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1
00:00:13,274 --> 00:00:16,711
♪ My words are lazy ♪
♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪
2
00:00:16,712 --> 00:00:20,019
♪ But this is one thing ♪
♪ I'm sure of ♪
3
00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:23,587
♪ Everybody needs ♪
♪ A best friend ♪
4
00:00:23,588 --> 00:00:26,113
♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪
5
00:00:28,332 --> 00:00:31,596
Thank you.
And thank you to Salt-N-Pepa.
6
00:00:31,814 --> 00:00:35,557
Thank you, Bernie Kopell!
Thank you to...
7
00:00:35,774 --> 00:00:37,080
Hey, what's the most fucked-up
8
00:00:37,298 --> 00:00:39,039
host-musical guest combo
you can think of?
9
00:00:39,691 --> 00:00:41,780
Uh, Buzz Aldrin and Kris Kross.
10
00:00:41,998 --> 00:00:42,955
Oh. That's good.
11
00:00:43,130 --> 00:00:44,740
Joan Didion and Whitesnake.
12
00:00:44,957 --> 00:00:46,568
David Duke and the Wu-Tang Clan.
13
00:00:46,785 --> 00:00:48,613
Judge Lance Ito and the B-52s.
14
00:00:48,831 --> 00:00:50,137
Ted Kennedy
and the Dead Kennedys.
15
00:00:50,354 --> 00:00:51,399
That's the one.
16
00:00:51,616 --> 00:00:53,053
- That's good. Right?
- Yeah.
17
00:00:53,705 --> 00:00:56,143
Another Saturday night
alone in my room.
18
00:00:57,144 --> 00:00:58,145
Why won't you call me?
19
00:00:59,624 --> 00:01:02,497
I'm so lonely,
and I want you so bad.
20
00:01:03,411 --> 00:01:07,110
1-900-1HOT-BUTT.
21
00:01:07,893 --> 00:01:09,417
Only $3.99 per minute.
22
00:01:09,634 --> 00:01:11,593
Oh, man, she's so hot.
23
00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:13,595
I wish we could call
one of those numbers.
24
00:01:14,596 --> 00:01:16,162
- You want to?
- What, are you kidding?
25
00:01:16,163 --> 00:01:18,426
My dad would kill us
if we called a 900 number.
26
00:01:18,643 --> 00:01:20,950
Hey, wait a second.
Maybe there's an 800 version.
27
00:01:21,124 --> 00:01:22,865
You know, where it's free.
Try 1-800.
28
00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:24,084
Okay.
29
00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:31,308
American Airlines,
how may I help you?
30
00:01:31,526 --> 00:01:34,485
Aw. Wait, are you horny?
31
00:01:34,964 --> 00:01:37,401
Uh, I don't know.
A little, I guess.
32
00:01:37,619 --> 00:01:39,010
Oh.
33
00:01:39,011 --> 00:01:40,273
You might have better luck
calling United.
34
00:01:40,274 --> 00:01:42,145
I think they're pretty horny
over there.
35
00:01:42,363 --> 00:01:44,016
Okay. Thank you.
36
00:01:44,191 --> 00:01:45,844
No problem. Stay hard, man.
37
00:01:46,062 --> 00:01:47,107
Yeah. You too.
38
00:01:47,455 --> 00:01:48,891
♪ It's showtime ♪
39
00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:51,588
♪ At the Apollo ♪
40
00:01:51,589 --> 00:01:54,331
Oh, a white guy doing stand-up.
This should go well.
41
00:01:59,380 --> 00:02:01,164
Ah, fuck. Third period.
42
00:02:01,382 --> 00:02:02,991
I fuckin' hate gym class.
43
00:02:02,992 --> 00:02:05,342
I'm always worried my dick's
gonna fall out of my shorts,
44
00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:06,690
and then it never does.
45
00:02:06,691 --> 00:02:08,040
And that doesn't
feel good either.
46
00:02:08,215 --> 00:02:09,650
How do you think I feel?
47
00:02:09,651 --> 00:02:11,392
Hey, why don't we go smoke
in the supply closet?
48
00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:18,703
- Huh.
- What the hell?
49
00:02:19,095 --> 00:02:21,010
Oh, yeah. It's because
the janitor hung himself
50
00:02:21,184 --> 00:02:22,097
in there last week.
51
00:02:22,098 --> 00:02:23,795
Oh, yeah.
52
00:02:24,013 --> 00:02:25,623
It's weird. He was so happy
when he told us
53
00:02:25,841 --> 00:02:28,017
he had 25 grand
riding on the Pats game.
54
00:02:28,191 --> 00:02:29,322
Hey, what about the basement?
55
00:02:29,323 --> 00:02:31,020
Anybody kill themselves
down there?
56
00:02:31,194 --> 00:02:32,021
Not that I know of.
57
00:02:41,900 --> 00:02:43,032
Hey, look at that.
58
00:02:43,641 --> 00:02:45,295
What?
There's a phone.
59
00:02:45,513 --> 00:02:47,950
Just a random phone
down here in the basement?
60
00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:48,950
Yeah.
61
00:02:48,951 --> 00:02:50,213
Johnny.
62
00:02:51,127 --> 00:02:52,911
1-900-HOT-BUTT.
63
00:02:56,132 --> 00:02:57,829
There's a dial tone.
64
00:03:05,576 --> 00:03:09,101
Welcome to 1-900-1HOT-BUTT.
65
00:03:09,276 --> 00:03:12,061
Please stand by
for sexy phone fun.
66
00:03:12,235 --> 00:03:15,282
There are two masturbators
ahead of you.
67
00:03:15,499 --> 00:03:16,760
- Holy shit.
- Holy fuck. Holy fuck.
68
00:03:16,761 --> 00:03:17,892
- Holy shit, Teddy.
- Holy fuck. Holy fuck
69
00:03:17,893 --> 00:03:19,982
Hi. Who's this?
70
00:03:20,939 --> 00:03:22,375
- John.
- Don't use your real name.
71
00:03:22,376 --> 00:03:23,768
Uh, Jon. No "H."
72
00:03:23,986 --> 00:03:26,336
Hey, sexy. I'm Shauna.
73
00:03:26,554 --> 00:03:28,033
Uh, hey, Shauna.
74
00:03:28,382 --> 00:03:30,122
Are you the girl
from the commercial?
75
00:03:30,297 --> 00:03:31,602
That depends.
76
00:03:31,820 --> 00:03:34,866
Was she a naughty brunette
with huge tits?
77
00:03:35,084 --> 00:03:37,260
No, she was a blonde
with more like B cups.
78
00:03:37,478 --> 00:03:38,739
Yeah. That's me.
79
00:03:38,740 --> 00:03:40,958
Tell me, what would you do to me
80
00:03:40,959 --> 00:03:43,266
if you were here right now?
81
00:03:43,484 --> 00:03:45,312
Y-You mean, like, sex-wise?
82
00:03:45,529 --> 00:03:48,271
Oh, we can do anything
you want, baby.
83
00:03:48,489 --> 00:03:51,274
Okay, well, I touch your boob.
84
00:03:51,492 --> 00:03:53,276
Oh, my God.
85
00:03:53,494 --> 00:03:55,322
A-And then,
and then I touch the other one.
86
00:03:55,539 --> 00:03:58,194
Oh, God! Slow down.
87
00:03:58,368 --> 00:03:59,499
Teddy, cut it out.
You're hurting her.
88
00:03:59,500 --> 00:04:00,718
Oh, shit. Is it too much?
89
00:04:00,936 --> 00:04:02,285
I'm just trying to have fun.
90
00:04:02,503 --> 00:04:04,940
Shauna, teach us
how to be good lovers.
