Original subtitles

J” last king Christmas last arrived j”

j” on the Christmas Christmas j”

Mmm.

Jerry, you are really giving it to this ham.

Um, merry Christmas.

Hello?

My parents are coming over for the first time in years.

Can we stow the gadgets and look alive?

Alive?

For your parents?

Mm, good one.

Hey, man! You "hey, man!"

This holiday is about humanity.

You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something.

Whatever.

All electronic items are going in the stocking... now.

Dad, I'm not giving you my phone.

Put it in the stocking, summer, or I'm joining Facebook.

A—ho, ho, ho, everybody.

More like "whoa, whoa, whoa."

What is this?

My parents are coming!

Calm down, Jerry.

This is Reuben, an old friend.

Pearl harbor.

I check in on him once a year and give him a little

Medical evaluation.

Aww!

Dad, that is so sweet!

Yeah, it is.

I don't get it.

Korea.

Don't worry about your c-Christmas, Jerry.

I'll be with Reuben in my workshop while you guys are

having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise.

Huh.

You think you know a guy.

Okay, there's my parents.

Now, remember... No TV, no phones, no laptops.

We are connecting this Christmas,

like old—school Jews on a Saturday.

Hey, hey!

Merry Christmas, son.

Uh, hi.

Can I help you?

Jerry, this is Jacob.

Didn't you get our text message?

Together: No!

You must be Jerry.

That's a fine-looking apron.

Williams-sonoma?

I wish!

But thank you.

So, you're a... Friend of the family?

Uh, the way we see it, he's a part of the family.

Wow.

After your father's brush with cancer and losing your uncle,

we looked at life and wondered, how have we spent it,

and how do we spend the rest of it?

What are we going to be when we die...

A list of fears and questions

or a collection of real experiences?

Holy crap. Joyce, that's amazing.

Then Jacob came into our lives,

and... we're learning to live again.

All three of us.

Cool.

Eggnog?

Now we are talking!

This man's got the apron and the eggnog, huh?

Hi, Joyce. Leonard.

Hello, there.

Merry Christmas, man.

Morty, a moment of your time?

He's in bad shape, morty.

Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do?

Gee, thanks, morty.

W-W-What kind of monster do you think I am?

I-i-I'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life.

I need your help.

I want you to find Dr. Xenon bloom.

He'll know what's going on.

Uh, w-w-w-where... Where do I find Dr. Bloom?

In Reuben.

Reuben, minne... Minnesota?

Reuben on the table, morty.

Look, I-I-I I don't have time for you to wrap your

little walnut around everything.

Just hold your breath until the process is over

or your lungs will collapse.

What proc...

Hey, dad, where's morty?

He's busy.

Morty, can you hear me?

Head north.

Rick, where am I?

Depending on my aim,

you should be just south of the entrance.

Morty: Entrance to what?

Welcome, morty.

Welcome...

[Gasdsi

to anatomy park!

It's a little business venture I've been cooking up on the side

with Dr. Bloom —- an amusement park inside a human body.

Science isn't ch—- Cheap, morty.

This should really help put a dent in the overhead.

Oh, my god!

This is insane!

Spleen mountain?

Bladder falls? Pirates of the pancreas?

Rick: You got a problem with that last one, morty?

Huh? No, no.

I'm just reading 'em out loud in the order that I'm seeing 'em.

Rick: Okay. All right.

If I sounded a little defensive,

it's because pirates of the pancreas was my baby.

You know, I got -...

I got a lot of pushback when I pitched it, morty.

I guess I'm still a little defensive.

Let's just find Dr. Bloom, all right?

I-I'm picking up a distress signal in the liver, morty.

Proceed to the liver.

Announcer: Arriving at...

//ver.

Ow!

Announcer: Mind the gap.

It's really scary in here, Rick.

Rick: The liver's under maintenance.

Reuben's seen some rough years, morty.

Don't judge.

You don't agree to have a theme park built inside you if your

life's going great.

Rick! It's a monster!

No, no, no. Morty.

The only monster here is alco ...Holism.

That is an animatronic werewolf.

Who are you?!

Answer me!

Where'd you come from?

My... my... my grandpa Rick sent me!

Poncho!

That's quite enough.

