All language subtitles for I.Used.To.Be.Funny.2023.720p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-FLUX.Hi

♪

[crowd laughing and chattering]

♪

[crowd applauding]

♪

MC: So, please, put
your hands together

for the great Sam Cowell!

[crowd applauding]

♪

Hello...

[audio fading into distortion]

Male news anchor: It's gonna
be beautiful sunny day today.

And we can expect much more of
the same over the next few days

if you want to do some of
those outdoor activities

you've been saving up.

And in business,
the stock market

fell through the floor today.

No one seems to have predicted
this, so it's hard to know...

Female news anchor: And there
was another drive-by shooting

today downtown, it appears
to be gang-related,

but there are no suspects...

[Woman singing]: ♪ Come on
down to Charlie's Jewellery ♪

♪ I'll help you find...

Female news anchor: The newest
update to the Renner case

is that Brooke
Renner, a 14-year-old,

has been missing since Thursday.

The teen's aunt filed a missing
person's report two days ago.

Brooke hasn't been seen...

[audio fading into static]

♪

No foul play is suspected
in the teen's disappearance.

The family is concerned
for her well-being.

- So if you have any
information - Paige?

- On Brooke's whereabouts...
- Paige: What is it?!

- It's Brooke.
- Paige: Is she here again?

[footsteps approaching]

call local police, or the
number you see on the screen.

Why are you sopping
on the couch?

The news of Brooke's
disappearance

was widely circulated
on social media,

perhaps because of last year's
case involving police...

Okay. Oh, just mute
that, and then...

How long has she been missing?

It just said four days.

Well, I think you need to tell
somebody that you saw her.

Like, Jill?

No, like, the
fucking... police.

Even though ACAB, obviously.

Why don't you go get
dressed, and I can call.

They'll probably put me on
hold for a while anyway.

- Yeah.
- Cause, you know,

like, bureaucracy and all that.

Right, yeah. Red tape. Um...

Yeah, yeah. Go... Go lay down.

- Okay.
- Go.

Thanks. Um, I'm gonna go...

lie down in my towel.

Good job for washing your body!

Sam: Thank you.

♪

[glass smashing]

♪

Paige: Hey, yeah, is
this the tip line?

Um, yeah, this is
about Brooke Renner.

Um, my roommate saw her
like, three days ago.

When would she have to come in?

[doorbell ringing]

[doorbell ringing repeatedly]

Coming!

- [doorbell ringing]
- [pounding at door]

Hold on! Jeez.

[glass smashing]

[breathing heavily]

Oh my God, what the fuck?!

Brooke: I know you're in
there, you fuck! Come out!

Sam: Oh my God, Brooke!

Did you just throw
that through my window?

And did you just call me
a fuck? You need to leave!

Where the fuck am I
supposed to go, Sam?

To your aunt's house. And stop
swearing, it doesn't sound cool.

Brooke: Okay, I can
do whatever I want.

Yes, I know, Brooke.

You've made that
abundantly clear.

- How did you get downtown?
- I took the bus.

- You on the bus?
- I got a ride, all right?

Please leave. And
take an Uber home.

I just wanna know why you lied!

I'm not doing this
with you today.

Brooke: Fuck you,
Sam! Fuck you!

Are you drunk?

[breathing heavily]

Fuck.

Man: Dinner's ready!

[dishes rattling]

Thanks for cooking
again, Philip.

It's just Ragu.

- It's still food.
- Yeah.

Technically... it's not,

but you're welcome anyway.

So, um...

What are you gonna
do about Brooke?

I'm not sure.

Just say that she
broke our window

in your statement
tomorrow, and, you know,

we'll ask her aunt
to pay for it.

And, you know, she'll
go home on her own.

She's just being 15, like
the Taylor Swift song.

- She's 14.
- Yeah, even worse.

Yeah, I know, it's like, when
your boobs are the weirdest,

you're wearing bad halter
tops, it's a nightmare.

Philip: I'm sure it's
gonna be fine though.

Hasn't she done this
like, a few times?

Yeah, I mean,

she's probably loving the
missing person posters.

They used a selfie,
she looks great.

You can't say she looks
great, babe, she's missing.

I mean, it's not,
like, out of character

for her to do this
for attention,

but like, I'm still worried.

Well, you're not getting paid
to worry about her anymore.

I'm worried that you're
still not leaving the house.

- Okay, I showered toady.
- Oh.

- Oh my God.
- I did!

- Philip: You did!
- I did.

Yeah.

And I almost went to
your show last night.

Okay, but you didn't, so I
just sat there all night.

- Lonely Paige.
- What?

You bring home strange girls
from Comedy Bar all the time.

I mean, lesbian sex, there's
like, a less than 1% chance

of catching an STI,
so... it's not risky.

[sing-song] ♪ That's not true

[laughing] That's
dangerous misinformation.

You know what I'm
talking about though!

It's not like... lesbians, you're
never bringing home a stranger,

everyone is like, someone's
ex, someone's dog walker,

you know, someone's
friend twice removed.

Yeah, okay, that's
true. That is gay math.

Mmm. Speaking of exes,

I did see Noah last night,

and he said he was trying
to call you again...

Paige.

Seriously, let's talk
about anything else.

You were saying that
you have an STI?

[laughing] That's not
at all what I said.

Yeah, you were
confessing to us...

I said it's impossible
for me to catch them.

- Sam: Oh!
- Oh, we got it wrong.

Okay, what year do you think
everyone in the world has HPV?

- Soon, I hope.
- [Philip laughing]

What do you mean? What do
you mean by "you hope"?

Just, kind of, something to
talk about... with people.

[Philip and Paige laughing]

Well, you also, by the way,

didn't miss truly
anything last night.

- Alicia...
- [Paige groaning]

I know, is still doing that,
like, "Pick me up, daddy,"

- that, like, "daddy" bit.
- [in a baby voice] Daddy.

She says "daddy"
a bunch of times.

Please say she retired
the jean shorts

over the top of the tights look.

Okay, she did. But,
sort of a twist,

she added some
really bizarre hats.

- Yes. [laughing]
- So it's hard to tell

if we're sort of winning
or losing with her.

- Sam: Uh, we're losing.
- We're losing.

- It's giving loss.
- [laughing]

It's giving loss,
what she's doing.

- Alicia is giving us loss.
- [laughing]

Officer: Did Brooke tell
you she was intoxicated?

I mean, she didn't tell me she
was drunk, but she was drunk.

What else did she say?

Um, she called me a liar.

You know, small talk.

And was there anything else that
you noticed different about her?

Um, her hair.
She dyed it blue.

Like, this low-key blue.

- Blue hair.
- Yeah, but it wasn't, like,

all blue, it was, like,
dip-dyed, kind of,

so it's like, just
the ends, sort of,

but it was done,
like, really shitty.

She... um, she
dyed it blue. Yeah.

Okay.

Thank you.

Look, uh, I don't
know what you, uh...

I'm really sorry you're
back here, Samantha.

Yeah, me too.

Just get in touch if you
remember anything else.

Okay.

Officer: We all just want
to make sure that Brooke

gets home safe, right?

Okay. [sighing]

- Here.
- Yeah, um, I have one.

♪

Thanks for waiting.

Paige: Were you a
reliable witness?

Yeah. I remember
everything about her,

I can't get her out
of my dumb brain.

Okay, so you did
everything you could,

and it's out of
your dumb hands now.

[engine starting]

Officer [voiceover]:
I'm really sorry

you're back here, Samantha.

[doorknocker clacking]

♪

Okay.

♪

[clacking]

- Samantha.
- Hi! Are you Mrs. Renner?

- Oh, I'm her sister, Jill.
- Oh.

Brooke's favourite
aunt. [chuckling]

Come on in.

You're so short! [chuckles]

Right this way.

[quietly] Orchids?
So psychotic.

- You can have a seat here.
- Oh, thank you.

Cameron, this is Samantha.

- Hi, Samantha.
- Hi.

- I'm Cameron.
- Nice to meet you.

- Um, got your resume here.
- Yes.

Seems, um... Uh...

I've never done this
before. [stammering]

I... I'm Sam.

Um, I was an au pair
for a family in the UK

for two years.

I'm also a comedian.

Oh! I took improv in college.

Oh, yeah. Zip,
zap, zop. Totally.

- Like...
- Yeah!

Yep, love it. Um...

So, I mean, I spend most of my
time with overgrown children.

Why'd you leave?

I'm still doing comedy,
I'm still, like...

- Family in the UK.
- Oh, um...

I just didn't renew my
student visa, so, like,

- paperwork, I guess.
- You're in luck.

The only paperwork you'd
have to fill out here

is permission slips for field
trips and things like that.

Oh, Brooke can't do
her own forgeries yet?

No.

Um...

I also have a fine arts degree.

Um, yeah, I just thought...

Fine arts degree,
feels applicable.

