All language subtitles for Ted.2.2015.720p.BluRay.x264-BLOW.HI

MALE NARRATOR:
We are often told

that happily-ever-afters exist only in
the pages of fairy tales

and in the naive minds
of sheltered innocents.

And yet, on this bright,
sunny, Boston afternoon,

a talking teddy bear is about
to marry his girlfriend,

proving two things.

Happy endings can
come true for anyone.

And America doesn't give
a shit about anything.

Do you,
Tami-Lynn McCafferty,

take this teddy bear to be
your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

SAM: And do you, Ted,

take this woman to be your
lawfully wedded wife?

Fuckin' A right, I do!

(GIGGLES)

Then, by the power
vested in me,

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

You may kiss the bear.

(ALL CHEERING)

WEDDING ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
your newlyweds!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Teddy, this is
the best day of my life!

I just love you so much.

I love you, too, baby.

I'm gonna go fifty shades
of bear on you tonight.

Let's go get shit-faced!

Okay!

Thank you.

Hey, congrats,
you mofos.

Oh, hey, Guy.

Beautiful ceremony.

Oh. Thank you so much
for being a part of it.

Hey, this is my new boyfriend,
Rick.

How you doing?

Good, good.

He's a gourmet chef.
So he knows how to toss a salad.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Rick and I are actually
about to tie the knot.

Oh, you guys
are getting married?

No, we're just gonna go home
and tie our dicks together.

Ha! Fuck you.
Fuck you.

Deal.

TED: Hey, buddy.
You okay, there?

You look a little down.

Are you still shaking off that
hangover from the bachelor party?

Oh!
That's nice.

Oh, my God.
She's fucking begging for it!

(LAUGHS) She's totally begging. Get it.
Get in there.

Look at her.
She wants it bad!

JOHN: Oh, yeah.
She wants more

than just a fucking pizza delivery, huh?
(MEN LAUGHING)

TED: That's bigger than the average
bear right there, I tell you.

JOHN: You know what's fucked up?
Dude, that's somebody's fucking daughter!

MAN: Oh, shit!
Jesus! Come on!

I'm fine.
I was thinking about Lori.

Oh, Johnny,
come on, man.

It's been six months
since you guys got divorced.

I know, I know.
It's just that...

Being back in
that church again.

I mean, everything seemed like
it was gonna be so perfect.

Yeah. Well, you're
not the first guy

to marry the wrong girl.

Hey, hey!
Big day, huh, bud?

You guys wanna celebrate with a little
something else, hmm?

Oh. Uh, no, thanks, Sam.
Tami-Lynn would kill me

if I did drugs
on our wedding day.

Ah, she won't notice.

I just did a line with a dude
in the men's room

and I bet you
can't even spot him.

(GLASS BREAKS)

Yeah, I'm gonna pass.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING) I'm steppin' out
with my honey

Can't be bad to feel so good

Never felt quite so sunny

So I keep on knockin' wood

Yeah, steppin' out
with my baby

Can't go wrong
'cause I'm in right

Ask me when will the day be

The big day may be tonight

TED: This is the best
day of my life!

(TEMPO INCREASES)

(MUSIC ENDS)

I'm starving.
What the hell are you doing over there?

I'm curing cancer.

I'm cooking your fucking steak.
What do you think I'm doing?

What do I think
you're doing?

I think you're bleeding us dry,
is what I think you're doing.

Look at this, look at this.
$129 at Filene's Basement.

What are you buying over there, Tami?
Gold bars?

I need clothes for work.
All right, Teddy?

What do you mean?
You wear a smock, you're a fucking cashier.

Yeah? So are you!

Yeah, exactly! And I'm not going out
and buying designer shit!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

You're just buying weed,
you're just buying drugs.

You should fucking talk!

I was talking. I was just talking,
just now, until you interrupted me.

Well, I have to
interrupt you or else

I never get to
fucking say anything!

Are you gonna let
me finish talking?

You're always cutting me off!

Are you gonna let
me finish talking?

Are you gonna let
me finish talking?

It's important to
look good at work.

I am trying to climb
the corporate fence, here!

