Original subtitles

♪ My words are lazy ♪ ♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪

♪ But this is one thing ♪ ♪ I'm sure of ♪

♪ Everybody needs ♪ ♪ A best friend ♪

♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪

Thank you. And thank you to Salt-N-Pepa.

Thank you, Bernie Kopell! Thank you to...

Hey, what's the most fucked-up

host-musical guest combo you can think of?

Uh, Buzz Aldrin and Kris Kross.

Oh. That's good.

Joan Didion and Whitesnake.

David Duke and the Wu-Tang Clan.

Judge Lance Ito and the B-52s.

Ted Kennedy and the Dead Kennedys.

That's the one.

- That's good. Right? - Yeah.

Another Saturday night alone in my room.

Why won't you call me?

I'm so lonely, and I want you so bad.

1-900-1HOT-BUTT.

Only $3.99 per minute.

Oh, man, she's so hot.

I wish we could call one of those numbers.

- You want to? - What, are you kidding?

My dad would kill us if we called a 900 number.

Hey, wait a second. Maybe there's an 800 version.

You know, where it's free. Try 1-800.

Okay.

American Airlines, how may I help you?

Aw. Wait, are you horny?

Uh, I don't know. A little, I guess.

Oh.

You might have better luck calling United.

I think they're pretty horny over there.

Okay. Thank you.

No problem. Stay hard, man.

Yeah. You too.

♪ It's showtime ♪

♪ At the Apollo ♪

Oh, a white guy doing stand-up. This should go well.

Ah, fuck. Third period.

I fuckin' hate gym class.

I'm always worried my dick's gonna fall out of my shorts,

and then it never does.

And that doesn't feel good either.

How do you think I feel?

Hey, why don't we go smoke in the supply closet?

- Huh. - What the hell?

Oh, yeah. It's because the janitor hung himself

in there last week.

Oh, yeah.

It's weird. He was so happy when he told us

he had 25 grand riding on the Pats game.

Hey, what about the basement?

Anybody kill themselves down there?

Not that I know of.

Hey, look at that.

What? There's a phone.

Just a random phone down here in the basement?

Yeah.

Johnny.

1-900-HOT-BUTT.

There's a dial tone.

Welcome to 1-900-1HOT-BUTT.

Please stand by for sexy phone fun.

There are two masturbators ahead of you.

- Holy shit. - Holy fuck. Holy fuck.

- Holy shit, Teddy. - Holy fuck. Holy fuck

Hi. Who's this?

- John. - Don't use your real name.

Uh, Jon. No "H."

Hey, sexy. I'm Shauna.

Uh, hey, Shauna.

Are you the girl from the commercial?

That depends.

Was she a naughty brunette with huge tits?

No, she was a blonde with more like B cups.

Yeah. That's me.

Tell me, what would you do to me

if you were here right now?

Y-You mean, like, sex-wise?

Oh, we can do anything you want, baby.

Okay, well, I touch your boob.

Oh, my God.

A-And then, and then I touch the other one.

Oh, God! Slow down.

Teddy, cut it out. You're hurting her.

Oh, shit. Is it too much?

I'm just trying to have fun.

Shauna, teach us how to be good lovers.

♪ Color me your color, baby ♪

♪ Color me your car ♪

♪ Color me ♪ ♪ Your color, darling ♪

♪ I know who you are ♪

♪ Come up off ♪ ♪ Your color chart ♪

♪ I know where ♪ ♪ You're coming from ♪

- ♪ Call me ♪ - ♪ Call me ♪

♪ On the line ♪

♪ Call me, call me ♪ ♪ Any, anytime ♪

- ♪ Call me ♪ - ♪ Call me ♪

♪ I'll arrive ♪

♪ You can call me ♪

♪ Any day or night ♪

♪ Call me ♪

♪ Call me ♪

Hey, Teddy.

Hot butt.

Hey. Hot buttered butt.

Oh. That's good.

- We know. - You're crazy.

You boys sure have been in a good mood lately.

- Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah.

Hey, do you know if Becky called today?

Who's Becky?

