Original subtitles

It's funny we all sort of think we're not gonna die.

Hi!

Your father gave this to me. He asked me never to open it.

I guess you take them out of that vase

and put them in your own vase.

I know what to do with flowers.

Yeah, stick 'em in a vase.

These flowers say "in memoriam" on them.

-What's that? -They say in memoriam on them.

-Are you completely stupid? -Completely?

You'd better get going.

That painting I gave you is upside down.

Hey buddy!

Okay, okay...

That was fast.

If I'd gotten the right kind of flowers the first time,

would that be me there?

That's a good question. That's a great question.

You don't buy flowers at a grocery stores either. You go to a florist.

Is that true?

-Everybody knows that. -Not everybody.

Well, as you were...

-What are you doing? -I borrowed these.

-That's my mom. -Please thank her for me.

-Or I could kick your ass. -Either way.

The woman I married stopped trying after about a year.

She went back to the personality she had before we were married.

She reverted to the personality she had

before she decided she ought to be married. Does that make sense?

She stopped-- She just threw in the towel.

-What's with the ring? -I re-upped.

If you ever get married don't tell your wife anything.

You can say things, but not honest things.

If you tell her your first girlfriend was pretty,

don't forget to add "not even close to the way you are".

If you're talking about a smart girl, she was too smart.

Her intelligence was some kind of mistake.

It was kind of a joke on her. If you don't believe me though,

they hit you over the head with it with every chance they got.

-You want some advice? -You mean more advice?

Just marry the next girl you see. It makes no difference.

Is there anything else we might help you with?

Why?

You seemed like you might had a couple.

No.

I won't tell.

Couldn't find another seat?

Really wanted to talk to someone.

I just walked in on my ex-wife in bed with another man.

So there's my problems and whatever your problems are.

-Prison. -Excuse me?

Prison. I'm going to prison.

SOMEBODY UP THERE LIKES ME

The last five years, I wake up

it's like something fast forwarded beyond my control.

I have no short term memory--

everything I say I have to say, "I know I told you this already."

I've gained weight, I have glasses, I'm married,

my wife has gotten kind of fat, and I don't mean that in a mean way.

-That is mean. -True.

If I said your wife is kind of fat

it would be hard for it not to sound mean.

-True, and I would beat you. -Try it.

But it's like there was nothing I could do,

I couldn't prevent these things from happening.

I think if you'd asked me about it five years ago,

I would have said, what are you talking about?

These things aren't going to happen, not to me.

I didn't know you five years ago.

I used to feel so sorry for forgetful people.

And now?

-Sympathetic. -I think you mean empathetic.

I suppose you're right.

We were here last week, this place is great.

Thank you. May I start you guys off with a cocktail?

I don't like that "you guys". Please don't call us "you guys".

May I start you people off with a cocktail?

May I start you folks off with a cocktail?

May I start the two of you off with a cocktail?

See, yes. All those are preferable.

You guys have mojitos?

-You wanna grab a beer tonight? -I actually have a date tonight.

-Where did you meet her? -I haven't.

What about you? The exes.

I never know when to bring the exes up.

Why is she wearing a yellow dress?

Not her first rodeo.

-She's quite youthful. -Shut up.

Why a yellow dress?

I was married before. You only wear white the first time.

Yeah, I know the concept. I didn't know you were married.

-I told you. -When?

-At Barry's barbecue. -I thought you were a vegetarian.

Vegetarians go to barbecues.

-It didn't work out. -I'm sorry.

Don't give it another thought. Waiter!

You want to come in?

You brought me to your house. I live four miles from here.

You want to come in?

I meant to compliment you earlier,

on your appearance and your sense of humor.

Oh thanks, thank you.

Who are these pictures of?

Oh that? That's nothing.

Who is the woman in the pictures?

-That's my old wife. -Pardon me?

I mean it's my ex-wife. My ex-wife.

Will you take me home please?

I would, but my car is almost out of gas.

I'm not a mind reader, but something tells me

I'm not getting an invite in.

A kiss good night, probably not either, and second base?

Medium rare, I like it medium rare.

You guys know how to cook a medium rare?

-I think so. -Medium rare.

Do you want spinach? We have creamed spinach.

-Does it come with it? -No, it's a la carte.