Nobody's in there
to look at your ass!

You're acting like an asshole!

Oh, what am I
acting like, Tami?

You're acting like
a fucking asshole!

Like an asshole!
That's what you're acting like!

You don't got to dress like Elizabeth Taylor
to put a yam in a plastic bag!

I am the face
of the business! Okay?

The face of the business?
So get the fuck off my case!

Jesus Christ! Listen to you!
You're delusional!

I should've married Robert DiCicco.
I really should've.

Fine! Fine!
Go torture that asshole!

He treated me good!

And (GASPS) he had a dick!
He had an awesome dick!

Oh, newsflash!
Boston whore has seen Italian penis.

What the fuck did you
just call me, fucker?

What did you fucking say?

Jesus!
What the fuck?

You wanna call me
a whore?

You wanna throw shit?

Yeah, I wanna
fucking throw shit!

I'll fucking throw shit!
(GRUNTS)

Oh. Wow. There, see!
How do you like that?

I'm scared, Teddy!

I'm really fucking scared of you,
you little fucking bear!

NEIGHBOR:
Shut the fuck up!

Oh, for Christ's sake!

Hey, you shut the fuck up!

Why don't you come down
and make me, tough guy?

Yeah, why don't you
come up here

and make me come
down there, tough guy?

I am gonna come up there
and I'm gonna kick your fucking ass!

Yeah, why don't you
try it, asshole?

Get your ass up here
and kick my ass!

(SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Shut the fuck up,
you stupid bitch!

Hey, shut up, lady!

Run the fuck back
to Russia, you whore!

Get the fuck out of here!

People are trying to sleep!

God damn it!

Shut the fuck up!

Hey, I'm really sorry!
Yeah, me, too.

She's worse than us.

Yeah, she's our enemy now.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(EXHALES)

Have you guys at least tried
marriage therapy?

Oh, God, yeah.
It was a frigging disaster.

$250 and we didn't
learn a goddamn thing.

$250? Dude,
that's ridiculous!

I mean, doesn't your insurance cover
that or something?

Nah, Tami-Lynn tried
to sign up for Obamacare on the Internet,

but I came back
five minutes later,

she was looking
at black cocks.

It seems like every
time you go online,

you're two clicks away
from black cocks.

Look.

See, I'll google
"Grand Canyon."

Here. Look, it says,
"Did you mean black cocks?"

I don't know, man.
I got to do something

or my marriage is
gonna collapse. (SIGHS)

Here you go, guys.

We're gonna be
closing in a few,

but I'm going to
this after-hours thing

at my friend's apartment,
if you wanna join.

Oh, thanks, Allison.
But I got an early day tomorrow.

Oh, okay.

Well, if you change your mind,
here's the address.

I put my cell number
on there, too.

Oh, my God!
Are you fucking kidding me?

What?

What do you mean, "What?"
After hours?

Jesus, Johnny,
she totally wants to sleep with you.

I'm not into it.

John, you've been saying that
for over a year-and-a-half

about every chick that
throws herself at you.

You got to get back
in the game, man!

No, don't start
this shit, all right?

Look, I wasted
six years of my life

with the wrong girl
and I got burned.

I'm not gonna make that
same mistake again.

Jesus, Johnny,
you don't got to marry Allison.

You just got to bang her and
maybe pee on her a little.

What?

It's always good to find new
ways to surprise your lover.

Yeah, I got
to take a leak.

(EXHALES)

Sorry, Allison. I tried.

(SIGHS) It's okay.
I just wish he wasn't so goddamn cute.

Yeah. Hey, can I get
a Jack Daniel's

with just a splash
of Grey Goose?

Wish I could help you,
but we're closing.

Come on, one drink and I promise
I won't tell anybody

that Jay Leno comes in here
for gay bathroom sex.

JOHN: Hey, what the fuck are
you doing? Get off of me!

Sorry, my mistake.

(STRAINING) There we go.
Thanks a lot, come again.

Hey.

Hello.

I'd, uh, like to ask a few questions
about this breakfast cereal.

Uh, yeah, yeah.
Box of Trix.

That's right.

I've been led to understand that Trix are
exclusively for children.

