Original subtitles

(CHATTERING)

Your breakfast, sir.

Pork bellies.

I have a hunch something very exciting is going to happen

in the pork belly market this morning.

Will Miss Penelope be dining with you this evening, sir?

Yes. Yes, she will.

- Good morning, Mr. Winthorpe. - Morning, Folsey.

- Morning, Mr. Winthorpe. - Morning.

- Morning, Mr. Winthorpe. - Morning.

- Morning, Mr. Winthorpe. - Morning.

I'll take care of this one personally.

- Good bye, VVinthorpe. - Good bye, VVinthorpe.

Winthorpe is a very steady young man.

We're lucky to have him managing our firm for us.

Oh, hogwash. Exeter, Harvard, he's the product of good environment.

It's got nothing to do with environment.

With his genes, you could put Winthorpe anywhere

and he's gonna come out on top.

Breeding, Randolph, same as in race horses.

It's in the blood.

Hey, baby, what's happening? How you doing?

Once you have a man with no legs, you never go back, baby.

I know what you're thinking. You seen Porgy and Bess?

We can make it, baby. Me and you.

You bitch!

Who's that? Who's there? What you want?

Police. We've had some complaints

about con men pretending to be blind and crippled.

But I ain't seen nothing since I stepped on that landmine

in Vietcong back in '72. It was rough, very painful.

You were in Nam? So were we. Where?

I was in Sang Bang, Dang Gong.

I was all over that place, basically a lot of places, a lot of places.

What unit were you in?

I was with the Green Berets,

Special Unit Battalion's Commando Airborne Tactics

Specialist Tactics Unit Battalion.

Yeah, it was real hush-hush.

I was Agent Orange. That was my name, Agent Orange.

Special Agent Orange, that was me.

Airborne, huh?

I can see! I can see!

I have... I have legs.

I have... Oh shit, look at this. Man! I can walk.

Jesus, praise Jesus.

I appreciate this. Oh, this is beautiful. I can't believe... Thank you.

I just don't know what to do. It's...

Glory be to God. Praise Jesus. Look at me.

This is too much. I can't believe it.

You're beautiful. Listen, I can't thank you.

First Moses, now this. God, Jesus...

Oh, baby, look at me.

I'm so happy. Oh, God. Look at me, this is too much.

What a happy day. What a happy day!

Really, I appreciate it, y'all. Okay now. All right. Look at this.

I can walk. I don't know what to say. I'll be all right. Take it easy.

You're beautiful, both of you all, the two of you.

How're you doing?

- Oh, I'm sorry about that, man. - Stop, thief.

- Help, help! - What are you talking about, man?

Don't shoot. Take it, take it. Please don't kill me. I'm getting married.

- Hey, I don't want your bag, man. - Help! Help!

Help! Help!

Help!

He's in there. After him.

- Excuse me. - Watch out. He probably has a weapon.

WINTHORPE: Stop him. He has my briefcase. Stop him! Stop him!

He's inside. That boy's crazy.

- WINTHORPE: He's escaping. Get him. - Shit.

MAN 1: Look at him. MAN 2: Get out of the way.

Get him. He's getting away.

There he is. That's him. Get him. Get him.

He's under the table. Somebody go under there.

Somebody get down there.

Right there. Right there. There he is.

Is there a problem, officers?

What in heaven's name is going on here?

He tried to rob the payroll, Randolph. He attacked me in broad daylight.

I didn't do nothing, man. This guy bumped into me.

I did not. You knocked me down and tried to grab my briefcase.

- Yeah, but it was an accident, man. - An accident, really?

What's going to happen to this man?

We're gonna book him

on assault, attempted robbery and resisting arrest.

Well done, Winthorpe.

Hey, man, I'm innocent. This guy bumped into me.

I was trying to give him his briefcase back to him.

Shit, I can't be going to jail

'cause some asswipe ain't watching where he's going.

Officer, I would like to press full charges.

People like this are a menace to decent society.

You're from a broken home, of course?

It was broke. So what?

You have a history of juvenile arrests, I presume?

Drug abuse, reform school, state prisons and all that?

I ain't talking to this guy. I want a lawyer.

Is there a lawyer in the house?

(CLEARS THROAT)

That man is a product of a poor environment.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with him, I can prove it.

Of course there's something wrong with him.

He's a Negro!

Probably been stealing since he could crawl.

(POLICE RADIO CHATTERING)

Given the right surroundings and encouragement,

I'll bet that that man could run our company

as well as your young Winthorpe.

Are we talking about a wager, Randolph?

I suppose you think Winthorpe, say if he were to lose his job,

would resort to holding up people on the streets?

No, I don't think just losing his job would be enough for VVinthorpe.

I think we'd have to heap a little more misfortune on those narrow shoulders

If he were somehow disgraced and arrested by the police

and thrown in jail, even,

yes, I'm sure he'd take to crime like a fish to water.

You'd have to put him in the wrong surroundings, of course,

with the worst sort of people.

I mean real scum, Randolph.

We've done it before.

This time it's in a good cause.

How much do you want to bet?

- The usual amount. - Why not?

You're so brave, Louis.

Someone has to take a stand against criminals like that.

But he could have killed you.

In such a situation, you have no time to think.

Instinct takes over. It's either kill or be killed.

Did Louis tell you what he did today?

Mr. Louis was kind enough

to share this afternoon's excitement with me, Miss Penelope.

You're so hot-tempered, darling.

I would have groveled on the ground and begged for mercy.

(WHISPERS) I want you, Louis, now.

- Coleman. - Sir?

I think we'll take our drinks in the living room, by the fire.

No dessert, sir?

You have it.

Thank you, sir.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

Oh, hello, Mr. Duke, sir. A what?

A scientific experiment.

Well, not at all, sir. No, l... It all sounds very

original.

Well, it's your house, sir, and I work for you.

I shall make the necessary arrangements.

And a very good night to you, sir.

What a scumbag.

Mumsy wants to have a party for us right after New Year's.

January 2nd, is that good for you?

A-okay with me, hon. Darn nice of her, too.

Oh, heck. 2nd of January. Can't do it, boo.

- Oh, Louis. - It's the day the crop reports come out.

What do those stupid old crop reports have to do with Mumsy's party?

