1
00:00:01,101 --> 00:00:04,104
(man singing "My Blue Heaven"
in Korean)
2
00:00:24,157 --> 00:00:26,059
(no audible dialogue)
3
00:00:43,276 --> 00:00:44,210
(pop)
4
00:00:55,221 --> 00:00:56,489
Fore!
5
00:01:01,662 --> 00:01:04,264
Here they come!
6
00:01:04,297 --> 00:01:06,199
‐I don't hear nothing.
‐Wait for it.
7
00:01:06,232 --> 00:01:07,433
(helicopter blades whirring)
8
00:01:07,467 --> 00:01:09,335
♪♪♪ (theme)
9
00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:20,781
Attention, all personnel.
10
00:01:20,814 --> 00:01:22,549
Report immediately
to admitting ward
11
00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:23,650
and operating room.
12
00:01:23,684 --> 00:01:25,719
Attention, all personnel.
13
00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:27,487
Report immediately
to admitting ward
14
00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:28,522
and operating room.
15
00:02:07,193 --> 00:02:08,762
This guy's
got a rapid pulse!
16
00:02:08,795 --> 00:02:10,430
He's in shock!
Get him down there!
17
00:02:10,463 --> 00:02:12,533
We'll work on him
first aid! Let's go!
18
00:02:49,736 --> 00:02:52,706
Dear Dad. Hawkeye here.
19
00:02:52,739 --> 00:02:54,708
You said I sounded
a bit callous about my job
20
00:02:54,741 --> 00:02:56,943
in my last letter.
21
00:02:56,977 --> 00:02:59,746
Well, let me see if I
can put it another way.
22
00:02:59,780 --> 00:03:01,882
At this particular
mobile Army hospital,
23
00:03:01,915 --> 00:03:03,684
we're not concerned
with the ultimate
reconstruction
24
00:03:03,717 --> 00:03:05,251
of the patient.
25
00:03:05,285 --> 00:03:06,520
We only care about
getting the kid
26
00:03:06,553 --> 00:03:07,921
out of here alive enough
27
00:03:07,954 --> 00:03:09,990
for someone else to put
on the fine touches.
28
00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:11,758
We work fast
and we're not dainty
29
00:03:11,792 --> 00:03:13,426
because, uh,
a lot of these kids
30
00:03:13,459 --> 00:03:15,395
who can stand two hours
on the table
31
00:03:15,428 --> 00:03:18,464
just can't stand
one second more.
32
00:03:18,498 --> 00:03:21,868
We try to play par surgery
on this course.
33
00:03:21,902 --> 00:03:23,770
"Par" is a live patient.
34
00:03:23,804 --> 00:03:25,405
Clamp.
35
00:03:25,438 --> 00:03:26,973
Clamp.
36
00:03:27,007 --> 00:03:28,509
I'll debride the wound,
37
00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:29,676
then we'll go in
after the spleen, okay?
38
00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:30,877
‐Okay.
‐Hey, Dish, look,
39
00:03:30,911 --> 00:03:32,445
clean that up
for us, will you?
40
00:03:32,478 --> 00:03:33,714
Put some suction in there.
Give me a clamp.
41
00:03:33,747 --> 00:03:35,448
‐Clamp.
‐Clamp.
42
00:03:35,481 --> 00:03:37,250
Wanna play a little doctor
after we're finished?
43
00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:40,921
Well, hurry.
I think we're losing him.
44
00:03:40,954 --> 00:03:43,624
Hey, Red, give us a little
cross‐action here.
45
00:03:43,657 --> 00:03:44,725
Put in a fix, will you?
46
00:03:44,758 --> 00:03:45,859
Okay, give me a moment.
47
00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:48,862
‐Everything under control?
‐Uh, yeah, fine.
48
00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:50,496
But if you don't move,
49
00:03:50,531 --> 00:03:52,533
I'm gonna have to cut
around your B‐cups.
50
00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:54,768
I don't want a Kelly
clamp, Lieutenant!
51
00:03:54,801 --> 00:03:56,503
But that's
what you asked for.
52
00:03:56,537 --> 00:03:58,038
Well, give me what I want,
not what I asked for!
53
00:03:58,071 --> 00:04:00,340
Hey, Ginger,
put a clamp on his mouth!
54
00:04:00,373 --> 00:04:02,643
You can show us all
your diploma later, Frank.
55
00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:04,678
That's enough, Captain.
56
00:04:04,711 --> 00:04:06,446
Oh, clever.
57
00:04:06,479 --> 00:04:09,550
I can see well enough.
Now give me a sponge.
58
00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:10,851
I can't see a thing in here.
59
00:04:10,884 --> 00:04:12,418
‐Give me the retractor.
‐Let me have a clamp.
60
00:04:12,452 --> 00:04:13,920
‐Which retractor?
‐The big one.
61
00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:15,522
Hey, come on, get your
seams straight, Scorch.
62
00:04:15,556 --> 00:04:16,590
‐Gimme a clamp.
‐Clamp.
‐Here you go.
63
00:04:17,858 --> 00:04:19,526
Hi.
64
00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:20,661
Pierce, hold on!
65
00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:21,928
Oh, lay off, Frank.
66
00:04:21,962 --> 00:04:23,697
I just had a hard day
at the office.