Morty, that's poncho.

This is Roger and Annie.

[Gasdsi

and I am Dr. Xenon bloom.

[Gasdsi hey, bloom, it's Rick.

What the hell's going on here?

I don't know why, but the entire security system has shut down,

and I'm afraid... The exhibits are unlocked.

Exhibits?

Anatomy park's greatest attraction, young man,

isn't the music or the food or the...

Pirates of the pancreas.

Rick: Watch it.

It is, first and foremost, a living museum of humanity's most

noble and ferocious diseases.

Diseases?

Hey, doc.

I got news for you.

Your living museum is officially a wild safari!

Hepatitis a! Run!

Oh, the food goes in your mouth, girl.

Oh, Jacob.

I-I'm sorry, Jacob.

I-I guess I'm still confused about the precise nature and

origin of your relationship with my parents.

Are you, like, uh... are you, like, their caretaker?

Is that what it is?

We can go into detail later, son.

Now, wait. Th-there's no point to secrecy.

Let's all live and die honestly.

Your mother and I have shared 40 years of each other, mind,

body, and soul, and when minds and souls are joined

for eternity and when eternity is at the door,

it's an invitation to let go of the body and an opportunity

to share and experiment.

Dad, please. What are you saying?

Whatever it is, it's beautiful, Leonard, and we support you.

Hey, speak for yourself, because it

Sounds like you're about to say Jacob is your lover.

Grandfather: No, no, no, no, no, no.

Jacob is your mother's lover.

I watch them —-

sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet,

almost always dressed as Superman.

Oh.

Jerry, this ham has got to be all you, right?

It's incredible.

Happy human holiday, dad.

Aah!

Hepatitis won't follow us into the respiratory system.

That's strange.

Airflow is down 20%.

So, the brain isn't getting enough oxygen.

That's why security's offline.

Well, I guess we better check it out.

Hey! Wait for me!

Put that back on!

If we got up to the bronchial catwalk,

we could look for a blockage.

I'll go.

Don't be a hero, kid.

I'm not.

I'm doing it because it's fun.

We shouldn't be here.

Whatever you do, do not fire that thing in here.

We must save Reuben.

This is my life's work.

[Gasdsi it's all right, my dear.

Nearly all human lungs contain a strain of these bacteria,

but the scar tissue keeps them...

Dormant.

Morty, get down!

Whoa-ho-ho!

Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh, what are those things?

Tuberculosis —- coming in fast!

Not faster than a bullet!

Aah!

Dr. Bloom: No!

Do you know what you've done?!

All: Whoa!

Get to the digestive tract!

He's coughing!

Whoaaaa!

Don't let me die!

Just take a deep breath, Reuben.

[Gasdsi

you're not gonna die!

What's your name?

My name is...

Alexand-...

Rick... r-r-Reuben's got tuberculosis!

Oh, great work, morty.

Okay, I'll just cure it and then...

Okay.

Well, I can't cure death.

This is bad, morty.

You're trapped in a dead man.

Listen, if the situation keeps darkening,

do yourself a favor and pop by pirates of the pancreas.

Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, morty.

It's a bunch of pirates running around a

Pancreas.

We don't whitewash it, either, morty.

I mean, the pirates are really rapey.

The top priority is to get, you know, you guys out of there,

but I'm just saying, if that becomes impossible, please,

you gotta treat yourself.

Oh, man.

W-w-w-what is that horrible smell?

You mean the panda express?

Kidding. I—I'm kidding.

The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas.

We're inside a corpse, my boy.

Anatomy park is doomed.

Forget about the park, doctor!

How do we get out?

The digestive tract is the evacuation route.

Get it?

There's an emergency station in the colon with a ray that can

enlarge us all.

Everybody, head for the colon!

Now I'm taking orders from a 12-year-old boy?

Morty, the scar sacs containing the tuberculosis were sabotaged.

This disaster was an inside job.

Keep your eye on Annie.

She was written up several times

by her manager at the churro stand.

Intestines are ahead to the left, then to the right,

then left, et cetera.

Hey, just so you know, i-i-I'm actually 14.

So, you know... what?

Not 12.

Okay.

You know, because he just said I was 12.

Oh.

Good for you.

Rick: Oof. Ugh. Il/lon'y.