Well, it's the busiest time of the year in the office, sugar puff.

It's just not fair. Why can't you make them do it another day?

Oh, no.

The Department of Agriculture gets those estimates

from all over the country.

Pork bellies, soybeans, frozen orange juice.

I suppose I'll just have to ask Todd to take me.

Now, waitjust a minute. If you think I'm going to let that playboy...

Just teasing, Winthorpe.

- You know something, Witherspoon? - What?

We are going to make a great couple.

We're going to have a great life.

- Excuse me, sir. - What is it now, Coleman?

Will you be needing me any more, this evening, sir?

No, I think I have everything I want.

Good night, sir.

See, I had to keep the dude under tight surveillance, man.

That's why I'm wearing these bummy clothes.

I had to make sure the dude had his payroll

before I made my move.

- Tell us how you cut him. - Hey, I ain't cut him with no knife, man.

But you told me last night you cut the dude.

It's with these I cut him.

I am a chain belt in kung fu. Bruce Lee wast teacher. Watchi this;

That's called the Quart of Blood technique.

You do that, a quart of blood will drop out a person's body.

Tell how you beat on the cop.

Wasn't no cop, man. It was cops. Plural. Nine, ten cops.

I beat the shit out of ten cops

and had to change my whole strategy around.

Yo, when they brought you in here and booked you,

-you was crying like a pussy. - Yeah.

That's 'cause as one of the cops fell, he threw tear gas in my face.

And that's the kind of shit they use on crowds, man.

And I still walked in here like a man, so get out of my face, all right?

I mean, you beating up on a man, you putting a man in the hospital.

How come I don't see no marks on you?

- Yeah. -'Cause I'm a karate man, all right?

Karate men bruise on the inside. They don't show their weaknesses.

But you don't know that 'cause you're a big Barry White-looking motherfucker.

Now get off my back, all right?

I wish my bitches'd hurry up and get here.

I ain't got no time to be sitting inside this cell with you...

Where is your bitches, Mr. Big-Time Pimp?

Yeah.

Didn't I tell you that the phone in my limousine is busted

and I can't get in contact with my bitches?

Yeah, the phone in the limo is busted. What are you, ignorant?

Hey, look, sit down, all right.

It ain't cool being no jive turkey so close to Thanksgiving.

Hey, now...

You boys don't know what you're doing, I can see that already.

Do you know who you're fucking with? Do you know who you're fucking with?

Back the fuck up. Back up.

Do you know who you're fucking with in cell number 4 on the ninth floor?

- Billy Ray Valentine? - Yes.

Move it.

- You made bail. - I did?

COP: Where are you going? What do you think? You crazy?

Get up there.

You don't know who you're messing with, boy.

You stay still.

May I suggest using a night stick, Officer?

Get out of here.

Mr. Valentine?

Could you spare us a moment?

Hey, man, don't I know you two guys?

Step inside, nice and warm in here.

Whiskey, all you want.

Hey, look, man, I ain't falling for the same trick twice, all right?

What you gonna do, get me in the car and have me arrested for stealing it?

Why should we do that, Mr. Valentine?

We're the ones who bailed you out.

Say, man, who are y'all? What y'all want with me?

We want to help you, Mr. Valentine.

My brother and I run a privately funded program,

to rehabilitate culturally disadvantaged people.

We'd like to supply you with a home of your own, a car,

a generous bank account, and employment with our company.

We're going to start you at $80,000 a year.

$80,000?

Excuse me.

This is a practical joke, right, bro?

Then these dudes are a couple of faggots then, huh?

Well, what's my next move, man?

Thank you, you've been helpful.

What about the police and the payroll?

We've had the charges dropped, Mr. Valentine.

You're a free man, Valentine.

We can stop right now and you can walk out on us forever.

No. No, I believe I can hang out with you fellas for a little while.

Excellent. I'm Randolph Duke.

How you doing, Randy. What's happening?

- My younger brother, Mortimer. - Hey, Morty! What it is? How you doing?

Billy Ray Valentine, Capricorn.

Randy, that's like Randy Jackson from the Jackson 5, right?

- Yes. Yes, I suppose so. - Yeah, yeah.

Here we are, William.

How you doing?

Hey, Randy, Morty. This is nice. I like this.

- William... - Billy Ray.

William, this is Coleman. He'll look after your day-to-day needs.

Can I relieve you of those, sir?

You get a glass, I'll give you a sip, man.

- Perhaps your coat, sir? - Yes, this is my coat.

Coleman is here to take care of you. He is your servant.

- May I take it? - Get out of here, man.

Valentine very badly wants to take a hot bath

and to get into something comfortable.

Don't you, Valentine?

Jacuzzi, sir?

You see, man, I knew you all was faggots, man.

You'll be Jacuzzi nobody.

It's a whirlpool bath, sir. I think you'll enjoy it.

(EXCLAIMS)

Bubbles, man. Say, man, when I was growing up,

we want a Jacuzzi, we had to fart in the tub. This is bad.

(VALENTINE SINGING)

- What's he doing in there? - He's singing, sir.

They're very musical people, aren't they?

- What shall I do with his clothes, sir? - Send them to the laundry.

He'll have to have something to wear back to the ghetto

after I've won our bet.

Well, William, what do you think?

I like it, Randy. It's very nice.

I like the way you have the mirrors and stuff hooked up over there.

It's very pretty. I like that. I like that mirror.

- I don't think he understands, Randolph. - Oh, but, Morty, I do understand.

- William. - Yes.

- This is your home. - Right.

It belongs to you.

Yeah, all this is mine. I like my home. It's very nice.

I have very nice taste in houses.

Everything you see in this room is yours now.

- This is my stuff? - Your own personal property.

- Yeah, my own personal shit. - You understand?

This is mine. Yeah, I like that.

Yeah, you know what I like most about my place, Randy?

The curtains, man. Look at the curtains.

It's beautiful the way I got this place set up, man.

This is something else. I like it. The cabinets and whatnot.

Beautiful. I suppose you're gonna just give me this TV set for free, Randy?

- That's right. - Everything in here is mine, huh?

- Oh, I guess the stereo's mine free too? - Absolutely.

This is too much for me, man.

You know, I can really dig this, Randy. You know why?

This kind of thing happens to me every week.