Is that correct?

I... I mean, they say, uh,
"Trix are for kids" in the commercials.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

And is that enforced by law?

Uh, not to my knowledge, no.

So if I purchase these Trix,
there'll be no trouble?

No. No, you...
You should be fine.

You do understand
that I myself am not a child?

Uh, I was able to
sniff that out, yeah.

Okay, I'm going to bring
these back to my apartment.

Uh, yeah, yeah.
You'll... You'll be okay.

And, uh,
I won't be followed?

Uh, no, that's...
That's not in our budget here.

Hey.

I won't forget what you've done
for me here today.

I would prefer that you do.

Jesus Christ.

(SIGHS)

You two still not talking?

No.

Honest to God,
Joy, I don't know how to fix this.

I mean, how the hell
do you take

a broken marriage
and make it work again?

Well, I'll tell you one way.
You have yourselves a baby.

A baby?

Uh-huh. Look at that.

You see them two
white niggas over there?

(INDISTINCT)
Yeah. What?

Look at them.
They're so happy.

Because they got that little baby
keeping them together.

If they didn't have that baby,

they'd just be two
sad-ass white niggas

waiting for
Downtown Abbey to come on.

Why, you said it twice.
Is that an actual phrase?

I'm telling you, Ted,

y'all better have a baby
or your marriage is over. Trust.

(PRICING GUN CLICKING)

Uh, hey.

Go away, Teddy.

Tami, listen, I just
wanna talk to you. Okay?

Will you just listen
to me for one second?

Why? So you can
give me shit about my clothes?

No! Look, I'm sorry about that,
okay? I'm sorry.

I was an asshole
and I didn't mean it.

You know, whatever, Teddy.

Tami, (SIGHS) listen.
I love you.

Okay? And...
And I don't want us

to fight like we've been doing
the past few months.

I don't know, Teddy.
Something's got to change, you know?

Because I can't do this no more.
It's too much.

I know, I know, I know.
And... And that's why...

I wanna have a baby.

You do?

Yeah.

A baby? Like really?

Yeah.

See, I think,
if we got a kid to love,

it'll teach us how to
love each other again.

Oh, my God, Teddy.

You better not be
messing with me.

I swear to God,
not messing with you.

I think you'd make
an awesome mom.

Oh, my God!
Are you kidding me?

I would, like, kick so much ass at mommin'!
(CHUCKLES)

So what do you say?
We all good?

Yes! Oh, I love you!

I love you so much!

Oh, baby, I love you, too!
(SMOOCHES)

Let's make a baby!
Let's make a baby!

(EXCLAIMS)
(KISSES)

(FLICKING LIGHTER)

Okay, you ready?
Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here it comes.
Okay, okay. I'm ready.

(JOHN HUMMING) TED: (SINGING)
Let's all go to court

Let's go make some law now

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Some law now

I say we go to court!

JOHN: Yes, let's go to court!

TED: We're a bunch of
assholes who take up

a whole hallway
with our conversation.

(SINGING) Hey, you lawyer guys

You don't know me and
Johnny are watching you

While we're high

That was fucking magic.

That felt smooth.
That felt really smooth. Oh!

So in the pocket.

Hey, so, uh, listen,
I got, uh...

I got some big news
to tell ya.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

Tami-Lynn and I are
gonna have a baby!

Holy shit! You?

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, yeah,
we talked about it today.

Dude, that's fucking awesome!
Congratulations!

Thank you!

Wait, wait, wait.
How... How... How do you guys...

Well, yeah, that's the thing. We... We,
uh... We got to find a sperm donor.

And, um, I'm wondering,
what do you think

Sam Jones would say
if I asked him?

You want Flash Gordon
to father your child?

Yeah, I mean,
do you think...

Would that be weird?
Would he be freaked out if I...

No, I think he'd be flattered!

And plus, your baby
will be a fucking superhero!

Well, that was the logic
I arrived at as well.

Yeah, I say do it!

All right. I'll shoot
him an e-mail right now,

and see if I can
stop by tonight.

You come with me?
Sure.

All right, great.

Shit.

