Original subtitles

- Now I know this plan is foolproof.

Check this out.

First of all, you and me start working at the bank.

Doesn't matter the position, okay,

just so long as we get in there, all right?

Then we just go there every day,

do the work, gain their trust

until we get them in the palm of our hand.

- All right. So how we get the money?

- That's the beauty of it, bro.

They deposit the money into our bank accounts,

week after week, month after month.

They're not even gonna know they're being robbed.

And then 20 or 30 years later,

we walk out the front door like nothing even happened.

- Motherfucker, that's called a job!

- Hello.

Good evening.

- Thank you.

- Thank you so much for coming out.

Uh, I am Keegan. - I am Jordan.

- And this is Key and Peele.

- Welcome to the show. - Thank you for coming.

- Thank you.

Now, Keegan and I have noticed

that there, uh, seems to be a huge difference

between white college movies and black college movies.

- It's huge, yes.

In-in white college movies-

white college movies are always only about having fun,

smoking weed, and stealing mascots.

- Right, and it's all about...

Let's drink some beer off of some titties!

Yeah, let's get away

with date rape!

- And in black college movies, the-the lead always

says this line, every time:

- "I'm gonna go to college."

Toward the beginning of the film, "I'm gonna go"-

as if someone just told him,

"There's no way you're gonna go to college, man."

"I'm gonna go."

That's the plot of the film right there.

That this guy's gonna go to college.

- And in a white college movie, it-it-it-

uh, college is a given.

College is a backdrop. - Oh, yeah.

- It's about "How do I get out of college?"

- That's right, "How do I do as little work as possible?"

- "Aw, man, I'm sick of this trust fund

and my dad being a legacy."

- No, black college movies, always the same plot:

"I might develop a challenging, rhythmical,

extracurricular activity"- - Mm-hmm.

- "That's not gonna change the fact that I'm going

to stay in college." - Mm-hmm.

It's gonna be all right, brother, 'cause there ain't

nobody gonna try to kick you out of college.

It's a black college. You're gonna be fine.

- I don't understand, when is gonna be the day

that we can have a college movie for black people

where we get to act like fools?

- I'll tell you this right now:

When a black man dresses like a woman

in order to live in a sorority house,

we will have reached equality. - That's right.

No, actually, that- no, that movie exists.

Big Momma's House 3 starring Sir Martin Lawrence.

- Well, then, we have reached the mountaintop.

All right.

- Ahh!

Omega Pi Omega!

- Omega Pi Omega!

Omega Pi Omega!

- Omega Pi Omega! - Yeah!

- Yo, brand me, son. - Yeah.

- Brand me, do it on my chest.

- Yeah. - Straight down the middle, son.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

- Ahh!

- Yeah, son!

- Oh, yeah-yo... yo, yo, hold up, man.

Come on, wait.

Wait, wait, that's...

that shit's upside-down, son.

It-it's to the side a little bit too.

- Oh, shit, well, okay, my-my bad, dog.

My bad, dog. You wanna keep doing this shit?

Let's go! - Yeah, man.

I'm just-I'm saying, yo, be careful.

- I got you, dog, I got you... yeah!

- Ahh!

- What's up? That's what's up!

- Yeah. - Straight down the middle, son!

- You can't go back to middle now, son.

- What? - We already committed

to the upside-down and to the side.

- I got you, dog, yeah! - Ahh!

What are you doing, man?

- You said upside-down and to the side.

- That's three omegas!

- Oh, man, I forgot the Pi.

Yeah! - Ahh!

Oh...

- Oh, man, I mean, you know...

that-that, man... that-that...

that could be a rocket ship,

or-or a lighthouse.

Naw, man, you straight up got a dick on your chest.

- Ahh!

- What do we do?

They told us at the station to come down here and fill time,

but, uh, there's no story here.

- In this neighborhood, there's always a story.

Here, gimme the name of a mythical creature.

- Mythical creature? I don't-

- Trust me. - Uh, I don't-a pegasus.

- Pegasus, perfect.

Just roll, watch, and learn.

- They can stay in my house if they want to-

- Hi, there. Rick Nicholsby, Channel Six News.

We've had reports of a pegasus in the area.

Has anybody seen anything like that?

- Aw, yeah, man, I seen a pegasus.

I seen it, yeah, every day. - I sees it too, man.

We both see that pegasus, dog.

- Yeah, I saw it with my own two eyes, man.

That horse had a big old snake head-

- Naw, man, it ain't got no snake head, fool.

Y'all, that-that horse had some big wings, man.

- Yeah, yeah. - It's all flying and shit.

- Yeah, that horse had big old wings.