This is your house.

These are your personal possessions.

You will only be stealing from yourself.

Look, first you throw my ass in jail, right?

Then you go and drive me out here and start running some garbage to me

about this is my house, this is my personal rug.

And then you go and tell me this is my personal slave too.

I understand how you feel, William, but the fact remains, all this is yours.

You may do with it whatever you wish.

This is my stuff and my place, huh?

I can do what I want with this stuff, right?

This is my vase here, right?

This is Billy Ray's vase, right? I own this vase.

And I can play like Harlem Globetrotters shit with it, right?

Okay, you want Meadowlark Lemon shit, right?

Hey, man, I'm sorry about that.

Perfectly all right, William, it was your vase.

That's a cheap vase, man. That was a fake, right?

I think we paid $35,000 for it.

But I seem to remember

we estimated its value at $50,000 for the insurance company.

(RANDOLPH LAUGHING)

You see, Mortimer? William has already made us a profit of $15,000.

You want me to break something else?

ALL: No.

Excuse me.

I just hope we're not pushing our luck,

using Mr. Beeks for this, as well as for the crop report.

We are involved in a very important scientific experiment, Mortimer,

and Mr. Beeks has always proven reliable.

(GONGING)

Excuse me. Sorry.

Hello, Todd. Gents.

Gentlemen. There is something rotten in the Heritage Club.

Something that has never raised its vile head

in the 208 years of the club's history.

There is a thief,

and he's sitting here among us.

Not an ordinary thief like the man

Winthorpe had the guts to stand up to yesterday.

No, this man is a hundred times lower.

I'd like to introduce Mr. Beeks of Lyndhurst Security.

Thank you. I'd like to ask you gentlemen to all stand up.

I'd like to ask you to place your left hand on the shoulder

of the man to your left.

I would now ask you

to place your right hand

in the coat pocket of the member to your right.

And empty the contents of those pockets onto the table.

Thank you.

You may sit.

We marked three $50 bills with red X's.

Less than 10 minutes ago

those bills were stolen from a coat in the cloakroom.

One of our operatives witnessed the theft.

Now, wait a minute. I've never seen this money before in my life.

Randolph, Mortimer, this is outrageous.

What are you doing? I haven't done anything wrong.

Oh, Winthorpe.

I'm glad your parents are not alive to see this.

What? No, wait, now this is totally preposterous. This is insane.

I have no reason to steal. No, wait, I'm not a thief.

I demand a fair hearing. You can at least grant me that.

Someone planted that stuff on me.

(PHONE RINGING)

(WHISPERING)

You realize you're making a grave mistake.

Boy, are you two going to be sorry. Do you know who I am?

Yeah, Winthorpe, Louis Ill.

I know, I know. I'm permitted two phone calls.

Just point me to the phone.

- Take off your clothes. - Now, wait a minute, I know my rights.

Take off your clothes.

You are making a career decision here. Now, you'd better think about it,

because it's something that you're going to have to live with

for the rest of your life.

Strip, you little shit, before I tear you a new asshole.

Did you hear what this man said to me?

Now, I have witnesses. This man is physically threatening me.

Winthorpe.

Louis lll.

All right. One gold watch.

One alligator skin wallet.

Master Charge, American Express Gold Card.

Visa, Diners Club Carte Blanche.

Two tickets.

- La Boheem. - La Bohéme. It's an opera.

It's an opera.

One cellophane bag.

That's not mine. I've never seen that before in my life.

That's PCP, phencyclidine. Angel dust.

You ever seen what this stuff does to kids?

You are looking at three to five, mandatory, Louis.

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)

(SHOUTING)

What's happening, Terry?

Give me a bottle of your best champagne.

You got a lot of nerve,

showing your face around here after all this time.

Look, man, I got your money.

I got your poor, measly $27 with interest.

Billy Ray, honey. Is that you?

Who you think it is? Terence, get the lady some champagne.

In fact, champagne for everybody, courtesy of Billy Ray Valentine.

- ALL: All right! - All right!

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

That's sweet of you.

A toast to Billy Ray, huh?

VALENTINE: Well, I'm a sexy man. I'm very sexy, see.

And people will come and say, "Billy Ray, you're so sexy,"

and not understand my sexuality.

- I know. - I'm a very sexy...

You was in the tank last night, bragging on your limousine.

You're the motherfucker I was gonna carve.

Yeah.

Motherfucker? Moi?

That just happens to be my limousine outside.

Why don't you go take a look at it?

Right outside?

Yeah.

You took care of him, baby.

- I was gonna kick his ass. - Were you going to?

I should have kicked it, but I'm a peaceful man.

Look, ladies, it's about time for me to get home.

But if any of you ladies want to drop by my house for cocktails,

there's plenty of room in my limousine.

- Limousine! - Come on, everybody.

(ALL CHATTERING)

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)

- You're looking so fine, Billy Ray. - Thank you very much.

Hey, yo, cuz, if you gonna vomit, the bathroom's downstairs.

No, it's downstairs, man.

Shit!

Hey. Hey, hey, hey-

That's a Persian rug. It's Persian, from Persia.

Hey. Hey, what is this? What is this shit here?

Hold up! Hey, who's been putting out their Kools on my floor?

Who has been putting out their Kools on my floor?

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey-

Have you people ever heard of coasters?

Would you like me to prepare some more hors d'oeuvres for the guests, sir?

Fuck them.

Hey, Coleman, there was more people in this room here before.

Where'd they go?

I believe some of them have adjourned upstairs, sir.

To my bedroom?

I've been waiting for you, Billy Ray.

Put your clothes on and get out of here.

Yeah, that's my girl, right over there.

Can I have everybody's attention please?

Can I have everybody's attention please?

(MUSIC STOPS)

Get the fuck out!

MAN: Okay, now, see here. COLEMAN: Good night, sir.

- Good night, madam. - Man.

- I hope you enjoyed it. - Dude ain't nothing.

Thank you.

It was a stone groove, my man.

You are the most righteous...

Yeah, right. Just get the fuck out, man. Let's go. Shit, come on.

Hurry UP-

And be quiet out there. My neighbours are asleep, they work too.

Well, your...

Your friends seemed to enjoy themselves, sir.

I thought it was a great success.