-That means on its own. -I know what it means.

-What comes with it. -The bread sticks.

What kind of a place is this? Am I supposed to get up and dance

cause you brought me bread sticks?

You're serving 44 dollar steaks,

and you can't find me any vegetables?

Hang on a sec.

Look out, Derek!

There's a customer out there

who's asked to speak with you about our a la carte policy.

Me?

He left a note.

"Fuck you."

-Hey Max. -Hey Lyla.

Basically, a list of things to clean.

-Ale-- What was it? -Alejandro.

-Where are you from? -Mexico.

Okay. We had a native American busboy who was nicknamed Two Bites.

Because he had bitten a guy's balls off.

In a bar fight.

Gracias.

-Hey Max. -Hey Lyla.

-Breadstick? -No, thanks.

-How's your Spanish? -Not good.

Why did you wear your uniform on a date?

Why did you wear your uniform-- Is this a date?

Yeah, it's a date.

You see that guy over there, sitting by himself?

He's not doing anything.

He's minding his own business! It's cute.

He looks like he might be bored, and also kind of boring.

Like being bored isn't enough,

he's got to take it out on the people that he meets.

I don't know.

If that guy got married

he'd become part of the world's most boring couple.

-He could be married to a model. -A hand model.

-I was a hand model. -A catalog model.

-I was a catalog model. -What catalog?

Shoes.

How long have you worked at the steak house?

-Three years. -With raises every six months?

-Raisins? -Raises.

Yeah...

Have you ever had a customer, after you set down a hot plate

and told them "hot plate, don't touch", touch the plate?

-You like breadsticks, huh. -Yeah, I can't get enough of 'em!

-Is that your car? -Yeah.

-Don't you take the bus to work? -Yeah.

-How come you never drive it? -I drive it.

-When? -Night.

-Where? -Cul de sac.

I don't have a driver's license. My dad gave me the car,

he works at the police department, in eternal affairs.

-Internal affairs. -Internal affairs.

I'm not even sure how he got the car, he doesn't make much money.

-Jesus. Can you cook? -Yeah, if--

No.

Can you cook?

I work in a restaurant.

-Are you good in bed? -I get about eight hours.

I guess I meant are you open minded?

Can you get things-- Can you wrap it up?

Can you finish without a ton of help? I can.

-You ought to meet Dad? -Is that a pet?

No, my dad.

-What do you think about Lyla? -Lyla? Which one is she?

Breadsticks.

You've worked alongside one another for three years

and you don't know her name?

Her dad's a cop right?

Yeah, no, I don't know. I don't like the police very much.

I can take care of myself, thank you.

It's not her fault that her dad's a cop.

If you say so.

Let's just say, hypothetically,

that I was going to get married, would you be the best man?

What's hypothetical,

is that when you say one thing and think another?

I think you're thinking hypocritical...

My mom had to take the Hippocratic oath to become a psychiatrist.

That's when you promise you'll treat someone who's hurt.

I couldn't help but notice you're unaccompanied today.

Can I get you a glass of champagne?

I'm 16.

Alright, there we go. We got it going on.

We got plenty of dance place up here, folks.

Congratulations, welcome back to hell.

Jesus, my wife, I could tell you some stories. Horror stories.

-Whore? -Horror. Horr-or.

-Have you met Lyla's father? -I can't say I have.

You know, the news is in on cigarettes.

Well, thanks for inviting us to your party,

to your marriage party.

Some of you probably know

that Max had one marriage go South prematurely.

But this one looks like there's all systems go.

Of course, that another one may looked like that at the beginning.

So here's to you. To all of you!

You think it's necessary to have a weapon at the wedding?

Thank you very much for coming at our hotel.

-I'll take the bags. -Yes, I'll do that sir.

I'm good.

Ma'am, can you just a little bit move at your left?

Yes sir. Mister, you got married.

You don't pay at this hotel to take your luggage. This is my job.

I'm sorry. Excuse me.

-Yes sir. -Here you go.

-Here we are. -Yep.

-I take it you've had sex before? -Yes, I have had some sex.

I had some too. I'm not saying it's my first time, but I'm no expert.

Me neither.

Let's give this thing a shot and see who gives out first.

Okay...