Man, like, two sets of wings, yeah.

- Y'all see the pegasus? - Yeah.

- Everybody up in here seen the pegasus, man.

- Curiosity has brought out large crowds

to see the alleged pegasus in this South Lennox neighborhood.

- Look, there it is.

- I'm gonna find it, break it,

and then ride it to the pegasus treasure.

- Residents say the creature resembles this amateur sketch.

- Kicked the fuck out of my car.

City's gotta pay for that shit too.

I ain't got no coverage for no pegasus, bitch.

- He land on my roof, man. Look at my roof, man.

He busted it up.

He busted the whole thing up, man.

Yeah, he been-he been-he been sitting up there every day.

- While many revel in the possibility

of seeing the winged horse,

others are not so welcoming.

- I just know this neighborhood would be better

if that pegasus is put down.

God ain't putting no wings on no horse.

- Now, see, if this was a white neighborhood,

animal control would be up in here

with a pegasus trap. - That's right.

They can't take our pegasus. This is our pegasus.

- Pegasus up in this motherfucker!

- Hey, man, why you interrupting me?

I'm trying to talk about the pegasus.

- Fuck you! - Hey!

Don't be disrespecting pegasus! - I love pegasus!

- Yes, we're here live on the scene in South Lennox,

where riots have broken out over the alleged appearance

of a flying horse.

- Did this actually happen?

Did Mel Gibson actually say to that woman-

- His-uh, not just a woman, his wife or girlfriend.

- Right, whatever she was. Did he say to her,

"I hope you get raped by a pack of niggers"?

- Yes, he did. - What?

- He is the most racist man in the world, yes.

- But, seriously, no- and, for the record,

if-if he had said,

"I hope you get raped by a pack of African-Americans"-

- Not better, not better. - Doesn't fix it.

Doesn't even fix it, it's that racist.

- Because "pack" always denotes non-human.

- It means animals. - It means animals every time.

- No, l-I would've rather he said, uh,

"I hope you get raped by a group of niggers."

- Mm-hmm. - Uh...

"A, uh, gathering of niggers"

would have been fine.

- "Congregation."

- A congre-please.

No, but it's, like, a pack.

"Pack" is the most racist thing

I've ever heard anyone say in my life.

- I would rather someone say, "You got raped

by a group of niggers,"

than "A pack of African-Americans

went to a physics presentation."

- Yes, yes.

Right? - I would be less offended.

- Hey, did you see that nigga?

- That nigga looked like Busta Rhymes

and Maya Angelou had a baby.

Yeah, yeah.

That was one jacked-up-looking nigger.

- Uh-oh. You just dropped the N-word,

but you're not an "N."

Lucky for you, there's a way to avoid these situations.

Introducing the new smartphone application:

The negraph.

Finally, a technology specifically designed

to help you determine whether or not you can drop the N-bomb.

- I can say it!

We can all say it!

- Not in this lifetime.

- To see your negraph, just enter your name,

age, and color of your skin,

or just the color of your skin.

- I've got the negraph on my phone and my iPad.

My phone says I can't ever say it.

My iPad says I can't ever say it...

but bigger!

- The negraph- can you say the N-word?

- I can say nigger all day long.

Nigger!

- No.

I'd like to, but... says it right here.

- The negraph.

And also available at the App Store, the fagchart.

- Uh, greetings, adventurers.

- Greetings. - Greetings.

- As you all can see here,

we have a new traveler in our ranks.

Uh, this is my cousin Tyrell,

and he will be controlling the player character.

- His name is Kanye. He's a giant, yo.

Uh, dear cousin...

traditionally, a-a giant is not assumed by a player.

It is a chaotic, evil-

- Yeah, but I want to be a giant, yo.

All big.

- Oh, okay. Fine.

Well, travelers, you are joined on your adventure today

by a giant named Kanye.

Now when last we left you,

you were at the Inn of the North Star

in the town of Isledor.

How do you begin your adventure?

- I wanna get some bitches.

Where the club at at Isledor, yo?

- Tyrell, this is highly unusual.

I think the guys probably just wanna go on the quest-

- Um, Stephen? - Yes?

- I would like to join Kanye the giant in his quest.

- Seriously?

All right.

The two of you enter the tavern.

What do you say?

- Kanye the giant orders Alize.

- "Hmm," says the barkeep.

"Uh, I know not of this foreign beverage of which you speak.

Perhaps you'd enjoy an Elven ale?"

- No, we both want the Alize.

- Alize does not exist in this world.

- Kanye the giant slaps that bitch.

- Oh!

- Kanye the giant attempts

to slap the bartender. Here.

