Original subtitles

This is the worst part of my job, you know.

I do not want to lose a good man.

But it's out of my hands,

and even if it were in my hands, my hands are tied.

It's nothing personal. It's just based on...

Yeah, yeah. Well, why am I getting fired?

You're not getting fired. It's redundancy.

As I say, it's nothing personal.

It's cutbacks being what they are,

you know, you are one of the unlucky ones.

Or one of the lucky ones, in my opinion.

Now I'm going to ask you, David, why,

when there are three other forklift operators,

do you decide to fire me and not Anton?

You know, is this positive discrimination?

Do you have disability quotas you have to fill?

I don't know what you mean. I mean...

Or are you keeping Anton on because he's disabled?

-Anton's not disabled. -He's a midget, David.

Yeah, but you're not disabled if you're a midget, are you?

That's not a disability.

-That's just small. -Yeah, I know, but...

Ronnie Corbett doesn't get special treatment, does he?

Ronnie Corbett's 5'. Anton's 3'4".

So are some children.

Children don't get special favours. Children aren't disabled, are they?

Children don't work in warehouses.

Look, whether or not Anton is indeed a midget or a dwarf...

-No, he's a midget. -What's the difference?

Well, a dwarf is someone who has disproportionately short arms and legs.

Oh, I know the ones. Those...

Yeah. It's caused by a hormone deficiency.

Yeah. Bloody hormones.

-Yeah. -Hmm.

A midget is still a dwarf, but their arms and legs are in proportion.

Sure.

So, what's an elf?

Do you want to answer that?

An elf is a supernatural being.

Sometimes they're invisible, they're like fairies.

They don't actually exist, do they? In real life?

What do you want me to...

Do you think I enjoy doing this? This has been imposed upon me!

(MOCKINGLY) "This has been imposed upon me!

-"This has been imposed upon me!" -Yeah, it has.

Yeah. What do you want me to say? "Oh, I'm sorry."

That'll give you your job back.

Yeah. I want you to say you're sorry.

I want you to apologise and stop passing the buck!

I'm not passing the buck. This is someone else's decision.

I didn't want to do this.

You know. Go above my head if you don't believe me.

Oh, I will go above your head.

Fine. Good luck. It's your prerogative.

Yeah, it is. It's my prerogative. Yeah.

So, is a pixie the same thing as an elf?

-DAVID: Hold on, Gareth. -What?

I just want to know how come he knows so much about midgets?

It's called an education.

-So, what's a goblin? -How long you going to be, mate?

I know, I probably seem like quite an imposing figure now

with my, you know, the slick boss,

but get to know me, you'll see I'm mad.

(CHUCKLING)

I brought that in.

So...

Oh, here we go.

Malcolm.

This is Malcolm. This is Karen Roper, my new secretary.

Although, you can all use her, oh, as an actress said to a bishop.

-MALCOLM: Nice to meet you. -Hello.

David, can I just ask why you've hired yourself a new secretary

when you're having to fire people like Alex this morning?

Different people, different jobs. Isn't it?

To wit, the answer to the question, is it people or task

is, well, you know, people.

Like this person. Kojak.

-(IMITATES SQUEAKING) -David.

That's what we call him. Not to his face.

-What I... -Who loves you, baby?

Am I going to be fired? When will we know what's happening?

Good question. Jennifer is coming in midday today, Greenwich Mean Time.

She will have the verdict then. Okay?

I was just trying to keep the troops happy.

Well, they'd be a lot happier if they knew they'd got jobs.

Yeah.

I'm thinking of other weird-looking bald people we could do.

That one off Benny Hill?

Oh, yeah.

I don't know if you met Tim. He's thinking of leaving.

Yeah, he's feeling bad about himself.

I'm going to have a chat to him,

make him feel good about himself, turn it round.

You know? Look and learn. So...

Timothy!

-Hello. -All right? Can I have a quick word?

In the old office? Walk this way.

(QUACKING)

Always start with a joke.

You might want to make notes, just for...

-Hiya. Come in. -Ta.

-How are you doing? -All right, thanks.

Good. Um, you don't mind if Karen sits in, just to learn the ropes?

