Original subtitles

- Hang in there, honey. I think I hear daddy coming.

I think I hear him coming.

- Hey.

What, has he been drinking again?

Hi, I'm ray.

I live here in long island

With my wife, debra,

My five-year-old daughter,

And twin almost-two-year-old boys.

My parents live across the street.

That's right.

The truth is, I'd do anything for my family.

And--done.

Hey.

You know what I think is really sexy?

- What?

- A man who does the dishes.

- No. Does nothing for me.

You know what does it for me?

A woman who does the dishes--

With another woman.

- Wow.

- Come on.

Hey, where are you going?

What have you got there?

- Mommy's pen.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's my laundry marker.

Honey, have you been drawing on the walls again?

- No. I drew on geoffrey.

- You--

- Oh.

What? You drew on geoffrey?

- He asked me to.

- Oh, my god.

It's bad news for europe, ray.

- Just relax. All right?

Just relax. I'll take care of it.

It's coming off.

It's coming off.

It's not coming off.

- Here. Let me see if I can do this.

[knock on door]

Ally, come on. Come with me.

- You know your front door is locked?

- Yeah, we thought it would keep out the bad people.

- You think evil cares about a lock?

- Ray, I've got some news.

I don't know the best way to break this.

Your great-uncle gus?

Dead.

- Oh, no. I liked him.

- Yeah. Me too.

Hey, nuts.

- Deb, uncle gus died.

- Oh, that's terrible.

- He had a heart attack. He was 94.

- We still haven't ruled out foul play.

- That's really a shame.

Gus was a sweet guy, huh? - Yeah.

- Remember how he always wanted to read

Everything you wrote? - Yeah.

And he gave me a gold pen when I graduated.

I always felt like I was his grandson.

- He wants you to deliver his eulogy.

- What? I hardly knew the guy!

- It was his dying wish.

- Even dead people love raymond.

- Look, I can't do it. I can't.

Get somebody else to do it.

- No. Old gus wanted you.

It was in his will.

- I can't do it.

Look, I can't talk in front of people.

Even talking to you is hard enough.

I--no.

Please, let robert do it. Robert could do the eulogy.

- Peanut, almond, cashew.

Peanut, almond--

Cashew.

- I think you're doing the eulogy, ray.

[knocking]

- Oh, this is terrible. It's awful.

I just found out that my sister is coming to the funeral.

- Aunt alda's coming all the way from canada?

- Uh-huh! - Well, that's great.

If you like aunt alda.

Who does?

- All right, have your fun.

That woman broke my heart.

- Not this again.

- She never even sent raymond a wedding present.

Because you put her at a bad table at the reception.

- Hey, aunt alda did kind of ruin the wedding.

- It was seven years ago,

And you're still not talking.

I hate this story.

- What am I supposed to do, huh?

Our cousin theresa has cataracts,

So she's got to sit up front.

Then she shows up with her daughter stacy,

The 300-pound nutritionist.

That's another two seats.

- Can hitler have a juice box?

- Yeah. I'll get it.

- Oh. You understand, ray.

I know you do.

You're sensitive and artistic--

- Ahem.

- Oh, you don't have to be sensitive, dear.

You're big.

- Look, ma, I understand your fight,

You and alda, but listen.

Ma, gus is dead, and I got to give this eulogy,

So please, don't make trouble at the funeral.

- I'm not going to make trouble for you

Or anybody else.

- Good.

- Because I'm not going to be there.

- Peanut, almond, cashew.

Peanut, almond, cashew.

Peanut, almond--

Oh, this isn't good.

- "gus."

Gus--

Gus, gus, gus.

Gus.

- Hi. How's the eulogy coming?

- Oh, I wish I were gus.

- Oh.

- I can't do it. You should do this.

No. You were in p.R.

You're good at bull-- p.R.

- Get up. Get up.

I'll--look, it's not that hard.

Know how to put the right spin on things.

Just tell me something about gus.

- What's to tell?

For the last 30 years,

He sat in front of the television

With a bowl of baked beans.

- He was a great patron of the arts.

All right.

And a gourmet.

Tell me something else.

- Uh, he could belch the alphabet

To the letter "m."

- A man of letters.

- Thank you. - Yeah. Come here.

- Ooh.

- Dad?

- It's your mother.

She won't stop crying about this alda business.

- So why are you here?

- Well, somebody's got to talk to her.

- Well, you're her husband.

What's wrong with you?

- She says I don't understand her.

- Well, why don't you go talk to her?

- 'cause I don't understand her.

Ray, you go.

I got work to do here. Big eulogy coming up.

- What, you don't care how much your mother suffers,

Or if I starve?

- Oh, you're starving?

