Original subtitles

You could learn how to do that.

Shoving a butt plug... butt plug in the asshole... asshole of your mind.

- I'm enlightened now.

- I'm enlightened now. - In the asshole of your mind.

I need light.

- Or plants. - I'm enlightened now.

What, my chonchichi?

Bed? No.

Clancy, I found a planet that you'll like.

We'll see about that.

Norval 8.

This planet has rivers of wine and mescaline fruit.

That parrot would make a great interview.

Oh, I'm sorry. Maybe you didn't hear the song, but...

I'm enlightened now! Ah! I got enlightened! Uh!

What about Lensor-Didor?

The planet of waterslide parks and trampolines...

I'm enlightened now!

-Okay, what about Planet Blank Ball? -Perfect.

I made you some boring avatars, Enlightened One.

Thank you.

- -Do you like them?

Yeah...

I made one that looks just like you, except it's made out of cream.

-Is that cool? -Mmm.

Yeah.

Send me down to Planet Blank Ball, boy!

As you wish.

Merging with simulator in... Are you chewing gum?

- -Thank you, Master.

-Love you, bud. -Two...

one...

It really is just a big, blank ball.

Oh, God, fuck this. Let's spice this ball up!

Hey, man.

Oh!

Hey, man, you got a hose for this thing?

I'm all chafed.

You don't talk?

Okay, that's cool.

There's got to be one in here.

I've just got to remember where I put it.

Yeah!

Whoa!

Wow.

Damn.

That's a lot of stuff.

What's up, baby?

Who's there?

Must ask questions.

So much mystery.

Perfect for spacecast.

I am Death.

It's nice to meet you. My name's Clancy.

Sorry, I had something in my throat.

Hey, would you like to be interviewed for my spacecast? It's a space blast.

It goes into space.

I... guess.

But before we start, you need to describe my form

so I can manifest.

- Huh? - Describe me.

What does Death look like to you?

Uh, all right, 14 feet tall with nice hair,

one fun eyeball, a crab claw with a fancy jeweled glove, a bat wing,

one clown leg and all that in a child's red wagon.

- Is the wagon a part of me? - Yeah.

And your butt is a rhino back half with a food force field,

and the rhino's legs are always standing in poop.

I think we need to simplify this.

Oh, okay.

Lose the middle and that gross boy with the handles for hands.

I didn't ask for that.

Try putting that crab claw back, but smaller.

Now you can push along on the ground.

This isn't very practical.

Okay. Well, how about you add a jet pack?

I'm not like "creepy Death" anymore. I'm just like...

All right, how do you feel about just being a normal Grim Reaper,

but keep that fun-looking eyeball?

You look cool.

Mind if we can start the interview?

Oh, yeah.

I'm gonna start recording.

- Hey, that's my hose! - Huh.

Ha ha!

Fuck! That little tart baker took my hose.

You mind if we walk and talk so I can get the hose back

-for my waterslide? -Sure.

- So you're Death. - Mm-hmm.

Losing people to you is so painful.

It is.

Do you have any advice

for people who are dealing with death in their own lives?

Yeah. So the best thing you could possibly do for yourself in your entire life,

I think, is be super present for those moments.

-Yes! -Like, 100% in,

like, sitting with the dead body

or 100%, like, sitting with the placenta

and the newborn, mewling, covered-in-mucus baby.

Yes.

These are the moments of primal reality

-that we don't get in our daily lives. -Yeah. Mm-hmm.

And they're actively kept from us.

By an elaborate system.

What is that system?

This seems truly like the conspiracy nobody talks about.

Yeah, it's one of my favorite conspiracies,

is, like, the death industrial complex.

What is this? Can we talk about this?

Well, I can tell you for death and I can tell you my theories.

Which, I don't even know if they're theories. I think they're facts.

-I'll put them out there as facts. -Cool.

So, what happened, it really happened around the turn of the 20th century.

So you had...

And keep in mind...

...this is primar...

The extent to which it happens is an American convention.

Oh.

- It's a United States convention. - Yeah.

