Original subtitles

(man singing "My Blue Heaven" in Korean)

(no audible dialogue)

(pop)

Fore!

Here they come!

‐I don't hear nothing. ‐Wait for it.

(helicopter blades whirring)

♪♪♪ (theme)

Attention, all personnel.

Report immediately to admitting ward

and operating room.

Attention, all personnel.

Report immediately to admitting ward

and operating room.

This guy's got a rapid pulse!

He's in shock! Get him down there!

We'll work on him first aid! Let's go!

Dear Dad. Hawkeye here.

You said I sounded a bit callous about my job

in my last letter.

Well, let me see if I can put it another way.

At this particular mobile Army hospital,

we're not concerned with the ultimate reconstruction

of the patient.

We only care about getting the kid

out of here alive enough

for someone else to put on the fine touches.

We work fast and we're not dainty

because, uh, a lot of these kids

who can stand two hours on the table

just can't stand one second more.

We try to play par surgery on this course.

"Par" is a live patient.

Clamp.

Clamp.

I'll debride the wound,

then we'll go in after the spleen, okay?

‐Okay. ‐Hey, Dish, look,

clean that up for us, will you?

Put some suction in there. Give me a clamp.

‐Clamp. ‐Clamp.

Wanna play a little doctor after we're finished?

Well, hurry. I think we're losing him.

Hey, Red, give us a little cross‐action here.

Put in a fix, will you?

Okay, give me a moment.

‐Everything under control? ‐Uh, yeah, fine.

But if you don't move,

I'm gonna have to cut around your B‐cups.

I don't want a Kelly clamp, Lieutenant!

But that's what you asked for.

Well, give me what I want, not what I asked for!

Hey, Ginger, put a clamp on his mouth!

You can show us all your diploma later, Frank.

That's enough, Captain.

Oh, clever.

I can see well enough. Now give me a sponge.

I can't see a thing in here.

‐Give me the retractor. ‐Let me have a clamp.

‐Which retractor? ‐The big one.

Hey, come on, get your seams straight, Scorch.

‐Gimme a clamp. ‐Clamp. ‐Here you go.

Hi.

Pierce, hold on!

Oh, lay off, Frank.

I just had a hard day at the office.

Your conduct in there was not only unbecoming in an officer,

it was equally reprehensible as a medical man!

Frank, I happen to be an officer

only because I foolishly opened an invitation

from President Truman to come to this costume party.

And as for my ability as a doctor,

if you seriously question that,

I'm afraid I'll just have to challenge you to a duel.

Swords or pistols?

I was thinking of specimen bottles, at 20 paces.

There are ladies present.

Oh, sorry, baby.

"Major," to you.

Why, sorry, Major, baby.

You're both a disgrace to this outfit.

Aw, come on, Frank!

We've all had 12 straight hours

of meatball surgery in there.

My brain is sending me urgent rest telegrams.

You must be tired, too, after all that malpractice

you put in.

‐You're dismissed. ‐Thanks, Mother.

We gotta get up early anyway and fix MacArthur's hernia.

Come on, Mary.

Some nurse this guy had. Whoo!

Oh, yeah. Was that the one with the, uh‐‐

Yeah, yeah, right. The one I was tellin' you about.

‐Hi, Ho‐Jon. ‐Hi.

She came to me once with a sore throat.

She didn't mind my examining her tonsils,

but she didn't understand why she had to take off her clothes.

That's a woman all over.

Best place for 'em to be.

Ho‐Jon.

Night, guys.

I've left a call for 1967.

Oh, yeah. Thanks, Ho‐Jon.

Hey, thanks.

Oh, finest kind.

Just like Mother used to make.

You know, we gotta do it someday‐‐

throw away all the guns

and invite all the jokers from the North and the South

in here to a cocktail party.

Last man standing on his feet at the end wins the war.

You guys got mail.

Here's Hawkeye.

‐Trapper. ‐I don't feel like mail.

Go ahead. Open it.

They can't draft you again.

Bad news from my wife. She still loves me.

Would you believe this?

She still thinks I got sent to Korea

as part of some secret plot to cheat on her.

‐Well, didn't you? ‐Yeah,

but how did she figure it out?

Hey, Ho‐Jon! Come here.

Sit down.

I got a letter from Dean Lodge.

Is that a good place to stay?

Ha ha. He's the head of my alma mater.

Listen to this.