I can never get a signal in your
apartment. Hey, can I use your laptop?

Yeah, go ahead.
Okay, thanks.

(SHOUTS)
What the fuck?

Holy shit! Dude, what's the matter?
What happened?

What's going on?

There's so much porn!

Well, what the hell are you doing
looking at my private shit?

What are you talking about, "private shit"?
Johnny, it was wide open!

There are literally
thousands of files here!

Well, I've been meaning
to clear some of that out.

Jesus Christ. Look at
the organization here!

Clockwise rim job.
Counterclockwise rim job!

Yeah, well, sometimes you like seeing
the tongue go the other way!

You sick bastard!
Look at this! Chicks with dicks?

Oh, my God! (SOBS)
I have a disease, all right?
I need help!

There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny!
Only guys with tits!

Oh, this is such a relief!

I'm so glad I'm finally caught.
I wanted to be caught!

Johnny, now you listen to me.
This is a wake-up call, all right?

You got to get back out there
and meet somebody

because you are spiraling
out of control here.

All right, fine, I will.
Just stop looking at that shit, please!

Johnny, I mean it. All right?

The next chick you meet,
you are getting back in the game.

Fine, I got it. Done.

All right.
Now, let's get rid of this.

What do you mean?
We'll just delete the files!

No, no, no. That shit can
always be recovered.

We got to smash your
laptop with a hammer.

All right, there, you happy?

No, the circuits could still be
reconstructed if somebody worked at it.

We got to bury it
in the harbor.

TED: So, uh, basically that's it.
We need a sperm donor.

So what do ya say?

You'd really be
helping me and Tami out.

No can do, my brother.

Well...
Well, why not?

Oh, look, I did a lot
of blow in the '80s

and my sperm count's
a little low.

Oh. How low?

One.

One?

Yeah, little fella's having his own
I Am Legend in my nut sack.

Oh. Can we have that one?

No! Gonna need it for protein
if I ever get lost at sea.

Come on, guys.
I mean, are we done here?
I got to go.

That Sister, Sister marathon
ain't gonna watch itself.

TED: Can't believe it.
That son of a bitch!

That was really
selfish of him.

I know. And after
I watched his

piece-of-shit movie,
like, a hundred times.

God damn it!

(ALARM BLARING)

Ah!
Oh, shit!

Johnny, please, just help me
do this. Okay?

He's the only guy
in the world whose sperm

is even close to
Flash Gordon's.

Ted, it's insane.
We could get in a lot of trouble.

But not if nobody finds out.

Look, look, John, John.

We sneak into his house,
jerk him off in his sleep

and sneak out with the sperm.
It'll be easy!

And think how awesome
the baby will be.

Would be
a sweet-ass fucking baby.

All right, I'll help you.
But we got to have a game plan.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(SIGHING)

(SOFTLY) Just calm down.

Yeah, can I help you?

Hey! Um, are you,
uh, Tom Brady?

Yeah.

JOHN: Um, hey. Um...

Your neighbors called,

and your air conditioner's
making a loud noise

so I'm supposed to
check out the unit.

Uh, okay.
Yeah, it's around back.

Okay. Um, I just may need
a signature in case

I got to get some parts,
for the billing.

You could just, uh, write that to
John and Ted. Put number 12.

And you're not a cheater.
I mean, I think your balls are perfect.

It's around back.
All right. Yeah.

(CRACKLING)

Stupid idiot.

TED: Okay. Go, go, go!

Take the damn raincoat off.
It's making too much noise.

Piss off! I don't wanna get
any jizz on me!

Two League MVPs,
four Super Bowl rings,

guaranteed first
ballot Hall of Famer.

Now let's give him a handjob
into this red Solo cup.

(WHISPERS)
All right. Go ahead.

Wait, what do you mean,
"Go ahead"? You got to do it.

What are you talking about?
You're the one who needs the sperm.

Yeah, but it's got
to be a human hand.

It's got to be skin on skin,
otherwise it doesn't work.

No, it doesn't.
It's just friction.

Look, I've never done this before.
Neither have I.

You do it to yourself.
Yeah, but that's different.