Yeah, you know, art.

Brooke loves to draw.
[clearing throat]

That's great.

Uh, so, here's the situation.

Brooke's mother is very sick.

She's in and out of
hospitals all the time.

I know, I'm really sorry,
the agency told me that's...

Yeah, and I still need
to work quite a bit,

so I would need someone maybe to
stay over a few nights a week.

- We have a guestroom.
- I'd be here more,

but I live an hour out,
and with two kids and work,

it's... it's a lot with
the hospital visits.

- Totally, yeah.
- As you can imagine,

the amount of change in a young
girl's life has made Brooke...

a little difficult.

Of course. I mean, that's
a teenager's job, right?

[chuckling]

That's a joke?

Yeah... I hope.

Brooke, can you come out please?

Brooke: No thank you.
I don't want a nanny.

Mom will get better.

I know she will,
sweetie. In the meantime,

can you just come out and
meet Sam here, please?

She's nice.

Oh, thank you.

Hi.

Hi.

Why can't you just stay
home like you used to

- at the beginning?
- Cameron: Brooke, say hi.

If you do, we'll go to the
skate park this weekend.

I promise.

Oh, you skate?

Okay, that's cool.
Very intimidating.

Uh, you know what,
we'll be in the kitchen

if you guys want
ice cream after.

- Cool.
- Okay.

Okay, ice cream. That is
a bribe I can get behind.

Right? They know
what they're doing.

Maybe we trick them, we
go downstairs, we're like,

"Yeah, we're friends!" And
then we get the dessert.

No. I don't need a
nanny, okay? I'm 12.

Sam: Okay, fair, totally.

Why don't we think about
it as being friends?

I'll just be a friend
that's old enough to know

you can't have pizza
for dinner every night

or play with matches
all the time.

And I'll be paid.

I know what you're trying to
do. You're trying to be funny.

- And I'm not being funny?
- No, not really.

Okay, that hurts, but
the fact that you have

high comedic standards
means it's going to be easy

to be friends with you.

You're not like other
nannies, are you?

You're not like
other kids, are you?

Okay, well, if you're
gonna be stuck with me,

what do you wanna do tonight?

I have the new
episode of Riverdale.

I love Riverdale.

[crowd applauding]

Philip: So, basically,
that's why I don't fuck guys

who read books anymore.

[crowd laughing]

- Hey, good to see you.
- Yeah, it's been a while.

Yeah. And probably a lot
healthier and less depressing?

- Yeah, you'd think.
- When are you up?

Oh, no, I'm not on the lineup.

I'm just here for moral support.

Okay, well, you can joke
about literally anything now,

so that's good, right?

What?

Just that you're...

uniquely positioned,
with all the...

topics at your disposal.

[sarcastically] Yeah,
I'm really lucky.

- No, I just mean...
- Tim's just jealous

because you can talk
about your period,

- and he can't talk about his.
- Okay, thank you, Zara.

[in baby voice] Got me.
Sorry, baby made a bad joke.

Okay, I gotta go.

- Philip: Tim Gideon!
- [crowd cheering]

- Thanks.
- Of course, Tim's the worst.

- Oh, horrible.
- Yeah.

I feel like his hair
somehow got more incel-y.

You know what? I don't even
think there's gel in it.

I just think it grows that way.

Sam: Wow, horrible. Heinous.

Zara: Really weird.

What, Tim say something dumb?

Oh, he tried to make a certain
kind of joke. So funny.

- Oh.
- I mean,

Tim's obviously jealous because
he is in no way relevant.

Okay, well, what happened to me
doesn't make me relevant, Paige.

Yeah, I know that.

The fact that you're a
woman makes you relevant.

Exactly. Girlina, bring
some of that girlboss energy

to the lineup tonight.

I have genuinely missed seeing
you be an annoying white woman

- on stage. Genuinely.
- Thank you.

- I have, I have!
- Thank you.

But I gotta go,
because I have a date,

and in his bio, it says
that he's a poet, so...

Oooh!

That will be fun to
torture my parents with.

- Okay, have fun.
- You too. I love you.

- Good to see you.
- Zara, please fuck the poet.

- Fuck the poet!
- Fuck the poet!

- Yes!
- And I'd just say,

- fuck the poet.
- Sam: One more time, yes.

Just for you to fuck the poet.

So?

Uh, all I have is what I
had for my Montreal taping.

It's not really topical
two years later.

Who cares, dude? Tim is still
doing material about Frasier.

Tim: Uh, hands up if we
think Niles eats ass?

[Paige groans]

I just, I'm not ready to
like, take the think pieces

and the subtweets
and port them over

into real-life heckling
and harassment.

Your Montreal set was so good.

I was so mad at you for
getting that taping.

Yeah, well, you
know, you win some,

you lose some lifelong dreams,

and then you watch
your friends and peers

live out those dreams, so...

you don't have to
be mad anymore.

Tim: It's good, it's good...

I feel like your youth pastor
stuff could still work.

Tim: and scrambled eggs!

I mean...

- [crowd applauding]
- You guys,

you are in for a very
special treat tonight.

After a brief hiatus,
the pride of Toronto,

not in the gay way, though,
that was Paige earlier.

[crowd laughing]

- And I guess me now.
- [crowd laughing]

But without further
ado, you guys...

Sam Cowell!

[crowd applauding]

♪

[audio fading into distortion]

♪

Um... that was a
joke, you guys.

I would never give
up my stage time.

Gay men on dating apps will
literally have on their bio,

like, "please, only contact me
if you take care of yourself"

"and love your body."

And then I will literally
see them doing meth

at circuit parties.

[crowd laughing]

♪

Tim [voiceover]: You can joke
about literally anything now,

so that's good, right?

Noah [voiceover]: You're
funny. You are funny!

So, what did you
do at school today?

We talked about a book

I already read last
summer at our cottage.

At the cottage where
you broke the tablet

I got you for your birthday?

Oh, were you annoyed with
how Twilight ended, too?

I'm also team Jacob, I was
like, what is going on?

You're team Jac...
No! I'm Edward.

- You're Edward?
- Yes!

- Sam: Are you kidding me?
- Brooke: Are you kidding me?

Was he the one with the abs?

Both: They both have abs.

I mean, a completely
different kind of abs.

Like, Jacob, it's
a warm, cuddly ab.

You put it in the sleeping
bag, you snuggle up,

you get toasty.
Edward, ice cold abs.

- Cutting steel, killing people.
- With his abs. Okay.

- Yeah.
- That all seems very rehearsed.

Is that you treating us to one
of your stand-up comedy things?

No, those are... those are
usually much less funny.

That was... that was off the cuff
'cause I'm passionate about it.

Okay, what do you
actually tell jokes about?

Yeah, I was reading about
stand-up comedy, and it's...

it says a lot of it is
apparently all about

self-deprecation, you know,
and you're not... ugly.

Not ugly!

You're conventionally
attractive.

I'm just saying she doesn't
have any affliction,

you're not obese, you
don't have a stutter.

- Okay, that's... stop it.
- Was that a joke, Cameron?

I mean, no, it...

Wow, your dad is going
to roast battle me.

Um, no, but actually I
mostly do observational stuff

about men being bad.

It's called political comedy.

It's very trendy. A
lot of women do that.

I also do the
classics, you know?

My period, the mall, skincare.

- [giggling]
- Guys, do I love them?

Do I hate them? I'm
changing my mind.

I'm going crazy!
Where's my tampon?

They shout it back,
they go, "Where is it?!"

The crowd goes nuts.

I'm gonna do it all
at my show tonight.

- A big period show.
- Right,

which is all derivative
of Ruth Buzzi.

- Who is Ruth Buzzi?
- [laughing]

Who is Ruth Buzzi?

So, I realized something today.

I realized I have a
lot more in common

with closeted homophobic
youth pastors than I thought.

[crowd laughing]

Uh, the same way that
they're denouncing gay people

is the same way that I'm
denouncing straight men.

- [crowd laughing]
- Meaning, yes,

very loudly.
Very, very loudly.

I'm going all over town,
I'm preaching, preaching,

I'm tweeting on my phone, "Men
are bad, they're so evil!"

Then I'm going home, I'm
blowing a graphic designer.

[crowd laughing]

Seriously, though, it's like,

we need a Volkswagen level
recall on men in general,

because the airbag
is exploding, okay?

We've got a lot of
choking hazards,

- if you know what I mean.
- [crowd laughing]

Yeah, like, if one
out of every 10 cars

was killing its entire
family and then the next day,

the news was running a photo
of the car on a jet-ski...

[crowd laughing]

would we still sell
them? I don't know.

Even though they're bad,
they're murdering people,

I am having sex with them...

um, as much as possible.

Um, I'm at the bar,
I'm signaling guys

like a Republican senator
signals the male interns.

- [crowd laughing]
- Hell yeah.

I'm like, "Kyle, I need you in
the bathroom for something."