"Dear Hawkeye... as Dean of the college,

I naturally remember you very well."

After my first autopsy, I mailed him a nervous system.

"Your request to enter the Korean boy Ho‐Jon

"seems one of your nobler gestures,

"and since his academic record meets our requirements,

"we will be pleased to accept him this fall,

"provided you can get him here,

"and also send me $1,000 tuition before the 15th.

"It was good hearing from you.

"If you do to the Army, what you did to this college,

America is finished." Ha ha.

"Yours sincerely," et cetera, et cetera.

‐Hot dog! ‐(laughing)

Hey, that's terrific!

How can I ever thank you?

You just go back there

and become the best possible you you can.

‐I go tell my folks. ‐Okay.

(sighs)

Where are we gonna get $1,000?

It's more like 2,000, you know,

with transportation and clothing and everything.

He can stay with my parents, so there's no problem there.

(indistinct muttering)

Maybe we could sell Spearchucker while he's asleep.

Must be something we can sell.

What does everybody want here?

What...

what do all these people want more than anything else?

To go home, or, uh, Tokyo. Whichever comes first.

What do they really want?

Sex.

Ah.

Except for those baseball perverts.

Let Radar print up some tickets,

and you make up a sign.

Mind telling me what we're gonna put on the sign?

All you can drink. Ten bucks a head.

Giant door prize.

Weekend pass for two in Tokyo.

Lucky winner to share the company of a gorgeous nurse.

You wanna raffle off a nurse?

Is that what I said?

‐Yes, sir. ‐Radar!

Radar, don't do that.

Yes, sir, you wanted to see me, sir?

Yes, but let me say "I want to see you,"

before I see you.

Yes, sir. You wanted to see these?

‐How did you know that? ‐That's why you called me.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, you wanted me to take those, sir.

Yeah.

Captains Pierce and McIntyre to see you, sir.

Show them in.

Men.

How are you, Henry?

How are you, Henry?

That's not what you guys came to ask.

I mean, the last thing you wanna know when you say

"How are you" is how am I.

All right, Henry, let's skip the gristle

and get right down to the bone.

Now, what we want from you is two weekend passes,

so we can raise this tuition.

Yeah, what we wanna do is raffle them off,

along with the company of one of our nurses

whose heart and everything else is in the right place.

Seems like a good enough cause.

Why don't I trust you guys?

‐'Cause we're not trustworthy. ‐Yeah.

Yeah, maybe that's it.

How do I know you're on the level?

Which nurse have you conned into doing this?

Well, I haven't approached her yet,

but there can be only one choice.

A girl with a face that doesn't quit.

A girl with so much body,

she should be continued on the next girl.

‐TRAPPER: Lieutenant Dish. ‐HAWKEYE: Lieutenant Dish.

Lieutenant Dish'll never agree to this.

HAWKEYE: Oh, but she will

because inaccessible as she is to everybody else

in this cruddy outfit,

she's putty in the hands of a master.

Hawkeye, that makes me crazy.

My lips were made by Stradivarius.

Dish, I have to ask you a favor.

DISH: How many times must I tell you?

I'm engaged.

I'm engaged, too.

Think of me as a dress rehearsal.

Always sneaking up on me.

Who sneaks up on you?

You really thrive on rejection.

Hawkeye, I'm trying to be faithful.

A girl can only take so much.

Are we anywhere near that point yet?

You said you wanted a favor.

Yeah, I'll tell you after I finish my lunch.

Sickening.

Animals.

HAWKEYE: Here's $10 for Radar's ticket.

Ten dollars for the Painless Pole.

And $10 for the winning ticket.

Listen, you walk off with this raffle,

we're gonna be able to sell tickets to your lynching.

Don't worry about it.

How we doin'?

Uh, around 600.

A little short, you know.

Oh, well...

we haven't given everybody a chance to contribute.

Hey, what are you doing in Frank's gear?

Selling Nickel‐Nose a ticket.

I know he wouldn't mind if he were alive today.

What are you doin' there?

Oh, I just wanted to borrow your Bible, Frank.

Since when are you interested in the Bible?

I peeked at the end, Frank.

The devil did it.

Shut up. Get off of there.

Hey, don't get physical, Frank.

You'll blow your sainthood.

I've had just about as much as I can stand from you two.

Between your‐your snide remarks

and your corruption of Ho‐Jon, and your‐your‐‐

You're turning this place into a brothel!