You're an adult with a poster of
this guy in your fucking room.

You're telling me
you don't want this?

Yeah, I want it! You know I want it,
but I'm nervous.

What if he doesn't like the way
I'm doing it? He deserves the best!

Pull yourself together,
for God's sakes.

He's gonna love it.
Go, go, go!

All right.

(GASPS)

Sweet God and baby Jesus.

(BREATHES SHAKILY)

And that's at rest.

(SHOUTS) What the hell?

Mr. Brady, we just need
a moment of your time.

What are you doing here?
Who are you?

Get out of my house!

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

TED: Oh, God!
Ahhh!

(STUTTERS) Wait, Mr. Brady!

Take your goddamn
teddy bear with you!

(TED YELLS)

Holy shit!
Perfect spiral!

Come on,
let's get out of here!

Shit!

What the hell do we do now?

(PANTING)

Hey, Ted, let me
ask you something.

What's that?

Why didn't you
just come to me?

What are you talking about?

For the sperm.

Oh. Johnny, you kidding me, man?
You were the first person I wanted to go to.

But you've just
been so bummed out

over your divorce lately

that I just... You know, I didn't want
to put you in an awkward position.

And plus,
after seeing your laptop,

I didn't think
you had any left.

Just so you know,
I'm totally willing to do it.

Really? You'd...
You'd do that for me?

Ted, you're my best friend.
I'd do anything for you.

Besides, we just broke into Tom Brady's
house and tried to jerk him off...

You're ready to be a parent.

God... (CHUCKLES)

I don't know what to say.

Johnny, thank you!
Thank you so much!

Hey, thunder buddies
for life, remember?

Thunder buddies for life.

Come on. We got to get out of here
before the cops show up.

MALE OFFICER: All units,
we have a 3-17 on Maple Drive.
Area units, please respond.

What's a 3-17?

Someone's trying to steal
Tom Brady's jizz again.

(SIREN BLARING)
(TIRES SCREECH)

What is that?
What?

What are you doing?
I'm getting ready, dude.

What do you mean
you're getting ready?

What are you doing
to your hand?

I'm doing this for you.
I'm getting ready.
I got to go in and perform.

You got your hand on your dick.
What are you doing?

I'm trying
to get it half hard,

so when I get in there
I could just bust it out.

Sitting out here in public,
jerking off?

Where do you think you are?
Red Lobster?
What are you doing?

What do you think
I got to do in there?

Forget it.
Now, look, you haven't

smoked pot for two
whole days, right?

Yes, I told you, I'm clean, all right?
Your baby's gonna be fine.

I'm sorry,
I just don't want something

I got to feed with
a pitchfork when he's 16.

"John Bennett."

Hi.

Right this way. I'll show you where to
deposit your specimen.

Hey, Johnny. Johnny.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm John Bennett.

(LAUGHS) I know,
I just said your name.

Oh, right, yeah, sorry,
I'm just a little nervous.

I've been out of
the game for a while.

The game?

I don't talk to pretty girls that often.
Pretty women, ladies.

I see.

Hey, when I'm done here,
how about a drink?

(STAMMERS) Oh. I don't mean this.
I meant, like, a regular drink.

I have a boyfriend.

Oh. Yeah, okay, yeah.
Too bad. You're missing out on a great guy.

Um, do I just spit in
my hand or do I get

a lube or something?
A magazine?

Video? I like Asian
teen stuff preferably.

There's lube right there.

All right,
yeah, thanks.

Uh, excuse me.
Where's your non-jerk-off bathroom?

Down that hallway,
to the left.

Okay, thanks.

Oh. No way!
(CHUCKLES)

Oh, hey, Doc, is this where you guys
store all the, uh, stuff?

It's the intermediary station
before insemination.

Are you submitting?

No. My friend is, uh, yanking out
a sample in one of the rooms.

Oh, well, that's a good friend.
Yeah.

I'm Dr. Danzer.

Oh, cool. (CHUCKLES)

(SINGING)
Hold me closer, Dr. Danzer

Yeah, whatever,
I don't know.

Now, wait. You look familiar.
Are you that teddy bear who came alive?