Well, I've started tutoring kids

for some extra money, and she's one of my students.

She's nervous about her English test,

so I said she could call me.

Matty, she is the most adorable little girl.

Told you I don't want to know about any new people.

Oh, there she is.

Hello.

What do you want?

You're fuckin' kidding me, right?

No.

Uh, did you hear me? I said no.

I don't know, do you want me to list

the, uh, ten billion fuckin' reasons why?

No. Go fuck yourself.

Was that Becky?

Uh, no.

No, th-that was my dad.

Bernie? What did he want?

He wants to come visit.

Bernie's coming here? Holy shit!

That's great. It's about fuckin' time.

No, no, I have told him over and over again

that I don't want to see him. Ever.

You're talking about your own goddamn father.

H-He said he wants to make things right

between the two of us.

I'm not fuckin' interested, okay?

I don't want him here. Whoa.

Whoa, whoa. Hey.

Bernie can visit here whenever he wants, all right?

This is my house, and he's my big brother.

Yeah? Well, he's my dad, and he's a raging asshole.

I'd appreciate if you just stayed out of this.

Fuck that. You know what? I'm calling him,

and I'm telling him he can come here

and he can stay as long as he wants.

No, Matty, wait. Please don't do this.

My own brother is not gonna be unwelcome in my home.

You really hate him that much?

If he steps foot in this house, I'm fuckin' out of here.

I can't wait to hear Shauna's take on all this.

Hi, this is Candy. Who's this?

Oh, uh, hi, Candy. We normally talk to Shauna.

Shauna's not on call today.

And not because of AIDS.

Oh, okay. We didn't ask.

Legally, you're not allowed to.

Anyway, it's just me, Candy.

You know, like, sweet and sticky.

Well, gosh, Candy, you sound great,

but we've spent a lot of time talking to Shauna.

There's a certain intimacy that develops,

and I'm concerned you won't be able to keep up

with the rapport we've built.

You want me to talk about blowing ya?

Okay. You're up to speed.

So, what's your fantasy?

I'm the hottest record producer in the business,

and you're a total nobody.

What are you gonna do for me?

- Jesus. - What?

That's fuckin' dark.

Well, how would you do it?

Hi. I'm a struggling record producer,

and I need your talents on my label.

We're artists first,

and you will own your own publishing rights.

Okay. And then I take my clothes off.

Keep 'em on, honey. I don't want nothin'

to get in the way of my business.

Which is making hit records. Uh...

You know who else I discovered through phone sex?

Huey Lewis.

He was just like you,

suckin', fuckin', doing it all for a dime.

That's what Power of Love is about.

Like that.

I think I lost my boner.

Good. We got songs to write.

Who, or rather what, was the Ice Man?

Most people assumed it was just...

An entertaining illusion created by a master showman.

- Hey, fuckface! - Hey!

I brought you Coors! On tap!

Ah! Bernie, you son of a bitch!

- I got you. - You got me good.

Come on, give me a hug, you prick.

Yeah. Careful. Ow!

Hug me for real, you rotten bastard.

Listen, don't act like you don't know me.

I know you.

I love you, you cum guzzler.

Why don't you go guzzle some fuckin' cum, you big queer?

It's fun to have company.

Bernie.

Hi!

I blew up an air mattress for you in the attic,

and I put an Andes candy on your pillow.

Oh, yeah. Is that how Matty freshens his breath

after chugging spunk?

Ah!

Wow. It's like having Bob Newhart in the house.

Susie, why do you stay with this fuckin' nut hair?

I love this guy.

I thought Denise was coming with you.

Eh, we got in a fight on 128, so she jumped out of the car.

- Oh. - But speaking of Bennett broads,

there is my princess.

Hiya, Blaire.

Nope, nope, nope. I'm out.

Blaire, that's your father. Say a proper hello.

Seriously, Matty, stay out of this.

Blaire's right. I deserve the cold shoulder.

I gotta earn my daughter's respect.

That's why I'm here. There you go, Johnny.

You're old enough now. - Gee, thanks.

Johnny, absolutely not.

That'll stunt your growth.

