Original subtitles

Ash Williams, you're under arrest

for the murder of Amber Corey.

- Baal: Shh. - There's a demon in here.

He's hidden among us. He could be in any one of you.

I got a problem. What if I'm baal?

Wait, wait, wait!

You're not thinking straight.

Ruby: Baal gets into people's psyches, turning them against each other,

- until they annihilate themselves. - Thomas, this isn't you.

Don't you ever shut the fuck up?!

- Linda: It's over! - Hey, toots. Come to daddy.

I'm going to send you back to hell where you belong.

And how exactly?

The necronomicon is gone, and I'm up here.

- Is that sumerian? - I told you I'm him.

No, Pablo. You're not baal. You're our only hope of stopping him.

Never seen this before.

The book of the dead festering inside a live human body.

- That's good, right? No? - Ash.

What's happening?!

Pablo?

- Oh, my god. - Pablo?

Come on, buddy, quit fooling around.

You're scaring me... Uh-uh, these people.

Oh, no.

Kelly: Ash, what's wrong with him?

- Ash? - Pablo?

Buddy.

Where the hell is he?! He's a murderer!

You're supposed to protect this town.

You let this guy come back and do all this right under your nose?!

- Now listen to me. - I want justice for my daughter!

Justice for Amber!

It's hard, isn't it?

Resisting the urge to shoot that vile woman in the head.

I don't blame you.

Make these people respect you, not think of you as the guy

who lost his town and his wife to ash Williams.

Who are you?

Well, uh, just like that hooker

you saw in Detroit last summer?

I can be whoever you want me to be, sugar.

Oh, Jesus.

Well, the son of god might be a stretch, but you get the point.

What's happening?

- I just want my family back. - Oh.

Yeah, well, here's the thing.

I could take her out, or you could take her out.

It doesn't really matter.

We both know that she's not the one that you want, so...

- What are you going to do about it? - Ash Williams is a murderer!

What are you going to do about it?!

Can't you just cut it out of me?

Doesn't work like that.

It's not like there's a physical book inside you.

It's more like you're becoming one with the book.

Like a spiritual convergence.

Wait a minute, this convergence,

once it happens, what does that mean for Pablo?

Once the book manifests completely,

there'll be no Pablo.

That's a nay-no.

- Look, ash, I understand... - Do I need to spell it out to you?

It's a nay-no on no-Pablo. Are we clear?

Just so you're clear, the necronomicon is the only way

we can banish baal back to the underworld.

Nuh-uh, I got a plan for baal,

and it doesn't involve recycling Pablo into some stupid book.

I'm going to find him, take my chainsaw, shove it right up his ass.

He is never going to show his face to you.

Even if you do somehow manage to find him, he'll justjump bodies.

Way ahead of you.

You see that? That's a pet tracker.

I got that 'cause Eli kept getting into my weed stash

and wandering around my trailer.

All I got to do is find baal once, shove this down his throat.

That way, even if he sheds his skin,

I can still find him, take my chainsaw...

And shove it right up baal's ass?

You're like the daughter I never had.

Your chainsaw is never going to stop baal,

no matter where you shove it.

But there may be a way.

If we can allow the convergence to continue a little longer,

I can isolate the right passage to cast baal back.

Uh, okay.

So maybe we can add your thing on top of my great pet tracker plan.

We get Pablo right up close, he does his voodoo,

and, well, the rest will just fall into place.

- Don't overthink it. - Guys, Pablo's going to be...

- Fine. - Get him up to my room.

Do not kill Pablo.

And don't get any of that crap on my stuff.

Linda, I made a promise to you, so I'm going to go out now

and find your ex-husband?

Thank you, ash.

Despite everything that's happened, I still want to make sure he's okay.

Yeah, yeah, me too.

Listen, don't worry about a thing, okay?

You're safe here, I promise.

Woman: Murderer! Get out!

Man: Go back to where you came from!

Man: Get the hell out of here!

Woman: Our children are dead!

Man: Take your evil and go!

Well, I found him.

Thomas is out there?

- What the hell is he doing? - Ooh, I wouldn't do that.

- We're good. - Lacey, go wait for me upstairs.

Emery: Ash Williams!

You've been ordered to surrender yourself into my custody right now!

Thomas? Why are you doing this?

You saw what ash did. You know he's protecting us.

All I know is if he doesn't come out willingly,

we're coming in there to drag him out!

- You hear me, Williams?! - Okay, we cannot let this crowd in here

to screw up whatever Ruby's doing with Pablo.