‐Hey! ‐(indistinct yelling)

And a distillery!

Frank, I'm tellin' you, you drop that gin mill

and your head's gonna go in the shop.

Oh... um... listen guys.

I'm sorry. I didn't know it was gonna break.

‐Oh, that's okay. ‐It's all right, Frank.

Don't worry about it.

Don't give it another thought.

(Frank shouting indistinctly)

I thought he'd never leave.

Henry, you have no idea what it's like to share a tent

with a guy who thinks he's all 12 Disciples.

Be that as it may, if I don't do something about this,

Frank'll report it to Hammond,

and he'll put my butt in traction.

And get your feet off my desk!

So I'm withdrawing the weekend passes.

You can forget about the party and raffle business tomorrow.

Oh, Henry, that's pretty Regular Army of you,

‐isn't it? ‐It's just as well.

I have to go down and see Hammond, in Seoul,

for a few days, and I wasn't any too happy

about the party taking place in my absence.

(woman singing "Happy Days Are Here Again," in Korean)

♪ Happy days are here again ♪

What's this?

Weekend passes for the raffle.

When did he sign these?

When he thought he was ordering a ton of ice cream.

Fudge ripple.

♪ Happy days are here again ♪

MAN (over P. A.): Attention, all personnel.

Both day and night shifts will be confined to duty

in the admitting ward tomorrow night.

All other activities are canceled.

There will be no exceptions.

By order of the acting commanding officer,

Major Frank Burns.

Captain, put that down.

♪ Happy days are here a‐‐ ♪

What do you say, buddy?

Morning, Frank.

Good morning.

Hey, Frank, I'm glad you got here.

You wanna hear something really wild?

Come here.

(groans)

What's the matter, Frank?

‐Frank's feeling a little groggy. ‐Yeah.

He needs a little rest.

‐He's been so tense. ‐Yeah.

Sometimes rest is the best medicine.

Here you go, Frank.

(humming "Brahm's Lullaby")

(muttering)

HAWKEYE: What's that, Frank?

‐(muttering) ‐Okay, Frank.

Now let's see that this patient

gets all the rest he so badly needs.

I say he should be sedated every hour on the hour.

(man singing "I'll Be Down to Get You In a Taxi, Honey" in Korean)

(chatter)

Oh, you look terrific.

‐Hiya, Ho‐Jon. ‐Hi.

Thank you.

‐Cheers. ‐Thank you.

You still haven't told me

how I get out of going away with the winner.

Why do I get the funny feeling it's going to be you?

You don't trust me.

Not since the first time

I found you hiding in my sleeping bag.

‐May I have this shuffle? ‐Hmm.

(singing continues)

‐'Scuse me. ‐Oh!

Excuse me. Father.

Captain Pierce!

I'm sorry, honey. My dance card's all full.

‐Where is he? ‐Who?

You know very well who.

Major Burns, he's been missing for hours.

Oh, I thought you'd heard.

Heard what?

Frank's gone over to the enemy.

They offered him $100 more a week

and a royalty on bedpans.

When I find him, you'll be under arrest.

It doesn't bother me.

My spies tell me

three companies of Canadians

attacked Hill 55 about an hour ago.

By midnight, this place'll be flooded with casualties.

Personally, I don't plan to work if I'm busted.

Well, you tell that to Major Burns.

Look, Hot Lips...

Why don't you stop worrying about Elmer Gantry.

Grab yourself a partner and give him a dancing physical.

(gasps) Excuse me.

Excuse me.

You will live dangerously.

What can she do to us?

General Hammond, please.

Tell him it's Major Houlihan.

Major Margaret Houlihan.

From Fort Benning.

Major Houlihan?

Excuse me.

‐Don't get up. ‐Yes, sir.

Frank.

(Man singing "Chattanooga Choo‐choo" in Korean)

Frank.

(coughs)

Okay, Okay. Calm down, everybody.

First of all, I wanna announce that,

because of your generosity and thirst,

we've raised over 1800 bucks tonight.

(cheers and applause)

And that means that Ho‐Jon's college career

is off to a flying start.

(cheers and applause)

Go, team! Fight, team!

Yay, team!

Put that man in traction.

And the next thing I wanted to tell you

is to get out your raffle tickets

because this is when the whole thing hits the fan.

Frank!

And now, the incomparable Lieutenant Dish.

