All language subtitles for How.I.Met.Your.Mother.S02E13.WEBRip.x264-ION10

TED:
Some kids dream
of being astronauts.

Some kids dream
of playing baseball.

When I was a kid,
I had only one dream.

To build a skyscraper.

That's stupid.

There were some obstacles
along the way.

But eventually
my dream came true.

I became an architect.

Morning, everyone!

So, I had an idea
for the atrium.

Ready?

Columns.

That's stupid.

I... I can't believe

you knocked over my model.

Well, it's just... it's not
exactly new is it-- columns?

I mean, what's your next
groundbreaking idea-- ceilings?

Floors?

Windows?

TED:
I know what you're thinking:

Who's this jerk?

Well, this jerk was
Hammond Druthers,

a legend in the architecture
community.

Very big in the '80s.

He was also far and away
the worst boss I ever had.

Then I designed the Spokane
National Bank Building.

And suddenly...

I was his boss.

And he didn't like it.
Stairs?

And to be honest, I wasn't sure
I liked it either.

See, before, when I was just
another employee,

I was happy, carefree.

The guy who hung out
in the break room

making fun of the boss.

Did you see what
he was wearing today?

It was like his pants were
being held up by his nipples.

(all laugh)

Yeah, and that shirt
with the flowers,

I get hay fever just
looking at it.

(all laugh)

But suddenly
I was a different guy.

(laughter)

Hey, guys.

What's so funny?

Nothing.

Um... nice shirt.

Thanks.

The hours were insane.

I was always working even
when I wasn't at work.

Oh, Robin...

I just had
a great idea.

Oh, do whatever you want
to me just don't wake me up.

Before, I used to be this guy.

Dude, of course you
should take the day off

for the Foo Fighters
concert.

Just say you're sick.

But now...

(coughing)
I was this guy.

Sick, huh?

Unbutton your shirt.

Hmm... "Foo Fighters."

Get back to work.

But still, the worst part
was Druthers.

Well, I was thinking...

Ceilings?

Oops.

Said that already.

Then again, you seem to like
rehashing old ideas.

I'm kidding, of course.

Another hole in one, boss.

(clicks tongue)

Oh, wow, he must be
really good-looking.

Why would you say that?

Well, 'cause only good-looking
people can get away

with saying things
like that.

I have found that
to be true.

It's a blessing
and a curse really.

Ted, you can't let him
treat you like that.

Yeah, you gotta
ask yourself,

who's the boss?

Tony.

Angela.
Mona.

Mona?

Watch it more closely.

Rock your world.

So, what are you gonna do?

Well...

it's awkward, I mean,
the guy used to be my boss.

So, I went to talk
to the managing partner.

Fire him.

Well, sir, I was thinking

he could just be put
on a different project.

Fire him.

He's an arrogant, washed-up,

pain in the ass.

In fact,

fire everyone
on that project.

Druthers, Mosby,

the whole lot
of them.

Mosby, sir?

I, I... I hear Mosby's doing
some great work.

Fine, Mosby can stay.

But tell him he's on thin ice.

Come here.

I like you, Crosby.

You mind if I
charge my phone?

Knock yourself out.

Well, Ted, if you
do fire Druthers,

the key is timing.

Remember when I had to
fire my makeup artist?

Vicki, um...

I'm so sorry about this,

but there's been some
budget cuts and, um,

we have to let you go.

I mean, after tonight.

I still need my makeup
for the broadcast.

So...

Our thoughts and prayers go out
to the families of the victims.

You know what?
I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna fire Druthers
tomorrow.

Oh, my God!
What?

Do you know about this?

No.
What is that?

Only the greatest thing ever.

Wait, wait, wait--
that's not enough buildup.

If they were
to cure cancer tomorrow,

this would still be the greatest
thing to happen all week.

Okay.

Now you're ready
for naked Marshall.

Oh, my God.

This is awesome
times awesome.

It's awesome squared.

I know, right?

Behind the piano
this whole time.
Wait.

If Marshall went to all
this trouble to hide it,

he clearly doesn't
want us to find it.

Oh, come on, Robin.
No,

I'm saying that he must be
really embarrassed by this.

We are gonna have
so much fun.

I know! We're gonna
have so much fun!

