Original subtitles

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

For you. Give me a call.

One for you.

DAVID: I don't look upon this like it's the end.

I look upon it like it's moving on.

You know, it's almost like my work here's done.

You know, I can't imagine Jesus going,

"Oh, I've told a few people here in Bethlehem I'm the Son of God.

"Can I just stay here with Mum and Dad now?"

No. You've got to move on. You've got to spread the word.

You know, you've got to go to Nazareth, please.

And that's... Very much like me.

My world does not end with these four walls.

Slough's a big place, you know.

And when I finish with Slough, there's Reading, Aldershot, Bracknell.

You know, I've got Didcot, Yateley.

You know, Winnersh, Taplow.

You know, because I am my own...

My own boss, I can... Burghfield.

I can wake up one morning and go,

"Oh, I don't feel like working today. Can I just stay in bed?

"Oh, I don't know. Better ask the boss."

"David, can I stay in bed all day?" "Yes, you can, David."

(CHUCKLES)

Both me. I'm not...

That's not me in bed with another bloke called David.

(SIGHS)

Be a bit weird for you, will it? When I'm...

-Well, different, certainly. -Sadder, sadder.

But I'm telling this to everyone.

I do not want you going,

"Oh, that's it. We're out of here. There is no point."

-Or walking around with your shoulders... -(PHONE RINGING)

-Sorry, can I just get that? -Yeah.

Hello.

Oh, that's great. No. That's a load off my mind.

Anna, thanks for calling. Cheers. Bye.

-Sorry, what were you saying? -I just... I want to, you know, um...

-Oliver! -OLIVER: Hello.

-They took the lot, mate. -OLIVER: All of it? You lucky...

-You were bricking it, you know. -I was, yes.

All I'm saying is I don't want you... I want to leave...

-Sorry. Can I just phone Steve? -Yeah. Busy. You're busy.

(DIALLING NUMBER)

Steve? It's Jamie.

They took the lot, mate. Yeah.

No, it was a team effort.

Yep. Yeah, well, that's what I thought.

We'll be fine. We're absolutely fine.

(CHUCKLES) Oh! Here he is.

The big man.

Ow!

Clumsy.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

-Hello. -Hiya.

-How are you? -I'm all right. How are you?

-My Mum and Dad phoned me last night. -Mmm-hmm.

Um... Okay, basically, we have this beautiful little cottage in The New Forest.

-Hmm. -Once a year, we kind of organise this family do,

and my Mum and Dad wanted to know whether we'd like to come.

Oh. Oh, shit, I can't. When is it?

Oh, we'll have about, like, a week, two weeks' notice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It'll be on the weekend, fella.

That's what... Yeah. That's tricky. That's the problem.

-Potentially... -Well, I kind of told them that we'd go.

You told them? Oh, I wish you'd asked me.

(WHIRRING AND CLANKING)

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello.

Ooh! Oggy, Oggy, Oggy!

-(OGGY CHUCKLING) -Oi, oi, oi! All right, Oggy?

Keeno here, on speakerphone.

-You on speakerphone? -Yup.

(OGGY LAUGHING)

-Tits. -Shut up.

-Who heard that? -Everyone, you mentalist. Shut up.

-What do you want? -You're coming down to Chasers tonight

-for Gobbler's birthday? -Yeah, definitely.

-Jimmy the Perv coming? -Yeah, yeah.

-What about Fish Fingers? -Oh, Fish Fingers can't come

because Susan caught him getting off with what's-her-face.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, no.

-Oh, that is mental! -Yeah.

Oh. I'll see you later, then.

(LAUGHING) Gonads!

You mentalist.

-Did you hear that? -Mmm-hmm.

Oggmonster.

Here we are. The madhouse.

-Hiya. -Hi.

Hi.

Oh.

-All right, Tim? -All right.

Yeah. All right.

What, her? She's writing an article on me, for Inside Paper.

Look.

Ben's... Are you wondering...

Ben, are you wondering who that is?

Well, I'll tell you all.

