Original subtitles

Well, this is good. I'm not seeing anything in the local news about all the

bodies we found in the bunker.

That's one advantage to being on a first -name basis with the county coroner.

Sounds like you guys successfully buried the bodies.

Please repeat that for Jay. Give me credit.

Oh, this is a relief.

We can't have news like that leaking on today of all days.

Woodstone is being considered for inclusion on a prestigious list of top

hotels and B &Bs.

The guy from the list is coming to check us out today.

It's very important this goes well, so please no ghost shenanigans. I mean it.

Oh, hello.

You must be a cult ghost. They keep coming over from the bunker. We're sort

cult ghost tourist attraction now. This feels very shenanigan adjacent.

Nice to meet you. I'm Eugene, a fellow survivor.

Have you also found it difficult to acclimate to the outside world?

Isaac, you were in the cult for like four hours.

All of them harrowing.

Wait a second, are you Eugene Woodstone?

I'm Harry Woodstone, your ancestor. And I built this house.

You know him? Yeah, he lived here for several months in the late 1960s. My

parents shipped me up here so I wouldn't embarrass them at their precious garden

parties. I was sort of the black sheep of the family.

Rumor has it this poor fellow was cursed with the infamous Woodstone tale.

It's just a small bump at the base of the spine. It's fascinating.

Does it wag when you're happy?

I don't really want to talk about it.

I'm Samantha, also a Woodstone.

I'm unafflicted, not that it's important.

What is going on?

The cult ghost is also a distant relative.

Oh, is he the reason that the cult was in our bunker?

Yeah, I thought they liked me for my personality, but in retrospect, they

liked me because I had access to a bunker.

Nailed it, Jay.

Now that sounds like quite the tale.

I think he means T -A -L -E.

He can't hear us.

We don't have to dwell on it.

Okay, I de -scummed the shower, I touched up the paint in the maple suite,

folded the toilet paper into those fancy little triangles.

Now, I just need to take a load off.

Oh, that's nice.

I think we need to lose the recliner.

What do you mean? Well, it's not in line with the rest of the decor, is it?

Agreed. Stick out like Chair of Frasier's father on TV program Frasier.

familiar with that program.

We didn't have a working TV in the bunker, so I would do a lot of magic for

cults. Oh, that's right.

You were an aspiring magician.

I recall your parents whispering shamefully. I didn't have my cups or

I did a lot of thumb magic.

By Odin, you're...

He's a warlock!

Uh, Jay?

Hedy was pointing out that the recliner doesn't go with the rest of the room,

and honestly, I kind of agree with her. I mean, with the list guy coming, why

risk it?

You got this for me as a gift.

You remember when I almost got dragged to hell and you got this for me so I

would feel better? Right, so how about we just move it into another room,

somewhere less public?

Can't move into Thorfinn's room.

Oh, that's nice. Thor's offering to take it. Will be fun new place for Thor and

flour to fornicate.

And that's all he said.

Fine, if it'll help us with the list.

Speaking of which, I've been emailing with some other B &Bs, and they're

me this guy expects us to grease his palm.

Like a bribe? Like a very nice welcome gift.

So I did some insta -stalking, and turns out he's really into antiques. Well,

that's great.

We have a ton of old crap around here. Uh -uh. I mean, exquisite heirlooms.

Hey, Thor.

I think there's something behind your ear.

Oh, it's my thumb.

You are most impressive, sorcerer.

Yet you could never conjure a job or a wife.

Abracadabra! I think not.

So, what do you think?

Isn't that Jay's recliner?

Yeah, Sam gave to Jay to demonstrate her eternal love.

But then get rid of it for some minor decorating concerns. So now we are lucky

recipients.

Wow.

Thanks, Thor.

It's just, um, I can't have this in my room. It's made of leather.

So? So they killed a cow to make that. That cow could have had a family. A mom,

a dad, maybe a secret lover.

Yes, but chair very comfy, so we keeping.

Thor, you're not listening to me. I'm telling you, I don't want the chair.

And Thor telling you we keeping it. Thor not care that chair was once unfaithful

cow. Fine, Thor.

Keep the stupid chair.

Thank you. Now, on the other subject, can you check Thor's ear for strange

thumbs? Thor think Thor might have a problem.

