever for?

To see the fuehrer. He is giving me the Iron Cross.

The Iron Cro- Why?

Because nobody has escaped from this camp since I came here.

Do you find it funny?

Well, I mean, it'’s a bit ironical.

Ironical?

Well, a British officer receiving Germany'’s top military medal, Big F?

Oh, yes, yes. I can see that it'’s ironical.

I'’m just surprised that you can, Big C, that'’s all.

I didn'’t tell him what'’s really ironical

is that just as he'’s getting the Iron Cross

because nobody'’s escaped from his camp,

we'’ll all be escaping from his camp.

Heil Hitler!

What are you doing with him?

You'’ve heard of carrier pigeons.

Carrier parrots are one better.

He'’s a carrier parrot?

Well, where'’s his message?

In his head. That'’s why they'’re one better.

Who'’s a pretty Allied polly then?

Fellas escaping from Stalag Luft.

Help, help!

I have a way with birds.

You'’re a marvel.

But what happens if he flies to the Germans?

Oh, he won'’t. Have faith.

What'’s German for cocoa?

Cocoa.

Owly, open your namesake.

Right.

Oh, hell. Sorry.

It'’s okay, chaps.

Halt! Who goes there?

Don'’t shoot. We're English.

English?

We'’re in the process of escaping from this camp.

Good Lord.

Congratulations.

Except- Well, I-I could have saved you the trouble. I'’m about to capture it.

Well, don'’t worry. We wouldn't have missed it for the world.

It'’s been fun.

Well done.

This may sound a silly question,

but did a parrot tell you to come here?

Good Lord! Your parrot did arrive in our midst.

Hurrah.

Well, no.

No, not terribly hurrah, actually.

There wasn'’t any message. All it said was, "Heil Hitler."

Oh, no.

I'’m afraid we strangled it.

Oh, you didn'’t!

War teaches you to hate.

Oh, is this man English too?

No. I'’m a New Zealander.

Ah, bad luck.

Oh, no, not you as well.

Right, men, we'’re going in.

Driver, advance.

Attack!

Tally-ho!

Mmm.

Oh.

Ah.

Uh...

Don'’t shoot!

Hands up!

Resistance is useless!

We have you surrounded!

Don'’t shoot!

There aren'’t any Germans in the camp at all.

No Germans? Pull the other one!

Forward, driver.

No, no, no! We'’re British! We're British!

Oh, hurrah! We'’re being rescued! Hurrah! Hello, chaps!

Don'’t shoot! I am Welsh!

Peter Piker picked a peck of pickled peppers.

Where'’s the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piker picked?

♪ Land of hope and glory♪

Good Lord. Hold your fire, men!

It'’s incredible!

So where are the Germans?

It'’s a long story.

Heinrich?

F.

What brings you to Berlin?

You'’ll laugh.

I'’m not sure I remember how to.

Hitler has given me the Iron Cross

because nobody'’s escaped from the camp.

Don'’t make me laugh. My chest hurts.

What- What'’s happened to you?

I thought you were going to escape easily.

Stupid accident.

I had all my papers stolen.

I couldn'’t go to the authorities.

A Kommandantwho had escaped from his own camp.

I have lived with the rats.

I have breakfasted in the sewers. I-

You ruined my war.

Sorry. If it'’s any consolation,

I feel as if I haven'’t had a good war either.

How'’s my parrot?

Oh, thriving. He'’s had a good war.

I'’d like to see him again.

Tell me, how- how do you survive?

By being terrified of dying.

I am so sorry. You'’re a good man.

Oh, please, don'’t.

Terrible things happen to good men.

You'’ve become a cynic.Are you surprised?

Look, how would you like my Iron Cross?

What'’s it worth?

The honour.

No, thank you.

Well, I'’d, uh- I'd better go. I'’ve got your camp to run.

The irony is, I run a harsher regime than you ever did.

Goodbye, Heinrich.

Goodbye, F.

F.

I will.

Will what?

If I'’m ever in the vicinity of Weybridge, no?

Hello, chaps.

Is this man British too?

No, he'’s the German Kommandant.

Chump?

Chump.

Einstein, Prof.

Uh, Shorty, Izzy, Owly.

Speak up for a chap.

You can see he'’s German. He'’s got the Iron Cross.

No, no, chaps, play fair.

Come clean. This-

This just isn'’t cricket!

Einstein, you'’re a Price Egerton. Think of your father.

My father'’s a cruel sod.

Good effort, but rather overdone.

I am always cautious about racial stereotypes.

I'’ve never liked him.

Nothing personal, but there won'’t be much room

for people like him in the new classless post-war Britain.

Look, Shorty, my old Welsh friend, hmm?

Owly, my old Kiwi mucker, eh?

Izzy, Izzy, I could help you.

I know a committee member of the Finchley Golf Club.

Chaps.

Chaps!

There'’s one foolproof way to find out. Never fails.

Look, look, there'’s been a terrible misunder-

Sergeant!

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