No, not at all. What are we doing?

I just want to know why you're thinking of leaving, mate.

I've got to tell you, I'm not thinking of leaving, I am leaving.

Sure. Sure.

I don't mean to stitch anyone up,

but it's nothing I've said or done, is it?

-Not at all, David. No. -Definitely not. Put that down. No way.

No, I mean, I don't want to put words in your mouth,

but what sort of a boss would you say I am?

-I'm a... -Good boss, yeah.

Put down "good". He said "good".

-No, mate, you're a great boss. -He said "great".

It's just that I don't think that I am in a position...

It's not because you asked Dawn out

in front of everyone and she said no, is it?

I didn't ask her out. It was as a friend.

Why does everyone think... It was as a friend.

Put "friend". Put "friend" down.

So, why the move?

-It's not one thing, David. -Go on.

-Can I? -Sure.

Okay. I don't really enjoy the work I do here. I'm sorry, but...

I feel a little bit like I'm wasting my time.

-Like life's too short? -Yeah, exactly. Thank you. Um...

You know, let's be honest, I'm 30, right?

I want to retire with some stories to tell, you know?

That aren't about paper?

Yeah, I can give you paper stories that'll crack you up so...

That's true. They are hilarious.

Hilarious. Put down "hilarious".

-Do you want me to go on? -How many have you got?

It's like an alarm clock's gone off and I've just got to get away.

I think it was John Lennon who said,

"Life is what happens when you're making other plans."

And that's how I feel, you know.

Although he also said, "I am the walrus, I am the eggman",

so I don't know what to believe.

-Okay, David, listen to me... -No, no, you listen to me, "Tim".

When you first came here, you didn't know about the paper industry.

I showed you the ropes, I nurtured you, I gave you a good job.

-That he doesn't want! -I didn't ask you.

Okay, you did ask me how I felt and I'm telling you.

-I don't want to know now. -What do you mean?

-This has been a waste of time. -It's not a waste of time.

Well, I'll tell you what,

why don't you both go and do some work instead of whinging, please?

-TIM: This is silly. -No, go on.

And don't say out there what you've said in here,

apart from the thing about a good boss, if you want to.

I don't want you spreading your bad vibes around my office, all right?

You be like that at the party, that'll be fun.

You try and do a good deed

and that...

You all right?

Yeah, hello. All right?

(CLEARS THROAT) Are you going to the party?

-Yeah, yeah. Of course. -Brilliant.

-I wouldn't miss it. -Cool.

-And you? -Uh, yes.

Good.

Hooray!

-See you later. -Yeah.

DAWN: I hope they get rid of me.

Because then I might actually get off my arse and do something.

I don't think it's many little girls' dream to be a receptionist.

I don't know what I'll do,

but whatever it is, it's got to be a career move

and not just another arbitrary job.

Tim's advice is that it's better to be

at the bottom of a ladder you want to climb

than halfway up one you don't.

But, um, I just...

I don't want to be treading water, you know,

and then wake up in another five years' time and say, "Shit! Done it again."

(SHREDDER WHIRRING)

Do you think you could...

-Could you not do that here, mate? -Mmm?

Sorry, I just wondered if you couldn't do that here?

-I've got to do it, mate. -Really?

No chance you could throw it in the bin?

Yeah, and maybe I should just

take them around to rival companies and just hand them out.

Good point, but could you just throw it in the bin?

Gareth, can you keep it down a bit?

-Hmm? -Can you stop it?

Yeah. I'll just do it like this.

(RIPPING)

(EXHALES)

-Hiya. -Hi, David. Are you ready?

Yeah.

-Who's she? -Don't know.

Now, I know I promised you some kind of answer today.

I don't think it's the one that you were expecting.

Firstly, I'm moving on.

Have you been fired?

-(LAUGHS) No. -No?

No, I've been made into a partner.

They've made you into a partner?

So that'll be Wernham Hogg Taylor-Clark.

That's mental. They'll have to change the stationery.

Yeah, I think we might get a discount, though, as we're in the business.

40% sometimes.

The point is, David, my job is now available

and the board thought that either you or Neil

should take over the role.