We still have it pretty good, right Lyla?

Yeah, no question!

Does your mind wonder during intercourse?

No, I kinda like it.

Do you have to think about Johnny Depp to have an orgasm?

I thought about Mark Wahlberg once but it was only for a second,

so not really.

-Do you think about celebrities? -No, I fantasize about you.

Stop it!

I am sorry that I prefer sex in the morning,

and can't seem to get it done at night.

I don't care.

I'm usually so tired from work, but I don't really do anything at work.

-It doesn't make any sense. -I don't care.

-OK, I'll see you soon! -Bye Max.

The divorce was finalized this morning.

Someone keyed my car. Keyed the Mercedes.

Excuse me? Did you hear me? Divorce?

I'm sorry.

-You mean congratulations? -Good question.

Great question.

Should I ask you how you feel? How do you feel?

The same.

It makes you wonder if you have any enemies.

Don't give it another thought.

Your concern is a testament to pathetic vanity.

Is that your car?

-What does that mean? -Roll down your window.

I thought it was sexually-themed.

No, but that can be arranged if you want it.

I guess if you made the gesture for an automatic window,

I wouldn't know what the hell you were doing.

Yeah.

OK, I see you around. I see you around, OK?

How's he doing?

He formed his first complete sentence today, really.

Subject/verb.

Yeah? What'd he say?

-Give me a sec. -What did you say?

I'm starting to think we should send this one back.

Max!

Hey, I got a sitter, we're having dinner with Dad tonight.

You're the sitter?

Go easy on the fridge, no boyfriends,

make sure the kid's in bed at eight,

no pay-per-view pornographic movies please,

cause I'd take the heat for that, you can order a pizza,

I'll pay half, or deduct it from your wages.

-What are we paying you? -That wasn't discussed.

-I'll pay 25 cents an hour. -He's kidding, don't listen to him.

Do I look like I'm kidding?

Why can't he meet us there?

He can't really see at night. Old people can't really see at night.

Jesus.

Jesus. What is going on over here?

Max!

-The fuck was that? -Daddy! Swearing.

-What was what? -Honking the horn? Wise guy?

Seven interceptions. That's right.

Hello. I guess you're off tonight.

Yeah, tonight I'm not working.

May I start you off with a cocktail?

How about you Dad? A glass of wine and a sense of humor?

Would you like to hear about our starters?

-No. -You sure about that?

I was at the Doctor last week. The prognosis's not good.

That's terrible.

That's why I asked you two to dinner tonight.

He says I have a year at most. Probably more like six months.

You feel stupid for honking the horn now?

Yes.

Anything else? We're closing up, so...

So...

Can you give us a minute?

I feel like I have, really.

I mean look around, do you see any other patrons?

Could you just ease off? Just back off!

Pardon?

Doc gave me the death sentence today.

Yeah, well they never know that stuff for sure.

Yeah? Liver cancer?

OK, that's way up there. You may have a point.

Did you get a second opinion?

If you're looking for sympathy,

I suggest you try another chop house.

I'd like to see you with about six holes in your midsection.

Try it pops.

-Thanks for dinner. -Good night, Daddy.

Wait! Wait till he gets inside.

You really think he's going to have trouble getting in?

He's done it about 6000 times, right?

It's bad form, not waiting.

Was that the car?

Negatory.

He was starting to grow on me maybe a little.

Not me. We were not making any progress.

He left us a ton of money, a ton. I don't know where he got it all.

-I can give you some of it. -Sure thing.

I don't know if you want to keep working with us.

Sure, I mean I don't see how any of this really affects any of that.

He gave us some money, and I'll try and get you some.

But it may be locked up in escrow. Do you know what that is?

-No. -Me neither.

If any of the money frees up from Lyla's father,

I really wouldn't mind a boob job.

It's weird, and we're at a funeral,

but I feel like you're giving me permission to look at your--

I would like to see you in just panties-- Oh man!

Happy birthday, Lyle!

Happy birthday!

Yeah, we have a guest house, but we have someone staying there.

He's been there for a while now. Lyla's taking tennis lessons.

-How is Lyle? -Lyle?

-Your son? -Oh, he's good. He's ten now.

We have the nanny, so I don't see him much.

