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NINA: I can't believe we're really here.

It's such a long way from home.

CHUCK: Wasn't that the idea?

Something wrong with yours, hon?

It's got legs.

It is squid.

It is?

(LAUGHING) How was I supposed to know calamari was squid?

Why did you order it?

I'm trying to develop more sophisticated tastes.

A big shot like you can't be married to some hick from Iowa.

You're not some hick. You're my hick.

Thanks... I think.

WAITER: Tea for the lady,

and milk for the growing boy.

Happy anniversary, Chuckles.

Happy anniversary, Nina.

Of gettin' married or just livin' together?

Neither. Actually, it's the 16th anniversary of our first phone call.

You guys celebrate everything?

Everything good.

Which is everything.

Well, good isn't good enough. It had to be great.

Come on, you can tell me the truth.

Was it sort of okay, not too awful?

It... It was fine.

Yeah, that's what I said, it was a disaster.

There were hundreds of people there.

One hundred and forty three,

including the Mayor's entire staff and the cleanup crew.

Come on, Iris, what'd you expect?

You want people to spend the last day of summer watching clog dancing?

Come on, Dad.

Why not?

(BOYS CLAMORING)

The city is a melting pot.

And we should be proud of all the different art forms that comprise our culture.

You sound like a press release.

Today is Labor Day, remember?

I just think we should focus on some of the labor struggles

our colorful neighbors have endured.

Yeah, that'll be a real crowd pleaser.

Oh, shit! Hey!

IRIS: Oh! JOHN: Asshole!

I love this car.

I think you married me for this car.

Legs first. Then mind, then car.

Maybe it was car, then mind, I don't remember.

Why did you marry me?

You're the second largest penis I've ever seen.

(LAUGHS) Okay.

"Who has the first?" he asked, begging for trouble.

A statue in the Piazza Signoria.

A statue, a statue. A sculpture? Mmm-hmm.

Very funny, very funny.

It's not fair. It's not fair. (LAUGHING)

Why? "Why?"

'Cause a sculpture could always send out for more marble.

I got to work with what I got.

Too bad.

What you've got works great for me.

Mmm.

I'm almost relaxed.

Oh, good.

I need some champagne and caviar.

Let's go to Petrossian and get drunk,

then go home and get in the hot tub.

Then I'd be totally relaxed.

Don't start, Claire. We're picking up Lucy.

Didn't we have her last week?

Yes, we did, and we're gonna have her tonight

for a few hours. That's all.

Tonight is the night before the first day of school.

I always cook her dinner.

How sweet.

It's kind of a tradition.

Yeah, hello? Yeah, hello...

Yeah. Please let me talk to Lucy.

No, no, your check is not late, Madeleine.

Today is a legal holiday. You'll get it tomorrow.

We're not gonna... Hello, baby.

Hi, sweetheart.

How's my girl?

CHUCK: Mmm, no, no, no, no. (NINA CHUCKLING)

Oh, this is kinda nice.

No. Yeah? No.

Diego hates yellow, remember?

He said it's the state color of New Jersey.

Diego... Well, it goes with everything.

We don't have anything for it to go with it.

Hey, get the one you want.

I've got to get to work so I can pay for it.

Are we so poor that I can't even have a new pair of shoes?

Your brother only wore those for three weeks.

In two weeks, you'll be telling me they're too small.

What about school jackets?

You need new jackets?

Everybody has them.

How much are they?

$150.

Geez, what a bargain. We should all get one.

Do they make 'em for dogs?

Can we just talk about this later?

Okay, now I'm gonna take a nice, cold shower.

And, oh, would you mind taking out Fenno?

I think he's gonna explode.

I'm already late.

Oh, hey, fine. Just lock him in your closet.

(KIDS CHATTERING)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Just this way, Mrs. Bishop.

We've got a wonderful bunch of kids here.

Of course, they're normal,

so we have our problems, too.

Well, that's why I'm here.

You'll be dealing with a lot of divorce.

Single parents, kids caught in the middle of grownup problems.

Here we are. Here's your new office.

Just given it a fresh coat of paint.

(CHUCKLES)

Yes, I can smell it.

It's one of my favorite smells.

Yeah, me, too. New beginnings and all that.

Yeah. All that.

Well, I'm going to let you set up housekeeping.

Thank you. Remember, my door is always open.

Thanks.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Well, I can't predict the future.

That's true. I have been right every time.

Okay, I'll put the order through.

Great. I'll talk to you after the market closes.

Hey, Chuck, buddy. Pal.

Putz. Moron.

Listen, much as I hate to do it,

I gotta thank you for that Forestal tip.

I got a lot of very happy clients.

Good. I don't mind sharing the wealth.

Good. I don't mind returning the favor.

Here. Have a look at this Merotan stuff.

Looks very interesting.

I'll give it a look.

Not plotting a coup, are we?

No. Just trying to make you more money.

Keep doin' what you're doin'.

You were number one in commissions last quarter.

And we all know how hard you pushed for that.

No pain, no gain.

I don't know. Jeremy makes it look pretty painless.

He handled that Ferenco offering without one hitch.

I had a lot of fun with that one.

Oh, come on. Fun, my ass.

You put your dick on the line when it counted.

JEREMY: Yeah. Listen, you guys, I'm late for my 11:00,

so I'll see you later, buddy.

Chuck, we had to let Dexter go.

Oh, no.

It's harder these days to get the job done,

and he wasn't cuttin' it.

But the good news is I'm gonna give his accounts to you.

Great. You won't regret it.

Better not.

George Mullaney is his heaviest hitter.

You'll meet him tonight.

Mmm-hmm. I'll be ready for him.

Enough said.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

...wants to help you. Help.

(CONTINUES SPEAKING SPANISH)

Oh, please.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Hey.

Hey, if isn't our man about town.

You know what I love about this job?

What's that?

I get to go to exotic places.

Like 942 West 142nd Street,

an address, I might add, that no longer exists.

The exercise is great.

I climbed 23 flights of condemned steps today.

You know what I'm saving on a health club?

John, you are an inspiration to us all.

You also got an appointment waiting.

Oh, shit.

WOMAN: Mr. Petrovich?

PETROVICH: Yes, yes, here, here.

Hey, Mr. Romero. How you doin'?

You tell me.

How's that kitchen job holding up?

It's bullshit. They put me on part-time.

They're screwing around with my hours

so I can't watch the kids when my wife works.

I'll call the manager again. I'll talk to him personally.

Look, I need a real job. Something with a future.

Stock options and profit sharing.

I can't raise my kids in an apartment.

We need a house with a yard.

It doesn't have to be fancy

as long as the schools are decent and the air is clean,

we'll pack up and leave tomorrow.

Do you have any jobs like that?

If I had one, I'd take it myself.

Thank you, Joy.

I can't believe I killed myself

to get back from Washington

so we could watch dirty movies, and now you're telling me...

Honey, I told you about this a million times.

It's very important to Lucy.

Is Mad Dog gonna be there?

No, she's not. She's working nights this week.

If she was gonna be there,

I wouldn't have asked you to go.

Barbara, I need some heads now.

And her name is Madeleine.

A rose is a rose.

Listen, I am up to my ass in alligators here.

You mean I have to go alone?

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

IRIS: Hi.

I'm Iris Morden. I'm president of the Parents' Association.

Hi. I'm Nina Bishop.

I'm the new school psychologist.

Oh, I thought you looked a little young to be a parent.

You look like one of the kids.

I sort of feel like one.

Not that I don't think I'm qualified or anything.

Oh, I didn't mean that.

I have two boys here. Marty and Kenny.

Seventh, eighth grades.

Those are very interesting ages.

Yes, interesting is the right choice of words.

Excuse me. Is there a pay phone around here?

The one in the lobby is out of order.

Yeah, by the nurse's office, third floor, right through those doors.

Third floor? Forget it.

Took me half an hour to find a place to pee.

I ended up in the little boys' room. Oh.

I could've traumatized some eight-year-old, but I figured, fuck it.

You gotta go, you gotta go. Right?

Absolutely. Hi. I'm Iris Morden.

I'm president of the Parents' Association.

This is Nina Bishop, our school psychologist.

Hi.

Bet you're busy in a place like this.

Oh.

I'm Claire Laurent.

Oh, I've been looking for you.

Your daughter put you down for the refreshment committee.

Daughter? Good God! Do I look like a mother?

I don't know. What do mothers look like?

What I mean to say is my husband's daughter is a student here.

What grade is she in?

I don't know.

Oh. How old is she?

Twelve or thirteen. She's a walking mass of raging hormones.

But then, aren't we all?

Well, I have just the spot

to put those raging hormones to good use.

We need all the help we can get.

CLAIRE: Help with what? I'm sorry.

I don't quite understand. I'm kind of filling in here.

Oh, I'm talking about the Rainbow Festival.

The school pageant. This year we're doing a kind of '60s theme.

Okay, committees. Now...

Refreshment committee, poster committee,

program committee, decorations committee.

I'll do decorations.

Oh, great. That's my committee.

School committees are not my thing.

I do my best work in the board room.

And the bedroom.

Well, it is a school tradition.

Fine. My husband will do it.

Husbands and wives, it's a rule.

You don't understand. I'm only the stepmother.

Oh, stepparents count.

If we didn't count stepparents,

we'd have like, maybe, four people show up.

I'll put you down on the decorations committee with us.

Don't worry about it, really. It's fun.

Besides, it's months away.

Months away? I haven't the faintest fucking idea what I'll be doing then.

I'm sure you can fit it in.

And we should meet maybe next Tuesday?

Here maybe?

Well, no. Why don't you come to my house?

And I'll cook supper and we'll have a meeting there.

Husbands, too.

Don't put yourself out.

That sounds great. See you then.

It'll be great.

George Mullaney has more money than God,

but he's tighter than a duck's ass.

Hi. Hi, Sharon.

This is major, Bishop. Don't fuck it up.

Hey, George, I am so glad that you could make it.

