Original subtitles

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[grunting]

Where is it? Huh?

Come on. Where is it?

[clamouring]

[parent] Shit. [laughing]

You're so cute.

[business person] Oh, no. Silver is the new Bitcoin.

I'm telling you. It's going to the moon.

I'll see you in Monaco.

[clamouring, laughing]

Oh, my God!

[snoring]

[groaning, retching]

- [speaking German] - [groans]

[crying]

[gasps] Why? [cries]

[person outside stall sighs] You're such a knob. Such a knob.

Uh, you're being pathetic.

Get a grip. Get a grip.

[stall door closes]

[person urinating]

- Hello? - [gasps]

[urination stops]

Hello.

This is the gents.

No. Actually, it's unisex.

[urination resumes]

[crying, sniffling]

[urination continues]

[urination stops]

[toilet flushes]

[crying continues]

[person] Everything all right in there?

Yep.

- Fine. [gasps] - All right. Cool.

Cool.

[sobbing]

Uh, just to let you know, I haven't quite left yet.

I can't figure out how the...

- [water flowing] - Oh. [chuckles]

It was-- It was the wrong tap.

Excuse me. I'm trying to have a private moment.

- [water stops] - [person] My bad.

It's not that private though.

[patron laughing]

[muttering] Mouth. Oh.

- [patrons chattering] - [gasps] Huh?

[vocalising]

[patron coughing]

- No photos! [laughing] - Oh, my God!

You're so annoying.

- How are you feeling for later? - Good, yeah.

- You nervous? - Not nervous.

- Don't be nervous. - I'm not nervous.

- Anyway, where's Picasso? - [chuckles]

Aight, boom.

[friend] Probably being his low-key, humble self.

Babes, we know more about the planet Jupiter

than we do the inside of our own mouths.

That's facts.

Real talk, the mouth is the Stonehenge of the face.

Mind fuck, right?

All right. Well, thanks for coming.

- My brother. - [sighs] Hey.

- Appreciate you coming, bro. - Course, man.

Hey, love the photos. They're just so--

- Safe. - How's sales?

Yeah, couple potential nibbles.

See the hoverboard-riding geezer?

This close to payin' a G for a shot of my cousin Calvin's molars.

[both chuckle]

[artist] What's good, Wes Anderson? You cool, yeah?

It's good to see you out and about again, Dom.

- Good to be out and about. - Everything's...

Oh, everything's wicked.

Yeah, I started Pilates.

- Is it? - Yeah.

Uh, workin' on my core, workin' on me. You know, getting positive.

Aight. Do you, innit.

[chuckles] Cheers, man. Cheers.

Hey, so listen--

Shh.

You know what? I was about to dip.

Go mingle with some of these sockless wonders.

- Uh... - What?

You weren't about to bring up Eric and Gia, no?

- Have you seen her latest post? - No.

She's repainting walls I already broke my back painting.

- Tryin' to erase I was ever there. - It's just paint, my guy.

If it makes you feel any better, from what I saw,

they were only doing the living room.

Thought you hadn't seen the photo.

Aight, look, don't prang out.

They had this paint-party-brunch ting.

[laughing]

But I only stayed for 45 minutes, painted a tiny bit of a door,

ate half an almond croissant and bounced.

[laughing, chattering]

You went to brunch at our flat?

- [sighs] - Seriously, is nothing sacred anymore?

- Fuck! - [gasps]

[artist] You cool? 'Cause if you're gonna freak out,

I'ma sling a sign on you, call it performance art.

You cool?

- Yeah. - You're cool?

I'm cool.

Cool. Aight.

- Come here. - [artist] Oh, shit.

Let me see what's up with my girl real quick.

Be cool. Be cool.

[hoverboarder] This would look amazing in the boot room.

How you doin'?

Yeah, good.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Cool.

So, whatcha think?

- [Dom] The photos? - Mmm.

Yeah. Yeah. Amazing.

They have a real, like, cerebral feel.

Cerebral?

Yeah. Or maybe lyrical is a better way to--

Or expressive.

Wow. You know all the adjectives.

Now, this one, I fucking adore.

[Dom] Yeah, I love the way the tongue follows you around the room.

- So, do you know Nath or-- - Oh, I'm mates with his girlfriend.

Oh, cool. That's cool.

I know Cass. She's cool.

She is cool.

[chuckles]

We met at work. Me and Nath.

- Oh, you're an artist? - Oh, no. KFC. [chuckles]

Back in the day. I don't work there anymore.

[chuckles]

'Sup, my little fuck nuggets? [chuckles]

- [chuckles] - Basking in your genius, dude.

[Nathan] Oh, please. Continue.

This one's pretty special, innit?

Yeah, man. We were just saying exactly that.

- Yeah? - Yeah. [chuckles]

Why don't you treat yourself?

[clicks tongue]

Oh, no, bro, I just came to support you. I wasn't gonna--

Oh, come on. Help a brother out.

People see you coppin', might inspire them.

[sighs]

Look, I know you ain't payin' bills right now.

Man must have bare peas saved up.

I think it's very you.

Uh... [grunts]

Sorry, I kinda feel like that was my fault.

No, no, no, no. Nath kinda seemed like he needed the boost.

Plus, it's an investment.

When he blows up, I'll sell it on for a fortune.

[Yas chuckles]

- Well, anyway-- - You going this way?

Yeah, I was gonna-- Yeah.

Me too.

[vendor] Hey, guys! I've got chillies here, guys.

Chillies red, chillies gold, chillies green.

And I call them the traffic lights of the chilli scene.

Hey, Uncle.

[vendor] Ah! Here she is. My hot cup of cocoa on a frosty mornin'.

[laughs] I'll see you soon, okay?

- I'll be counting the seconds. - [chuckling]

I've got chillies fresh...

It's Dom, right?

I'm Yas.

Nice to meet you.

[both chuckle]

Eh? Okay.

So, where you off to?

What errands has your mum got you out here runnin'?

Oh, Nathan mentioned you don't pay bills, so I figured you still live at home?

I'm back. Back at home.

"Back" is important, otherwise it sounds like I never left, and I did.

Okay. Fair.

I'm actually cutting through.

Rye Lane Market?

- Yeah. Yeah. - [chuckles]

Lucky for you, I'm going this way anyway.

So, what do you do now you've escaped the clutches of the Colonel?

Like, with your post-KFC life.

Oh, I'm an accountant.

[sing-songy] Boring.

[Yas] Okay.

No free popcorn chicken, but still, that's like a proper job.

[chuckles] Yeah, it's not particularly glamorous.

- [Yas] No. - But I actually kinda love it.

So, is that what you've always wanted to do,

or have you got yourself some thwarted ambition burning away in ya gut?

- You know, you're very-- - Peng?

Refreshingly disarming?

- You ask a lot of questions. - I'm interested in people's messes.

- What makes you think I've got a mess? - Everyone has a mess.

Hi.

[chuckles]

Okay. Um...

[chuckles]

You know, I-- I think I did always wanna be an accountant.

Is that-- Is that weird?

Don't ask me. I wanted to be Prince when I was little.

Specifically, Purple Rain Prince.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

I made myself a little costume and everything.

[guitar riff plays]

[laughs]

[Yas chuckles]

So, are you the only wannabe accountant in your crew?

[Dom] All my mates thought they were gonna be footballers or YouTube sensations,

chilling on private jets, living extraordinary lives...

[Yas] Oh, private jets not your ting, no?

[Dom] Do you know how much they cost to run? Terrible investment.

- [Yas chuckles] - So, what about you?

What do you do anyway?

Me? Well, I'm a YouTube sensation.

[children screaming, chattering]

Nah, I work in fashion.

[chuckles] Hence the Prince costume.

- Exactly! - [chuckles]

So you're like a designer or--

Oh, you saying I couldn't be a model?

- No. I just-- assumed 'cause you-- - Uh-- Uh--

- I'm fuckin' with you. [chuckles] - Oh.

I am a buyer for an online brand that you wouldn't have heard of.

But I wanna design costumes. That's, like, the end game.