I can tell you now, the board have voted 5-2 in favour of you taking the job.

Voted for me 5-2? There's only seven on the board, isn't there?

-So it's five out of seven. A landslide. -Now I did...

-David. -Go on.

You've always made it very clear that you're 100% committed to your branch.

Probably why I got the...

You do understand that if you take on my job, Neil will stay in Swindon

and your branch will be downsized and incorporated into his?

Yep.

Well, I know that you're very loyal to your family here...

I'll be loyal to the whole family. It's one big family.

Yeah, I'm just sensitive to the fact

that you have strong, let's say, emotional ties to your team.

Well, yeah, but there is the emotion as "good in business" syndrome, sure,

notwithstanding the "cruel to be kind" scenario.

I'm sorry, David, you've lost me.

Well, you're not looking at the whole pie, Jenny.

Wernham Hogg is one big pie,

and if I've left me in charge of that one big pie,

I'll be in charge of the pie and the people are the fruit.

I don't have time for the pie thing, David.

You don't want it, no. I'm saying, yeah, okay, I'll take the job, please.

Good. Okay, well, the first step is to meet with Alan and the board.

Yep. What's five out of seven as a percentage?

-Uh, 70%. -Mmm.

71.4. So...

Call Susan and arrange to meet the board and finalise all the details.

Congratulations and good luck.

Yeah, you don't need luck when you've got 71.4% of the population behind you.

(WHISPERING) She's still here.

Bye, Jennifer.

-EMMA: What do you think? -He looked all right. Not unhappy.

-EMMA: How did it go? -What did she say?

Fine.

What's the damage?

It's complicated.

-Are you going to tell us? -Yeah.

MALCOLM: David?

(DOOR CLOSES)

(KNOCKING)

We'd like to know now.

Okay. All right.

Okay, gather.

Um, well,

there's good news and bad news.

The bad news is Neil will be taking over both branches

and some of you will lose your jobs.

(ALL GASP)

Those of you who are kept on will have to relocate to Swindon

if you want to stay.

I know. I know. Gutting. Gutting.

You didn't see me, ohh.

On a more positive note, the good news is I've been promoted.

So, every cloud...

You're still thinking about the bad news, aren't you?

There's no good news, David. It's only bad news and irrelevant news.

Yeah, that's not a phrase though, is it?

I couldn't come out and go,

"I've got some bad news and some irrelevant news."

You could have just told us about Neil and kept your promotion to yourself.

Should have told you the good news first...

There is no good news, David.

Hmm. I think promotion is generally considered good news.

We're going to lose our jobs!

You're not all going to lose your jobs.

God! Just... All right.

You're not going to lose your job. You're not going to lose your job.

You know, you're not going to lose your job.

So, let's get it in perspective, yeah?

Come on.

You know there's only seven people on the board, yeah?

MAN: When are the rest of us going to find out?

I can't believe it. After all the things he said, it's just...

I'm in shock.

Sold us out.

Wanker.

What? David Brent's leaving?

So you're definitely leaving, then?

Uh, yeah, it would appear so.

What about us?

-There's nothing going on between us. -Not like that.

You know, but we're a team.

I'm Assistant Regional Manager.

-Assistant to the Regional Manager. -Yeah.

So I can still be your assistant?

Can I... If you're going off...

No. I'll be getting a proper assistant, a PA, probably so...

-A lady? -Hopefully, yeah.

Well, not 'cause of that, just...

What about Neil?

Is he going to be needing an assistant? I could be his assistant.

Neil's bringing his man with him.

Bloody good guy, actually.

Good assistant. Bloke called Terry someone.

You'd like him. He's ex-army.

Territorial?

-No. -Regular?

Yeah.

-What rank? -Sergeant, I think.

What are you?

Lieutenant, sir.

Anyway...

That's it, then, is it? (SNIFFLING)

The old team on the scrapheap.

It's all gone.

Gareth, come on.

Dude, you're a soldier. Aren't you? Eh? Yeah?

Stiff upper lip and all that, eh?

Spirit of the Dam Busters. Yeah? The squadron never dies, does it?