I told you about Chuck Bishop, our new V.P.

It's good to meet you, Mr. Mullaney.

So, you're the latest lion-tamer.

(LAUGHS)

Well, I am fearless, if that's what you mean.

JEREMY: Hey.

I just got off the phone with the Japs. Bam!

They went for it.

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't believe we've met.

I'm Jeremy Brimfield, young stud.

I'm George Mullaney, old fart.

(MEN LAUGHING)

I will never be as smooth as Jeremy.

He always says the right thing.

He always dresses perfectly.

Who cares?

He's just a lot of hot air.

You're too hard on yourself.

You need a diversion.

I don't have time for a diversion.

You do on Tuesday at 7:30.

We're having a dinner party.

For who?

I met some people at the meeting tonight.

We're doing a school pageant together.

Honey! Honey, I can't.

I just can't. I have too much work to do.

Well, I already invited them.

Well...

Besides, I came here.

It's only fair that we entertain for my job.

You're right.

It'll be fun.

Oh, yeah, it'll be a blast.

An evening with a bunch of people I don't even know.

We don't even know these people.

I told you, she's the new school psychologist

and the other couple are parents. Well, at least he is.

Do I have to wear a tie?

You can go stark naked for all I care.

Why are you being so difficult?

Because I hate small talk.

I'd rather stay home and read a good book.

We never go anywhere.

All our friends have left the city. It's so boring.

I'm not bored.

Okay.

Say, "Thank you, Mother dear." And eat your breakfast.

"Thank you, Mother dear. And eat your breakfast."

(GASPS) (MIMICKING KENNY)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Scrambled eggs and toast, Marty. Pancakes are on the way.

What have you done to your hair?

Nothing.

Then we must have an electromagnetic field in our hallway

because your hair is standing on end.

I wore love beads.

Well, then, let him wear love beads.

It's my hair.

The punk movement glamorizes violence,

and this is a nonviolent household.

Doesn't sound very nonviolent to me.

I don't complain about your hairdo.

There is nothing wrong with my hairdo.

(LAUGHING) Yeah, right.

(ALL LAUGHING)

What? Please.

Oh, I feel so fatherly.

Dinner with school leaders.

Lucy's going to love this.

I didn't love her volunteering me for that stupid committee.

Those women are not exactly my type.

(MOANING)

You sure I can't talk you into a romantic evening at home, alone?

It's only going to be for a couple of hours. How bad can it be?

So you're from Iowa?

Uh, Iowa.

What's it like in Iowa?

Oh, it's...

(CHUCKLING) It's nice.

It's very small...

And it's friendly.

And it's very...

It's very...

Iowan?

(GIGGLES NERVOUSLY) Yeah, I guess.

Hmm.

You know, a lot of people think Iowa is

more, you know... It's further west than it actually is.

Right. That's true.

Oh?

I can't tell you how grateful I am

that you've allowed us to use your apartment for this meeting.

Oh, yeah. This is a real treat.

Oh, yes. Real.

NINA: So, Leo, what do you do?

LEO: Me? I manufacture toys.

Warm, cuddly ones.

Just like the owner.

Good old-fashioned American dolls.

We make them in Taiwan.

(LAUGHING)

I'm sorry we don't have more furniture.

We've got a lot of stuff on order.

The table and the chairs are a loan from our decorator.

Oh, who are you using?

Diego Carrera.

I hear he's very high concept.

Would you call our decorating low concept?

I call it eclectic.

Chuck, did you know Claire's in banking, too?

Oh, really? I'm in stock portfolios. Bonds and...

Who do you work for?

Arthur Everson. Arthur?

Do you know him?

Of course.

Is he still married to that bitch with the lousy nose job?

(JOHN LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

So, John, what do you do?

I'm in welfare.

NINA: Oh.

(BELL DINGS)

Oh, my cheese puffs!

I'll just be back in a second.

I'll... Excuse me.

Cheese puffs.

Hmm.

This is a disaster. Whoo!

I had more fun when I had my wisdom teeth out.

No, no, then you had laughing gas.

(CHUCKLING) Stop it!

Maybe Diego should put in a trap door.

Maybe they'll just go away.

Chuck!

Chuck, go play host.

(CAR ALARM BLARING)

Oh, God! Oh, God, don't you hate that?

Welcome to the '90s.

Boy, I mean, how inconsiderate can you get?

I mean, some guy wakes up the entire neighborhood

trying to protect a stupid car.

Is it ours, honey?

No, I don't think so.

CHUCK: Cheese puffs.

Cheese puffs.

Watch your fingers. They're hot.

(BLARING STOPS)

LEO: Boy, you guys have a heck of a view here.

Mmm. Those must be the 1,000 points of light I've heard so much about.

Yeah, it's really spectacular.

It looks like a light show out of the '60s, doesn't it?

I don't know.

I'm not exactly an expert on the '60s.

NINA: Yeah, we were born in '66.

IRIS: You were born in '66?

Yeah, so we don't remember a whole lot.

God! I remember everything.

Unfortunately, so do I.

Cheese puff? No. No, thanks.

Cholesterol.

(CLAIRE COUGHS)

I just immediately assume that anyone that was even alive in the '60s

went to Woodstock and wore love beads.

Oh, John went to Woodstock.

Really?

Did you really? Were you there?

I was there, yeah.

My mother wouldn't allow me to go.

She didn't think there would be enough toilets.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Your mom was right.

Well, I have a Jimi Hendrix album. Does that count?

CLAIRE: You do? Jimi always counts.

He was great. Janis, Joe Cocker.

Yeah, but the best group of the '60s by far,

very obscure, urban shit kickers,

Willy and the Saddlesores.

John. You're kidding.

CHUCK: Willy and the Saddlesores?

Very much an anti-war slant.

John.

Willy and the Saddlesores?

♪ I wish the bombs were cow dung Frisbees

♪ I wish the bullets were made of straw

♪ I wish soldiers trained on whiskey

LEO: ♪ And war was against the law ♪ Against the law

♪ So put out my "do not disturb" sign

♪ Put my boots beside my bed

♪ Wake me when it's over

♪ Ain't no sleepin' when you're dead ♪ When you're dead

BOTH: ♪ So when the old mother lovers on the earth

♪ Fight their battles on their own

♪ And we'll all party for all we're worth

♪ Flipping Nixon the big old bone ♪

BOTH: Yes!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Tricky Dicks. '68, '69. Queens Boulevard.

Unbelievable! You were there?

Do you... The waitress. I know what you were...

The waitress. The waitress. The waitress.

Yeah. Hair down to here.

With the tattoo. With the tattoo.

What did the tattoo say? What was her name?

What did it say on the tattoo? What was it?

"I take no prisoners."

She's right. You're right.

You knew her?

We didn't exactly meet.

(CHUCKLING) I knew her.

(BOTH WHISPERING)

Those... Those days are long gone now, I tell you.

You know, it's time... You gotta get past, you know...

Tattoos?

Tattoos and, you know...

You grow up. I grew up. I got a job.

Makin' toys. Makin' toys, yeah. That's right.

Keeping in mind that our theme is the '60s,

let's start with decorations.

Yeah, I could use some suggestions.

Claire? Okay.

Any suggestions?

Come on.

Okay, what do we do... We decorate the auditorium

with, what, like war protest signs?

That's a colorful idea.

War pro... I mean...

Yeah.

What about... Why the worst times?

Why don't we... Why not the best?

Best day of the '60s.

Best day of the '60s. No contest.

October 16, 1969.

Bottom of the ninth, Davey Johnson batting for the Orioles.

Baseball. Baseball.

He lines one to left. He lines one...

MEN: Back, back, back, back, back, back, back.

No, no, no, no, Cleon Jones is under it!

MEN: And the Mets have won the World Series!

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

Time out, time out.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

I got a piece of baseball trivia for you.

Okay, which famous world leader

once tried out for the Washington Senators?

George Bush.

Wrong.

Uh... Eisenhower.

Eisenhower.

No, I did not say it had to be an American leader.

Fidel Castro.

Fidel... LEO: That's right.

Is she right? That is right.

No! How did you know that? On the nosey.

Very good.

NINA: You're kidding. That's right?

Yeah. I still have a few tricks up my sleeve.

Well, back to business.

Yeah. Great idea.

I hate to bring it up.

I'm sure you're wondering.

Can I... I just wanna go check the score. No.

I know. I'm not gonna watch.

I'm just gonna... Look at the score.

Okay. Bye. See you tomorrow.

The Mets are... The Mets are a half game out.

Where are you going? (STUTTERING) It's right here.

IRIS: John? CHUCK: They got a man on second.

(COMMENTATOR CHATTERING ON TV)

Oh, work with me, John.

I'm workin' with you.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Well, meeting adjourned.

What is this? Some weird genetic encoding.

They get the baseball, we get the dishes?

(CHUCKLING) Yeah. Oh, what's the worst day of the year?

Super Bowl Sunday.

Right.

Or World Series...

LEO: Two weeks from today, our house.

CLAIRE: (SHOUTING) He'll do the cooking!

Fine with me.

Great.

LUCY: Bye! CLAIRE: Bye!

Hold it, sweetheart. I want to go up with you.

I want to talk to your mother.

She's not home.

(STUTTERING) What do you mean she's not?

You're walking into an empty apartment?

I do every day.

Oh, you do, do you? Yes.

Well, why didn't you tell me? I really...

Speak of the devil.

Okay, sweetheart.

You wait here. I want to talk to your mother, okay?

Then talk to her.

Madeleine. What do you want, Leo?

Madeleine, I was hoping that maybe we could switch weekends.

Oh, Leo! Come on, I have a business thing.

A business thing?

What million-dollar scheme is it this time?

A talking jump-rope, a battery-operated hula-hoop?

Madeleine... Lucy, would you go upstairs please?

MADELEINE: Lucy, do whatever you want.

You think you can be a father at your convenience.

Well, it's not that easy, Leo.

Look, I'm doing the best that I can, okay?

