Original subtitles

There must be some spell I can say to undo all this.

Eli: You have to Bury it deep

below the place your journey began.

Just keep on breathing, okay?

I've been wanting to, uh, um...

Get closer to you?

- Well, hey there. - Hello.

Heather: So, are you two together or...

No. He's got a girlfriend, though.

- Aah! - No!

Amanda. What the hell happened?

Your hand... it grew another you.

Looking for me?

Both: Time...

Die.

- What the fuck... - Is going on?

Oh!

Son of a bitch!

Kelly: Holy shit.

Two ashes?

Easy, kids. No need to jump the gun here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't shoot the wrong guy, dummies.

Oh, ho! You buying this shiny turd?

This is the guy who killed Fisher.

Come on, take him out.

I did not.

That guy killed Fisher. Take him down.

Of course he's going to say that. He's a murderer.

Pablo, amigo, just kill the guy

and I'll get you a pifiata or whatever.

- Subtle racism. - But not that subtle.

Hey, hey, hey. I'm a racist, too.

Asian babies creep me out.

But unlike Mr. Imposter here,

I know stuff about your past.

Stuff that only you told me.

Pablo, until you were nine,

your best friend was a kitty cat.

Notorious c.A.T.

Anybody can figure that crap out.

Kelly, when you were in junior high school,

you told me you busted a stained glass window of a church.

By accident.

Then you punched a nun in the face. Ha ha.

She was being so dramatic about that stained glass.

And she hit me first.

Okay, look, just shoot us both.

What?

Yeah, it's the only way.

That way, this asswipe is dead

and I don't have to deal with this horseshit anymore.

Come on.

- All right. - Oh. Oh, no. No, no.

Okay, how'd you know it was really me?

Well, first off, you're racist,

but not against asians.

Well, why would I be?

They give such incredible massages

with those teeny hands.

Also, you tried to take the easy way out.

Total ash move.

What? Come on.

The only person you're willing

to lay down and die for is you.

Well, that's because I'm very important to me.

Yeah, we definitely shot the right one.

I'm reconsidering.

Still...

I might have given my life for her.

God, we would have made such a handsome couple.

So, how did that happen?

Ash: My asshole hand.

It came back, grew another me.

Same shit, different day.

Things were going fine with Amanda, too,

but that went south

all because of that goddamned book.

No disrespect,

you were the one who read from it.

No disrespect, Kelly,

if you live in the past, you hurt the future.

Now, this book has some freaky weird power.

The sooner it's six feet under, the better.

First we got to deal with these bodies.

We can't have hot and sexy coming back to ruin our day.

And I say that with all due respect to her.

Well, brains before beauty.

Brad: Hello?

Pablo: Aw, shit.

We got company.

Happy campers coming at you.

Hello?

Uh, hey.

What are you guys doing here?

Brad got us lost.

Brad: It wasn't my fault.

The trees, they, uh...

You know, it's like the trail map just stopped making sense.

Can we crash here, maybe?

In this tiny cabin?

No, no, no. The three of us here,

we kind of fill it up to capacity.

Plus, there's a few dead bodies in there.

Dead animal bodies.

Right, because maybe we're veterinarians.

Really bad ones.

We specialize in a very radical form of surgery.

Or we're just hunters.

I think the point is there's no room at the inn,

so you guys might just have to beat it. Sorry.

But maybe we could just camp in the front yard?

Can you give us a second?

Okay, look, there is no way in hell

they're going to stay here,

'cause they're going to get possessed,

then they're going to be on the night train to killadelphia.

With stops in chokelahoma city and die-ami.

- Nice. - I thought you'd like that.

Oh, hey, sorry to break up your moment,

but we can't just send them back into the woods.

Who knows what else is out there?

It's a hell of a lot safer out there than here.

And you're just worried about the little sister.

Brad: Chainsaw...

Yeah, I am.

Her name's Heather and she's super cute.

I don't know much else about her.

That's all you have to know.

Okay, look, you two are going to take them

the back way to elk rapids.

Man, what back way?

There's a trail right up behind the cabin,

goes to civilization.

Then get your asses back here because I need you.

In the meantime, some of us have to slice and dice.

Good luck.

So, change of plans.

It's cool of you guys to show us the way out of here.

Oh, yeah, well,

anything to get out of a house of dead animals, right?

Listen, I know you're not hunters

or veterinarians.

Not normal ones, anyway.

What are you guys up to?

What? Uh...

We're getting you and your family to elk rapids.

Okay, fine, it's a secret. You know what?

If you didn't have a girlfriend, I'd find a way to get it out of you.

Whoa. What do you mean, "girlfriend"?

Well, I heard you were seeing someone.

From who?

From... from her.

Is it serious?

I'm not sure.

- You okay? - Yeah.

Chopping up my evil clone.