If you're wondering who this stranger is, wandering around,

she's writing an article on me for Inside Paper.

-Where have you been? -Warehouse.

Well, you missed me telling everyone

she's writing an article on me.

For In...

Subject matter.

All right.

What do you want to know?

Do you mind if I talk to some of your staff later?

Why?

Well, my train doesn't leave till 1:30,

so I'll hang about, if that's okay, and have a chat with some of them.

Well, I want to see what they say before...

I'm not going to put anything nasty in.

Well, they won't say anything nasty. So...

Okay.

Right, so would you like to tell me about

your individual outlook on management?

Sure, um, put...

"David Brent is refreshingly laid-back for a man with such responsibility."

Yeah, can you just answer in your own words and I'll work it up later.

Yeah. Um...

"Brent mused and then replied..."

-Sorry now, David. -Go on.

-Could you just say what's on your mind? -Yeah.

-And I'm getting it down... -Well, are you getting it down?

Because you're not doing shorthand

and I'm going to be pretty... (SNAPPING FINGERS)

-Just... -Well...

Okay your question, I suppose, was,

"Is it difficult to remain authoritative and yet so popular?"

-Well, no, that wasn't my question. -Well, it's...

Or shall I answer that one first?

Sorry, no. Can we just stick to my questions?

Well, maybe you should be clear on what the question is

because I'm getting a little bit, you know...

Okay.

(LAUGHING)

-But that's what he said on the nog. -That's just offensive.

-What so... What's so funny? -Nothing.

I was just, um...

I was talking to Emma about...

What is that pub we went to on Friday?

-(PHONE RINGS) -Oh!

Gareth Keenan. Hello.

-Hi, baby. It's Anne. -All right?

Are you coming around tonight?

Er... Can't. I'm going up Chasers with the lads.

Oh, come round first. We'll have a bit of time together.

-All right. -We'll have some fun.

Yep. Okay.

Are you, um, going to bring the toys again?

Um... Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah. Look forward to...

Doing it to you, too.

All right. Bye.

-The toys? -Shut up.

What are the toys? Is it Buckaroo?

-It's not Boggle, is it? -Shut up.

(LAUGHING)

-If it's KerPlunk, I'm coming round. -(LAUGHING)

That was actually a private phone call, so...

Well, don't put it on speakerphone then, Gareth.

Yeah, The Jolly Farmer. It's off the... Is it Hungry Hippo?

(LAUGHING)

Private life then. Just to flesh out David Brent, the man.

Is there a better half?

"David quipped, 'Why buy a book when you can join a library?'"

So you play the field?

Well, I don't like using chicks and shit,

but I'm just, you know, chilling out while I'm young, I suppose. So...

-And is there a chick in tow at the moment? -Oh, I don't kiss and tell.

I just trying to find out if you're in a relationship at the moment.

"Brent says, 'No comment.'"

-Right, so you don't have a girlfriend. -Well...

What is a "girlfriend"?

Someone that you'd have sex with?

All right, don't get coarse in a magazine for the public.

I don't think you win a Pulitzer for filth.

Right.

I got this for my mate, Gobbler. It's his birthday.

We're all going up Chasers tonight.

(TOY WOLF WHISTLES) Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Come on, come on, baby!

-Come on, come on, baby! -Watch. Watch.

(PLAYING WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE)

Oh! Oh! Oh!

(WAILING) Oh, no!

(GARETH LAUGHING)

(TOY WOLF WHISTLES)

You know Gobbler, don't you? You seen this?

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Come on, come on, baby!

-Come on, come on, baby! -Watch! Watch!

(PLAYING WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE)

(LAUGHS) He'll really love that. He comes in his pants!

(WAILING) Oh, no!

-(TOY WOLF WHISTLES) -Do it again.

(SNIFFLES) You know, I don't give myself a hard time about things particularly.

I'm 30 years young now.

Anyway, I'm not someone who has specific goals

about, you know, having done this or that by my age.

"I should have done this." "Why haven't I taken that chance?"

I used to think...