[crowd cheering]

I'm spraying Axe body spray
like smoke signals. I'm like...

- [crowd cheering]
- "Come here."

So, really, who am I to judge
Justin Bieber's youth pastor,

because I want to
fuck Justin too.

[crowd cheering]

Thank you guys so much.

[crowd cheering]

MC [echoing]: That was
Sam Cowell! Keep it going!

Keep it going. Give
it up for Sam Cowell.

Next on the stage...

[cracking]

♪

["Smoke Signals" by
Phoebe Bridgers playing]

[microwave beeping]

♪

[blowing air]

♪ I went with you

♪ Up to the place
you grew up in ♪

♪ We spent a week
in the cold ♪

♪ Just long enough to
Walden it with you ♪

♪ Any longer, it
would have got old ♪

♪ Singing "Ace of
Spades" when Lemmy died ♪

♪ But nothing's changed

♪ LA is all right

♪ I'm sleeping in my bed
again, and getting in my head ♪

♪ And then walk
around the reservoir ♪

Okay.

♪ You...

♪ You must have been
looking for me ♪

♪ Sending smoke signals

♪ Pelicans circling

♪ Burning trash
out on the beach ♪

[bell ringing]

Hi, um, I'm here
for Brooke Renner.

Are you a relative?

She's my nanny. She's late.

I mean, we agreed "nanny" is
kind of an antiquated term,

but, yes.

Are you okay?

I didn't know you
went to Hogwarts.

Sorry, I'm going to
need to see some ID.

Oh, yeah. Sure.

I have... that.

Okay, this is a library card.

Okay, could I say I
know her full name,

her middle name?

Her food... I know
her food allergies.

Could I say that?

Hey.

What happened?

Um, my mom... was
supposed to come home.

But she... she got an
infection last night.

And your dad?

He decided to work if we
couldn't go to the hospital.

Well, it's perfect,

I was on my way to meet
up with my best friends...

- So I ruined your plans?
- No, no, it's...

We were just going
to the movies,

and now you can come with us.

Isn't sci-fi you and
your mom's favourite?

[horn honking]

Brooke: What kind
of car is that?

- I think just old.
- [laughing]

What movie are you seeing?

Uh, an R-rated one that you
probably shouldn't be watching.

Okay.

And I promise I'll take you
to see your mom tomorrow

if she's feeling better.

- I talked to Jill earlier.
- Okay.

So, what kind of snacks
are we thinking for today?

- Everything?
- I don't know.

You don't know?!

Paige and Philip, meet Brooke.

- Hey, Brooke!
- Hey.

We've heard nothing
but good things.

Yeah, right. Sam gets
paid to hang out with me.

No, seriously, um, Sam is
actually really jealous

of your hair, and your
clothes. Whole vibe.

She's, um, profoundly
intimidated by you.

- Kind of pathetic.
- Sure.

No, not pathetic.

Uh, Brooke are you... are you
coming to the movies with us?

Yeah, if that's...
that's all right.

Oh, yeah. Any friend of
Sam's is a friend of ours.

Yeah.

Especially one with
such voluminous hair.

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

[pop music playing]

[knocking at door]

Hey.

I'm gonna go grab a drink
with Noah if you want to come.

Um...

No, I think I'm just gonna...

Yeah, um, didn't go well

when I finally tried to
go out last night, so...

Say hi, though.

Yeah, I'll probably just
lie and say you'll call him.

- Paige.
- Hmm?

Do you think he hates me?

He'd be an asshole
if he hated you.

Yeah, and he's not
an asshole, right?

[sighing]

I mean...

kinda, but like, in a good way.

I like assholes.
We're all assholes.

I'm sorry that I'm not
a fun asshole anymore.

Okay, you were there for me
during the great depression

of 2016, and I will
never forget that.

- I was a nasty woman.
- Yeah, I know,

- but like, after that...
- No.

I don't want to talk about
that. We don't need to.

No, I didn't think that you
were jealous of my taping.

- I shouldn't have said that.
- I was jealous.

And I probably shouldn't
have told you you only got it

'cause you were thin and white.

Okay, so I'm hearing that
and you're saying I'm thin.

You should hear that
you're malnourished.

[giggling]

I mean, I am living
for this, though.

I am loving just seeing
my friend laying down,

all day long, sometimes
microwaving something.

No, I've been very
horizontal lately.

But I'm telling you, I'm
not going to be the one

to drive you to physio
when your muscles atrophy,

so let's turn the beat around.

Fuck, okay.

Yes, move your body.
Chair aerobics.

- Write some jokes?
- Eh...

- Movement.
- How about this?

Yeah, I'll do it again.

Paige: Shit!

Um, I... do cherish you,

and I do have to leave.

Okay. Have fun at the show.

Oh, you know I will have
fun, 'cause you know who

- is on the lineup?
- No, no, no.

- Alicia, baby.
- [baby voice] Daddy!

- Daddy!
- Well, now I'm jealous.

[Paige laughing]

Paige: Oh, Daddy!

♪ Ooh, did you really
think I'd change ♪

♪ Nothing like a good
thing going the wrong way ♪

[sighing]

♪ Ooh

♪ I loved you

♪ The way I wanted to

[laughing]

Are you tweeting already?

- Yes.
- Morning tweets?

Rattling off some
big... killer tweets.

- Oh yeah?
- "My boyfriend's so annoying."

- Excuse me?
- "Stinks and is rude."

- What?
- Boom, viral.

Did you tag me in it at least?

I can't tag you, that's
bad for the brand.

[Noah scoffing] "The brand?"

Yeah, I have to shit
on you, never tag you,

and then a million
girls are gonna comment

"So true, queen."

But they... they
don't even know me!

Well, it's worth it,

'cause look what
I get to look at.

What do you mean?

Like, look what
I get to look at.

And you have to look at me.

My view is... good, too.

But I'm just saying that
the property value of being

in my body is actually
higher than being in yours

because my face
looks out at yours.

- Oh.
- See?

And your face looks out at like,

uh, a vacant lot where
they can't build,

because there used
to be a gas station.

I don't know, I feel like
there's... potential.

I'm seeing, like, an
organic kale co-op.

- Wow.
- They're building a Target.

- Nice.
- A Pilates studio for dogs.

Okay, so, gentrification?

Mm... unfortunately, yes,

but the Pilates studio
is gonna be amazing.

- [laughing] Great.
- Good plan.

Hey, um, you know, I actually
need to check the foundation

- of your property.
- Of mine?

- For a second, yeah.
- Why?

Well, 'cause there's been
some concerns with regards...

- Concerns?!
- Yeah, there's been leaks.

- Leaks?!
- Yeah, soil density issues.

- Oh my God.
- Mmm.

And if you don't mind, a
couple guys from the city

are gonna come down and join me.

- Oh, it'll be a couple?
- Yeah.

But you'll barely
notice we're here, okay?

- Okay.
- Oh.

Don't use your hot
water for a bit.

Okay.

[laughing]

[moaning]

♪ It's gonna take
a bit of work... ♪

♪

Can I get you
anything else, Sam?

Um, do you think this
premise is funny?

It's like, two old-timey dudes,

like, named Victor and Timothy

come up with the term
"victim," so it's like, "vic,"

the "vic" from Victor and
the "tim" from Timothy,

and it's like, "Oh,
you're inserting yourself"

"into that," you know...

Um, yeah, I guess.

It's not your best
work, to be honest.

Yeah, no, it's bad.
Thanks, Jeremy.

Get you another Sapporo?

- Yeah, thanks.
- All right.

- This one's on me, all right.
- Thanks.

Sam?

- Can I talk to you?
- Um, Jill,

I like, asked you not
to come around here.

- I'm trying to work.
- You're working again?

Well, I'm trying to
drink, but, yeah.

- How are you?
- [sighing]

Um, thriving, obviously.

Listen, I just want to know
what you told the police.

Just that I saw her.

Or heard her, she threw
a rock through my window.

[sighing]

She stopped going to school.

Well, probably because she
can't throw rocks at school.

She also, uh,

released her rabbit into
the ravine behind the house.

Sammity?

Maybe she was trying to free it?

She dyed it blue first.

Oh.

She really misses you, Sam.

And it's even worse now because
I had to sell the house.

My sister's house. And
she's just totally uprooted.

I gave all of the
information that I have.

And I really doubt
that she misses me.

I mean, she literally started
a petition on Change.org

to have me arrested, so...

Please, Sam, you know her best.

Did she ever say anything
to you about a Nathan?

Hmm, no. I'm sorry.

I really am.

Come on, please don't
hold this against us.

I'm not holding anything
against you, or against Brooke.

I just... I feel
terrible, okay?

I don't know how I didn't
see the signs, I didn't...

Okay, don't beat
yourself up about it.

The last thing that I want
is a woman blaming herself

for all of this.