That is what happened to the little man

on the Fantasy Islands.

Hi, Bernie. Ted.

I remember you from when you shot all those cats.

Hey, that was Christmas Eve. I get to do what I want.

Right, Matty? - Ow!

Damn it! Knock it off, Bernie.

Me? You're the one who's hitting your balls, Matty.

I'm not. Don't...

Stop hitting your balls!

Stop hitting your balls, Matty!

I will be in my room screaming into a pillow.

Okay.

Ah, fuck, I took a shit.

So who do you like better, Candy or Shauna?

I think I like Shauna better.

Candy's coughing fits kinda take me out of it.

Yeah. You know, I'm actually a little worried about her.

I know.

Also, I hope Heather's son found a kidney.

Well, she said they did, but then it fell

out of the helicopter.

Thank God we make these women cum so much.

Otherwise, they'd be miserable.

The number you have dialed is blocked.

What do you think it means?

I don't know.

Johnny, what if...

What if the school found out about the sex line

and they blocked the number, and now we're in trouble?

Look, let's not get crazy, okay? It's probably nothing.

Everyone, quiet down and listen up.

It has been brought to my attention

that someone at this school

has made a series of extremely inappropriate calls

to an adult phone line.

They used a telephone on school property,

and we have received a bill for nearly $5,000.

Quiet!

This is a serious

and obscene violation of school policy,

and I can promise you that whoever did it

will be caught,

held financially responsible,

and expelled.

We are conducting a full investigation

led by the Massachusetts Board of Education.

Mr. Lawrence.

My name is Avery Lawrence.

I'm the Board of Education's deputy inspector general.

Whoever made these calls,

it'll be much easier for you

if you come forward now.

All right. We'll do it the hard way.

But know this.

Statistically, most masturbators are caught

within the first 48 hours.

Teddy, what the fuck are we gonna do?

Our lives are gonna be ruined.

Look, we just gotta stay cool, okay?

They got no idea it was us.

And if we just wait it out,

they got to give up eventually.

Oh, my God, did you guys hear what happened?

- What? - Principal Bernard says

they're canceling Senior Skip Day

until they catch the masturbator.

Oh, my God. Who did it?

Who's the jackoff who called the phone sex line?

Listen up, you motherfucker!

We waited four years to skip a day of school

in a manner sanctioned

by the Massachusetts Board of Education

and scheduled into the academic curriculum.

And one of you little perverts fucked it all up.

Who was it? Who made the calls?

Show your fucking face!

You can't hide from us!

We're gonna find you, masturbator!

And when we do, you're dead.

Kill the masturbator!

Kill the masturbator!

Kill the masturbator!

Kill the masturbator!

Kill the masturbator!

Kill the masturbator!

I just don't understand what Lyle Lovett sees

in that Julia Roberts.

He could have any woman alive. - What?

Oh, he needs to settle down and not get caught up

in that Hollywood rat race.

Hey, hey, what's this?

A meeting of the best-looking people in the house.

I should fit right in!

Oh, Bernie, you're so funny.

I still think you should get a ventriloquist dummy.

Oh, you'd be so funny with it.

Hey, hey, you mind if me and Blaire talk

in private for a minute?

Oh, of course, of course.

I need to go and cube some fruit for tonight's Jell-O.

We're having green.

No, no. No, no, no. Aunt Suse, you stay.

Anything you want to say to me, you can say in front of her.

Okay. Fine.

Your mother didn't jump out of the car on the highway.

She left me...

over a bunch of shit that was not even my fault.

I don't care what the reason was.

You are a belligerent, untreated alcoholic

who needs help.

And until you get some,

you and I have nothing to say to each other.

Blaire, this time is different.

You come home with me,

and I'll prove it to you.

Come home? Yeah.

I want you to come back and live with me, Blaire.

You mean come back and cook your fuckin' meals for you?

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

I can see I still gotta win you over,

but I will.

You'll see.

Oh, Blaire.

Maybe you should give him a second chance.

According to People magazine,

Jerry Seinfeld made up with his daughter.

Oh, my.