It happens to some degree in many other places in the world,

but the US is really the king.

It's the mafia don of this kind of cover-up of death.

Sorry. I'm sorry. I don't mean to interrupt you.

Can you tell me what these tart-baking mirrors are?

Sure.

This is a trial of judgment.

All these mirrors reflect parts of yourself that you're ashamed of,

stuff you try to hide from yourself. You have to forgive them.

-Forgive them? -Sure. This is a good icebreaker.

Hmm.

Huh?

So during the American Civil War, you see the rise of embalming,

which is chemically treating a dead body,

which keeps it fresh a little longer, staves off decomposition a little longer.

Was this... Was this because people were dying far away from home

-and they wanted... -Exactly. Exactly.

So the history is that you had all these Northern soldiers going down to the South,

dying on the battlefield.

It was really important in the Protestant ethos of the time

- that you see the dead body. - Hmm.

So the train conductors were getting all these decomposing corpses

on their train and they would go,

"Nope, kick 'em out. We're not doing this anymore.

You can't pile up your decomposing corpses in my train."

Holy shit, a sax man.

That's Judgment.

Wow, I was just thinking, "I wish there was a sax man around."

So you had these enterprising young men, who were embalmers,

who would follow the battles, battlefield to battlefield,

like ambulance chasers.

-Whoa. -Going to the battles

and setting up their tents.

They would prop up abandoned bodies

that they had embalmed from the battlefield

to show their work, as little advertisements,

like window advertisements for their skills.

- Wow. - And you would pay them

to basically, at that time, disembowel the body,

put some arsenic in the body to preserve the body.

Arsenic's a preservative?

-Yeah, it's a preservative. -Huh.

They don't use it anymore, 'cause it's terrible, but...

Now they use formaldehyde. But at the time, they used arsenic.

Huh.

- Hey, that's my hose. I need it. - Ha ha!

Grow up.

So what I was saying, it was a dangerous job

and they would send the body back up north

and it would preserve it for that period of travel,

which was an interesting innovation.

So, wait, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

This is a lot of information...

...and it's really...

That's the bit... that's the intro. We haven't even got to the explanation.

Give me that!

You're gonna die after stepping on a ping-pong ball.

Okay, okay, so, you would get your...

-Your uncle would come in a train... -Yes.

...stuffed with arsenic?

Not... Stuffed with sawdust, actually. At the time, the embalming was...

They would disembowel you,

meaning they removed your internal organs,

'cause that's really where decomposition happens

is in the gooey middle part of your body.

So they would disembowel all your organs,

they would stuff you with sawdust or something to keep you...

...you know, your stomach extended,

and then they would fill your body, your circulatory system,

with some kind of preservative.

Whoa!

They're doing this and it's actually sort of a sensible innovation for the time.

People want their dead sons back

and they get their dead sons back because of this process.

- Yes. - But what happens

is that these same men are going, "Wait a second. The war's over now,

but this is my business. This is what I do now.

So we have to convince the rest of the country that embalming is the way to go."

Whoa.

And so these men set out, they go across the country,

they're selling their wares.

They're kind of like Amway salesmen at first.

They're going town to town, holding three-day embalming courses,

saying, "Come on down, learn how to embalm."

- That makes sense, yeah? - I like this guy.

The real trick of it, the real thing that really worked,

is at the turn of the 20th century,

they really started to push the idea, based on, now, very bad science...

And, honestly, it was already bad science at the time.

It's that the dead body is dangerous...

-Yes. That's what I thought. -...in some way.

Unless the person who died had Ebola or avian bird flu

or some... one of these incredibly rare, wildly infectious diseases...

-Plague. -...in which case,

the CDC would come collect them immediately and take them for cremation.

They wouldn't be going to a normal funeral home...

-Save some money that way. -Yeah, you know, "Did your dad have Ebola?

That sucks, but, good news, the government's gonna take care of it."

So unless that's the case,

your body almost instantly becomes far more safe...

Ow, ow, ow!

There you go.