91
00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:24,393
♪ Color me your color, baby ♪
92
00:04:24,394 --> 00:04:26,222
♪ Color me your car ♪
93
00:04:27,919 --> 00:04:30,834
♪ Color me ♪
♪ Your color, darling ♪
94
00:04:30,835 --> 00:04:34,099
♪ I know who you are ♪
95
00:04:34,622 --> 00:04:38,102
♪ Come up off ♪
♪ Your color chart ♪
96
00:04:38,103 --> 00:04:40,627
♪ I know where ♪
♪ You're coming from ♪
97
00:04:40,628 --> 00:04:42,368
- ♪ Call me ♪
- ♪ Call me ♪
98
00:04:42,369 --> 00:04:43,934
♪ On the line ♪
99
00:04:43,935 --> 00:04:47,764
♪ Call me, call me ♪
♪ Any, anytime ♪
100
00:04:47,765 --> 00:04:49,375
- ♪ Call me ♪
- ♪ Call me ♪
101
00:04:49,376 --> 00:04:50,550
♪ I'll arrive ♪
102
00:04:50,551 --> 00:04:52,378
♪ You can call me ♪
103
00:04:52,379 --> 00:04:54,423
♪ Any day or night ♪
104
00:04:54,424 --> 00:04:55,382
♪ Call me ♪
105
00:05:01,257 --> 00:05:02,824
♪ Call me ♪
106
00:05:05,087 --> 00:05:06,175
Hey, Teddy.
107
00:05:06,697 --> 00:05:07,742
Hot butt.
108
00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:11,354
Hey. Hot buttered butt.
109
00:05:11,572 --> 00:05:13,051
Oh. That's good.
110
00:05:13,269 --> 00:05:14,574
- We know.
- You're crazy.
111
00:05:14,575 --> 00:05:17,360
You boys sure have been
in a good mood lately.
112
00:05:17,578 --> 00:05:19,362
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
113
00:05:19,580 --> 00:05:21,364
Hey, do you know
if Becky called today?
114
00:05:21,582 --> 00:05:22,712
Who's Becky?
115
00:05:22,713 --> 00:05:24,367
Well, I've started tutoring kids
116
00:05:24,585 --> 00:05:26,456
for some extra money,
and she's one of my students.
117
00:05:26,674 --> 00:05:28,110
She's nervous about
her English test,
118
00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:29,632
so I said she could call me.
119
00:05:29,633 --> 00:05:32,375
Matty, she is
the most adorable little girl.
120
00:05:32,593 --> 00:05:34,377
Told you I don't want
to know about any new people.
121
00:05:34,595 --> 00:05:35,987
Oh, there she is.
122
00:05:40,427 --> 00:05:41,428
Hello.
123
00:05:43,430 --> 00:05:44,779
What do you want?
124
00:05:45,736 --> 00:05:47,651
You're fuckin'
kidding me, right?
125
00:05:48,260 --> 00:05:49,349
No.
126
00:05:50,045 --> 00:05:52,134
Uh, did you hear me?
I said no.
127
00:05:53,091 --> 00:05:54,353
I don't know,
do you want me to list
128
00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:56,225
the, uh, ten billion
fuckin' reasons why?
129
00:05:56,834 --> 00:05:58,401
No. Go fuck yourself.
130
00:06:00,621 --> 00:06:01,404
Was that Becky?
131
00:06:01,926 --> 00:06:03,188
Uh, no.
132
00:06:04,102 --> 00:06:06,714
No, th-that was my dad.
133
00:06:07,192 --> 00:06:09,150
Bernie? What did he want?
134
00:06:09,151 --> 00:06:10,500
He wants to come visit.
135
00:06:10,718 --> 00:06:13,155
Bernie's coming here?
Holy shit!
136
00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:15,244
That's great.
It's about fuckin' time.
137
00:06:15,418 --> 00:06:17,855
No, no, I have told him
over and over again
138
00:06:18,073 --> 00:06:19,640
that I don't want
to see him. Ever.
139
00:06:19,857 --> 00:06:21,424
You're talking about
your own goddamn father.
140
00:06:21,642 --> 00:06:23,426
H-He said he wants
to make things right
141
00:06:23,644 --> 00:06:24,774
between the two of us.
142
00:06:24,775 --> 00:06:26,255
I'm not fuckin' interested, okay?
143
00:06:26,429 --> 00:06:27,430
I don't want him here.
Whoa.
144
00:06:27,648 --> 00:06:29,301
Whoa, whoa. Hey.
145
00:06:29,476 --> 00:06:31,434
Bernie can visit here
whenever he wants, all right?
146
00:06:31,652 --> 00:06:33,741
This is my house,
and he's my big brother.
147
00:06:33,958 --> 00:06:36,482
Yeah? Well, he's my dad,
and he's a raging asshole.
148
00:06:36,483 --> 00:06:38,920
I'd appreciate
if you just stayed out of this.
149
00:06:39,137 --> 00:06:41,444
Fuck that. You know what?
I'm calling him,
150
00:06:41,662 --> 00:06:42,792
and I'm telling him
he can come here
151
00:06:42,793 --> 00:06:44,447
and he can stay
as long as he wants.
152
00:06:44,665 --> 00:06:46,187
No, Matty, wait.
Please don't do this.
153
00:06:46,188 --> 00:06:48,451
My own brother is not gonna be
unwelcome in my home.
154
00:06:51,367 --> 00:06:52,846
You really hate him that much?
155
00:06:52,847 --> 00:06:56,111
If he steps foot in this house,
I'm fuckin' out of here.
156
00:06:59,201 --> 00:07:01,725
I can't wait to hear
Shauna's take on all this.
157
00:07:07,992 --> 00:07:11,343
Hi, this is Candy.
Who's this?
158
00:07:11,518 --> 00:07:14,999
Oh, uh, hi, Candy.
We normally talk to Shauna.
159
00:07:15,217 --> 00:07:16,958
Shauna's not on call today.
160
00:07:17,175 --> 00:07:18,568
And not because of AIDS.
161
00:07:18,786 --> 00:07:21,702
Oh, okay. We didn't ask.
162
00:07:21,919 --> 00:07:23,660
Legally, you're not allowed to.
163
00:07:23,878 --> 00:07:26,663
Anyway, it's just me, Candy.
164
00:07:26,881 --> 00:07:29,230
You know, like,
sweet and sticky.
165
00:07:29,231 --> 00:07:31,494
Well, gosh, Candy,
you sound great,
166
00:07:31,712 --> 00:07:34,365
but we've spent a lot of time
talking to Shauna.
167
00:07:34,366 --> 00:07:36,368
There's a certain intimacy
that develops,
168
00:07:36,543 --> 00:07:37,761
and I'm concerned
you won't be able to keep up
169
00:07:37,979 --> 00:07:39,414
with the rapport we've built.
170
00:07:39,415 --> 00:07:41,112
You want me
to talk about blowing ya?
171
00:07:41,330 --> 00:07:42,462
Okay. You're up to speed.
172
00:07:42,636 --> 00:07:43,941
So, what's your fantasy?
173
00:07:44,159 --> 00:07:46,509
I'm the hottest record producer
in the business,
174
00:07:46,727 --> 00:07:47,902
and you're a total nobody.
175
00:07:48,119 --> 00:07:49,512
What are you gonna do for me?
176
00:07:49,730 --> 00:07:51,514
- Jesus.
- What?
177
00:07:51,732 --> 00:07:52,907
That's fuckin' dark.
178
00:07:53,124 --> 00:07:54,386
Well, how would you do it?
179
00:07:54,561 --> 00:07:56,345
Hi. I'm a struggling
record producer,
180
00:07:56,519 --> 00:07:57,781
and I need your talents
on my label.
