Original subtitles

[Band playing traditional school song]

[Electric guitar playing feedback]

Captioning made possible by usa network

[Bell rings]

* nobody's leaving without a fight *

* if they want to cut you, this ain't nice *

* yeah, I got lightning in a special place *

* I got a part-time, part-time brickface *

* I got a problem talking to my counterpart *

* I got a cold stone right in my heart *

* uh-huh *

* out of my head *

* uh-huh *

* hey *

Whoa, baby.

* for such a pretty boy, you got an ugly mouth *

* yeah, you're smiling now, but it's heading south *

[burp]

* yeah, I got lightning in a special place *

* I got a part-time, part-time brickface *

[watch beeps]

* uh-huh *

it's now officially 8:01, people!

Let's move it!

Come on, come on. While we're young.

Herbert Jones, get off my car!

* hey *

quickly, quickly, quickly.

Come on, look lively, people.

Come on!

Keep climbing. You won't get a nosebleed.

Button that up, Carla.

Herbert, early bird, worm--

think about it.

* nobody leaves here without a fight *

[watch beeps]

* if they want to cut you *

* this ain't nice *

pull, Wanda. Pull.

* ...In a special place *

* I got a part-time, part-time brickface *

* I got a problem talking to my counterpart *

* I got a cold stone right in my heart **

[tires squealing]

* throw up *

* throw it up *

* drink a lot **

Total destruction.

Any harm?

I don't think so.

Cool. Wait. There's a scratch.

Where? Here?

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

People, um, say

that acid causes, um,

brain damage.

But, um...

What did you say?

Hey, what class do we have now? Math?

Huh?

Dude.

There's nobody in here.

Uh...

Uh, everybody's dead, man.

Nuclear annihilation.

D'agastino and Barry!

It's alive.

It's precisely 8:26,

and you two dopers are still roaming the halls.

Why aren't you two at the assembly?

Principal moss, we've been looking everywhere for you.

What are you talking about?

This guy just totally trashed your car.

Not...my new buick.

Yeah.

We tried to chase him, but he got away.

He...um, was wearing a Billy Joel t-shirt.

Get to the auditorium.

Look, even though I'm probably going to get into Yale

doesn't mean that I don't

suffer from the effects of teen angst.

But I'm here to tell you

that drugs and alcohol are not the answers

to your problems.

[Cheering and applause]

Give me that.

Steve...

President dickhead.

Hey, fuck you, man.

Let's party!

Whoo!

Thanks for saving me a seat, Lisa.

Shut up!

[Boy] Hey, man, what time

does that suit have to be back?

As student body president, I am proud

to bring you this special assembly.

[Boy] Fuck you, nisser!

So without any further ado,

I give to you direct from salt lake city,

the music of high on life!

[Smattering of applause]

Hey there, fairmount high.

We're high on life,

sponsored by the wonderful people at bounty burger.

Get off, you freak!

[Laughter]

Now, I know your teen years can be hard.

Show us your tits!

[Laughter]

But just remember, you're not alone.

We all need a little love in our hearts.

Hit it, jojo.

Go away! You suck! Boo!

* lift up your fellow man *

* lend him a helping hand *

* put a little love in your heart *

they're like abba.

* if you see it's getting late *

* oh, please don't hesitate *

* put a little love in your heart... *

this sucks!

We have to save the assembly.

Let's do some Van damme-age.

* and the world will be a better place *

* and the world will be a better place *

* for you and me *

[faintly] * you just wait and see *

* wait and see... *

hey, v-man.

Huh?

Oh, hey, guys. What's up?

Virus man, we have to do something

about this lip-synching, ok?

Cool! Like what?

* put a little, put a little love in your heart *

* put a little love in your heart **

[feedback]

Boo!

[Rap music playing]

What is going on here?

Calm down now.

Let's settle down--

[Singer] Repent!

Why are you doing this to me?

I only want to help you.

Now, now, now, calm down.

It's going to be ok.

I got to get out of here.

Aah!

Aah!

What the hell is going on here?

Superb assembly, principal moss.

"A." space. "B." Space.

Space. "C." Space.

"D." space. Space.

"E." space.

Hey, how do you get this thing to work, man?

I'd say we're due for another senior class party.

[Boy] This computer sucks.

Hey, Reggie.

Pretty cool how we trashed the assembly, huh?

What are you talking about?

Nothing. Nothing.

Um, where are we going to have it?

How about your stepmonster's place?

No, no. This calls for something

with a higher degree of difficulty.

Liiisaa.

Liiisaa. Lisa, Lisa, Lisa.

What?

Want to cut and go to a party?

Come on.

I know you like me.

Would you leave me alone?

I am concerned about you, Lisa.

You're going to wake up one day

and realize that you wasted

your high-school years studying.

You'll wake up and realize you're a loser.

[Teacher] "L." space.

"P." space.

"Q."

Rr...

Rr....

Marr...

Marr...

Ahh...

Ahh...

[Bell rings]

See you tomorrow, Mr. Bloom.

[Horns honking]

Go.

Go. Go. Don't worry.

I'm a professional.

I know exactly what I'm doing. Go.

[Horns honking]

The cars will stop. Go!

Mom!

[Tires squeal]

Aah!

[Crash]

They never listen to me.

Fools. Never listen to me.

Never. Never.

[Loud rock music playing]

Hey, dude!

You know how to get to 237 stratford road?

Well, dude, how about sterling Ridge Lane?