...the second that it dies,

because not only are the viruses and the bacteria dying off pretty quickly...

-Those don't live in your body that long. -Huh.

Also, the things that are infectious about a sick person or a dying person are what?

- Coughing, sneezing, pooping, bleeding. - Whoa.

-All these things that get you... -Right!

...they'd stop doing that when they were dead.

So that's a positive.

You know, as far as keeping your safety intact.

- Mmm. Wow. - But if you're able to, say...

keep your dad under hospice and wash him and dress him

and do all these things...

he's... You know that he's completely safe.

-Right. -And nothing changes when he dies.

-It's the same thing. -It's the same thing, if not safer.

So it's like... Oh, my God. That is so creepy.

And keep in mind, humans were doing this,

taking care of their own dead in this way,

for tens of thousands of years of human history.

This is just the norm.

It's only been in the last, honestly, 100, 120 years

that what happened is, these embalmers...

...these same men we were talking about,

were really able to push the idea...

...that what they were doing by embalming the body

-is making it safe for the family. -Holy shit.

Disinfecting it. Making it acceptable and safe for the family to see.

- Right. - So whereas before,

it was mostly women...

who were in the home, just washing the body

and waking the body and laying it out,

now, all of a sudden, you have men coming in who aren't part of the family,

who are different professionals, saying, "It's not safe for you to do it.

We're gonna need to come get the body,

prepare it through this process of embalming

and charge you for it."

Holy shit. Did you say "waking the body"?

"Waking" meaning, like, viewing the body,

-laying it out... -Oh, okay.

...for the family to come around and hang out with it, basically.

So, all of a sudden, it now starts to, in the early 20th century,

move towards this...

this financial model.

Oh, nuts.

Where was I?

Oh, right.

This capitalist model of death...

...where you have to turn your body over to a funeral home to take it...

drain the blood, put in the chemicals...

Wow.

...put on the makeup, put him in a suit and essentially sell your dad back to you.

Wow.

They can't necessarily let people know...

And what I do primarily is I advocate for something called home funerals...

...which is not that complicated.

It's just you taking more initiative with the death.

Hey, you going somewhere? Can I come along with you?

Hell, yeah.

Yeah, sure.

I love this type of shit.

Yeah. So say your dad dies at home on hospice.

You don't have to call anyone right now. It's not an emergency.

He's not decomposing immediately.

He's not getting dangerous.

- Wait a sec. - I need the hose.

He's dead now. He's gonna be dead two hours from now.

- For my slide. - Everything's okay. It's not an emergency.

And just, to the degree that you feel comfortable,

sitting with that primal reality, as we said,

sitting in that moment.

-Wow. -Feeling the feelings that come out

and only calling the funeral home when you feel ready.

Well, it's kinda too late for me.

Both my parents are friends of yours, I guess you could say.

Come on!

Get back here, you little hose thief!

You know both time... Both parents... Wow.

Both parents passing, it was just...

very...

It was not like this.

Mm-hmm.

That no one sat...

Interestingly, no one sat with us and was like, "Listen..."

Enter!

"...the body's not diseased."

No. No one would sit with... No one would tell you this. No one.

"The body, you could just hang out with...

You probably should hang out with her or him for a while.

Just sit with him. It's okay."

No one said that.

And, also, it's not like there is some great desire in people

to hang out with a dead body.

Well, you know, that's complicated.

And that's something that I'm always thinking about and negotiating.

Because the people who do it,

the people who have some inkling that they might want to do it but aren't sure

and then they're given the permission,

they end up having this magical, transformative experience.

I say it's like chocolate and puppies.

Like, that's the kind of feedback that you get.

-Right. -People love it.

And here's what happens...

to so many people.

By the time...

the dying person is ready to start talking about it...

...their mind is disintegrating.

- Yes. - So they can't talk about it.

They're not able to articulate exactly what it is they want.

Mm-hmm.

Right away, your mind goes.

Your mind is out of here, man.

You're, like, fluctuating through the past, present.

You're just going into the past...