It wasn't no friends of mine, Coleman. It was a bunch of freeloaders,

treating my house like it was a goddamn zoo.

Why don't you retire, sir, and I'll straighten up?

You've got a big day ahead of you tomorrow.

Yeah, yeah, I think I will

retire.

Good night, Coleman. Thanks, man.

Good night, sir.

Let's go, Winthorpe.

(PHONE RINGING)

- Excuse me. - I'll see you later, we'll have lunch.

How would you like to make a fast hundred?

I just got out.

Hey, come on. What are you trying to do,

entrap me right here in the middle of the police department?

- You guys must be getting desperate. - No, no, no. This is for...

Is that your purse?

Yes.

That's a nice purse.

Thank you.

Darling, I'm so glad to see you.

Louis, you're making a scene.

The good news is I'm innocent.

I've never even done anything vaguely resembling this. Really. It's the truth.

Louis, you look awful. I'm so ashamed.

Those clothes and those shoes

and you've been fighting and... And you smell.

I smell?

Penelope, do you realize where I've been since yesterday?

They beat me up and stole my clothes. Those men wanted to have sex with me.

Can we discuss this somewhere else, Louis?

One of them tried to bend me over this...

I mean, if this place is indicative

of the state of correctional institutions in this country,

they might as well let all the convicts out.

It's far worse on the inside.

Stealing from your friends at the club, Louis?

Heroin, Louis? Have you lost your mind?

Mother wants me to call off the wedding and so does Todd.

Todd? What does Todd have to do with it?

You've been fired from Duke & Duke.

They're preparing charges against you for embezzlement.

Embezzlement? I've never stolen anything in my life.

How could the man I loved,

whose children I wanted to have and breastfeed, be a heroin dealer?

It wasn't heroin, it was angel dust, PCP, and...

Listen, Penelope, I swear to you, on my honor,

with almighty God as my witness,

I am not an angel dust dealer.

Oh, Louis.

(WINTHORPE GRUNTING)

I've been looking everywhere for you, baby. Listen, Louis...

- Would you... - I'm hurting, baby. I just need a shot.

- Please... - Louis.

Who is this person?

I've never seen this woman before in my life.

Don't say it, Louis.

Come on, baby, just a dime bag. I'll do all those things you like.

You lying, filthy, disgusting creep.

Todd was right about you. I never want to see you again as long as I live.

Grand! Great! Thanks a lot.

It was a joke. Your friend said it would get you off.

You mean, someone told you to do this to me?

Yeah, and he paid me a hundred bucks, too.

He's right over there.

So let me get this straight,

I'm gonna give you $20 for the cab,

and you're gonna give me $50 when we get to your house?

That is correct. My butler, Coleman, will give you $50,

and drive you anywhere in the city you wish to go.

You don't exactly look like the type that has a butler.

You know, if you're hustling me...

Hustling you? Hustling you?

You don't think they give these to just anyone, do you?

I can charge goods and services in over 86 countries around the world.

Yeah? Well, I don't take credit cards.

You'll see what a mistake all this was.

Yes?

Coleman, could you please let me in? I'm having trouble with my key.

Who are you? What do you want?

Coleman, just unchain the door and let me in. I'm in no mood for jokes.

Coleman? There's no Coleman here. You've made a mistake.

Excuse me, for a moment.

Coleman! Let me in!

If you don't go away, I shall be forced to call the police.

Hello. I'll be making a cash withdrawal for the amount of $500.

Well, in fact, we'll make it $1,000.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry, Mr. Winthorpe, but the IRS has frozen your accounts.

What are you talking about? You know me.

You're a heroin dealer, Mr. Winthorpe.

It wasn't heroin, it was angel dust, PCP, and I never even had my hands on it.

Regardless, it's not the kind of business we want here at First National.

May I see your credit cards please?

- I've been ordered to repossess them. - What?

Now, wait a minute, what am I supposed to live on?

I mean, what's going to happen to me?

Roger.

Why is someone deliberately trying to ruin my life?

Tell you what. Forget about the $50, okay?

I'm just real tired. I'm going home.

You've got to believe me. You must believe me.

I have been framed. You can't just leave me here.

I've got enough problems, Louis.

Come on, come on.

Listen! Wait! Wait.

I have over $150,000 in that bank.

But you don't care because you helped them do this to me.

Get off your knees, Louis.

Give me your hand.

Soft hands.

And a manicure.

You haven't done a hard day's work in your life, have you?

I'm gonna regret this, but...

Come on. Get in.

I'm going to get to the bottom of this. This is about a grave, grave mistake.

Hey, that look just like the dude that had me busted.

Sir?

Right there, he looked just like the mother...

I mean, he looksjust like the gentleman that had me busted.

To whom are you referring, sir?

Right there. The dude right over there.

- Right over there. - That's my car.

Coleman! Coleman, that's my car!

That's my car! That's my driver.

There's some strange shit going on here, Coleman.

You don't want to be late for your first day at work, sir.

(BELLS CLANGING)

I mean, what am I supposed to do in here?

What they want from me?

- I'm sure they'll tell you, sir. - Yeah, what if I can't do it?

Just be yourself, sir.

Whatever happens, they can't take that away from you.

Excuse me, my name is...

Yes, Mr. Valentine, they're waiting for you in the last office down the hall.

William, my boy. Right on time. Come in, come in.

Sit down.

No, thanks, guys. I already had breakfast this morning.

This is not a meal, Valentine.

We are here to try to explain to you what it is we do here.

We are commodities brokers, William.

Now, what are commodities?

Commodities are agricultural products.

Like coffee, that you had for breakfast.

Wheat, which is used to make bread.

Pork bellies, which is used to make bacon,

which you might find in a bacon and lettuce and tomato sandwich.

Then there are other commodities like frozen orange juice and gold.

Though, of course, gold doesn't grow on trees like oranges.

- Clear so far? - Yeah.

Good, William. Now, some of our clients are speculating

that the price of gold will rise in the future.

And we have other clients who are speculating

that the price of gold is going to fall.

They place their orders with us and we buy or sell their gold for them.

Tell him the good part.

The good part, William, is that,

no matter whether our clients make money or lose money,

Duke & Duke get the commissions.

Well, what do you think, Valentine?

