Original subtitles

We took that money to help people, Marcus. People like you,

and even people like Pamela Anderson.

-This came this morning. -We have a problem.

He's ONE of our blackmailers.

-Wait. What? -There's two blackmailers!

I need to gather evidence so that Neha can arrest Pamela.

Then she'll tell everyone about Dad.

That's when my plan comes into action.

Not only have we got your dad's death certificate,

we also have the funeral director on the payroll.

We are home and clean.

Trixie!

Here, puss-puss.

CAT MEOWS

PAMELA GASPS

THUD

Ah.

-JEAN: - What? -SUSAN: - Everything's going to be OK.

QUIET CONVERSATION

I'm so sorry, Jean, but... I'm sorry, but Pam hasn't made it.

JEAN SOBS

I'm so sorry.

BANGING ON DOOR

Oh, good, it's you.

-And your plan if it wasn't? -I'd pretend to be your mum.

-Go on, then. -Um...

HIGH-PITCHED: - No, thank you. Please leave me alone. I'm a widow.

-Yeah, that's not a good system, Dad. -Oh, right. Did you bring it?

Yes.

WILLIAM CHUCKLES

This is lovely stuff. This is the best hit money can buy.

No more cannabis for me.

Just choccy milk from now on. I got, er...

It's just one for the cup and...

...one for the mug. Mmm...

Mmm! Mmm!

- MOUTH FULL: - Do you want some?

-No. Hey? -Hmm? -How's Mum?

-Oh, fine. -Fine? -Yeah. Why wouldn't she be?

Well, one of her friends died last night.

-Oh, I didn't think of it like that. -Yeah. So, where is she?

Oh... No.

-Hey, Mum. -Oh, hello, darling.

William! That booze that you got for your retirement -

have you moved it?

WILLIAM MUMBLES

- DEBBIE SIGHS - Sorry, what on earth is going on?

Your dad was given a bottle of posh bubbly when he retired,

and I've been waiting for the right moment to open it.

-Could have opened it when I retired. -No! Needed to be

-for something special. -So why are you looking now?

Well, do you know what happened last night?

Yeah. Do YOU know what happened last night?

Yes, I do, thank you. I had front-row seats.

Ding-dong, cheerio. See you in the next life!

DEBBIE LAUGHS

Have you got a brick for a heart? Pam was your friend.

SHE SCOFFS

Some friend. Come here.

Look at this. I found that in her house yesterday. In her bowling bag.

The final piece dans la jigsaw.

Now, you tell me, what sort of friend blackmails their own mates?

Yeah. But you can't have wanted her to die, surely?

No, of course not. I'm not a psychopath.

You're about to open a bottle of champagne.

Well, only if I can bloody find it. Are you sure you haven't moved it?

-You do like to fiddle with my bits. -It's actually my champagne.

And, Harold, I know you love to apportion blame - you get that

from your father - but Pamela's death? Nothing to do with me. OK?

MOUTH FULL: - It's starting to make me feel a bit sick.

It is... It is claggy.

I wonder how long she's going to be.

Don't you just hate these places?

-Did you get those from the machine? -Yeah.

I wouldn't. Riddled with Legionnaires'.

And they found E. coli in the sandwiches.

-Sorry, you said this was urgent. -Oh...

You were at Pamela Anderson's house last night. Well, there's something

I need to tell you. She had a cat,

and I suffer from very bad allergies.

-And? -I get very snuffly and red, itchy eyes.

-It's hugely incapacitating. -No, I mean about Pam.

Oh, well, on arrival to the hospital,

it became apparent that I was a smidge hasty in my assertions.

-Which means...? - She's not actually dead. -Are you kidding me?

-How many times are you going to do this? -Do what?

-Nothing. -Believe me, I'm shocked. I am normally assiduously diligent.

Urgh! Where is it?

-Mum, this is a classic case of denial. -I'm not in denial.

If anything, I'm being too transparent.

A little bit like our bloomin' bathroom window.

You know they frosted it on the wrong side...

-Oh! -..so we can't see out but every Tom, Dick and Harry can see in.

-A viewing gallery for my Tom, Dick and Harry. -Ohhh... Talking to you

-is like nailing jelly to the wall. -Well, that is very rude!

Jelly? Haven't had that in ages. Have we got any?

Well, have a look in the cupboard. And, you, if you can't be positive,

-you can leave. -What do you want me to be positive about?

Just everything I've ever done for you!

No, you can't take credit for the good if you can't take

-responsibility for the bad. -Oh, it's Thought For The Day

with Bishop Patronising, is it?

What did you say when you reversed our car into the village duck pond?

-What's that got to do with anything? -Just tell me what you said. -Oh...

I merely commented that the water level had risen.