That's not what
I'm doing! Please.

All I see is Brooke's mother's
face every time I look at her.

Okay, and all I see
is her father, so...

♪

[sighing]

[Brooke sobbing]

Fucking keys...

Oh my God.

Oh, fuck!

♪

Brooke?

Brooke, I'm here!

[Brooke sobbing]

Brooke?

Oh my God. Brooke.

- Oh.
- [sobbing]

Brooke: She's gone.

She died. I can't
believe she died.

I'm so sorry, Brooke.
I'm... I'm here.

- I'm here.
- She left me.

[sobbing]

♪

♪

♪

[glass clinking]

Cameron?

♪

Um, Cameron?

Brooke's asleep. I'm gonna go.

I don't know how to do this.

What do I say to her?

Can you stay, please?

Tell a joke or something.

I... I don't...

I don't know if this is
the time for it, I'm sorry.

[sobbing]

I'm gonna be here
first thing tomorrow.

I'm gonna have all my
Twilight jokes, I promise.

[sobbing]

I'm so sorry.

[sniffling]

["Half Return" by
Adrianne Lenker playing]

♪ Shadow, shadow,
what a show ♪

♪ Every other step there's
a cross-eyed crow ♪

♪ Half return, half return ♪

♪ Minneapolis,
soft white snow ♪

♪ Thirty-five
bridge, hometown ♪

♪ Half return, half return ♪

♪ Standing in the yard,
dressed like a kid ♪

♪ The house is white
and the lawn is dead ♪

♪ The lawn is dead,
the lawn is dead ♪

♪ Illinois toll
road, Indiana plain ♪

♪ Roll the windows down,
shoot out the change ♪

♪ Half return, half return ♪

♪ Honey in your mouth
when you didn't even eat ♪

♪ Tears in your eyes when
you pull it like a chain ♪

♪ Half return, half return ♪

♪ Standing in the yard,
dressed like a kid ♪

♪ The house is white
and the lawn is dead ♪

"Breann Smordin".

♪ The lawn is dead,
the lawn is dead ♪

"We keep moving in
the same circles,

in the same way that
neurons circle atoms.

We must become
straight lines."

Okay.

[sighing]

♪ Half return, half return ♪

♪ Dusty swing set,
plastic slide ♪

♪ Push me up and down,
take me for a ride ♪

♪ Standing in the yard,
dressed like a kid ♪

♪ The house is white
and the lawn is dead ♪

♪ The lawn is dead,
the lawn is dead ♪

♪

How's she doing since
she's been back at school?

I let her get social
media, but I don't know.

It's cute that you think it's
all just called "social media."

I mean, she's taken on this
very "cool teen" attitude

to make it seem like she
doesn't care about anything,

but I know how to deal with that
particular defence mechanism,

so we're figuring it out.

I'm glad she has you
to talk to right now.

Sam: Yeah, Cameron does not
really know what to say.

He's always kind of needed a
buffer between him and Brooke.

Yeah, like a
translator of girls?

Yeah, actually, that's...
a great way to put it.

Yeah, I mean, I think he
thinks I'm like, interesting

or like, endearingly
weird or something,

but I don't think he's
ever talked to a woman

in a hoody before.

Well, he always
loved Laura's class.

Oh, are you calling
me not classy, Jill?

No! That's... No,
I'm not. [chuckling]

No, I just... I just meant

that I think he
always liked our...

you know, our family
friends, and fancy dinners,

and vacations, and he just
liked Laura's life, you know?

She always made
things so beautiful.

You're both super classy
broads. That's for sure.

Thanks, Sam.

I just really fucking
miss her so much.

Yeah.

- Can we see the birds now?
- Yep, the birds.

I know, we're gonna go
look at the birds. Come on.

Hey, are those those weird
white ones with the pink eyes?

They're Netherland
dwarf rabbits.

You like them?

I mean, I wouldn't
mind having one.

- You'd have to ask your dad.
- He won't care.

He says yes to everything
ever since mom.

You know, I could
name one after you.

Okay. Tempting.

This one does
kinda look like me.

I see it. I feel it.

- It's the energy.
- It is.

- And the cuteness.
- Brooke: Oh, of course.

It just has "Sam"
written all over it.

Sam: Yes.

So, what are you thinking
of getting your dad

for his birthday?

A coupon for doing my chores?

You have a housekeeper, Brooke.

You know, it's gonna
be the first year

that he's celebrating
without your mom.

He likes history books, like,

the War of 1812 and all that.

Okay, you're right.
Your dad is boring.

The good news is, there's
a very cool used bookstore

- by my house.
- Could we go tonight?

Oh, I can't tonight, 'cause I'm
supposed to hang out with Paige.

- I could come.
- Well, I mean,

you're not really allowed
where we're going.

Why?

Well, because it's a comedy
club and you're a child, so...

Wait, you don't tell any
jokes about me, do you?

No! Never. Scout's
honour. I promise.

Okay.

- You gonna hurry up?
- Okay, safety first.

- Oh, okay.
- Just locking in.

We're on, we're ready to go!

You know, I am working on some
material about teens in general.

- Oh?
- Yes.

How it's no fair that Gen-Z
already knows about, like,

skin serums and stuff,
so they're just gonna

rule the world with their
poreless skin forever.

Okay, you know,
your skin is fine.

Fine? Very generous,
thank you. Wow, "fine."

What's the most embarrassing
thing that's happened to you

- with a boy?
- Ooh.

- Oh, sounds like there's a lot.
- There's a lot.

Um, okay,

one time I pissed myself
in my boyfriend's car.

You peed yourself...
with Noah?

No, not with Noah! My
ex from junior high.

- Dylan - Oh.

I was wearing light pink jeans,

I was at a party, everybody saw.

And that, young Brooke, is why
you should never experiment

with alcohol or pastel denim

until your bladder fully
develops at age 18.

Alcohol smells gross anyway.

Brooke, listen to me, one
day, probably very soon,

you're going to be offered
multiple coolers of some kind,

and they are going to taste
like lemonade, gummy bears,

and no matter how good they
taste, you can only have one.

Okay... Jesus.

Okay, 'cause otherwise you're
gonna be peeing your pink jeans.

- I don't have pink jeans!
- Sam: Okay.

You're gonna be peeing
your cool mom jeans.

Brooke: Okay.

[sighing]

♪

Alicia: And so in the bedroom,
he makes me call him Daddy.

♪ ...In between

♪ Stuck in shoulder
to shoulder... ♪

♪ Only strangers make
me feel strange ♪

Sam?

Noah!

- Hey.
- Hey.

I haven't seen you
here in like, a year.

Are you... are you
doing shows again?

Oh, uh, no. I'm just here
watching Paige and Philip.

How are you? Are
you... Are you, uh...

Are you writing? Or...

Um, I mean, like, not really.

I have, like, one joke
about online shopping.

Great. Nice.

I love your shopping
stuff. It was always, uh...

uh, cerebral.

- Cerebral?
- Yeah.

Wow. Thank you.

Um, that's very generous.

Um, yeah, I mean, it's
all I can write about,

'cause I basically just sit
at home, open a hundred tabs,

and then buy a bunch of t-shirts
with money I don't have, so.

Oh.

I can go back to helping
with rent if that...

- Oh, my God. No.
- Would help.

- Um. That was a joke.
- Oh. Ha!

Okay, yeah. I mean...

I'm not gonna make you pay
rent. I kicked you out.

No, that's... It's not...

"Kicked me out,"
that's... Come on.

Let me do something.

You know, I'm feeling
more useless than usual,

which is hard for a comedian.

Yeah, it must be
really hard for you.

[laughing]

You know what I mean.

Yeah, I know, but, um...

Paige and Philip are
both pitching in on rent,

and they're, like,
ridiculously good at pretending

that I'm pulling my weight
as a roommate, so...

Hm.

I thought you, um...

I thought you needed time alone.

I... I am alone. I'm...
I'm alone with them.

Yeah, I'm sorry. That's...
I shouldn't have.

No, it's okay.
It's totally okay.

Um...

It's good to see you.

Yeah. You, too.

Oh, please. I
didn't... I'm not...

Please, I wasn't...

Sam: It's okay.
It's totally fine.

I actually was
about to go home...

- Yeah.
- Anyway.

- So I'm going to go.
- Okay.

Um, but it was really
good to see you.

- You, too.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Sam: Okay.

♪ Even though I know

♪ Hell is a crowded... ♪

Sam [on video]: And because
it's, like, you touch hands,

and then it reminds him that
he has the power to kill you.

[crowd laughing]

Man: Bullshit is
all I'm saying, Cam.

I mean, excessive.
Excessive? Come on.

You were doing the right thing.

Cameron: I know that.

Oh, sorry. I was just
taking out the trash.

Yeah, that's alright. Hey.

Uh, Sam. This is officers
Gerrard and Lawrence.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Gerrard here was just
defending my honour.