He doesn't know.

What do you mean he doesn't know?

He's a crossing guard.

Hey, dickhead!

Don't you know your way around the neighborhood?

[Crossing guard] That's it!

Go! Go, go!

Go!

[D'agastino] Later, psycho!

[Girl] Nice job, buddy!

Loser! Get a life, loser!

Stop. Stop.

Stop!

I said stop!

[Knocking on door]

Come in.

Yes, Mrs. Winston?

Hello.

Yes?

Uh...ha ha!

I forgot why I knocked.

Mrs. Winston, are those cut slips you're holding?

My late husband once wrote

a little poem called--

[reciting]

Must be another senior skip day.

D'agastino thinks he can outsmart me.

Not in my domain.

[Loud rock music playing]

* I wanted to find why the world wasn't glowing *

* it's darker, and it's not right *

* falling back under the equator *

* back inside, back inside *

* yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... **

ow.

Hey, cool party, man.

Uh, I have a mission for you.

Oh, you want me to torch

the principal's house?

Ok, but, uh, first,

we need provisions, man.

Oh! Hey, guys, beer run.

[Boy] Where are we going?

Wouldn't it be cool to screw in the principal's bedroom?

Uh, hold that thought.

Well, what are you doing here?

This is a senior class party, isn't it?

Yeah.

Well, then, I'm in the right place.

[Knock on door]

What is it, Steve?

Sir, I thought you might want to see this.

Come in. Come in.

I found it on the floor of my science class.

"Dags and Reggie invite you

to total destruction."

Ha!

"12:00. 237 stratford road."

That's your house, sir.

I know you.

You're that smart girl.

You want to get high?

No, thank you.

* just for once, can you not pretend *

* making out that everything is all right... **

how's it going, Lisa?

Are you out of your mind?

What's the matter?

This is principal moss' house.

Don't worry. The party's going to end at 3:00.

We'll clean up. He'll never know.

[Shouting]

Yeah! Ha ha!

I'm not getting busted for this.

[Needle scratches and music stops]

[Kids] Surprise!

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday.

[Snort]

You think you're so funny,

don't you, d'agastino?

Well, none of your friends are laughing.

They know you're the reason

they're spending a Saturday

in detention.

Hey, it's not my fault.

Well, then, who is responsible

for the mess in my house?

The school system.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

And how is it the school system's fault?

Well...

Um...

The whole reason why I threw the party,

principal moss, is because...

We're fed up.

Yeah. We're adults, you know,

and you just keep bombarding us with your rules.

Stop treating us like kids.

We are fully developed human beings.

You teachers are so out of touch.

We don't need this "a," space, "j," space,

put a little love in your heart shit.

We need a challenge.

You guys have to rethink this whole education thing.

It's just not working.

I'm not saying it's your fault.

You're just a pawn in the game.

It's the government, man.

The government sucks.

Uh-huh. Well, uh...

Now that you've enlightened me

as to the real problem here,

perhaps you should tell the president

about your concerns.

In fact, I think you should all

pool your ideas together.

I want you to draft

a 500-word letter to the president

on what you'd like the government to do

in order to save our education system.

Ohh...

Now,

Mr. Diplo will be in charge today.

Mr. Diplo, I've given these students an assignment.

Make sure they finish it by 1:00.

If they're not finished,

they can stay later.

I know just how to handle these students, sir.

Ok, lights.

[Lisa] Can you guys keep it down?

I'm trying to write the letter.

[Boys] 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

Black and white.

"Teen pregnancy. It's no joke."

Ha ha ha!

Whoo!

Oh, come on, susie. Everybody does it.

I don't know, fast Eddie.

Don't you think we should use a prophylactic?

Ha ha ha!

Don't worry.

I'll pull out at the last minute.

[Girl] No! Don't!

Don't buy it.

Don't do it! No!

[Girl] Do me.

No! Don't do it!

That's my doctor.

Well, susie, it looks like

you're going to be a mother.

[Fast Eddie] Don't worry. I'll pull out.

Don't worry. Ah...Ah...Ah...

Aah! Aah!

Ha ha ha!

What happened? What did he do?

Because of her pregnancy,

susie was forced to drop out of school

and never fulfilled her dream

of one day becoming a secretary.

Poor susie!

You see, boys and girls,

teen pregnancy is no joke.

[Intercom] Senator, the president is on the phone.

What does that liberal wuss want today?

Good morning, Mr. President.

Senator lerman, I just finished reading a letter

from some students from your state

expressing their concern over our education system.

Uh-huh.

This is one of the most intelligent letters I've ever read.

Oh, wonderful, sir.

So I think it would be a terrific idea

to invite these students to Washington

to speak on behalf of my bill.

I want you to fly to Ohio

and give them my personal invitation.

Certainly, Mr. President.

I'll leave first thing in the morning.

I appreciate that, senator. Good day.

Good day to you...

Asshole.

"President's education care." Ha!

I appreciate you picking me up

at the train station, principal moss.

I'm very excited about the opportunity to teach.

I really think I can make a difference.

It's just a typing class, miss milford.

Stick to Mr. Bloom's curriculum,

and we'll all get along just fine.

What the fuck?

[Tires squeal]

Huh!

Mrs. Winston, what's going on?

Hello!

Why are the police here?

That's why I came out here. Ha ha!

Yes?

Senator lerman is visiting some of the students.

Which students?

D'agastino and some of his buddies.

Oh, my god!

They're with the press right now.