Andrew. Polly. What happened in there?

Mr. Lawrence is interrogating students in pairs

because he thinks there was a team of masturbators.

Wait, he... he does?

He said from the angle of the jizz,

there had to be a second shooter.

I don't even jizz.

Bear. Boy.

You're next.

Hey.

One at a time.

Tuesday,

September 20th,

10:06 to 10:27 a.m.,

where were you?

Study hall.

Mm.

I see. Unstructured time.

Teacher doesn't usually notice if you're not there.

Good chance to sneak off for a cigarette.

You know? A hot butt?

Do you like a hot butt, John?

You jealous, seeing me enjoy this hot butt?

Do you wish you had access to a hot butt like mine?

Should there be another grown-up in here?

Your friend in the other room

already fingered you for the crime.

So you can stop jerking me around.

If you come clean, I'll help get you off.

I... I can't tell if you're deliberately saying stuff

that's masturbation-adjacent or, um...

If you know who did this and you give us names,

the Board of Education will make it worth your while.

Like what?

With things you've never dreamed of.

Like this pencil

with an eraser shaped like a star.

Read what it says on the side of the pencil.

It says "star student."

Star student.

We've ordered recordings of the calls.

When they arrive,

we'll play them over the school's PA system.

Unless you confess now.

You can't do that, Mr. Lawrence.

The hell I can't.

Oh, no. No, like, you really can't.

The PA system's busted.

Everything in this school is broken.

And yet some bastard decides to stick the school

with a phone bill for $5,000!

Who cares if everything is broken?

Who cares if this chair is broken?

Who cares if the whole goddamn system is broken?

Can you not tell anybody I did that?

I'm not supposed to break any more chairs.

Okay.

Can you help me put it back together?

Uh, for the love of Christ, Susan,

hurry up with that sitz bath, huh?

Feels like somebody microwaved a hairbrush

and shoved it in my asshole.

Dr. Larson warned you not to push so hard.

Oh.

Bath time!

I got you again, motherfucker!

Holy shit!

You prick!

God, you're dead! I'm gonna get you for that!

Bernie, come back here!

I'm gonna get you for that!

Look at my little brother with his ass out!

You look like Winnie-the-Pooh!

Where's Ted? Hey, Ted!

It's your boyfriend, Winnie-the-Pooh,

ready for you to fuck him in the ass!

I'm totally gonna get you for that!

You motherfucker! Put me down!

Fuck you, you fat fuck! - Ow!

What the fuck is going on in here?

Hey, Blaire, you wanna buy a sack of ass?

Put me down, Bernie. What?

Susan wanted me to get a puppet. Huh?

I'm Sammy Davis Jr. I only got one brown eye.

Jesus Christ, Dad, put him down.

What? We're just roughhousing.

No. You're roughhousing. He's not.

You're being a fuckin' bully.

Uh, Matty, am I bullying you?

No. We're just messing around, Blaire.

Put him the fuck down.

Whoa! Language.

All right. Fine.

Jeez! - Oh, okay.

I-I really... I really do gotta do that hemorrhoid bath.

All right, go fix your goofy bum, Candyman.

For Christ's sake, go wash your hands.

Why? He's my brother!

Yeah, I'm his brother.

Lawrence knows it's us, I'm sure of it.

We can't pay back $5,000. What are we gonna do?

Go to prison, that's what.

Holy shit. We're gonna get Shawshanked.

We gotta find a way outta here

or the warden's gonna have us shot in the prison yard.

Don't worry, Johnny, I've been digging a hole in the wall

for the past six months.

We can escape through it.

What the fuck?

Yeah. Now we can get outta here.

- You said you dug that for us? - Yeah.

I can't fit through there.

You... You made that for you.

No, it's for both of us.

It's literally shaped exactly like you.

- Ah, no, it's not. - It's got fuckin' ears.

All right, boys, you're coming with me.

The sisters are gonna have their way with you.

See ya.

Wait a minute. That's it.

- What? - We do a Shawshank.

How will being sodomized off-camera solve our problem?

No, no, we do what Andy Dufresne did.