Strike one.

J” it's a road of wonder j”

j” a trail of food j”

j” it's a pathway to break up the bad and good j”

j” it's a tube that digests and then sends out the rest j”

j” it's a small, small intestine j”

it goes on like this for miles.

Then we get to the large intestine!

Shh! I hear something.

Don't move.

Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move.

Wait, I was wrong.

I was thinking of a t. Rex.

Move!

We're sitting ducks!

Doc, didn't you say that the body was filling with gas?

Yes. Why?

Kid, you're a genius.

Are you mad?!

Everybody, in here!

Hey, gonorrhea!

How's this for a burning sensation?

Huh.

I giggles I

j” drummer drum drum drum drum drum j”

j” drum drum drum drum drum drum j”

j” Christmas drums j”

oh, sing it, summer.

J” Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y j”

oh, I love to hear you sing.

Jerry, come on.

This is what you wanted.

I get it, Beth.

Be careful what you wish for.

I'm being punished for taking your iPad.

What?

Jerry, let that stuff go, okay?

I'm sorry I was a bitch earlier.

Let's just be here.

Summer!

Ethan?

What are you doing here?

I've been texting you for hours!

What the hell?!

I don't have my phone!

I'm doing a human holiday!

Well, did you even consider how that might make me feel?!

How you feel?!

Why is everything always happening to you?!

Summer, do you have a boyfriend?

Yeah, do you, summer?

I don't know, Ethan.

Do I?!

Jerry, no disrespect, but you really need to

connect more with your family, man.

I should be able to access the backup generator to get the

growth ray online.

If it works, we'll be regular-sized in a few minutes.

I just hope Reuben's not in a room with white carpets

or upholstery.

What the hell is that?

The sphincter dam.

We built it when Reuben became inconfinent

but it was not designed to hold a corpse load.

I've almost got it.

Everybody, move inside the circle.

Poncho?

What is this in your backpack?

That's bubonic plague!

What are you doing with that, poncho?

[Gasdsi

everybody, get back!

Poncho, you son of a bitch!

You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me?

That's right, baby.

A lot of people would pay top dollar

to decimate the population.

I'll take the highest bidder...

Ai—qaeda, North Korea,

Republicans, shriners, balding men that work out,

people on the Internet that are only turned on by cartoons

of Japanese teenagers...

Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent,

iTunes-gift-card-as—a—holiday- bonus-giving mother—-

Come on!

Aah!

Get off!

You guys!

It's gonna burst! Go!

Go, go, go!

My foot is stuck.

No! It's okay!

It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them.

They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and

she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can -...

No!

Let me ask you a question, Ethan.

Where's the anger coming from, man?

From summer being a total bitch!

Where's the anger coming from?

My brother... took me fishing once ...In the bushes...

I can't... I can't...

He made me feel like a girl!

I... he made me a girl!

He didn't make you anything, man.

You are who you are.

She is who she is.

Now, you go to her... brand-new.

Come here, right now.

Oh, my god.

I'm so sorry, Ethan!

I love you!

I love you so much.

Um...

You did it again, cubbie.

Come here.

No! Stop! I hate this!

Well, Christmas doesn't revolve around what you hate, son.

Well, then I hate Christmas!

Enjoy being human!

You guys are gross and lame.

My name's Reuben Ridley.

You're inside me right now, but by the end of this journey...

Whoopsie.

Animatronic Reuben: I'll be inside all of you.

My story begins during

the dot-com crash in the early '903.

You can put your fingers wherever you want.

Rick: Morty, you want to put it on mute or something?

I'm... I'm trying to concentrate.

Uh... Rick?

Not now, Jerry.

I've got much, much smaller fish to fry.

I wanted to say I'm sorry I everjudged you.

Right now, you're my sanest relative.

Relative.

R-Relative size!

Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite.

Morty, can you get to the left nipple?

Are you kidding?

I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick.

No, morty, I'm talking about reubenis left nipple.

We need to get to the left nipple!

The body is decaying.

The arterial transit system is useless.

We can try the service shuttle.

It's connected to the skeletal system.

That's why we call it the bone train.

Would you like to ride the bone train, miss?

If it'll get us out of here.

How about you, morty?