Where are they?

Uh...

Where are they?

Senator lerman is visiting

some of the students.

I think it's a proud day for fairmount high--

that the president has asked these fine, upstanding students

to speak on behalf of his education reform bill.

We need bright young leaders

for the future of this nation.

Who else is better to comment

on this country's educational problems

than the students themselves?

By golly, I think the president

has really hit a home run on this one.

Is this a bipartisan effort

on behalf of you and the president?

No, no. I cannot take any credit for this.

This is the president's decision.

I had nothing to do with this whatsoever.

I am only an errand boy.

Now, if that's all, ladies and gentlemen,

I will see you all in Washington.

Buy American.

Senator, one more question.

Oof!

Senator lerman, I'm principal moss.

I'm sorry I wasn't at the meeting.

I was picking somebody up.

Just make sure those kids are

down in Washington in two days.

Washington? They're going to Washington?

That's the plan.

They're speaking on behalf of the president.

Uh, may I suggest some other students?

No, sir. Those are the students who wrote the letter.

Those are the students the president wants.

And those are the students

our president is going to get.

No excuses.

You get those kids to Washington

or it's your ass. Got it?

Oh, yes, sir.

Have a nice day.

Let's go, son.

Oh, yes...

Frank hardin, please.

Frank. Lerman here.

Now, listen up, old friend.

The president has just set himself up

for a major downfall,

and I do mean major.

Now, I see this as a perfect opportunity

to make a lot of money.

Would you be interested in a little proposition?

Great. I'll call you as soon as I get to Washington.

[Siren]

[Horn honks]

You boys get off your bikes and get to class.

You boys, get going! Scat!

Assholes.

[Moss] Ha ha! I guess you're wondering

why I asked you here

in the middle of the night.

I need a...Special favor from you, Steve,

something that will be...

Our little secret.

You up to it?

What are you doing?

But I thought you--

I don't want that, you idiot!

Sorry, sir.

I need a narc on the trip to Washington.

What's in it for me?

How about meeting the president?

The president?

That would almost ensure my acceptance into Yale.

Exactly. I need you

to befriend d'agastino and his buddies

and report everything they do back to me.

You can count on me, sir.

Excellent. We have to do everything possible

to make sure nothing weird happens.

Captain's log 94237.4.

I've just received a priority communication

from star fleet command

that an alliance between the klingons and the romulans

will occur right here on earth.

Our mission--to infiltrate the klingon crew

and to kidnap the romulan leader.

Computer, scan file on klingon crew.

Computer, identify klingon leader.

Just as I thought. Ha!

Computer, identify romulan leader.

Mr. Spock, your analysis.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I agree.

We have to stop him.

Lieutenant Uhura,

accompany me to the transporter.

Mr. Spock, you have the bridge.

I told the bus company

to have him here at precisely 7:30.

[Tires squeal]

[Boy] That's-a boy.

[Girl] Is that our bus?

You guys going to Washington?

[Everyone] Yeah!

That's the driver?

[Red] Name's red, man. Sorry I'm late.

[Steve] We're never gonna make it to Washington alive.

Come on. Hop in.

[Boy] Hey, let's go.

Yeah!

[Boy] Shotgun!

Shotgun. Shotgun.

Hi. Tracy milford,

teacher and chaperon.

Well, welcome aboard. Grab a seat.

Thank you.

Hey, hold it. Hold it.

Where do you think you're going?

Getting on the bus.

You're on the wrong bus, dude.

This is the magic bus.

I'm counting on you

to stick to the schedule.

It's precisely... 8:06.

Let's get going.

Principal dickhead.

Well, let's rock-'n'-roll!

Whoo!

Whoo hoo!

Whoo!

Yeah!

Washington!

Shuttle craft to enterprise.

Opening shuttle bay doors.

Cloaking device down.

Welcome aboard, lieutenant.

Shuttle craft, disengage.

[Miss milford] Chocolate?

Uh, no, thanks. I'm driving.

No.

* to the other side *

* now I can plainly see *

* what you want is everyone and no one left for me *

* we're not through *

* we're not through *

really?

* oh, we're not through, yeah *

* and I don't need your attitude *

* I don't need no attitude *

* oh, yeah *

* when you pick on me *

* when you pick on me *

dags.

* when you pick on me, yeah *

* ha ha ha *

* I could never be you, man, I know *

* what you always hope and where you go *

* whoa! *

* I really don't like what you say about me *

* what I've got is what you want from me *

* yeah *

dags...

Um, I just saw

that psycho crossing-guard guy

in a car with lieutenant Uhura.

Sure, dude.

* whoa, I don't care what you do to me *

* 'cause I don't like you *

* can't you see **

* mama talkin' to me trying to tell me how to live *

* but I don't listen to her *

* 'cause my head is like a sieve *

hey, virus.

Hey.

Let me get your advice on something.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, sure, dags.

What do you think about Lisa Perkins?

I mean, she's looking really good, huh?

Perkins is a head case, man.

How do you know that?

I did her last year

on the math club trip.

She went totally psycho on me.

You did Lisa Perkins?

Yeah, but, you know, don't ask her.

She'll just deny it.

If I were you, I'd go for Meg.

Meg's gay.

Yeah, but if anyone can change her,

you can, dags. Yeah.

I don't think so, virus.

You know what I wanna do?

It speaks. It speaks.

I wanna do a jap.

Hey, what about Carla Morgan? I think she's half-Jewish.