I don't know, if you look at life like rolling a dice,

then my situation now, as it stands, yeah, it may only be a three.

If I jack that in now, go for something bigger and better,

yeah, I could easily roll a six.

No problem. I could roll a six. I could also roll a one.

Okay. So I think sometimes just leave the dice alone.

That's why my professionalism is probably only as important as...

-(KNOCKING AT DOOR) -Come in.

...my humanism.

Hi. I just wondered if you've got any time for a little chat.

(SNAPS FINGERS) I've always got time for my staff, Dawn. You know that.

"He's always got time for staff."

Um... Just before you go...

"Even though a lot happening in his mind,

"should be on the staff. He still..." Shoot.

Okay, before you leave, I wanted to hand in my notice.

Oh, no!

I thought this would happen. Who else is thinking of doing this, Dawn?

Um, don't think anyone is.

Don't throw your career away just because I'm leaving.

Yeah, I know it won't be the same.

But you'll probably get to know someone else and...

But that's not why I'm actually going.

-I've read between the lines. -Well, you haven't read it.

Very flattering. But is it just a coincidence

that you're handing in your notice when I'm leaving?

-Yes, it is. -Is it? Is it?

Oh, I thought...

May I ask... Why are you leaving, if you don't mind my asking?

No. I'm gonna go away with my fiance.

-Oh, where are you going? -The States.

All right, okay. Can we just... Yeah, thanks.

What are you going to write about this? Because I thought...

Okay. Cheers. I thought we were...

Getting back to...

"Strings to Brent's bow. A, philanthropist."

-Hiya. Have you got a minute? -Yeah, sure.

I don't know if you know, but when David goes,

-we'll probably gonna do an external appointment. -Right.

But we wondered if you'd do us a favour in the meantime

and be caretaker manager for a while.

-TIM: Oh, blimey. God. -Just...

-Doing David's job for a bit. Overseeing. -Yeah.

And obviously, there'd be acting-up pay.

Right. Well, that's really flattering.

-Thank you. -Not at all.

Listen, I'm gonna say no and...

I mean, it's just a bit more work for a lot more money.

Yep, I understand. I've got nothing to spend it on. So...

-It's only temporary. -I thought that about this job.

And I've been here for, you know... (CHUCKLING)

-Okay. -So I'm, you know...

Listen, I think you should give it to Gareth.

Seriously, I do think you should...

He's a... You know, he's...

-He takes things seriously, he's conscientious... -(TOY WOLF WHISTLES)

-He works hard. -TOY: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

He's responsible. He knows this place inside out.

You know, genuinely, I think he might be...

-(WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE PLAYING) -...the man for it.

-Great. Thanks, Tim. I'm just gonna go out... -Listen...

Thank you. Much appreciated. Thank you.

TOY: Oh! Oh!

(WAILING) Oh, no!

It says here that for women, the most important qualities in a man are...

Eyes, smile,

-flat stomach... -Yep.

-Buttocks... -Yep.

-You've got good buttocks, Gareth? -Yes.

-Can we see them? -No. Gay.

(CHUCKLES)

Okay. Well, let's put it out.

Sheila, what do you look for in a bloke?

I like blacks.

Cool.

Trudy, what about you?

I quite like shy men, actually.

DAWN: Yeah, I understand that.

Would that be yours as well?

-No. -What do you look for in a man?

Rugged good looks.

You always told me it was a good sense of humour.

Yeah, you've got that. You've got a good sense of humour.

Yeah, I know. I know.

(PHOTOCOPIER WHIRRING)

-Oi, Rach. Have you got a sec? Can I have a word? -Yeah.

I just, uh... I just wanted to tell you

and I don't know...

...how to say it. Um...

Oh, this is so...

(INAUDIBLE)

Well done. She's crying.

I know. Just leave it.

It's always up to me to clear up your mess.

Gareth, okay, I'm begging you. Just stay out of it, mate. Okay?

No. You dumped her.

So it's nothing to do with you any more.

She actually needs someone to cheer her up.