67
00:04:23,730 --> 00:04:26,833
Your conduct in there was not
only unbecoming in an officer,
68
00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:30,036
it was equally reprehensible
as a medical man!
69
00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:31,638
Frank, I happen
to be an officer
70
00:04:31,672 --> 00:04:33,774
only because I foolishly
opened an invitation
71
00:04:33,807 --> 00:04:36,810
from President Truman to
come to this costume party.
72
00:04:36,843 --> 00:04:38,679
And as for my ability
as a doctor,
73
00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:40,446
if you seriously
question that,
74
00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:41,982
I'm afraid I'll just have
to challenge you to a duel.
75
00:04:43,884 --> 00:04:45,819
Swords or pistols?
76
00:04:45,852 --> 00:04:48,388
I was thinking of specimen
bottles, at 20 paces.
77
00:04:48,421 --> 00:04:50,524
There are ladies present.
78
00:04:52,358 --> 00:04:53,359
Oh, sorry, baby.
79
00:04:53,393 --> 00:04:54,761
"Major," to you.
80
00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:56,462
Why, sorry, Major, baby.
81
00:04:56,496 --> 00:04:59,533
You're both a disgrace
to this outfit.
82
00:04:59,566 --> 00:05:00,834
Aw, come on, Frank!
83
00:05:00,867 --> 00:05:02,068
We've all had
12 straight hours
84
00:05:02,102 --> 00:05:03,770
of meatball surgery
in there.
85
00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:07,407
My brain is sending me
urgent rest telegrams.
86
00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:08,675
You must be tired, too,
after all that malpractice
87
00:05:08,709 --> 00:05:09,943
you put in.
88
00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:12,679
‐You're dismissed.
‐Thanks, Mother.
89
00:05:12,713 --> 00:05:15,549
We gotta get up early anyway
and fix MacArthur's hernia.
90
00:05:15,582 --> 00:05:16,583
Come on, Mary.
91
00:05:19,586 --> 00:05:20,921
Some nurse this guy had.
Whoo!
92
00:05:20,954 --> 00:05:22,856
Oh, yeah. Was that
the one with the, uh‐‐
93
00:05:22,889 --> 00:05:24,457
Yeah, yeah, right.
The one I was
tellin' you about.
94
00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:25,792
‐Hi, Ho‐Jon.
‐Hi.
95
00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:27,828
She came to me once
with a sore throat.
96
00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:29,730
She didn't mind my
examining her tonsils,
97
00:05:29,763 --> 00:05:32,098
but she didn't
understand why she had
to take off her clothes.
98
00:05:32,132 --> 00:05:33,499
That's a woman
all over.
99
00:05:33,534 --> 00:05:34,901
Best place
for 'em to be.
100
00:05:34,935 --> 00:05:36,670
Ho‐Jon.
101
00:05:36,703 --> 00:05:37,904
Night, guys.
102
00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:40,040
I've left a call for 1967.
103
00:05:44,077 --> 00:05:46,813
Oh, yeah.
Thanks, Ho‐Jon.
104
00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:48,749
Hey, thanks.
105
00:05:52,919 --> 00:05:54,821
Oh, finest kind.
106
00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:57,891
Just like Mother
used to make.
107
00:05:57,924 --> 00:06:00,460
You know, we gotta
do it someday‐‐
108
00:06:00,493 --> 00:06:02,062
throw away all the guns
109
00:06:02,095 --> 00:06:04,030
and invite all the jokers
from the North and the South
110
00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:07,033
in here to a
cocktail party.
111
00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:10,003
Last man standing on his feet
at the end wins the war.
112
00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:12,639
You guys got mail.
113
00:06:12,673 --> 00:06:14,374
Here's Hawkeye.
114
00:06:15,676 --> 00:06:17,678
‐Trapper.
‐I don't feel like mail.
115
00:06:18,812 --> 00:06:19,913
Go ahead. Open it.
116
00:06:19,946 --> 00:06:21,447
They can't
draft you again.
117
00:06:27,521 --> 00:06:30,924
Bad news from my wife.
She still loves me.
118
00:06:30,957 --> 00:06:33,059
Would you believe this?
119
00:06:33,093 --> 00:06:34,761
She still thinks
I got sent to Korea
120
00:06:34,795 --> 00:06:37,130
as part of some secret
plot to cheat on her.
121
00:06:37,163 --> 00:06:38,899
‐Well, didn't you?
‐Yeah,
122
00:06:38,932 --> 00:06:40,634
but how did she figure it out?
123
00:06:41,935 --> 00:06:43,804
Hey, Ho‐Jon!
Come here.
124
00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:48,074
Sit down.
125
00:06:48,108 --> 00:06:49,776
I got a letter
from Dean Lodge.
126
00:06:49,810 --> 00:06:51,044
Is that a good
place to stay?
127
00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:54,180
Ha ha. He's the head
of my alma mater.
128
00:06:54,214 --> 00:06:55,649
Listen to this.
129
00:06:55,682 --> 00:06:58,552
"Dear Hawkeye...
as Dean of the college,
130
00:06:58,585 --> 00:07:01,555
I naturally remember
you very well."
131
00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:03,857
After my first autopsy,
I mailed him a nervous system.