I love this kid more than I love breathing.

So, don't you even insinuate that I'm not a good father, okay?

Your child was about to walk into an empty apartment.

Lucy, go upstairs. No, you stay right here.

I've bust my ass providing for everything my child needs.

Like tuition to that fancy private school.

Like tuition to that fancy private school.

That's right. It's the best school in the city.

But, you can't afford it, Leo!

Who are you trying to impress?

Some rich bitch socialite princess?

LEO: I'm not trying to impress anybody, okay?

What I really want to give her, I cannot.

Which is a mother and a father in love

living under the same roof.

So, I buy her things instead, okay?

Your jealousy is quite unbecoming.

Jealousy? Yes.

Is that what you think this is? Yes.

Try anger.

Try rage. Try disgust.

Come on, Lucy. Lucy...

Congratulate me.

Everson's sending me to close the London deal.

How come you're going?

Come on, Chuck, buddy, pal.

You have got to scrape the cow dung off your shoes

and get with the program.

Aardvark.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Charles Bishop for George Mullaney, please.

Mr. Mullaney, it's Chuck Bishop.

(LAUGHING)

Right, the new lion-tamer.

Mr. Mullaney, how's about we make some money together today?

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Come in.

Miss Foster sent me here because she hates me.

Did she... Did she say that?

She didn't have to. I can tell.

How can you tell?

Because she treats me like my bitch stepmother.

How... How's that?

(SIGHS)

She treats me like I'm not even there.

Or like I'm only there when it's convenient for her.

Like I'm a dog or something.

How do you treat your stepmother?

I don't treat her like anything. I hate her.

Right. That makes sense.

What does your father think about all that?

He thinks it's just a stage I'm going through.

I guess he just can't admit this is actually my personality.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(CHUCKLING)

MAN: New York City Events. Yeah.

IRIS: Yeah. Well, Frankie, that's all very well and good.

But I have to get those bleachers down by Tuesday,

because they got to be up in Staten Island by Wednesday.

Yeah?

Can't you get someone to donate a truck or something?

Okay, all right. Now, look, I'll see what I can do. Okay?

I'll call you back. Bye.

Read it and weep.

No six months' reviews.

No raises.

No bonuses? Oh, God.

Sorry, bubeleh.

Our neighbors would rather have air-conditioned subways.

What about the quality of life?

I mean, where would the city be

without its theaters, its ballets, its museums.

Hey, hey, hey, you don't have to convince me.

But you can't get blood from a turnip.

IRIS: John, we've talked about this.

We've agreed that the most valuable investment we can make

is in the education of our children.

Bullshit.

You're fooling yourself, Iris.

You can't get blood from a stone.

Yeah? Well, you can't get it from a turnip either.

We're at the end of the line here.

I think we should discuss tuition.

That is not negotiable.

Well, lots of kids go to public school.

Yeah, well, lots of kids have hand guns, too.

(EXHALES)

You're sounding very elitist.

Whatever happened to changing the system from within?

That was for us. We're talking about our children here.

Well, maybe our children should have a more realistic view

of life in the big city.

I'm innocent! Do you hear?

I'm old Pop Corn!

I... I'm a Colonel. You can't do this to me!

IRIS: John, even you have to admit

that Brampton has the best science department in the city.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Hear they got the best athletic fields, too. Yeah.

So, boys, how's school today?

BOTH: Okay.

Yeah? Well, what are you studying now?

Mot much.

(SIGHS) Could you be a little more specific?

I think if you really think hard enough...

Well, in history class, we're studying the '60s.

You're studying the '60s in history?

You mean I'm that old?

Well, I told my teacher that you were at Woodstock. She freaked out.

You were like a total hippie, right, Dad?

Oh, total.

George Washington and I used to hang around the village together.

God, you remember the Fillmore? I wish they'd reopen it.

Hey, your mother was a hippie, too.

Did you guys ever drop acid?

Never.

We never took drugs in our lives.

What a pretty neighborhood.

CHUCK: Claire can afford the best.

NINA: Hmm.

There's John and Iris.

(RINGS DOORBELL)

Hey!

You beat us.

We already tried downstairs.

So, now we're gonna try upstairs.

Hello.

You must be Leo's daughter.

CLAIRE: Lucy dear, bring our guests inside.

Hi. Hi.

This is lovely.

JOHN: Sure isn't rent-controlled.

LEO: Hello.

Hi. Hi.

Hello. How are you? Hi.

Welcome, welcome. Hi.

Ah-ha, the guest of honor.

It's rhubarb custard. I hope it goes.

CLAIRE: Come in, everybody.

It goes with everything. Don't worry about it.

Lucy, you wanna lead the way?

Did everybody meet Lucy, my daughter?

This is John and Iris Morden. JOHN: Hi, Lucy.

And that's Chuck and Nina Bishop.

You know Nina works at your school?

Um, no.

There you are. Welcome. Welcome, everyone.

Lucy love, take the pie to the kitchen.

Come in, come in.

Oh.

I didn't know they had fireplaces in New York.

This barn has seven. That's why I bought it.

I was going for chateau.

But next time.

I think I'll have to have a penthouse on the river, all black and white.

You know, Fred Astaire meets Aubrey Beardsley.

How could you ever leave this place? Really.

I'm not married to it.

It's just a place to hang your hat.

I hope everybody is hungry.

The round ones are lobster

and the triangles are crabmeat.

Oh, I haven't had lobster in ages. Thank you.

Leo, you're brilliant. This is great.

Mmm. You've got real talent, Leo.

Oh. Sorry.

Oh, I helped, too, didn't I, honey?

I minced, I chopped.

And you whisked.

You're a wizard with a whisk.

Yes, well, it is all in the wrist.

(CHUCKLING)

(MEN LAUGHING)

Um, what is this?

Oh, that's potato koogla.

Kugel.

Kugel.

Leo's mother's giving me cooking lessons.

But, everyone, please, let's sit down.

We have two Italian wines.

I like the white, but Leo thinks it tastes like piss,

so there's red, too.

Lucy darling, come sit by me.

I'm not hungry.

LEO: You're not hungry? I made all your favorites.

You're not getting sick, are you?

Um, yeah, I am.

My stomach hurts and...

Maybe you should go lay down. Okay!

Wanna go upstairs? Lucy.

I'll be up in a minute to tuck you in.

Lucy. Say good night to everybody.

Good night, everybody.

Good night. ALL: Good night.

JOHN: Good night.

She's adorable, Leo. She looks just like you.

Thank you.

She's his pride and joy. She's a delight.

It's nice you get along so well.

This is a great fabric, Claire. Yeah.

How did you ever decide?

Diego sends Nina 20 swatches a day.

None of them look like this. No.

Just don't get anything nubby.

Nubby.

CLAIRE: Nothing nubby.

(ALL LAUGHING)

No, seriously, I met Claire crossing the street.

Seriously. He was crossing the street. I was in my car.

And I almost ran over him.

My divorce papers came through that day, you know.

Not that I wasn't happy.

It's just... It was kind of, you know...

An emotional day for me.

So, here's this very attractive man in a well-cut suit,

crossing the street crying. He didn't see the light.

I slammed my brakes on so hard, my airbag went off.

Yeah.

(LAUGHING)

So, I hear these brakes squeal, I look up.

For a split second, I see this Shiksa goddess in the car.

The next thing I know, there's a big balloon in front of her.

You pulled the car over.

I was shaking, he was crying. You know...

But here's the most amazing thing.

There was a parking meter right there.

Do you believe that?

In New York. Oh.

LEO: A sign from God.

So, we went, we had a drink to settle our nerves.

So, we got married.

And then we got married. What else do you do?

Well, sort of, you know.

Well, we found a parking spot together. First, yeah.

First, we got the parking spot. So, yeah.

So, I marry anybody that, you know, had a parking spot.

Yeah.

We met in a barn. No.

Call of the wild? (HOWLS)

It was in 4-H camp. Yeah.

Well, they start early in Iowa.

Well, yeah. Technically, we did have our first date

when we were eight years old. Eight years old.

I assume you didn't go all the way.

(LAUGHING) Hardly.

I didn't even like him then. Mmm-hmm.

He thought he was so cool.

I had a crush on her.

I called you Stuck-up Chuck.

Oh, you didn't pull any punches, did you?

The kids used to hang around this barn at 4-H camp.

And we'd walk down there and...

(WHISPERING) You're not gonna tell them. Don't.

We'd watch and we'd wait for the animals to do it.

Don't! Oh, God! Isn't it true?

Amazing.

And then we started dating.

That's a great story.

Gross.

How'd you guys meet? BOTH: Yeah, how'd you meet?

No. No.

Come on, come on. Yeah.

Well... Hey... John and I met in jail.

What?

(JOHN AND IRIS LAUGHING)

End of story.

No, come on, we have to tell 'em.

After all, they told us.

Well, see, there was this student protest going on.

Hey.

Skip the gory details, will you?

Well, I mean, it's the truth. It's the truth.

So, anyway, I go down there and it's a great place.

You can meet other people and end the war at the same time.

And I happened to be in the right place at the right time.

Yeah, paddy wagon.

(PHONE RINGING)

Oh, I'll get it, honey.

Saved by the bell.

Sounds romantic. It was.

Tear gassed together and everything.

Will you stop it?

He hates it when I tell this story.

Leo, it's Mad Dog.

Mad Dog? LEO: Tell her I'll call her back.

CLAIRE: No.

Excuse me.

Ease up, Claire.

I won't ease up.

She has the telephone etiquette of a mad dog.

Lucy's wonderful, but her mother's impossible.

She calls, I say "hello."

She says, "Is he there?"

Like I don't exist or like I'm a servant or something.

Red or white?

I'll stick with the piss.

(LAUGHS)

(SIGHS)

I hope you told her to get a B-12 shot.

She doesn't play doctor as well as you do.

(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

NINA: You know what?

We haven't even talked about the festival.

Don't you think we should talk about the festival? Oh, honey.

