Original subtitles

- Because you're my wife and you love the theater,

and, uh, it's your birthday.

Great.

Unfortunately the orchestra's already filled up,

but they do have seats that are still left

in the dress circle.

So if you want to, uh, me to get them theater tickets right now,

I'ma do it right now.

- What's up, dog?

I'm about five minutes away.

- Yeah, okay. Yeah, cool.

No, they all good singers, they all good singers.

- Yeah, son. Nah, man, I'm telling you, man,

I'm about to cross the street, man.

- No, they got that one dude in it that you love, man.

He gon' be in it, yeah...

- Come on, man, you know I'm almost there, all right?

- Right, no, I'ma pick your ass up at 6:30, then.

- Cool. - Cool.

All right, yeah, yeah, yeah, the parking is, uh,

the parking's free.

Oh, my God, Christian.

I almost totally just got mugged right now.

- Yeah, whoa.

Welcome.

Welcome to the show, everybody.

I am Keegan. - I am Jordan.

- And this is Key & Peele.

Thank you, yes. Thank you.

Jordan and I are- we're biracial.

- Yes, half black, half white.

- And because of that, we find ourselves

particularly adept at lying.

Because on a daily basis we have to adjust our blackness.

- Yes. - You know what I mean?

- Oh, no, there's many reasons we do that.

- Yeah.

- I mean, to terrify white people.

- Yes, that's one of the main reasons.

One of the main reasons, yeah.

- Because, I mean, you know, with the way that we sound,

the way that we actually talk,

we're not intimidating anybody with the way we sound.

- Oh, no, no, no. - We sound very white.

- We sound whiter than the black dude

in the college a cappella group.

- Yes, we sound whiter than Mitt Romney in a snowstorm.

You know what I mean?

But that's just- that's one of-

that's the reason when we're around

other brothers and sisters, you will see us-

you got to just- - You know, you got to

dial it up a little bit.

- You got to dial it up.

Oh, see, you know what I'm talking about, brother.

- Oh, you know I know

what you talking about, right?

- You know I know you know-

- You know I know what you know I know what you talking about.

No doubt, man. No doubt, no doubt, no doubt.

No doubt, no doubt, no doubt,

no doubt, no doubt, no doubt, no doubt.

- Because you never want to be the whitest-sounding

black guy in a room.

- You put five white-talking black guys in the same room,

you come back in a hour, it's gonna be like

Ladysmith Black Mambazo up in there.

- Straight up.

- Hey, hey, hey, all right. - Hey.

- Hi, sweetie, that's for you.

- Hey, Trace. How you doing, girl?

- Check out the house. - Oh, my.

- Girl, I got a sunken tub. You got to see it.

- Oh, I got to see this. - All right.

- You two have a good time now.

- Have fun, have fun.

Dude, I am sorry we're late, man.

- Man, it happens, man.

- And she talk about how we're supposed to be in the car

at 6:45, I'm like, "All right."

- Uh-oh.

- Tell me my dumb ass ain't sitting in the car,

waiting until 7:15. - Nuh-uh.

- Okay, when I track my wife down 20 minutes later,

she's stepping out the damn shower talking about,

"Can I help you?"

- See, that's crazy right there.

- I looked this woman in the eye,

I said...

"Bitch, you told me 6:45."

- You said that?

- Psh, yeah I said...

"Bitch." Then I laid it out.

- But you said, "bitch," though?

- Hmm?

- You said, "bitch"?

- Yeah.

- You got to see the fireplace downstairs in the living room.

- Okay.

- Don't play games, man.

Just tell me what you're going to tell me.

- Exactly, it's like, say what you mean,

mean what you say. - Is that so hard?

- It's like last week, man.

We going out to dinner, right?

I'm like, "where do you want to go?"

She's like, "You decide." - Uh-oh.

- I'm like, "All right, Outback Steakhouse."

She like, "Nah." - Mm-hmm.

- I'm like, "Straight up, Chili's."

She's like, "Ehh." - No, no.

- Darrell, I named seven more restaurants.

- No, Craig, no.

- I finally said, "Taylor's," the place I know

she wants to go in the first place.

- Right, right.

- She look at me, she said,

"If that's where you want to go."

- No, she didn't, Craig. - If that's where I want to go.

Darrell, I looked my woman in the eye sockets.

I told her straight out, I just said it, man, I said it.

