Original subtitles

Ash, stop the car!

- Welcome to the '803, kid. - We're in the '80s?

If young me never reads from that book,

then evil will not plague my life, and Pablo will be alive again.

I haven't read from the book. This can't be happening!

Run!

Who's there? Henrietta.

My husband, he's found some book of the dead.

Why am I here? What the... fuck!

So I read from the book, and summoned the kandarian demon.

Ash: Stop the professor!

I'm going to hurt you

real bad.

You'll never get the necronomicon.

Poindexter, you get your ass over here right now!

Please forgive me!

Oh, my god. He just left with the book.

No one escapes their destiny, ash.

Yours is to watch me

suck out your soul!

Make sure you suck both barrels.

Deadite henrietta: Delicious, but I couldn't possibly finish!

Tanya: Help me!

Please!

I don't want to die!

Come on, sweet cheeks.

Help me!

Oh, Ruby, it's you.

0h, great. You got the book. Good job.

What's different about you?

Whoa!

Deadite henrietta: Ah, come here!

- Whoa. - Who are you?

I'm you... from another time.

What are you doing here?

I came for that.

And for ash. So where is he?

Ash!

You're with him?

Ah!

How about some nice warm milk?

- No! - From granny!

No!

No! No!

Prison rules, eh?

Ooh!

Feels so good inside me!

I don't pop my cork for every man I see!

I'll kill you! I'll kill you!

I'll rip your face off!

Stay still!

Suck on this, bitch!

Let go my face! Is that all you got?

Fuck!

Get ready, ash!

Whee!

- Whoa! Whoa! - I like it on top!

Fuck... you!

- You're some kind of trick. - No, the opposite.

I'm the key to you getting everything you ever wanted.

All I ever wanted was this book, and my...

And your babies. I know.

Okay, well, that old bat must've really rung my bell good,

'cause I'm seeing two rubys right now.

One too many.

Wait, this is your opportunity to choose a new life.

Oh, wait a second. I know what's going on now.

You're the '805 version of Ruby.

Wow! That is trippy.

Oh, here's a question.

If we all had sex right now, would it still be a threesome,

'cause technically you're both the same person?

Okay, well, either way, you should listen to this Ruby, 'cause your future sucks.

Your demon kids are going to betray you for their demon dad.

Then they're going to make you kill 'em.

- What? - Yeah.

Didn't see that coming, did you? Trying to help.

' You kill my babies?

But you don't have to.

Don't you get it? You can walk away with your immortality intact.

- You can create a new future. - What would I even do?

Anything, you can do anything.

Anything?

Kelly: Ruby!

She won't be down long.

I'll do what I can, but I want you to get out of here now.

And just leave you here alone to die?! I don't think so.

No, we just need to stop this bleeding.

Kelly... stop.

So, Ruby, does this mean I don't have to pay back the 20 bucks I owe you?

It's 200 bucks.

I was wrong about you.

You're an all right sort of person.

Sort of.

Well, and even though you unleashed evil on the world,

you didn't get in my way while I cleaned it up,

so I guess you're an okay half-demon, half-person yourself.

- I'm not dead, you dumb bastard. - Oh, wow.

That was weird. You were really still for a minute.

Oh, Kelly... take it.

You know what to do.

And you go and forge that path, all right?

I'll hold her off as long as I can.

Time to go.

Ow!

Oh!

- What the deuce is going on? - Ash, what's wrong?

Holy hand! Kelly, you see this?!

I got a hand! It's real!

It works! It's magnificent!

Too bad Pablo couldn't be here to see this.

No, ash, don't you see what this means?

We changed history.

It worked!

Pablo!

Let me out of here!

Wait a minute. I was... what is...

What is... what is happening?

- What is going on? - Well, you were dead.

- Uh-huh. - So, we went back in time,

we changed history, and now you're back alive.

- Wait, I was dead? - Oh, yeah.

Sunken eyes, horrible stench, the whole nine yards.

Welcome back, pablito.

- Wow. - Yeah!

Now that is a firm handshake, jefe!

Crazy, huh? Brand-spanking-new hand.

Or, brand-new spanking hand?

Hey, now...

Wait, guys, where's Ruby?

- She didn't make it, man. - So, what, this other Ruby,

the evil '80s Ruby, she's just chilling at the cabin?

Our Ruby was going to hold her off for as long as she could, until...

Can we change the subject to something less depressing?