Well, this guy's pulling up. Did you settle on something to give him?

No, Hedy was being impossible. She was claiming some sentimental attachment to

every item in the house.

Okay, well, is she in here right now? No, Alberta made up a lie to get her to

the restaurant.

Great, well, then just pick anything. How about that paperweight?

Oh, no, apparently that was Hedy's correcting paperweight that she would

sometimes throw at the butlers. Yeah, I can see how that could be a very special

keepsake for her. What about that box?

It's pretty.

Yeah,

this is nice.

Fine, let's just do it.

But what if it's important to Hedy?

Better to beg forgiveness than ask permission. That's what Ben Franklin

before polishing off the entire Christmas booth.

Ah, hello. I'm Paul from Boutique Hotels of the World. Hi, Paul. I'm Samantha.

This is my husband, Jay. Welcome to Woodstone.

The judging begins with your handshake.

Adequate. He's pretty snickety and overly formal. I like him.

Very interesting older property you have here. That's a nice way of calling it a

dump. Give him the gift, Sammy. Grease that palm.

We have a welcome gift for you. It's this box.

Oh, this is exquisite. What a rare find.

An early 19th century parlor box with steeple tip hinges.

Oh, that was a waste of time.

Alberta thought she saw Colin Farrell at Mahesh.

In my defense, as a celebrity, I have celebrity blindness.

Well, you must be exhausted after your travels. Yeah, let me show you to your

room. Is that the list fellow? Why is he holding my parlor box?

You didn't give him that as a welcome gift, did you? Yes, I did, and just deal

with it.

You really should have asked me first.

Why? You would have just said no.

Yes, I would have.

Because it has a false bottom full of cocaine.

What? That's right.

Peru's finest.

So unless the purity of your narcotics is one of the list categories on which

you're being judged, I suggest you get that box back.

Why was there cocaine in the box?

Because it was my box and I love cocaine.

Can't argue with that explanation.

Plus, that was in here this whole time. I was searching for it frantically when

I possessed your husband. I was going to return him to you with a hole in his

septum the size of Rhode Island.

Hey, babe.

This is going so well. He thinks the room is super cute. He loved the folded

toilet paper.

Jay, the box we gave him has a false bottom that's full of cocaine.

Damn it, ghost. That falls squarely in the shenanigan zone.

Shenanigan zone. I used to take Laura there when she was a little girl. Great

pizza. Maybe this isn't a problem. Maybe this guy loves drugs.

This is really bad. Even if he doesn't find it, he could get busted when he

through security at the airport.

We're not going to get on the list if Paul's in jail, Sam.

Why don't you just ask for the box back?

We can't take it back. He loves it. Plus, if you ask for it back now, it's

going to seem like you heard him say how valuable it was and that you wanted to

keep it for yourself.

I'm sorry I suggested that box.

Another typical Eugene screw -up.

Stupid, you fool.

Look, this ain't that hard. You just gotta wait for him to leave the room,

the box, empty out the drugs, and then put the box back. I've done this a

million times.

Alberta's saying we should sneak into the room, take the box, and get rid of

drugs. All I'm hearing are shenanigans, shenanigans, shenanigans.

One seat at every table had a whoopee cushion.

Shenanigans.

Oh, can we watch that murder show again?

I just want to watch whatever Thor wants to watch.

He's a big, strong man, and he makes all my decisions for me. What now?

I'm sorry, is everything okay between you two?

Flower a little upset because I put foot down and decided to keep chair and room

despite being made from promiscuous cow.

Okay, hold on. I don't mean to butt in, but it sounds like maybe you guys are

having some problems communicating?

You know, I'd be happy to help.

I was a travel agent.

So? So, being a travel agent is basically like being a couples

One person wants to go to Fiji, the other person wants to go to Paris.

Well, it was my job to help them find common ground and steer them toward

Orlando. You can't beat it.

God, that place is the best.

You missed the spot.

Oh, I'm just pretending. I'm waiting for Paul to leave so I can get into his

room. Seems just as easy to actually dust as it is to pretend to dust.

Can you not right now?

Okay, he just left to go on a walk.

Isaac, let us know if he comes back.

Will do.

I was the captain. I think I can handle a simple lookout.

Hey, man.

Hello, Eugene. I can't be bothered right now. I'm carrying out a very important

mission. That's cool.