Absolutely right. No, just relax.

Will you relax? No, we have to get some work done.

Why don't we just get together next week?

Yeah, that would be okay.

Oh, great. Great.

Next week, same time, your place.

IRIS: We only have one bathroom.

And our furniture, it's so nubby.

JOHN: You're right, you really should redecorate.

Let's see. Claire and Leo did chateau.

Yeah. I know! Let's do ski lodge!

Very, very funny.

We'll bring in artificial snow. It'll be fabulous.

Oh, God, that couch of ours is 15 years old!

It keeps my butt off the floor when I watch the news, Iris.

You can't ask for more than that.

You know, sometimes I just think you enjoy torturing me!

You're torturing yourself!

Cancel the damn dinner already.

We got enough mouths to feed.

Will you stop playing devil's advocate?

For once just be my advocate.

I just want them to like us.

Who cares if they like us? You're being neurotic.

Oh, well, if I'm neurotic, you're antisocial.

I'd say that describes us perfectly.

Oh, please, I don't want to hear anymore.

I just don't want to talk to you anymore.

I don't care. I'm antisocial, remember?

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

What the hell were you doing at my father's house?

Lucy, I'm sorry.

I had no idea Leo and Claire were your parents.

Leo's my father! Claire isn't anything!

She doesn't care about me.

You saw what a bitch she is.

I saw two people having a hard time relating to each other.

Two people?

(SIGHS) You mean you think it's my fault.

No.

You know, people can't always react the way you want them to

or need them to.

Sometimes they get busy or distracted

and you need to make a special effort.

You gotta try a little to make a difference.

Forget it.

Lucy, nobody's perfect.

Look, maybe you could help Claire.

Yeah, think of something that the two of you could do together.

Something fun, you know.

Something you'd enjoy, too.

Can you think of anything?

I don't know.

Try meeting her halfway.

She might surprise you.

Okay?

Okay, Lucy, what do you say?

What do you wanna do tonight?

I have a fabulous idea, okay?

We get all dressed up, go to some really fancy restaurant

and just order desserts for dinner.

Oh, that's all I need.

Well, what about this?

We eat a lot of desserts

and then make ourselves throw up.

Ooh! That's a good idea!

I like that. I've got it.

Let's go roller-skating.

There's that new place down in Soho.

It's a private club, but I'm sure I can get us in.

Doesn't open till 11:00 though.

I hate roller-skating.

Okay, how about we just go home, huh?

Good movie on the tube tonight.

Fine.

If you two are hungry, why don't you order something?

I'll just make an espresso.

Lucy, the sleeves on this are a little short.

Would you like to have it?

I hate red. Only tramps wear red.

Then why don't you give it to your mother?

Why don't you give it to your maid?

She's a Communist. She doesn't wear leather.

Showtime, 90 seconds.

I'll call the couch.

You coming?

Any other child would kill to have that jacket.

And would be thrilled to go roller-skating.

I can't reach her.

And she's got you in the palm of her hand.

She's 13 years old.

I want 5,000 at three-quarters. No!

No, the bid's at five-eights, seven-eights.

I... I want it.

(KNOCK AT DOOR) Great.

Charles Bishop?

Yes, sir. What can I do for you?

You can come with us. You're under arrest.

Stand up, please, Mr. Bishop.

Leo!

What? Look at this.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Yes, I've seen it. I haven't read it yet.

Oh, it says here he was taken away in handcuffs.

Thank God he's out on bail.

What did they get him on?

Stock parking. Stock parking?

Stock parking. You're kidding!

It says he masterminded the whole thing.

Listen, I can't listen to both of you. He was buying back stock.

I'll call you right back as soon as I've read it.

Oh, okay, okay. Listen, I'm gonna call Nina.

Okay? Bye.

(GRUNTS)

It's busy.

Why don't you eat your breakfast and forget about it?

Chuck is led away in chains, you want me to forget about it?

That's what happens when you break the law.

You mean you think he's guilty?

I didn't say that. I haven't heard all the evidence yet.

Oh, well, what are you, Oliver Wendell Holmes?

I believe in due process of law.

Oh, yeah? Well, I believe in standing by your friends.

You hardly know the man.

Yeah? Well, I know all I need to know.

(DIALING)

(GRUNTS)

Terrible picture of Nina. Talk about yellow journalism.

(SIGHS)

Think he did it?

Oh, I don't know, Leo. We all have our price.

And it's usually not too high.

The price you pay for stock parking is high.

Bishop could receive heavy fines and imprisonment

for violating the SEC's rules

that a purchase of over five percent of a company must be disclosed.

The defendant is charged with organizing a network of...

Why are they picking on you? You haven't even been convicted yet.

Do you think I'm capable of committing a crime?

Oh, no, sweetie, no.

But they do.

(MUFFLED) Oh, my God! It's on TV!

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way.

All I meant was you have to remain calm.

(RINGS) (GROANS)

Leave us alone!

Oh, Nina. Oh, come on.

Honey, you just must be going through hell, you poor thing!

Oh, you could say that, yeah.

Well, oh, listen, I just called to say is there anything we could do?

I mean anything at all. I mean we're all in this together.

Thanks, I appreciate it. But I've got to go.

Oh, no. I understand. Now I want you to call me anytime. I mean it.

Four o'clock in the morning, wake me up, I don't care.

I do.

Okay, well, bye.

(SIGHS) She feels sorry for me.

I hate it when people feel sorry for me.

Jesus. What if he is guilty?

(VIDEO GAME BLEEPING)

Okay, now. What?

This... Okay, you're gonna go to work...

(PHONE RINGING)

I'm not gonna go to work.

You're gonna go to work and I'm...

I mean, by the time you get home from work

I'm gonna have this whole mess straightened out.

(RINGING CONTINUES)

Hi.

Mr. Carrera wants us to pick up six chairs and a table.

(STUTTERS)

Excuse me. There must be a mistake.

I'm just gonna call him, okay?

Uh, hello. Diego Carrera, please.

This is Nina Bishop.

Yes, Mrs. Charles Bishop.

I need to talk to him. It's really important.

I got his signature. I just need yours. Here.

They're taking my furniture.

Oh. Thanks a lot.

(SIGHING)

Hey, have a nice day.

Thank you.

CHUCK: Jeremy!

Hey, hey. Jeremy.

What's going on? I can't even get Petersen on the phone.

Under advice of counsel, I am unable to discuss the case.

You gave me that tip.

I gave you dozens of tips.

But I never told you to break the law.

You did that on your own.

I didn't. Come on, Jeremy, just talk to me.

I'm trying to figure this out.

Jeremy!

I thought we were friends.

(SCOFFS) Guys like you, you don't need friends. You need lawyers.

I had a client who did the same thing you did.

We'll plea-bargain down to a lesser charge. Maybe a fine.

(LAUGHING) Wait a second.

I didn't do anything.

Of course you didn't.

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

MAN: No, band practice is downstairs today.

Band practice is downstairs.

Thought we had an appointment last week.

Look, your advice sucks.

I tried to be nice to Claire, but she wasn't interested.

How'd that make you feel?

Oh, cut the shrink crap.

Why can't you admit that sometimes it doesn't matter how hard you try?

Some people just aren't worth it.

I need a $25,000 retainer, and I can guarantee you never go to trial.

(SIGHS) No, I want to go to trial.

I'm not afraid to go to trial.

Look, Charles... Can I call you Charlie?

I wish you wouldn't.

Mom, I'm starving.

Did you empty the wastebaskets?

You owe me 50 cents, but I think I deserve a cost of living raise.

Absolutely. You'll get one when I get one.

What's with the furniture?

Yeah, well, I thought it made the room look bigger.

Yeah, for a second there, I thought I was in the astrodome.

Mom? Yeah.

When are we gonna eat?

Well, you guys can eat now.

Your father and I are having a dinner party.

Oh, shit, that's tonight? Can't we get out of it?

They're our friends. We can't get out of it.

What friends?

Actually, you sort of know one couple.

Their daughter, well, his daughter goes to Brampton.

Her name is Lucy Rothenberg.

Lucy Rothenberg is coming here tonight?

Oh, so you do know her.

Know her? He loves her.

I do not. I hate her guts. She's a total bitch.

Hey, watch that vocabulary.

Well, she's not coming, her father is. Here, give me a hand with this.

What if her father sees this place?

Then he'll know we're poor. My life is ruined.

Trust me. Your life will get much worse.

In last year's spelling bee, I finished in third place,

and I'm also interested in political sciences

like my father was before me.

I'm named after Martin Luther King, Jr.

And my brother Kenny, he was named after the Kennedys in general.

Don't you guys have homework to do? Come on, let's go.

Come on. Dad, come on.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

How's Chuck holding up?

Oh, he's fine.

He's really fine.

We're fine. We're really fine.

Is there anything I can do?

Oh, check on what's burning.

Something in the kitchen... What?

(GASPS) Oh, excuse me. Oh, my goodness. John!

John! What the hell is it?

I know you didn't do it, Chuck. I didn't do it.

I know you didn't. You know I didn't?

Yes, I do. How do you know that?

Because you told me you didn't do it.

No, I knew you didn't do it

before you told me you didn't do it.

You did? Yes, I did.

I didn't do it. I know you didn't, Chuck.

Thank you. Thank you for knowing that.

Geez, he looks like shit.

What'd you expect him to look like?

Bad, but not like shit.

Nina doesn't look so hot herself.

She looks bad, but not like shit. He looks like shit.

What you really need, what you really need is a good lawyer.

(SIGHING) Good lawyer? Now, that's an oxymoron for you.

I didn't do it, John.

I know you didn't. I didn't do it.

I know you didn't do it.

He didn't do it.

I know.

I hope you don't mind my asking.

But are you guys okay for money?

Sure.

Because if I can help...

(CHUCKLES)

Don't cry.

I won't.

Don't cry.

I won't.

(CRYING)

Too late.

I'm sorry.