- Hey, you know your mother.

When she gets upset, she doesn't cook.

When she doesn't cook, I don't eat.

You do the math.

[knock on door]

- Oh, hello, ray. - Hi.

- Your father send you?

- No, no. I wanted to come.

I won the bet to come.

- Huh.

He hates it when I cry.

It reminds him of our wedding night.

- Hey, is this gus? - Yeah.

- Hey, he's good-looking. - Uh-huh.

- Guys can say that now.

- I loved him. Oh.

Oh, here we are at coney island.

- Hey, ma, maybe you should come to the funeral,

You know, just to say good-bye to gus.

- Be in the same room with alda? Uh-uh.

Not even if it was your own father

Rotting in that casket.

Fruit?

- Hey, ma, what's with these pictures, ma?

Where are alda's heads?

- In here, where they belong.

What, you going to use her heads to coat chicken?

- Do you know what alda used to do to me?

Huh? She'd read my diary.

She'd put my dolls in odd poses.

She'd wear my clothes.

She'd steal my boyfriends.

- Yeah? What kind of poses?

- You know what it's like to grow up with someone

Who's bossy, demanding, and unreasonable?

- Oh, no.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- That's a joke, ma.

I'm making a joke.

- Yeah. Ha, ha. Very funny stuff, yeah.

You think this is all a joke, huh?

- No.

- I thought you understood.

- Well, ma, I'm trying.

Look, you're sisters.

Family should talk.

- Like you and robert?

- We talk.

A lot of that just goes unspoken.

- You think I should forgive alda, is that it?

- Well, it would make things a lot easier on you--

And other people who have eulogies to give.

I'm just saying.

- Sure, make things easy for everybody else.

Does anybody ask me how I feel? Huh?

I'm just a burden.

- No, ma, you're not just a burden.

- I got an idea.

How about I sit in the dumpster

Behind mr. Balducci's bake shop?

That way I can shoo the crows away

From the old cannoli. - Cannoli.

At least, that way, then I'd serve

A purpose. - A purpose.

Ma, you got lots of purposes.

I know; why don't you cook dad a steak?

There's a purpose.

Ma--oh, mom, please.

I'm kidding, ma.

Ma, I'm just kidding!

Aw--

[whimpers]

- A nice game-saving tackle there.

- I haven't seen this-- it looks to me-- yeah, they are.

They're lining up-- - what are you doing?

- I'm-- I'm getting the scores.

- Is that how I raised you?

Huh?

People cry, and you turn on television?

- Ma, I'm waiting for you to come back.

- You couldn't come after me, see how I was?

- I thought you wanted to be alone.

- Why would you think that, ray?

I ran out of here crying.

- That's the part that threw me.

Look, ma, aunt alda's not that bad.

Come on, there's two sides to every story, right?

- Get out of my house.

- Oh, stop it. You don't mean that.

- Get out of my house, raymond.

- Oh, don't be mad at me now, ma.

I got eulogy problems.

Ma, if you don't forget about this alda stuff--

Nobody at this funeral's going to have a good time!

- Oh, look at all the people.

There's too many people.

- Are you still nervous about the eulogy?

Listen, do you want to practice on me?

- No, no, you should be surprised

Like the rest of us.

- You didn't finish it? - How could I?

I got all this trouble with my mom.

She threw me out of the house. She's not talking to me.

I know, it sounds like a dream come true.

- Ohh-- look at geoffrey.

Oh, man.

Think anybody will notice?

- Aaaaahh!

- Bride's side or groom's side?

I'm lightening the mood.

Just try not to make that noise you make.

- That noise that you make at funerals.

- Oh, yeah, I got that under control. Thanks.

- Oh, look, your mom's here.

- Oh, god. She showed up.

- Oh, look at my sweeties. Hi!

- Listen, ma,

I'm glad you changed your mind, and I'm sorry.

- Great job talking to your mother.

God forbid you should give a crap.

- Ooh, I guess marie's still not cooking.

I'll give him a jar of strained peas.

- Is that my raymond?

- Oh, hi, aunt alda.

- Ho, ho, ho!

Ohh, ohh--

It's so good to see my favorite nephew again.

It's been too long.

- Ohh, it's been way too long.

Got to go.

- Shame, shame, shame.

- Well, hello, marie.

- Look, isn't this nice, you two?

You're back together.

- You can kiss my son,

But you can't send him a wedding present?

Your lips should dry into raisins.

Whoops! Too late.

- Aw, hey, be nice.

- The present will be here in a couple of years.

I mailed it from where I sat.

- The only reason you're angry about that table

Is because you weren't the center of attention.

- Hey, lots of attention here.