181
00:07:57,999 --> 00:07:59,391
We're artists first,
182
00:07:59,566 --> 00:08:01,219
and you will own
your own publishing rights.
183
00:08:01,437 --> 00:08:03,526
Okay.
And then I take my clothes off.
184
00:08:03,744 --> 00:08:04,962
Keep 'em on, honey.
I don't want nothin'
185
00:08:05,180 --> 00:08:06,441
to get in the way
of my business.
186
00:08:06,442 --> 00:08:07,965
Which is making hit records.
Uh...
187
00:08:08,183 --> 00:08:09,924
You know who else I discovered
through phone sex?
188
00:08:10,141 --> 00:08:10,924
Huey Lewis.
189
00:08:10,925 --> 00:08:12,142
He was just like you,
190
00:08:12,143 --> 00:08:13,971
suckin', fuckin',
doing it all for a dime.
191
00:08:14,189 --> 00:08:15,277
That's what
Power of Love is about.
192
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:16,713
Like that.
193
00:08:16,931 --> 00:08:17,845
I think I lost my boner.
194
00:08:18,062 --> 00:08:19,542
Good. We got songs to write.
195
00:08:23,807 --> 00:08:26,723
Who, or rather what,
was the Ice Man?
196
00:08:27,158 --> 00:08:28,551
Most people assumed
it was just...
197
00:08:31,119 --> 00:08:33,556
An entertaining illusion
created by a master showman.
198
00:08:35,645 --> 00:08:37,473
- Hey, fuckface!
- Hey!
199
00:08:37,647 --> 00:08:39,562
I brought you Coors! On tap!
200
00:08:39,780 --> 00:08:41,521
Ah! Bernie,
you son of a bitch!
201
00:08:41,695 --> 00:08:42,956
- I got you.
- You got me good.
202
00:08:42,957 --> 00:08:44,567
Come on,
give me a hug, you prick.
203
00:08:44,785 --> 00:08:46,047
Yeah. Careful. Ow!
204
00:08:46,264 --> 00:08:47,570
Hug me for real,
you rotten bastard.
205
00:08:47,788 --> 00:08:49,180
Listen, don't act
like you don't know me.
206
00:08:49,398 --> 00:08:50,312
I know you.
207
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:52,095
I love you, you cum guzzler.
208
00:08:52,096 --> 00:08:54,663
Why don't you go guzzle some
fuckin' cum, you big queer?
209
00:08:54,664 --> 00:08:56,536
It's fun to have company.
210
00:08:56,710 --> 00:08:57,754
Bernie.
211
00:08:57,972 --> 00:08:59,582
Hi!
212
00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:02,585
I blew up an air mattress
for you in the attic,
213
00:09:02,803 --> 00:09:05,109
and I put an Andes candy
on your pillow.
214
00:09:05,327 --> 00:09:07,677
Oh, yeah. Is that how
Matty freshens his breath
215
00:09:07,895 --> 00:09:08,896
after chugging spunk?
216
00:09:09,113 --> 00:09:10,549
Ah!
217
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,769
Wow. It's like having
Bob Newhart in the house.
218
00:09:12,987 --> 00:09:14,684
Susie, why do you stay
with this fuckin' nut hair?
219
00:09:14,902 --> 00:09:16,119
I love this guy.
220
00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:17,774
I thought Denise
was coming with you.
221
00:09:17,992 --> 00:09:21,604
Eh, we got in a fight on 128,
so she jumped out of the car.
222
00:09:21,822 --> 00:09:24,607
- Oh.
- But speaking of Bennett broads,
223
00:09:24,825 --> 00:09:26,609
there is my princess.
224
00:09:26,827 --> 00:09:27,740
Hiya, Blaire.
225
00:09:27,741 --> 00:09:29,481
Nope, nope, nope. I'm out.
226
00:09:29,656 --> 00:09:31,614
Blaire, that's your father.
Say a proper hello.
227
00:09:31,832 --> 00:09:33,573
Seriously, Matty,
stay out of this.
228
00:09:33,747 --> 00:09:35,705
Blaire's right.
I deserve the cold shoulder.
229
00:09:35,923 --> 00:09:37,489
I gotta earn
my daughter's respect.
230
00:09:37,664 --> 00:09:39,491
That's why I'm here.
There you go, Johnny.
231
00:09:39,666 --> 00:09:41,318
You're old enough now.
- Gee, thanks.
232
00:09:41,319 --> 00:09:42,755
Johnny, absolutely not.
233
00:09:42,756 --> 00:09:44,366
That'll stunt your growth.
234
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:46,107
That is what happened
to the little man
235
00:09:46,324 --> 00:09:47,499
on the Fantasy Islands.
236
00:09:47,674 --> 00:09:49,152
Hi, Bernie. Ted.
237
00:09:49,153 --> 00:09:51,460
I remember you from
when you shot all those cats.
238
00:09:51,634 --> 00:09:54,289
Hey, that was Christmas Eve.
I get to do what I want.
239
00:09:54,506 --> 00:09:55,682
Right, Matty?
- Ow!
240
00:09:56,204 --> 00:09:57,727
Damn it! Knock it off, Bernie.
241
00:09:57,945 --> 00:09:59,642
Me? You're the one
who's hitting your balls, Matty.
242
00:09:59,860 --> 00:10:02,384
I'm not. Don't...
243
00:10:04,125 --> 00:10:05,691
Stop hitting your balls!
244
00:10:05,692 --> 00:10:07,431
Stop hitting your balls, Matty!
245
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:12,655
I will be in my room
screaming into a pillow.
246
00:10:12,873 --> 00:10:13,656
Okay.
247
00:10:16,093 --> 00:10:17,747
Ah, fuck, I took a shit.
248
00:10:23,797 --> 00:10:26,147
So who do you like better,
Candy or Shauna?
249
00:10:26,364 --> 00:10:27,931
I think I like Shauna better.
250
00:10:28,149 --> 00:10:30,064
Candy's coughing fits
kinda take me out of it.
251
00:10:30,281 --> 00:10:32,370
Yeah. You know, I'm actually
a little worried about her.
252
00:10:32,588 --> 00:10:33,849
I know.
253
00:10:33,850 --> 00:10:35,721
Also, I hope
Heather's son found a kidney.
254
00:10:35,722 --> 00:10:37,114
Well, she said they did,
but then it fell
255
00:10:37,332 --> 00:10:38,593
out of the helicopter.
256
00:10:38,594 --> 00:10:40,074
Thank God we make
these women cum so much.
257
00:10:40,291 --> 00:10:41,510
Otherwise, they'd be miserable.
258
00:10:49,997 --> 00:10:51,781
The number
you have dialed is blocked.
259
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:00,790
What do you think it means?
260
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:02,531
I don't know.
261
00:11:02,705 --> 00:11:04,054
Johnny, what if...
262
00:11:04,272 --> 00:11:06,100
What if the school found out
about the sex line
263
00:11:06,317 --> 00:11:08,145
and they blocked the number,
and now we're in trouble?
264
00:11:08,363 --> 00:11:11,279
Look, let's not get crazy,
okay? It's probably nothing.
265
00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:16,676
Everyone, quiet down
and listen up.
266
00:11:17,328 --> 00:11:18,547
It has been brought
to my attention
267
00:11:18,721 --> 00:11:20,156
that someone at this school
268
00:11:20,157 --> 00:11:23,334
has made a series
of extremely inappropriate calls
269
00:11:23,552 --> 00:11:24,771
to an adult phone line.
270
00:11:25,162 --> 00:11:27,251
They used a telephone
on school property,
271
00:11:27,469 --> 00:11:31,167
and we have received
a bill for nearly $5,000.
272
00:11:33,649 --> 00:11:35,042
Quiet!