I guess I'd make these offers more often

if people didn't keep going wet on me.

Thanks.

Silly.

So what do you think?

Did he do it?

I don't know. What do you think?

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

I think maybe.

I think maybe, too.

...that they can get you off.

Right. Yeah.

(CHATTERING CONTINUES)

The important thing is not to give up.

Well, I'm trying not to.

You guys have all been so wonderful.

Helpful and supportive.

Oh, come on. What are friends for?

JOHN: Very original, Iris.

Oh, God, she's gonna cry again.

(SIGHS) I am not.

It's moments like these when I really miss the '60s.

This is a perfect time for recreational drugs.

Hmm?

CHUCK: (CHUCKLES) I smoked pot once in my life.

I heaved all over my friend Eddie.

Well, drugs are an escape you don't need.

As long as you have a good lawyer.

Ah! I don't think there is such a thing.

What about Sol Chamberlain?

Forget it. Who's Sol Chamberlain?

He's a brilliant lawyer who happens to be a very dear friend of ours.

Who we haven't seen for years!

IRIS: Well, he's a brilliant lawyer!

Yeah, he defends the oppressed.

Widows and orphans.

Yuppies rights aren't exactly Sol's cup of tea.

I thought we were all created equal.

Chuck's right. Yuppies are people, too.

Well, put that on a T-shirt, Iris.

They'll sell like hotcakes down on Wall Street.

Be cool, John.

Here's his number.

Everybody's innocent. Innocence isn't worth shit.

What matters is who the judge is.

If he's getting laid,

if he's got hemorrhoids from sitting in that hard chair all these years,

a lot of variables.

But that's not fair.

You vote for Reagan?

Yes, sir. He had a very strong foreign policy,

created a healthy economy.

Oh.

Look, the point is, I haven't broken any laws.

There's a difference between the law and justice.

A guy doesn't pay his rent.

He gets evicted.

That's the law.

But if he didn't pay his rent

because he doesn't have the education to get a decent job

so that he could earn the money,

or didn't have a family where there was a role model

to give him that self-esteem that he needs to just function in this society.

Is that justice?

Look, are you gonna represent me or not?

They're gonna audit your taxes.

They're gonna go over your credit cards.

They're gonna examine your phone bill.

They're gonna subpoena your high school yearbook

to see if you've got any subversive autographs.

No, that's all fine.

But you believe I'm not guilty.

Mr. Bishop, if you were smart enough to be guilty,

you sure as hell wouldn't hire me.

I'm glad that Mr. Chamberlain's nice.

I don't want a nice lawyer, honey. I want a nice dentist.

But mean lawyers are too expensive. Even this guy's not free.

Well, Daddy always said you gotta spend money to make money.

That's great, honey. Your father never made a penny in his life.

(EXHALING) I know.

Speaking of money.

(HESITANTLY) I was thinking that

until we get this whole mess straightened out,

that I should start seeing private patients.

(SIGHS)

I put my name on a referral list and I've...

I've already got some calls.

I don't want you working overtime.

Chuck, we can hardly pay the electric bill.

I've already cut back as much as I can on groceries and dry-cleaning.

Anyway, kind of nice to have my own private patients here.

Here? Nina, look at this place. You can't have people here.

Iris is gonna help me fix it up.

IRIS: Where? NINA: Right here.

Right here? Right here.

Right here? Yes.

Ugh!

Iris! Iris!

Iris! Oh, be careful.

You see anything good?

A door.

A door?

What do we need a door for?

Your desk.

All we need now is a couple of sawhorses.

Look at her. She thinks she's in Bloomingdale's.

Ah!

Thanks, guys.

Take care, ma'am.

(LAUGHING) You crazy driver.

(CLAIRE HOOTS)

I dated a construction worker once.

Yeah? Yeah.

(GIGGLES)

He had these fabulously tanned arms.

But when he took his T-shirt off, he was pure white.

Fortunately, his purity ended there.

(CHUCKLES) I can't imagine you with a construction worker.

Well, that was during my experimental phase.

(SIGHING) I was just out of grad school. I had a few bucks.

It was like there was no limit to what you could do.

Everything was freer, exciting, full of possibilities.

Remember those days, Iris?

Vaguely.

There were men everywhere.

'Course, that was before the days of safe sex

and Dalkon Shield class action suit.

Back then, it was easier to fuck somebody

than to explain why you didn't feel like it.

(SIGHS) Well, maybe I'm too romantic.

But I like being with just Chuck.

Oh, there's nothing like monogamy.

Oh, I agree completely. That was then, this is now.

This is the way it's supposed to be.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

(MOANING)

(GRUNTING)

(BOTH MOANING)

(DOOR BANGING) (BOYS CHATTERING)

KENNY: Hey, you snot hair!

MARTY: There's no such thing as a snot hair, you dork.

Okay, come on, come on.

KENNY: I'm telling Mom! Scumface!

MARTY: Go ahead, dogbreath.

(DOG BARKING)

KENNY: I'm sorry you were even born.

MARTY: Well, I was born first.

(MOANING LOUDLY)

Ooh!

(BOTH PANTING)

Shit.

(CHUCKLES)

Who'd have thought you could make all that

with just a couple of bedsheets.

Yeah. Iris is a genius.

I thought Mom's sewing machine was gonna give out.

I had such a hard time with the gathering at the top.

Nina, it looks great. How many times do I have to tell you?

Well, I'm glad I finished in time for my first private patient.

Should be here in, oh God, 10 minutes!

What are you gonna do?

I have to research these security fraud cases Sol gave me.

I don't... I don't think it'll do any good, but...

Chuck, this is supposed to be my office.

Can't you read in the park, or coffee shop, or... It's only for an hour.

I have to leave?

(SIGHS) Well, we need privacy.

You can't stay here. I mean, we can't work in the bathroom.

It's $75 an hour. And we can't live on my salary.

Oh, thank you, yes, thank you. I'm a dead beat.

Why don't you... Have you told the neighbors?

(PHONE BUZZING)

Hi.

Can you... Can you have her... Just hold on a second, please.

Chuck.

This is great. This is really supportive.

As if I don't have enough to worry about.

Now my own wife is throwing me out of my own house.

Come on!

(DOOR SLAMMING)

Hi. Send her up, please. Thanks.

(CHILDREN PLAYING)

Quiet! Class! Class!

Today we are very fortunate to have someone who was an eyewitness to history.

Someone who actually attended Woodstock.

Mr. John Morden.

(CLEARING THROAT)

No applause, please. (CHUCKLES).

What is this?

JOHN: I thought I'd start today

by having you ask me some questions.

I know that's usually saved for the end,

but the whole idea of Woodstock was to change the rules, right?

So...

Come on.

Anybody. Don't be shy.

Mr. Morden, did all the girls go topless?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Hey.

Yeah, some of them did. It was pretty warm.

Did everyone take drugs?

Mmm-hmm.

Yeah. Some of them did.

Some people did.

(STUTTERING) But you know...

I think you guys have the wrong idea about Woodstock.

Or at least you have just a partial idea of the whole thing.

See, Woodstock wasn't just a big, giant party.

I mean, you have to remember that this country was at war then.

An unjust war that was being run by a psychopathic maniac

who was manipulating the Vietnamese people

because of his own twisted macho idea of what America should be.

On the weekend of the Woodstock festival,

there was over 500,000 troops in Vietnam.

And most of these were poor minorities

because they didn't have rich fathers to buy their way out of the draft.

Excuse me, Mr. Morden. Eh? Oh, sorry.

We were hoping that you would emphasize, shall we say,

the more sociological aspects of Woodstock.

You know, the music, the idea of tie-dye as folk art.

Oh, oh, all that was just a reaction to the political climate.

I mean Nixon was totally off his rocker!

I'm talking paranoid schizophrenic!

Mr. Morden? Okay?

We are covering this historical confrontation in my class.

Yeah, sorry.

Why don't you share with us some of your personal experiences?

Perhaps a humorous anecdote.

Well, there's nothing humorous about watching body bags lined up on the 6:00 news.

I mean, if your choice of role models

is between Richard Nixon and Jimi Hendrix,

it's not a difficult decision to make.

Our country was bombing hospitals, okay?

Thank you, Mr. Morden. I think that...

And I think you should give these kids the truth!

Not some watered-down version of revisionist history.

Mr. Morden, look, this is my classroom

and I think that you should leave! Please?

He went crazy, Mom, you should've seen the guy.

I mean, it's like he had an acid flashback.

That's funny. That's very funny.

Everybody's talking about him,

even the kids that weren't there.

You guys are getting so excited. Just calm down.

You know your dad. He gets a little bit carried away

when he cares about something.

He'll be home in a minute and we can all talk about...

Come on, Mom. I mean, the guy...

Oh, look, look. He's here, he's here now.

Come on. Let's go talk to him.

Let's go, come on. Come on, Fenno, let's all talk to him.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi, Dad.

Dinner in 20 minutes. Turkey parmesan.

Oh, go ahead, eat without me.

I'm pretty tired. I'm gonna lie down.

Sure.

NEWSCASTER: New evidence in the Merotan stock parking case today,

appears to be bad news for defendant, Charles Bishop.

Prosecutors revealed that only days before his indictment,

Bishop purchased two first-class tickets to Geneva

and they are pressuring Swiss authorities

to determine if Bishop had set up a numbered bank account

where he could hide profits from the alleged scam.

(TURNS OFF TV)

Didn't you hear that?

It was bound to come out sooner or later.

I told Sol.

Why didn't you tell me?

Look, this case is very complicated.

(STUTTERING) I can't remember to explain every detail to you.

Chuck...

I bought those tickets, it was an anniversary present.

It was supposed to be a surprise.

I don't want surprises.

Chuck, it's... It's only fair you tell me what's going on.

You haven't told me anything. It's like I'm not even here.

Nina, please stop it!

I'm just trying to protect you!

Right.

This isn't going to work. You're changing the terms.

You're absolutely right, Charles.