-Seen that film? -Yeah. I've got it on video.

Well, then, yeah?

In it, before he goes into battle,

he's playing with his dog and everything.

-Nigger. -Yeah, that's not offensive.

That's the dog's name.

It was the '40s as well, before racism was bad, innit? So...

-The dog was called Nigger. -Don't keep saying it but...

Hey?

So, take anything.

Choose one thing. A memento. From me to you.

-Take anything you want. -To keep?

-Yep. -I'll have the guitar.

Not the guitar. I meant stationery. Something I can reorder.

Like a hole punch? That's always handy.

-All right? -Yeah?

Bloody good one, that.

(SNIFFS)

Oh.

Like confetti.

Could be used as confetti, yeah.

Check with the vicar first, always.

Don't get it on the carpet, Gareth.

-No. -I'm just...

-Sorry. -Put it there.

I don't see it as letting people down.

If this is a family, then maybe it's time

to cut the apron strings, let them stand on their own two feet.

Because you can be sure

if they were in my position, they'd take the job and go, "Yep, thanks.

"We're off. Thanks for the opportunity and the great jokes."

But, you know, this is a business, all right?

I'm not doing this for an Esther Rantzen Heart of Gold,

or, you know, if Esther's handing out awards,

then do it for my charity work.

Not... Five fun runs in two years.

So, why don't you ask Philippa Norris or, you know, Simon Coleman at Mencap

what they think of David Brent?

So...

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

It's the end of the financial year and spirits are in the sky.

(SPIRIT IN THE SKY BY NORMAN GREENBAUM PLAYING)

You're all smug now. You're moving away. But think of me.

The shoe could be on the other foot.

But you're going to be all right, aren't you?

Yeah. I work hard. I earn my keep.

But unfortunately, the history books are full of just people

who toil and fight for worthy causes and the freedom of others and...

Yeah, that's the most profound thing you've ever said, mate.

Yeah, and you do all that

only for the foreigners or women or the disabled to take advantage of it.

Can I withdraw my last comment?

-What do you think of her? -A bit out of your league, mate.

-Definitely out of your league. -No. Smug.

You think you're so... Just 'cause you got a bit of Donna because

I played by the rules 'cause she was out of bounds.

You nipped in behind everyone's back.

I'd have got a bit if I'd thought it was up for grabs.

I'd have done her, but that would be shitting on your own doorstep.

And anyway, I don't do sloppy seconds.

Yeah, you see it's phrases like "sloppy seconds"

which make her out of your league.

# I'm walking on sunshine

# Whoa!

# I'm walking on sunshine

# Whoa!

# I'm walking on sunshine

# Whoa!

# And don't it feel good!

# Hey! All right now

# And don't it feel good

# Hey! Yeah! #

(MUSIC STOPS)

Hello!

Welcome, everybody. Just a few things.

Um, see the raffle over there? That's going to start later.

And, uh, you can win a printer. Something I'd bloody love.

Although if I win it, I'll probably either put the ticket back

or give it to charity or something, but that's, you know...

No pressure, that's...

Uh, good luck to Ricky,

who's off pursuing his career starting Monday.

So, have we got him a collection or a gift or summat? Well...

You haven't been here long, have you? So...

Should have seen what we got Pete Gibbons. Ooh!

He'll tell you. We all remember that. So...

Just come from a meeting at Head Office,

where I was officially offered the job as UK Manager.

Um, and as you know, taking that job will mean

a lot of you will lose your jobs,

and I'd just like to say...

That's why I told them to shove their job up their arses!

-MALCOLM: So you're staying here? -Yes. We all are.

We'll incorporate Swindon. So, you know,

hip-hip-hooray for David Brent! Hip-hip-hooray.

-(SCATTERED APPLAUSE) -Yeah, no, stop it.

Seriously. Move on. Let's move on.

So have a good... Let's rock!

Smashie and Nicey, kick in there. Put the record on when I do that.

That's...

clumsy.

(SEX BOMB BY TOM JONES PLAYING)

-Tim! -Hey! All right, mate?

-You all right? -Yeah.