(whistling, cheering)

Star of stage, screen, and radiology,

will dip her sensuous claw into the bowl

and pick the lucky winner.

(chatter)

Here it is, ladies and germs.

The name of the fortunate man

who will spend a glorious weekend for two in Tokyo

with the completely edible Lieutenant Dish.

And the winner is...

Father John P. Mulcahy!

(cheers and applause)

Attention!

D‐‐

Do I understand that the priest of this outfit

has just won a weekend with a nurse, in Tokyo?

It's a prayer come true.

Who are you?

Uh, Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce.

Who are you, Sarge?

What do you think this star means?

You're Tinker Bell?

This is Brigadier General Hammond,

chief medical officer of the Seoul sector.

Oh, hi.

‐Which one here's McIntyre? ‐Yo!

You and Pierce are both under arrest.

I'd like to get a second opinion on that.

(groaning)

Uh, what's the charge, General?

Breaking orders by having this party.

And handing out unauthorized passes.

‐(Frank groaning) ‐Uhh!

(imitating Peter Lorre) The mummy strikes.

‐Major Burns, sir. ‐Hamilton.

Hot Lips.

BOTH: Hot Lips?

Those two!

They're ruining this war, for all of us!

Get your MPs, Henry. On the double!

Come on, Henry.

You two are going to be court‐martialed.

‐In Tokyo? ‐San Francisco?

Right here is where you'll be tried,

and right here is where you'll serve your time.

Now get moving. You're under arrest.

‐Oh, no, I'm afraid we can't do that, General. ‐No.

‐It's a good idea, though. ‐Yeah, I like it.

‐I'd do the same thing in his place. ‐Oh, sure.

‐You can't do what? ‐Listen.

‐What? ‐Wait for it.

Those helicopters you're about to hear

are gonna be filled with Canadians

who went to a different party tonight.

(helicopter blades whirring)

Without us, a lot of those kids

are not getting home from that party.

Attention, all personnel.

Report immediately to admitting ward

‐and operating room. ‐Now, General, look.

Hey, you can put us in the clink after.

But right now, we got a job to do,

and we're a little short‐handed around here,

and we can use all the help we can get.

By the way, how are your hands?

‐Steady? ‐Well, I‐‐

Dirty nails. Come on. Let's get ready, men.

(chatter)

I got it. There it is.

Okay, let me have the suture.

Suture, come on, let's go.

(overlapping chatter)

‐ Suture. ‐ Sponge.

‐Okay, we've got it. ‐Okay, let's‐‐

Ahem.

Well, I haven't put in a stretch like that

for years, Henry.

Makes you remember

what you're all about, doesn't it?

‐Ra‐‐ ‐Yes, sir.

Damn it, Radar, how many times must I tell you?

Yes, sir, I've alerted the general's pilot, sir.

He's ready to take off at any time.

Now, I want you to alert the general's pilot

to be ready to take off at any time.

‐And that's an order. ‐Henry,

those two maniacs are the best surgeons

I've ever seen.

Made me feel like a horse doctor in there.

Now, make sure you don't lose 'em.

‐Not even to me. ‐Yes, sir.

Oh, you're not leaving now, are you, sir?

Oh, I've got to get back to the base, Henry.

Oh, I was hoping to give you a box of your favorite‐‐

‐Cigars. ‐Cigars.

Ah, thank you, Henry.

Don't forget what I said.

Hey, where's he goin'? We're all set.

Forget it. He was too impressed to have you arrested.

We did it again. Screwed up in reverse.

I keep telling you, we got to give up

this preoccupation with keeping people alive,

or we'll never get out of here.

It's no use. We're doomed.

Maybe we should start using rusty instruments.

Stop washing our hands.

Raise our prices.

Hey.

‐Hey. ‐Hi, there.

Couldn't help noticing you in the operating room.

(chatter)

What do you mean, too early in the morning?

I liked your work with the sponge this morning. Terrific.

FEMALE SINGER: ♪ My heart will always be yours ♪

♪ For eternity ♪

Attention, attention.

The following personnel are assigned

to the 4077 Mobile Army Surgical Hospital:

Alan Alda...

Wayne Rogers...

McLean Stevenson...

Loretta Swit...

G. Wood...

Larry Linville...

Gary Burghoff...

Karen Philipp...

George Morgan...

Patrick Adiarte...

Timothy Brown...

Odessa Cleveland.