- [Dom] Costumes? - Yeah.

TV, films, music videos, ball gowns to alien queens to anything the fuck else.

But do you know how much these thieves wanna pay me

to be a bottom-level costume assistant?

I'm guessing not a lot.

Not a lot divided by fuck all. [chuckles]

Plus with your ting, the square root of ten is always, like, what--

3.16-ish.

Okay. I'll take your word for it.

But I can't just wake up and decide to be a costume designer.

I've gotta pay my dues.

And paying my dues means not paying my rent

or being able to afford cute cocktails.

And I like paying my rent, and I love cute cocktails, so...

[chuckles] Yeah, I know. I get that.

But I'll get there

eventually. [chuckles]

[chuckles]

- Oh. Oh. - [laughing]

Just put your feet up.

- No. I'm okay. - Okay.

- [chuckles] Oh! - [laughing]

[barking, growling]

Onwards they stroll.

Each step bringing them closer to their mystery destination.

Okay. But no judgments, yeah?

Mmm, sounds juicy.

- I'm not running errands. - Yeah, we're past that, babe.

I'm gonna meet my ex for the first time since the break-up.

Shit. And you're still calling it "the" break-up, meaning it's fresh?

Three months. But we were goin' out for six years.

Six years?

You could've become a fully qualified architect in that time.

Yeah. It was pretty bad.

It is pretty bad.

I went through the same sort of thing not too long ago.

Yeah?

We were only together for a year and a bit though--

Did you wake up every day and lie there trying to muster the energy to breathe?

No. 'Cause I finished with him,

so I just felt kind of relieved and empowered afterwards, you know?

[stammers] He was tryin' to dilute my squash,

and I was like, "Not today, Satan." [chuckles]

I'm sorry. Sorry.

No, no, no, no. I'm happy for you.

Must be nice being on that side of it, not that I'll ever know.

Hey, hey, I believe in your ability to completely destroy someone's life one day.

- Thanks. - Mmm.

Aight, so, she broke up with you. I know that much already.

Actually, it's still pretty hard to talk about the details, so...

Oh, okay, sorry. We don't actually--

The bit that really hurts, I thought we were fine.

We were better than fine. We moved in together.

We had Hamilton tickets. Stalls!

It's a serious commitment.

Right?

So go on. Spill the tea! What happened?

So we were goin' to the cinema.

[Yas] Oh?

I get there first, as usual, and I go buy the snacks.

Mmm, stuntin' on 'em.

You don't even understand how picky this girl is.

Hello. Hey. Um, can I get a number three with a medium sweet and salt popcorn

and, um, a diet cola please?

Um, uh, but can the sweet be on bottom? So it's like pudding.

I'm already ragin'.

Oh, sorry. Uh, not too much ice in the drink.

Like an inch. Specifically, uh, an inch.

And you gotta understand, I take cinema etiquette seriously.

Like, I won't go in once the film's started.

You gotta respect the code.

- [phone ringing] - So, I call Gia.

Hey, hey--

Shit. Sorry.

Um, just about to send you a message.

[clears throat] I know how anal you are about seeing the dumb trailers,

so just go in, and I'll be there in a bit.

But I figured maybe she had a bad day, so I'm just like...

Okay. See you in a bit. Love you.

[shutter clicks]

[gasping]

[Dom] And that's when I see it.

See what?

No. [sobs]

Wait.

Is that a dick?

- It gets worse. - [Yas gasps]

'Cause even though it was low res, I knew that dick.

That dick belonged to my best mate, Eric.

Yeah, eh, eh ♪

Yeah, yeah ♪

[school bell rings]

[Yas] That is so dead.

So, what'd you do?

What do you think I did?

- [Gia laughs] - [glass breaks]

[Dom] Eric! Eric!

[squealing]

- No, please-- [grunting] - [Gia yelping]

[breathes heavily]

Yes! Plot twist!

That is some next-level Omar Little shit.

I can't believe you did that. [gasps]

Yeah.

I didn't.

- [melancholy music playing] - [popcorn crunches]

[sobbing, sniffling]

That is one of the worst stories I've ever heard.

I mean, not from an entertainment perspective, obviously.

- It's a wonderful anecdote. - [sniffles]

[audience member shushes]

[sniffles]

[sniffles]

[Yas] And you're just casually off to see this girl now?

They wanna "clear the air".

- "They"? - Yeah, Eric's gonna be there too.

[Yas] No! Together?

Wild. [laughs] Wild!

- [TV announcer speaking indistinctly] - Wild!

[laughs] Wild. That's wild.

[TV announcer] That's what he does. He drops it to the far post.

- It's in! What a finish! What a finish! - [crowd cheers]

Today's pretty much the first time I've been out the house in three months.

Besides work.

And Greggs. I can't get enough of their sausage rolls.

- [child] Yeah, like this. - You're preaching to the choir, babe.

- [both chuckle] - Uh, me and my girls are addicted.

[radio show host] And now, we have Jeremy on the line,

who walked in on his parents having sex.

[Jeremy] Yeah, my dad told me he was looking for his contact lenses.

- I was like, "How'd it get there?" - [both laugh]

And where is this, uh, summit of doom taking place?

Il Giardino. There.

Used to be "our" place.

No. Absolutely not.

Text her, you can't make it.

We'll go to Laser Quest, merk some eight-year-olds.

Tempting, but I think it's actually something I need to do.

Like, I get what they did was peak,

but I have to take some responsibility, you know?

Like, not at all.

You're gonna let them off the hook after how they treated you?

Um, see, I don't think you're getting it. This is part of the process.

The process of you rolling over like a bitch?

Sorry. Too far.

It's fine.

Hey, why don't I come in with you?

We'll get tun up off caipirinhas, show them you don't give a shit.

This is like a proper, actual life thing, so no offence,

but I'm not about to take some random in there with me, am I?

Okay. Fair.

But it was nice chattin'.

Hey, good luck with not being a YouTube sensation.

Good luck with not havin' an extraordinary life.

[chuckles]

S-- Um...

[clicks tongue] Thanks.

[phone ringing]

[notes playing on keyboard]

Turn your coaster green for meat ♪

Turn your coaster red for no meat ♪

'Cause who doesn't want some meat ♪

- [Eric speaks indistinctly] - Silly one.

- [shutter clicks] - [both laugh]

Oh!

- Hey, babe! - [Eric] My bro!

[Gia chuckles]

[singer] But only before 7.00 p.m. ♪

- [Eric] Good to see you, man. [laughs] - [Gia chuckles]

Like happy hour ♪

[chuckles]

[Gia] We got here a bit early, and Eric was hungry,

so we ordered some bits for the table.

- Okay. - [Eric] My belly was rumblin', bruh.

People thought it was like a stampede of animals!

I was like, "No. It's my belly. I'm hungry." [laughs]

- [chuckles] Baby, chill. - [stammers]

- Oh. - [Gia clears throat]

So, how have you been?

Yeah, good. You?

- [Eric] Amazin'. Mm-hmm. - Yeah, really, really amazin'.

Amazin'.

Oh, shit.

So, see that coaster next to you? Keep it on green.

They just keep bringin' food over.

- It's just kinda mad. - Yeah, I know. I've been here before.

[Eric] Yeah, man, I'm never turning mine red.

They'll have to carry me out of this place. [chuckles]

Ooh. Try a croquette ting, man.

These make you cream!

I'm good. Maybe later.

[Gia] We're so glad you decided to come today, D.

Obviously, this isn't easy for any of us. You must have, like, a million questions.

- Uh, no, I don't-- - [waiter] Thigh?

- Pile it on, irmão. - [chuckles]

That's "brother" in Portuguese.

We went for a long weekend in Lisbon. So lit. [chuckles]

Yeah, you should go, actually. We saw a lot of solo travellers, so...

- [waiter] Thigh? - I'm good, thanks.

G, you're not good.

Next time, get it anyway, and then forward it onto my plate. [chuckles]

[chuckles] So, um, maybe I should start.

Basically, what we wanna come out of today

is just for us all to move forward properly.