-Did you ask my girlfriend out? -Eh? No. What?

-You hit on someone's girlfriend... -No, no, no, mate.

What sort of a bloke would I be if I let that go?

No, just... No, listen. Can I just say...

-The problem is... -No, we have no problem here.

-What are we going to do? -Lee, Lee, please.

Can I get a word in? 'Cause I asked her out as a friend.

It wasn't as a girlfriend. It was just a soldier to cry on.

-A soldier? -(STAMMERS) Shoulder.

Why do you want a soldier to cry on? Are you bent or something?

-Is this a wind-up? -Yeah. Sorry, mate.

-Don't do that, man! -Having a bit of a laugh. I'm sorry.

Wouldn't blame you, she's a good-looking girl.

Yeah, she is.

-Come on. -All right.

(TRAGEDY BY STEPS PLAYING)

(THE ONLY WAY IS UP BY YAZZ PLAYING)

That's the thing about leadership. Sometimes you got to sacrifice yourself.

Um, we just wanted to say we thought that was a really good thing you did.

Yeah, man, really impressive.

I'd prefer your respect individually, but cheers.

You've got our respect individually.

I'd believe that a little bit more if he hadn't jumped on top of you

the minute my back was turned, so...

-Actually, you know, I was on top. -All right.

We just wanted to say well done.

Yeah, nice one.

And they probably did oral.

Hey. All right? Enjoying the party?

So they offered you the job, did they?

(CLEARS THROAT) Yeah, well.

The thing is, I've been with this nutty lot way too long

to sell them down the river for a couple of extra quid a year.

-So, not interested. -Right.

It's just that I was speaking to Paula and she seems...

-Paula? Oh, yeah. -Alan's assistant.

And she seems to think the reason that you didn't take the job

was not because you didn't want it,

but because you failed the medical because of high blood pressure.

Well.

You got to ask yourself why did I get high blood pressure

on the day of the medical, how come?

Are you saying that you cheated science and faked high blood pressure

so that you could remain in the job?

You know, you've got to ask yourself that.

Did you?

What's worse, cheating medical science or cheating friends?

Yeah? The board of directors come to me and they go,

"Oh, David, you're the best man for the job.

"You've got to take the job and we won't take no for an answer."

"Oh, hold on, you failed the medical. Oh, all right, stay with..." You know?

For all your mole knows, they may or may not have said that to me.

-Did they? -They may or may not have.

So, you faked high blood pressure in order to fail a medical test?

Oh, no.

(CHUCKLING)

See you later.

(I'M NOT IN LOVE BY 10CC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

So, when are you leaving me?

Um, well, it probably won't be for quite a while.

-Autumn? -Um, probably not.

Oh. Um, I thought you wanted to go back to university and everything.

Yeah, I will, but there's a slight bit of a change of plan.

Oh, right.

David's made me Senior Sales Clerk.

Wow!

Um, I thought you wanted to, like, be a psychologist.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But Senior Sales Clerk is...

Well, it's 500 quid guaranteed extra a year.

And if I do a bit of networking, then there's every chance

I could be in David's chair in three years. So...

Oh.

(STAMMERING) All that talk about, like, getting on, moving on in the world...

No, I said moving up. Yeah? Moving up.

Moving up can mean within an internal ladder, framework,

or sideways to external, then up.

You know, you've got to look at the whole pie

vis-a-vis my current life situation. You know?

Vis-a... Pie?

Which means, of course, my old job is free.

So, you know, have a word.

-Timothy! -Timothy!

(TRUE BY SPANDAU BALLET PLAYING)

You grow up, you work half a century, you get a golden handshake,

you rest a couple of years and you're dead.

And the only thing that makes that crazy ride worthwhile is,

"Did I enjoy it? What did I learn? What was the point?"

That's where I come in.

You've seen how I react to people, I make them feel good,

make them think that anything's possible, yeah?

If I make them laugh along the way, sue me.

I don't do it so they'll turn around and go,

"Oh, thank you, David, for the opportunity.

"Thank you for the wisdom. Thank you for the laughs."

I do it so one day someone will go, "There goes David Brent.

"I must remember to thank him."