I am. That's me, yeah.

See, I was trying
to figure out

where I'd seen you
before and that's it.

Good eye, good eye.

So, how did you get into this line
of work? Do you just love cum?

Uh, uh...

Not especially, but I love
helping good people

fulfill their dreams
of having children.

It's amazing
what we can do here.

You want to have a look?

Yeah, sure.

This is where we perform our
pre-implantation genetic diagnosis.

We can eliminate
hereditary diseases,

such as cystic fibrosis,
muscular dystrophy, sickle-cell anemia.

The list goes on and on, really.

Wow.

Hey, Johnny! You did it!

Right here, buddy.

Ew. I mean, awesome!
(CHUCKLES)

Excuse me, Doctor,
your wife's on the phone.

She said it's an emergency.

Excuse me, I'll be right back.

You wanna see it? Huh?
You wanna see your kid?

I can see it from here,
thanks, yeah.

Dude, take a closer look.
It's your kid.

No, no, no!
Come on!

You got to take a closer look.
That's close enough, Johnny!

He's beautiful. Come on!
I'll trade you. Catch.

Oh, shit!
Oh, God!

Fuck! Dude,
that's somebody's kid!

Well, it's not my fault,
A-Rod! You were supposed to catch it!

We got to find something
to scoop it up.

There's containers over there.
Scoop it up with that.

Shit. All right.

TED: No, no,
that's not gonna work.

You need two of them.
You got to scoop one into the other.

Oh, shit! Fuck!

TED: Oh!
Oh, fuck!

Oh, my God!

Fuck! Fuck!

Oh, my God! It's in my eyes!

I'm blinking it in!

(GAGGING)
You got to fucking help me!

Oh, my God!
It's in my fucking mouth!

Hang on. I got to
post this on Facebook.

No!
(CAMERA CLICKS)

Hashtag "Grr, Mondays."

(GASPS)
Oh, my God!

Look, I'm so sorry! We swear to God,
it was an accident.

We're so sorry.

Well, I guess it's all right.
Those are the rejected sickle-cell samples.

Ah, you hear that,
Johnny?

You're covered in
rejected black-guy sperm.

You look like a Kardashian.

Fuck!

No, make sure you
have all the updated

information on our
Comic Con placement.

This has to be the biggest,
most impressive rollout at the convention.

Morning, Mr. Jessup.

Good morning. Now...

My name's Donny.

(SIGHS) Hi, Donny.
Hi.

Now this is
a multi-platform release,

so I want a full
report on all...

Fresh cakes.

What?

In the urinals, sir.

I noticed you always
use urinal four,

so I put fresh cakes
in there for you.

You're an important man.
You should never have to smell pee.

See, most people
flip the cakes.

I replace the cakes.

That's the Donny difference.

I need a full report on all the
placement of our merchandise.

Contact Bob Jennings
at Javits...

I'm afraid I have bad news.

I won't be able to perform
the implantation procedure.

Wait, what?
Why not?

Tami-Lynn, according to your test results,
you're no longer fertile.

What?

Wait, Doc,
are you sure about that?

I mean, maybe you should check again
or something, you know?

I'm quite sure.

Tami-Lynn, because of your history
of excessive drug use

your ovarian canal
has been somewhat compromised.

What are you talking about?
It looks fine. Yeah.

Forgive me,
that's a normal ovary.

This is Tami-Lynn's.

TED: Jesus!

Yeah, but I bet this
stuff happens a lot.

You probably see this kind
of stuff all the time, right?

No, not once, not ever.

When I saw this, I threw up.
Almost quit medicine.

Bottom line is,
insemination is not possible.

(SOBS) I don't understand, okay?
None of this makes any sense.

It's okay. It's okay, honey.
Come on, let's just go.

No, what does
this mean, Teddy?

Does it mean we
can't have a baby?

I don't know.
But it's gonna be okay.

Everything's gonna be okay.

It really isn't.

Well, I have gone
through your application

and vetted your
personal histories,

and I'm afraid this
isn't gonna work out.

What?

Why not?

Well, first of all,
there's the question

of Tami-Lynn's
drug conviction.

Hey, I did my community service.