Mmm. Preach, babe.

'Cause there's gotta be a shelf life on guilt.

Or is it gonna be a thing of every time we see something that reminds us of you,

we're gonna be all... [groans]

Do you know what I mean?

Um... [clicks tongue]

Okay, yeah, I-- I think I do have a question.

Great. Go for it.

Why?

Why did you cheat on me?

'Cause we weren't happy, Dom.

People grow apart.

- They grow up. They change. - Well, I didn't change.

I was talking about me.

I mean, this whole thing came as a surprise to me too, you know.

Like, one day I woke up and I realised, this just didn't make sense anymore.

But this did.

[Eric] You can't mess with destiny, bro.

When the stars align, the great conjunction happened--

- I'm starting to think maybe this wasn't-- - Sorry.

I was on a call with the New York office. I was like, "I gotta go!"

And they were like, "No!" [laughs]

Anyway... [gasps] You must be Gia.

Wow, girl, your profile pics do not do you justice.

[chuckles] I'm Yas.

Hi. I'm Eric.

Ah. He of the low-res cock.

- [spits] - [laughs] My rep precedes me.

[chuckles] Geez!

Thank you. Smells amazing.

[Gia] Sorry, I'm a little bit lost.

- You are... - Yas. Dom's...

Well, we're not really labelling it yet, are we?

But I guess we're just kind of low-key fucking at the moment.

Uh, we're vibin', so, you know...

- Okay. - [Yas] Who knows?

Okay, I see you, movin' up in the world.

- [Gia grunts] - [laughs]

Not up.

Um, I thought we agreed--

I know what I said, but I missed you, my sexy dumpling.

You guys don't mind, right?

- [clears throat] No. - Mm-mmm.

No, I-- I love that you're here.

Um, we actually ordered some bits for the table, so help yourself.

And try one of those croquette tings, it'll make you cream.

Geez!

[clicks tongue] Anyway, I wanna know everything.

Um, how-- how did you guys meet?

Oh, it's a pretty cute story. Do you wanna tell it, bub?

No, you, uh, go for it,

bub.

You guys heard of Nothin' But A G Thang?

It's this fire hip-hop karaoke night.

Me and my girls were there a few nights back.

And, you know, I was just chillin', fighting off an onslaught of dead guys.

And just as I'm thinkin',

"Rah, there isn't a single decent guy in this entire place," I hear...

- We have Yas! Come on! - [applause]

Turns out one of my girls put my name down as a joke! [laughs]

[emcee] How about we have ourselves a little duet?

And it was just this immediate, deep, animal attraction.

Palpable sexual energy crackling. Everyone in the room could feel it.

- [laughs] - Really?

- Yeah. - Yeah, really.

But, you know, calling it "a room" makes it sound kinda small.

[crowd cheering]

- [Dom] We lit that place up. - [fan] We love you, Dom and Yas!

- [Dom] People were losin' their minds. - [fan] I want your babies!

And there was just, like, this sea of people.

- Like a mini concert. - Mmm.

[Dom] And when we finished, the crowd started chanting...

[both] Dom and Yas. Dom and Yas.

- Yas and Dom. Yam and Yas. - Dom-Dom. Dom and Yas.

Dom and Yas! Yas and Dom! Dom and Yas! Yas and Dom!

[Dom] And they were screamin'...

[crowd] Encore! Encore!

[both] "Encore! Encore!"

[Yas laughing]

They were gonna tear the place down if we didn't go again,

- so we did, like, five, six... - It was 20.

- ...more songs. It was wild. - Mm-hmm.

[chuckles]

Well, that's gotta be, hands down, the greatest hook-up story of all time.

[Gia clears throat]

I have a question.

You did karaoke?

I guess you were right.

People do change.

- [waiters] Lamb? - Yeah--

- No! - [pounds on table]

- Thank you! - [Yas snickers]

[Eric] Oh, shit. D, guess what?

I got fired from the sports bar.

- [Gia chuckles] - [Dom] No.

- Baby... - Yeah.

...why you bringing that up now?

He used to work there. It's banter.

- Yeah. - [Eric] Yeah. You know how it was, like,

if you have to go to the staff loos by going down to the basement?

Got tired of doing that.

So, I just started pissing in Oasis bottles,

'cause you know that big rim, no spillage.

I stuck 'em all in my locker, and I kept on sayin', like,

"Just empty it. Empty it."

And manager caught me with, like, 18 bottles of piss in there.

I tried to say it was apple juice.

But he was like, "Nah, that's piss. I can smell it."

"Uh, yeah, it's piss."

I can't believe they fired you for that.

I know. They're, like-- They're super political there.

- [Yas] Mmm. - They're-- Yeah.

[laughs] Sorry, sorry.

I'm struggling with something here.

You cheated on Dom with him?

- Excuse you? - Yas--

No, I need to figure this out because it's baffling.

You dumped this funny, clever, successful accountant

for this jobless human bin-fire?

Oh, that hurts a little bit.

I mean, I get it, the arms are nice, but what do you even talk about?

Are you gonna sit there and let her say that shit to me?

Well, she said my arms are nice.

In hindsight, this was a terrible idea.

I was trying to give everyone some harmony

and allow everyone to live in their truths, but whatever.

[Yas] But you are living your truth.

You cheated on him with his best mate from primary school.

St John's, Dunloe. Buckeye! Buckeye-kye! La-la-la-la la...

[Yas] You tricked him into believing he'd found a person

that wanted to get to know him, like, properly,

and instead of realising what a gift that was,

someone baring their actual soul to you, you got scared.

And so you clicked reset

and moved on with the closest and least complicated option.

That is your truth.

And, by the way, your man swiped me on Tinder, like, a week ago.

- What? - Mmm. No, I didn't.

- I didn't swipe you. - [Gia] Give me your phone.

- Or anybody. - Now.

- I didn't swipe her. - [Gia] Eric.

- Phone. - [Eric] It's on rest mode.

- It's on sleepy mode. It's off. - [Gia] Now.

[Eric] Airplane mode?

I can't believe you just did that!

Did you see Gia's face when we were tag-teaming the karaoke story?

She was shook!

[chuckles] I feel good.

Man, where did that come from,

all that stuff about it getting too real for her?

Uh, don't know. I guess just everything you told me.

Well, you nailed it.

It's exactly what I've been wanting to say,

but I've been too busy rolling over like a bitch.

- I shouldn't have said that. - No, it's true though.

[whoops, laughs]

Oh, come on. I'm hungry. I'm hungry. Are you hungry?

- I don't know-- - Come on--

No, listen, you just rode to my rescue. It's the least I can do.

Anything you want, it's on me.

[groans] Fine.

[Dom laughs]

Which way? Which way? Which way? [chuckles]

Um.

I was thinking maybe there's this banging burrito place in Brixton we could go to.

This way?

This way. [grunts]

[both chuckling]

Time will only tell me an eternity ♪

I remember the first time we met ♪

♪ You had my heart wanting To disconnect from me ♪

Hearing your eyes say to me ♪

Come rollerblade with me ♪

[screaming, laughing]

Show me the ropes ♪

Hold tight and do not let go of me ♪

It was autumn back in '93 ♪

♪ The leaves were falling down Ever reluctantly ♪

♪ You had your hair long When the days were short ♪

[giggling]

Babe, that outfit? Tens across the board.

Oh. Thank you so much. [chuckles]

Do you know her?

No, but she looks fire, innit?

What's up, man? Cool kicks.

What?

Dickhead, man.

Suck your mum.

Yep.

[both chuckle]

So, moving back wasn't your first choice then?

No. [chuckles]

I tried the sofa thing, but it turns out, I'm a man who requires sheets.

Ah, so you're in it for the quality bedding.

[Dom] Honestly, it's like they never want me to leave.

They bought me a PlayStation.

My dad forces me on bike rides all the time.

My mum literally won't stop makin' me boiled eggs and soldiers.

Aw, you poor thing.

I swear I'm devolving.

You know, I can see you as a mummy's boy.

And my already fragile ego takes another blow.

Oh.