132
00:07:05,225 --> 00:07:07,794
"Your request to enter
the Korean boy Ho‐Jon
133
00:07:07,828 --> 00:07:09,763
"seems one of your
nobler gestures,
134
00:07:09,796 --> 00:07:12,866
"and since his academic record
meets our requirements,
135
00:07:12,899 --> 00:07:14,935
"we will be pleased to
accept him this fall,
136
00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:16,770
"provided you can
get him here,
137
00:07:16,803 --> 00:07:19,540
"and also send me $1,000
tuition before the 15th.
138
00:07:19,573 --> 00:07:21,107
"It was good
hearing from you.
139
00:07:21,141 --> 00:07:23,143
"If you do to the Army,
what you did to this college,
140
00:07:23,176 --> 00:07:24,978
America is finished."
Ha ha.
141
00:07:25,011 --> 00:07:26,913
"Yours sincerely,"
et cetera, et cetera.
142
00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:28,882
‐Hot dog!
‐(laughing)
143
00:07:28,915 --> 00:07:30,216
Hey, that's terrific!
144
00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:31,752
How can I ever
thank you?
145
00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:33,153
You just go back there
146
00:07:33,186 --> 00:07:34,988
and become the best
possible you you can.
147
00:07:35,021 --> 00:07:36,690
‐I go tell my folks.
‐Okay.
148
00:07:41,094 --> 00:07:43,997
(sighs)
149
00:07:44,030 --> 00:07:46,232
Where are we
gonna get $1,000?
150
00:07:46,266 --> 00:07:47,934
It's more like 2,000,
you know,
151
00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:50,637
with transportation and
clothing and everything.
152
00:07:50,671 --> 00:07:52,939
He can stay with my parents,
so there's no problem there.
153
00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:55,976
(indistinct muttering)
154
00:07:58,945 --> 00:08:00,981
Maybe we could
sell Spearchucker
while he's asleep.
155
00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:02,949
Must be something
we can sell.
156
00:08:07,754 --> 00:08:09,022
What does everybody
want here?
157
00:08:09,055 --> 00:08:10,791
What...
158
00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:12,526
what do all these people want
more than anything else?
159
00:08:12,559 --> 00:08:17,197
To go home, or, uh, Tokyo.
Whichever comes first.
160
00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:18,999
What do they
really want?
161
00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:20,300
Sex.
162
00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:21,668
Ah.
163
00:08:21,702 --> 00:08:23,236
Except for those
baseball perverts.
164
00:08:23,269 --> 00:08:25,105
Let Radar
print up some tickets,
165
00:08:25,138 --> 00:08:26,707
and you make up a sign.
166
00:08:26,740 --> 00:08:28,174
Mind telling me what we're
gonna put on the sign?
167
00:08:31,044 --> 00:08:33,814
All you can drink.
Ten bucks a head.
168
00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:35,281
Giant door prize.
169
00:08:35,315 --> 00:08:38,919
Weekend pass for two
in Tokyo.
170
00:08:38,952 --> 00:08:43,056
Lucky winner
to share the company
of a gorgeous nurse.
171
00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:49,295
You wanna raffle
off a nurse?
172
00:08:49,329 --> 00:08:51,031
Is that what I said?
173
00:08:52,165 --> 00:08:54,134
‐Yes, sir. ‐Radar!
174
00:08:54,167 --> 00:08:55,936
Radar, don't do that.
175
00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:57,938
Yes, sir, you wanted
to see me, sir?
176
00:08:57,971 --> 00:08:59,973
Yes, but let me say
"I want to see you,"
177
00:09:00,006 --> 00:09:01,141
before I see you.
178
00:09:01,174 --> 00:09:03,977
Yes, sir.
You wanted to see these?
179
00:09:04,010 --> 00:09:06,046
‐How did you know that?
‐That's why you called me.
180
00:09:06,079 --> 00:09:07,213
Oh, yeah.
181
00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:12,886
Uh, you wanted me
to take those, sir.
182
00:09:12,919 --> 00:09:14,621
Yeah.
183
00:09:14,655 --> 00:09:16,322
Captains Pierce and
McIntyre to see you, sir.
184
00:09:16,356 --> 00:09:18,925
Show them in.
185
00:09:18,959 --> 00:09:20,093
Men.
186
00:09:20,126 --> 00:09:21,795
How are you, Henry?
187
00:09:21,828 --> 00:09:23,263
How are you, Henry?
188
00:09:24,765 --> 00:09:27,133
That's not what
you guys came to ask.
189
00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:28,702
I mean, the last thing you
wanna know when you say
190
00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:30,604
"How are you"
is how am I.
191
00:09:30,637 --> 00:09:32,839
All right, Henry,
let's skip the gristle
192
00:09:32,873 --> 00:09:34,274
and get right down
to the bone.
193
00:09:36,342 --> 00:09:38,812
Now, what we want from you
is two weekend passes,
194
00:09:38,845 --> 00:09:40,246
so we can raise
this tuition.
195
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:42,949
Yeah, what we wanna do
is raffle them off,
196
00:09:42,983 --> 00:09:44,785
along with the company
of one of our nurses
197
00:09:44,818 --> 00:09:48,855
whose heart and everything
else is in the right place.
198
00:09:48,889 --> 00:09:51,224
Seems like
a good enough cause.
199
00:09:51,257 --> 00:09:53,660
Why don't I trust you guys?
200
00:09:53,694 --> 00:09:56,162
‐'Cause we're not trustworthy.