It's, uh... It's Jim,
hun, and this is Conrad.

- Conrad.
- Hi.

Can we, uh, offer the
babysitter a beer, or?

Okay, first of all,
she's an au pair.

[chuckling]

The less teen version
of a babysitter.

- Thank you, Cameron.
- Jim: Right.

I get it, I get it.

It's like, uh, the
thing with stewardesses.

You can't call 'em stewardesses
anymore. You gotta...

Conrad: Flight attendant's
the correct term now.

Jim: Flight attendant.

And the gay dude ones are
actually pretty funny.

The Seinfelds of the sky, truly.

Anyway, Sam doesn't
want to drink beer

with a bunch of old dudes.

Oh, no, I mean,
Conrad is young-ish.

- Jim: Young-ish.
- Thank you.

All right.

So, uh, what do
you do with Brooke?

You know, math homework,
keep her from slipping

into an existential
crisis too early.

- Jim: Right.
- All of that good stuff.

Yeah. Must be, uh,
tough without a mom.

Conrad: Yeah.

Yeah, she must think
you're pretty cool.

Yeah, she loves Sam.

Well, I mean, even you and
I, with our relative youth,

are already considered
way too out of touch

to be cool to teens.

Well, Cam and I must
be royally fucked.

- Oh, yeah.
- Brooke's always giving me shit

for saying stuff
I'm not supposed to.

Well, I mean, you're not
supposed to say "exotic," but...

I don't know,
Cameron's pretty funny.

My wife thinks he's hilarious.

- Sam: Really?
- Conrad: Oh, yeah.

Cameron, what's funny about you?

I mean, you're not ugly,
you're a straight white dude,

you don't stutter.

I get it.

That's a callback.

Yeah, that's a term
in comedy where

an inside joke
comes back around.

Oh, yeah.

Sam's a stand-up comedienne.

- No way.
- What?

Like a comedian, but a girl.

Conrad: Right.

But, I thought, like,
isn't comedy, like...

It's hard on women, no?

Uh.

No, it's really easy. I
just wear a tiny little top,

I get on stage, I
make baby noises,

and then I get a
million dollars,

and everybody in the
audience goes, "Yas, queen!"

Okay.

That's a joke from
one of her sets.

I've seen her videos.

You've watched...

Fuck, you've watched
my videos, Cameron?

- Conrad: What?
- Sam: Which ones?

Conrad: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
We have to see one of these.

- Are you on YouTube?
- Yeah. Look her up.

Sam Cowell. YouTube.

- Yeah?
- Conrad: Is that her?

- Cameron: Yup. That's her.
- Oh, my God.

49,000 views.

- Conrad: Wow.
- That's pretty good.

Conrad: Oh, my God.

I'm a nanny, which is the
politically correct term

for "old babysitter."

Wait, you do sets
at the Laugh Basket?

That's pretty cool.

Sam: No, the Basket
is not cool, okay?

It smells like pee and
the floor is always wet.

[Jim chuckling]

Teen mom or struggling actress?

Crowd: Aww.

Either way, I am rock hard, so.

[both laughing]

You're funny! You are funny.

[groaning]

This is so
inappropriate, Cameron.

What? I had to
vet you somehow.

You're looking after my
one and only daughter.

I guess so.

My big flirty move on a
date is to make the guy

pinky promise not to kill me.

- [crowd laughing]
- Conrad: Yeah.

More stuff about men.
I get it. I get it.

You touch hands and
then it reminds him

that he has the
power to kill you.

We should all go see
her. When are you there?

No, please.

- Yeah, put us on the list.
- Is there a list?

No!

[Jim and Conrad laughing]

Sam [on video]: It is hard to
be a nanny for this generation,

though, because it's like,
they know everything, you know?

It's like everything
you know, they know,

and they know why it's wrong,

and they know which member
of the Clinton Foundation

made you think
that it was right.

[audience laughing]

It's like...

[sighing]

[TV playing]

Woman [on TV]: Houston!
Houston, come in!

Hey. Pay attention.
This is a good movie.

I don't care about space.

You don't care about
the wonder of space?

The ever-expanding universe?

Sandra Bullock?

Hey.

Are you okay?

Have you ever
burned a photograph?

What?

Like, in a... cathartic way.

Um...

I mean, I guess. Only of exes.

Definitely of Dylan. Why?

No, I was just thinking of
deleting a bunch of photos

off my phone.

But you don't have
any ex anythings.

Brooke.

- N...
- No!

You're going to want those.

I just... I... You
know, I see her

every time I try to
take a new picture

because my phone
has this... this...

this feature where,
you know, it...

it gathers up photos
based on faces,

and just, like, displays
them in an album.

And it... [sighing]

I know, and the
feature is horrible,

and it adds songs,
it's not good.

But...

it's going to hurt
a lot more later

if you don't have anything
to remember her by.

I was just thinking about it.

Okay, well,

maybe just do an iCloud backup

in case you're thinking
of doing anything rash.

I'm surprised you know
anything about backups.

Okay. Wow. I'm not that old.

P.S. I'm surprised
the cloud can even

store the number of
selfies you take.

Although, the poses
are spectacular.

I'm... I'm going to borrow
this and this. The tilt?

Okay, you're all set.

So, what's this movie about?

I told you. Sandra Bullock.

It's good. It's
a lot of strings.

They break, they tangle.

Then the strings are
going to save someone.

[sighing]

[sighing]

♪

♪

[sirens wailing]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[sniffling]

♪

[sighing]

♪

[whispering] Brooke.
Brooke, Brooke...

What? What? What? What is it?

You need to get up.

- Wh...
- You need to get up now.

What happened to your head?

I, um...

I tripped.

What?

The carbon monoxide
monitors are going off.

We have to leave now.

What about my dad? Why...

He's fine. He left.

I turned them off,
we have to go.

Fine. Fine.

♪

Sam: [whispering] No, no,
no. We don't have time.

- Leave Sammity.
- He's going to die, okay?

It'll affect his small
rabbit lungs first.

- Okay, fine.
- Fine.

Just you get the door.

- Okay.
- Be really quiet.

Why should I be quiet?
What is going on?

Sam: Because... So I can
hear the monitors. Just...

Brooke: What?!

Be careful with Sammity.

Sam: Okay. Here, take this.

Brooke: Okay.

Sam: Are those
your dad's keys?

- Brooke: Yes.
- Okay, let's go.

Quiet.

- Get in the front seat.
- Brooke: Okay!

[engine starting]

Just get... Get in.

I'm doing that!

How do I open the garage?

Just here.

- This thing?
- Yes.

Put on your seatbelt.

[tires squealing]

Sam. Sam, it's okay, all right?
We all got out. It's okay.

It's o... Can you pull over?

- I know, yeah.
- Can you pull over?

Can you just pull over?

Can we call my dad?

Stop!

Okay.

[panting]

I'm going to... I'm
going to call the...

I'm going to call
the fire department.

Okay.

Where's my phone?
I need my phone.

Here. It's here. It's fine.

[panting]

What are you doing?
Stay in the car, Brooke.

You could be hurt, okay?

Carbon monoxide is
very complicated.

I'm fine, Sam.

Just stay in the car, okay?!

[panting]

[whispering] Okay.

[phone line ringing]

♪

[sirens wailing in distance]

♪

Please let me in.
Just let me in!

I just want to be
in with her, please!

Let me in! Let me in!

[sighing]

Woman: How are you
feeling, Samantha?

Um... Is Brooke okay?

She's here at the hospital.
She's physically fine.

Her aunt's on the way.

And...

This is what you want to file?

[monitor beeping]

Sam. Sam! Sam! What's
going on? Are you okay?

What's going on? No,
Sam. What did you say?

What... What's happening? Sam!

What's going on, Sam?!

[shouting indistinctly]

[monitor beeping louder]

Can you please get the
fuck out of my room?

♪

[exhaling]

[beeping]

[crying]

♪

[sighing]

Philip: Dude,
it's so exciting!

Paige: Yes!

Sam! Paige's green
card got approved!

Paige: LA, baby! Oh, what?

What's wrong?

Paige: What's going on?

Hi, sad on the floor.
What's going on?

Paige: What's happening?

What is this... Lisa
Frank monstrosity?

And why does it smell like
a half-smoked cigarette?

It's Brooke's.

How would you get...

I found it. I went
back to the house.

She's been staying there.

No, you went back there?

That is way too big a trigger.

Dude, you need to drop this

and start taking
care of yourself.

I'm trying to take
care of myself, okay?

I know that I'm a
huge fucking burden.

I knew it. Just say it!

My PTSD is a huge
fucking burden.

For fuck's sake.
It's not that.

What?

Do... Say something.

I mean...

Does it suck that we can't
invite people over here? Yeah.

You know, does it...

does it suck that you
still haven't met Ravi

and we've been dating
for five months.