Like, Pablo, maybe tell us more about the time you died?

Oh, yeah.

It almost feels like it happened to another me,

but this me still knows about it.

And in that moment, right before I died,

all I could think about was how I wanted to save the world,

and be a hero, like you.

Well, you'll never really be like me, 'cause I'm a legal citizen,

but you did help save the world.

Kelly: I hate to be a buzzkill,

but we kind of need to get back to the future.

Without Ruby's help.

Kelly, book me.

Pablo, you think because that book was inside you,

some sumerian rubbed off?

Like enough to read from the time travel passage in there?

Don't you worry, jefe.

I got this.

- I knew you could do it. - Oh, yeah. I can do it, all right.

Just don't know if I want to.

What?

I said, “I don't want to."

Hey, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa!

Better!

- Bill! - You fuck!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Ash?

Kelly.

Are we back in Jacksonville?

Mama.

Look who's awake.

You mind telling me what the flying dutchman is going on?

We're course correcting, rebuilding the family you tore apart.

See, this era's Ruby hasn't been exposed to you

like the recently departed Ruby was.

Hasn't betrayed me.

Well, that's good.

You found yourself a keeper.

- Now, where the hell is my Pablo? - Oh, it's hard to say.

See, most cultures have different names for the netherworld.

The aztecs called it mictlan. The Greeks, the tartarus.

You call it hell.

None of it's correct, but your tiny little minds

cannot comprehend the reality of the dimension

that your friend now finds himself in.

You know, you almost had me.

You really blocked off all my options.

Well, most of them, anyway.

And it's not ideal being inside a dead body,

but it's not an insurmountable challenge.

Especially when all I had to do

was convince the one man foolish enough to swallow my chicanery

if he went back in time, he could resurrect his dead little friend.

You flim-flamming s.O.B.

You played me like a cheap fiddle.

Oh, don't be so sore, ash.

There's no way you could've known.

See, my transference was one of those...

Blink and you'll miss it moments.

Blah-di-blah-di-blah.

- Heard it all before, pal. - That so?

Yeah, demon powers, immortality, jumping into people's bodies.

Honestly, I'm not impressed by that.

Now, you strip that away, give us a fair fight,

- I'll bet I would kick your candy ass. - Ignore him.

Come on, buddy. What do you say?

A little mano a mano? Test the mettle of man?

That's what this is all about, right?

I'm willing to throw in.

But... and this is a big, hairy but...

You got to turn off your demon powers.

This has to be a fair fight.

What do you hope to achieve by this?

If I win, you, Ruby, your worthless kids,

and all the other evil crap here takes a freight train to the underworld,

and I get my buddy Pablo back.

Dark Ruby: And what do we get when you lose?

I don't know, toots. What do you want?

I want to rip the skies open until they bleed.

And the flood to flush away humanity,

and the earth to burn so that the flames touch the heavens.

Is that it?

And then I want my spawn to eat her.

Ah, apocalypse, and a side of Kelly for the kids.

Okay, I accept.

Wow, really, dude?

- The necronomicon. - What?

Now!

Ash, do you really think

you can trust this piece of shit to keep his word?

How the hell should I know? I'm making this up.

Hey! Easy, man! It's a brand-new hand!

You defeat me, we accept exile from this realm...

And your friend shall be returned.

Okay, you defeat me,

I guess all kinds of bad crap's going to happen for a long time.

Got it.

A promise sealed with blood.

There's no stronger bond.

Put your dancing shoes on.

Let's do this.

Too quick for you, huh?

Oh! Come on, bill. The idea is to actually hit me.

Look at them.

Slaves to pride.

Willing to risk everything for vanity while using us as bargaining chips.

- Baal: Come on! - Me to be banished,

and you to be defiled and devoured.

I never heard anything about being defiled.

It was implied, trust me.

They've shown us just how little they think we matter.

What are you doing?

I'm not going to risk everything for a contest of egos.

I'm going to alter the deal.

You feel that? That's what mortals call "pain"!

Get on board, 'cause the pain train is stopping in bill ville!

You fight like a girl!

What are you doing with ash?

'Cause you're stronger than him.

Why be a follower when you could be a leader?

Kelly, you're stronger than ash.

Why follow when you should lead?

You join with me, and I'll give you powers you couldn't possibly imagine.

I'd rather die!

Don't be foolish.

You can't win.

- No, no, no! - Chet!

- Ash! - Hey.

-Oh'

Oh! Oh!