‐Yeah.
201
00:09:56,196 --> 00:09:58,665
Yeah, maybe that's it.
202
00:09:58,699 --> 00:10:00,834
How do I know
you're on the level?
203
00:10:00,867 --> 00:10:02,903
Which nurse have you
conned into doing this?
204
00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:04,070
Well, I haven't
approached her yet,
205
00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:08,108
but there can be
only one choice.
206
00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:09,976
A girl with a face
that doesn't quit.
207
00:10:10,010 --> 00:10:11,678
A girl with so much body,
208
00:10:11,712 --> 00:10:13,246
she should be continued
on the next girl.
209
00:10:13,279 --> 00:10:15,115
‐TRAPPER: Lieutenant Dish.
‐HAWKEYE: Lieutenant Dish.
210
00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:16,316
Lieutenant Dish'll
never agree to this.
211
00:10:16,349 --> 00:10:18,018
HAWKEYE:
Oh, but she will
212
00:10:18,051 --> 00:10:19,986
because inaccessible as
she is to everybody else
213
00:10:20,020 --> 00:10:22,122
in this cruddy outfit,
214
00:10:22,155 --> 00:10:24,090
she's putty in the
hands of a master.
215
00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:26,993
Hawkeye, that
makes me crazy.
216
00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:31,431
My lips were made
by Stradivarius.
217
00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:33,299
Dish, I have to
ask you a favor.
218
00:10:33,333 --> 00:10:35,135
DISH: How many times
must I tell you?
219
00:10:35,168 --> 00:10:36,336
I'm engaged.
220
00:10:36,369 --> 00:10:38,905
I'm engaged, too.
221
00:10:38,939 --> 00:10:41,041
Think of me as
a dress rehearsal.
222
00:10:41,074 --> 00:10:42,843
Always sneaking up on me.
223
00:10:42,876 --> 00:10:45,311
Who sneaks up on you?
224
00:10:45,345 --> 00:10:48,181
You really thrive
on rejection.
225
00:10:52,085 --> 00:10:55,355
Hawkeye, I'm trying
to be faithful.
226
00:11:01,294 --> 00:11:03,463
A girl can only
take so much.
227
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:05,365
Are we anywhere
near that point yet?
228
00:11:06,466 --> 00:11:08,902
You said you wanted a favor.
229
00:11:10,436 --> 00:11:12,405
Yeah, I'll tell you
after I finish my lunch.
230
00:11:17,277 --> 00:11:19,079
Sickening.
231
00:11:19,112 --> 00:11:19,980
Animals.
232
00:11:21,982 --> 00:11:25,351
HAWKEYE: Here's $10
for Radar's ticket.
233
00:11:25,385 --> 00:11:28,021
Ten dollars for
the Painless Pole.
234
00:11:28,054 --> 00:11:30,490
And $10 for the
winning ticket.
235
00:11:30,524 --> 00:11:32,225
Listen, you walk off
with this raffle,
236
00:11:32,258 --> 00:11:34,294
we're gonna be able to sell
tickets to your lynching.
237
00:11:34,327 --> 00:11:36,763
Don't worry about it.
238
00:11:36,797 --> 00:11:38,164
How we doin'?
239
00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:40,100
Uh, around 600.
240
00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:42,235
A little short, you know.
241
00:11:42,268 --> 00:11:44,204
Oh, well...
242
00:11:44,237 --> 00:11:46,807
we haven't given everybody
a chance to contribute.
243
00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:47,908
Hey, what are you
doing in Frank's gear?
244
00:11:47,941 --> 00:11:49,910
Selling Nickel‐Nose
a ticket.
245
00:11:49,943 --> 00:11:52,746
I know he wouldn't mind
if he were alive today.
246
00:11:54,014 --> 00:11:55,882
What are you doin' there?
247
00:11:55,916 --> 00:11:57,984
Oh, I just wanted to
borrow your Bible, Frank.
248
00:11:58,018 --> 00:12:00,253
Since when are you
interested in the Bible?
249
00:12:00,286 --> 00:12:01,922
I peeked at
the end, Frank.
250
00:12:01,955 --> 00:12:03,089
The devil did it.
251
00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:05,191
Shut up.
Get off of there.
252
00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:06,459
Hey, don't get
physical, Frank.
253
00:12:06,492 --> 00:12:08,194
You'll blow
your sainthood.
254
00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:09,930
I've had just about as much
as I can stand from you two.
255
00:12:09,963 --> 00:12:11,431
Between your‐your
snide remarks
256
00:12:11,464 --> 00:12:14,034
and your corruption of Ho‐Jon,
and your‐your‐‐
257
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:17,137
You're turning this
place into a brothel!
258
00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:19,973
‐Hey!
‐(indistinct yelling)
259
00:12:20,006 --> 00:12:21,407
And a distillery!
260
00:12:24,477 --> 00:12:26,279
Frank, I'm tellin' you,
you drop that gin mill
261
00:12:26,312 --> 00:12:28,114
and your head's gonna
go in the shop.
262
00:12:38,859 --> 00:12:41,494
Oh... um... listen guys.
263
00:12:41,528 --> 00:12:43,096
I'm sorry. I didn't know
it was gonna break.
264
00:12:43,129 --> 00:12:44,397
‐Oh, that's okay.
‐It's all right, Frank.