And we always have
to stay at his place,

and he has the worst sheets.

Yes, that sucks.

But, dude, it's fine.

It's not fine. I'm annoying.

Sam, you have
always been annoying

and we have always loved you.

Just, you know, let's...
Let's just drop it.

I'm trying, okay?
I'm doing my therapy.

It's just imaginal
exposures don't always work.

Maybe she does need to be
trying the in vitro exposure.

No. What? It's in vivo.

I'm not a child, okay?

So, please stop
treating me like one.

And I'm sorry, Paige,
that you got good news

and I ruined your night.

Okay, you're not a child,

but you are... a
daughter and a friend

- and a girlfriend.
- Paige, don't...

No! And we all want those Sams

to... to drop the Brooke thing

so that we can get
those Sams back, please!

I'm not a girlfriend, okay?

I'm not a girlfriend,
and I'm barely a friend.

I'm not contributing
anything to this friendship

or to society or to anyone.

So, just stop being
so fucking nice to me!

[sighing]

[sniffling, sighing]

Okay, well, if you want,

you could start paying
full rent again?

Okay, well, I can't do that.

It's obviously
cool. I was just...

Sam: [inhaling] I'm sorry.

I just can't stop thinking
about how much Brooke hates me

and, like, what if
something's actually wrong

and then she, like, dies
thinking I ruined her life?

She's not dying, okay?

She's still bullying
us on Twitter.

Okay.

But, I really think you
should get in touch with Noah,

because he knows
this whole situation,

and this is just so
much for Philip and I.

I agree with Paige.

I mean, he's a
really good listener.

Actually, more than
either of you, but...

Okay, Sam, just either,
like, reach out to Noah,

or come to the all
women's ayahuasca retreat

I keep talking about, but
this has just got to stop.

And, you know...

maybe next time you're out

you just grab some toilet paper.

Okay.

["Handle Me" by Muna playing]
♪ Who taught you that

♪ If you get a good thing ♪

♪ You better not
touch it too much? ♪

[knocking] Hey.

Can I come in?

Yeah.

♪ Who told you that

♪ You've got to keep
your hands clean ♪

♪ Or you're going
to mess it all up? ♪

Can I get in the bed with you?

Yeah, sure.

I'm glad you texted.

♪ I am rough around the edge ♪

♪ I am not a flower petal ♪

♪ You can handle me

Are... Are you okay?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Paige kind of made it sound like

you weren't doing so good.

Not that she told me much.

I don't... I don't wanna...

I mean, I'm here
if you wanna talk.

I could just listen to you...

[unzipping]

What are you doing?
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you sure about this? Hold
on a second. Sam, wait...

Just... Just be quiet, okay?

It's fine. Just let me...

Noah: Okay.

Okay, yeah. Yeah.

[sighing]

Holy shit.

♪ If you love someone

♪ It's best to just
leave them alone ♪

That was, uh...

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Totally.

I'm fine.

♪

MC: Now, you guys are
probably here to see

everybody's favourite
skinny, rich, white girl.

Sam Cowell!

Sam: I do have to
be nice to the guys.

I'm going to be
nice to the guys.

Somebody had to come
backstage, like,

"Be nice to the guys."

[audience laughing]

Sam: Thank you guys so much!

[audience cheering]

["Number One Fan"
by Muna playing]

♪ So, I heard the bad news ♪

[people chatting]

♪ Nobody likes me

♪ And I'm gonna die alone

♪ In my bedroom

[people chatting]

♪ Looking at strangers
on my telephone ♪

Hey, guys. Good to see you.

Philip: Oh, yeah.
No, that's crazy.

I've never climbed Kilimanjaro.

All: Hey.

Hi. Good to see you.

Okay.

I showered.

Dude, you look hot.

Thank you. It's
killing me to be here,

but I do look hot.

You do!

You're not going to,
like, ruin the party,

and jump off the
roof or anything.

Oh, my God. No.

I would never ruin Paige's
green card approval party

by jumping off the roof tonight.

Have you seen Paige yet?

I mean, you cannot miss her.

I'm gay, I'm a genie, and
I'll grant you a wish!

I am really happy
for her, though.

She... She deserves this.

[snorting]

Yeah, you sound so happy

and not bummed or
jealous at all.

But I'm really glad
you left the house.

And I'm actually even glad that

you bought all the
American flag stuff,

- even though it is...
- Thank you.

Extremely American.

So American.

Yeah, so, now we just need
to get you back on stage.

You wanna help me
pick a new stage name?

What? Sam Cowell's
an incredible name.

Plus, you're probably the first
Google search result now, so.

Wow. Okay, fine.
I'm going to say it.

I did it for attention.

[laughs] Sam!

You shouldn't be joking about
search engine optimization.

Yeah, you're right.
No. That's too far.

- It's too far.
- That's the line.

Some things we
shouldn't joke about.

No more.

I'm gonna get a drink.
Do you want one?

- I need one.
- Okay, yeah.

I have to have one.

Okay, well, I'll get you one.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hm.

♪

Jill: Did she ever say
anything to you about a Nathan?

[laughing, sound distorting]

♪

Sam: [groaning] My God.

Parties were not like this
when we were in junior high.

They were in, like, basements
or 7/11 parking lots.

She told me this
was a sleepover.

- Where is she?
- Is that her right there?

- Noah: There you go.
- Sam: Brooke!

Brooke: [giggling] Hi.

Are you drunk?

It's just a birthday party.

Okay, let's get this on.

No, no. No, no, no.

- Hi.
- Hi!

Um, Brooke owes me and Nathan
$30 for the Smirnoff Ice.

- Both: Thirty dollars?
- That's insane.

Mm.

Okay, yeah. Um, do
you have that? Sorry.

Yeah, sure. I'd like to
give you my last $20.

There you go. Enjoy.

No. No. It's $30.

I'm not an ATM. Yeah.

Where did you guys
get all this alcohol?

There's... Everyone here
has an older boyfriend...

or you know
something. I don't...

- I don't want to leave.
- Noah: Oh, okay.

We are going to go
to Niagara Falls.

- Noah: Yeah, we sure are.
- We're going home.

Noah: Let's go for
it. It'll be fun.

["Skeletons" by W.
Darling playing]

♪ ... mountains
in roller skates ♪

♪ I'm reckless, and careless ♪

♪ Bloody knees in my jeans

♪ And my sundress
is so delicate ♪

♪ Oh, skeletons

♪ Oh we're skeletons

Phew. I miss this view.

Yeah, we're really lucky.

♪ Oh, skeletons

I missed you.

Sam: Oh.

Oh, fuck.

Noah.

Oh, please. Sam, no... That...

No. No, I... I thought
we were making progress.

We? I mean...

You and I just slept together.

Yeah.

What, so you're saying there's
no glimmer of "we" anymore?

I mean, there's
barely a me right now.

Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Uh, well, do you think
there would be a you

to care about at some point?

What?

I don't know. I'm
just... I'm...

The pronouns are
confusing me here.

You... I...

Everyone needs
we's in their life.

Fuck, Noah. This is
just so not about you...

- No, I know.
- Or us.

I know I don't
exist in this, okay?

I'm just... I'm just
the ex-boyfriend.

I... [sighing]

I just wish...

What? What do you wish?

I wish I could have been there.

I know, but you weren't,
and that's okay.

That's... That's why I was
trying to be there after.

But how, Noah?

You know?

By getting in fights
on Twitter with trolls?

By asking me, like, just
why would he think that?

Okay, I will regret
that fucking question

for the rest of my stupid life.

I just can't be
around you, okay?

It just makes me
feel like shit to be

around the people
who were there.

But you can go looking
around for Brooke?

Yeah.

I guess that I can,

because Brooke is, like...

the one person who
doesn't pity me.

She hates me.

It's refreshing.

I am gonna go check on the ice.

You don't care about ice.

Sam: I do.

I care deeply about the
ice right now, Noah.

I'm sorry.

["Late Bloomer" by
Allison Ponthier playing]

♪ Late bloomer

[sighing]

♪ I'm not afraid
of you anymore ♪

♪ Late bloomer, now
that I'm awake ♪

♪ It was worth the wait

♪ Late bloomer

♪ I'm not afraid
of you anymore ♪

♪ Late bloomer, now
that I'm awake ♪

♪ It was worth the wait

- [phone line ringing]
- Nathan: Who's this?

Hi, this is Tiff.

Uh, or...

Nathan: Tiffer?

Yes, no. Um, this...
It's Tiffany.

Um, Brooke's friend from school.

Nathan: What do
you want with her?

Uh, no. Um...

That's not why
I'm calling, um...

I was wondering if I could...

Nathan: Whoa,
not on the phone.

Okay, look, if you want to buy,
you just gotta come by, okay?

- Come by the trap.
- What?

Nathan: The greenhouse
behind the convenience store

on Main Street.

Yo, are you calling
from the city?