Not that kind of jap.

A real jap, from China.

With silky soft skin,

almond eyes,

and long, straight blonde hair.

A blonde Japanese? Hmm.

They're a rare breed. But they're out there.

And I'm gonna find one.

[Tires squealing]

[Moss] If you all check your itineraries,

you'll see that this is the only stop

we're making between now and Washington,

so I suggest you take care

of whatever necessities come to mind.

[Virus] Like taking a whiz.

Now, I'm setting the alarm on my watch

for 10 minutes.

When this alarm goes off,

the bus will leave with or without you.

Pop quiz, hotshot--

you have 10 underage students

craving alcoholic beverages

in a store containing

your high-school principal.

What do you do?

What do you do?

Take out the principal.

[Girl] Hmm, look at this.

Hey, hey!

I want no trouble from you people.

You hear me? Behave.

Hate when I get blamed for something

before I do anything wrong.

[Owner] Hey, you two girls, what are you doing?

Move away from there. Hey! Put that down.

Hey! I do not...

You, big guy,

what are you doing with those things?

The mouse has entered the trap.

Time.

Seven minutes and counting.

[Watches beep]

Hey! What are you--

it wasn't my fault!

Yeah, yeah. Let's go.

It wasn't my fault!

Oh.

[Jiggles door handle]

Uh!

Damn it!

Ok.

In seventh grade,

my aunt Jennifer took me aside one day,

and she said, "Tracy, one day you'll grow up

"and be a teacher, and a darn good one."

And then in eighth grade--

oh, wow.

Aah!

Uh! Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Mission accomplished. Where's Reggie?

Bringing the last load.

Aah! Ooh!

Come on, Reggie! Moss is coming.

Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!

[Watch beeping]

Open the door.

I'm sorry, man.

We got a schedule to keep.

Open the door!

What's the magic word?

Open the door!

What's the magic word?

Please!

The magic word's rock-'n'-roll, man.

[Squish]

Ha ha!

Carry on.

Travis.

Yes, admiral kirk. I understand.

Travis out.

New orders from star fleet.

The klingon leader is to be terminated.

Phasers on kill, lieutenant.

Phasers on kill.

I shall put an end

to your dirty klingon ways.

Aah!

How are you going to make

my bounty burgers richer

with this education care package?

Simple.

Once this busload of retards arrives,

the president will look like such a moron

that no one in their right mind

will back his bill.

Then I introduce the senator lerman

education reform bill.

But I could give two diddlies

about education reform.

Frank, what if there was a clause

in my bill that states

that bounty burger will replace the cafeterias

in all the public schools?

Bounty burger in every school

would make me billions.

It's all outlined in here.

What's this going to cost me, lerman?

Just a meaningful donation

to my bid for the presidency.

You can look on it as an investment

in america.

* over the river and through the woods *

* to grandfather's house we go, hey! *

* the horse knows the way to carry the sleigh *

* through the white and drifting snow, ho! **

hey, dad, look!

[Tires squeal]

Afternoon. Listen,

I'm having a little car trouble.

Can you give us a lift?

Are you going to the convention?

Yes.

[Boy] So are we.

Climb in.

[Kids cheering]

[Reggie] Hey, look.

"Welcome to pennsyl..."

Hey, red, back up.

Are you all right? You look terrible.

Sometimes I get a little carsick.

I'll be fine.

Maybe we should pull over.

No. No pulling over.

I'm not going to throw us off-schedule.

Students!

Students!

Please keep the noise down to a hush.

Principal moss

is feeling very ill.

Puke! Puke! Puke! Puke!

Puke! Puke! Puke!

I'm not going to be sick,

and we're not stopping the bus.

Yeah! Puke!

Ha ha ha!

[Virus] Moss is going to puke!

I wish there was something I could do.

[Red] Here, man.

Give him one of these.

[Moss] What are they?

It's a carsick pill.

A little large, isn't it?

Yeah. Well, it's, uh...

It's a bus-sick pill.

Hey, take it man. Look, it's all natural, see?

Thank you.

Feeling better already, aren't you?

Travis to excelsior.

I have klingon vessel in sight.

Follow that bus, Mr. Sulu.

Sulu? I'm Mr. Woo.

I see--

traitors to the federation.

Gun! No!

Nobody moves.

Ok, don't shoot.

Is that a walther ppk semiautomatic?

Yes.

I'll cover mom.

Full speed ahead, traitor.

[Milford] Principal moss.

[Slapping]

Principal moss.

Principal moss!

[Reggie] Is he dead?

No, he ain't dead, man.

He's just in a coma.

What?

I guess that carsick pill's working on him.

It should, man. It's a red.

Horse tranquilizer.

But I saw you take a handful.

They don't work on me, man.

That's why they call me red.

I'm immune.

[Girl] You going to play cards?

Hey!

Moss is in a coma.

Let's party!

Whoo!

Whoo!

[Cheering]

Rock-'n'-roll!

Heroin, huh?

Insulin.

Can I, like, buy some off you?

Looks like my good qualities

are beating my bad qualities.

Shit.

Oh, hey! Hey, hey, hey.

Calm down. Calm down.

Hey, look, I think it's time

that you and I called a truce.

What do you say?

Cool.

Why don't you dump your books

and come back and party with us?

I can't.

Why not?

Nobody likes me.

That's not true.

Yes, it is.

Everybody thinks i'm a frigid head case.

Well, virus and Reggie do,

but I don't.