265
00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:45,966
Don't worry about it.
266
00:12:45,999 --> 00:12:47,568
Don't give it
another thought.
267
00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:50,270
(Frank shouting indistinctly)
268
00:12:52,839 --> 00:12:53,940
I thought he'd
never leave.
269
00:12:56,009 --> 00:12:59,112
Henry, you have no idea
what it's like to share a tent
270
00:12:59,145 --> 00:13:01,915
with a guy who thinks
he's all 12 Disciples.
271
00:13:01,948 --> 00:13:04,818
Be that as it may, if I don't
do something about this,
272
00:13:04,851 --> 00:13:06,186
Frank'll report it
to Hammond,
273
00:13:06,219 --> 00:13:07,487
and he'll put
my butt in traction.
274
00:13:07,521 --> 00:13:09,122
And get your feet
off my desk!
275
00:13:09,155 --> 00:13:11,224
So I'm withdrawing
the weekend passes.
276
00:13:11,257 --> 00:13:13,860
You can forget about the party
and raffle business tomorrow.
277
00:13:13,894 --> 00:13:16,329
Oh, Henry, that's pretty
Regular Army of you,
278
00:13:16,362 --> 00:13:17,998
‐isn't it? ‐It's just as well.
279
00:13:18,031 --> 00:13:20,033
I have to go down and
see Hammond, in Seoul,
280
00:13:20,066 --> 00:13:21,835
for a few days,
and I wasn't any too happy
281
00:13:21,868 --> 00:13:23,236
about the party taking
place in my absence.
282
00:13:26,206 --> 00:13:29,209
(woman singing "Happy Days
Are Here Again," in Korean)
283
00:13:37,618 --> 00:13:42,556
♪ Happy days are
here again ♪
284
00:13:42,589 --> 00:13:44,124
What's this?
285
00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:47,260
Weekend passes
for the raffle.
286
00:13:47,293 --> 00:13:48,862
When did he sign these?
287
00:13:48,895 --> 00:13:51,297
When he thought he was
ordering a ton of ice cream.
288
00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:52,298
Fudge ripple.
289
00:13:53,934 --> 00:13:57,470
♪ Happy days are
here again ♪
290
00:14:03,209 --> 00:14:05,311
MAN (over P. A.):
Attention, all personnel.
291
00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:08,481
Both day and night shifts
will be confined to duty
292
00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:10,551
in the admitting
ward tomorrow night.
293
00:14:10,584 --> 00:14:13,386
All other activities
are canceled.
294
00:14:13,419 --> 00:14:15,455
There will be no exceptions.
295
00:14:15,488 --> 00:14:17,624
By order of the acting
commanding officer,
296
00:14:17,658 --> 00:14:20,426
Major Frank Burns.
297
00:14:26,332 --> 00:14:27,901
Captain, put that down.
298
00:14:27,934 --> 00:14:30,036
♪ Happy days are here a‐‐ ♪
299
00:14:36,977 --> 00:14:38,311
What do you say, buddy?
300
00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:41,081
Morning, Frank.
301
00:14:42,148 --> 00:14:43,584
Good morning.
302
00:14:43,617 --> 00:14:45,185
Hey, Frank,
I'm glad you got here.
303
00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:46,653
You wanna hear
something really wild?
304
00:14:46,687 --> 00:14:47,921
Come here.
305
00:15:06,006 --> 00:15:07,407
(groans)
306
00:15:09,543 --> 00:15:12,513
What's the matter, Frank?
307
00:15:12,546 --> 00:15:14,414
‐Frank's feeling
a little groggy.
‐Yeah.
308
00:15:14,447 --> 00:15:16,249
He needs a little rest.
309
00:15:16,282 --> 00:15:17,551
‐He's been so tense.
‐Yeah.
310
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:20,521
Sometimes rest is
the best medicine.
311
00:15:20,554 --> 00:15:22,523
Here you go, Frank.
312
00:15:22,556 --> 00:15:24,925
(humming "Brahm's Lullaby")
313
00:15:28,762 --> 00:15:30,063
(muttering)
314
00:15:30,096 --> 00:15:31,197
HAWKEYE:
What's that, Frank?
315
00:15:31,231 --> 00:15:32,633
‐(muttering)
‐Okay, Frank.
316
00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:35,702
Now let's see
that this patient
317
00:15:35,736 --> 00:15:38,371
gets all the rest
he so badly needs.
318
00:15:38,404 --> 00:15:42,075
I say he should be sedated
every hour on the hour.
319
00:15:47,748 --> 00:15:51,552
(man singing "I'll Be
Down to Get You In a Taxi,
Honey" in Korean)
320
00:15:54,420 --> 00:15:57,023
(chatter)
321
00:16:05,098 --> 00:16:06,633
Oh, you look terrific.
322
00:16:06,667 --> 00:16:08,134
‐Hiya, Ho‐Jon.
‐Hi.
323
00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:12,338
Thank you.
324
00:16:12,372 --> 00:16:13,439
‐Cheers.
‐Thank you.
325
00:16:14,508 --> 00:16:16,042
You still haven't told me
326
00:16:16,076 --> 00:16:18,545
how I get out of going
away with the winner.
327
00:16:18,579 --> 00:16:21,481
Why do I get the funny feeling
it's going to be you?
328
00:16:21,515 --> 00:16:23,517
You don't trust me.