The bartender is half-Hobbit

and very nimble,

so you're going to have to roll an 18 or above to hit.

20. - Blip.

Slap that Hobbit's dick off, yo.

- Okay. Gollin the cleric,

would you care to restrain Kanye the giant

before the town guard is called?

- Uh, I grab money out of the register.

- But-but-but Gollin the cleric is lawful good.

This act of thievery

would dishonor his gods. - Hey, man.

The only gods is money and bitches, dude.

- Ah! I accept Kanye the giant's gods, and, uh...

yeah, l-l-I steal some of the money too.

- You too?

Okay, would you now like to continue your quest

for the Lance of Caldahar? - Fellas...

we came here for bitches.

Where the bitches at?

- All right, you see a bevy of well-endowed wenches.

- Great, I grab them bitches, and we all go in my SUV.

- Fine. Kanye the giant, Udar the dwarf,

and Gollin the cleric climb into his SUV

with their bitches and their ill-gotten gains.

- And our Alize.

Plus Kanye the giant puts his demo CD

in the CD player- - No, he doesn't.

There are no CDs in this world!

You know what?

Do whatever you want.

- All right.

I guess I'm the Dungeon Master now.

The Eye of Ona opens up...

16 titties fall out.

- Yeah! - Hurrah!

- Okay, so occasionally Keegan and I will be recognized

on the street. - Occasionally.

- Occasionally happens. - Occasionally, yeah.

Uh, uh, and it's always by the-

by the same particular kind of guy, every single time.

- Yes, this dude has- wears suit pants and high-tops.

- Mm-hmm, or conversely,

sweat pants and polished dress shoes.

- One or the other. One or the other.

And you can tell he doesn't know our names,

'cause my man just talk about, "Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

"Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

"Yeah, oh, yay! That's what l-yeah, yeah!

That's my shit, dog." - Yeah.

- But then inevitably- inevitably he will say this-

- "Yo, but ideally, dog, ideally...

"we could do some shit together, man.

Ideally..."

- Never met him before!

Never seen the man before a day in my life.

- Straight up, but, yo, I'm trying to get what you doin'.

I'm tryin' to do what you doin'.

What you are, where you at, where you at.

So ideally, ideally, I be doin' what you doin' right now.

- Why "ideally"? Why "ideally"?

Of course, "ideally"! - Of course.

- Ideally, I want to wake up tomorrow

and have my penis intact. Ideally!

- Ideally, you would be wearing shoes

that match your pants, motherfucker.

- Right. Exactly

- Oh, my God. So it's definitely happening?

We're making a record?

Oh, no, I promise, it's gonna be a hit.

Hey, no, man, thank you.

- What's up, my man?

I heard about your record deal, dog.

You gonna keep it real, now, right, right?

You're gonna stay true to your roots, right?

You ain't gonna let down your boy-your boy Dwayne.

- Dwayne Washington. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Ramsey Junior High- - Yo, yo, yo!

If it ain't Craig, the man of the hour, homie.

You remember me, I'm Teresa's cousin.

You gonna keep it real?

- Yeah, definitely gonna keep it real, man.

So, yeah... - What up? What up?

It's my favorite Craig, mm-hmm. - I don't know you, man.

- You don't know me?

Shit, is that how it's gonna be, Craig?

- No, I really don't know you.

- You changed.

- All right, you good, you good.

- Craig's phone.

- Hey, youngblood.

My girls take care of you, you take care of me.

- Oh, all right. All right.

Oh!

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, all right.

- Hello, Craig's phone.

It's for you, brother. - Aww.

Thanks, man. Thanks. All right, hello?

Yeah.

It fell through?

It's not happening?

Damn, man...

No, it's all right. Thanks anyway.

Sorry, everybod-

Damn.

Good evening, my fellow Americans.

Now before we begin, I'd like to once again introduce you

to my anger translator Luther. - Hi.

- Now this November, I want each and every one of you

to ask yourselves, "what has changed in the last four years?"

- Who killed Osama bin Laden?

- What has my administration accomplished?

- Did we accomplish killing America's biggest enemy?

Uh, check, did that, boom!

- In 2011 alone, we created more jobs than George W. Bush did

in all eight years of his office.

- Except for "Osama bin Laden hunter,"

because that job don't exist anymore,

'cause I went over there, and I killed him in his face.

- We helped make health care

accessible to more Americans

than ever before.

- I'm sorry, what'd you say?

Your World Trade Center hurts?

Then why don't you take two dead bin Ladens

and call me in the morning, biz-itch?

- This election, make the decision

that you think best serves the future of this country.

- Or you can eat a dum-dum sandwich

and just vote for the person who didn't kill Osama bin Laden.