Why did you go? ♪

[balloons pop]

Why did you go? ♪

[balloons pop]

♪ Why did you go? Why did you go? ♪

[Yas laughs]

- Why did you go? ♪ - [music ends]

Why is that bad?

I mean, for me, a good relationship with your mum

is like the man equivalent of checking a dog's got healthy gums on Crufts.

Well, in that case, I'll own it. I am a mummy's boy.

Okay, it's less hot when you say it.

- [employee speaking Spanish] - Oh, shit, I haven't looked yet.

You trust me?

- [Dom] Mmm. - Yes, Colin.

We'll have two spicy porks with everything.

Hot sauce?

You know it.

I'm sorry. None for me, thanks.

Um, how spicy is the spicy pork? Like, out of ten?

Do you like spicy food?

Strong no.

Then, an eight.

In that case, I'll change mine to the chicken, please.

Although, it says mild. Is that mild-mild? Or...

Um.

[Yas] Mmm.

[phone ringing]

You gonna answer that?

[Yas grunts]

So, how was the blandest burrito ever?

[Dom chuckles]

Delicious.

- Hmm. Okay. Hmm. - [ringing continues]

Hey. Have I got food in my teeth?

[chuckles]

Nope. Fresh.

[chuckles]

How about me?

[laughs]

Squeaky clean. [laughs]

[skateboarder shouting]

One, two, three, four,

five, six, and change legs.

- [Dom] So, you and your ex. - [instructor] Lift up. Two...

[Yas] My favourite subject.

[Dom chuckles] Were you two living together then before you... [clicks tongue]

Uh, no. We weren't quite there yet.

Makes it easier, I guess.

Not having to chainsaw the flat-screen in half.

[clears throat] There's that.

Plus, I doubt there'd be a lot of, uh, bike rides

and boiled eggs if I rocked up home.

[Dom chuckles]

[Yas grunts]

[instructor] Four...

- [Yas] That will be me one day, man. - Five...

[Yas] Couple rich ex-husbands, menstruation a distant memory,

sat out in the park with both my legs behind my head.

It's just beautiful.

[instructor] Three.

[groans]

- Four. - [groaning]

- [Dom] That will be me. - Five.

Old but still thirsty.

[chuckles]

[instructor] Six...

[chuckles]

- [sighs] - [instructor] Change your legs.

So, before the Eric stuff, you had no idea you and Gia were done?

Nope. Thought we were all set. [chuckles]

[Yas] Really?

There wasn't a single moment?

A tiny crack in the beautiful pottery that was you and her?

I'm gonna need to think about that.

You go first.

When did you realise you and your ex were done?

Oh. There were probably a shitload of alarm bells I was snoozing through.

But if I had to pick a specific moment...

He don't wave at boats.

Say again?

[passengers cheering]

[Yas] If people on a boat wave at you, you have to wave back.

It's the law.

Tourism funds sex trafficking.

Hmm.

[ship horn blows]

[chuckles] What?

So apparently there are two types of people in this world.

The ones who wave at boats

and the ones who hate joy.

Which one am I?

Haven't decided yet.

Oh, so, I have thought about my writing-on-the-wall moment.

This still wakes me up at night cringin'.

[Yas] Ooh, this gonna be good.

[Dom sighs]

Okay, um, so, a while back, for our anniversary,

I wanted to do something special.

So I booked the place we ended up at on our first date.

Can't believe I filled in my eyebrows for this.

- [Dom] Late-night Morley's. - [vehicle passes]

I thought it would be cute and romantic.

A sweet little throwback...

[knocking]

Hey-yo, boss man! I need chicken!

[Dom] ...but apparently not.

Hey, you're a lucky girl, aren't you?

[smoke alarm beeping]

Anyway, that was the last grand gesture I tried.

Okay, I'm not even lyin', yeah?

That is literally my dream date.

In fact, if I had a restaurant, I'd call it "Nuggets by Candlelight".

- [chuckles] - [laughs]

- No, but I'm not even joking. - Loser.

How could she not find that cute?

I don't know.

But that is my side of the story, innit?

I bet Gia must have loads of writin'-on-the-wall stories about me.

And there you go again, trying to share the blame.

Well, I'm just saying, what if they actually are meant to be?

- Gia and Eric? - Yeah.

What if I'm the awkward hook-up story?

A funny anecdote in a future best man's speech?

Wow. That is insanely forgiving.

[clicks tongue] I know. Maybe you've just inspired me.

How chill you are about your ex.

Maybe it's time I tried that shit.

[chuckles] Hey. Not everyone can be this, uh, progressive. Takes talent.

[Yas laughs]

So, you were a grand gesture guy, then?

[Dom] Big time.

I once hid chocolates in my girlfriend's bed,

but they melted, and she thought I shit myself.

[Yas laughs]

[Dom laughing]

- I won't be doing that again. - [Yas] Uh-huh.

[dog barking]

We should go get a drink.

Definitely.

I'll make you miss your last train today.

Is it now?

- Mm-hmm. - [both chuckle]

No, but seriously, I can't. [sighs]

But if you're havin' a good time, you won't realise.

If I miss it, it's a night bus.

And if I'm lucky enough to survive that, it's a taxi.

Not an Uber, a taxi.

Yeah, but sometimes you just gotta say, "I'ma see what happens."

Like, fuck it. No plannin', balls to the wall,

just go where the breeze takes you.

"I'ma see what happens"?

It's good for the soul, trust.

So?

I got time.

Can I get a cranberry juice, a pint of lager

and a packet of salt and vinegar?

- [phone ringing] - Thank you.

- [dance music playing on stereo] - [patrons chattering]

Yas speaking.

Hey, this is Theresa from Upon Films. The costume designer.

Oh, hi.

Yeah, sorry to do this, but we're gonna have to shift you back half an hour?

Is that okay?

- You know what? - [credit card machine beeps]

- That actually doesn't work for me. - Thank you.

Is it cool if I reschedule?

Yeah, actually, we were hoping to make a decision today.

- Sorry. - Uh, okay.

- Love you. See you later, bye! - Yeah-- Uh--

- [chuckles, sighs] - Hello? Hello--

- Who's that? - Oh, that-that was Cass.

How is she?

Yeah, yeah, better.

Thank you.

Hey, I was, um, I was meaning to ask you.

- Do you really recognise Eric from Tinder? - Oh. [chuckles] No.

But you just know he's still on there, huntin'.

I'm guessing you're not on the apps, no?

Nah.

It's Valentine's Day at primary school all over again.

Oh, wait, let me guess.

Little Dom didn't get any cards.

- No. But you know who did? - [chuckles]

Lewis Younge, who had pubes at nine

and would punch people in the nuts for fun.

Why are guys like that always called Lewis? [laughs]

I know, right?

And now, everyone's only as good as their profile pic.

We're back to Lewis Younge and his drawer full of cards.

[inhales deeply]

Oh! You still haven't told me your break-up story.

Uh, it really isn't that deep.

No, no. You broke up with him and didn't look back.

That's iconic.

[retches, chuckles]

- 'Ey, 'ey, 'ey. - [Yas squeaks] Stop. Shut up. [laughs]

No, also-- also, dude, you met my ex.

Ah, oh. Okay. Fine.

We broke up because of A Tribe Called Quest.

- [Yas's ex] Aw, fuck! - Oh.

Hey, babe. How's your day been?

Mediocre with a sprinklin' of the entire universe trying to fuck with me.

Wait, wait, wait.

Jules?

Nathan's mate? The sculptor?

That's your ex?

Oh, he doesn't just sculpt.

He calls himself an artistic polymath,

which is just another term for being a cunt.

- But, yeah, him. - [chuckles]

Things were getting kind of stale,

so I decided to try and get things flowing again, you know?

Reawaken the magic.

Your breath.

That will be the homemade hummus.

- Listen. - [grunts]

You know how my head gets when I've been working on something new.

I will take some of that hummus on a cracker.

Please tell me you dumped his arse right there and then.

- Yeah!

- Right? - Get rid of him.

Nope. I took a big L and got this prick some fucking hummus.