Okay, don't take Dirty Bertie, all right?

Don't go over. I beg you. Don't take Bertie.

-Overruled. -Gareth, if you have to go, don't take Bertie, please.

-Hi, are you... -Fuck off.

Potty-mouth.

Oh...

-There you go. -Oh!

-So stay in touch. -Yeah, cheers.

People can't believe I'm this happy to be leaving,

and it's, you know... It's not because there is anything wrong with it.

It's because... You know I did that thing at the community centre?

Well, as I was giving that motivational speech,

I could literally see them all getting all motivated from it.

And that's... You know, it's like being born again.

And it showed me how much I had to offer other people.

And these are the guys from Cooper & Webb.

They're management training consultants.

I'm dealing with it at the moment.

-This is Ray. This is Jude. -RAY: Hi.

This is Helena.

She's writing quite a big article on me

for Inside Paper, the trade magazine. So...

You know, I've mentioned our thing, so...

You don't mind if she sits in on this gig, do you?

-Oh, no. Not if you don't. -I'm coolio. Okay.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello, Wernham Hogg.

(DOOR OPENING)

Yup, I'll put you through.

-I'm gonna be in, in a few days. -Okay.

Obviously, if you've got any problems, give me a call at...

-Um, see you later. -Okay.

Bye, Dawn.

-All right, mate? -What?

Probably wondering who they're gonna offer David's job to.

-Me. -Is it... You got it?

-Yes! -Oh, brilliant. Congratulations, mate.

Thank you. Things are gonna start changing around here,

so you can start bucking your ideas up,

starting with your appearance.

It's going to be a well-oiled, tight ship round these here parts.

(EXHALES)

So what sort of management training is it?

-Uh, we specialise... -Well, I'll tell you. It's...

They use celebrity speakers, expert speakers,

and my personal tip is my rise to the top,

which gives it a whole new edge. So...

Okay. So where are we? Shoot.

We'd like to thank you very much for the time you've given us.

No sweat. It's what I do.

-RAY: But we won't be using you again, I'm afraid. -You won't be?

Why not?

RAY: It's just not exactly what we were looking for.

No, I know. But I'll do it how you...

I did it like that because that was the vibe of the day, wasn't it?

And I'll just... You know. But I'll do it differently.

How do you want me to do it?

We have a very specific idea of what that is

that we're looking for and we know...

Oh, fucking hell!

(SIGHS)

(CLEARS THROAT AWKWARDLY) We would like to say thank you...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

Go on, then. Time-wasters.

-JUDE: We're really sorry about... -Oh, get out.

Go on. Thank you.

Wasting my time.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

-Oh, you mean me as well? -Yeah.

-Would you mind if I just took a quick photo? -No.

-I'm just waiting for the flash to... -Yeah.

(CLEARS THROAT) There's a green light.

Okay.

-(CAMERA CLICKS) -Right.

-Can I just take one more set for safety? -Yeah.

-I'm just waiting for the green light. -Yeah, I know.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

-Right. -Okay.

-(CAMERA WHIRRING) -Lovely.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

-Hello. -Hi.

-You all right? -How you doing?

Fine. Uh...

Am I fine? Um...

I've just heard you were leaving.

-Blimey! -Say it isn't so.

-Word gets around fast. -It's true?

Yeah. Yeah.

Were you gonna tell me, or...

-God, yeah! -Right. You were?

-Yes! -Okay, okay.

So are you... You getting another job?

-No. Um... -All right.

Lee and I are going to go away.

-On holiday? -No, no. We're going to Florida.

Um, for about six months, something like that.

-Six months? -Mmm-hmm.

Well, Lee's sister, she lives out there,

-and, you know, so we could live with her. -Hmm.

And he's not happy in his job. I'm not happy in mine.

So what do you call... Is there a name for this?

-I don't know. -Whatever you're doing...

-Starting again? -Right. Starting again.

Yeah. We'll just get our heads together, I think, and... You know.

TIM: Mmm.

Mmm. Cool.