Oh, sorry I'm late;
lunch ran a little long.

You wanted to see me,
Mosby?

Uh, yeah, like four hours ago.

Well, excuse me,

for spending the last
four hours

drawing designs
for your building.

This is a cocktail napkin.

Covered in profanity.

Look, Hammond,

um, there's no easy
way to say this,

so...

why don't we just, um,

step into your office.

GROUP:
* Happy birthday *

Oh... (laughing)
* To you *

* Happy birthday to you *
Oh, you had me.

You so had me.

* Happy birthday,
dear Hammond *

Oh!
* Happy birthday
to you *

ROBIN:
So, you

didn't fire him?

I can't fire a guy
on his birthday.

Everyone would hate me.

Besides, they put a party hat
on me.

My authority was compromised.

Oh, hey, Marshall.

Have a seat.

I know how much
you love stools.

Mm, thanks.

Yeah, stools are better
for your posture.

And, uh...

I... got you a rose.

Thank you.

That's so sweet.

You guys are being...

(suddenly flat):
so sweet.

Hey, guys.

Guess what I got.

A new dart.

Oh, wow, a new dart.
TED:
Oh.

Hey, that new dart is great.

I did not know you were such
a fan of new dart, Barney.

Oh, yes, Robin,
I just love new dart.

Nude art.

Nude art.
Nude art.

(laughing)

Okay, all right, so what, you
guys found the painting, huh?

I knew this day would come.

How did you know that?

Because I didn't hide it
very well.

TED:
So the story on the painting
is that, back in college,

Lily wanted to do a nude study
for her art class.

Marshall wasn't so
into the idea.

Well, I just...

don't think that some dude

should drop trou just
to pose for you.

It's for class,

and it's just that weird kid
Hunter from my freshman hall.

The Frisbee dude
with the soul patch?

He's like the hottest guy
in school!

No, he's actually
a little husky...
Oh,

he's just huggable!

And complicated...

and a little bit of a jerk.

Just enough so you think
maybe you can change him.

Okay, just forget it.

Call me old-fashioned,

I just think that I'm the only
guy you should see naked.

Well, then you'll have to do it.

Are you kidding me?

What if somebody sees it?

We're not in high school
anymore.

People don't make fun of you
for posing nude for a painting.

We're adults now.

We totally saw your butt.

(both laughing)

(mocking laugh)

This painting has caused
too much grief already.

I'm destroying it right now.

(mockingly):
Oh, no, what's the matter,
Marshall?

Where is it?

I'll tell you where it is

if you'll answer
these riddles three.

You hung it up in the bar,
didn't you?

Yo, why you gotta
ruin my riddles?

Oh...!

Field trip!

(giddy laugh)

(screams)

BARNEY:
Oh, no.

Someone put your painting
up behind the bar.

Classic!

What a memorable prank.

Hey, Marshall.

What'll you have?

What'll I have?

Um, I don't know, maybe a beer

and that nude painting of me
hanging behind the bar!

Ooh, I'm sorry, that painting's
property of the bar.

I know that Barney gave you
that painting.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Whatever he's paying you,
I'll pay you double.

I doubt it.

Whatever he's paying you,

I'll give you that
plus ten bucks.

I doubt it.

All right, you know what, Carl,

you just lost yourself
a regular customer.

I doubt it.

This painting is the worst thing
that's ever happened to me.

Okay, where should
we put it up next?

In his law school?

Ooh on the side of a bus.

Oh, oh! How much
do billboards cost?

Easy, Scherbatsky.
Finesse.

I've got a five-year
rollout plan.

I'll have you know
that painting's

got commitments
all over the city.

Then, after New York...

(screaming)
I'm thinking.

Heh-yah!

Hey!

One of my worst fears
has come true--

I just saw Marshall
grabbing himself naked.

Well, I gotta go.

Believe it or not,

I have to go back to the office.

Oh, I'll go out with you.

Bye, guys.

You know, I wish everyone didn't
have to make fun

of that painting.

Eh, we're not making fun
of the painting,

we're just making fun
of Marshall.

The painting's actually
really great.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Well, thank you.

You know, seeing it again
makes me miss painting nudes.

What?

(whispering):
Paint me.

What?

Paint me.

Who's that?

Who's out there?

Hammond, is that you?