329
00:16:23,550 --> 00:16:24,785
Not since the first time
330
00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:27,087
I found you hiding
in my sleeping bag.
331
00:16:30,290 --> 00:16:32,158
‐May I have this shuffle?
‐Hmm.
332
00:16:32,192 --> 00:16:34,027
(singing continues)
333
00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:42,035
‐'Scuse me.
‐Oh!
334
00:16:43,570 --> 00:16:45,806
Excuse me.
Father.
335
00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:47,473
Captain Pierce!
336
00:16:49,142 --> 00:16:53,146
I'm sorry, honey.
My dance card's all full.
337
00:16:53,179 --> 00:16:54,648
‐Where is he?
‐Who?
338
00:16:54,681 --> 00:16:56,216
You know very well who.
339
00:16:56,249 --> 00:16:59,620
Major Burns, he's been
missing for hours.
340
00:16:59,653 --> 00:17:00,654
Oh, I thought you'd heard.
341
00:17:00,687 --> 00:17:02,623
Heard what?
342
00:17:02,656 --> 00:17:05,191
Frank's gone over
to the enemy.
343
00:17:05,225 --> 00:17:06,827
They offered him
$100 more a week
344
00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:09,329
and a royalty
on bedpans.
345
00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:11,431
When I find him,
you'll be under arrest.
346
00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:12,733
It doesn't bother me.
347
00:17:14,134 --> 00:17:15,301
My spies tell me
348
00:17:15,335 --> 00:17:16,637
three companies
of Canadians
349
00:17:16,670 --> 00:17:18,572
attacked Hill 55
about an hour ago.
350
00:17:18,605 --> 00:17:22,175
By midnight, this place'll
be flooded with casualties.
351
00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:24,545
Personally, I don't plan
to work if I'm busted.
352
00:17:24,578 --> 00:17:26,780
Well, you tell that
to Major Burns.
353
00:17:26,813 --> 00:17:28,081
Look, Hot Lips...
354
00:17:33,353 --> 00:17:35,488
Why don't you stop worrying
about Elmer Gantry.
355
00:17:35,522 --> 00:17:38,358
Grab yourself a partner and
give him a dancing physical.
356
00:17:40,527 --> 00:17:43,196
(gasps)
Excuse me.
357
00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:44,698
Excuse me.
358
00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:46,533
You will live dangerously.
359
00:17:46,567 --> 00:17:48,101
What can she do to us?
360
00:17:49,269 --> 00:17:50,470
General Hammond, please.
361
00:17:50,504 --> 00:17:51,672
Tell him
it's Major Houlihan.
362
00:17:51,705 --> 00:17:55,408
Major Margaret Houlihan.
363
00:17:55,441 --> 00:17:56,810
From Fort Benning.
364
00:17:56,843 --> 00:17:58,378
Major Houlihan?
365
00:18:11,558 --> 00:18:12,826
Excuse me.
366
00:18:12,859 --> 00:18:15,283
‐Don't get up.
‐Yes, sir.
367
00:18:19,465 --> 00:18:20,834
Frank.
368
00:18:24,805 --> 00:18:26,707
(Man singing "Chattanooga
Choo‐choo" in Korean)
369
00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:31,244
Frank.
370
00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:35,816
(coughs)
371
00:18:48,261 --> 00:18:50,130
Okay, Okay.
Calm down, everybody.
372
00:18:51,865 --> 00:18:53,366
First of all,
I wanna announce that,
373
00:18:53,399 --> 00:18:55,936
because of your
generosity and thirst,
374
00:18:55,969 --> 00:18:58,505
we've raised over
1800 bucks tonight.
375
00:18:58,539 --> 00:19:02,843
(cheers and applause)
376
00:19:02,876 --> 00:19:04,645
And that means that
Ho‐Jon's college career
377
00:19:04,678 --> 00:19:06,547
is off to a flying start.
378
00:19:06,580 --> 00:19:08,414
(cheers and applause)
379
00:19:08,448 --> 00:19:09,683
Go, team!
Fight, team!
380
00:19:09,716 --> 00:19:11,885
Yay, team!
381
00:19:11,918 --> 00:19:13,587
Put that man in traction.
382
00:19:15,421 --> 00:19:16,790
And the next thing
I wanted to tell you
383
00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:18,491
is to get out
your raffle tickets
384
00:19:18,525 --> 00:19:20,326
because this is when the
whole thing hits the fan.
385
00:19:31,605 --> 00:19:32,906
Frank!
386
00:19:52,859 --> 00:19:55,328
And now, the incomparable
Lieutenant Dish.
387
00:19:55,361 --> 00:19:59,232
(whistling, cheering)
388
00:19:59,265 --> 00:20:01,467
Star of stage, screen,
and radiology,
389
00:20:01,502 --> 00:20:04,437
will dip her sensuous
claw into the bowl
390
00:20:04,470 --> 00:20:05,839
and pick the
lucky winner.
391
00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:07,440
(chatter)
392
00:20:14,748 --> 00:20:16,617
Here it is,
ladies and germs.
393
00:20:16,650 --> 00:20:18,318
The name of
the fortunate man
394
00:20:18,351 --> 00:20:20,453
who will spend a glorious
weekend for two in Tokyo
395
00:20:20,486 --> 00:20:23,023
with the completely
edible Lieutenant Dish.