-Which meant it was whose fault? -Global warming. -I rest my case.

-Oh, you are an odious little chode. -Can you stop calling me that?

-I'm sensitive about being stocky. -Oh, we're a stocky family.

I'm not. I'm quite willowy.

-Oh, shut up! - Shut up! -Mum, please. In the space of a few weeks,

we've had a fake funeral, an insurance fraud

and now a very real death.

Can you see what connects those three things?

Yeah.

-Him. -It's not, is it?

Well, I...

I didn't mean to... hurt anybody.

I know. I know.

Come here.

I love you.

Pamela.

I killed her!

We've tried to inform the next of kin, but there doesn't appear

-to be any. -No, there won't be. Pam's quite an acquired taste.

-So what exactly is this about? -Well, given that Ms Anderson

turned out to be alive, we've run some tests

and found something rather curious. Pam's blood results show

an abnormally high level of a stimulant drug for which there's

no medical reason for her to be taking, which I think means...

She's on the crank?!

...she was poisoned by someone trying to induce a heart attack.

Bloody hell. This village is like Midsomer Murders.

Yes, except this would be Midsomer Attempted Murders,

because, as I say, she's not actually dead.

No thanks to you.

QUIET CONVERSATION

-Can you make this out? -Why would you come to a search without your specs?

The dog got them, so the arm's loose,

-so they keep falling off me face. -I think that's the chemist in town.

-What did Dr Donut say about Pam's next of kin? -She didn't have any.

Exactly. So why would she be meeting with this guy?

-I can't read that, either. -He does wills.

-William, get packing. -Debbie, come on.

-This is not the answer. -You heard Harold. I have no choice.

That's not what he was saying.

Listen, I don't want to run away. I'm tired and old and...

-...actually, technically dead. -We're not running away.

-We're taking a holiday. - Debbie... -A weekend away, then. - No.

A road trip. A getaway. A couples' retreat.

I'm not going to stand here and play WordHippo with you.

We cannot take a holiday from guilt.

A mini-break?

WILLIAM SIGHS

Look... Come here.

WILLIAM MAKES SOOTHING NOISES

What am I going to do, then?

I think you know.

-You do the pharmacy, I'll do the solicitor. -Yes, guv.

-Cooee! -I thought we agreed you'd keep your head down.

Yeah, I'm like a hippo, aren't I? Just keep on popping up for air.

Did you know that hippos produce their own sun cream?

-I'm really busy, Debbie. -Yeah, I know. I need to talk to you

-about, um, Pamela. -That's what I'm busy with. - You're looking for

-the culprit? -Yeah. -Yeah, well, look no further.

It was me.

-What are you on about? -Well, I might not have literally

plunged my hand into her heart and pulled the valves out of her,

but the, erm...

-What are valves in? -Sockets?

Flanges, is it? No, flaps. Flaps. Anyway, shush, no,

it doesn't matter. I now realise, thanks to your husband,

that I bear responsibility for her death.

-Right, is that everything? -Well, aren't you going to take me in?

-No. - Why not? -Because Pam's not bloody dead, Debbie.

Although she WAS being poisoned.

-Was...?! I didn't do that! -No, I know.

I'm on my way to the pharmacy now.

What do you mean?

How have you got yourself into this?

That's funny, that's exactly what St Peter said last night.

I had a dream - inspired, no doubt, by my flirtation with hard drugs.

I was at the gates of heaven, being given a stern grilling by St Peter,

who, weirdly, looked like Richard Osman.

-I can see that. -He had his little clipboard out.

-Is this St Peter or Osman? -Both. Same. -Of course.

He was asking me if I could make an argument

for why a lying fraudster should be let into heaven.

-What did you say? -Well, I made the best argument available to me.

-Which was? -I said it was all your mother's fault.

-Want some jelly? -What flavour is it?

Pork pie.

No, thank you.

You did hide it.

Mmm. I just want a quiet life, Harry.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Looks like I'm not going to get one without being actually dead.

-Hello. -We're from widow club.

My mum's not here right now. I'm not sure when she'll be back.

Oh, that's fine. First rule of widow club is we don't mind waiting.

Sure, but I do have stuff I need to be getting on wi...

Crack on, then, love. You won't even know we're here.

-You all right? -Yeah. A couple of teas wouldn't go amiss.

Of course.

Who could be poisoning Pamela?

Well, maybe someone she were blackmailing wanted revenge.

Oh, I would do many things, but I won't do that.

-All right, Meat Loaf. -It's a proper mystery, isn't it?

-A tough nut to swallow. -I know, and usually it's quite easy,

-because it's always... -BOTH: - ..the husband.

-Yeah. - Did Pamela ever have a fella? -Pamela?

-No. -Why not? -Neha, Pamela's a lady's lady.