Crazy about the cult, huh?

Indeed. I heard you got in on the first try.

Really?

You heard about that?

Yeah, you're like the talk of the cult.

How did you do it, by the way? It's like unheard of.

Well, you see, Eugene, it's all about confidence.

And when confidence meets competence, well...

Then you get something very special.

Now press on this part with your thumb to release Paul's bottom.

I got it.

Now do a little and describe it to me.

Slowly.

Bill! Johnny!

He came back early. No!

Under the bed! That's what you

chose! Sam, you weren't here.

You could have been changing towels or retriangling the toilet paper.

Oh, and now we're sitting down to read a book. Boy, are you in a big mess.

Thank you for agreeing to do couple therapy with a licensed travel agent. I

think you've made a very wise decision.

Do travel agents need licenses?

They do not, but I made one for myself.

Laminated it and everything.

Now, Flower, you were saying you didn't like how Thor handled this disagreement.

Yeah, he was just so stubborn about it.

Argument is like battle. It must be won at all costs. It is actually very

similar to disagreement Thor have long ago with Viking wife, Olga.

Olga! I have returned from battle victorious.

Oh, Thor.

How I've missed you.

Thor think about you all the time.

In fact, Thor bring you back souvenir from Denmark.

His dang head.

Will look perfect on beam.

Tie room together.

Huh?

What? So you're saying she didn't want to hang a severed head in your living

room? Yeah.

Ogre want Thor to put head in fish room where no one see.

But Thor get his way. Thor not back down. Thor win.

Argument. Like battle, you see.

The only thing I see is that you're making the exact same mistakes in our

relationship as you made with Olga a thousand years ago.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

No.

Whatever. This is pointless.

No, it's not.

And just like that, battle won.

Right.

I was going to take a walk, but it looked like rain.

Don't panic, Samantha. This conversation sounds like it's winding down, after

which point he'll surely leave.

Oh, no.

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. Tell me everything.

I give up.

Where's Jay already? I thought you texted Jay.

Hey, Paul.

Oh, I'll call you right back.

And here is Jay, armed with what I am sure is a can't -miss gambit. You want

see a lizard on the porch?

I'm deathly allergic to lizards.

But thank you for the warning. I'll stay right here.

Come on, Jay.

Actually, why don't you come down to the restaurant?

I made some hors d 'oeuvres special for you.

Yeah, thank you. That sounds very nice.

Let me just change into my loafers.

Now, where are my loafers?

Ah. Oh, he's going to look under the bed. Oh, damn it, Samantha. If you had

partook, you would have at least been high as a kite right now. Sam!

Here he comes.

What the hell?

Here's your law firm.

Samantha? Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Eventually she's going to have to say something other than hi.

He got by me. I don't know how.

So.

It's a funny story. I was just coming in here to change the sheets, and I lost

the contact lens, which I could have sworn rolled under the bed.

You know, I've seen a lot of innkeepers try a lot of different things to gain an

advantage. Hidden cameras listening at the door, but hiding under a bed?

No, it's nothing like that. I just, I have narcolepsy. I fell asleep.

Well, that settles that. Paul, would you like to see our magical creek?

My cousin has narcolepsy.

What do you take for it?

Oh, no. He's testing you, Samantha.

Tread carefully.

There is no medication for narcolepsy.

There are several.

Right. Listen, I don't know what you two are up to, but I've seen enough to know

that Woodstone B &B is nowhere near worthy of my list. Please leave my room.

Sorry.

I rode a narcoleptic horse once.

It was a short ride.

Let me ask you something, Cora.

After you won the argument with Olga about the Dane's head, was anything

different between you two?

Now that you mention it, maybe there are a few things.

Olga really not want to hang out in that room.

She not want to watch fire with Thor anymore.

Made Thor very lonely.

That's tough.

Thor, are you familiar with the concept of a Pyrrhic victory?

I think you know answer to that.

Well, it was named after a king who won a battle, but he lost so many men in the

process that he realized it may not have been worth it. And in the end, he lost

the war.

Oh, so sometimes someone can win battle of argument, but lose

war of relationship.

Not exactly how I would put it, but yeah, it seems like you're getting the

general concept.

Yes, so in therapy.

Sure.