He's certainly busier than I am.

It's like I have to make an appointment to see my own son!

-OK, I better get going. -Where do you live now, like Idaho?

Yeah, sort of.

Must be nice there this-- Hello?

-You want one? -A little early for that.

And yet it wasn't too early for you to shtup the Nanny.

You won't tell Lyla, will you?

I have every intention of telling Lyla.

I used to think that quitting that job

and getting set up here was the best thing

that ever happened to me, but now I'm not so sure.

One thing you can be sure of--

You never know what's good for you.

-Max! -Yeah?

-Max! -What?

His game is over here.

Yeah, I know, but these guys are great.

Do we have any upcoming games against them?

-Do you miss your Dad sometimes? -Of course.

-Dad... Old Dad. -Yeah.

What about your family? You never talk about them,

come to think of it, you've never mentioned them.

-Not once. -Yeah. They're great, great.

Do you think it's a good idea,

having the waiter from the restaurant live in back with us?

Do you think it's a good idea,

having the waiter from the restaurant live in back with us?

Hey Lyla!

I can explain.

I've been sleeping with the waiter from the restaurant

who lives behind our house.

Is he better? Thicker? Longer?

I don't know. I think he is, I like it, I've had dozens of orgasms.

Dozens and dozens.

I just get in this space where I want another one

and I really don't care what I have to do for it. You know?

Damn the torpedoes?

And that doesn't happen with me, per se.

I think maybe what happened for me was discovering that I was trying

to reassure myself that I was still in love with him,

despite everything.

And yes, mainly it's the weakness I saw in him,

sleeping with the Clarissa.

-Which one's Clarissa? -Nanny.

The cute one...

It's a cliche, still, I could not make my way past it.

I began to catalogue the things I liked about him,

in an effort to console myself for falling out of love with him.

Like shoes, hair.

And then also I begin to hate--

That's too strong of a word, I guess.

I began to not like the things I had liked about him,

shoes, hair, and it was really time.

So I in turn stepped out of the marriage, and all was lost.

-So what are you saying? -Have you been listening at all?

Are you a doctor? Is this a doctor's office?

-Is this a dream? -Does it seem like a dream?

No.

So it's time to... What?

You know, get out of the relationship.

Right, right...

What about you?

What happened?

I feel like I'm losing my best friend.

Yeah, I think that too.

I guess that can work for marriages, or not work.

Where you end up dating your sister or your mother

or your best weird dikey friend from high school.

Yeah. I wasn't really paying too much attention.

Who gets the nanny?

-Can I have the remote? -No.

Hi!

Do you know what you like?

I can come back.

I may head to the office. I have to--

They took all our money away. Her dad had stolen it.

I thought everyone sort of knew that.

They couldn't prove anything, there was a break in the case,

they located a paper trail, I don't know.

You sound like you don't know what you're talking about.

I'm not letting that stop me.

This car is all that's left, really.

So I guess dad gets the last laugh.

Do you have a cigarette?

OK, I gotta go, can I borrow your hat?

You know I don't wear hats.

Don't say "party of two and a half", say "welcome to Flanigan's".

Do not say "we can't do that", do say "I'll find out right away".

Don't say "yep", do say "absolutely".

Do not say "what can I get for you",

do say "how may I assist you?". Any questions?

How do you pronounce that?

Chateaubriand. How old are you?

Surely you don't have to think about that.

Why do I have to train with the dishwasher?

Thanks.

What do I have to complain about, isn't that really what we do here,

when it comes down to it, complain? I mean we're supposed

to be working on ourselves, but I think the best idea

is to come talk to you guys--

-Don't say you guys. -You people.

And talk about people in our lives for an hour,

and complain about them, and then you go back out there

into the real world and keep the complaining to a minimum.

You don't consider this the real world?

You're joking right?

-I thought you were vegetarian. -I am, kind of.

-I'm pregnant. -Wow... Congratula--

It's not good news. And it's not yours.

Really?

When I was fifteen I didn't even know what a penis was.

I mean forget about a vagina.

Yeah.

Anything to say for yourself?

I probably shouldn't say this or think it,

but I'm sort of proud of him.

Yeah, you probably shouldn't say that,

maybe make this the last time you say that.

I don't know why we can't have a sense of humor about it.