Mosby?

Druthers and I were alone
in the office.

If I was gonna fire him,

this would be the best chance
I'd ever have.

Uh, look, just
a second, Ted.

Uh, no, I, I really need
to talk to you.

Look, there's no easy way
to say...

What, what are
you doing?

What are you doing?

I'm standing here wearing pants.

Are you sleeping here?

What's going on?

Okay, fine, yes.

Not that it's any
of your business

but my wife had a little spat
a few weeks ago,

and I've been sleeping here
until she cools off.

Okay, well, uh, you're right--
that is none of my business.

Uh, look, there's no easy way
to say this-- I...

(voice breaking):
Who am I kidding?

She's never gonna take me back.

Uh...

(sniffling, crying)
It's okay.

What did you
want to say to me?

Happy birthday, buddy.

Oh...

So, you've been living
at the office?

Yes.

I'm an architect without a home.

You see the tragic
irony in that?

Yeah, I do.
'Cause I design homes.

I see it.
But I don't have a home.

Not lost on me at all.

But I don't understand-- why
don't you just go to a hotel?

You could be sleeping
on a mattress instead of...

what appears to be torn-up
drawings of my building.

The minute I go to a hotel,
in any second,

she's going to call
and tell me to come home.

She's a very special lady, Ted.

She's quite... mannish.

She gives me what I need.

Do you understand that?

Uh, no, I don't.

If you were lost
in the wilderness,

she can provide for me.

Well, that's the dream.

I'm glad you came
here tonight, Ted.

Me too, Hammond.

Call me Ham.

No, thanks.

Hammy D?

No, I think just Hammond.

So, I'm guessing you
didn't fire him.

I was this close.

TED:
Meanwhile, Lily had been
up all night

in the grips of a dilemma.

Oh honey, you're awake?
I'm awake.

Uh-huh.

I everything okay?
Yeah.

I've kind of been wrestling
with something.

What if I told you I had
a way to pay for our honeymoon?

Baby, our honeymoon's
already paid for.

We're going to Howe Caverns.

Well yeah, but-- but what if
we didn't want to spend

our honeymoon in a cave?

It's not just a cave, it's
a whole labyrinth of caves.

It's an underground adventure.

There's a cave

that's so dark that you don't
even know you're in there.

I mean, we're going
to experience

a whole new kind of dark.

Well, what if I found a way

to make a little extra money

so that we spend our honeymoon

not in Howe Caverns,
but in Scotland?

Loch Ness?

Yeah. And you know,
Edinburgh

and the Highlands
and Glasgow...

Loch Ness. Nessy.

Baby, I would love to search
for the enchanted creature

of the Emerald Loch, but...

we can't afford that.

Maybe we can.

Paint me.

Okay, I don't get this.

You've been making fun
of that painting all this time

and now you want me
to paint you?

We knew we could torture
Marshall because he has shame.

I do not.

In my body, where the shame
gland should be,

there's a second awesome gland.

True story.

Yeah, that's not the gland
I'm worried about painting.

(chuckles) Yeah.

A nude Barney is a challenge.

But I think you're talented
enough to immortalize this.

Now is the time-- I'm 31.

I'm at the peak
of my physical beauty.

If I were a woman,

I'd have passed it
long, long ago.

Long ago.

Forget it.

I promised Marshall he was the
only guy I would ever see naked.

Aww...

I'll give you $5,000.

We're going to Loch Ness!

Yeah!

That cabby would
not shut up.

Yeah, we should
call him a gabby.

I think it, you say it.

Hey, uh...

thanks for putting me
up last night, buddy.

Give 'em hell.

Morning, team.

So, I have given it
some thought,

and I say we revisit columns.

Oh, God, not this again.

Ted, a man in a toga

just arrived and delivered
a parchment.

Let me read it:
(gibbering)

Oh! It's from ancient Greece.

They want their basic
architectural elements back.

(laughing):
Oh, geez.

What?

You didn't hear me?

Toga, parchment...

(gibbering)

Can I see you
for one second?

Ooh, I'm in trouble now.

(quietly):
What are you doing?

I thought we were friends.

You slept on my couch,
you ate my cereal.

I tossed you more
toilet paper.

We are friends.

But that doesn't magically make
your bad ideas good.