You're talking to your husband who died 20 years ago.

That's right. You know, it's totally different from a movie.

In the movies, a guy's laying there, then, all of a sudden, he's like, "I'm dying!"

Then he just dies. He looks great.

Like he just got a facial.

And then it's like, "All right, see you later."

He kind of looks over...

"I'm sorry I won't be able to make it to the ball."

"I'm out of the universe." Not even a...

Mm-hmm.

Just literally like...

Gone.

Like, insane.

Yeah.

So people see that shit and they just assume,

"Oh, I'll start planning for this thing...

When I start getting sick is when I'll start planning.

Based on the statistical probability of my death,

I've got some amount of time left to plan for the thing."

This is absurdity.

You might have some moments...

...of clarity, but when you have moments of clarity,

your family wants to talk to you about how you are and the past.

They don't want to talk to you about what your death plan is

and if you want to be cremated.

This was the cool thing about my dad, because when he was dying, he...

Man, it was wild. Sometimes he would...

Sorry, remind me. What did your dad die of?

I kill trillions of beings per second.

The slow fades.

He stood under a horde shadow during the Sector Wars.

A tiny bit of the shadow just seeped in. He struggled with it his entire life.

Eventually it got into his lungs. He was a hero.

Found out about all his medals after he died.

Oh, right, right, right.

So when he was dying, he...

Sometimes, he would recognize me.

Sometimes, he thought that I was someone who was a soldier from the Sector Wars.

Probably the bald head.

That's a common thing for people at the end of life.

He would be like, "Who is your commanding officer?"

He would say things like that. It was really interesting, but...

And so, you know, I was thinking, "Well, I probably won't see him again."

Like, "Right now what I'm seeing is this sort of, like, sleepwalker.

I don't know that I'll see my dad again."

And then, he'd pop back up. He popped right out of it.

There he was.

And he... And he was...

Because I have been taught to be honest with dying people...

Thank God.

When he would... He said, "What's happening?"

And I'm like, "Oh, you're dying."

And then he's like, "Oh, okay.

You'd better go get a pen and a piece of paper."

And then he starts telling me, you know, what to...

You know, what to say to people.

It was beautiful. It was wonderful.

You know, including things which I still haven't done. I've got to do this.

You know, like, send a lunch platter

to the hospice.

All these beautiful instructions. It was... I got lucky that he did this.

Yeah. You should send a lunch platter to the hospice.

-I'm going to. -They'd love that.

I'm going to do it.

Dad, wherever you may be in the past, present or future,

it's happening, I'm sorry.

I'm a little distracted. That's not a good excuse.

Easy to send a lunch platter.

Well, Death, it has been really great getting to know you.

Likewise. Thank you for letting me gab about my work.

Hey, um, I need the hose.

Excuse me. Pardon me. Can you get... That's my hose.

I need it.

Hey, I need...

Hey! Hey, man!

Hey, man! Hey, man!

Who dares to waken old Elevator Emperor?

Anyone up for a game of basketball? No.

Baseball? No.

-Ping-pong? -No!

Stop fighting it.

You're gonna be okay. Face the void.

Besides, you're not gonna die yet.

That'll be on a rolly chair.

Rolly chair?

Holy shit! Yeah!

Hello, boy.

Oh, that's my hose.

What are you? Are you a metaphor?

Want to slide?

Whoo! Yeah!

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Woo-hoo-hoo!

This is the best slide I've been on. Honestly.

I've been on a lot of waterslides.

I need you as a bag again.

Thanks. Bag mode, activate.

Let's go bag home.

Goodbye, Blank Ball!

You suck!

She said I'm gonna die on a...

I'm gonna die on a rolly chair!

Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo!

Shit!

Hey, thanks, Clancy!

You are welcome.

Mmm.

So what are you gonna do now? Meditate or something?

Oh, jeez, no. That was embarrassing.

No, I'm not enlightened anymore. I wasn't enlightened.

That doesn't even mean anything.

Hey, Charlotte. Missed you, too.

What does death look like to you?

Chirp.