Maybe someday that'll feel weird.

I just the two of us I

I we can make it if we try I

I just the two of us I

I just the two of us I

I just the two of us I

j' building castles in the sky I

I just the two of us I

I you and I... j'

Maybe I should mount this on the wall.

- Ash! - Fuck me.

To Bury me is a mistake.

No, we are not having this conversation.

You should use me.

No. I already did that dance.

Made my life a living hell.

Only because you're trying to fight me.

Stop fighting. Admit it!

You're not all good, either.

Be smart for once. Use me.

No. You're taking a dirt nap.

Ash, if you Bury me, you stop being a Superman

and go back to being a stock boy.

- No. - Yes!

Nope. Not this guy.

I've got possibilities.

Book: To do what?

Have a family? Become president?

Get rich?

None of that's ever going to happen.

I'm what makes you special.

Blah, blah, blah.

Play's over, Shakespeare.

Amanda, I'm sorry for what I must do to you.

I promise I'll be a gentleman and respect your modesty

while I cut you into small pieces.

Well, maybe just one last little peek at those...

Shit.

Amanda?

Brad: You know what? I like the forest in the fog.

It kind of glows.

Yeah, day or night,

there's always something beautiful out here,

even if it's hard for some people to see it.

Hey, I voted for lake havasu, okay?

So, heatherjust told me that I got a girlfriend?

That's weird.

Yeah. She said you told her that.

- I did. - Why?

I don't think she's good enough for you.

What's wrong with her?

Come on, you know how crazy girls can be.

Yeah. I'm learning.

Look, Pablo, I'm sorry, okay?

But it's not a good idea

to get involved with someone right now.

What? Why?

Because life expectancy is real short out here.

Brad: Just enjoy the view.

And I don't want to have to deal with that aftermath.

Neither should you.

That's not how I want to live.

Oh, my god.

- Watch out. Stay back. - What is it? What is it?

It was just a...

- Raccoon. - Eew.

Brad: Guys? Guys? What the hell?

You know, it makes for real good eating.

I've never heard that before.

Oh, yeah.

Makes a real robust and savory stew.

We should keep moving.

Come on.

Brad: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa! Hang on! Hang on!

Let's look before we leap this time, huh?

Get out of the way, Brad.

Excuse me, but my husband works in forestry,

and I think you should listen to him.

He needs to stand clear of the trees, all right?

Why? So you can shoot another innocent animal?

Hello, pussies!

Ash was supposed to chop you up!

Guess he can't do anything right.

Brad: No!

Don't! Stop! Stop!

Amanda: Ha ha! Ha ha!

- Ha ha! - Holy shit! Shit!

Kelly: Oh, my god!

- Pablo: Oh, shit. - Oh, god.

- Aah! - Oh, my god!

- Put him down! - Aah!

Aah! Shit!

Drop him!

Why? Is that what ash would want you to do?

- Heather: Oh, god. - Hello! I'm Pablo.

I do whatever ash wants me to do.

Oh, oh! Hi, I'm Kelly!

I do whatever ash wants me to do, too.

Hello, Kelly. Do you love me?

'Cause I love you. Ha ha ha!

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you!

- Ha ha! - Shut up!

- Shut up! - Aah!

Ha ha!

- Get it off! - Aah!

Ha ha ha!

You're next, hot stuff.

Leave her alone!

Ahh.

Mmm.

Before you die, I want you to know

there is no heaven.

I'm going to peel the skin off your pretty little face!

Get away from her!

Oh!

It's time your loyalty to ash got rewarded.

Amanda.

Ruby.

Ash did this to me.

Don't trust her! She's lying!

The truth.

The truth is...

We can still be together if you want.

Well, I'd like that.

But our time has not yet come.

Ow!

Did you really have to do that?

Amateurs.

Who the hell is that?

I... my... my leg.

I'm almost done.

This isn't real. It can't be happening.

I wish you were right.

Ruby: Better tell goldilocks to shut her baby blues.

This fairy tale's about to get real bloody.

Oh, jeez. Just stop it. What are you doing?

Pablo: It's okay. Listen.

We got to chop 'em up...

Or else they could come back as something much worse.

Nothing is worse than this.

Trust me. Everything is worse than this.

Ruby: Tough little bugger.

So who the hell are you and what do you want with ash?

I'm the one who's going to stop him

turning more people into monsters.

What the hell are you talking about?

Ash doesn't turn anyone into monsters.

He fights them.

Yeah, he's the only one standing in their way.

And me, too.

I stand in their way all the time.

Oh, yeah, he fights them, all right.

He's still got that book, hasn't he?

The necronomicon?

Because, you know, that...

That is at the root of all this trouble.

Listen, Amanda was my friend, too.

It doesn't matter what ash's intentions are.

As long as he's got that book...