Yeah, besides, that was five years ago.
She's clean.

There's another issue,

and, honestly,
it's the more serious one.

I was reluctant to
bring it up because

it's a little awkward.

Ted, in the eyes of the state,
you are not a person.

Wait, what?

The state official
I spoke to said

that technically, you are
classified as property.

I'm not a person?

Not according to
the government. I'm sorry.

But that is so fucked up!

"Property"?

You know what, Teddy?
Let's get out of here.

Come on.

(SIGHS)

Look.

You seem like good people.

Be careful.

What do you mean, "Be careful"?

The state official I spoke to

made it sound like your status had
gone under the radar for some time.

Your adoption request
may have raised some red flags.

If they choose to
investigate the issue,

it may leave you
quite vulnerable.

Hey. I just got off work
and heard your message.

Is that for real?
Did they actually tell you that?

Yeah, it's unbelievable.
"Property."

They said I'm property.

What does that even mean?
Like, you're a thing?

What, like garbage
or a piece of shit?

I mean, maybe more like a hammer
or an orange, but yeah.

What the hell
do they know?

It's just a word.

They can't change your whole
life just by calling you property!

Bullshit!
You better ask my ancestors.

One minute, you in Africa,
washing your clothes

in the river,
titties out. You good.

Then all of a sudden,
you somewhere

across the world,
fucking Thomas Jefferson.

Wow! You make
history come alive.

Why the hell is this
just coming up now?

I mean, I've never voted.

I don't have a driver's license,
I don't pay taxes.

I mean, hell, this is
the first job I ever had.

Ted, can I see you
for a moment?

I'm sorry,

but I'm gonna
have to let you go.

What? Why? I've been busting
my ass at this job for three years!

I just got a call from
the Labor Department.

I can't legally keep
you on as an employee

because I've been informed
that you're technically...

Technically not a person.
Yeah. Jesus Christ!

I'm sorry. But as of today,
you're fired.

(SIGHS)

"Dear Ted,
your Chase bank account

"has been terminated due to
a lack of citizenship."

"Dear Ted, your Discover card
has been revoked."

"Dear Ted, you are no longer
a Papa Gino's rewards member."

Fuck, that's a big one.

This poor baby bootie.

It's always gonna be empty.
There's never gonna be a little foot in here.

I don't understand.
We would have made such great parents.

(INHALES)

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Teddy!

(STUTTERS)
What? What's wrong?

Look at this.

(SOBBING) "Dear Ted,

"the state of Massachusetts
regrets to inform you

"that due to an oversight
regarding your legal status

"your marriage to Tami-Lynn McCafferty
is unrecognized by the state

"and, therefore, invalid
and hereby annulled."

Teddy, can they do this to us?

Let me see that.

This is a nightmare.

You fucking believe that?

No. This is insane.

I mean, Tami's the woman I love.

You know, I never would even
have tried to adopt a dog

if I had known it was gonna
cause me this kind of shit storm.

This whole thing is
complete bullshit.

I mean, if you ask me,
we got to fight it.

What do you mean?
I mean, we get a lawyer.

Oh, my God. Can we do that?

Hell yeah!
You know what we do?

We'll get a lawyer
and we'll sue

the fucking government
for your civil rights!

Johnny, that's a great idea!

Hey, hey! Maybe we get one of them
Harrison Ford lawyers

who gets shot in the head,
then turns all retarded and nice and goes,

"What we're doing is wrong."

Yes. You know what, we get out there
and we stick it to them good.

We take that shit all the way up
to Judge Judy if we have to.

Yeah.

But we don't know any lawyers.
All our friends make sandwiches.

Oh, we just google
"Boston lawyers." Ah.

Jesus. Look at
that black cock.

Uh...

This is a very complicated case
you have here.

Most civil rights cases are, but this
one has some very obvious wrinkles.

Well, everybody says
you're the best in town.

Listen, your case is
not gonna be cheap.

What is your
financial situation?

Uh, all of our holdings are tied up
in the railroads.

Yeah, Reading Railroad,
B&O Railroad, Pennsylvania Railroad.