396
00:20:23,056 --> 00:20:25,358
And the winner is...
397
00:20:25,391 --> 00:20:27,694
Father John P. Mulcahy!
398
00:20:27,728 --> 00:20:29,262
(cheers and applause)
399
00:20:31,698 --> 00:20:33,266
Attention!
400
00:20:35,502 --> 00:20:36,436
D‐‐
401
00:20:37,971 --> 00:20:40,774
Do I understand that
the priest of this outfit
402
00:20:40,807 --> 00:20:44,277
has just won a weekend
with a nurse, in Tokyo?
403
00:20:44,310 --> 00:20:45,879
It's a prayer
come true.
404
00:20:45,912 --> 00:20:47,413
Who are you?
405
00:20:47,447 --> 00:20:48,815
Uh, Captain Benjamin
Franklin Pierce.
406
00:20:48,849 --> 00:20:50,784
Who are you, Sarge?
407
00:20:50,817 --> 00:20:53,687
What do you think
this star means?
408
00:20:55,656 --> 00:20:56,757
You're Tinker Bell?
409
00:20:56,790 --> 00:20:59,693
This is Brigadier
General Hammond,
410
00:20:59,726 --> 00:21:02,763
chief medical officer
of the Seoul sector.
411
00:21:02,796 --> 00:21:04,030
Oh, hi.
412
00:21:04,064 --> 00:21:06,900
‐Which one here's McIntyre?
‐Yo!
413
00:21:08,334 --> 00:21:12,372
You and Pierce are
both under arrest.
414
00:21:12,405 --> 00:21:14,307
I'd like to get a
second opinion on that.
415
00:21:14,340 --> 00:21:17,711
(groaning)
416
00:21:17,744 --> 00:21:19,746
Uh, what's the charge,
General?
417
00:21:19,780 --> 00:21:22,015
Breaking orders by
having this party.
418
00:21:22,048 --> 00:21:24,718
And handing out
unauthorized passes.
419
00:21:24,751 --> 00:21:26,019
‐(Frank groaning)
‐Uhh!
420
00:21:28,889 --> 00:21:30,624
(imitating Peter Lorre)
The mummy strikes.
421
00:21:32,392 --> 00:21:34,427
‐Major Burns, sir.
‐Hamilton.
422
00:21:34,460 --> 00:21:35,729
Hot Lips.
423
00:21:35,762 --> 00:21:37,397
BOTH: Hot Lips?
424
00:21:39,966 --> 00:21:41,434
Those two!
425
00:21:41,467 --> 00:21:44,805
They're ruining this war,
for all of us!
426
00:21:44,838 --> 00:21:48,441
Get your MPs, Henry.
On the double!
427
00:21:48,474 --> 00:21:50,777
Come on, Henry.
428
00:21:50,811 --> 00:21:53,514
You two are going to
be court‐martialed.
429
00:21:53,547 --> 00:21:55,115
‐In Tokyo? ‐San Francisco?
430
00:21:55,148 --> 00:21:56,850
Right here is where
you'll be tried,
431
00:21:56,883 --> 00:21:59,385
and right here is where
you'll serve your time.
432
00:21:59,419 --> 00:22:01,454
Now get moving.
You're under arrest.
433
00:22:01,487 --> 00:22:03,356
‐Oh, no, I'm afraid we
can't do that, General.
‐No.
434
00:22:03,389 --> 00:22:05,058
‐It's a good idea, though.
‐Yeah, I like it.
435
00:22:05,091 --> 00:22:06,860
‐I'd do the same
thing in his place.
‐Oh, sure.
436
00:22:06,893 --> 00:22:08,829
‐You can't do what?
‐Listen.
437
00:22:08,862 --> 00:22:10,997
‐What?
‐Wait for it.
438
00:22:11,031 --> 00:22:12,533
Those helicopters
you're about to hear
439
00:22:12,566 --> 00:22:14,067
are gonna be filled
with Canadians
440
00:22:14,100 --> 00:22:15,502
who went to a different
party tonight.
441
00:22:15,536 --> 00:22:16,703
(helicopter blades whirring)
442
00:22:16,737 --> 00:22:18,038
Without us,
a lot of those kids
443
00:22:18,071 --> 00:22:19,806
are not getting home
from that party.
444
00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:21,441
Attention, all personnel.
445
00:22:21,474 --> 00:22:23,009
Report immediately
to admitting ward
446
00:22:23,043 --> 00:22:24,945
‐and operating room.
‐Now, General, look.
447
00:22:24,978 --> 00:22:27,948
Hey, you can put us
in the clink after.
448
00:22:27,981 --> 00:22:29,716
But right now,
we got a job to do,
449
00:22:29,750 --> 00:22:31,117
and we're a little
short‐handed around here,
450
00:22:31,151 --> 00:22:33,954
and we can use all
the help we can get.
451
00:22:33,987 --> 00:22:36,557
By the way,
how are your hands?
452
00:22:36,590 --> 00:22:38,091
‐Steady?
‐Well, I‐‐
453
00:22:38,124 --> 00:22:40,794
Dirty nails. Come on.
Let's get ready, men.
454
00:22:40,827 --> 00:22:42,529
(chatter)
455
00:22:43,630 --> 00:22:45,031
I got it.
There it is.