A trail of dead bodies is going to follow.

So take me to him.

Ash: Whoa!

Why the hell are you on this property?

And where's the book you stole from my family?

Easy, Nancy drew.

The hell you guys doing? Selling tickets?

She's a knowby, and she saved us from Fisher.

Well, not all of us.

Okay. All right.

Well, number one, it's my book. Has been for 30 years.

Number two, I'm on your damn property

because I'm here to save a little something I call earth.

You know what I've been doing these past 30 years?

Cleaning up your messes so they don't destroy

a giant thing that everyone calls the earth.

And what have you accomplished in all these years?

You put a chainsaw on your stump?

Congratulations.

You know, it's a lot harder than it looks.

Name one other person you know

that has a functioning chainsaw arm.

Ruby: This has to stop.

You've got the necronomicon

and you need to give it to me.

- So where is it? - None of your beeswax.

I will tell you this, though.

Pretty soon it's going to be six feet under.

- Oh, you're going to Bury it? - Bet your bippy.

I found that out during a drug-fueled trip.

So your entire plan to save the world

comes courtesy of a bong hit?

No. I didn't smoke the drug, lady. I drank the drug,

which gave my mind a backstage pass to the reality show.

I'm going to Bury it in the basement,

then I can finally say to evil,

"hey, evil, why don't you eat my butt?"

Wonderful imagery.

But it won't work if you just Bury the book.

That's what my vision says.

Then your vision is stupid.

Yeah, you're right. It is kind of stupid.

Almost as stupid as your stupid face.

You say one more dumb thing...

I'm going to say a lot of dumb things.

That didn't work.

Okay! Okay, kids! Break it up.

All right, just everyone take a deep breath, okay?

Look, if the book is just buried like before,

then some other fool like you can come along and use it.

For the necronomicon to be laid to rest,

it has to be dismantled.

- Destroyed. - Impossible. Tried it.

With what? Your peashooter and your power saw?

Don't talk bad about moe and Larry here.

They've served me very well over the years.

Sure, they can kill the body that evil inhabits,

but that spirit just keeps coming back, doesn't it?

- Maybe. - Yeah.

You see, the book and the evil that surrounds it

really aren't affected by such things.

No, you got to use...

- The kandarian dagger. - I know what that is.

Yeah, so why don't you show me the book

and we'll finally end this?

I got to talk to my peeps.

All right, guys, what do you think?

Okay, well, she did save our lives,

and I think she smells kind of nice.

Although I haven't showered in a really long time,

so I'm probably not the best judge.

Kelly: I don't know.

I mean, if I've learned anything from you, ash,

it's that if something seems too good to be true,

it probably is.

And also, she doesn't smell that nice.

Man, making decisions is so hard.

Let's look on the bright side.

We're balls deep in this shit.

There's nowhere to go but up.

Yeah, up shit's creek.

Without a paddle.

Okay, you have to use the kandarian dagger

to deface the book.

Literally. Rip the face off the binding.

And once you start, you cannot stop,

no matter how difficult it gets.

Don't stop till the face-lift is done.

Got it.

Okay, book, this is going to hurt you

a lot more than it's going to hurt me.

Ash!

Yeah, I forgot to mention

this thing has become quite the chatty Cathy.

Not for long.

Ash!

Please!

Sto...

Oh, Jesus.

Whew.

Okay. Now what?

Now present the book to me.

Then the power of ownership will be mine

and the ritual will be complete.

Sounds simple enough.

What's wrong?

Uh, nothing.

Then why'd you stop?

Well, I don't know. It just...

Should I say good-bye to it or what?

With the book defaced, time is of the essence.

Yeah, yeah, I got that. But after all we've been through?

Ash...

You have carried this burden for 30 years.

Isn't it time you let someone else take the load?

Just let her take your load, jefe.

Just finish it.

Okay. Fine.

Sure. Yeah, take it.

Chorzem, kumaarizma,

uwarizim aratta...

Fa raga shi ta,

iucera gai suckra...

Ishtar dumuzi,

akah mannah!

I don't think I like this.

Vara ashitar,

bara anasa iktanar.

Whede sighonor haratar!

What's happening?

There's something fishy with that book.

Sherbo iivarnar!

- Pablo! - Aah!

- Oh! - Pablo!

Pablo!

Aah!

- Help me! - Oh, my god!

Oh, my god! Get it off him!

- Ruby, give me that book. - Kan draw, ecru em, finitum!

You have no idea what you're doing!

Kelly: Ash!

Kelly: Do something!

- Heather: Help him! - Kelly: Help me!

Of course I know what I'm doing.

I wrote this book.

Kelly: Pablo!

I if they asked me I

j' I could write a book I

I about the way you walk and whisper j“

I and look I

j' I could write a preface j'

j' on how we met I

I so the world would never forget... j'