Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language

- # Oh, Mandy, well, you came and you gave without taking

# But I sent you away

# Oh, Mandy

# Well, you kissed me and stopped me from shaking

# And I need you today, oh, Mandy. #

- What are you up to at the moment, Mandy?

- Eh? Spinning in this chair.

- No, I mean for a job.

You can't just lounge around in here all day.

- I thought you liked my company, Lol.

- I do, of course!

But I just think you're wasting your time.

- No-one will employ me, Lol.

I've tried everything.

- Why don't you be an air stewardess, Mandy?

Apparently, they are desperate for people to train

as cabin crew at the moment.

- Is that so? - Yes, and you only have to be tall.

- How tall do you have to be, just out of interest?

- 5'8.

And they are very strict.

They will overlook everything else - criminal record,

social media cancellation, perversions of all kinds -

but if you are under 5'8 by just a millimetre, you are out.

They test it with lasers.

What a wonderful life - swanning around the globe,

serving people drinks in little cans.

Why don't you do it, Mandy?

- I'm probably not tall enough.

- You are very tall. Look at you.

- No, I'm not. I'm not 5'8.

- You are! Look at you! - No, I'm not.

I'm not. It's my boots.

They just make me look taller.

- Really? - Yeah.

Look, I'll show you.

- Oh, my God, Mandy! I had no idea!

- I know. It's such a shame.

I'd love to have been an air hostess.

- You can do it, Mandy.

There's an operation to make your legs longer.

My uncle Finbar got it done so he could be a shelf stacker.

- Give over! - It's true.

They insert a piece of cartilage into your shin bone

and Bob is your cousin.

- It sounds expensive. I doubt you can get it done on the NHS.

- Student doctors always need people to train on,

so it's probably cheaper, but...

- BELL TINKLES

- ..it will take much longer to heal.

- Are you sure you want to do this?

- Yeah, I just need an extra foot and a half inserted into me.

- Said the actress to the bishop!

- THEY LAUGH

You are a real doctor, aren't you?

- Yeah, of course.

Well, nearly. I just need to practise on a few more people.

- SHE GULPS

- You know you have to keep these magnetic callipers on

for six months afterwards? - Why are they magnetic?

- You specified on the form you'd like the cheaper magnetic ones.

OK, nurse, get the circular saw going.

- SAW WHIRS

- Let's get slicing!

- # Mandy, fly me away... #

- Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to flight 3542 to Dundee.

We're at cruising height now, and the captain's just turned off

the seat belt signs.

But please take care to listen to any safety instructions,

and make sure any luggage is safely secured underneath your seat.

My colleague and I will shortly be making our way down the plane

with a selection of food, drinks, scratchcards,

Elizabeth Arden eight-hour cream, and nuts.

- Let me know if you need to rest your legs.

- Oh, thanks, Kenny.

- I thought the callipers were coming off this week.

- The doctor said I have to keep them on a bit longer,

cos me legs keep buckling underneath me.

- Do you know, I'm amazed the airline have allowed you on.

They're so strict on appearance.

- I know, but I said I'd take them to the European Court of Human Rights

if they threatened to sack me. - Oh, good for you.

- I'll start with the passengers at the back.

They're more my sort of people.

Oh...

Sorry about that. Me callipers are magnetic.

They were the only ones I could afford.

METAL CLANKS AGAINST CALLIPERS

Was it you that wanted the Prosecco?

- Yes, thank you. - Here you go.

There, enjoy that.

Oh, that needs to be up.

Scratchcards?

Scratchcard, anyone?

Scratchcards?

Scratch... Oh, God.

Scratchcards? Scratchcards?

You could win the holiday of a lifetime.

- I'm on the holiday of a lifetime now, actually.

- Not in economy, you're not.

Yours, I believe.

Where are you off?

- I just need to pop to the lavatory.

- Well, it's £6.50 if you'd like to use the lav.

- £6.50? Really?

- No, I'm having a laugh. They're free.

They're just down there on the right.

I'd leave it ten minutes, though,

cos the woman in row F just came out

and now they're a fucking disgrace!

Scratchcards?

Scratchcard, anyone?

THUNDER RUMBLES

Scratchcard?

Scratchcards?

Oh, what's this?

"Say nothing. I have a gun and a bomb.

"Take me to the choc pit."

What's the choc pit?

- Cock! Cock!

I couldn't find a "cock" anywhere.

They tend not to print it much in newspaper headlines.

- Oh, my gosh!

- Let's go. The cockpit, now.

Fuck!

- The autopilot's still engaged, isn't it, Number Two?

- Er, yeah, Captain, I think so.

- KNOCK ON DOOR

- Oh...

I'll get it.

Ah, good, our coffees! - Mm!

- Stay where you are. I'm now in charge of this aircraft.

There's a bomb on board. - Oh, my God!