I can't believe this. We screwed up so bad.

Babe, we can't beat ourselves up. Who would have guessed that there would have

been a bunch of cocaine in an old wooden box?

Yes. Who indeed?

Oh, wait.

Me. What are you talking about? Pretty ironic, huh?

The so -called screw -up of the family flawlessly executes the revenge plan? I

was the one who suggested the box in the first place, which I knew from family

lore is where Hetty Woodstone kept her stash.

Using cocaine for nefarious purposes?

How dare you?

Then I intentionally distracted Isaac so that Paul would catch you in his room.

That is no way to treat a cult brother.

Is it because I got in on the first try? Is it jealousy?

I don't under...

Why would you do this?

Because I hate the Woodstones.

This family treated me like a freak just because I was different.

Hey, how you feel about tacos tonight?

Shh. I think Eugene is doing his villain origin story, but yeah, tacos do sound

good. I never fit in. I marched to the beat of my own drum. I told my parents I

wanted to go to magic school.

Is that a real thing?

I don't know, but I want to stuff this guy in a locker.

But my parents forced me to go to a fancy college.

I couldn't keep up. Eventually, when I flunked out, they told me I didn't

deserve the Woodstone name.

Eugene, I just have one thing to say to you after all of this.

I'm sorry.

What?

For generations, we Woodstones have spent too much time concealing anything

made us seem less than perfect.

I've spent a century hiding my son's crimes and also the nature of my own

demise.

And it only ever led to isolation and loneliness.

So I say no more.

Yes, they got the poblano tonight.

Shame is a problem that is passed down in families. Not unlike the Woodstone

Tale. And the only cure for shame is sunlight.

Which, unfortunately, is not a cure for the Woodstone Tale.

They tried that.

Thank you for saying that, Hedy.

I agree with Hedy.

I don't condone your actions, but...

I do understand them now, and I think I have an idea.

Oh, is it to see if you can hang a coat on it?

On what?

Come on.

Paul, we need to talk to you. Thank you, but I'm not interested in hearing any

more fabrications.

That's just it.

I was lying to you.

I snuck into your room to steal back the box we gave you because it's full of

cocaine. Excuse me?

Girl, what are you doing? We didn't realize there were drugs in it when we

it to you. But the truth is, an antique box full of 19th century narcotics

perfectly epitomizes this family.

I've been so preoccupied trying to paint a rosy picture.

This property's history is so much messier and so much more interesting.

Like Hedy, the woman who owned that box?

Her son murdered a jazz singer right inside this house. And Hedy's husband,

was this brutal robber baron who died before he could be held accountable for

his sins. He suffocated in a secret vault in the basement.

And he was riddled with syphilis. Add that, please. Right out there on the

an innocent cuckold was shot through the neck by a 10 -year -old girl.

Okay, I guess it's just nice to be included.

This mansion's history is full of bootlegging and murder and war and...

Syphilis.

Syphilis. The point is that I was so worried the Woodstone's flaws would stop

from being on the list, but honestly, I think you should put us on it because of

them.

Well, what do you think, Paul?

You're telling me this box is full of cocaine?

Uh, yeah.

Can I keep it?

Excuse me?

If I can keep it, you make the list.

There it is.

There's a little bit of...

It's yours.

Great.

We'll be in touch.

Congratulations. Thank you.

Didn't know how I expected it to go, but it'll make a hell of a tale.

Come on, man.

What are we watching?

Oh, Health Hunters.

No, I mean, what is that thing?

That's a television, sweetie.

Oh, right on.

Well, do you have a moment?

What do you want, Thor?

Thor wanted to talk to you about arguments we had earlier.

If flower not want chair in our room, then we can get rid of chair, because

relationship about compromise.

And compromise mean doing what woman want.

Really, Thor?

Do you mean that?

Thor may be oldest ghost, but sometimes slowest to learn lesson.

But if flower willing to be patient, Thor will make effort.

Because...

Flower worth it. Well, you're worth it too, big guy.

Lovemaking is imminent.

But they about to pick the house.

Can y 'all just go to a different room?

No, too late.

Practice has already started.

Sorry. You're welcome to watch, join in. Cheering is appreciated.

I'm going, I'm going.

Let me know what happens.

Well, first, sorry. No, I meant the show.

God darn you freaks.