You sound kinda old, you know.

Uh, no. I'm in Niagara, too.

This is my friend's phone, um,

and I just smoke a lot.

Nathan: All right, all right.

Come by in, like, an hour, okay?

Peace... Out.

♪ Late bloomer

♪ I'm not afraid
of you anymore ♪

I can't believe you
know where she is.

And, I'm sorry, but who's
named Tiffany anymore?

I don't know, I just panicked.

Philip: Well, I'm
packing you apples.

Okay, and you're
sober enough to drive?

Yes, I only had one beer.

Paige: And you're sober enough

to go out there
and be a big hero?

I just don't care what
anybody thinks anymore.

I don't even care what
Brooke thinks anymore.

I'm finding her.

Do you want us to go with you?

No, I have to talk
to her on my own.

I don't want to spook her.

I wonder what this
boyfriend drug dealer sells.

I was thinking Molly...

Guys! Shut up, okay?

Brooke could be high
on anything right now.

Do you remember how stupid
we were when we were her age?

I mean, we tried
smoking dog hair once.

Ugh. Hey, um, take my keys.

Please be safe.

And check in with us.

Okay.

Because teenage drug dealers
who live in Niagara Falls

probably, you know,
don't have a lot to lose.

I'm sure it'll be
fine. Just don't...

Don't think about Euphoria.

- Paige: Go!
- Okay.

Paige: Go get her, girl.

♪

Lawyer: And how long had you
and Mr. Dolman been dating

on the night of October 13th?

Sam: It was our
three-year anniversary.

Lawyer: And yet you chose to
stay late at the Renner's.

Sam: It was my job to
stay late at the Renner's,

until Brooke fell asleep.

Lawyer: And that
night you told

Brooke that you wanted
to leave with her

because of a carbon
monoxide leak.

But there was no leak.

No, I told her that
so that I could...

So, you lied to her
about your intentions

for wanting to leave the house?

I lied so that I wouldn't
have to leave her there

after... that.

And Brooke has gone on
the record, saying that

you were in love
with her father.

I was not in love with Cameron.

I found him really
boring and pretty sexist.

I was in love with Noah.

Hm.

Exhibit C is one of Ms.
Cowell's comedy clips from 2014.

If everyone could direct their
attention to the television.

I mean, if you're not
having rough sex, it's like,

are you having sex?

At that point it's
just procreation.

[audience laughing]

And in February of last year,

you were a guest on a podcast
called The Crimson Wave,

in which you said, and I quote,

"It was offensive that you
hadn't been hit on as a nanny."

Well, I mean, you're...
taking that out of context.

Oh, well, I don't understand.

Could you explain
what the context is?

The context of a joke.

I mean, also, you're not
even playing, like...

These are my worst clips.

I'm still flat-ironing
my hair in these.

I wasn't even nannying
for them at the time.

I'm...

There's no evidence that
states that my client

didn't see this material,

and that you didn't confirm

that you wanted to have
consensual rough sex with him.

Are you going to ask
what I was wearing next?

Judge: If the defendant
could please rise.

In the case of the Queen
versus Cameron Renner,

on the charges of
sexual harassment

and aggravated sexual assault,

I find the defendant guilty.

[banging gavel] I sentence
him to five years.

[audio fading out]

♪

[sighing]

Brooke: She's lying to you!

Noah: No, she isn't, Brooke.

I know this is
hard to understand.

No, it's not. She's trying
to take his money, okay?

And now he lost his job!

She just... she saw our house
and she saw... she saw his car,

and she was probably
glad when my mom died!

Brooke. Enough.

Noah. Noah, I'm so sorry.
I had no idea, I swear.

- An inkling...
- Why are you on their side?

- Jill: Stop it.
- Dad loved Mom, not her.

She's a liar!

Hey, we don't talk
about women like that.

Thank you, Jill.

Yeah, of course.

Get inside. Come on.

Let's go. Let's
finish packing.

Go.

Holy shit. I'm sorry.

Can we go? Can we
just go please?

We're going.

[engine starting]

Noah: She wasn't
supposed to be here.

[thumping]

Jesus.

♪

♪

[teens talking indistinctly]

Boy: Yo, Brooke said
that, too, though.

[speaking indistinctly]

Boy: Alright, yeah.
Yeah, I'm down here.

Let's just go home.
Let's just go to my...

Yeah, that was stupid, bro.

I remember.

Yeah, yeah. Brooke
was there...

[teens laughing]

Yeah, yeah. That's my
car. Mine's the green one.

[teens laughing]

[indistinct conversation]

Boy: Yeah, all right.
Everyone in. Everyone in.

[laughing, speaking
indistinctly]

Boy: You're welcome.

♪

Fuck.

♪

[barking]

Fucking cop dog.

[barking]

[car alarm beeping]

♪

Conrad: I'm really sorry
you're back here, Samantha.

Tim: You can joke about
literally anything now,

so that's good.

Jim: You're funny!
You are funny.

Cameron: Is that
you treating us

to one of your
stand-up comedy things?

Lawyer: There's no evidence
that states that my client

didn't see this material,

and that you didn't confirm

that you wanted to have
consensual rough sex with him.

Brooke: I just want
to know why you lied!

Conrad: This is what
you want to file?

Brooke: She was probably
glad when my mom died.

Noah: Brooke!

Paige: You need to drop this

and start taking care
of yourself, dude.

Noah: I just wish...

[voices overlapping]

Noah: One, two, three.

There you go. Does that work?

- Yes.
- Okay.

Thanks for the extra film, Noah.

Oh, it's my pleasure.

There's not enough pictures of
you two on our fridge as it is.

Gross.

Okay, well, then you can leave.

Hey, make sure you
get everything.

- I did. Bye, Noah.
- Noah: All right.

Bye.

So, you want me to,
uh, stick around?

Uh, no, it's okay.

I have to help Brooke
with her math homework,

and Cameron is
actually home for once.

What?

Yeah, and we all know
that he's not a huge fan

of the babysitter's boyfriend.

I'm not wearing my
bulletproof vest.

I should get out of here.

You have to wait
up for me, though.

I would wait for you
'til 4:00 in the morning.

Okay, so I'll wake you
up when I get back?

Yes, please. Yeah.

I'll see you really soon.

I'll see you so
soon. [echoing]

[panting]

♪

Sam: You want some ice cream?

Sure.

[sighing] Delicious ice
cream? Sure. I guess.

You're so funny. You
make me laugh. Thank you.

You know it was a lot
easier to cheer you up

when you were little.

Whatever.

Can you stay over tonight?

I really have to
get back tonight.

It's my anniversary.

♪ Pictures of
people you follow ♪

Does he go down on you?

What?!

How do you know
about going down?

Candace says that if
a guy goes down on you

and posts about you online,
then he's boyfriend material.

Wow.

Noah posts about you
on his stories a lot.

Yeah. Yes. Yeah, he does.

That's actually pretty
insightful of Candace.

She's not wrong.

Okay, new conversation topic.

We've never... We've
never done this before.

Oh.

Are you good on your ice cream?

Mm-hm.

Okay. I have to go.

And you absolutely
need to go to bed.

It is so late.

Okay, watch. I'm going
to get this all in one.

Yes, there we go.

Go it. Goodnight.

Please go to bed, okay?

Love you.

Love you, too.

[hyperventilating]

[crying]

Sam: Please stop.

[crying]

Cameron?

Cameron, are you okay?

Here. It's a beer.

Oh, I was just checking to
make sure you were okay.

Um, I have to go soon.

- Brooke's asleep, so...
- Why wouldn't I be okay?

Because you're...
kind of drunk.

Cameron: I'm still your boss.

You can't talk to me that way.

Okay. Sorry.

Um, I'm just going to finish
up the dishes, and then go...

Just...

I actually need to talk to you.

Okay.

[sighing]

[Cameron clearing throat]

What's up?

So...

I've been watching
more of your stuff...

online,

and I take it back.

You take what back?

That you're not funny.

You're actually funny.

- I'm actually funny?
- Mm-hmm.

Wow. Well, thank you, Cameron.

That means a lot coming from
someone as riveting as you.

Your special, you said...

"It's weird, 'cause
I like cops."

Yeah, but then the
punch line was,

"I'm more partial
to firefighters."

No. That's not
what I remember.

Okay. Well...

I'm sorry to disappoint
you, officer, but...

Hmm.

I'm going to go.

Not...

if I arrest you...

young lady.

[chuckling] Okay.

Well, I can talk my way
out of most tickets,

so I'm going to go
now, Mr. Renner.

Just don't...

"Mr. Renner."

It's Cameron.

Really?

It's fine. It's
okay. I'm sorry.

I think it was just
a misunderstanding.

I'm just going to go. We don't...
We can just forget about this.

I'm going to...

[handcuffs clinking]

It's role play.

I've seen your show,
and I know you like it.

All right?