We invent a fake person.

A fake student who confesses to the crime.

- Exactly. - That's the answer.

But it's gonna take some planning.

We better get some sleep.

Right.

Hey, Teddy. We're in this together, right?

I mean, you'd never really sell me out.

No, never, Johnny.

We know the name of the masturbator.

His name is Jeremy Schwarzfinger.

And who is Jeremy Schwarzfinger?

Only the worst kid

who's ever gone to John Hancock High.

Three years ago,

Jeremy vandalized the entire school.

You see? Look at this desk.

You said Jeremy did this three years ago.

That's right.

This is a fresh carving.

H... How can you tell?

Because it's in the shape of the Sublime logo.

And no one in Framingham

was listening to Sublime before 1992,

when their debut studio album, 40oz. to Freedom,

rocked the charts.

Do you know what I think?

I think you two carved this

moments before I walked in here

with the knife that's in your back pocket.

You boys feel that sensation in your throats?

That's the noose tightening.

Why'd you have to go with the fuckin' Sublime logo?

I don't know, I just thought maybe Jeremy likes Sublime.

What, do you got a backstory for this fuckin' kid?

No, no, I'm just... Hold on a second, Teddy.

You might be onto something here.

- What? - We give Jeremy a backstory.

A school file on paper.

We make it so detailed that it becomes undeniable.

I don't wanna just know this guy's name.

I wanna know what he jizzed for breakfast.

Jizzed for breakfast?

You know what I mean.

No, I don't.

And I don't think I wanna be your friend anymore.

Okay. What?

Guess what this is.

Um, the crate of Wild Turkey

you're gonna drink before bed tonight?

Even better.

What do you think?

What the fuck is it?

It's a dollhouse.

You always wanted one when you were a kid.

So I stayed up all night building it.

Oh, thanks. I've always wanted tetanus.

Fine. I'm the bad guy.

No matter what I do, it's not good enough.

And I... And I should never, ever be forgiven.

Okay, all right. All right.

It's a nice gesture.

Thank you. Now we're talking.

Come home with me.

If you do, I know your mother will too.

Wait.

That's what this is all about?

Getting Mom back?

Yeah!

Because then we'll be a family again.

And that's all I want, Blaire, I swear to God.

I'll think about it. On one condition.

- Anything. - Just go easier on Matty.

All right? I don't like the way you treat him.

And I never wanna see his asshole again.

I will be more respectful to my little brother.

Thank you.

Oh, shit!

What are you doing down there?

- Uh, we just... - Oh, no, no, no, no.

Mr. Lawrence,

I don't think I've ever done anything in my life, actually.

Nothing. We were just messing around, is all.

- Speak. - We found Jeremy's file.

The really bad kid who definitely exists.

All the details about him are right here.

He even has a full mustache as a teenager.

He's that bad. Look.

I don't need to look

because I don't believe there is a Jeremy.

I believe the two of you made the sex calls.

Do you know what this is?

Is that one of those things they put

pizzas in the oven with?

It's a masturbator paddle.

Ew! And that's what they're putting the pizzas in with?

It was used to beat sinners

at the Holy Child Catholic School in Newburyport.

And when I prove the two of you made the calls,

you both will know the pain of the paddle.

I'm watching you.

We'll get them, Beatrice.

We'll get them.

What the fuck do we do now? He's gonna get us.

- We gotta make Jeremy real. - How?

Everybody at school's gotta see him with their own eyes.

I got an idea.

Susan, the casserole is exquisite.

Thank you, Bernie.

Well, I'm gonna raise my glass

'cause Blaire and me got a big announcement.

We do?

Blaire's moving back home!

I'm gonna be pissed.

It's Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, in that order. Oh.

Okay. Hold on, hold on.

I have not made any decision yet.

I'm considering moving back home,

but I've not decided a thing.

Come on. You know you're in.

And, hey, you better watch out, Matty.

I might take Susan home with me too.

- Oh! - Ha! Ah, come on.

Be honest, Susan. You were into me first.

Oh. Bernie, stop.

Bernie, just keep it to yourself, huh?