I figured, a few sips of wine, some tunes...

- ["Buggin' Out" playing] - Wow!

Babe, feeling a bit sonically sensitive right now.

So, do you mind turning that shit, like, way down for me?

He called Tribe "that shit"?

You might wanna ration your disdain because there's more.

Hi. You're blocking the TV.

Oh, okay.

- [groaning, murmuring, coughing] - [Jules laughs] Interesting.

- Crocs. - Oh, fuck. Sorry. [chuckles]

[Jules grunts]

You know, I'm gonna forward you an article about how hip-hop's promotion of violence

continues to perpetuate problematic Black stereotypes.

[Yas] What?

[Jules moans]

And that's when it hit me.

I had become basic.

So, there and then, I came up with a simple ethos

to help guide me through all aspects of my life.

If you make the hummus,

you should get the head.

[Jules grunts] What the fuck?

- Yes! - [cheering]

- [Jules grunts] - Yes! Get in, get in.

[laughs]

So while that prick was washing smooshed up chickpeas out of his pubes,

I packed up any shit I had around there and bounced.

[cheering]

Only one snag.

In my rush to escape, I forgot--

No. Don't say it.

[Yas] My copy of The Low End Theory. [sighs]

Do you know what?

You helped me with Gia. I wanna do this for you.

Let's go find a record shop right now, and I'll buy you a new copy.

That is really sweet.

But I don't want a new copy.

- I want my copy. - Oh. [chuckles] Okay.

Why should he get to keep it? Especially when he doesn't appreciate how good it is.

Have you asked for it back?

So he can make me jump through a million hoops?

- No, thank you. - I can go round. Ask for you.

[laughs] Thank you, but he would love that even more.

Plus, he's not even in the country, so...

Ooh!

- Ooh! [laughs, mumbles] - What? What?

- Come on. - Where?

- Come on! - Oh. O-Okay.

- Yas, Yas. - [Yas whoops]

- Chill. - Hurry up!

And you're definitely sure he's away?

- Who's the girl? - She was his life coach.

Apparently, she opened his mind.

And then her legs.

She's got some dumb name, like Tabby or something.

That's a pretty dumb name, isn't it? Or maybe not for a cat, but...

- What? - No, nothing.

I'm just saying it's a dumb name, that's all.

How come you still got a key to Jules's place anyway?

I still got the key to my year-eight locker on here, okay?

- [sighs] - [siren wailing in distance]

Damn. He must've changed the locks.

Like I'm gonna break in.

- Fiona and Steve! - Huh?

My parents' next-door neighbours.

They always have a key in case of emergencies. Oh.

Someone must have a key for Jules's gaff.

[Dom stammers]

Come on. Are you coming? Come on!

- [chuckles] Yes. - [chuckles]

Jules's mums.

Like, "mums", plural. Janet and Tanice.

Are you sure you're down for this?

Yeah.

Mums love me. Trust.

Okay, well, just chill and keep them chattin', and I'll look for the key.

- What? - [doorbell rings]

I thought you were gonna ask for it.

I can't walk up and demand the key.

- We're gonna have to chat to them-- - About what?

- I don't know. - [door opens]

- Hi, Auntie. - [chuckles]

[squeals] You're joking me. Yas!

- [chuckles] - [Janet] Tanice, look who's here!

You are a sight for sore eyes.

- Girl! [squeals] - Come here!

- [squealing and laughing] - [Yas] Oh!

We were coming back from somewhere, and I desperately needed a loo.

And then I realised I was right by your place, so...

Oh, say no more. Come in and do your business.

- And you're gonna stay for a drink. - Who's that, then?

Oh, this is my friend Dom.

Room for one more? [chuckles]

Mmm.

You remember where it is, and make sure you use the good soap.

- [Yas] Yes. [laughs] - [both laugh]

Come, boy.

["You Will Never Find Another Love Like Mine" playing on stereo]

You'll never find ♪

As long as you live ♪

[party guests chattering]

Someone who loves you ♪

What's happening, everyone?

Tender like I do ♪

Help yourself.

But not the Wray & Nephews.

Oh, that's okay. I'm not really a big drinker.

Tyrese, come here, lovey.

Dominoes. Sick.

[child laughing]

Oh, I'll leave you to it.

You're in my seat.

And that was obviously a mistake.

[song continues]

[guest] Hmm.

Oh, no, no, no. Auntie said--

Okay, maybe a bit then. Cheers. [chuckles]

[grunts]

- [grunts] - You like the tunes?

Oh.

Yeah. Definitely. This is a bop.

Wouldn't think it'd be your ting.

- Oh, no. No, this is specifically my ting. - [grunts]

Yeah. Like a Sunday morning in Kingston type vibe.

- [grunts] - Jamaica. Not upon Thames.

[guest] So, what else you into?

Hip-hop, grime, trap, bit of Motown after one too many of these.

Hmm. You sound like a man who knows his music.

[clears throat] Pass your phone.

- Hmm? - Let's put some of your joints on.

Oh.

- Oh, no, people seem to be en-- - Anyone mind if we change the music?

- No, go ahead. - No.

Come, come. Come, come, come, come, come.

I don't think my phone's gonna connect to the Blue--

PIN?

Yeah, what is it again? Um.

Two, one, seven, three.

But, listen, uh, my tastes are pretty eclectic--

Don't worry, I'm gonna put it on shuffle.

I don't want to run away ♪

♪ But I can't take it I don't understand ♪

Oh. Obviously, this doesn't really have a-- a party feel, so...

["The Rose" playing]

Some say love, it is a river ♪

Sorry.

I listened to this one playlist a lot after...

That drowns ♪

Try it one more time.

The tender... ♪

["Sign Your Name" playing]

It's ridiculous.

Let it play.

Fortunately you have found ♪

Someone who relies on you ♪

We started out as friends ♪

Sign your name across my heart ♪

I want you to be my baby ♪

Sign your name across my heart ♪

I want you to be my lady ♪

[guest 2] Oh, okay.

[song continues]

[guest 3] Do you want another piece of chicken?

[guest 4] Yeah.

[guests laughing, chattering]

So, Peter. My guy. [chuckles]

Like I was saying a second ago, um,

we just need to get into Jules's flat for like a quick minute.

To, uh, liberate Yas's vinyl? [grunts]

- Yeah. - Hmm.

See? [clicks tongue] You get it.

You're old school.

[sighs]

- Old. - Good old.

You know what?

I think I remember Tanice mentioning somewhere special they keep valuables

and keys and such. Huh? [laughs]

[laughing]

- [glasses clink] - [both laugh]

[grunts]

- That marga boy you brought round... - [Yas] Oh, here you go again, Auntie.

[Janet] He ain't your type, baby.

Nah, he ain't.

[chuckles]

- Give us a hand. - Oh, don't-- don't worry.

- I'll take it in for you. - Oh. Aw.

- Let's go. - Okay.

The fuck am I doin'?

[sighs]

[Tanice] There must be some way you and Jules can work things out.

[Yas] It's never gonna happen, Aunties.

- I'm sorry. - [Tanice] Oh. But why?

- [Janet] But you were so good together. - [Tanice] Go on. Yeah.

Oh, I see. So you've set your sights elsewhere.

[Yas chuckles] You guys are funny. I've known him for, like, a day.

The only reason we're hanging out is because I heard him cryin',

and I felt sorry for him. That's it.

What?

[Tanice] I really think you should.

- What the hell do you think you're doing? - Uh, no, I wasn't--

Um-- It--

- Tanice. - I totally get how this must--

- [Tanice] Yes, babes. - Uh, but... [sighs]

- Peter said-- but, nah-- Auntie. - [Tanice] What's going on, babes?

[Janet] I caught this boy going through your knicker drawer.

What? See, I knew there was something off about you, ya little perv.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That is not what I was doing at all.

See, I was trying to find the key.

What key?

[gasps]

What have you done?

Wow, so that got...

- Real. - Yeah.

Sorry.

No, it's-- it's cool.

It actually was my fault. I was trying to steal some of Tanice's pants.