273
00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:37,261
This is a serious
274
00:11:37,479 --> 00:11:40,047
and obscene violation
of school policy,
275
00:11:40,525 --> 00:11:42,789
and I can promise you
that whoever did it
276
00:11:43,006 --> 00:11:43,920
will be caught,
277
00:11:44,138 --> 00:11:46,227
held financially responsible,
278
00:11:46,444 --> 00:11:47,750
and expelled.
279
00:11:47,968 --> 00:11:50,448
We are conducting
a full investigation
280
00:11:50,666 --> 00:11:53,147
led by the Massachusetts
Board of Education.
281
00:11:53,974 --> 00:11:55,323
Mr. Lawrence.
282
00:12:03,505 --> 00:12:06,073
My name is Avery Lawrence.
283
00:12:06,900 --> 00:12:09,772
I'm the Board of Education's
deputy inspector general.
284
00:12:10,686 --> 00:12:12,644
Whoever made these calls,
285
00:12:12,819 --> 00:12:14,037
it'll be much easier for you
286
00:12:14,255 --> 00:12:15,909
if you come forward now.
287
00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:23,830
All right.
We'll do it the hard way.
288
00:12:24,526 --> 00:12:25,875
But know this.
289
00:12:26,093 --> 00:12:28,878
Statistically,
most masturbators are caught
290
00:12:29,096 --> 00:12:30,532
within the first 48 hours.
291
00:12:40,150 --> 00:12:42,326
Teddy, what the fuck
are we gonna do?
292
00:12:42,544 --> 00:12:43,937
Our lives are gonna be ruined.
293
00:12:44,154 --> 00:12:45,765
Look, we just gotta
stay cool, okay?
294
00:12:45,939 --> 00:12:46,940
They got no idea it was us.
295
00:12:47,157 --> 00:12:48,114
And if we just wait it out,
296
00:12:48,115 --> 00:12:49,376
they got to give up eventually.
297
00:12:49,377 --> 00:12:51,379
Oh, my God,
did you guys hear what happened?
298
00:12:51,596 --> 00:12:52,946
- What?
- Principal Bernard says
299
00:12:53,163 --> 00:12:54,121
they're canceling
Senior Skip Day
300
00:12:54,338 --> 00:12:55,775
until they catch
the masturbator.
301
00:12:55,949 --> 00:12:58,080
Oh, my God.
Who did it?
302
00:12:58,081 --> 00:13:01,084
Who's the jackoff
who called the phone sex line?
303
00:13:02,303 --> 00:13:03,957
Listen up, you motherfucker!
304
00:13:04,174 --> 00:13:06,786
We waited four years to skip
a day of school
305
00:13:07,003 --> 00:13:08,221
in a manner sanctioned
306
00:13:08,222 --> 00:13:09,832
by the Massachusetts
Board of Education
307
00:13:10,050 --> 00:13:11,791
and scheduled
into the academic curriculum.
308
00:13:12,008 --> 00:13:14,968
And one of you little perverts
fucked it all up.
309
00:13:15,533 --> 00:13:18,014
Who was it? Who made the calls?
310
00:13:18,232 --> 00:13:19,973
Show your fucking face!
311
00:13:20,190 --> 00:13:21,409
You can't hide from us!
312
00:13:21,626 --> 00:13:23,019
We're gonna find you,
masturbator!
313
00:13:23,237 --> 00:13:24,804
And when we do, you're dead.
314
00:13:25,021 --> 00:13:26,806
Kill the masturbator!
315
00:13:26,980 --> 00:13:28,895
Kill the masturbator!
316
00:13:29,112 --> 00:13:31,026
Kill the masturbator!
317
00:13:31,027 --> 00:13:32,855
Kill the masturbator!
318
00:13:33,073 --> 00:13:34,988
Kill the masturbator!
319
00:13:35,205 --> 00:13:37,294
Kill the masturbator!
320
00:13:50,438 --> 00:13:54,007
I just don't understand
what Lyle Lovett sees
321
00:13:54,224 --> 00:13:56,531
in that Julia Roberts.
322
00:13:56,748 --> 00:13:59,621
He could have any woman alive.
- What?
323
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:02,276
Oh, he needs to settle down
and not get caught up
324
00:14:02,493 --> 00:14:04,582
in that Hollywood rat race.
325
00:14:05,105 --> 00:14:07,498
Hey, hey, what's this?
326
00:14:07,716 --> 00:14:10,458
A meeting of the best-looking
people in the house.
327
00:14:10,675 --> 00:14:12,025
I should fit right in!
328
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:16,203
Oh, Bernie, you're so funny.
329
00:14:16,420 --> 00:14:19,032
I still think you should get
a ventriloquist dummy.
330
00:14:19,249 --> 00:14:20,860
Oh, you'd be so funny with it.
331
00:14:21,077 --> 00:14:23,645
Hey, hey, you mind
if me and Blaire talk
332
00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:24,907
in private for a minute?
333
00:14:25,125 --> 00:14:28,041
Oh, of course, of course.
334
00:14:28,258 --> 00:14:31,871
I need to go and cube
some fruit for tonight's Jell-O.
335
00:14:32,088 --> 00:14:33,307
We're having green.
336
00:14:33,524 --> 00:14:35,091
No, no. No, no, no.
Aunt Suse, you stay.
337
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:38,051
Anything you want to say to me,
you can say in front of her.
338
00:14:40,357 --> 00:14:44,187
Okay. Fine.
339
00:14:47,277 --> 00:14:50,193
Your mother didn't jump
out of the car on the highway.
340
00:14:52,543 --> 00:14:53,893
She left me...
341
00:14:54,850 --> 00:14:57,287
over a bunch of shit
that was not even my fault.
342
00:14:57,505 --> 00:14:58,985
I don't care
what the reason was.
343
00:14:59,202 --> 00:15:00,900
You are a belligerent,
untreated alcoholic
344
00:15:01,074 --> 00:15:02,249
who needs help.
345
00:15:02,466 --> 00:15:03,815
And until you get some,
346
00:15:03,990 --> 00:15:06,514
you and I have nothing
to say to each other.
347
00:15:06,731 --> 00:15:08,210
Blaire, this time is different.
348
00:15:08,211 --> 00:15:10,126
You come home with me,
349
00:15:10,344 --> 00:15:11,301
and I'll prove it to you.
350
00:15:11,519 --> 00:15:13,477
Come home?
Yeah.
351
00:15:13,695 --> 00:15:15,523
I want you to come back
and live with me, Blaire.
352
00:15:15,740 --> 00:15:18,004
You mean come back and cook
your fuckin' meals for you?
353
00:15:18,221 --> 00:15:19,483
Okay. Okay.
354
00:15:20,006 --> 00:15:21,964
Okay.
355
00:15:22,182 --> 00:15:24,053
I can see I still gotta win
you over,
356
00:15:25,141 --> 00:15:26,055
but I will.
357
00:15:27,361 --> 00:15:28,449
You'll see.
358
00:15:31,147 --> 00:15:33,106
Oh, Blaire.
359
00:15:33,323 --> 00:15:36,065
Maybe you should give him
a second chance.
360
00:15:36,805 --> 00:15:38,546
According to People magazine,
361
00:15:38,763 --> 00:15:41,549
Jerry Seinfeld made up
with his daughter.
362
00:15:41,766 --> 00:15:43,377
Oh, my.
363
00:15:51,907 --> 00:15:53,953
Andrew. Polly.
What happened in there?
364
00:15:54,127 --> 00:15:56,346
Mr. Lawrence is interrogating
students in pairs
365
00:15:56,564 --> 00:15:59,001
because he thinks there was
a team of masturbators.
366
00:15:59,219 --> 00:16:00,349
Wait, he... he does?