I got an idea.

You want ash?!

Well, you fuckwads better know how to walk through lead!

Okay, so, I just fired a gun at a crowd of civilians.

Yeah, that's like a felony.

- Hey, what... what-what's that for? - Protection.

I'm sorry, how is salt meant to protect him?

It's not, it's meant to protect us from him.

Don't worry, everything is going to be fine.

It's just a precaution. Right?

I'm going to use an incantation to accelerate the convergence.

It's going to hurt a lot more than this, isn't it?

It'll be over quickly.

Back off now,

or I will fuck your faces with bullets!

- Too much? - I totally bought it.

Sounds like they're trying to break in upstairs.

I'm good down here.

Okay, I'll be right back.

Stay strong, Pablo!

It feels like my skin is going to explode!

It looks like something's not right. By that pendant.

Please! Please! You have to stop this!

Pablo, I need to take that pendant.

Fuck.

Pablo. Oh, my god.

- Ah! - Both: Oh!

- Chet! - Hey!

- What are you doing in here?! - Uh...

Nothing.

Uh, Chet?

- Yeah? - We should get out of here.

Right.

Move your butt, Chet!

- You okay? - Yeah.

They have the book.

What the hell were you doing in that room?

Dude, there's a huge mob coming for you.

I came to warn you!

What were you doing in Cheryl's room with her stuff?

Oh, wait! Is that Cheryl's room?

Woman: Ash?

Ashley?

Ash: Cheryl?

- Cheryl. - Cheryl?

Ash? Is that you?

I'm scared.

Yeah. It's me, Cheryl.

How'd you get here, sis?

I don't know. I-I don't understand any of this.

Where's dad?

Um... dad's not here right now.

Well, you look different. What happened to you?

Pancakes?

Chet?

- Chet kaminski?! - Yep.

You're all grown up.

Well, uh, you look pretty good, too.

Hate to rain on anybody's parade, but, Cheryl,

you're not supposed to be here.

You died after you got branch-banged by a demon tree about 30 years ago.

- I died? - Yeah.

It was pretty horrific.

You don't remember any of that?

Seems like the kind of thing somebody would remember.

Oh, wait.

Wait, I-I think... oh...

Oh, it's all coming back to me now.

Linda: Uh, Kelly...

- You need to see this. - Man: Everybody got something?

Audry: Come here! Come on!

Ash Williams murdered our sons and daughters,

- and now we make him pay! - Crowd: Yeah!

- Anybody gets in your way, kill them! - Crowd: Yeah!

Shit!

Ah! Get down!

- They're trying to kill us! - You ever shoot a gun before?

What? We're not going to try to kill them, are we?

Unfortunately no.

We just got to keep them at bay as long as we can, okay?

- Read y? - Yes!

Ash: Chet!

Ah!

Just you and me now, Chet.

I ...As his bride j“

I missed you, baby!

J“ I might like you better if we slept together j“

- j“ I might like you better... j“ - oh, my baby's got a boo-boo.

- Uh, I don't have a... have a boo-boo. - Oh, gee.

This doesn't feel half as good as it used to.

J“ I might like you better if we slept together... I

what else you got for me, big boy?

Noth...

- I-I don't have anything. - Ooh.

What, there's nothing!

Sorry, sis, playtime's over.

Fine!

Then I'm going to make like a tree, and fuck you!

Whoa!

You're still a lousy dancer!

You're still a bitch!

Deadite Cheryl: Ashy...

Want to play a game?

Come on, ashy.

It'll be fun.

Your game sucks ass, Cheryl.

Deadite Cheryl: That's because you're still a loser.

Like you always were!

Oh, yeah?

Deadite Cheryl: Warm.

Warm.

Warmer.

Whoa!

Take it easy, man. Take it easy.

I-I never touched her, I swear.

I would never betray you like that.

Okay, fine.

Just stay here, I'll deal with Cheryl.

Cool, um, I'll just, uh, wait in your room.

Don1! Don't go in there, it's not safe.

You stay here and do a bunch of nothing.

Deadite Cheryl: Come and get me, ash!

Ugh! Damn it!

We are eating a giant shit sandwich right now.

Are you good down here for a minute while I try and unfuck the situation?

I got it. Go.

- Where have you been? - Shut up.

- Emery: Lay down your weapons! - Family reunion. My sister, Cheryl.

- What? - Yeah, I killed her decades ago.

Now she's back. I got to find her, and kill her again.

Wait, she came back but now you've lost her?

Focus up. We got to find Cheryl.