- How could I be the center of attention

While you're doing the limbo

In a sequin dress and a push-up bra?

- Oh, hey.

You wouldn't be sitting there with a sour puss.

- How could you see my sour puss where I was sitting?

You'd need binoculars.

- Aw, please, now stop it!

Stop it! We're at a funeral.

- Ray--

We're ready for you now.

- Oh, god. Listen, ma, just stop it.

Put it on hold, all right?

This funeral's not about you two fighting.

It's about me giving this damn eulogy.

Sit here.

- I like his hair.

- His hair looks terrible.

- Hi.

I'm ray.

Uh, I'm here to talk about gus petrone.

- [braying]

- Thank you.

Uh, did a little--

Did a little research first.

Lots of people don't know

Gus was actually born gustafavio--pi--

Pica--

Pi--ccchhh--

Pichialu.

He was born January 23, 1902.

That would make him, what?

Aquarius.

Hi.

Okay.

Uh, he was 10 pounds, 6 ounces.

Wow.

Now, that's big.

Ladies, am I right?

Well--later,

Gus bought carpet world over in manhasset.

I remember it was open 10:00 to 6:00 sundays.

Yeah.

He was great.

In 1992, gus was forced to retire

After a bad break with his prostate.

[sighing]

Aw, this is incred--

I can't take this anymore.

This is crazy.

Listen.

You know what I remember about gus?

How much he cared about family.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he didn't let the little things

'cause he knew what was most important in life: Family.

People who love you,

No matter how stupid you're acting.

You know, 'cause one day we're all going to be gus here.

With all the grudges and the petty little things

That don't matter at all?

Gus didn't let that happen to him.

That's why we're all here today.

That's it. That's all.

[applause]

Sorry about the yelling.

- Raymond, that was beautiful:

Simple and touching.

- It was more than beautiful.

It was-- extremely beautiful.

- What is your problem, marie?

I can't even say a word without you topping me.

- I can't help it. You're easily topped.

- You're a bitter woman, marie.

You're a bitter, bleached-blonde woman.

- Ohh!

You're just jealous of human hair.

About where I sat at a wedding seven years ago.

- I was so far away!

I am still waiting for my cake.

- That lousy cake was stale. - Yeah.

- Stale? You took two pieces home.

- Because you didn't invite my kids.

- Who else got cold veal? All: Yeah.

- And the portions were so small.

- Frank! All: Yeah.

- Cook me something, will you?

- And the band stank, marie.

- Okay, yeah.

And what about those cheap centerpieces?

And the champagne was flat.

- All right! Stop it! All right! All right!

Stop!

- [braying]

- All right, you and you.

Let's go. Now! Now!

- Well, what is it, ray?

- What is it? Oh, what is it?

Come here and sit down. Sit down.

Both of you, come here and sit down.

Didn't you hear what I said in there?

- You mean the eulogy?

- Yes!

- You know how I mentioned it was extremely beautiful?

That wasn't entirely true.

- Ma, you want to be in that box, dead,

Without ever making up with aunt alda?

- How come I'm in the box and not her?

- Answer!

- Ohh--I don't know.

- Aunt alda?

- Thank you for not putting me in the box, dear.

- Come on, so you never want to make up with mom?

- Well, I guess--

Oh, I don't know.

- Beautiful, two "I don't knows;" that's progress.

So you like--you like being this way?

- I--always thought there was time.

- How much time is there?

This is the time, now.

Now is the time.

Do it.

- I'm sorry, marie.

- It was my fault.

- Seven years.

- All that time wasted.

So much has happened.

- Oh, my god. They made up?

- Yeah.

- You did this?

- I can--do things.

- I had menopause.

- Me too.

- First a beautiful speech, now this--

Ray, I am completely turned on.

- Oh, sure, at a funeral.

- Hi.

- Oh, how are you doing, dear?

- Well, I'm good if you guys are good.

- Oh, thanks to raymond, I've got my sister back.

What's not good?

- Well, gus is dead.

- There is that.

- Well, as long as everybody is making up,

I forgive you too, aunt alda.

- For what, dear?

- You know, the wedding.

- What do you mean, dear?

- Oh, debra, debra--

- Well, all those complaints about where you were seated

And nobody dancing, everybody going home early.

- Oh, that was because of the cheap food.

- You never even sent a gift.

- My gift was that I came at all.

- What kind of a horse's ass gift is that?

- You'd be lucky to have a horse's ass!

- Ohh!

- Oh, raymond, see what she's doing?

No, you see, you've been doing that--

Seven years? It'll be 70 years!

- Some funeral, huh?

- Yeah.

- Sad. - Hmm.

- You want to do it?

- Tsk.

I might.