367
00:16:00,350 --> 00:16:01,873
He said from the angle
of the jizz,
368
00:16:02,048 --> 00:16:03,614
there had to be
a second shooter.
369
00:16:03,832 --> 00:16:04,833
I don't even jizz.
370
00:16:07,183 --> 00:16:09,098
Bear. Boy.
371
00:16:09,707 --> 00:16:10,839
You're next.
372
00:16:12,188 --> 00:16:13,320
Hey.
373
00:16:13,537 --> 00:16:14,886
One at a time.
374
00:16:17,585 --> 00:16:18,760
Tuesday,
375
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:20,327
September 20th,
376
00:16:20,544 --> 00:16:22,764
10:06 to 10:27 a.m.,
377
00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:23,634
where were you?
378
00:16:23,852 --> 00:16:24,853
Study hall.
379
00:16:25,027 --> 00:16:26,159
Mm.
380
00:16:28,204 --> 00:16:31,207
I see. Unstructured time.
381
00:16:31,425 --> 00:16:33,775
Teacher doesn't usually notice
if you're not there.
382
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:37,170
Good chance
to sneak off for a cigarette.
383
00:16:37,387 --> 00:16:39,650
You know? A hot butt?
384
00:16:40,825 --> 00:16:42,958
Do you like a hot butt, John?
385
00:16:43,567 --> 00:16:46,788
You jealous,
seeing me enjoy this hot butt?
386
00:16:47,571 --> 00:16:51,226
Do you wish you had access
to a hot butt like mine?
387
00:16:51,227 --> 00:16:54,013
Should there be
another grown-up in here?
388
00:16:54,187 --> 00:16:55,317
Your friend in the other room
389
00:16:55,318 --> 00:16:56,362
already fingered you
for the crime.
390
00:16:56,363 --> 00:16:57,886
So you can stop
jerking me around.
391
00:16:58,060 --> 00:17:00,454
If you come clean,
I'll help get you off.
392
00:17:00,671 --> 00:17:03,196
I... I can't tell if you're
deliberately saying stuff
393
00:17:03,413 --> 00:17:05,459
that's masturbation-adjacent
or, um...
394
00:17:05,676 --> 00:17:08,636
If you know who did this
and you give us names,
395
00:17:08,853 --> 00:17:11,421
the Board of Education
will make it worth your while.
396
00:17:11,639 --> 00:17:12,769
Like what?
397
00:17:12,770 --> 00:17:14,903
With things
you've never dreamed of.
398
00:17:15,077 --> 00:17:17,601
Like this pencil
399
00:17:17,819 --> 00:17:19,951
with an eraser
shaped like a star.
400
00:17:20,996 --> 00:17:22,476
Read what it says
on the side of the pencil.
401
00:17:25,435 --> 00:17:26,871
It says "star student."
402
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:29,483
Star student.
403
00:17:29,700 --> 00:17:31,398
We've ordered
recordings of the calls.
404
00:17:31,615 --> 00:17:33,052
When they arrive,
405
00:17:33,226 --> 00:17:34,966
we'll play them
over the school's PA system.
406
00:17:35,141 --> 00:17:37,056
Unless you confess now.
407
00:17:37,230 --> 00:17:38,231
You can't do that,
Mr. Lawrence.
408
00:17:38,448 --> 00:17:39,579
The hell I can't.
409
00:17:39,580 --> 00:17:41,321
Oh, no.
No, like, you really can't.
410
00:17:41,538 --> 00:17:42,844
The PA system's busted.
411
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:44,498
Everything in this school
is broken.
412
00:17:44,715 --> 00:17:48,241
And yet some bastard
decides to stick the school
413
00:17:48,458 --> 00:17:52,245
with a phone bill for $5,000!
414
00:17:52,984 --> 00:17:54,812
Who cares
if everything is broken?
415
00:17:55,291 --> 00:17:58,077
Who cares
if this chair is broken?
416
00:17:59,817 --> 00:18:04,083
Who cares if the whole
goddamn system is broken?
417
00:18:09,131 --> 00:18:12,003
Can you not tell
anybody I did that?
418
00:18:12,178 --> 00:18:13,962
I'm not supposed
to break any more chairs.
419
00:18:14,136 --> 00:18:15,268
Okay.
420
00:18:16,704 --> 00:18:18,488
Can you help me
put it back together?
421
00:18:22,405 --> 00:18:24,277
Uh, for the love
of Christ, Susan,
422
00:18:24,494 --> 00:18:26,279
hurry up with
that sitz bath, huh?
423
00:18:26,496 --> 00:18:27,932
Feels like somebody
microwaved a hairbrush
424
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,411
and shoved it in my asshole.
425
00:18:29,412 --> 00:18:32,807
Dr. Larson warned you
not to push so hard.
426
00:18:33,024 --> 00:18:34,548
Oh.
427
00:18:34,765 --> 00:18:36,941
Bath time!
428
00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:38,465
I got you again, motherfucker!
429
00:18:38,682 --> 00:18:39,769
Holy shit!
430
00:18:39,770 --> 00:18:41,032
You prick!
431
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:46,125
God, you're dead!
I'm gonna get you for that!
432
00:18:46,342 --> 00:18:47,604
Bernie, come back here!
433
00:18:47,822 --> 00:18:49,563
I'm gonna get you for that!
434
00:18:52,696 --> 00:18:54,959
Look at my little brother
with his ass out!
435
00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:56,396
You look like Winnie-the-Pooh!
436
00:18:56,613 --> 00:18:58,354
Where's Ted? Hey, Ted!
437
00:18:58,572 --> 00:19:00,139
It's your boyfriend,
Winnie-the-Pooh,
438
00:19:00,356 --> 00:19:01,618
ready for you
to fuck him in the ass!
439
00:19:01,836 --> 00:19:03,185
I'm totally gonna
get you for that!
440
00:19:05,535 --> 00:19:07,015
You motherfucker! Put me down!
441
00:19:07,189 --> 00:19:08,364
Fuck you, you fat fuck!
- Ow!
442
00:19:10,061 --> 00:19:11,933
What the fuck
is going on in here?
443
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:14,327
Hey, Blaire, you wanna
buy a sack of ass?
444
00:19:14,544 --> 00:19:15,718
Put me down, Bernie.
What?
445
00:19:15,719 --> 00:19:17,243
Susan wanted me
to get a puppet. Huh?
446
00:19:17,460 --> 00:19:19,941
I'm Sammy Davis Jr.
I only got one brown eye.
447
00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:21,725
Jesus Christ, Dad, put him down.
448
00:19:21,943 --> 00:19:23,074
What? We're just roughhousing.
449
00:19:23,249 --> 00:19:25,033
No. You're roughhousing.
He's not.
450
00:19:25,207 --> 00:19:26,339
You're being a fuckin' bully.
451
00:19:26,556 --> 00:19:27,818
Uh, Matty, am I bullying you?
452
00:19:28,036 --> 00:19:29,820
No. We're just
messing around, Blaire.
453
00:19:30,038 --> 00:19:31,213
Put him the fuck down.
454
00:19:31,431 --> 00:19:32,345
Whoa! Language.
455
00:19:32,562 --> 00:19:34,173
All right. Fine.
456
00:19:34,347 --> 00:19:35,869
Jeez!
- Oh, okay.
457
00:19:35,870 --> 00:19:38,480
I-I really... I really do gotta
do that hemorrhoid bath.
458
00:19:38,481 --> 00:19:41,396
All right,
go fix your goofy bum, Candyman.
459
00:19:42,659 --> 00:19:44,400
For Christ's sake,
go wash your hands.
460
00:19:44,618 --> 00:19:46,185
Why? He's my brother!
461
00:19:46,359 --> 00:19:47,838
Yeah, I'm his brother.
462
00:19:52,843 --> 00:19:55,194
Lawrence knows it's us,
I'm sure of it.