You are stuck in there real good!

A real friend would give you a hand.

Of course...

You did let Cheryl kill me, so guess you're not a real friend.

J' dah, dah, dah, dah I

ow, ow!

Chet! Stop that!

Oh!

Oh, well, I guess I'll have to take your hand, buddy.

What's that?

What do you think you're do... Oh, no!

- Be still! - No!

Oh, gross, man!

Oh! Oh, my virgin hand!

It hasn't even held a beer!

Hey! You get back here right now!

Take that!

Chet: Gross!

We never finished our game, ashy.

Do you really want to die here with ash Williams, orjoin with me?

There's one thing I learned from ash...

Shoot first, ask questions never.

You could've had it all.

Hiding in the skins of people.

That's a punk move!

You said you wouldn't use any powers!

Oh!

Brock: Ashley?

Ashley?

Ashley, where are we?

You are not my father.

Oh, yes, son. It-it's really me.

There's no time to explain, but listen carefully.

It's vital that you know the truth.

I should've told you years ago, but you weren't ready.

You are now.

You see, you and I...

You leave my dad out of this!

Ashley, you idiot!

- Stop it! - Sorry, I don't come with brakes!

- Listen to me. - Shut up.

Between...

Tell it to somebody who cares!

- Ashley, you are... - Save your breath, buddy!

You're going to need it!

Game... over!

Savior of humanity...

Couldn't even save the ones dearest to you.

Did you really think I was going to honor the deal?

Brock's voice: Take the chainsaw, son.

Humans are so gullible.

Oh, nice move... for a cheater!

I'm sorry, Kelly.

I was wrong to bring us here.

I failed you.

I failed Pablo.

I failed the world.

We won a fuck ton more than we lost, ash.

That's not failure.

Baal: I disagree.

Prophesized one will die by my hand.

Humanity will bow to evil once more.

And by every definition...

That spells failure.

Wait!

Okay.

You did it. You won.

Now, I'm not afraid of dying.

But before I go, I got to know one thing.

What is it?

What was she like in the sack?

Wow! You immortals are so gullible!

What have you done?!

Honored the deal!

- Ash! - That's our cue.

Ash!

No, no!

Pablo!

- What happened? - Well, Pablo, you died.

But you died saving the world.

Wait... am I dead right now?

What? No, that's crazy!

We went back in time to the '80s and we saved you.

Oh, okay. Cool.

- Thanks, jefe. - You're welcome, bill.

Come on now!

- Let's do it! - What the fuck is wrong with you?!

I save the world and you punch me in the face?

I'm sorry, Pablo.

Just had to be sure. It was one of those days.

Come on! Now give it up!

Whoo!

- Give me an "a"! - Cheerleaders: “A"!

- Give me an "s"! - Cheerleaders: "S"!

- Give me an "h"! - Cheerleaders: “H"!

- Cheerleader: What's that spell? - All: Ash!

Cheerleaders: Ash Williams!

Now, elk grove,

let's welcome our hero, Ashley j. Williams!

- Ash, everyone's waiting for you. - Oh.

Thank you!

Thank you very much!

Thank you, good people of elk grove.

You know, uh...

30 years ago,

I was a pariah in this town.

- Man: Yeah, you were! - I was kicked out.

Permanently,

for allegedly doing something unspeakable to my friends and family.

So, as you can imagine, when I came back here,

I was afraid you wouldn't listen to the real truth.

Which is I'm just a total badass hero, not a serial killer.

Yeah.

Unfortunately, all my worst fears came true.

You were still complete assholes,

you called me horrible names,

and you were basically responsible for the deaths

of my best friend and my father.

Yep.

But I'm glad that we're past that now.

Today is a new day, and I want you to know...

I love this town.

So much so, I'm moving back here, and this time it's for good!

Yeah! That's right!

Evil, if you show your ugly mug in this town

ever again...

I will fuck you up,

I will take you down, and I will wipe you out!

Yeah.

I love you, elk grove!

I love you, as“

hey, I love me, too!

Let's party!

- You okay? - Yeah.

Wow, it's just that...

All of this... it's so perfect.

I mean, I-I never expected any of this.

Well, you deserve this, ash.

You've done your part.

Now you can live a normal life.

It's time you relax and do whatever you want.

Whatever I want?

Ooh, I want some sugar!

Whoo!

Girl: Hey, look what I found!

Created by: A. Vandelay post haste digital