You scream and I'll arrest you.

Are you serious?
You're going to wake...

You can't resist an officer.

You have to comply,

and I know you like handcuffs.

Are you serious?
This is ridiculous.

This is... You're
just... You're, like...

I'm not ridiculous.

- Okay. I'm going to go.
- Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa.

[panicked] Oh, my God.
Please stop. Fuck.

Cameron: It's fine. It's fine.

Hey. Just look
at me. It's fine.

It's fine. Just look at me.

[voice distorting] Look at me.

Look at me.

[retching, vomiting]

[gasping]

Brooke? Brooke?

You need to get up now.

[sighing]

["Valkyrie" by Lou Roy playing]

♪ I was forced

♪ To breathe on purpose

♪ One, two, three,
four five, six ♪

♪ One, two, three
four, five, six ♪

♪ Metal is healing

♪ Sometimes the
beast needs feeding ♪

♪ Ride with me Valkyrie

♪ Slay all those fuckers

♪ That have hurt
you in the past ♪

♪ Oh, he did me so bad

♪ And every time I
think of how you laugh ♪

♪ Oh, it gets me so bad ♪

♪ Hey, man, what you doing? ♪

♪ Come on back I
need you moving ♪

♪ Said, hey, man
what you doing? ♪

♪ Come on back I
need you moving ♪

♪ I am sore

♪ And I am melted

♪ Chaos reigns

♪ All is permitted

♪ Ride with me Valkyrie ♪

♪ Slay all those fuckers ♪

♪ At that party
from way back ♪

♪ Oh, it did me so bad ♪

[sighing]

♪

Brooke?

Brooke.

Why are you here?

Who lives here?

- I do.
- Who else lives here, Brooke?

Nathan and his brother.

How do you know Nathan?

I met him with Candace.

[under her breath] Oh,
that fucking idiot.

Did Nathan give you
drugs? What are you on?

I just smoked pot. A teener.

- It's...
- Holy shit. Is that meth?

Or oxy? What the hell are
teens doing these days?

I'm just chilled out, Sam.
Why are you even here?

Because I'm worried about you.

Your whole family is
worried about you.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am.

Of course I am. Come on!

That's ridiculous.
We're going, okay?

- No. I don't want to.
- Yes, Brooke.

Yo.

Who are you?

I'm Tiff.

All right, Tiff.

You shouldn't be here, okay?

Have you seen the news?

Do you know that Brooke
is considered missing?

Brooke's not missing
anything, all right?

You know what? Get
out of my house.

Not without Brooke. Come on.

I don't want to go.

See? Brooke doesn't want to
leave, either, all right?

We're having a lot of fun here.

How old are you?

Are you 18?

[scoffing] Yeah.
So what if I am?

Well, did you know
that the little girl

you've been feeding
God-knows-what to

is 14 years old?

- Sam, stop.
- Nathan: Whatever.

She's taller than you are.

Okay? Plus, she told me
that she was, uh, 16, so...

Yeah? Well, last year, she
was in a one-piece snowsuit.

Nathan: Wait a second.

I know exactly who you are.

You're the little bitch

that got Brooke's dad locked
up in the first place.

Don't you fucking dare
call me a little bitch!

Brooke: Stop it!

[cackling] Come on,
Tiffer. An apple?

You got to come packing
a little more than that.

- Get up, Brooke. Let's go.
- I am!

- Ow!
- Sam, stop it! Stop.

Sam: And I took Krav
Maga on my ClassPass

three times last year,
so do not fuck with me!

I'll kill you.

No, Nathan. If I ever see
you come near Brooke again,

I will come to your
shitty, smelly house,

and I will kill you!

- Brooke: Stop!
- Let's go.

- Stop!
- Go.

- Oh, my God!
- [Sam shouting] Come on!

Brooke?

It's Sam. It's...

You're in my hotel, or...

This is definitely
a motel, but...

I got you out of that house.

You kidnapped me?

Kidnapped you? Brooke,
you're a missing person.

I found you, okay? I'm a hero.

I don't need your
help, Sam, okay?

What is it with you kidnapping
me from all these places?

They're literally
my friends. Jesus.

- Okay.
- Oh, God.

I looked up what a teener was

on Urban Dictionary, okay?

You're in big shit.

- Shut up.
- You're smarter than that.

[coughing]

Sam [sighing]:
Okay. Maybe not.

[panting, coughing]

[sighing] Here you go.

Did any of those guys make
you do stuff with them?

What?

Did any of them pressure
you into doing stuff

that you didn't want to do?

I'm not talking to you
about any of that, Sam.

Okay, well, Nathan is 18,

so "any of that" is
technically illegal.

I turn 15 in two weeks, Sam.

Who cares if I
made out with him?

I don't know. I feel like
a lot of people would care.

Nathan is nice, okay?

He didn't do anything wrong.

Brooke...

And neither did
my dad, you freak.

- Brooke.
- Freak!

Brooke, your father
did do something wrong.

No, he did not.
Do not say that.

I know that it's
hard to understand,

but there was evidence.

It is not hard to
understand, Sam.

I've read all the
articles, okay?

- Oh, the articles? By who?
- Yes.

Jordan Peterson? All the
men's rights activists?

- I hate you!
- [glass shattering]

You didn't have
to ruin our lives!

I didn't do anything wrong!

You know I didn't
do anything wrong.

You did do something wrong, Sam.

Brooke, what did I do?

- My life was ruined!
- Your life?

- Yes.
- Your life?!

Yes! I can't eat.
I can't sleep.

- I can't go online.
- Fuck you!

I don't want kids.
I don't want Noah.

Fuck you. Fuck you!

I'm not funny
anymore, Brooke. Okay?

I'm not funny anymore. Why
would I have wanted that?

I don't know!

Then what could I have
possibly done to you, huh?

What did I do to you?

You left!

[crying] You left.

Even if he did do it, you
shouldn't have left me, Sam.

[crying]

I'm sorry, Brooke.

[crying continues]

I'm here, okay.

[crying intensifies]

I'm here.

["I know the End" by
Phoebe Bridgers playing]

♪ Somewhere in Germany

♪ But I can't place it

♪ Man, I hate this
part of Texas ♪

♪ Close my eyes, fantasize ♪

♪ Three clicks and I'm home ♪

♪ When I get back
I'll lay around ♪

♪ Then I'll get up
and lay back down ♪

[moaning]

♪ Romanticize a quiet life ♪

♪ There's no place
like my room ♪

Okay.

♪ But you had to go

♪ I know, I know, I know ♪

[song continuing on radio]
♪ Like a wave that crashed

♪ And melted on the shore

♪ Not even the burnouts... ♪

[turning down volume]

So, how do I know that you're
not going to run away again?

Because if you promise to not
tell my aunt about the drugs,

I promise to stay there.

No deal, Brooke.

I only did it
once, okay? Really.

Yeah. Okay, Brooke.

And were you hiding it
inside your body, too?

For a friend?

Okay, fine.

But I do promise I will
never do that again.

It made me feel like shit.

It's the least glamorous drug.

It literally comes
out of your skin.

I didn't know what it was.

I thought it was just weed, Sam.

Okay. I mean, it truly changes

the shape of your nose
and your face bones.

Sam, okay.

When we get to somewhere
with good Wi-Fi,

I'm showing you
before-and-after pics.

Okay.

Sam, there's one more thing

if I'm going to
let you turn me in.

Sam: So, you're
bargaining now?

♪ ...Go down with my
hometown in a tornado ♪

♪ I'm going to chase it

♪ I know, I know, I know ♪

♪ I got to go now

♪ I know, I know, I know ♪

♪

♪ Driving out
into the sun... ♪

Paige: Well, we all know
why we came here tonight.

Here with her new hour,

she is traumatized
but funny as hell.

Put your hands together
for Sam Cowell!

[cheering and applause]

♪ Ended up with a
pair of cracked lips ♪

Sam: Wow! Oh!

♪ Windows down, scream along ♪

♪ To some America First
rap-country song ♪

Um, hi, everybody. I'm Sam.

And tonight, I'm going
to tell a rape joke.

So, um, my ex-boyfriend

will not stop making
my rape about him.

He has an identical hour.

Same material, right after this.

He's, like, "Please tell them
to stay for the next show."

[audience laughing]

So, if you're, like,

"I kind of need this, but
from a male perspective,"

hang out.

♪ It's a government drone
or an alien spaceship ♪

♪ Either way,
we're not alone ♪

♪ I'll find a new
place to be from ♪

♪ A haunted house
with a picket fence ♪

♪ To float around and
ghost my friends ♪

♪ No, I'm not afraid
to disappear ♪

♪ The billboard said
"The end is near" ♪

♪ I turned around there
was nothing there ♪

♪ Yeah I guess
the end is here ♪

♪ The end is here

♪ The end is here

♪ The end is here

♪ The end is here

♪

♪