463
00:19:55,368 --> 00:19:58,371
We can't pay back $5,000.
What are we gonna do?
464
00:19:58,588 --> 00:20:00,242
Go to prison, that's what.
465
00:20:00,460 --> 00:20:02,723
Holy shit.
We're gonna get Shawshanked.
466
00:20:03,506 --> 00:20:05,333
We gotta find a way outta here
467
00:20:05,334 --> 00:20:07,423
or the warden's gonna
have us shot in the prison yard.
468
00:20:07,641 --> 00:20:09,904
Don't worry, Johnny, I've been
digging a hole in the wall
469
00:20:10,121 --> 00:20:11,210
for the past six months.
470
00:20:11,384 --> 00:20:12,646
We can escape through it.
471
00:20:14,517 --> 00:20:15,604
What the fuck?
472
00:20:15,605 --> 00:20:16,867
Yeah. Now we can
get outta here.
473
00:20:17,085 --> 00:20:19,217
- You said you dug that for us?
- Yeah.
474
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:20,393
I can't fit through there.
475
00:20:20,610 --> 00:20:21,785
You... You made that for you.
476
00:20:22,003 --> 00:20:23,264
No, it's for both of us.
477
00:20:23,265 --> 00:20:25,049
It's literally shaped
exactly like you.
478
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:27,487
- Ah, no, it's not.
- It's got fuckin' ears.
479
00:20:29,750 --> 00:20:32,405
All right, boys,
you're coming with me.
480
00:20:32,622 --> 00:20:34,668
The sisters are gonna
have their way with you.
481
00:20:36,322 --> 00:20:37,453
See ya.
482
00:20:38,759 --> 00:20:40,108
Wait a minute. That's it.
483
00:20:40,282 --> 00:20:42,415
- What?
- We do a Shawshank.
484
00:20:42,632 --> 00:20:46,114
How will being sodomized
off-camera solve our problem?
485
00:20:46,288 --> 00:20:48,421
No, no, we do
what Andy Dufresne did.
486
00:20:48,638 --> 00:20:50,248
We invent a fake person.
487
00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:53,121
A fake student
who confesses to the crime.
488
00:20:53,295 --> 00:20:55,036
- Exactly.
- That's the answer.
489
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:56,429
But it's gonna
take some planning.
490
00:20:56,646 --> 00:20:57,430
We better get some sleep.
491
00:20:57,647 --> 00:20:58,909
Right.
492
00:21:00,476 --> 00:21:03,740
Hey, Teddy.
We're in this together, right?
493
00:21:03,958 --> 00:21:05,438
I mean, you'd never
really sell me out.
494
00:21:05,655 --> 00:21:07,440
No, never, Johnny.
495
00:21:22,455 --> 00:21:24,021
We know the name
of the masturbator.
496
00:21:24,239 --> 00:21:26,459
His name is
Jeremy Schwarzfinger.
497
00:21:26,676 --> 00:21:29,287
And who is Jeremy Schwarzfinger?
498
00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:30,637
Only the worst kid
499
00:21:30,854 --> 00:21:32,552
who's ever gone
to John Hancock High.
500
00:21:32,769 --> 00:21:33,943
Three years ago,
501
00:21:33,944 --> 00:21:36,077
Jeremy vandalized
the entire school.
502
00:21:36,295 --> 00:21:38,427
You see? Look at this desk.
503
00:21:46,696 --> 00:21:48,829
You said Jeremy
did this three years ago.
504
00:21:49,046 --> 00:21:49,916
That's right.
505
00:21:49,917 --> 00:21:52,093
This is a fresh carving.
506
00:21:52,311 --> 00:21:53,747
H... How can you tell?
507
00:21:53,964 --> 00:21:56,183
Because it's in the shape
of the Sublime logo.
508
00:21:56,184 --> 00:21:57,968
And no one in Framingham
509
00:21:58,186 --> 00:22:00,841
was listening to Sublime
before 1992,
510
00:22:01,058 --> 00:22:03,931
when their debut studio album,
40oz. to Freedom,
511
00:22:04,148 --> 00:22:05,541
rocked the charts.
512
00:22:05,759 --> 00:22:06,977
Do you know what I think?
513
00:22:07,195 --> 00:22:09,589
I think you two carved this
514
00:22:09,806 --> 00:22:11,721
moments before I walked in here
515
00:22:11,939 --> 00:22:14,594
with the knife
that's in your back pocket.
516
00:22:14,811 --> 00:22:18,685
You boys feel that sensation
in your throats?
517
00:22:19,729 --> 00:22:22,732
That's the noose tightening.
518
00:22:27,389 --> 00:22:29,696
Why'd you have to go
with the fuckin' Sublime logo?
519
00:22:29,913 --> 00:22:31,741
I don't know, I just thought
maybe Jeremy likes Sublime.
520
00:22:31,959 --> 00:22:33,700
What, do you got a backstory
for this fuckin' kid?
521
00:22:33,917 --> 00:22:35,963
No, no, I'm just...
Hold on a second, Teddy.
522
00:22:36,180 --> 00:22:37,573
You might be
onto something here.
523
00:22:37,791 --> 00:22:40,707
- What?
- We give Jeremy a backstory.
524
00:22:40,924 --> 00:22:42,578
A school file on paper.
525
00:22:42,796 --> 00:22:45,755
We make it so detailed
that it becomes undeniable.
526
00:22:45,973 --> 00:22:48,018
I don't wanna just know
this guy's name.
527
00:22:48,236 --> 00:22:50,194
I wanna know
what he jizzed for breakfast.
528
00:22:50,369 --> 00:22:52,109
Jizzed for breakfast?
529
00:22:52,327 --> 00:22:52,936
You know what I mean.
530
00:22:53,154 --> 00:22:54,721
No, I don't.
531
00:22:54,938 --> 00:22:57,550
And I don't think I wanna
be your friend anymore.
532
00:23:01,771 --> 00:23:03,251
Okay. What?
533
00:23:03,773 --> 00:23:04,731
Guess what this is.
534
00:23:04,948 --> 00:23:06,602
Um, the crate of Wild Turkey
535
00:23:06,820 --> 00:23:07,995
you're gonna drink
before bed tonight?
536
00:23:08,212 --> 00:23:09,649
Even better.
537
00:23:12,652 --> 00:23:13,566
What do you think?
538
00:23:13,783 --> 00:23:15,002
What the fuck is it?
539
00:23:15,219 --> 00:23:16,438
It's a dollhouse.
540
00:23:16,656 --> 00:23:18,527
You always wanted one
when you were a kid.
541
00:23:18,745 --> 00:23:20,007
So I stayed up all night
building it.
542
00:23:20,224 --> 00:23:22,749
Oh, thanks.
I've always wanted tetanus.
543
00:23:24,533 --> 00:23:26,840
Fine. I'm the bad guy.
544
00:23:27,057 --> 00:23:29,756
No matter what I do,
it's not good enough.
545
00:23:29,973 --> 00:23:31,801
And I... And I should
never, ever be forgiven.
546
00:23:32,019 --> 00:23:33,499
Okay, all right. All right.
547
00:23:34,064 --> 00:23:35,675
It's a nice gesture.
548
00:23:36,502 --> 00:23:38,765
Thank you.
Now we're talking.
549
00:23:38,982 --> 00:23:40,288
Come home with me.
550
00:23:40,462 --> 00:23:42,333
If you do,
I know your mother will too.
551
00:23:43,247 --> 00:23:44,248
Wait.
552
00:23:44,423 --> 00:23:46,033
That's what this is all about?
553
00:23:46,816 --> 00:23:47,729
Getting Mom back?
554
00:23:47,730 --> 00:23:48,861
Yeah!