ON INTERCOM: - ..and unless £1 million is transferred

into my bank account, by BACS or CHAPS, then I'll detonate it.

- I'm sure that's normal. I'm sure that's...

- How did you get a bomb on board the plane?

- I suppose you could say...

..I had to wing it!

- Is it on the wing?

ON INTERCOM: - Yes! Yes, it's on the wing! Get out.

I don't want you hearing my bank account details.

Or anyone else, for that matter.

- INSTRUMENTS BEEP

Kenny, there's a bomb on the wing!

- I know. We heard.

- Well, I've had a good life.

You know, I got to fly on a plane and...

Well, I've had some lovely hot dinners.

- You're lucky, Mandy.

You've experienced some things, you know?

You've lived life.

This is the first time I've ever left Billericay.

Oh, Mandy, what am I going to...?

Mandy?

Mandy!

- They just can't get that sort of money together in an hour!

- You expect me to believe that?

A million's loose change to an airline.

They need to transfer it now.

And no tricks.

Because when I get jumpy...

..I start to get twitchy.

- OK. What was that sort code again?

- Erm...

- HE TUTS

- Oh, God.

Er, er, 20... - Mm-hm?

- ..13...

..31.

- CALLIPERS CLANK HEAVILY

SHE SCREAMS

- Oh...

Oh, God bless her.

She was so brave.

And she never even lived to see her new legs.

We'll never forget you, Mandy.

- Excuse me.

I can't seem to get Jumanji to play.

- Oh, you've just paused it, I think.

Oh, you silly sausage! - Oh, thanks.

- You're welcome.

Scratchcards - any scratchcards?

- PHONE PINGS - They say they've transferred it.

- Er...

No, I can't see it in my bank account.

- Have you tried Pending Transactions?

- Do you get signal up here?

- Er, yeah, two bars but it's enough.

- DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

- So go to Account, Current Account,

Recent Transactions... - Mm-hm.

- ..Pending Transactions. - Erm...

- PHONE PINGS

- Oh.

It's a text from the bank. - Oh!

- "We have detected suspicious activity on your account

"and blocked it. Please call us on..."

Fuck me!

I did tell them I was doing this.

- Oi, dickhead, I've kicked your bomb off the wing.

- Bullshit. I don't believe you.

It's bomb o'clock.

Goodbye, world!

- DETONATOR BEEPS

DETONATOR BEEPS REPEATEDLY

- Fuck's sake!

I'll just have to finish you off the old-fashioned way...

Starting with you.

- SHE SCREAMS

Fucking hell, I've shot him.

- Fuck. - Oh, yeah.

- Should have bought a scratchcard, mate.

You could have been a millionaire by now.

ALARM BEEPS

Is everything all right?

Do you want me to go back to serving coffees?

- Bloody Nora, that bullet has severed the hydraulic control unit.

We don't have any brakes.

We can land the plane,

but there's no way of stopping it.

We'll crash into the airport.

- Ground Control. This is flight 3-5-4-2.

Prepare for crash landing.

Prepare for crash landing.

- Wait, I've got an idea.

No, it's gone.

Oh, well.

No, it's back again.

You land the plane, and I'll stop it.

Which way to the wheels? - Back through that hatch?

- If I don't make it back,

remember my name.

Mandy Carter.

- We're coming in fast. Clear the runway.

Clear the airport, our brakes have failed.

Repeat, our brakes have failed. We are going to crash.

Even if we can get this thing down,

we're going so fast we won't stop until the long-stay car park.

Best-case scenario, we'll be taking a bus back to the terminal.

And they're only every 15 minutes.

- For God's sake, wait!

Oh, God, what are you doing?

Oh, shit, brace, brace!

- COMPUTER: Brakes not responding.

Critical, brakes not responding.

Brakes not responding.

- We're down.

I hope she's done...

- Hydraulic failure.

- ..whatever it was she was going to do. - What was her name again?

We're slowing.

We're slowing!

I don't know how...

..but she's done it.

- She's done it.

Mandy's done it!

Mandy!

- ALL: Mandy! Mandy!

Mandy! Mandy!

- Thank God.

Mandy?

Mandy!

- God bless you.

Mary, was it?

- Her name was Mandy Carter

and she's just saved the lives of you

and everyone else on this goddamn plane.

Thank you, Mandy,

wherever you are.

- SHOP DOORBELL RINGS

I think I've won a tenner on a scratchcard.

- It's better than that. You've got six planes.

You have won the holiday of a lifetime.

First-class flight to New York!

- Oh, fuck that, I'm staying here.

I'm going nowhere.

- # Come fly with me

# Let's fly, let's fly away

# If you can use some exotic booze

# There's a bar in far Bombay

# Come on and fly with me

# Let's fly, let's fly away

# Come fly with me

# Let's float down to Peru... #