Well, it's true. You know, Johnny,

another ten minutes behind that A&P with Susan,

I might have been your father.

Hey! Hey! Bernie.

- Apologize to her. - Huh?

You fuckin' heard me.

Apologize to Susan right now.

And then apologize to Matty

for every single fuckin' thing you've done since you got here.

Hey. Whoa, whoa.

We're brothers, Blaire.

We give each other the business.

That's not what this is.

It's completely one-sided, and you're a fuckin' bully.

Blaire, come on.

Jesus Christ!

We're just trying to have a few laughs.

Okay. You don't wanna apologize?

Then get out. - Blaire, knock it off.

He... He's just messing around. Yeah.

Don't twist your panties. It was a joke.

Fuck it.

Oh, shit!

Oh, goddamn it!

The fuck is wrong with you?

Relax, Dad. We're just roughhousing.

You know, giving each other the business.

You know what, Blaire? Fuck you!

You know, you're not allowed back home.

You're disinvited.

You're a psycho, just like your mother.

Goddamn it!

Hey. Bernie, wait!

Matty, which order would you fuck the women from Friends?

Hey, everybody. Jeremy's outside.

You gotta come see what he's gonna do.

- Who? - Jeremy.

You know that really bad kid who goes here?

The one who was really into Sublime even before 1992?

Okay?

Jeremy's gonna do a jump on his BMX.

He's jumping over three cars. Three cars?

Yeah, three cars.

Everybody, come watch Jeremy.

There he is. There's Jeremy.

I can't believe that kid we go to school with

is attempting this awesome jump.

Let's all chant his name.

Jeremy!

Jeremy! Jeremy!

Jeremy! Jeremy! Jeremy!

I've known Jeremy for years.

We're really close. - I've known him longer.

He's my best friend.

I've been dating Jeremy since the sixth grade.

Jeremy's wealthy parents are taking us to Europe this summer.

Jeremy blew me at a sleepover and told me not to tell anyone.

Well, hey there, everybody.

I was just in the bathroom

relieving myself of the day's waste.

Kind of a rough one, as you can see.

What's going on out here?

Oh, hey, John.

Jeremy, that kid we go to school with

made a badass jump,

and now everyone's saying

they did anal with him and stuff.

Now, that is crazy,

'cause I saw Jeremy this morning,

and he gave me this letter in case he died.

"To whom it may concern,

I called the phone sex line 1-900-HOT-BUTT."

"I can't live with the shame,

so I wanted to perform one last awesome act,

then disappear into hiding.

Sincerely, Jeremy Schwarzfinger."

Seems I owe you boys an apology.

Yeah, you were a real fuckin' dick.

And you got totally proved wrong in front of the whole school.

I will find you, Jeremy.

If it takes me the rest of my days,

I will find you...

and I will kill you.

Well, Teddy, looks like we did it.

Let's go.

Do you understand why your mother and your sister

feel this way, though?

Yes, I do. They worry about me.

But it's time that I... I mature...

Hey. And I have to learn

from my experiences.

- Hey. - Okay.

- Beer? - Sure.

You said, uh...

Do you have respect for yourself?

Yes, I do.

If you dress like that, you don't.

Because I have...

Right?

I have two daughters, 22 and 30...

Still can't stop thinking about the look on my brother's face

when you threw that casserole at him.

Pretty fuckin' good.

I was gonna give him the business,

but you beat me to it.

- Yeah. - Bennetts, right?

We... We fuckin' love messing with each other, right?

We sure do.

You're also going to meet a mother

who says her daughter dresses and acts like such a tramp...

- Hey, Matty? - Yeah.

I'm glad I'm here.

Hey, did you hear about this kid, Jeremy?

♪ Oh, you've got a headful ♪ ♪ Of someone dreadful ♪

♪ And yet, alas ♪ ♪ That someone adores you ♪

♪ Everybody needs ♪ ♪ A best friend ♪

♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪

♪ I'm just a clown ♪

♪ And I'll bring you down ♪

♪ But you just don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause your ♪

♪ Best friend is me ♪