I am changing the terms and here's why.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Excuse me, Miss Laurent, it's your husband. He said it's urgent.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Leo, what is it?

Listen, I was supposed to pick up Lucy 10 minutes ago.

I've got some buyers here that are inches away from a major sale.

No problem. That way she can spend some more quality time with her biological mother.

I've gotta go. She's not at home.

She's at her friend, Tiffany's,

and they're going out to the theater, and Lucy has to be picked up.

First of all, she has no business associating with anyone named Tiffany,

and second of all, what am I supposed to do about it?

I thought maybe you could get her on the way home.

Home? Leo, I'm in the middle...

Give me her address, I'll take care of it.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

The address!

Where are we going?

38 East, 69th street, miss.

(SIGHS)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Just buy a brand new pair of Fred Astaire shoes

♪ Climbing to the top never gonna stop

♪ It's the same old song and one, two, three

♪ And dec-a-dance

♪ Dance ♪ Dance

♪ Dance ♪ Dance

♪ Dancing to the decadence

♪ Dance

♪ Everybody decadancing

Um, sir?

I need to make a stop first.

Can you take me to the Statue of Liberty?

Yeah. I'm doing a report for school.

Well, attagirl.

You know the value of a good education.

♪ It's hard to stop once the music gets started ♪

CLAIRE: What did you expect me to do? Drop everything?

A limousine is no place for a kid.

Caroline Kennedy grew up in a limousine,

and she turned out perfectly fine.

This is serious, Claire.

She's probably with Madeleine.

You're not mad about the limo,

you're just mad because you have to call that bitch and explain.

No. What I'm mad about is that I asked you to do me a favor...

Hello? Yeah. Yeah, it's me.

Is Lucy there?

Oh...

No, look. There was a little mix-up.

It... Calm... Madeleine, calm down.

Look, Madeleine, I am upset, too!

Hang up. I'll call the limo service.

We'll straighten this out. I'll... I'll call you back. Okay? Yeah.

Thanks.

Hi.

You okay?

(WHIMPERING) I didn't know where to go.

You wanna come upstairs and talk?

(SIGHS)

I don't need to talk anymore.

I just need you.

Oh...

(SOBBING)

Come here.

(CLICKING TONGUE)

I can be your friend.

I can listen.

But I can't fix it.

Okay. Where's my baby?

LUCY: Daddy. Come here.

She's been drinking.

Daddy, help me.

It's okay, sweetheart. I tried to give her some milk.

You're with daddy now. Thank you, Nina.

Okay.

It's okay, honey, you're home.

If you need anything else,

just give me a call.

So I guess you think I'm a real witch, right?

Driving that poor child to the bottle?

No. I know how difficult it is

to deal with a child that's so hard to reach.

No, you don't know how difficult it is, Nina!

I've really tried to win her over.

But she's so sullen and arrogant and manipulative.

She's a little girl, not a grown-up woman.

(CHUCKLES) When I was her age,

I never heard the word "divorce."

I didn't know the world could blow up at any minute.

My biggest problem was cheerleading try-outs.

Every night I went to sleep feeling safe and secure.

Lucy's never had that.

But it wasn't my fault.

It's nobody's fault.

It's just the way it is.

I've got a cleaver in my hand.

Are you sure you want to have this discussion now?

There is no discussion. This isn't working.

Throw in another egg yolk.

I'm talking about our marriage. It isn't working.

Of course it's working. We're having an argument, that's all.

It's called a fight.

I want out, Leo.

You want out? You want out? Huh, just like that you want out?

I'm sorry, Leo.

You gotta be more willing to bend, Claire. That's all.

This is not fun.

Yeah? Well, marriage isn't all fun. You know that?

Remember, for better or worse, in sickness and in health.

You know, once, just once I'd like to have a plain, old weekend with you

where we didn't go to some glamorous resort,

didn't hang out with the right people, drink champagne,

and desperately try to fuck our brains out on satin sheets.

There was no gun at your head.

You know, I would like to spend 48 miserable hours with you one weekend.

That's all. Then get into bed, have lousy sex,

wake up in the morning, and then get on with my day

without having to worry whether or not I impressed you,

whether or not you had a good time,

whether or not I was good enough for you!

Marriage isn't just fun!

Well, this one sure isn't!

I'm sick of suffering because you and Mad Dog fucked up.

How about a little respect for my feelings

instead of jumping through hoops for the other women in your life?

I married you, not your excess baggage.

Excess baggage?

Lucy, my daughter...

My daughter, excess baggage? I'm not talking about Lucy,

I'm talking about the situation!

Who the hell do you think you are? Queen Claire?

Your Highness? Who the fuck are you?

Who the fuck do you think you are?

My daughter comes with me!

I didn't mean your daughter, okay?

Don't touch me.

Don't touch me. Okay.

My daughter comes with me, okay? That's part of the bargain.

I know that, Leo.

It's no bargain.

Oh, my God, Claire and Leo...

Are getting a divorce.

But why? They seemed so happy!

Yeah, I can't figure it either.

(SIGHING) I'm sure they had hot sex.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Hot sex! What's that supposed to mean?

You know what it means, Iris. It hasn't been that long.

(GASPS) You really think sex

is the most important thing to keep a marriage together?

Of course not! People split up for a lot of reasons.

Lousy sex is just one of them.

Oh, I hadn't realized you were such an expert!

Huh, you don't have to be an expert to make a simple observation.

It just appeared to me that Claire and Leo had...

Satisfying physical relationship.

Right.

Claire is a very vivacious woman.

And...

She's got great tits!

Great tits? What a thing to say.

A simple observation.

It is a rude and inappropriate comment to make about a friend in pain.

Do I say, "Gee, Chuck's a bright, interesting guy,

"and I bet he's hung like a gorilla!"

I bet he's not.

(MOUTHING)

I'm sure they'll work it out.

People say things in anger they don't really mean,

and you just have to remain calm,

and talk things over sensibly.

Anything can be worked out.

Divorce is just so final. It's so sad.

You live in a dream world, Nina. Divorce happens every day.

Divorce is a fact of life.

LEO: Watch your step. Now, go slow. Go slow.

JOHN: Yeah, okay. I got it.

(MEN GRUNTING)

You all right? Yeah.

Easy.

It's pretty pathetic, huh?

A man's whole life fits in one little truck.

(GRUNTING) They say it's better to have loved than lost.

Nobody likes losing.

Hey, help me with this, will you? Come on.

Just hold it. Okay, easy. LEO: Okay, easy, guys.

Get out of the way. Easy, okay, easy.

(ALL GRUNTING)

That's it.

I certainly hope so.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

The smell of hot chocolate will always remind me of Girl Scout camping trips.

(LAUGHING) We took the boys camping once.

John stepped on a bee.

Well, that's life for ya.

Just when you think you're having fun, something always fucks up.

(GRUNTING)

LEO: How you doin', guys? This is the last flight. Okay?

Okay, you got it?

(JOHN COUGHING)

Just put it against the wall.

JOHN: Huh? Put it against the wall there.

Okay.

(SIGHING)

Be it ever so humble.

CHUCK: Well, it's sort of...

LEO: Depressing.

Well, it's small, but it's...

It's very green.

Why don't we give it a coat of paint?

I've got time to kill.

Come on, Claire, you can't turn your back on the fact

that we were meant to live our life in pairs.

Yeah, sure.

Ever heard of Noah's Ark?

Ever heard of the Titanic?

No, the nuclear family is the basis of human life,

the bond between parent and child...

BOYS: Mom!

What?

Eric's dad wants to take us to the hockey game... No, no, no.

He said we could stay over. No, I don't think...

Oh, come on, Mom, please?

They even have toothbrushes!

BOYS: Please? All right, all right, all right, go.

Thanks, Mom.

Okay, okay.

I'm free!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I am free for one whole night.

Part of me wants to protect my kid from everything.

Yeah, but you also want 'em to be able to deal with the real world.

Yeah. Well...

You know, my parents are alive,

but if they were dead, they would be turning over in their grave.

They've been married 45 years, they still sleep in the same bed.

What's this, lavender?

Yeah, that's Lucy's favorite color.

I'll be happy if one of my kids

develops a decent jump shot from the corner.

(LAUGHS) Pretty low expectations.

I always wanted to have my kids when I was young.

So we could grow up together.

I don't think we're ready.

Chuck keeps telling me I live in a dream world.

Maybe I did,

but I'm just starting to ask questions

about things I thought I had answers to.

Does that make sense?

Sure.

You know, even though I'm innocent,

there's one thing that still bothers me.

What's that?

Well, I have to ask myself when I think about

where I was headed, theoretically.

If I could've gotten away with a few million,

never gotten caught, would I have done it?

Oh, geez! Oh, shit.

Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it.

Take it easy. Relax. Take it easy.

I'm sorry. Take it easy.

Painted floors are in. Very high concept.

CLAIRE: Above all else, I value my independence.

I don't want to answer to anybody!

And I don't want to set a good example.

If people don't like the way I choose to live my life,

they can kiss my ass in Macy's window!

I let Claire keep the silver.

It was the least I could do.

It's been in her family for over 200 years.

(CHUCKLES) Let her sleep with her damn silver.

See if that keeps her warm at night.

Fuckin A.

Nobody ever plans to get in a rut.

John and I had this, like, you know, open relationship

which basically meant that he slept with other women

while I pretended to sleep with other men.

Then, his roommate moved to Oregon.

Then I moved in with the understanding

that we wouldn't sleep with other people,

but we'd keep our money separate.

Then what happened?

We got pregnant.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

A few years ago, Iris had a lump in her breast.

She had a biopsy on Friday and we wouldn't get the results until Monday.

I said, "Come on, we'll do anything you want."

We'll, you know, put it on plastic. "The sky is the limit."

She said, "No, I just want to be normal."

Hmm.

Me, I would have gone to London, Hong Kong.

But Iris?

Not Iris.

(ALL GIGGLING)

Thank you. We got married on the beach.