Look, you could prove them wrong

by coming back and partying with us.

Ok.

I can be fun.

Ha ha ha! All right.

Hey, look who's joining us.

Hi, guys.

Doesn't he look pretty?

Oh, that's much better, man.

Much better.

He's my pretty little principal.

* 22 bottles of beer on the wall *

* 22 bottles of beer *

* you take one down *

[vomits]

This is the greatest! Right, Herbert?

Yeah!

[Lisa] Dags.

Uh.

I've been thinking

about our impending relationship,

which I think is a good idea,

and as long as you don't talk too much,

you let me call the shots,

and my parents never, never, never

find out about you,

I think it could work out between us.

Uh!

Are you paying attention to me?

[Virus] * 20 bottles of beer *

[Lisa] Dags, this is serious.

* take one down pass it around *

Spock, shuttle craft has encountered

strange alien matter.

Have Chekov scan computer bank.

Wong! Proceed.

Hey, reg, man, give me a beer.

I'm getting cottonmouth.

Reg?

[Red] Aw, man.

Boy, you guys, man.

You sure don't know how to party, man.

Boy, when I was your age...

Well, we partied, man.

Well...

Talk about parties, might as well get one going.

* but I don't listen to her *

* 'cause my head is like a sieve *

[Man] Hey you at the back of the bus!

[Siren]

Tell your driver to pull over.

Pull over now!

* every day I get the cue *

aah!

* to jump on the bus 'cause it'll take me to you *

shields up.

Red alert.

Eep! Eep! Eep!

Eep! Eep!

[Kids yelling]

* thank you, driver, for getting me here *

* too much, magic bus *

aah! Aah!

* too much, magic bus *

* well, I don't want to cause no fuss *

* too much, magic bus *

* can I drive your magic bus? **

[yelling in Chinese]

Ok, ok, ok.

Red, the party's over, man.

Chill out, dude.

Red, you're making us a little nervous.

Do you think you could slow down?

Red?

[Gasp]

Red's dead!

Aah!

Aah!

We're going to die! We're going to die!

Great.

Stop the bus!

[D'agastino] Oh, it's too late.

I'm going to try and jump the water.

Stop the bus, you idiot!

All right!

Hold on, everybody!

Oh!

Aah!

Aah!

Steady as she goes.

Aah!

That's cool.

Red ruled, man! Ok?

Check it out.

This is him, in his prime and stuff.

Bye, man. I'll see you, ok?

He's the dope king, you know?

See? Red, the dope king, man?

Long live the dope king, man!

And he had the phaser, he did!

We're dredging the water now,

but there's no sign

of your Star Trek man.

We'll have to submit you

to a breathalyzer test.

I told you not to pick him up, asshole.

Come on. Come on. Gather round.

What are you people trying to do to me?

We're not even in Washington yet,

and we already have a...Fatality.

[Man] Principal moss.

What?

Is there something

I can help you with, officer?

I'll need a number and address

where I can contact you.

Yes.

Fairmount high school.

Must be quite a place.

What?

All right, everybody, back on the bus!

Go on!

[Reggie] I'm driving, ok?

Lieutenant! Lieuten--

oh, thank god. Klingon fools.

This is all my fault.

Maybe we should cancel the trip.

No, we're not canceling the trip.

I'm not going to have you people

make a fool out of me.

Now stay here, don't touch,

and don't move.

Eh!

[D'agastino] I'm out of here.

[Rings bell]

Good afternoon.

Welcome to the bradgate.

How can I help you?

Hello there, Peggy.

Hello.

Todd moss--

principal, fairmount high.

I believe you have

some reservations for us.

Fairmount high--

let me check the computer.

Fetch.

We're here to meet the president.

I'll get you some stationery.

[Reggie] Where? Where? Quit pushing.

[Crash]

[Wanda] Now look what you did.

[Steve] That's not my fault.

Sorry, principal moss.

Ha ha ha!

Dude.

[Reggie] Torture stuff.

Hah.

Check this room out.

[Miosky] Sweet!

I love it.

Do you have a screwdriver?

[Steve] This place is a dump.

Steve, this is the only vacancy

we could find.

Let's try to make the best

of the situation.

My parents will know about this.

[Reggie] Do you have a quarter?

All right, students.

The bus leaves in five minutes

for the Washington tour.

Do we have to go?

Of course, silly. It's the best part.

See you in five.

That chick needs to get laid.

Yo!

[D'agastino] What?

Check this out.

Oh!

That's disgusting.

Can he see us?

I don't think so.

Over there is the Lincoln memorial.

Over there, students, is the white house.

And over there was the Jefferson memorial.

[Reggie] This sucks.

Can't we get off the bus

just for one picture?

No!

Please.

We came all this way.

Come on. Come on. Gather round. Gather round.

Let's get this over with.

J. Edgar hoover

was director of the f.B.I.

From 1924 until his death

in 1972.

He was a great American.

He was a fascist transvestite,

and I hope he rots in hell.

Hmm.

Why can't we see Kennedy's eternal flame?

You people don't deserve Kennedy.

[Moss] Come on. Hurry up.

We haven't got all day.

Squeeze in.

Come on, come on.

Let's look as though we're having

a little bit of fun.

Turn those frowns upside-down.

Leave me alone.

[Moss] Ok, here we go. Ready?

Virus, pull my finger.

Come on.

1...2...

3!

Cheese.

Whoa.

Dude.

[Carla] What stinks?