Well, it sounds to me like you guys are a couple of bookies.

I told you he'd understand.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened.

It's the same guy who tried to rob the payroll.

No doubt about it, that's him.

He planted the drugs on me.

Rahim, Mohammed, Larry. How you guys doing?

RAHIM: Hey, how you doing? LARRY: Hey, how you doing, baby?

You know those people?

He was wearing my Harvard tie.

Can you believe it? My Harvard tie. Like, oh, sure, he went to Harvard.

I mean, if he's being driven around in my car,

he could actually be living in my house.

Maybe he's even taken my job.

You know, for all I know,

right at this moment he could be fondling my fiancée.

And Coleman. After years of service, this betrayal.

I don't understand it.

There's going to be retribution. Oh, he's going to pay.

- The things that I am going to... - Shut up, Louis.

Listen, taxis cost money,

food costs money and rent costs money!

Now, you want me to help you out, I expect a lot in return.

These were here when I moved in. Put them on if you want.

Look, I cannot begin to tell you how much I appreciate this...

Ophelia.

Ophelia. You realize that that's the name...

I know, I know, I know. Hamlet's girlfriend.

He went crazy, she killed herself. This is not Shakespeare, Louis.

Look, I'm 24 years old.

I'm from a small, miserable little mining town you probably never heard of.

The only thing I've got going for me in this whole big, wide world

is this body, this face, and what I got up here.

I don't do drugs and I don't have a pimp.

This place is a dump,

but it's cheap, it's clean and it's all mine.

I've saved 42 grand and it's in T-Bills earning interest.

I figure, I got three more years on my back.

I'll have enough to retire on.

You're a prostitute?

I'm talking about a business proposition, Louis.

I help you get yourself back on your feet and you pay me, in cash, five figures.

That's the deal and it's not subject to negotiation.

Understood?

By the way,

food and rent are not the only things around here that cost money.

You sleep on the couch.

It's hit rock bottom. Come on, let's buy.

Mortimer Duke here. Buy 200 May belly contracts at 66.8.

Put them on my personal account.

That's a big mistake, man.

Valentine, something very important is going on here. Just watch.

All right, but you all gonna get reamed on this one.

Why shouldn't we buy now, William?

Price is going to keep going down.

Randolph, this isn't Monopoly money we're playing with.

This is Randolph Duke. Hold that belly order a moment.

Tell me just why you think the price of pork bellies is going down, William.

It's Christmastime. Everybody's uptight.

Could we please buy now, Randolph?

All right, if you want to lose money, go ahead.

What are you trying to say, William?

Okay. Pork belly prices have been dropping all morning.

Which means everybody's sitting in their office

and they're waiting for them to hit rock bottom

so they can buy cheap and go long.

So people that own the pork belly contracts are going bat shit.

'Cause they're thinking, "Hey, we're losing all our damn money

"and Christmas is around the corner.

"And I ain't gonna have no money to buy my son

"the G.l. Joe with the kung fu grip," okay?

"And my wife ain't gonna wanna...

"My wife ain't gonna make love to me 'cause I ain't got no money," right?

So they sitting there and they panicking.

They screaming, "Sell! Sell!"

'Cause they don't want to lose all their money, right?

They out there, panicking right now. I can feel it.

They out there. They panicking. Look at them.

He's right, Mortimer, my God, look at it.

I'd wait till you get to about 64, then I'd buy.

You'll have cleared out all the suckers by then.

Do you realize how much money he just saved us'?

Money isn't everything, Randolph.

Advise our clients interested in bellies to buy at 64.

Mr. Valentine has set the price.

Well clone, William. Very well clone.

Come on, Randolph, we're gonna be late.

Yo.

Mortimer dropped his money clip.

You can count it. It's all there, all of it.

Thank you, William.

It's all there, man, count it.

I'm sure it is, William. Thank you and keep up the good work.

All right, Randy. All right.

Nice try, Mortimer.

(MORTIMER SCOFFS)

(SINGING)

What do you think, huh?

That was great, that was really great.

- WOMAN: That's perfect. - TODD: Witherspoon.

...and she stepped on the ball.

Oh, my God, I don't believe it.

- There you are. - I think I'm going to be sick.

Don't worry, I'll handle this, pookums.

Todd, Harry, Andrew, Philip.

I realize this looks completely awful but I just wanted to assure you,

my friends, that I am completely innocent.

I'm going to fight this thing till the end.

Someone is out to get me and I know who it is.

The important thing is that I can rely on you,

my friends, as character witnesses.

I'm going to be defending myself

and, well, I wondered if you could see your way clear

to perhaps advance me a small loan until the hearing.

Frankly, Winthorpe, and I think I speak for all of us,

I think it shows incredibly bad taste

for you to come here and embarrass us all like this.

I believe I'm still a member of this club.

Nobody wants to buy your drugs here, Louis.

Now why don't you just go away?

Burned my fingers, man.

I beg your pardon?

Man, that watch is so hot, it's smoking.

Hot? Do you mean to imply stolen?

- I'll give you 50 bucks for it. -50 bucks?

No, no, no. This is a Rochefoucauld,

the thinnest water-resistant watch in the world.

Singularly unique, sculptured in design,

hand-crafted in Switzerland

and water-resistant to three atmospheres.

This is the sports watch of the '80s. $6,955 retail.

You got a receipt?

Look, it tells time simultaneously

in Monte Carlo, Beverly Hills, London, Paris, Rome and Gstaad.

In Philadelphia, it's worth 50 bucks.

Just give me the money.

How much for the gun?

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

So this snail is standing in front of the Cadillac salesman, see,

and he looks up at the salesman

and he says, "How much is that Cadillac?"

The snail says, "I want a big S put on each door, a big S,

"and on top of the car, I want another big S

"so everybody can see it."

So the salesman says, "But what do you want that for?"

He says, "Well, you see, when I drive down the avenue,

"I want everybody to say 'Look at that S car go."'

"Look at that S car go."

I'm considering going long on April wheat.

What do you think, Valentine?

I can think of three real good reasons

why you shouldn't do something like that, Judge.

One, the Russian wheat harvest isn't going to be as bad as everybody thinks.

And two...

And three, judging from all these jewels around your girlfriend's neck here,

I think you'll need every penny you've got just to keep her happy.