No! Yeah.

It was sunrise, around suns... Oh, God, I don't remember.

But the point is we write our own ceremony.

It's very Zen. Oh!

It's very feminist, very Buddhist, very Carlos Castaneda.

People did stuff like that in those days.

Some people.

So what do you want? I was young, I was impressionable.

(LAUGHING) Hey, I was knocked up.

Ladies? Another bottle of wine?

Two, please.

Oh!

Bring one at a time, please.

You know, this may sound corny.

Everything you say sounds corny, Nina.

Come on, Claire. Let her talk.

It's... It's easy to make new friends,

but it's hard to make old ones.

And I feel like we're old friends.

(CHUCKLES)

(MOCK CRYING)

Guys, I'm serious.

I don't like the ones with all that jewelry on them.

I like that natural look. You know, like the... See the one in the white?

CHUCK: Ooh, wow. How old do you think she is?

She's too old for you. She'd break you in half.

(LAUGHING)

God, sometimes I miss being in school.

I never see my friends anymore.

I mean, it's... I don't know. I like being married. It's just different.

(CHUCKLING) You're never alone.

There's always someone to get you off the phone, off the toilet.

Uh-oh.

CHUCK: New York is full of beautiful women. It's so exciting.

Don't talk to me about beautiful, exciting women.

Power, glamour, wealth aren't what they're cracked up to be.

(SIGHING)

Oh.

There are exceptions.

(PHONE RINGING)

(CLAIRE ON ANSWERING MACHINE) Hi, thanks for calling.

If you leave a message, I'll call you back.

(BEEPING)

LEO: Uh, hi, it's...

(SIGHING) Boy, I hate machines.

It's me, Leo.

Your pit-bull lawyer called me yesterday. We...

I really didn't like his attitude.

(LEO SIGHS)

Okay, this is tough.

I can't do this on the machine.

Anyway, I told him... I hung up on him.

So why don't you just tell him to send the papers over.

I'll sign whatever you want

and I won't call you anymore if...

Okay. Bye-bye.

(BEEPING)

(DIAL TONE)

FEMALE NEWSCASTER: That's good night for Channel Three News.

Coming up next,

a United States senator is slapped by his colleagues.

(DOOR OPENING)

This and more after sports.

Hey. Hi.

The boys said you'd called,

but I didn't know how late "late" was,

and then you didn't call back, so...

Marty said you were at a pageant meeting.

Oh, yeah, I know. I was.

But I would've come home if I knew you were feeling sociable.

(LAUGHS) What's that supposed to mean? I had a drink with Leo.

Oh, a drink? My God, you two are becoming quite an item.

It's like a nightly ritual.

You wanted me to be sociable.

We got to talking and...

Oh, did he talk about Claire?

No. Why should he? He's put that all behind him.

He's starting a whole new life.

If you ask me, this divorce could be a blessing in disguise.

You want a sandwich or something?

Oh, no. No, thanks. I ate with the kids.

(CHATTERING ON TV)

I have a staff meeting after school today,

and I need to go to the library

to do some research for one of my patients,

so I don't know how late I'll be.

What about dinner?

I made a casserole. It's in the fridge.

Three-fifty for an hour.

Looks good.

It's Iris' recipe.

Iris is so talented.

(SIGHS)

What did you say?

Iris is so talented.

Is there anything she doesn't do?

(SCOFFS)

I've got an idea.

Why don't you fuck Iris?

(SNICKERS)

What? Cat got your tongue?

No, I've never heard you use that word before.

Oh!

Well, I suggest you get used to it.

'Cause I'm planning on using it a lot more often around here.

'Cause I'm the one who painted the fucking shelves,

and I'm the one who made the fucking curtains.

And not only did I make that stupid fucking casserole,

I also make your fucking dinner every fucking night!

I'm sick and tired of doing all the fucking work around here

while you sit around moping all day

like you're the only fucking person in the whole fucking world!

And I'm rushing off to my fucking job

and you're still sitting around in your fucking bathrobe.

So fuck you, Charles fuckin' Bishop. Fuck you!

(DOOR SLAMMING)

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Come in.

Hi.

Well, I had to drop off the new school leader list,

so I thought I'd just drop by, I'd say hello.

Hi.

Even though my lunch hour was over two hours ago

and the city of New York is collapsing without my input.

So, how are you?

Fine.

Oh, wonderful.

I'm leaving Chuck.

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

What? What happened?

You know how you said no one plans on getting into a rut.

I don't know what I'm talking about.

I say the first thing that comes into my head.

Well, I didn't plan on getting into this one,

but I'm sure planning on getting out.

And Chuck won't even notice I've gone.

Oh, Nina, he's been through so much.

Yeah.

So have I. I'm really tired of being his fucking cheerleader.

You can't just walk out on a marriage just like that.

Yes, I can.

If you're not happy, you can, too.

How can you work in a barn near this broken-down nag?

(HORSE SNORTING)

LEO: Okay, you pick it, juicer.

The movie of your choice. Popcorn is on me.

We've got action, adventure, romance, comedy, drama.

You want to laugh, cry, scream?

Personally, I vote for screaming.

I don't care.

Well, I think you should care.

When your father is trying to make you happy, you should care.

Why? I mean, my opinion doesn't count.

You ask me about the stupid things, things that don't matter.

Okay, you want me to ask you about something that matters?

Huh? Something that isn't stupid?

Maybe you can explain to me why the only thing I ever wanted in my life

was to make my child happy, give her everything good in life,

make her feel secure, and that's the one thing I screwed up.

Make me feel happy and secure?

You say that, but you make all the big decisions yourself.

You treat me like a baby.

And I haven't played with toys like these since I was four years old.

(CHUCKLES)

You know, I must be out of my goddamn mind, you know.

Okay, you want to talk like an adult? Let's talk adult, okay?

No more TV, daddy and daughter, all right, you know.

I feel so guilty, and I am so afraid that you will not love me,

that I have made my own daughter into a spoiled brat.

Oh, sure. Everything's my fault.

No, everything is not your fault.

Everything is my fault.

I've allowed you to become a royal pain in the ass.

How about a little compassion?

How about a little recognition

that somebody who loves you very, very much

is trying to do the best that he can?

Lucy.

You're gonna have to understand something, okay?

Whatever happens, your mother and... Look at me, Lucy.

Your mother and I are never going to get back together again.

Okay? (SIGHING)

We tried. We've wanted to, we tried.

We just... We don't get along. We really did try.

Claire and I broke up because...

Me. No.

It's because of me. No, no, no. Don't say that.

Don't say that. It's not true.

Okay, I know you didn't like Claire, but she...

(SIGHING) She simply did not know how to be a parent. That's all.

But believe me, I really think that, in her own way,

she tried to do the best that she could.

She was okay.

(SIGHING) And her house is a lot better than this dump.

I... I just...

I just don't like it when you're alone.

Neither do I.

Oh, I love you.

I love you, too.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Hi.

Hi. How was your day?

Actually, it was interesting.

Oh, I picked up the dry-cleaning,

and I did the grocery shopping.

I called John.

There's a basketball team in Harlem that needs a coach

so I thought, you know, maybe,

with all this time off, I could help out.

Good. That could really improve your image...

For the case, I mean.

I didn't do it to help my image, Nina.

I did it because you were right.

Because, I mean, there are people in the world with problems

and it felt good to stop thinking about myself.

It must have been a unique experience.

(SIGHING)

I made you a dinner.

Because we've been celebrating the wrong things.

We're always celebrating first dates and first kisses and they're important.

I just think we should celebrate the bad times, too.

It's not that simple.

You don't just pick up the dry-cleaning and everything's okay.

I mean, I can't even get a real reaction out of you.

I mean, I don't know if you're happy or sad or scared.

I've been going through the worst time of my life.

I know!

All I've tried to do is protect you from it.

Just try to keep you out of the mess of it.

That's what I've done wrong. I've just tried to be a good husband.

That's what I've done wrong? No. Just stop!

Stop trying to be a good husband.

(SIGHS) God.

Look, I'm doing this all wrong.

I need you to help me.

Please, just tell me what it is. Tell me what you want.

(CRYING)

I just...

I just want us to be able to talk.

Okay.

Like this. Okay.

Oh, boy.

You are everything to me. Okay?

Do you know that?

I just felt so lonely the past couple of months,

and shut out.

And I just wanna feel like I matter to you.

Oh, God, you matter.

You matter.

You don't have to protect me.

Okay. Okay.

I'm sorry.

I love you so much.

I love you, too.

Will you marry me? (CHUCKLES)

I already did, remember?

Oh, yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

Marry me again.

I do.

How many thousands of these do you need, Iris?

There's no such thing as too many.

The children's public theater always gets a huge turnout.

Chuck and I can't wait. You know, he wants to volunteer, too.

He's so helpful.

If you two get any happier, I'm gonna have to get a glucose tolerance test.

Don't you recycle these things?

I have a feeling I'm going to.

Well, come on, it only takes a minute to make a difference.

It's all in the wrist.

How do you do it, Iris?

How do you have time to care about everything?

You sound like John.

I mean it as a compliment.

He sure doesn't.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't get like that.

He's been under a lot of pressure lately.

They're having more cutbacks in his department.

Oh, really? Yeah.

I feel so bad for him.

(MIMICKING) I feel so bad for him.

Ha, ha, ha!

Anyway, there's this big dance for the mayor and I'm really excited,

'cause I thought it might cheer John up.

It's this black tie, he's never worn a tux before.

he's all upset 'cause they cost too much to rent.

What are you gonna wear?

Well, I have this sort of long navy blue skirt and white blouse.

And I thought that, you know, I'd... Yeah.

Look like Mary Poppins?

Well, with the right jewelry...

The right jewelry is in the Tower of London.

John needs to be cheered up.

What do we have that's real cheerful?

Do you know CPR?

Oh, God, I could never wear that.

We won't tell God.

Come on. That'll never fit me.