Tour's over.

What?

I don't believe it.

They blew out hoover's flame? My god,

these kids are bigger shitheads than I thought.

[Secretary] Senator, the students

from fairmount high are here.

Send them in! I'll talk to you later.

Ah, welcome to Washington.

How's the trip been so far?

Wonderful. No problems at all.

Good, good.

So...tell me.

Have you kids given any thought

to what you might say

to the committee about education reform?

Yeah, we're going to tell them

that the education system sucks.

That's not what they mean, sir.

Why not?

I think it's great.

Now, remember.

The president invited you kids to Washington

because he wants you to tell the nation

how you really feel about school.

If you think the education system sucks dick,

then, by golly, you tell them!

Can I have your promise on that?

I promise.

Excellent! Excellent.

Excellent.

You've done a good job

with these students, principal moss.

I look forward to seeing you all tomorrow.

It's a great day for america.

Ha ha!

Quickly, quickly, quickly. Come on.

[Reggie] Can I have this?

Where are we going?

I think he gets high.

Oh! God! Yes!

Oh! Deeper! Oh! Oh!

[Knocking on door]

I checked all the rooms.

Everyone's present and accounted for.

Very good. Thank you, miss milford.

Oh, my gosh!

Lassie!

I love Lassie.

Lassie!

Lassie!

Do you mind if I watch?

All I get is pornos on my TV.

Uh...

[Dog barking]

Ok.

Ha ha ha!

Ahh...

You're on.

Candy-gram for miss milford.

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha!

Here you go, bro.

Good job.

[Wanda] Miss milford,

we've been looking for you.

We wanted you to know how cool it's been--

you showing us around Washington and everything.

Really?

So we got you some candy.

I don't know what to say.

How did you know I liked chocolate?

Because it's all you ever eat.

Well, we got to go to bed.

I'm so tired.

Bye.

I really think they're starting to respect me.

[Dog whimpering]

Ha ha ha!

[Slurring] It was so nice of the children

to buy me their little gift.

They're not so bad.

They just...

Lack a little guidance.

Mmm...

Ha ha!

Oh, god.

Ha ha ha!

[Carla] Go, milford.

[Virus] Nice.

Ha ha ha!

Very nice.

Mmm.

Todd?

Mm-hmm?

Hmm!

Can I ask you a question?

Are my breasts too small?

[Grunting]

They're...

They're-- they're...

[Gulp]

Perfect.

Are you sure?

Positive.

Miss milford, I don't think this is--

miss milford!

I hope Todd appreciates what we've done for him.

Ha ha! Let's rock!

Now, wait just a minute.

Have you considered the consequences

if principal moss finds out?

Let's go to that cool hotel.

The schedule said they're having a party.

Good idea, virus.

That's it! That does it!

You leave me no choice!

As student body president,

I'm placing you all under citizen's arrest.

You're confined to your rooms

until I get principal moss.

Miosky, take care of this guy.

[Steve] Lay one hand on me,

and I'll sue.

Principal moss!

[Chamber music playing]

[Slurping]

[Woman] It's just-- it's shocking!

[D'agastino] Bartender!

If I don't get laid tonight,

everyone's going to think I'm a loser.

By the way, have you seen those Kennedy boys?

I hear they're lots of fun.

Yeah.

[D'agastino] Bartender, hello!

[Clarinet playing]

[Reggie] Ha ha!

Good one, Herbert!

[Woman] What is that girl doing?

[Singing]

[Urrp]

This party sucks, man.

I thought Washington was supposed to be cool.

* la la la **

reg, when are you going to get off your ass

and make a play on Wanda?

Hi, sugar.

Frank hardin, c.E.O.,

bounty burger enterprise.

Would you take your hands off me?

Why don't you and me

saunter up to my room for a little party?

Get away from me, you geriatric lush!

I won't let you go till you take this key.

I can pay if you'd like.

Argh!

Hey, you all right?

I'm fine. Thanks.

You want me to kick his ass?

Get the group. I'm throwing a party.

[Cork pops]

Cool.

[Rock music blaring]

[Virus] If you're on your knees

with a tablecloth over your head,

who's going to notice?

I'm sorry.

Grrr!

Grrr!

[Ding ding]

[Crash]

Hai! Hai! Hai!

[Muttering]

Aah!

Oh...

Uh...

[Panting]

[Playing saxophone]

Grrr!

Did you ever wonder if Jason has nightmares

and if Freddy can invade his nightmares?

Aah! Aah!

Yeah.

I think about that all the time.

You do?

Uh...me, too.

Grrr!

Can, uh, I try an experiment?

Oh...

Ok.

* just don't know what's right for you *

* if you can't decide where to go with your life *

[glass shatters]

Uh, you're, um...

Pretty.

Really?

* I've always known you were incredibly *

* bright **

ok.

Grrr!

Hospital sources have no explanation

for the sudden disappearance of the mysterious man

now known as "the flamer."

He was last seen here,

captured on a home video camera running in flames

through Arlington national cemetery.

Police have been searching for the human torch,

but there are no leads at present.

From Washington, I'm Gus feely.

* I smell fish in the air *

* salt that makes me want to fly *

* on top of the sea where nothing can touch me *

* you fade hard and you can't trust me *

* turn the tide and turn the tide *

* and turn *

* turn the tide and turn the tide *

hey, virus.

Bet you never made moves like this in your chess club.

Wanna screw?

[Panting]

Excuse me.