(WHISPERS)

103. That's it, you're staying in bed.

The man has moved into my house. He's stolen my job.

I have to do something.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Stay here.

It's 10:00. Here's Johnny.

Listen, baby, I'm sorry.

My mama just came in from out of town.

Can we do it next week?

Flowers for me?

Thanks.

(couemwe)

What are you doing?

You've got company. Business is business.

I'll go for a walk or something. The fresh air will do me good.

Lay down.

I'm sorry you had to cancel your appointment.

What are you doing?

Ophelia, I can't tell you how good that feels.

You've been so kind to me.

I'm just protecting my investment. That's all.

Shut up and go to sleep.

99 and a half. You're not getting out of bed, though, until it's normal.

I feel fine and I've inconvenienced you enough.

You have work to do and so do I.

Nobody works on Christmas Eve.

I'm gonna go shopping

and then I'm gonna come back and make you a nice quiet dinner.

Now, read your paper.

Christmas, huh?

I'll give him a Christmas present he'll never forget.

(JINGLE BELLS PLAYING)

(ALL CHATTERING)

William, where've you been? The party's already begun.

I have some work to finish in my office, Mr. Duke.

It's Christmas Eve and William wants to keep working, Mortimer.

I'll think of you in Stockholm, when I accept the Nobel Prize.

The wager has two parts as I recall.

Something about a second party turning to crime.

Didn't you say you had some work to do, Valentine?

Yes sir. I was wondering about this $10,000 check to Mr. Clarence Beeks.

I'll take care of it, Valentine.

I don't seem to recall any Clarence Beeks

working for the firm, Mr. Duke.

It was before you joined us, Valentine.

We did manage to stay in business for 47 years before your arrival.

Have a drink, William. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Duke.

- What? - Merry Christmas.

Oh, oh, Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Just what do you think you're doing?

Randolph! Mortimer!

Come in here quickly! I've finally caught him!

- Who are you? - I've caught him red-handed.

Winthorpe, is that you?

I'm making a citizen's arrest. This man is a drug dealer.

Look. Look, here in his office drawer, he's got all the bad drugs here.

Marijuana joints, pills, Quaalude,

Valium, yellow ones, red ones, cocaine grinder, drug needles.

He's the pusher, not me.

Really, I just came in and caught this man planting this stuff in my desk.

It's obviously some primitive attempt to try to frame me.

Frame you? Boy, if that isn't the pot calling the kettle black.

This man's obviously a lunatic. I'm calling security.

Put that phone down.

Hello, security, Merry Christmas.

You try to rob me, plant drugs on me.

You steal my house, my car, my job. You know, I ought to kill him right now.

Hey, look, man, this is a big misunderstanding, all right.

I don't know nothing about your house and your car and your job, really.

Could you put the gun away? Will you ask the Dukes?

Put that gun away at once, Winthorpe. Have you lost your mind?

Freeze, slime ball.

RANDOLPH: I realize this whole experience

must have been rather unsettling for you.

Winthorpe, don't leave. We can explain.

Yeah, you'll be sorry.

You'll all be very, very sorry.

(WINTHORPE SHOUTING)

Poor, deluded creature. We caught him pilfering at our club,

embezzling funds, selling drugs.

Now he's dressing up like Santa Claus.

Very sordid business.

I can't believe Winthorpe would fall to pieces like that.

It's none of my business, but that guy belongs behind bars.

- He's unemployed, Valentine. - It's no excuse, Mortimer.

He's flat broke, obviously hungry.

Oh, but he has money to buy drugs, right?

Listen, you can't be soft on people like that.

Take it from me. I know, Randolph.

RANDOLPH: Pay up, Mortimer, I've won the bet.

Here, $1.

We took a perfectly useless psychopath like Valentine,

and turned him into a successful executive.

And during the same time,

we turned an honest, hard-working man

into a violently deranged would-be killer.

Now, what are we going to do about taking Winthorpe back

and returning Valentine to the ghetto?

I don't want Winthorpe back after what he's done.

You mean keep Valentine on as managing director?

Do you really believe

I would have a nigger run our family business, Randolph?

Of course not. Neither would I.

I do think we should hold off on switching them back, though.

Until we get that crop report, New Year's Eve, don't you?

Absolutely. No sense rocking the boat until then.

If Mr. Beeks does what we paid him to do,

we should have a very happy New Year.

Indeed.

Hey, Winthorpe! Winthorpe!

(GRUNTING)

Hey.

Hey, Winthorpe. Hey, yo, Winthorpe!

Winthorpe. Yo.

Sorry about that.

No, no.

Hey. taxi!

(WATER DRIPPING)

(THUNDER CLAPPING)

(GUN CLICKS)

(GUN FIRING)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi, Louis. Merry Christmas.

Louis. Louis, when you get out, I have a big surprise for you.

Excuse me. The door was open...

I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm looking for a Louis Winthorpe.

Does he live here?

Wait here a minute, I'll be right back.

Louis. Louis, it's him. It's Valentine.

Louis. Louis.

Louis.

It was close, but he's going to be all right.

Now, make sure he gets plenty of rest.

And for God's sake, no excitement.

- Thanks, Doc. - Not at all.

- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas to you.

- I'll let myself out, Coleman. Thank you. - Thank you, Doctor.

- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.

It was a dream. I dreamt the whole thing.

It was just a bad dream.

Good morning, sir. Merry Christmas.

Coleman, I had the most absurd nightmare.

I was poor and no one liked me.

I lost my job, I lost my house. Penelope hated me.

And it was all because of this terrible, awful Negro.

(YELLS)

Oh, dear!

(CHOKING) It was the Dukes. It was the Dukes.

You're a dead man, Valentine!

Look, Louis.

It was an experiment. They used us as guinea pigs, man.

Dukes used us as guinea pigs.

To see how our lives would turn out. They made a bet.

- I'm afraid it's true, sir. - I believe him, Louis.

The Dukes ruined my life over a bet?

For how much?

A dollar.

$1.

Fine, that's the way they want it.

No problem.

You know, you can't just go around

and shoot people in the kneecaps with a double-barreled shotgun

'cause you're pissed at them.

Why not?

It's called assault with a deadly weapon. You get 20 years for that shit.