I said, I said, I said...

I said, "Bi..." - Hey, guys.

- Hey, girl, how you doing? - Oh, how you doing?

- You having a good time?

- You seen the bedroom? - Just looking at the wood.

- That washing machine is huge. - Up on the ceiling here.

- You get a whole bunch of clothes in that washing machine.

- Hey, baby, I'm going to take her back up to the kitchen

and show her the dishwasher.

- Darrell? - Yeah, baby?

- I want a kitchen island just like the one upstairs.

- You gonna get it too.

- I love you.

- I said, "Bitch, if you wanted to go to Taylor's,

just tell a brother you want to go to Taylor's!"

Okay? - You said that?

- Oh, hell yeah, man. I laid it out, right?

I says-I says-I says...

I said, "Bitch, I'm the man of the house."

- You said, "bitch," though?

- Hmm?

- You called your wife a bitch?

- Uh-huh, yeah.

- Craig. - Darrell.

- Where are those guys?

- I don't know. Let's go...

- So she's like, "why don't you rent a movie

we both like?" - No, she didn't.

- After I spent 25 minutes in the goddamn Blockbuster.

Craig, I looked this woman in her optic stems, and I says-

I said...

I says, "Bitch."

- You said that?

- Ain't nothing but a thing.

- But you said, "bitch," though?

- Yep. - See...

- Oh, sh-

Hey, honey, Craig's just giving me the neighborhood tour.

- So then she's like, "I didn't know we'd be doing

so much walking." - Nuh-uh.

- I'm like, "I didn't tell you to wear those shoes."

She said, "Don't raise your voice at me."

- What?

- Dar-rell, I looked this woman

dead in the windows of her soul.

- Mm-hmm. - I said...

I said...

I said, "Bitch."

- So I'm a huge fan of reality television.

- And I have little use for it.

- Yes.

All right, well, but, no, we agree on one thing.

That reality TV has completely gone bananos.

- Is redink to the hinkulous.

- It is, it is. - Yes.

- It used to be very simple, it used to be just

live in a house and we'll film it,

and then we'll do the same thing next year.

And it was- it was like that for ten years.

- And then all of a sudden it turned into

you can live in the house, but we might kick you out

if you don't run the raw diet food co-op correctly.

- That's right, that's right.

And then it was no house for you.

Live on a beach, starve, and make alliances with each other.

- Right.

When that show happened, that's when it went

to straight up nut burgers crazy town right there.

- All of a sudden it was be a gay man designing things

and get angry at other gay men designing things.

- Or mad lesbians in a kitchen.

- Please install a television on my mode of transportation.

- Mm-hmm. Eat a bug, win a car.

- Mm-hmm. Dangerous fishing.

- Or you've always been poor, but now you have a pool table.

- Or you have a mental illness.

Let us rearrange your furniture for you.

- Drew, come forward.

- Yes, Chef.

This is a chicken quiche with crimini mushrooms,

baby spinach, and feta cheese.

- Unbelievable.

Well, Drew, I have a huge problem with this dish.

It's that you haven't made it

for me sooner.

- Thank you, Chef.

- Because, if you had, Drew, then I would know

how good you are at cooking food that's bad.

- I'm sorry, Chef.

- And when I say, "bad,"

I mean, Michael Jackson Bad.

- Thank you, Chef.

- You know how he looked really, really bad

at the end of his life?

- Chef, I'm sorry.

I don't know if you like the dish or not.

- You don't know if I like the dish or not?

Well, let's put it this way-

Pack your fucking knives, get out, you're off the show.

- Sorry, Chef.

- Because you should be working

in the finest restaurant in the world.

- Thank you, Chef.

- Just not any world that I live in.

- Sorry, Chef.

- Because, frankly, Drew, I'm jealous of you.

- Thank you, Chef.

- And your ability to not give a shit

about what you cook.

This is not fit for human consumption.

No, this should be eaten by a higher life-form

with a more complex palate, but also an altruistic drive

to save humanity from dishes like this.

Joking. Not! You deserve to die!

Aah!

So you won't have to endure a life in which you will

never exceed what you have achieved here today.

- Thank you, Chef.

- In conclusion... eh.

- Lil Wayne, y'all.

Tha Carter. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'm coming to y'all

straight from Rikers penitentiary, bitch.

You heard, man?