I'm looking around for mine. It is here someplace.

Maybe it'll seem funny later.

I finally found the courage to leave your ex-wife.

We just weren't really getting anywhere.

I don't know if it's a good idea to expect a relationship

to be going anywhere past a certain stage.

Plus she's poor. I know how to be poor without any help.

I don't need anyone's help to be poor. No thank you.

We should start our own restaurant.

I'm poor and lazy and old.

You know how you know when you're old?

When you sneeze and lose a tooth.

I'm falling apart like a Mexican suitcase.

Before I left Lyla I took some money,

about sixty thousand dollars in cash, for a rainy day.

-Lyla left you. -OK.

But as I said, I took some money, 60K, rainy day?

I'm listening.

The question is really what kind of restaurant.

Italian, Mexican, a burger place?

We could open a steak house across the street.

-I think not. -A coffee shop.

-No. -Ethiopian.

-No. -Vegetarian.

Veganism is for the birds.

The only food everyone seems to agree on is pizza.

-True. -And ice cream.

Don't forget ice cream.

I think all we really need now is a promotion,

and get people hooked on the food.

Buy one get one free?

I think a sign that says Eat at Joe's.

That's what you want outside? Eat at Joe's?

A sign is a promotion. Our sign is our first promotion.

We've put our cards on the table, about what we're selling.

We don't want to get the customers too adjusted to bargains,

or they'll never pay full price.

It's odd that things started to kind of fall apart

when Lyla's Dad died.

Usually when things come apart you'd like to have screwed up,

so it makes more sense.

Boy do I know what you mean. Maybe for the first time ever,

you've said something that made complete sense.

I didn't really like the guy at all.

-He made me really uncomfortable. -Fair enough.

Really unconfortamble.

Hello, you are my first customer.

-For today or... -Forever.

OK.

I think I'm gonna go for the ice cream for lunch today.

Ice cream for lunch? How old are you?

I'm 26, my birthday is next week.

Alright, I have 17 flavors today.

I've got 16...

-I've got a delicious cherry-- -Stop! We have.

We have 17 flavors today.

Are we gonna get into this? I'm serving our first customer.

We are partners in this business. I'm making a transaction.

If you wanna say "can I get you", sure. If you wanna say--

Are you serving ice cream to this gentleman from there?

I don't wanna bring this up,

but how much money did you put into this place?

I put my heart and soul into this place.

-That's true. -I'm just gonna order from you.

Go ahead, what kind of ice cream can I get you?

You're such an asshole!

I'm gonna go for Neapolitan in a cup.

-No Neapolitan. -No Neapolitan?

I consider Neapolitan a pale version of Spumoni.

OK, then I'll guess I'll have Spumoni.

-No Spumoni. -None of that either?

Not at all?

Spumoni and Neapolitan are the striped creams

that come in a frozen block. That's a freezer

I'm gonna let you buy at the grocery store and take home.

The striped ice creams don't work very well

in a cup and cone establishment such as this is.

OK. What are the topping situations here?

Hang on a second, can I finish?

And also, in addition to the toppings,

is there a whipped cream cherry option?

-You're being difficult. -No, no.

-I'm getting the feel-- -We are.

We're starting to think you're not gonna be our first customer.

They're opening another one in Milwaukee.

Yeah, you told me.

I'm telling you again. It's our three thousandth franchise.

Man, micromanaging these restaurants

is about as much fun as catching pubes in the zipper.

Have you given any more thought to this buyout offer?

-What's that? -Did you give it some thought?

-Yes. -Well?

I mean no.

-Hello? -It's me.

Oh hey, Lyla.

Just calling to remind you

that Lyle's graduation is this weekend.

How's everything on that end?

Fine I suppose. I went to the doctor today.

-How did that go? -Clean bill.

But it's like a clinic for poor people,

so I don't know if I got the best doctor.

He seemed overworked and undereducated.

I'm sure everything is fine.

I don't know what to say.

I think we have a chance for a good relationship. You know?

Most of my friends who were close to their parents growing up,

can't stay close to them without looking like douches.

The absent parent, the one who got rich,

is tailor made for a good relationship.

So I could hate you for not being there for me, but I don't.

You could hate me, but what else do you really have in your life?