555
00:23:48,862 --> 00:23:50,646
Because then
we'll be a family again.
556
00:23:50,864 --> 00:23:53,301
And that's all I want, Blaire,
I swear to God.
557
00:23:56,696 --> 00:23:59,394
I'll think about it.
On one condition.
558
00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:03,442
- Anything.
- Just go easier on Matty.
559
00:24:03,616 --> 00:24:05,487
All right? I don't like
the way you treat him.
560
00:24:05,705 --> 00:24:07,924
And I never wanna see
his asshole again.
561
00:24:08,838 --> 00:24:11,275
I will be more respectful
to my little brother.
562
00:24:11,450 --> 00:24:12,712
Thank you.
563
00:24:40,479 --> 00:24:41,523
Oh, shit!
564
00:25:05,939 --> 00:25:07,941
What are you doing down there?
565
00:25:08,158 --> 00:25:09,332
- Uh, we just...
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
566
00:25:09,333 --> 00:25:10,943
Mr. Lawrence,
567
00:25:10,944 --> 00:25:12,161
I don't think I've ever done
anything in my life, actually.
568
00:25:12,162 --> 00:25:13,119
Nothing. We were just
messing around, is all.
569
00:25:13,120 --> 00:25:15,339
- Speak.
- We found Jeremy's file.
570
00:25:15,514 --> 00:25:17,819
The really bad kid
who definitely exists.
571
00:25:17,820 --> 00:25:19,082
All the details
about him are right here.
572
00:25:19,300 --> 00:25:21,781
He even has a full mustache
as a teenager.
573
00:25:21,998 --> 00:25:23,043
He's that bad. Look.
574
00:25:23,260 --> 00:25:24,523
I don't need to look
575
00:25:24,740 --> 00:25:26,655
because I don't believe
there is a Jeremy.
576
00:25:26,873 --> 00:25:30,267
I believe the two of you
made the sex calls.
577
00:25:32,531 --> 00:25:33,880
Do you know what this is?
578
00:25:34,097 --> 00:25:34,968
Is that one of
those things they put
579
00:25:35,185 --> 00:25:36,535
pizzas in the oven with?
580
00:25:36,752 --> 00:25:38,361
It's a masturbator paddle.
581
00:25:38,362 --> 00:25:40,190
Ew! And that's what they're
putting the pizzas in with?
582
00:25:40,408 --> 00:25:41,800
It was used to beat sinners
583
00:25:41,801 --> 00:25:44,064
at the Holy Child
Catholic School in Newburyport.
584
00:25:44,281 --> 00:25:47,894
And when I prove the two of you
made the calls,
585
00:25:48,111 --> 00:25:51,288
you both will know the pain
of the paddle.
586
00:25:52,202 --> 00:25:53,900
I'm watching you.
587
00:26:04,606 --> 00:26:06,260
We'll get them, Beatrice.
588
00:26:09,045 --> 00:26:10,525
We'll get them.
589
00:26:11,134 --> 00:26:13,354
What the fuck do we do now?
He's gonna get us.
590
00:26:13,572 --> 00:26:16,009
- We gotta make Jeremy real.
- How?
591
00:26:16,226 --> 00:26:18,925
Everybody at school's gotta
see him with their own eyes.
592
00:26:19,621 --> 00:26:22,581
I got an idea.
593
00:26:25,671 --> 00:26:28,587
Susan, the casserole
is exquisite.
594
00:26:28,761 --> 00:26:29,849
Thank you, Bernie.
595
00:26:30,066 --> 00:26:31,807
Well, I'm gonna raise my glass
596
00:26:32,025 --> 00:26:33,853
'cause Blaire and me
got a big announcement.
597
00:26:34,070 --> 00:26:34,941
We do?
598
00:26:35,158 --> 00:26:36,943
Blaire's moving back home!
599
00:26:41,164 --> 00:26:43,253
I'm gonna be pissed.
600
00:26:43,471 --> 00:26:45,734
It's Rachel, Monica, Phoebe,
in that order. Oh.
601
00:26:45,952 --> 00:26:47,562
Okay. Hold on, hold on.
602
00:26:47,736 --> 00:26:49,956
I have not made
any decision yet.
603
00:26:50,173 --> 00:26:51,958
I'm considering
moving back home,
604
00:26:52,175 --> 00:26:53,960
but I've not decided a thing.
605
00:26:54,177 --> 00:26:55,744
Come on. You know you're in.
606
00:26:55,962 --> 00:26:57,616
And, hey, you better
watch out, Matty.
607
00:26:57,790 --> 00:26:59,356
I might take
Susan home with me too.
608
00:26:59,574 --> 00:27:01,271
- Oh!
- Ha! Ah, come on.
609
00:27:01,489 --> 00:27:03,970
Be honest, Susan.
You were into me first.
610
00:27:04,187 --> 00:27:06,233
Oh. Bernie, stop.
611
00:27:06,450 --> 00:27:08,670
Bernie, just keep it
to yourself, huh?
612
00:27:08,888 --> 00:27:10,454
Well, it's true.
You know, Johnny,
613
00:27:10,629 --> 00:27:12,979
another ten minutes
behind that A&P with Susan,
614
00:27:13,196 --> 00:27:14,283
I might have been your father.
615
00:27:14,284 --> 00:27:15,634
Hey! Hey!
Bernie.
616
00:27:15,808 --> 00:27:17,766
- Apologize to her.
- Huh?
617
00:27:17,984 --> 00:27:18,940
You fuckin' heard me.
618
00:27:18,941 --> 00:27:20,508
Apologize to Susan right now.
619
00:27:20,682 --> 00:27:22,335
And then apologize to Matty
620
00:27:22,336 --> 00:27:23,990
for every single fuckin' thing
you've done since you got here.
621
00:27:24,207 --> 00:27:25,164
Hey. Whoa, whoa.
622
00:27:25,165 --> 00:27:26,078
We're brothers, Blaire.
623
00:27:26,079 --> 00:27:27,428
We give each other the business.
624
00:27:27,646 --> 00:27:29,168
That's not what this is.
625
00:27:29,169 --> 00:27:31,650
It's completely one-sided,
and you're a fuckin' bully.
626
00:27:31,824 --> 00:27:32,651
Blaire, come on.
627
00:27:32,825 --> 00:27:34,086
Jesus Christ!
628
00:27:34,087 --> 00:27:35,479
We're just trying
to have a few laughs.
629
00:27:35,654 --> 00:27:37,656
Okay. You don't
wanna apologize?
630
00:27:37,830 --> 00:27:39,179
Then get out.
- Blaire, knock it off.
631
00:27:39,396 --> 00:27:40,876
He... He's just messing around.
Yeah.
632
00:27:41,094 --> 00:27:43,096
Don't twist your panties.
It was a joke.
633
00:27:43,313 --> 00:27:44,401
Fuck it.
634
00:27:47,274 --> 00:27:48,188
Oh, shit!
635
00:27:48,405 --> 00:27:50,669
Oh, goddamn it!
636
00:27:50,886 --> 00:27:52,453
The fuck is wrong with you?
637
00:27:52,671 --> 00:27:54,934
Relax, Dad.
We're just roughhousing.
638
00:27:55,151 --> 00:27:57,023
You know,
giving each other the business.
639
00:27:57,240 --> 00:27:58,807
You know what, Blaire?
Fuck you!
640
00:27:59,025 --> 00:28:00,287
You know, you're not
allowed back home.
641
00:28:00,504 --> 00:28:01,679
You're disinvited.
642
00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:04,247
You're a psycho,
just like your mother.
643
00:28:04,465 --> 00:28:06,032
Goddamn it!
644
00:28:06,249 --> 00:28:08,208
Hey. Bernie, wait!