What, posh?

-No, a LADY'S lady. -Oh, I see! I never realised. - Yeah.

She's a very private person. I think that's why I find her so boring.

-Actually, have you told Harold that she's alive? -No. Why?

Cos I'd like to do that.

I knew it wasn't my fault.

It's for modafinil, but the name's illegible.

-What's modafinil used for? -It's a stimulant.

It can be prescribed for narcolepsy.

Do we know anyone with narcolepsy?

SHE SNORES

Can I help?

Er, no. I'm good. Thanks. Please, go and sit back down.

Oh. OK.

Harry, can... can I tell you something, just between us?

Yeah. Of course, Jean. It's only us here.

I'd rather not be alone in there.

-Right. -It's nice to have company that's awake.

-Do you know what I mean? -Hmm... -So... may I?

HE MOUTHS

Oh, er, yeah, sure.

-Here we go, Jean. -Thanks.

-Did you hear about Pamela? -Oh, yeah. Terribly sad.

I just can't think what gave her a heart attack.

I know. I know. It's a real mystery.

Hey, Jean, are you sure you don't want to go into the living room?

Oh, no, no. Thank you. I'm fine here. In fact, while I remember,

I brought some home-made cupcakes. Triple chocolate.

Oh, Jean, you shouldn't have.

CLINK

Oh, I enjoy it.

Baking keeps my mind off everything.

Mm. Thank you.

Right, so we should head back to the station

-and work out what Billie's up to. -No. No, I have to check in

-with Susan. -Why? What's she doing?

-I shouldn't really tell you. -Oh, come on. I'm on the team.

OK. Well, we did find some evidence that Pam might have changed her will

-recently... with a solicitor. -Oh. Hence why you're asking

-about a boyfriend. -Very good!

-Officer? - BOTH: - Yes? -We don't do a lot of modafinil, so I checked

when we last filled a 400mg prescription.

-And...? -I hope it's OK that I did that.

I didn't mean to overstep or anything. I just...

And I know I can be a bit beaky. And my mum says...

-Oh, my God, spit it out! -Erm, it was last Thursday.

Oh, let's have a look.

Oh! There's your Parkinson's thief again. Any luck finding him yet?

No. He's proving a bit of a ghost.

PHONE RINGS

-Guv? -SUSAN: - So, I just spoke to the solicitor.

-Oh, is that Susan? Turn her up. -Hello? Who's that?

-It's Debbie. It's Debbie Fendon. -Oh, hiya, Debbie! You all right?

Yeah, fine. Just keeping on keeping on, you know?

-You still bowling? -Yeah, trying to,

but I've been having trouble with a gippy knee recently.

Might have some gel for that, actually.

-I've tried the gel, thanks. It's too sticky. -No, sorry, ladies,

-can we just focus? -Yeah, OK. -It should be here any second.

So, yeah, I spoke to the solicitor. Nice guy, but savage BO.

And Pam's will was updated six weeks ago,

and you'll never guess the beneficiary.

Oh, my God.

-Jean. -Oh! I was hoping to surprise you.

Jean?!

Mmm. Mmm. Oh, these are delicious, Jean.

-Is that... Is that maple syrup I can taste? -You've got a good palate.

Yeah. I ate a lot of pancakes on a holiday to Florida once.

-Oh, was that with your mum and dad? -Yeah. -Such a shame,

-what happened to your dad. -Mmm. Yeah. No, we miss him.

HE EXHALES

Forgive me, Jean. Sorry. Suddenly I feel quite tired.

-That's OK, love. -Those cupcakes are lovely, though. - Yeah.

I always find the maple syrup is a perfect flavour combination

-for the gamma hydroxybutyrate. -Right.

Sorry, what did you say? The gammy hydroxy what now?

It's more commonly known as GHB.

OK. That's... That's good in cupcakes, is it?

It is if you want to incapacitate someone.

-Why would you want to do that? -Oh, you've still not got it.

-Ain't got what? -Your mum always said you were a bit slow-witted.

Huh?

I'm here to get my money.

Now that Pam's gone, I'm on a bit of a ticking clock, you see.

Sorry, wait, wait. How did you know that was in there?

Can you keep a secret?

I'm not really blind.

And I've known all along...

...William.

Oh, hello.

Hiya.

-You told everyone you were blind. -No, that's not fair.

I never said I was blind. I said I was visually impaired.

-What's the difference? -Have you got all day?

Wait. So what IS your impairment?

-Just double vision, really. -Oh, for fuck's sake.

So instead of being blind, you can see two of me?

-Yeah. It's funny, really, eh? -I don't think it's funny.

-I think it's a bit rum. -Coming from you?!

You've got a nerve, you Fendons.

Now, if you don't mind, I have got a flight to catch.