456
00:22:45,065 --> 00:22:48,635
Okay, let me
have the suture.
457
00:22:48,669 --> 00:22:50,003
Suture, come on, let's go.
458
00:22:50,036 --> 00:22:51,605
(overlapping chatter)
459
00:22:51,638 --> 00:22:53,574
‐ Suture.
‐ Sponge.
460
00:22:53,607 --> 00:22:55,108
‐Okay, we've got it.
‐Okay, let's‐‐
461
00:22:55,141 --> 00:22:56,610
Ahem.
462
00:22:56,643 --> 00:22:58,912
Well, I haven't put in
a stretch like that
463
00:22:58,945 --> 00:23:00,113
for years, Henry.
464
00:23:00,146 --> 00:23:01,648
Makes you remember
465
00:23:01,682 --> 00:23:02,949
what you're all about,
doesn't it?
466
00:23:02,983 --> 00:23:04,450
‐Ra‐‐
‐Yes, sir.
467
00:23:04,484 --> 00:23:06,553
Damn it, Radar, how many
times must I tell you?
468
00:23:06,587 --> 00:23:08,021
Yes, sir, I've alerted
the general's pilot, sir.
469
00:23:08,054 --> 00:23:09,590
He's ready to take off
at any time.
470
00:23:09,623 --> 00:23:11,491
Now, I want you to alert
the general's pilot
471
00:23:11,525 --> 00:23:12,993
to be ready to
take off at any time.
472
00:23:13,026 --> 00:23:14,895
‐And that's an order.
‐Henry,
473
00:23:14,928 --> 00:23:17,731
those two maniacs
are the best surgeons
474
00:23:17,764 --> 00:23:19,165
I've ever seen.
475
00:23:19,199 --> 00:23:21,902
Made me feel like a
horse doctor in there.
476
00:23:21,935 --> 00:23:24,505
Now, make sure
you don't lose 'em.
477
00:23:24,538 --> 00:23:26,940
‐Not even to me.
‐Yes, sir.
478
00:23:26,973 --> 00:23:28,509
Oh, you're not leaving now,
are you, sir?
479
00:23:28,542 --> 00:23:30,511
Oh, I've got to get
back to the base, Henry.
480
00:23:30,544 --> 00:23:32,212
Oh, I was hoping to give
you a box of your favorite‐‐
481
00:23:32,245 --> 00:23:34,147
‐Cigars. ‐Cigars.
482
00:23:34,180 --> 00:23:37,784
Ah, thank you, Henry.
483
00:23:37,818 --> 00:23:39,152
Don't forget
what I said.
484
00:23:40,921 --> 00:23:44,124
Hey, where's he goin'?
We're all set.
485
00:23:44,157 --> 00:23:47,828
Forget it.
He was too impressed
to have you arrested.
486
00:23:49,796 --> 00:23:52,566
We did it again.
Screwed up in reverse.
487
00:23:52,599 --> 00:23:54,535
I keep telling you,
we got to give up
488
00:23:54,568 --> 00:23:56,069
this preoccupation
with keeping people alive,
489
00:23:56,102 --> 00:23:57,671
or we'll never get
out of here.
490
00:23:57,704 --> 00:23:58,972
It's no use. We're doomed.
491
00:23:59,005 --> 00:24:01,775
Maybe we should start
using rusty instruments.
492
00:24:01,808 --> 00:24:03,243
Stop washing our hands.
493
00:24:03,276 --> 00:24:04,878
Raise our prices.
494
00:24:04,911 --> 00:24:05,912
Hey.
495
00:24:05,946 --> 00:24:07,614
‐Hey.
‐Hi, there.
496
00:24:07,648 --> 00:24:09,215
Couldn't help noticing you
in the operating room.
497
00:24:09,249 --> 00:24:11,217
(chatter)
498
00:24:11,251 --> 00:24:13,554
What do you mean,
too early in the morning?
499
00:24:13,587 --> 00:24:16,089
I liked your work
with the sponge
this morning. Terrific.
500
00:24:16,122 --> 00:24:18,592
FEMALE SINGER: ♪ My heart
will always be yours ♪
501
00:24:18,625 --> 00:24:21,895
♪ For eternity ♪
502
00:24:27,668 --> 00:24:28,935
Attention, attention.
503
00:24:28,969 --> 00:24:30,504
The following personnel
are assigned
504
00:24:30,537 --> 00:24:34,975
to the 4077 Mobile Army
Surgical Hospital:
505
00:24:35,008 --> 00:24:36,743
Alan Alda...
506
00:24:38,679 --> 00:24:39,980
Wayne Rogers...
507
00:24:41,047 --> 00:24:43,083
McLean Stevenson...
508
00:24:43,116 --> 00:24:45,619
Loretta Swit...
509
00:24:45,652 --> 00:24:47,654
G. Wood...
510
00:24:47,688 --> 00:24:49,289
Larry Linville...
511
00:24:49,322 --> 00:24:50,857
Gary Burghoff...
512
00:24:50,891 --> 00:24:53,560
Karen Philipp...
513
00:24:53,594 --> 00:24:55,562
George Morgan...
514
00:24:55,596 --> 00:24:57,197
Patrick Adiarte...
515
00:24:57,230 --> 00:24:59,099
Timothy Brown...
516
00:24:59,132 --> 00:25:00,767
Odessa Cleveland.