645
00:28:13,953 --> 00:28:17,652
Matty, which order would you
fuck the women from Friends?
646
00:28:25,573 --> 00:28:27,053
Hey, everybody.
Jeremy's outside.
647
00:28:27,270 --> 00:28:28,707
You gotta come see
what he's gonna do.
648
00:28:28,881 --> 00:28:30,185
- Who?
- Jeremy.
649
00:28:30,186 --> 00:28:32,145
You know that really bad kid
who goes here?
650
00:28:32,362 --> 00:28:35,670
The one who was really
into Sublime even before 1992?
651
00:28:35,844 --> 00:28:37,063
Okay?
652
00:28:37,280 --> 00:28:38,586
Jeremy's gonna
do a jump on his BMX.
653
00:28:38,760 --> 00:28:40,936
He's jumping over three cars.
Three cars?
654
00:28:41,154 --> 00:28:42,068
Yeah, three cars.
655
00:28:42,285 --> 00:28:43,809
Everybody, come watch Jeremy.
656
00:28:52,121 --> 00:28:54,080
There he is. There's Jeremy.
657
00:28:59,607 --> 00:29:01,740
I can't believe that kid
we go to school with
658
00:29:01,957 --> 00:29:03,567
is attempting this awesome jump.
659
00:29:03,742 --> 00:29:05,091
Let's all chant his name.
660
00:29:05,308 --> 00:29:06,265
Jeremy!
661
00:29:06,266 --> 00:29:08,790
Jeremy! Jeremy!
662
00:29:09,008 --> 00:29:12,185
Jeremy! Jeremy! Jeremy!
663
00:29:32,335 --> 00:29:34,120
I've known Jeremy for years.
664
00:29:34,337 --> 00:29:35,730
We're really close.
- I've known him longer.
665
00:29:35,904 --> 00:29:37,252
He's my best friend.
666
00:29:37,253 --> 00:29:38,906
I've been dating Jeremy
since the sixth grade.
667
00:29:38,907 --> 00:29:41,954
Jeremy's wealthy parents are
taking us to Europe this summer.
668
00:29:42,171 --> 00:29:45,261
Jeremy blew me at a sleepover
and told me not to tell anyone.
669
00:29:48,351 --> 00:29:49,657
Well, hey there, everybody.
670
00:29:49,831 --> 00:29:51,050
I was just in the bathroom
671
00:29:51,267 --> 00:29:53,139
relieving myself
of the day's waste.
672
00:29:53,356 --> 00:29:54,836
Kind of a rough one,
as you can see.
673
00:29:55,054 --> 00:29:56,142
What's going on out here?
674
00:29:56,359 --> 00:29:57,490
Oh, hey, John.
675
00:29:57,491 --> 00:29:58,971
Jeremy, that kid
we go to school with
676
00:29:59,188 --> 00:30:00,233
made a badass jump,
677
00:30:00,450 --> 00:30:01,537
and now everyone's saying
678
00:30:01,538 --> 00:30:02,844
they did anal with him
and stuff.
679
00:30:03,062 --> 00:30:04,150
Now, that is crazy,
680
00:30:04,367 --> 00:30:06,021
'cause I saw Jeremy
this morning,
681
00:30:06,239 --> 00:30:08,502
and he gave me this letter
in case he died.
682
00:30:13,376 --> 00:30:15,422
"To whom it may concern,
683
00:30:15,639 --> 00:30:19,078
I called the phone sex line
1-900-HOT-BUTT."
684
00:30:19,295 --> 00:30:21,384
"I can't live with the shame,
685
00:30:21,602 --> 00:30:25,649
so I wanted to perform
one last awesome act,
686
00:30:25,824 --> 00:30:27,651
then disappear into hiding.
687
00:30:27,826 --> 00:30:30,741
Sincerely,
Jeremy Schwarzfinger."
688
00:30:32,308 --> 00:30:34,615
Seems I owe you boys an apology.
689
00:30:34,833 --> 00:30:36,485
Yeah, you were
a real fuckin' dick.
690
00:30:36,486 --> 00:30:39,359
And you got totally proved wrong
in front of the whole school.
691
00:30:40,229 --> 00:30:42,753
I will find you, Jeremy.
692
00:30:43,537 --> 00:30:45,713
If it takes me
the rest of my days,
693
00:30:45,887 --> 00:30:47,193
I will find you...
694
00:30:48,237 --> 00:30:49,238
and I will kill you.
695
00:30:53,677 --> 00:30:56,202
Well, Teddy,
looks like we did it.
696
00:30:57,116 --> 00:30:58,204
Let's go.
697
00:31:04,036 --> 00:31:06,995
Do you understand
why your mother and your sister
698
00:31:07,213 --> 00:31:08,648
feel this way, though?
699
00:31:08,649 --> 00:31:10,433
Yes, I do.
They worry about me.
700
00:31:10,651 --> 00:31:12,218
But it's time
that I... I mature...
701
00:31:12,435 --> 00:31:13,219
Hey.
And I have to learn
702
00:31:13,436 --> 00:31:14,567
from my experiences.
703
00:31:14,568 --> 00:31:15,482
- Hey.
- Okay.
704
00:31:15,699 --> 00:31:17,397
- Beer?
- Sure.
705
00:31:19,225 --> 00:31:20,442
You said, uh...
706
00:31:20,443 --> 00:31:21,444
Do you have
respect for yourself?
707
00:31:21,662 --> 00:31:23,010
Yes, I do.
708
00:31:23,011 --> 00:31:24,229
If you dress like that,
you don't.
709
00:31:24,230 --> 00:31:25,753
Because I have...
710
00:31:25,927 --> 00:31:27,189
Right?
711
00:31:27,798 --> 00:31:29,757
I have two daughters,
22 and 30...
712
00:31:29,931 --> 00:31:32,499
Still can't stop thinking about
the look on my brother's face
713
00:31:32,716 --> 00:31:34,240
when you threw
that casserole at him.
714
00:31:36,024 --> 00:31:36,937
Pretty fuckin' good.
715
00:31:38,461 --> 00:31:39,941
I was gonna
give him the business,
716
00:31:40,159 --> 00:31:42,161
but you beat me to it.
717
00:31:43,205 --> 00:31:45,251
- Yeah.
- Bennetts, right?
718
00:31:45,991 --> 00:31:48,297
We... We fuckin' love
messing with each other, right?
719
00:31:49,168 --> 00:31:50,429
We sure do.
720
00:31:50,430 --> 00:31:52,170
You're also going
to meet a mother
721
00:31:52,171 --> 00:31:54,913
who says her daughter dresses
and acts like such a tramp...
722
00:31:55,087 --> 00:31:57,263
- Hey, Matty?
- Yeah.
723
00:31:58,742 --> 00:32:00,266
I'm glad I'm here.
724
00:32:05,836 --> 00:32:07,926
Hey, did you hear
about this kid, Jeremy?
725
00:32:14,323 --> 00:32:18,805
♪ Oh, you've got a headful ♪
♪ Of someone dreadful ♪
726
00:32:18,806 --> 00:32:23,331
♪ And yet, alas ♪
♪ That someone adores you ♪
727
00:32:23,332 --> 00:32:27,335
♪ Everybody needs ♪
♪ A best friend ♪
728
00:32:27,336 --> 00:32:29,816
♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪
729
00:32:29,817 --> 00:32:32,428
♪ I'm just a clown ♪
730
00:32:33,342 --> 00:32:36,084
♪ And I'll bring you down ♪
731
00:32:36,780 --> 00:32:38,651
♪ But you just don't care ♪
732
00:32:38,652 --> 00:32:41,916
♪ 'Cause your ♪
733
00:32:42,961 --> 00:32:45,180
♪ Best friend is me ♪
52895
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