Listen, do you have any better ideas?

Yeah, you know, it occurs to me

that the best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people.

You have to admit, sir, you didn't like it yourself a bit.

NEWSCASTER: And now for the news.

Under heavy security,

the crop estimates for next year's orange crop

are being delivered from Miami

to the Department of Agriculture in Washington, DC.

Louis. Louis, that's him.

That's the guy who paid me to talk dirty to you.

In charge of security

is Mr. Clarence Beeks, head of Lyndhurst Security.

- Clarence Beeks! - Clarence Beeks!

The Dukes just gave that guy 10 grand.

Ten grand? I saw an outlay in the payroll to him for $50,000.

Mortimer said it was for research.

Yeah, research on how he can get his hands on that top secret crop report

two days before it goes public.

My God.

The Dukes are going to corner the entire frozen orange juice market.

Unless somebody stops them.

Or beats them to it.

Eggnog?

WOMAN: Duke & Duke, may I ask who's calling?

Duke & Duke, I'm afraid he's busy. Can you hold please?

May I help you?

Just a moment, Mr. Beeks, I'll put you right through.

Operation Strange Fruit proceeding according to plan.

I anticipate penetration and acquisition at 2100 tomorrow. Hold on.

Fuck off!

- When can we expect delivery? - I will be leaving DC by train.

We'll rendezvous at 2400 hours

at the Hilton hotel, parking level D, section 4.

- That's the orange section. - Orange, I like that. Very good.

The final payment is due on delivery in cash.

Jesus,hey!

Happy New Year!

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)

Ever make it with an ape?

Harvey, haven't you had enough to drink?

Are you kidding, it's not even New Year's Eve.

Come here, kiss this beautiful ape.

Come on, give me a little. Come on, just a little.

MAN ON PA: Harrisburg express.

Stairway C.

- What? - It's my turn to drive.

- No, it isn't. - Yes, it is.

Well, I'm sure you think it is, but it isn't.

MAN 1: No, don't you remember?

This morning, you drove the shipment of anchovy paste.

MAN 2: Yeah, I drove the anchovy paste,

but you had the videotape recorders this afternoon.

Well, I just... I backed them up about five feet.

We have to take turns. Sometimes it's longer,

sometimes it's shorter. It's my turn now.

- No, it isn't. - Yes, it is.

No.

- Merry New Year. - Happy New Year.

In this country, we say, "Happy New Year."

Thank you for correcting my English, which stinks.

I am Nanga Eboko, exchange student from Cameroon.

(SINGING GIBBERISH)

Beefjerky time.

- You want some beef jerky? - No, please.

There's plenty, you know.

This animal's being routed through to New York.

Its care and feeding instructions are on this bill of lading.

Okay, gotcha.

Now, I doubt if you'll have any problems, but if you do,

there's a tranquillizer gun in the first-aid kit.

Oh, yeah?

Say, have you guys been drinking?

No, sir. Not us.

There's enough drunks on this train already.

Happy New Year.

Oh, that's kind of you, son. And a happy New Year to you, too.

Could I offer either of you two gentlemen

a wee jolt of Irish whiskey to usher in the New Year?

Not for me, pal.

I do not drink. It is against my religion.

I always say, religion's a fine thing, taken in moderation.

- Beefjerky? - Oh, no, son, thank you very much.

No, it gives me the wind, something terrible.

We are moving! We are moving!

New York, here we come!

Come in, my child, join the party.

Let me see now, you would be from Austria. Am I right?

- No, I am Inga from Sweden. - Sweden?

But you're wearing lederhosen.

Ja, for sure, from Sweden.

Please to help me with my rucksack.

Oh yeah, sure, why not?

(GROWLING)

I'm hungry, man. I have got to get something more to eat.

Well, maybe there's some pretzels in the bar car.

(CHATTERING)

(CHATTERING)

You're welcome!

- Who is that? - Open the door, man.

I'm dressed as a baggage handler.

You can imagine how embarrassed I was

when I saw that there was someone

at the party with the same costume I had.

Monkey? Monkey? I'm a fucking gorilla, you clown!

(GIBBERING)

I certainly hope there's enough space on the train for me.

Nanga, Nanga Eboko, from Cameroon.

Do you remember me? It's Lionel Joseph.

Lionel, from the African Education Conference, right?

Yes, aye, man. I was director of cultural events

at the Haile Selassie pavilion.

I remember the pavilion. We had big fun there.

(SINGING GIBBERISH)

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLARING)

Now that we are all here, we will have a picnic, ja?

Yeah.

You will help me get my rucksack down for the Swedish meatballs.

- Remember the one we did? - Yeah.

(BOTH SINGING GIBBERISH)

- The memories. - All day long I could tell those stories.

- Those were the good ones, man. - The good old days, man.

There you are, sweet pea.

So the train will be pulling into Philadelphia soon.

Will you be getting off at the City of Brotherly Loves, Mr. Beeks?

Yeah, I will, but you won't,

Winthorpe.

- See if this one's empty. - Hey, back off.

I'll rip out your eyes and piss on your brain.

- Excuse me. - You got it.

All right. On your feet. Up, let's go.

Bunch of fucking weirdos! We're going to take a little walk.

And don't try anything funny or the whore loses a kidney. Let's go.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

- No, I'm from Sweden. - Hey, beat it.

Hey, I'm King Kong. I'm the biggest, baddest boy in the jungle.

Get lost, you maggot.

Hey, who is that guy, your father or something?

BEEKS: All right, hold it right here.

- WINTHORPE: Oh, honestly, Beeks. - This is as far as we go.

No more cockamamie cigar smoke.

No more Swedish meatballs there, tootsie.

And no more phony Irish whiskey.

No more goddamn jerky beef.

The party's over.

The party's over. Hey, come on. What do you mean, "The party's over"?

It's not even 10:00, you dummy.

Hey, come on. Loosen up, man. It's almost New Year's Eve.

(GROWLING)

Hey, look what happened to me, huh?

(MUFFLED GRUNTING)

Sometimes, they look so human, it gives you the creeps.

Boy, that other one's getting kinda horny, ain't he?

Think we ought to hit him up with the tranquillizer gun?

It's New Year's. Let them have their fun.

(BEEKS GRUNTING)

That black one must be the female.