Of course it will. This part stretches all out this way,

and this part pushes everything up and out the top.

Yeah, well, I don't know if I want everything up and out the top.

This is endless.

Every transaction Everson made for the last year.

Some for a dollar, $10.

(SIGHS)

How are we gonna... Just keep reading.

It would be nice when we go to trial to have a defense.

(BAND PLAYING UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

John, that Iris is something.

I can do without the limo, but I sure miss her.

(MUSIC STOPS)

Excuse me, excuse me. Pardon me.

Didn't we meet at the White House?

I don't... Or was it the laundry room?

Oh, yes!

(CHUCKLING)

Having a good time? Oh, yeah.

I love watching my tax dollars at work,

but my date keeps ditchin' me.

Oh! Hey! I have to say hello to all these people.

Couldn't we... There. Let's take that.

Let's sneak out that door right there. Come on.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Come on, come on, come on, come on.

(IRIS LAUGHING)

(SIGHS) This is beautiful.

You're beautiful.

(LAUGHING)

Are you really having a good time?

Oh, I am. And as much as I'm enjoying this party,

I can't wait till it's over,

because then I can get you home

and have you all to myself.

Oh, well, If you feel like that,

maybe I should just give you a preview of coming attractions.

(LAUGHING)

Geez, Iris.

(GIGGLING)

You are so...beautiful.

I never knew you could be so beautiful.

You should borrow Claire's clothes more often.

What?

Come on, I'm not... Come on.

Stop it. What are you doing?

Hey, you know it's me in here?

(LAUGHS) What?

God, what's the matter with me?

Am I so desperate for some response?

I dress myself up in this outfit

because I'm just convinced you think I'm dumpy and boring?

I don't think any such thing.

Yes, you do!

God! You fuck me, and you won't kiss me.

You mock my casseroles and you think I'm ditzy

when I'm just trying to be cheerful.

I just want to have a good life,

and not be consumed with anger

and jealousy and rage and...

And the feeling that I've missed the boat.

I thought we were in this together.

I thought this was supposed to be a marriage, right?

(CRYING) I know, maybe I didn't turn out

to be the Barbie doll of your dreams,

but let me remind you, when we met, you had a 32-inch waist.

And a sense of humor.

And now all you can see is sadness and gloom

and you fantasize about Claire's tits?

Let me tell you something.

I think Claire's great. I think she has great tits.

I think she has great legs and great clothes to show them off.

But she gave up on Leo, and I have never given up on you.

So how dare you give up on me?

How dare you?

No, Iris, I'm sorry.

I miss you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

(SIGHS)

Look at all this money I made for Everson.

Son of a bitch won't even talk to me.

If I had any money, I'd turn it over to Jeremy Brimfield.

He made a killing on this Hutchco deal.

Yeah, I never liked Jeremy. He was always bragging.

He had a lot to brag about. He made a bundle for Mullaney.

No, no, no. Jeremy didn't do shit for Mullaney.

Mullaney was mine. Jeremy didn't even know him.

What are you talking about? The whole Hutchco deal...

No, Jeremy handled the Hutchco deal,

but Mullaney had nothing to do with it.

Mullaney's brother-in-law owned the corporation,

but Mullaney had control.

No, if that was true, then Jeremy and Mullaney would have known each other

and they hadn't met.

What makes you so sure?

I saw them meet.

It was at Everson's party.

Oh.

Right in front of me. Jeremy came over and intro...

Uh-huh.

Oh, geez, I am an idiot!

Mmm-hmm.

A-ha!

So Mullaney pretends he doesn't know Jeremy.

And Jeremy gives me the tip.

Yeah, and then Everson gives you some nice new clients.

All of who are in with Mullaney right from the beginning.

He set you up.

They had a whole scam going.

Okay.

How are we gonna prove it?

Well, we got 11 of Chuck's clients to try and crack.

We can play 'em against each other.

All we need is one.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Claire. Hey, thanks a lot for printing these up.

You saved us a bundle.

It was my pleasure.

Speaking of pleasure, have you talked to Leo?

No. Why would I?

Well, John says he's miserable without you.

Good.

Well, if you're glad he's miserable without you,

that means you must be thinking about him,

which means you should call him up.

I haven't been thinking about him.

As a matter of fact, I've met someone new.

Oh, yeah? What's he like?

Shipping tycoon. Tall, dark, handsome.

Rich, powerful, romantic, sexy.

Sounds awful. Call Leo.

I won't call Leo.

I'm perfectly happy seeing this fabulously wonderful man.

As a matter of fact, we're going to the ballet Saturday.

He's got the whole box. Why don't you join us?

We can get Chuck and Nina, do cocktails at my place.

It'll be like, you know, old times.

Oh, gee, I guess you forgot about the Rainbow Festival.

Chuck and Nina are coming with us.

Oh.

Well, I'm sure it will be lovely.

It's going to be fabulous.

(LAUGHS) Oh, the boys are stringing love beads

and painting war protest signs.

And Leo is going to be there.

And I'll be at the ballet, where I belong.

You belong with Leo. You guys were great together.

Iris, I know you mean well, but I know myself.

I know my limitations.

I don't bend, I don't compromise,

and I'm too old to start now.

You're giving up the chance of a lifetime.

You're turning your back on the real thing.

There is no real thing.

And believe me, no one ever lives happily ever after.

Honey, it happens all the time.

(SIGHS)

Here he comes!

(REPORTERS CLAMORING)

MAN: Excuse me, has Merotan been indicted? Is Arthur Everson...

Four of the 11 Merotan purchasers

have signed confessions admitting to collusion

with George Mullaney, Arthur Everson and Jeremy Brimfield

in an illegal stock parking scheme to take over the company,

using my client, Charles Bishop, as their pawn.

Excuse me, what about the charges against him?

It is my understanding that all charges against my client will be dropped.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

IRIS: Come on. MARTY: But, Dad, come on. We got to go!

It's just going to take a couple of seconds.

It will be painless, believe me.

Okay.

I'll have you know that I embroidered these with my own two hands, okay?

So if you wreck them, just, hey, don't come home.

Okay, we'll be careful. See you later, Mom. Bye, thanks.

Come here. Come here.

Okay. See you later. Okay, Mom, thanks.

Hold it. Hold it! I've got a little something for you guys.

Can't be a hippie without a mustache.

Facial hair is where it's at.

All right, Dad, thanks. See you later.

See you later. I...

I thought that I would grow my own back.

What do you think?

Mmm? I think you look like an asshole.

(CHUCKLES)

Ow! Geez! Shit.

(LAUGHING)

Kiss me, you fool.

You are the most beautiful woman here,

and I am the luckiest man in the world.

Thank you. I mean, how sweet.

LUCY: Hi.

Hi, Lucy.

I like your tattoo.

My dad did it.

Really? It looks very authentic.

I wanted to say congratulations.

About your husband, I mean.

Oh, thank you. That's very thoughtful of you.

I was thinking I'm going to camp this summer.

Is it okay if I write you?

Yeah. I'd really like that.

So would I.

Or you can call, too. Collect, if you want.

We paid the bill.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I have to go now, but thanks.

Okay. Good luck. Okay. Bye.

Well, of course everyone wants me, darling.

With my credentials, I can name my own price.

I just let them know I'm in control

and then I watch them fight it out amongst themselves.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

BOY: When is it gonna start, teacher?

Okay, Jodi, take your seat.

Settle down. Come on, now, settle.

Hi. Oh, you made it.

Hey.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

There it is.

I told them I'd only sign a two-year contract.

The thing I value most is my independence.

And who knows, maybe you'll get married.

Married? Never.

The last thing I want to do is waste my time

playing house with somebody who's temporarily compatible.

Look, I'm trained to look at bottom lines, and numbers don't lie.

Statistically, all relationships are a bad investment.

Believe me, nobody lives happily ever after.

Sure, they do.

It happens all the time.

MAN: (CHUCKLES) Sure.

(BELL SOUNDS)

WAITER: Hors d'oeuvres, ladies?

(SCREAMS) Oh, God!

Don't worry, don't worry. It won't stain.

I just need a little cold water. Go ahead, I'll wash this off.

I'll come with you.

Silly, not to the ladies room.

Be a good boy, save my seat. I won't be a minute.

♪ Yesterday a child came out to wander

♪ Caught a dragonfly inside a jar

♪ Fearful when the sky was full of thunder

♪ And tearful at the falling of a star

ALL: ♪ And the seasons, they go round and round

♪ And the painted ponies go up and down

♪ We're captive on a carousel of time

♪ We can't return

♪ We can only look behind from where we came

♪ And go round and round and round

♪ In the circle game

♪ Then the child moved ten times round the seasons

♪ Skated over ten clear frozen streams

♪ Words like "When you're older" must appease him

♪ And promises of someday make his dreams

ALL: ♪ And the seasons, they go round and round

♪ And the painted ponies go up and down

♪ We're captive on a carousel of time

♪ We can't return

♪ We can only look behind from where we came

♪ And go round and round and round

♪ In the circle game

Hmm.

♪ Sixteen springs and sixteen summers gone now

♪ Cartwheels turn to car wheels through the town

♪ And they tell him

♪ Take your time it won't be long now

♪ Till you drag your feet to slow the circles down

ALL: ♪ And the seasons, they go round and round

♪ And the painted ponies go up and down

♪ We're captive on a carousel of time

♪ We can't return

♪ We can only look behind from where we came

♪ And go round and round and round

(MOUTHING)

♪ In the circle game

♪ So the years spin by and now the boy is 20

♪ Though his dreams have lost some grandeur coming true

♪ There'll be new dreams

♪ Maybe better dreams and plenty

♪ Before the last revolving year is through

♪ And the seasons, they go round and round

♪ And the painted ponies go up and down

♪ We're captive on a carousel of time

♪ We can't return

♪ We can only look behind from where we came

♪ And go round and round and round

♪ In the circle game ♪

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(HOOTING)

(JOHN WHOOPING)

(CHEERING)