Hey, why don't you deal with your dead sister

while I stop your inbred, asshole neighbors

from busting in and lynching you!

- Huh, hey. - Emery: Ash!

Ruby, shit's gone so sideways it's basically upside down.

Have you found the spell...

- What did you do to him? - It's working.

- This is "working"? - I've accelerated the process,

but we can't control when the specific spell will manifest.

Bullshit, you can't.

Pablo, listen up.

You might be converging with the book or whatever,

but you are still a fucking ghost beater.

You call the shots,

not some glorified, demonic romance novel.

- You hear me? - Yeah.

I said, do you hear me?

I got this.

There's my powerful vagina.

What do we do when the spell appears?

Put this back on him. It'll halt any further convergence.

Pablo, quit fucking around.

Find the spell we need to send this asshole home.

It's coming.

Deadite Cheryl: Ooh, found me!

I don't want to play with that!

I want to play with this!

It worked. Now we have the spell to defeat baal.

- Oh! - What's wrong?

It's an old wound.

All right, well, do your voodoo, and heal yourself.

- I don't do that anymore. - What are talking about, Ruby?

Wolverine that shit back together. We don't have time.

I mean I can't.

My children stole my immortality.

Don't look at me like that. I don't want your sympathy.

Deadite Cheryl: Come on, ash! We got to brush those teeth!

Oh!

Chet, you idiot. I told you to wait upstairs.

Chill, I'm just looking for a beer.

Oh, relax! Just want one.

You can pound the other five.

- Oh! - You're going to have to go through him

- to get to me. - No way.

Throughout everything, Chet is the only friend of mine

- who always stood by me. - Oh.

Never lied to me, never let me down,

never, ever, betrayed me.

Uh, ash, I should probably tell you...

- It's okay, pal. Me, too. - Aw, you guys!

So sweet!

Too bad, 'cause if you won't go through him...

I will!

No, no! Chet!

Oh!

No!

Oh, no.

- Shit! - You're next.

Woman: Oh, my god!

- I believe you've been looking for me. - Woman: Shoot him!

Man: What are you waiting for? Shoot him!

Let's get one thing straight, yo-yos,

I kill demons, not people.

Bullshit!

Unless those people are demons who look like people.

And then I kill people, but they're not really people, they're demons.

You understand?

In a minute, I'll prove it.

- Man: Come on! - Man #2: He's full of it!

Yep, any minute now.

Man: What are we waiting for? Just shoot him!

Hang in there. It's going to be worth it.

Man: It's moving.

Chowderheads of elk grove, meet my sister, Cheryl.

Cheryl, meet the chowderheads.

Woman: It can't be! Man: No, no, she's dead!

Exactly. Hey, sis.

Wait for it...

Woman: She's still standing!

You can't stop us.

We'll kill you all.

Oh, my god! She's a demon.

- Yep, told you so. - Man: Do something!

- Woman: Oh, please, ash! - Man: Help us!

Okay, let's show 'em what a hero does.

Hey, Cheryl, remember the time we played hide-and-seek?

I hid in the trunk of the car, and you locked me in, wouldn't let me out?

Remember that?

So do I.

And that, elk grove, is how you take care of business.

Well, Cheryl, it's been fun catching up.

Sorry I got to kill you.

Again.

I hope we all learned something today.

Not again.

- Ash, behind you! - What's that?

So you're baal?

Good, because I'm carving you up next.

Shh.

Let's stop arguing.

Wouldn't it be much easier to work together?

Shh.

J“ they're coming to take me away, ha-ha .i'

j“ they're coming to take me away, ho-ho j“

j“ hee-hee, ha-ha, to the funny farm j'

j“ where life is beautiful all the time j“

j“ and I'll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean, white coats j“

j“ and they're coming to take me away, ha-ha .i'

j“ you thought it was a joke I

j“ and so you laughed, you laughed I

j“ when I had said that losing you would make me flip my lid j”

.r right? R

j“ you know you laughed, I heard you laugh j“

j“ you laughed, you laughed, and laughed, and then you left j“

j“ but now you know I'm utterly mad j“

j“ and they're coming to take me away, ha-ha .i'

j“ they're coming to take me away, ho-ho j“

j“ hee-hee, ha-ha, to the happy home j“

j“ with trees and flowers and chirping birds I

j“ and basket weavers, who sit and smile j“

j“ and twiddle their thumbs and toes I

j“ and they're coming to take me away, ha-ha .i'

created by: A. Vandelay post haste digital