But why would you do it? Why would you do it?

I mean, God damn.

- I plan to run a clean campaign,

one based on the issues and the accomplishments

of my administration. - Mm-hmm.

But I'm gonna tell you right now,

if the Republicans-if they had caught Osama bin Laden,

there wouldn't even be an election, man.

They'd just put a crown on his head,

and give him a castle, and just call him

the King of America, and that'd be it.

I said, that'd be it!

- All right, all right, all right.

Just, you know, bring it down a notch, there, Luther.

- Okay, come on, Luther, man,

you're straight up out of control, brother.

- Well, l- it's not that bad.

- Okay, don't beat yourself up, it's okay.

'Scuse me.

- Can a nigga get a lozenge?

- Now, Luther, you-you- you can't say that word.

- Oh...

actually it says right here, I can say it whenever I want.

- I guess I can say it too.

Good night, my niggas.

- Okay, so here's a very sad thing-

Jordan and I could not be rappers.

Couldn't do it. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Seriously, Jordan? Are you seriously fronting?

We have absolutely no street cred whatsoever.

What am I supposed to rap about, my master's degree in fine arts?

- L-I did-l-l-I dropped out of college, so, you know,

I still got that- I still got that-

- You dropped out of Sarah Lawrence College

in Westchester County,

which makes you educated and a lesbian.

- I'm saying-it's just, you gotta twist it, man.

You just gotta- - Oh, you gotta twist it.

- Yeah. - You gotta-you gotta twist it.

- I'm talking about- yeah, you-you do!

Talking about, yo, check it-

♪ Yo, NYC, born and raised ♪

♪ In the playground is where I spent most of my days ♪-

- No, you did not! No, you didn't.

Fresh Prince of Bel-Air? - Hold up, hold up, hold up.

All right, I ain't finished, I ain't finished:

♪ Yo, all I had was my smarts, and then the liberal arts ♪-

- No! - ♪ Came into my life ♪-

- No, can't- - All right-

- No, because you cannot say the words "liberal arts"

in a rap song. - Fine.

All y'all rappers out there think y'all hard

'cause what y'all been through?

Hey, check it out.

♪ It was Friday night chillin' ♪

♪ On my front lawn ♪

♪ Me and my crew, I had my bathrobe on ♪

♪ Everybody high ♪

♪ Just watched X-Men ♪

♪ Got plenty chicken heads ♪

♪ Ready for sex, men ♪

♪ Busters roll up ♪

♪ They tryin' to talk smack ♪

♪ Don't these niggas know ♪

♪ They fuckin' with Tha Mack? ♪

♪ Dude pulled his nine ♪

♪ I knew homies seen us ♪

♪ He pulled two shots ♪

♪ Somehow my penis got between us ♪

♪ I got shot in the dick ♪

♪ Shot, shot in the dick ♪

♪ I got shot in the dick ♪

- ♪ But his dick's still standing ♪

- ♪ Shot in the dick ♪

♪ Shot, shot in the dick ♪

♪ I got shot in the dick ♪

- ♪ But his dick's still standing ♪

- ♪ Went back to my palace fast ♪

♪ Now I'm the dude walking 'round with a phallus cast ♪

♪ Like Wolverine, I'm trying to be a loner ♪

♪ But they think a nigga got an adamantium boner ♪

♪ What can I say? ♪

♪ They still up on my totem pole ♪

♪ Bitch, get your tongue ring away from the scrotum hole ♪

♪ Don't know why they love it ♪

♪ But it keeps the ladies moistening ♪

♪ Gave half the honeys in the 'hood lead poisoning ♪

- ♪ Shot in the dick, shot, shot in the dick ♪

♪ I got shot in the dick ♪

- ♪ But his dick's still standing ♪

- ♪ Shot in the dick ♪

♪ Shot, shot in the dick ♪

♪ I got shot in the dick ♪

- ♪ But his dick's still standing ♪

- Yo, they shot that fool in the dick!

- Ahh! Gee, fu-man!

Damn, that hurts. - What?

- Damn-no, video over, man. Video's over.

- No! - I'm serious, man.

Damn...

- Thank you.

- Thank you very much.

- He's got one. - Yo.

- He's got one. - Check it, check it, check it.

Check it, check it, check it, check it:

♪ Yo, all my boys have my back ♪

♪ While we're playing hacky-sack ♪

- Nope, nope, nope.

Good night, everybody. Safe home, God bless.

- ♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪

- Oh, yeah.

- Dude, I'm gonna- I'm gonna put some weed smoke

in your ear, dog. - It's all right, dude.

I'm gonna take this grenade and toss it

in the fraternity house for no reason at all.