- Where is he? - Beeks. Are you there, Beeks?

I'm over here.

That's far enough.

Did you get the report?

Let's see the money.

Okay, toss it over.

RANDOLPH: Thank you, Beeks.

Wonderful news. Wonderful.

Beeks, Happy New Year.

My life savings, sir. Try not to lose it.

Lose it? Coleman, in a couple hours,

you're going to be the richest butler that ever lived, man.

I worked real hard for this, Louis. Hope you know what you're doing.

- Thank you, Ophelia. - What are you doing?

MAN ON PA.' 1031...

- That's us, Louis. -...en route to New York and Boston.

Coleman, would you please.

Thank you.

I could use a stiff drink. Would you care to join me?

- Good morning, Mr. Duke. - Wilson.

- Good morning, Mr. Duke. - Wilson.

Keep the change.

Think big, think positive. Never show any sign of weakness.

Always go for the throat.

Buy low, sell high. Fear, that's the other guy's problem.

Nothing you have ever experienced

can prepare you for the unbridled carnage you're about to witness.

The Super Bowl, the World Series, they don't know what pressure is.

In this building, it's either kill or be killed.

- That's right. - You make no friends in the pits

-and you take no prisoners. - No prisoners.

One minute you're up half a million in soybeans, and the next, boom.

Your kids don't go to college and they've repossessed your Bentley.

- Are you with me? - Yeah.

We've got to kill the motherfucker... We've got to kill them.

We want you to buy as much OJ as you can, the instant trading starts.

Don't worry if the price starts going up, just keep buying.

But, gentlemen, they're gonna broadcast

the crop report in an hour, what if...

Let us worry about that, Wilson.

Yes, sir.

- How's the ulcer, Harry? - Pretty good. How's the hypertension?

Hasn't bothered me in months.

(BELL RINGING)

Let's kick some ass.

(ALL CHATTERING)

WINTHORPE: Well, this is it. The last bastion of pure capitalism left on Earth.

Here in New York they trade everything, gold, silver, platinum,

heating oil, propane, cocoa and sugar

and, of course, frozen, concentrated orange juice.

Now, the people on the phones are taking orders

from brokerage houses all over the world.

The runners then hand those orders to the traders in the pits.

They're trading cotton over there. And that's the silver pit.

Now the Dukes' trader is going to be buying like crazy right from the opening.

VALENTINE: We'll be waiting until he drives the price up?

Right. I can't wait to see his face when they broadcast that genuine crop report.

OJ trading opens at 9:00.

VALENTINE: Let's go kick some butt. WINTHORPE: Let's go.

(BELL BUZZING)

-102 bid for... - MAN: Sold!

Hey, hey. The Dukes are trying to corner the market.

- They know something, I can feel it. - Let's get in on it.

200, taken.

- MANI 130. -200, 200.

Louis!

Not yet, almost.

MAN 1: 220, take them. MAN 2: 209.

- Yeah, yeah, got them. - MAN 3: 139.

Now! Sell, 200 April at 142.

(LOUD CHATTERING)

That's not right. How can the price be going down?

Something's wrong. Where's Wilson?

VALENTINE: Sell, sell, sell.

What are they doing here?

- They're selling, Mortimer. - Why, that's ridiculous.

Unless that crop report...

God help us.

I told you we shouldn't have committed everything, you asshole.

We've got to get Wilson and tell him to sell.

MAN ON TV: Ladies and gentlemen, the Secretary of Agriculture.

Ladies and gentlemen, the orange crop estimates for the next year.

After calculating the estimates from various orange-producing states,

we have concluded the following.

The cold winter has apparently not affected the orange harvest.

Consumers can expect orange and orange juice prices to fall...

RANDOLPH: Wilson, for Christ's sake, sell.

- Buy them. - Sold!

- Sold! - Sold!

Selling!

Selling. Sell.

Sold!

36!

25!

Selling.

All right. I'll buy. 15.

Wilson, where are you going?

You idiot. Get back in there at once and sell, sell.

But I... l'vejust... I've...

(BUZZING)

-5. - Yeah, 200. Thank you, brother.

-100. - Yeah, that was 100.

- So did you get the hundred? - I got that.

- Five with you, man, five. - Louis, that was 100 lots.

Hundred?

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Happy New Year.

- Winthorpe. - Valentine.

- Hey, how'd you all make out today? - How could you do this to us,

after everything we've done for you?

Oh, see, I made Louis a bet here.

Louis bet me that we couldn't both get rich

and put you all in the poorhouse at the same time.

He didn't think we could do it. I won.

I lost.

-$1. - Thank you, Louis.

- After you. - Certainly.

Margin call, gentlemen.

Why, you can't expect us to...

You know the rules of the exchange, Mr. Duke.

All accounts to be settled at the end of the day's trading,

without exception.

You know perfectly well, we don't have $394 million in cash.

I'm sorry, boys.

Put the Duke brothers' seats on the exchange up for sale at once.

Seize all assets of Duke & Duke commodities brokers,

as well as all personal holdings of Randolph and Mortimer Duke.

My God, we're ruined.

This is an outrage. I demand an investigation.

You can't sell our seats.

A Duke has been sitting on this exchange since it was founded.

We founded this exchange. It's ours.

- It belongs to us. - My God.

Mortimer, your brother's not well. We'd better call an ambulance.

Fuck him! Now you listen to me. I want trading reopened, right now.

Get those brokers back in here! Turn those machines back on!

Turn those machines back on!

You and your Nobel Prize, you idiot!

Where's Beeks? Where in hell is Beeks?

- Beeks! - Yeah, I forgot all about that guy.

(SHIP HORN BLARING)

Okay, one male gorilla.

Hey, wait a minute. There's two of them in that cage.

One gorilla, two gorillas. Big deal.

The whole bunch is getting sent back to Africa.

It's a big scientific experiment.

What do I know? Anyway, take a look, they're in love.

- Hey, Coleman! - COLEMAN: Yes?

What shall we do about lunch? The lobster or the cracked crab?

- What do you think? - Can't we have both?

Why not?

- Demitri. - Sir.

- Lobster and cracked crab for everyone. - Extra primo good, Mr. Coleman, sir.

Looking good, Billy Ray.

Feeling good, Louis.