I knew it. [chuckles]

[sighs] We were so close.

Like, so close.

- I really thought we were gonna-- - All right, I heard you, okay?

Hmm?

[Dom] When I was upstairs, I heard you chattin'.

That was you in the toilet back at Nathan's thing?

And that's why we're hanging out today, 'cause you felt sorry for me.

No.

Uh, kind of.

That makes so much sense.

[Yas] But that wasn't the only reason.

I had an interview this afternoon

for a job doing costume on a low-budget film.

I didn't know whether I wanted to go.

And then they called me to push it back,

and we were having such a nice time, so I thought--

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Why wouldn't you wanna go?

A film? That's amazing.

Well, this would be my fifth interview since I finished my course.

I guess I wasn't really in the mood for another no.

Well, it might've been a yes.

Maybe.

So, are we cool? With the whole...

Crying thing?

Hey, listen, if I, um--

If I get your number, maybe we can chill again sometime or...

Definitely.

Next time, Laser Quest though.

Oh, you didn't enjoy kicking it at my ex's mums' gaff, no?

Oh.

- I'm gonna call an Uber. - Think I'll get the tube. Um...

- Cool. - Yeah.

[Dom chuckles]

[Yas chuckles]

- Hi. - [Dom] Hi.

[Tanice] Yas. I just had a thought.

That idiot Mona feeds Jules's succulents, so she's gotta have a key.

You fancy borrowing the beast?

["Vossi Bop" playing]

You all right back there?

Loving it.

So, this Mona who may have a key, they run the karaoke night?

Yeah.

And just a heads up, Mona can be a little bit... extra.

♪ Fuck the government And fuck Boris, yeah ♪

♪ I'm a villain Killin' when I'm barrin' ♪

♪ Brothers in the hood Just like the movie that I star in ♪

♪ Servicin' my whip I phoned the boss to bring my car in ♪

♪ I could probably take your chick But I just wouldn't 'cause she's jarrin' ♪

Oh, I got the sauce ♪

Don't know what you thought ♪

♪ Catch me up in the snow In my sliders and my shorts ♪

Chicks tryna get my brother Flipz... ♪

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. - I know the person who runs it.

Mona! Yo, Mona!

Uh, Dean, can you bounce this girl, please? She's mad.

- What? - Yeah, sure.

Joke, joke, joke, joke, jokes. Let her in.

[karaoke rapper] ♪ Brothers in the hood Just like the movie that I star in ♪

♪ Servicin' them whip And get my boss to bring my car in ♪

- Hey. - Hey.

♪ But I just wouldn't 'Cause she's jarrin' ♪

Oh, I've got the sauce ♪

- I don't know about that. - [Yas] We'll be in and out.

He won't even know we were there. So speedy.

Yeah, and then what happens if you can't help yourself,

and you end up doing something stupid,

like cutting all the crotches out of his jeans or taking a shit in his sink?

[laughs]

Why would I do anything like that?

- [chuckles] - [Yas sighs]

[Mona] Right, here's the thing.

I'm just struggling to understand what it is that I'm gonna get out of it.

How about the chance to do the right thing?

All right, it's not the fucking Avengers, darling.

- What do you want? - [Mona] That's on you, Yasmine.

But be creative, yeah? Because I'm so unbelievably bored.

I'm stuck here with these posers, dying of inertia,

while you two get to run around and shit in people's sinks.

What entertainment are you providing Mona in exchange for this favour?

[crowd booing]

Damn, this is some gladiator shit tonight.

- No. No. - Do you want those keys or not?

[sing-songy] Oh, my days, this is gonna be amazing!

Okay. Say stop.

Stop.

Oh!

Fine. We can do that.

"We"?

[emcee] Okay, our next victim. By special request, we got Yas and Dom.

Where you kids at?

[crowd chattering]

[mic feedback]

Just one second.

- What's going on? - I can't do this.

- Yes, you can. - No, no, no.

You're the girl who gives strangers compliments in shops.

I'm also the girl that ducked out of a job interview today 'cause she was too scared.

I thought it was 'cause we were having a nice time.

Yeah, don't worry. We got all night.

Honestly, Dom, this is crazy.

Just fuck the keys, fuck the record. Jules can keep it. Let's just go.

Don't worry. I got this.

["Shoop" playing]

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Hey, how's it goin'? ♪

[crowd member 1] I'm great.

♪ No, not you You, the bow-legged one ♪

- Mmm. - [crowd laughing, booing]

[Dom] What's your name? ♪

[crowd member 2] Get off, mate. You're rubbish.

Damn, baby ♪

[crowd member 3] Get out.

- That's sexy ♪ - [crowd booing]

♪ Here I go, here I go Here I go again ♪

- Girls, what's my weakness? ♪ - [crowd member 4] Men ♪

♪ Okay, then, chillin', chillin' Mindin' my business ♪

♪ Yo, Salt, I looked around And I couldn't believe this ♪

♪ I swear, I stared My niece my witness ♪

- [stammers] I, um... ♪ - [crowd jeering]

♪ Wicked, wicked Had to kick-- ♪

- [crowd booing] - Sorry, um...

♪ Then I flipped for a tip Make me wanna do tricks for him ♪

♪ Licked him Like a lollipop should be licked ♪

♪ Came to my senses And I chilled for a bit ♪

♪ Don't know how you do The voodoo that you do ♪

♪ So well it's a spell, hell Makes me wanna shoop shoop shoop ♪

- Shoop ba-doop, shoop ba-doop ♪ - [crowd member] Whoo! Yeah!

- Shoop ba-doop ba-doop ba-doop ♪ - [cheering]

♪ Shoop ba-doop Shoop ba-doop ♪

♪ Shoop ba-doop Um ♪

♪ You're packed and you're stacked Specifically in the back ♪

♪ Brother, wanna thank your mother For a butt like that ♪

♪ Can I get some fries With that shake-shake booty? ♪

♪ If looks can kill You would be an Uzi ♪

You're a shotgun, bang! ♪

What's up with that thang? ♪

- I wanna know, how does it hang? ♪ - [crowd cheering]

♪ Straight up, wait up Hold up, Mr Lover ♪

♪ Like Prince said You're a sexy motha-- ♪

♪ Well, I like 'em real wild B-boy style by the mile ♪

♪ Smooth Black skin With a smile ♪

♪ Bright as the sun I wanna have some fun ♪

♪ Come and give me some of that yum-yum Chocolate-- ♪

- Were we just 110% fucking lit? - I can't believe you just did that.

Hey, you're the one who just came on and absolutely smashed it.

Uh...

Uh, I was trying to kiss you on the cheek, and I missed--

- Were you? - Yes.

Sorry.

[knocks on door]

- [Dean] You can't be in there together. - [knocks continue]

Whoo!

[horn honks]

- Whoo! - Whoo!

What are you doing?

I got over-excited.

Who is that?

I don't know.

Why is he following us?

- Go faster! - [screams]

- [vocalises] - Oh, shit!

- I told you. He ain't here. - [sighs]

Hey, hey. You gonna get the record or...

I gotta wee.

Okay, but just don't touch anything, yeah? Fingerprints.

- Okay. [laughs] - [laughs]

[door opens, closes]

♪ Da-doop Shoop ba-doop ♪

Shoop ba-doop ba-doop ba-- ♪

- [sniffs, exhales deeply] - [door closes]

That's how I imagine Obama smells.

Is that cedar-wood?

What is that?

A Mooncup.

- Probably Tabby's. - Yeah, I guessed that.

Jules used to make me hide my tampons in my make-up bag.

He has a thing. He says it puts him off brushing his teeth.

That is wild!

Yeah, but apparently Tabby's just welcome to leave her shit on display!

[grunts] I need a drink. You wanna a drink? I want a drink.

Yas. Yas? Yas!

Hey! Listen, we probably shouldn't--

Oh! That is a sexy V60.

I get it. You got a boner over his gaff. It's nice. It's cute.

Yas? Yas, where you going now? Just--

I just need to check something. One sec.