Yeah. It was great for me too.

[Panting]

[Elevator dings]

No...come on...

[Grunting]

Banzai!

[Miosky] Ohh!

[Thump]

Help! Somebody help me!

I'm miosky.

I'm here to save you.

What happened?

Uh, I don't know.

I'm coming in, ok?

I'm scared.

Don't be. It will be all right.

Uh...

What's your name?

Du mi.

Ugh!

So...

Here we are...

Just the two of us.

First night in Washington.

Yep.

Listen, you were right

about all those things you said to me.

What things?

You know, about waking up and realizing

I've wasted my life studying.

Studying sucks.

I'm not going to do it anymore.

You're not going to study anymore?

No.

I'm not going to waste my life.

Oh, cool.

* if I get my way... *

I need to ask you for a favor.

Sure. What?

Well, I've been thinking about this.

I've decided I don't want to go to college a virgin.

Oh.

* I'll give you anything you desire *

oh!

* leavin' it up to you *

* ultrasuede, heaven-made *

* hot enough to burn your lips on *

* ultrasuede, sweetly played *

* soft enough to sink my teeth in *

* you'll see *

* I don't care where you go *

* ultrasuede *

* ultrasuede *

* I'll give you anything you desire *

* if I get my way *

* leaving it up to you **

Mission accomplished.

[Knock on door]

One second!

Ahem.

Excuse me, miss milford.

Aah! Aah!

Oh, my god! What have I done?

What about me?

Two days on the job, and I'm doing it with the boss.

I'm such a whore.

[Lerman] Moss, are you in there?

Moss!

We're dead.

Oh!

Open the door, moss!

Just a second, sir!

We're going to be late if...

We're due at the capitol,

and you're porking the math teacher?

Keyboarding teacher.

Whatever!

Don't just stand there. Get your clothes on.

Let's get going. I'll wait outside.

Yes, sir.

[Door closes]

Oh!

Students, are you up yet?

Open the door!

[Grunting]

Well?

Don't worry, sir.

I'll find them.

I gave you one thing to do,

and you screwed it up.

Not to worry, sir.

I'm sure they're around here somewhere.

It's a big city. They could be anywhere.

Oh, my god. I think I found them.

Eat this!

[Splat]

[Collar bell ringing]

[Elevator dings]

[Baa]

[Lerman] What's that?

[Moss] Goat.

This is ridiculous.

I think they're this way, sir.

This way, this way.

What?

[Lisa] It's all just a big setup.

[All talking at once]

Here they are, sir!

Well, kids, as you can see, we've all overslept.

Let's get moving. Quickly, quickly, quickly!

We're not going anywhere with senator bunghole!

Senator bunghole?

D'agastino, shut up and let's get going.

Not until you've heard the facts, principal moss.

It appears that senator lerman

has invited us to Washington

solely to embarrass the president

in order to destroy his education bill.

What?

Everything we need to prosecute is in here.

How did you get ahold of this?

That information's on a need-to-know basis.

You're out of your league, boy.

Senator, I can't believe I'm hearing this.

Oh, shut up, you little slut.

Now, wait a minute, senator.

These kids may not be the cream of the crop,

but that doesn't give you the right

to walk all over them!

And as for miss milford,

I think you owe her an apology.

Why? I don't need you.

I don't need any of you.

I'll find another way to pass my bill.

And as for you, you pitiful excuse for a principal,

you're finished at fairmount high.

In fact, I'll make sure you never work

in another school system again. Got it?

[Girl] Scumbag.

[Elevator dings]

[Sigh]

18 years of teaching down the drain.

What am I going to do?

Hey, don't worry, dude.

We'll put in a good word for you.

Sure!

Hey! We got a serious problem on our hands.

What's the matter?

The senator's got miosky.

Miosky! Don't go!

What's the hurry?

Miosky! Miosky! Up here!

Don't go with him!

Come here, man!

Stay here!

Miosky, don't go!

Come on, now, son.

We can't keep the president waiting, can we?

Don't get in the car!

Get away from him! Get out!

Don't go!

Wait!

Well, this was an interesting field trip.

What are we going to do?

Go home.

No. We can't let this happen.

If we go, we'll make the president look worse.

Like Vietnam-- no way to win.

What we need is a miracle.

Yeah, like the time the school got torched before finals.

That was us. That was us.

That was you?

[D'agastino] Yeah!

If we can stop finals,

we certainly can stop some senator.

Let's get him.

Yeah!

[Miss milford] We don't have much time. Hurry.

Hey, Todd!

Waiting on you, man.

You mean...

You want me to come with you guys

after all the rotten things I've done to you?

You're one of us now.

Yeah. Come on.

We don't have time for this.

I'm sorry.

I'm coming.

Yeah!

Let's get them!

Woo!

Oh, yes. You look just fine.

What--what are you doing?

You drive too slow.

But I want to be the driver.

You can be the timekeeper.

Let's rock-'n'-roll!

[Cheering]

Now, listen here.

You just wait until they call for you.

Make me proud, son.

Time!

Two minutes till miosky!

Turn here! It's a shortcut!

Spock, beam me up.

Spock, I'm ready now.

[Bus horn honks]

Aah!

[Crash]

About a week ago,

I received a letter from some very bright students

addressing their concerns about education reform.

As your president,

I have always taken it upon myself

to reach out to the youth of america

and hear their voice.

So without any further ado,

I present to you

the future of america.

Huh!