Would you like to ride the bone train?

Why are you doing this bit?

We're gonna die! Let's go!

Well... I can see you're busy.

Merry Christmas, Rick.

There's no autopilot.

One of us will have to stay here and operate it manually.

- Uh, well... - Bloom: No, you're... you're right.

I-lt was a dick move for me to even pause like that.

This is all my fault.

You go on.

What the hell is that?

E. Coli outbreak.

Hurry!

Wait, there is an autopilot.

Wait!

It's okay! Never mind!

I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway!

They're... they're chewing through the doors!

We're in the areola, Rick...

Almost to the nipple, but we're also in a really bad situation!

Rick: I'm almost there, morty!

Reports from all over the country have been coming in

about what appears to be a giant,

naked man over the continental United States.

We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tom?

Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry,

but I'm standing under a nose like a 70—mile cherry.

Thank you, Tom.

Let's go now to Eric mcmahan in Los Angeles.

We've got feet here on the west coast, bill —-

giant feet,

even relative to the giant man's size,

and you know what they say about that.

Well, if the old adage is true,

one can only wonder what's going down in the rocky mountains.

Wha?

Oh my god, the track!

It's hepatitis a!

Aaaah!

[Gasdsi

the nipple hole.

It's beautiful.

Oh, no!

Holy crap!

Whoa! It's hepatitis c!

Um... wait...

Did we have some sort of relationship with him?

I think they're just like that?

I think they're just good guys.

Oh. Huh.

Rick: Where's Dr. Bloom?

I'm sorry, Rick, but he's dead.

God damn it, morty.

I ask you to do one thing!

Jerry doesn't know what he's missing.

He'll come around, Beth.

Christmas is a special time.

It has funny ways of bringing families together.

I don't know, Jacob.

Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it.

I don't know if our marriage will...

[Gasdsi

it's raining blood!

Oh, shit. Find Jerry.

Oh, god.

Jerry! It's all right.

The TV says there's nothing to worry about.

The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded

blood and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country.

Everything should be fine.

Oh, yes.

Dad, can I have my phone back?

A sure, sweetie. Here.

Everybody, take a device.

It'll help you relax.

This is nice.

Yeah.

Look, I guess we really learned something this Christmas, Jacob.

No, we didn't, dad.

No, we didn't.

Rick: Too bad about Dr. Bloom.

He was a genius...

The only man capable of creating a new anatomy park.

Actually, I studied Dr. Bloom's work.

I-I-I—I believe I have the knowledge necessary to create

an entirely new, much safer park.

What about...

Pirates of the pancreas?

I think it was one of the most underrated attractions.

Boo—yah! Hold your breath.

Hey, w-w-what the hell, Rick?!

What the hell, man! I liked her!

I really had something going there, Rick!

Yeah, so I heard.

You dodged a bullet, morty... trust me.

Puffy vagina.

W-What's wrong with that?

That doesn't sound like a problem to me.

I don't know.

Come on, let's get some stuffing.

I'm starving.

Oh, unbelievable.

We got... we got a bunch of robot, computer people,

sitting around with their faces stuffed into computer screens.

Do you guys realize that Christ was born today?

Jesus Christ, our savior, was born today.

Are -— are -— are you people even human?

What kind of Christmas is this?

Annie: Hey, Rick? Rick, can you hear me?

Loud and clear, Annie.

Annie: Great.

We're also on with Alejandro, our chief imaginarian.

Alejandro: Hey, Rick.

Natalie Jacobs and Chris deseter from microscopic marketing,

Zack from organ concepts, and Jamie from new media.

Hey, everybody.

Hi, how's it going? Hi, Rick.

Annie: So, pirates of the pancreas.

Yeah. Talk to me.

Hey, Rick. It's Alejandro speaking.

Um, so, we asked ourselves, internally...

We asked ourselves over here,

"okay, what does a pancreas do?"

And the answer was, "does it make pirates?"

No, it makes Insulin, you know?

So, we're starting with a new...

Those guys are inside me, huh?

Like, building a park?

Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan!

They're inside you building a monument to compromise!

Fuck 'em.

Fuck those people.

Fuck this whole thing, Ethan.

Cool.

And who pays me?

Did you get any of that?

It's a good-a show!