Hey, yo, man-

haters out there think I'm playing,

think I'm some kind of joke, man.

Young money.

Check this out right here, man.

I'm the baddest motherfucker

on this whole prison here, bitch, you heard?

Check it out, let's go, I'm the baddest dude-

aah!

- What can I say about ancestry. Com?

My adventure began when I received a leaf

pointing me in the direction of my great grandfather,

who was a pilot with the flying aces in World War I.

- On my mother's side, I found an aunt who traced

her lineage all the way back to Thomas Jefferson.

- I was able to trace my bloodline back to nobles,

and even a king.

- I discovered I'm a direct descendent of Erik the Red.

- After only a couple of hours on ancestry. Com,

I was able to trace my family line

all the way back to none other than our third president,

Thomas Jefferson.

- Marie Antoinette.

- Thomas Jefferson. - Aristotle.

- Thomas Jefferson. - Alexander the Great.

- Thomas motherfucking Jefferson.

- Join ancestry.com and begin a one-of-a-kind journey

into your unique past.

Because you never know where your story begins.

- Thomas Jefferson.

- So Jordan does not drive,

which I think is completely crazy.

- That's true. I can explain.

I'm from New York originally, first of all, so that-

yeah, we don't drive. We don't drive in New York.

- And I'm from the polar opposite.

I'm from the motor city.

I'm from Detroit, and so you have to drive

or you get stabbed. - Yeah, so...

but that's just it. You just landed on it.

That's why I don't drive.

Is because people go crazy, man.

People turn into Mr. Hyde.

- See, that is not true that everybody

who gets behind the wheel of a car flips out.

- You do. - No, I don't.

I do not. When have I done that?

- When that one lady cut us off that one time.

- Okay. - My man goes into top speed-

- I did. - You started swerving

in between vehicles. - It's true.

I did- I swung between- - He had to catch up with her.

- You're right, you're right.

- And when we caught up with her,

my man rolls down his window. What did you yell at her?

- I said, "Selfish!" - "Selfish."

- "You are selfish!"

- And please, no, you have to understand-

you have to understand.

That's the nicest guy in the world, right here, okay?

To him, "selfish," that's the "C" word.

- It is.

- I love that that is your version of road rage,

by the way.

- So you think if you got a driver's license,

that you would just flip out.

- No, that's other people.

L-I don't drive because I smoke weed

and I don't want to kill anybody.

- Oh, okay. Okay.

Well, Jordan, you could always just stop smoking weed.

- I'm sorry. What'd you say?

I'm high right now.

- I'm telling you, it's totally legal.

These doctors, they'll prescribe

medical marijuana to anyone, man.

- What do I tell them I need it for?

- It doesn't matter.

They want to give you a prescription.

It's how they get paid.

Just make something up.

- Hey, Mr. Washington, welcome.

- Hey, doctor.

- All right, I'm going to ask you a couple questions,

and then we're- - AIDS.

- What? - AIDS.

- AIDS? As in, uh-

- As in I got it, need lots of weed to get rid of it.

- Oh, okay, AIDS.

Um, wow.

All right, are you sure you're not suffering

from anything else like, you know, back pain?

- Nope. - Anxiety?

- Cool as a cucumber. - How about insomnia?

- Sleep like a baby... with AIDS.

- Okay, Mr. Washington.

Let's just slow your roll for a second here.

If you had AIDS, then I would have to verify it

by seeing test results.

Whereas if you have back pain or anxiety or anything else

that I can't test for, then I can give you

this prescription for cannabis right now.

- Oh. - Understand?

- Oh, I see, I get it. - Awesome.

- My bad. - Good, good, good.

- Okay, so- - Leprosy.

- No, no.

Because if you had leprosy,

I'd have to quarantine you.

- Ouch. - What are you-no.

Okay, I see your finger's falling off.

No, don't do that, though. That's not going to work.

- Scurvy. - Nope.

- Rickets. - What? No.

- Consumption. - No, Mr. Washington.

Something from this century.

- Schizophrenia.

You don't have schizophrenia.

Yes, you do. - Keep it simple.

Please.

What the hell is that? I don't know what that is.

- There's a fish hook in my lip.

- Just pick something off this list.

- I can't reach it. - Why not?

- Paralyzed.

- Does your face hurt, Mr. Washington?

- Yeah.

- Then this should help.