I'll be seeing you, then. All four of you!

Probably in hell, if you believe in that sort of thing.

THUD

Take that, you loathsome mole-eyed bum hole.

DEBBIE SIGHS

Told you I was saving it for a special occasion.

Finally, I can retire.

Oh, bloody hell!

It's like Jonestown.

REPORTER: - After her arrest six weeks ago,

it emerged that Jean Cotterill seduced Pamela Anderson,

a local vulnerable woman, and had been slowly poisoning her

with modafinil, which she'd been stealing from another villager,

in order to cause a heart attack.

Her plan was to steal the inheritance.

Cotterill, who's partially sighted, even led Pamela

and other villagers to believe that she was in fact completely blind.

This has been a shockingly dramatic case

in this small, quiet and peaceful village.

I am surprised, but then I'm not,

cos if you ask me, this village is a little bit damned.

Why do they always use the stupidest people for vox pops?

Yeah!

We just can't believe it, you know?

Oh... We were flabbergasted.

This is a law-abiding, quiet, transparent community.

-So there isn't a lot of crime here? -What?

There's no crime at all. I leave my doors open.

Anybody who wants to come into my house can come into my house.

There's absolutely NOTHING to hide there. At all.

Cotterill was charged with attempted murder,

but that was dropped in exchange for her pleading guilty

to administering a toxic substance.

She's now been sentenced to four and a half years.

Meanwhile, for Pamela Anderson, thankfully, it's time for her to be

reunited with old friends. This is Steve Knibbs in Colberton.

Aw...

NEWSREADER: - Plans to build the UK's largest...

- TV OFF - It's amazing she survived, really.

I mean, doctors said she had more amphetamine in her system

than Diego Maradona.

-Jean Cotterill, supervillain. -HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE

Who'd have thought, Mum? You weren't the biggest criminal in the village.

You weren't even the biggest criminal in widow club.

Excuse me. I'm not a criminal.

You're only a criminal if you get caught.

-I'm not sure that's how it works. -Oh, wind your neck in, PC Pedant.

Sorry to be slow, but if Pamela's innocent,

why did she put the blackmail letter in your pocket at the casino club?

Because Jean asked her to. Told her it was a voucher for Lakeland.

Poor old girl was being used as a totally unwitting mule.

-Yeah. And you nearly killed her. -Oh, Harold. Do you ever let anything go?

Did we get the Lakeland voucher?

Because they do a very good range of dual-ended silicone spatulas

that can get right into the crannies of a yoghurt pot,

you know, scoop it all out.

No.

Right, we must get on. Guests arriving in an hour.

All hands on deck for nibble prep.

And remember, don't let Billie have too much quiche,

or she'll be guffing all afternoon.

HE GROANS

One minute I was grilling a chop,

the next it was like being back in the Falklands!

HE IMITATES EXPLOSION

-And it was a guinea pig? -Oh, yeah. He's got a scar

-from its little teeth. Show her. -I'll take your word for it.

-I just feel so foolish. -You must forgive yourself.

Sometimes a good heart doesn't see the bad.

That's very profound, Rupert.

Isn't this nice?

You've just committed fraud, got away with being blackmailed,

narrowly avoided killing one of your best friends

and still have your supposedly dead husband in the loft, and so

you decide to invite the whole village round for a house party?

Exactly. If all that isn't cause for celebration,

I don't know what is.

CORK POPS

- GEOFF: - Ow!

-Oh, sorry, Geoff. -Not again! Bloody hell!

She will need top grades for medicine, like myself.

It's a difficult industry...

-That's the one I've got here, so... -Yeah, OK.

-Sorry, just have to squeeze by. -I know you don't! -I do.

Ah, there they are, Harry Potter and Dobby.

-I got a bit bored. -Yeah, tell me about it.

Come on, then. Budge up.

HARRY GROANS

Ooh! Yes, please.

CHOCOLATE WRAPPER RUSTLES

Sh!

- ALL: - Cheers.

Mmm.

Excuse me. Do you have any hand-san?

Because I accidentally brushed that man's corduroy trousers,

and the grooves are terrible for harbouring bacteria.

No, sorry, I don't have any.

SHE SIGHS

You know, the last few weeks is the most we've been together

-since I left school. -All it took was your dad dying.

I suppose I've always brought people together,

first in life and now in death.

And when you think about it, I'm not unlike Jesus.

Which makes Mum Pontius Pilate.

That's very bloody rude.

Do you think your own mother would murder the Son of God?

-No. It was a joke. -Well, it's not funny.

-All right. Sorry. -When will you learn

-that your supposed jokes are actually very offensive? -All right.

-I'm hardly Dave Chappelle. -Who's that?

Ah.

WHISPERS: Can you keep a secret?