I have Jim. The waiter?

Mom's second husband? You mean Sal?

I have Sal.

I have aches and pains I assume are tumors,

I feel like I could drop dead any second.

You're always reading about people in perfect health who drop dead --

Are you humming?

-Don't you like my singing? -It's nice.

-That's inappropriate. -Sit up straight.

Can I help you?

May I help you?

Not unless you got fifty bucks that's kind of just sittin' around.

Those are her bread sticks.

-Who? -Give 'em back.

What good are they doing her?

Wrong. I am the widower. Give 'em back.

I don't think so.

I'm gonna call the cops.

-I can run surprisingly fast. -Doubtful.

Try me.

If I can beat you in a foot race will you put the bread sticks back?

Yeah, it's a great idea.

Alright. See that car over there?

Race to the car, touch the car, run back, touch the stone,

the winner gets the bread sticks.

-OK. -All the bread sticks.

-Are you ready? -Yeah, let me get my shit.

OK.

On your mark, get set, go!

Please have identification and insurance information at the ready.

You've been injured, may be ill

and you're being transported to the nearest medical facility.

If you're able

please have identification and insurance information at the ready.

And if not, don't worry about it. What do we look like?

You've been injured, may be ill

and you're being transported to the nearest medical facility.

If you're able

please have identification and insurance information at the ready.

And if not, don't worry about it. What do we look like?

I guess you had a close call. They said you could have died.

Yeah, that tends to apply to a lot of coronary events.

That's what they're calling it now? Coronary event.

It's-- I had a coronary event.

-It gets you thinking. -I guess.

For example, I mean me, I have no friends, zippo,

unless you count you, which I think we pretty much have to.

-So with me, the total count-- -One.

So if I go--

Zero.

You know... You don't consider me a friend?

Don't take this the wrong way,

I've always considered you more like a son.

OK.

I've always seen you as an vuncular.

He's the one that just had a heart attack.

Vuncular means like an uncle.

It's in "Tale of two cities".

You're thinking uncular, unculiar, unclear.

-You're thinking unclearly. -You're thinking unclearly.

I was born in this hospital.

-You wanna start a tab? -Sure.

How's it going?

I'd like to be left alone.

-Clarissa left me. -Quel surprise!

I'm having trouble sleeping.

I went to the therapist and got meds, but I took too many

and now I'm down to one.

You wouldn't happen to have her contact information?

-Who? The therapist? -Either one.

You shouldn't be back at work, how long has it been?

I feel fine. I don't want be here though.

Let's put you in charge and see how quickly things collapse.

How about Lyle? He got an MBA from Stanford.

No shit?

No shit.

If I felt any better, I'd say, call the Doctor!

Ha ha, that's an old expression, Ham Bone.

Please don't call me "Ham Bone."

I'm just going to lay my head down here on the floor

and rest for a minute.

OK, Ham Boney.

Please don't call me "Ham Boney."

I think it's funny that we all sort of think we're not gonna die.

-If you say so. -I mean what's it all mean?

We're not getting anywhere with your fumbling, alcoholic musings.

-I quit drinking 12 years ago. -If you say so.

I don't have any qualms about wrestling you to the grass,

restraining you, and making you take that back.

Or at least making you promise never to say "if you say so" again.

Is that something that you learned at one of your meetings?

That violence solves nearly everything?

I see his good qualities much more clearly now.

I see very few of his flaws,

like I can't really bring into focus the fact that he saw me,

in many ways, as an afterthought for my entire childhood.

-You look a lot like him. -I don't have to take that.

I just think it's weird that more people didn't turn out.

I expected a turnout, a better turnout.

You could have invited some people.

You don't invite people to a funeral. It's in the newspaper.

Who reads newspapers?

The French. That's who. The French read the newspapers.

You don't have to remind me. I went there once.

Everyone in France has a house that belonged to their parents.

My father, he died, I don't know, like 150 years ago.

He was an oral surgeon. He fleeced people sans qualms.

The only thing I remember about his funeral is that I was drunk,

it was the morning, and I didn't have anything to wear,

so I had to wear an XXXL sweater of his to deliver the eulogy.

Hi!

Can I help you?

Your father gave this to me.

He asked me never to open it.