- Lil Wayne, y'all.

Young money.

Y'all need to watch your back, you heard?

That's right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because I'm coming for y'all, you know?

What's up, man? I run this, y'all.

In fact, yo, let's go.

I'm the baddest-

where you going, man? Where you going?

Hey, man, where you going? You ain't got to go-

Okay, I see.

Pick on the little guy, huh? Punks.

Aah!

This little ironic motherfucker right here.

- So I had this friend in grade school,

and we were really tight.

And then we grew up and we went to different high schools,

and we lost touch with each other.

And, uh, yeah, it's already funny.

And so he said to me-

he calls me out of the blue one day.

- This is my jam.

- And we're talking on the phone,

and he's asking me about this girl in my high school.

And he says, "So, man, what you think of that girl?"

And so I told him what I thought, I told him the truth,

and I said, "Oh, dog, man, my girl is not attractive.

"My girl is, like, rough in this area, you know?

My girl is straight hit," you know?

"Nice enough girl, but she is ugly," you know?

And my man goes like this.

My man goes like this. He says-

he says, "Ah, dog, that's my girlfriend."

- And so I literally go like this. I go...

"Brother, you know I'm playing."

"She fine as hell."

- I don't think we should be doing this right now, man.

Young money.

You know what I mean?

There's a time and a place-

you know what I'm saying, man?

Man, I ain't scared, yo.

- Good evening, my fellow Americans.

Now, before I begin, I just want to say

that I know a lot of people out there seem to think

that I don't get angry.

Well, that's just not true.

I get angry a lot.

It's just that the way I express passion

is different from most.

So just so there's no more confusion,

we've hired Luther here to be my anger translator.

Luther? - Hi.

- First off, concerning the recent developments

in the middle-eastern region, I just want to reiterate

our unflinching support for all people

and their right to a democratic process.

- Hey, all y'all dictators out there,

keep messing around and see what happens.

Just see what happens. Watch.

- Also, to the governments of Iran and North Korea,

we once again urge you to discontinue

your uranium enrichment program.

- Hey, Mahmoud? Kim Jong?

I think I already done told both y'all,

86 your shit, bitches,

or I'm going to come over there and do it for y'all.

Please test me and see what happens.

- On the domestic front, I just want to say to my critics,

I hear your voices and I'm aware of your concerns.

- So maybe if you could chill the hell out

for, like, a second, then maybe I could focus

on some shit, you know?

- And that goes for everybody,

including members of the Tea Party.

- Oh, don't even get me started on these motherfuckers

right here.

- I want to assure you that we will be looking

for new compromises with the GOP in the months ahead.

- And you know these motherfuckers gonna say no

before I even suggest some shit.

- Now I know a lot of folks say that I haven't done a good job

at communicating my accomplishments to the public.

- Because y'all motherfuckers don't listen!

- Uh, since being in office,

we've created 3 million new jobs.

- 3 million new jobs.

- We ended the war in Iraq. - Ended a war, y'all.

We ended a war, remember that?

- These achievements should serve as a reminder

that I am on your side.

- I am not a Muslim!

- And that my intentions, as your president,

are coming from the right place.

- They coming from Hawaii, which is where I'm from,

which is in the United States of America, y'all.

Okay? This is ridiculous.

I have a birth certificate! I have a birth certificate!

I have a hot, diggity-doggity,

mamase mamasa mamakusa, birth certificate,

you dumbass crackers!

- Okay, Luther. Rope it in.

- Yeah, dial it back, Luther. Damn.

- In conclusion, last night I had

a conversation with Michelle.

- I says, "Bitch."

- Nope, I did not say that.

I did not say that.

- So, uh, we are going to be saying good night right now,

but before we do, I just want say that we are-

I do think we're lucky.

In the lottery of life, I think we are lucky

to have gotten the best quality of both races.

- I think so too. - That we are a part of.

No, it is. - I think so too.

- No, because I know there are two dudes

out there somewhere right now with little dicks

and sickle cell. - Yeah, it's true.

Good night. - Thank you.

- ♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪

- Oh, yeah.

- When did Asian guys become fucking cool?

I don't understand that.

Y'all stole break dancing. - When did that happen?

I just figured you would know-

you don't know the answer? - It's not fair.

- They just straight up stole it.

- "Y'all been trying to perfect this art?" Backflips.