What? I don't believe this!

You're, you're, you're
wearing my clothes!

And my girlfriend's...

sneakers-- man, you have
weirdly small feet.

Ted, I hope that you're
not going to let

our professional woes
interfere with our friendship,

because I really kind of
need you right now.

Okay, let's get
this over with.

Hey, hey! I don't want you
phoning this in.

This painting could, someday,
become a serious work of art.

I mean, you have been blessed
with an amazing gift.

Thank you.

I meant me.

Now, I like how you captured
Marshall's essence.

Goofy and unburdened,
with wit.

But me, I want something
more regal.

Something my progeny
could look at and say,

"There's stands
Barnabus Stinson."

He was wise...

and strong.

I don't think your sword
will fit.

(scoffs)
I get that a lot.

TED:
And so, as Lily began painting,

Marshall thought about
the $5,000

and what his fiancée
was doing to earn it.

This isn't right.

This isn't right at all.

Finally, he could take
it no more.

Hold still.

Hold still.

Hold still!

Paint faster!

Okay, I guess it's time.

Drop your shorts.

(laughing):
Yeah.

Wait, wait!

That wasn't enough buildup.

I need...

Uh... ah!

In a world without justice,
one man--

Oh, just drop them!
All right.

Oh!

No! No, this is not right!

We had a deal!
Well, I'm going
back on the deal.

Barney, get out!
You...!

(Barney groaning)
It's over!

Lily, I can't let you
go through with this!

(whispering):
I found a castle we can stay in,
but it's an extra two grand.

It's just not right!

It's beautiful and they say
it's haunted.

I can't let the woman I love
compromise her values for money!

I totally think we can get some
more money out of him.

I'm never letting
my fiancée, ever...!

Oh, you're still here?

Before you say anything,

I'll give you an
extra five grand.
We accept.

You people are so easy
to control.

Dance for me,
puppets, dance.

TED:
And that's how Uncle Barney

paid for Lily and Marshall's
honeymoon.

Come on, Ted, listen,
why don't we get back

and finish drawing the plans
for a building

which, in my opinion,
is never going to get built,

so you and I can get out of here
and grab a couple of beers.

No.

Look, Hammond,

there's no easy way
to say this but...

MESSENGER:
Looking for Hammond Druthers.

Oh, that's me.
I'm Hammond Druthers.

These are divorce papers.

You've been served.

Oh, God.

She's really going
through with this.

So that's it. It's over.

There is no easy way
to say this, but...

She's giving me
the remains of Wolfie?

My dog is dead?

Oh, my God.

I can't believe this.

She always played
too rough with him.

Believe me, there is no easy
way to say this--

GROUP:
* Happy birthday to you... *

You've got to be kidding me!

Guys, you have no idea

how much this means
to me right now.

Wait, his birthday
was yesterday!

Yeah, but a bunch
of us were up at
the conference

in Montreal,
so we thought...

No! No birthday! No!

I got something
to say

and I'm gonna get it out.

Hammond, listen to me.

I am sorry that
your dog died,

and that your wife is
divorcing you and that...

your life is falling
apart and that these guys
missed your birthday.

And there is no easy way
to say...

What are you doing?
What's going on?

(gasping):
Oh, God...

Oh, come on, you're not going
to pull that, are you?

Oh! Look, yeah, right.

Now we're falling
onto the ground.

Well, nice try, but guess what?

You're fired!

You're fired-- you get it?
You hear me?

You're gone! You're fired!

(staff applauding)

In my defense, I think
we all suspected Hammond

might have been faking.

On the plus side,
the EMTs seem to think

he's going to be just fine
and, as you saw,

they did admit that I did not
cause the heart attack,

even if they said it
a bit begrudgingly.

And there it was, rock bottom:

They all hated me.

But just when all seemed lost,

I had the greatest idea
of my entire career.

Margarita Fridays--
great idea, boss.

(everyone cheering)

Okay, it's done.

I'm gonna

step out,
so you can admire it.

Thank you very much, Lily.

Marshall, do you
have the money?

Yeah.

Let's get out of here!

BARNEY (distant):
A smooth area?!

You gave me the Ken doll?!

You gave...!

She left out Little Barney.

Barnacle Junior.

My Barnana is...

Barnito Supreme.