[Miosky snorting]

[Moss] Move it! Move it! Move it!

Hurry up! Come on, move!

This way!

[Man] Is something wrong?

Why don't we move on to some "q" and "a"?

Uh, tell me, son...

Son?

[President] Son?

[Gargling]

What do you see as the problems

afflicting our schools?

What?

Stop!

[Moss] That man is mentally challenged!

Urgh!

Who are you people?

We're the students of fairmount high!

Sorry we're late.

[Lerman] What's going on here?

Mr. Chairman, they're out of order!

Aren't those the kids

from the party last night?

Yes, they are.

We've heard from fairmount's representative!

Let us speak!

Let us speak!

[Lerman] They're out of order!

Let us speak! Let us speak!

Point of order! Point of order!

Order!

[Lerman] Remove this rabble!

Order!

I'll give you just one minute.

Uh...

Say something intelligent, ok?

Mr. President, we came here to inform you

you're the victim of deceit.

Senator lerman is using miosky to embarrass you

in order to push through

his own education reform bill.

Now, that's an out-and-out lie!

How dare you!

Mr. President, this is outrageous.

By god, I was trying to protect you

from these juvenile delinquents.

You're the delinquent!

I've barred them from these proceedings

because I have reports, Mr. President--

reports that they looted a quick-e-mart,

blew out hoover's flame, and were responsible

for the death of their bus driver.

[D'agastino] Look...

Maybe we are screwups.

We didn't even write the letter.

Lisa did, and she's an honor student.

Now, I haven't had time to read it yet,

but I bet what she wrote was really smart!

You government people need to make sure

that future generations get a good education...

So they don't wind up like us.

We're soiled, but it's not too late to save others.

[Reggie] And, uh, one final thing?

We didn't kill red.

He partied to death!

Yeah! Yeah!

[Cough]

Uh...

Come on, guys.

They're not buying it. Let's go.

[Applause growing]

Red rules!

Lerman...

I want to see you in my office this afternoon.

Mr. President--

get out of my sight!

Hey!

Never underestimate fairmount high.

Got it?

Woo! Todd!

See you! Wouldn't want to be you!

Loser!

You are a loser!

Wasn't this trip just great?

Get real! It was a nightmare.

Come on! Let's get back on the bus

before something goes wrong!

* hands are weary *

* eyes stay closed *

* livin' like thieves who break in *

* I want to see you *

* tomorrow the green grass *

* oh, my love *

* who stands by you when I call? *

* I once had a good home *

* I won't fall back on *

* don't you think kindness has an end? *

* I want to see you *

* tomorrow the green grass *

* oh, my love *

* who stands by you when I call? *

* tomorrow the green grass *

* tomorrow the green grass *

* tomorrow the green grass *

* yeah, yeah, yeah *

* tomorrow the green grass *

* tomorrow the green grass *

* tomorrow the green grass *

* green grass *

* starry maples *

* signs stay closed *

* back in my pockets all you hear *

* I want to see you *

* tomorrow the green grass *

* oh, my love *

* who stands by you when I call? *

* tomorrow the green grass *

* tomorrow the green grass *

* tomorrow the green grass *

* yeah, yeah, yeah *

* tomorrow the green grass *

* tomorrow the green grass *

* tomorrow the green grass *

* green grass *

captioning made possible by usa network

captioned by the national captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--

* tomorrow the green grass *

* tomorrow the green grass *

* tomorrow the green grass *

* yeah, yeah, yeah *

* tomorrow the green grass *

* tomorrow the green grass *

* tomorrow the green grass *

* yeah, yeah, yeah *

* yeah, yeah, yeah *

* yeah, yeah, yeah *

* yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah *

* yeah, yeah, yeah *

* yeah, yeah, yeah *

* yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah **

* sunshine *

* are you outside? *

* I am a simpleton by choice *

* not speaking to hear my voice *

* sunshine *

* why are you sleeping? *

* got to get outside *

* cover the ground on foot *

* not hitching a ride, just book *

* over the river and through the woods *

* come this far to bring you the goods *

* I get high *

* even when I don't try *

* let them pass by with a wink to the eye *

* I reserve the right to be stoned *

* I reserve the right to take a turn left unstoned *

* I have a right *

* don't try to be *

* there's really no point in you biting me *

* I'm glad to see that it's easy *

* for me to be an m.C. *

* let me tell you a little story *

* like my dog Bobby hated the poolman *

* so I tried to play Carter and makes things cool *

* and I said, "just let him smell you" *

* "hold out your hand" *

* he reached it on out, and then bam *

* he bit him, he bit him, slapped the dog hard *

* blood was steady gushin' all over my back yard *

* I kept apologizin', I felt so bad *

* the dude was so cool, didn't even get mad *

* he said, "man, don't sweat it" *

* "that's a dog's greeting" *

* took neosporin and went back to his cleaning *

* thought I had a dream, or else it was a movie *

* dreamed like a cabin joint was in like jungle boogie *

* $600 freebie and I gots no job *

* I'm washing my comb, but I got the dog *

* come take him home and water with a bone *

* want to tell my mom, "linger on the phone" *

* cherry popsicle, icy, cold, freezing *

* left it on his gums now that he is teething *

* got him Willie pads, laid them by the door *

* nasty little tickle dropped them on the floor *

* sunshine *

* are you outside? *

* I am a simpleton by choice *

* not speaking to hear my voice *

* sunshine *

* why are you sleeping? *

* got to get outside **