-Oh, God! Hello. -Hi.

The adventurer. Here he is.

She was just telling me about the American thing.

-Yeah. Yeah. My sister's over there. Yeah. -TIM: Brilliant.

Got a big house, haven't they?

-We haven't seen it yet. -We've seen pictures of the house.

It's a big place. Her husband's raking it in as well. Yeah.

Yeah, we thought we'd get one of those mobile homes, you know,

drive up the coast to the beaches until the cash runs out.

Then, I suppose come home, or better still get a place out there.

-If we like. -Mmm.

-LEE: Accommodation's well cheap. -Is it?

Yeah. I mean, if Dawn gets a job on reception out there,

she'll be twice as well off. So makes sense.

Oh, fancy that. That'd be nice, wouldn't it?

Brilliant. Well, good luck. I'd better get back to work.

-Well done, mate. Have a great time. -Cheers, mate.

-Hi, love. How are you doing? -Good.

So are you looking for swimming costumes or something?

-(SIGHING) -Bikinis?

DAWN: A real relationship isn't like a fairy tale.

If you think that for the next 40 years

every time you see each other you're going to glow,

or you know, every time you hold hands there's gonna be electricity,

then you're kidding yourself really, you know.

What about reliability, or someone paying the mortgage

or someone who's never been out of work?

Those are the more important practical things, you know.

In reality.

Hi, can I speak to Gavin, please?

Hi, Gavin. Yeah.

-(THUDDING) -Ow!

(LAUGHS SOFTLY)

TIM: You know, as I said at the time, when I asked Dawn out,

I didn't ask her out, I asked her out as a friend.

I asked her out because she was having trouble with Lee at the time.

And there was no... It wasn't like a...

You know, under different circumstances,

I'm sure something may have happened but...

You know? She's going away now.

You know, you can't act... You can't change circumstances.

You know.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Dawn. Dawn, can I just have a word in there?

Ta.

-Let me just remove... -(MICROPHONE RUSTLING)

(MICROPHONE GOES OFF)

(INAUDIBLE)

(SWITCHES MICROPHONE ON)

She said, "No," by the way.

-You all right, David? -Yep, fine. You?

-MAN: Yup. -Good. Small talk done.

-Okay, thanks very much. Um... -Go on.

Everyone really appreciates what you've done.

Do you?

Okay. Down to business.

That's what we've come up with as a redundancy offer.

Yup. More than I expected.

-MAN: We've been quite generous. -Bada bing.

Now, you can leave on the third with your holiday,

I understand, which is a Tuesday.

Now we wondered if you wanted to come back for a party on the Friday

-or leave on the Friday before? -(WHISTLING)

Whatever.

MAN: Okay. Well, again, thanks very much, David.

Don't make me redundant.

-I... -Please.

Look, David...

I don't... I've changed my mind. I don't want redundancy.

I don't want that. I haven't signed anything. So...

MAN: Well...

David, unfortunately, it's not really up to you.

-No, okay then. -MAN: I'm sorry.

All right, then. Well, I'm asking.

Okay? Please don't make me redundant.

You can talk to someone, Jenny.

-JENNIFER: But the wheels are already in motion. -I know. We'll stop them.

Because...

MAN: David, we're not going to discuss this now.

I know, but just say that it's not definite now, before you go. We can...

I will try twice as hard, I really will. I know I've been complacent.

And I will turn this place around,

if we just say that it's not definite now, and then we can...

And you're not going until... Starting from now.

Starting from now.

DAVID: Life is just a series of peaks and troughs.

Yeah. And you don't know whether you're in a trough

until you're climbing out,

or on a peak until you're coming down.

And that's it. You never know what's around the corner.

But it's all good. Um... Yeah.

If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.

Do you know which "philosopher" said that?

Dolly Parton.

Yeah.

And people say she's just a big pair of tits.

# So what becomes of you, my love

# When they have finally stripped you of

# The handbags and the gladrags

# That your granddad had to sweat so you could buy #

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello, Wernham Hogg.