[footsteps departing]

[gasps]

- How is that even a sculpture? - [clattering]

- I knew it. She's fucking moved in. - So?

Three months they've been together.

And look. All of her underwear looks like this.

Seriously, you'd have to sew 15 of these together

to get the pants I'm wearing right now.

- Why do you care? - I don't.

If she wants to be plagued by yeast infections, it's none of my business.

[keys jingling]

- Shit! Come on. [claps] - [door opening]

- This way, this way. - Fuck.

Nepalese or Peruvian?

[Tabby] Ah, I could murder a seviche right now.

- Hon? - Mmm?

Did you leave the lights on?

[sighs] Must have been Mona.

Oh.

Ugh.

[Jules] Uh, what the fuck is in my rice?

Is that my Mooncup?

Ugh, okay. I do not get Mona's sense of humour.

[bottle rattles]

[whispers] Someone's here.

- Get your rape spray. - They made me chuck it.

It was over a hundred mils!

- The fuck I'm gonna do with that? Fuck. - Well, I don't know.

[deeper voice] Yo!

Don't let me catch you up in this crib, 'cause I'll straight up end you.

- You get me? - You should try and sound more scary.

[normal] What do you think I'm trying to do?

- Shh. - Oh, God.

Surprise.

Yas?

- Hey. - Wow!

[Tabby] As in your ex, Yas?

What is she doing here, Julian?

Puttin' Mooncups in my rice and stealing your thongs apparently.

I wasn't stealing it. I was actually just trying it.

- [Tabby] Well, now you've stretched them. - [mouthing words] My bad.

I have to give it to you, man. You are tenacious in your madness.

I change the locks, and you still find a way to break in

and bring your drama into our flat?

Our flat now, is it?

Yes, actually, this is our safe space which you've literally invaded.

Hello. Hi. Hello.

Sorry, this is all a massive misunderstanding.

We didn't break in. We got the key from Mona.

And we only came to get Yas's album.

- The Low End Theory? - Never heard of it.

Yeah, they probably don't play it on basic bitch F.M.

Oh, wow. Okay, that was really uncalled for.

Babe, are you gonna call the police? Because I'm done with this toxic energy.

[Dom] No, no, no, no, no, no. Listen.

The-- The record has sentimental value.

If we can just grab it, we'll bounce.

Listen, you seem like a nice guy, so let me give you some free advice.

- Run. - [scoffs]

[Jules] 'Cause she will ruin your life, trust me.

That's unnecessary, man.

No. That girl is a human quagmire.

That's a bog.

- People know what a quagmire is, babe. - Yeah, no. I know.

- But they might not understand your arty-- - Can I finish?

She will drag you down into all her petty shit

till you're struggling to breathe.

My petty shit?

When we were together, everything was about you.

How many gallery openings did I go to?

Or dead poetry nights, smiling along

as you and your artist mates talked about how underappreciated you were.

You wouldn't understand the creative struggle.

[chuckles] Okay, fine.

[Jules] You know, she thought she was gonna be a big-time costume designer.

Used to stay up all night, doodling away in her little pads.

How is that going by the way?

Babe. Babe. He's trying to steal our shit.

- Little thief. - [Dom] Oh, come on, man.

You don't even care about this. Just let her have it.

Oh, snap!

You're properly into her, aren't you?

Mate, she's already got you breaking and entering.

You really think this is gonna end well?

Not just breaking and entering.

She had me rapping to a room full of people earlier

and racing about town on the back of a moped.

- Your mum's moped, actually. - What?

They lent it to us after they caught me sneaking around her underwear drawer.

Seriously, what is it with you two and other people's underwear?

[whispers] Yeah, that is a bit weird.

In answer to your question, I don't know how today is gonna end.

But, as weird as it's been,

it's also kind of been one of the greatest days ever, so...

Even being on the back of the moped?

No, I hated that.

[sighs] Aw, that is actually really cute.

[Jules] Are you done?

- 'Cause I'd like my property back now. - It's not yours though, is it?

- Oh, seriously, don't be confused. Yeah? - What's the--

Just 'cause I know how to rock a kimono doesn't mean I can't fuck you up!

Hey, hey, hey. Listen. You don't wanna fight me.

Your hands are your tools, and I have a notoriously bony face.

So, we'll be leaving now, with the record, but it was lovely to meet you both--

- [gasps] - Oh. Oh, my God.

I posed for that for weeks!

- Oh. Oh, I am so, so, so-- - [inhales deeply]

- [grunts] Ah, fuck! - [Yas] Are you--

What are you doing? Why did you do that?

- [Dom] Whoa! - Stay away from my man!

- I don't want your-- - No! No!

- You're a psycho! - What's your problem?

Everybody, please watch the fucking art.

[pants]

You know, I actually felt guilty about how it went down between us.

But now, I know I made the right decision dumping your arse.

[scoffs]

Yas? Yas!

Wait, I don't understand. He dumped you?

Yeah.

- But you told me-- - I know what I told you.

Come on. You loved that I dashed him. You said I was iconic.

- That's what I thought actually happened. - Me and you had literally just met.

I didn't think you wanted to hear my whole sob story.

- You made me tell you mine. - It didn't take much persuading.

No. Sorry. Look.

You're trying to turn this around on me for being too truthful?

Fine. You really wanna hear all the grimy details?

I sat around in the same pair of joggers for weeks,

cryin' into Greggs sausage rolls, leaving cringy, begging voicemails.

And as if that wasn't enough,

I accidentally liked a photo of Tabby from five years ago on her mum's Facebook.

So, Jules told all our friends I was a stalker,

and every single one of them, except for Cass, believed him.

That's really shit. But why wouldn't you just tell me that?

I'm not good at this, Dom.

Can we just go get a beer and start over, please?

I can't.

Why not?

Because you lied to me from the jump.

At least Gia waited a while.

I'm not Gia.

- I know. I know that. - I didn't fuck your best mate.

I just curated my shit a little bit. Big fucking deal.

Maybe you should try it. Maybe then you'd have a few more cards left in your drawer.

Maybe, but at least I'd still be real.

You win. God, there's nothing realer than being in your twenties

and still wanking away in a single bed at your parents' house there, is there?

Coming from the girl who literally just broke into her ex's flat

so she could see him again.

This is wild. You're trying to make out like I'm not over Jules

when Gia lives in your head rent free.

Hey, how about we go find a toilet so you can have a big cry in it.

["Igoyh" playing]

♪ Sipping on my lemon and ginger And I can count the times ♪

Night bus! Whoop-whoop!

When things weren't wonderful ♪

Whoop.

[horn honking]

But worthwhile love is a handful ♪

I mean when I say ♪

You're beautiful ♪

♪ Don't waste your tears On those images ♪

♪ You have too many years ahead of you And not too many before you ♪

[sighs]

Darling ♪

Let go of the hurt in your heart ♪

Baby, I've said from the start ♪

I'm here beside you ♪

[phone dings]

Took too long to find you ♪

♪ I'm not goin' anywhere I'm not goin' anywhere, no ♪

Times have been hard ♪

And in those instances ♪

Our feet are trottin' broken glass ♪

Don't forget ♪

What we already have ♪

We can keep going ♪

But hold on to what we have ♪

[groans]

Dom.

Steve McQueen is a genius.

[theatre patron] Facts.

Are you stalking me?

Y-Yes. No. No, I'm not stalking you.

Just, from behind, you kinda look--

You-- You look like someone, so...

Sorry, you don't care, and I wasn't looking at your behind. I'm just--

[Dom's date] It's so rustic here. I love it.

No, it's really cute. It's, like, heroin-chic. I love it.

Darlin' ♪

- Let go of the hurt in your heart ♪ - [sighs]

Baby, I've said from the start ♪

I'm here beside you ♪

- [Dom] Oh, I-I like wine. - [Dom's date] Yeah?

Yeah. I'm on beer tonight, but...

Yeah, I noticed. That's okay.

[both laugh]

[intercom beeps, rings]

[receptionist, on intercom] Hello! Upon Films.

Hi, it's Yas. I have a twelve o'clock meeting with Aman?

[pop music playing on radio]

[Cass] Is this where the big-time costume designers hang out?

Congratulations!

[blows party horn]

[deejay, on radio] Twenty years ago today, Linda and Ken signed their names

- across each other's hearts. - [driver] Dom?

Yeah. Cheers, mate.

[deejay] This one's for you, Linda. I love this smooth classic.

[singer, on radio] Sign your name across my heart ♪

I want you to be my baby ♪

[phone dings]

- [Cass] Please come. Please. - [Yas] No. No, leave me alone.

I don't need all this pressure to go to Nathan's new show

- and be like, "Fancy bumping into you!" - [blows party horn]

It's just like, do I really wanna put myself through that? No.

I don't need to be listening to him bang on about his ex

whilst looking at a bunch of arses.

No offence.

Get ready to rock 'n' roll.

Mum, I'm a big boy. I'll be fine.

D-Do you wanna put that in the back?

No, I'm good.

Okay.

You know what? My boy.

[horn honks]

Bye, Dom's mummy and dad. Love you.

Fine. Maybe I could have been a bit more vulnerable, you know? Let him in a bit.

But that's a bit... [retches] Like... [retches]

[chuckles] I used to believe in all that fairy-tale,

"Of all the toilets in all of London, I walked into his" type-bullshit.

But that's not fate. That's just poor bladder control.

I wouldn't mind the toilet, actually.

[Yas] And also, it was day one.

I mean, I've had a longer relationship with the woman who threads my eyebrows,

and me and her, well--

Well, me and her, we don't really talk about anything.

I wasn't even that into him.

- I mean, was he nice? Yes. - [Dom shouts]

Did I feel comfortable around him? Yes. Was it ever going to work? I don't know.

Maybe, but that's life, and, you know, I love being single. Like so much so.

- Course you do. - Hmm?

You know, for a lad you're not that into, you do talk about him a lot, love.

- No, I don't. - You do.

- I don't. - You do.

- [director] So, I was thinking. - I don't.

She's just been through this huge battle,

but she's also been through an internal battle.

Do I?

[director] You know, sort of figuring out that this guy is actually pretty special.

This needs to be iconic. It's the end of the movie.

He deserves, like, some kind of grand gesture, you know?

["Blow You Away (Delilah)" playing]

We know more about Neptune than we do about the human anus.

Yeah?

That's a fact.

Last night, I was at this soirée with the white brother from Twilight.

Yeah.

He was telling me my next ting should be toenails.

- Toenails? - Yeah.

[breathes heavily]

[muttering]

[laughs]

You're such a knob.

[person in bathroom stall] Uh, sorry?

Sorry, not-- Sorry, not, just, uh...

Actually, not gonna do this again. I'm leaving now.

[song continues]

Hey, babes.

I beg you, let me buy the hairy one.

- Not gonna happen, babe. - Please.

- [Gia] Absolutely not. - [Eric] Please.

[Gia] No.

That's mine, in case anyone was wondering.

Nice.

It's okay, Dom. You can look.

Nah, I'm-- I'm cool.

- So-- - She's not here.

[Gia] What happened?

You and Yas were annoyingly perfect for one another.

Mm-hmm.

I don't think either of us were ready.

And, um, I guess she still isn't.

[Eric] Oh, shit.

Babes, they're bringin' out the new "canaps."

- Uh-- - Let's go.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Go on. Go on.

Just have a sneaky look.

No.

It'll cheer you up.

Mmm, I'm not looking at your bum.

It's got healing powers.

Leave me alone.

[Cass] That's mine, by the way.

[phone ringing]

- [Yas, on phone] Uh, hey. - Hey.

[Yas] Um, I was prayin' that you weren't gonna pick up.

Thought I'd be too busy wanking away in my single bed?

[Yas groans] Turns out, I was the wanker.

Um, a-are you at Nathan's show?

Yeah. But you're not.

[Yas] Actually, I should be by any second.

Oh, cool. It'd be good to see you.

- Cheers. - [Yas] Yeah?

Turn around.

[Yas chuckles]

That's you, right?

[ship horn blows]

[Yas chuckles]

[ship horn blows]

[Yas laughs] I knew you were a boat waver!

Wait, is that you?

Yeah.

What are you doin'? You're miles away.

[Yas] Come down and meet me.

[ship horn blows]

Please?

Listen, I'm really sorry for all the shit I said. I was a dick.

I was being overly sensitive.

Can you stop being nice? Please. I'm trying to explain.

The thing is, that day at Nathan's thing, I just--

I didn't wanna be sad anymore.

And so, I lied.

And then you called me iconic.

And I liked that you saw me that way, so I kept on lyin'.

Come on. It wouldn't have mattered. I'd think you were cool either way.

- [Yas] Yeah. - [Dom chuckles]

I know that now.

[Dom, on phone] Maybe we can start over.

Yas! Wait. Where you going? Yas! Wait!

I'm on a fucking boat!

[Dom laughs]

[chuckles] Sorry. Sorry.

Why are you on a fucking boat?

'Cause I figured you deserve the grand gestures for once, bub.

- [laughs] - [Yas laughs]

What's happening?

Right. Yeah, I didn't-- I didn't actually check what route this is taking, so--

Stay where you are. I'm comin', okay?

[Yas] I don't really have a choice.

And just so you know, I still think you're iconic. [laughs]

I'm coming, Captain!

- [laughs] - [Yas laughs]

[sighs]

Where are--

- [chuckles] - [Yas chuckles]

Hey.

Hey.

So...

- Do you wanna-- [chuckles] - Do you fancy-- No. [chuckles]

You-- You go.

I was just gonna say, do you wanna--

[Dom] Go ahead.

I was just gonna say...

Do you wanna go for a stroll?

Yeah.

But you do have to make the last train though, right?

Nah.

I'ma see what happens.

- [Yas laughs] - [Dom laughs] Oh. Oh.

[Nathan] Aight, boom.

We could ♪

We could keep it simple ♪

♪ Towering over us Like a Rothko ♪

It doesn't have to be ♪

Complicated ♪

Educated ♪

I know you like to travel ♪

♪ We already got our passports In the bag ♪

♪ We don't have to go Anywhere ♪

Let our love unravel ♪

♪ Could you be The best I've ever had? ♪

♪ Seems like You've always been there ♪

♪ Treat you like a queen You won't forget ♪

♪ Spend some time, love You won't regret ♪

Oh, open up ♪

♪ Oh, open up to me And I'll give it all to you ♪

We could keep it simple ♪

Playful ♪

♪ Tumblin' over dust Like dominoes ♪

It doesn't have to be ♪

Complicated ♪

Educated ♪

I know you like to travel ♪

♪ We already got our passports In the bag ♪

♪ But we don't really have to go Anywhere ♪

Let our love unravel ♪

♪ Could you be The best I've ever had? ♪

♪ It seems like You've always been there ♪

♪ Treat you like you Won't forget ♪

♪ Spend some time, love No regrets ♪

Oh, open up ♪

♪ Oh, open up to me And I'll give it all to you ♪

♪ Treat you like you Won't forget ♪

♪ Spend some time, love No regrets ♪

Oh, open up ♪

♪ Oh, open up to me And I'll give it all to you ♪

[vocalising]

And I'll give it all to you ♪

Oh, open up ♪

Oh, open up ♪

Oh, open up ♪

- Open up ♪ - Open up, oh, open ♪

♪ Treat you like you Won't forget ♪

♪ Spend some time, love No regret ♪

Oh, open up ♪

♪ Oh, open up to me And I'll give it all to you ♪

Oh ♪

Give it all ♪

[vocalising]

Open up ♪

[laughing]

[film crew laughing]

[groans]

[laughs] Oh, shit!

♪ Treat you like you Won't forget ♪

♪ Spend some time, love No regret ♪

Oh, open up ♪

♪ Oh, open up to me And I'll give it all to you ♪

Oh ♪

Give it all ♪

[vocalising]

Open up ♪

[laughing]

[film crew laughing]

[groans]

[laughs] Oh, shit!

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