We're working on Short Line. Um, I own
Atlantic Avenue and Marvin Gardens.

And I own four houses
on Baltic Ave.

I was thinking about just tearing
them down and building a hotel.

I won second prize in a beauty contest.
That's $50 right there.

Are you guys just
saying Monopoly stuff?

Tell you what, I'm gonna go
drive around the block,

and I'll be back with $200.

I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.

My niece recently
passed her bar exam

and I've hired her on
as a junior associate here at the firm.

I could assign her to
your case, pro bono.

And then you would get
a hungry, young attorney

and I would get a more
experienced lawyer in return.

So what do you say to that?

Yeah, sure, sounds great.

Um, are those hard candies,
like, just to take?

Uh, those aren't
supposed to be out.

Hello?

(BANGING)
Oh! Fuck!

Hi.

You okay?

Yeah! I'm fine.

You must be Ted.

Yeah. Uh, I'm Ted,

this is my buddy, John.
Hi.

Um, my uncle says
that you guys are my first clients.

Uh, it's been discussed,

but do you mind if
I ask how old you are?

I'm 26.

Ah.

What, is there a problem?

Well, you know,
I just don't want my lawyer singing

Frozen songs during
the opening arguments.

It's just this is
a really important case.

Ted has already lost his job,
his marriage has been annulled.

I know. My uncle
gave me all the details.

Right. You see, the thing is, we don't
want to take any chances

because the stakes
are so significant.

We can't just
rush into anything.

We got to make sure
we're making the right decision.

TED: We really
appreciate your time,

but I think what
we're probably gonna do is

just take a seat
and get to work.

Trust you completely.

Yeah, we really feel like
you got a lot to offer.

Sorry.

You don't mind the pot,
do you?

I get migraines.

Oh, absolutely, me, too.
That's fine.

I'm gonna get a huge migraine in
the parking lot in about 20 minutes.

Oh, I'm Samantha Jackson.

Ted. How are ya?

Good to meet you. John.
Nice to meet you.

Wait, wait, wait.
What's your middle name?

Leslie.

Oh, my God!
So you're Sam L. Jackson!
(LAUGHS)

That's fucking great!
Just like Sam L. Jackson!

Who is that?

You ever seen any movie ever?
He's the black guy.

(INHALING)

That weed is really good.

It reminds me of
the strain I smoked

last summer called
"Here Comes Autism."

Yeah, I was just gonna say it's sort
of like this other batch we had called

"How Long Has
That Van Been There?"

No, it's this new strain my dealer
gave me called "Help Me Get Home."

You know, I'm surprised a lawyer
like you gets high.

I mean, aren't you
supposed to be fighting

the War on Drugs
and all that shit?

Please, the War on Drugs
is a joke.

It's just a way
for the government

to inflate law
enforcement budgets

and lock up minorities
for no good legal reason.

And you, my friend,
are an oppressed minority.

Yeah. No shit.

They've denied you
the same rights s everybody else

just because you're different,

and I say that's a violation
of the Constitution.

So what do you say?
Can you get me my life back?

(BUBBLING)

I'm gonna try.

JOHN: Hey, guys?

(BREATHING HEAVILY)
I'm having some trouble over here.

What's the matter?

Can you help me get home?

(SOBBING) I'm having a really
hard time here, guys.

TED: Johnny, it's okay,
buddy. It's okay.

You're doing fine.
You're doing great.

No, I'm scared. All right.

I know. Come on,
it's okay, though.

You just have to
hang onto the wall.

(HORN HONKS)
(SCREAMS)

Don't let the goose get me!

How far away
does he live?

Uh, about a mile-and-a-half.

Fuck, okay.

Hey, it's okay.
One foot in front of the other.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

All right, I got Dred Scott v. Sandford,
Plessy v. Ferguson

and Brown v.
the Board of Education.

I got Kramer vs. Kramer,
Alien vs. Predator, and Freddy vs. Jason.

I got, uh, Ernest Goes to Camp,
Ernest Goes to Jail

and The Importance of Being Earnest,
which was very disappointing.

Okay. I'm gonna ask you a few
test questions. Are you ready?

Yep, bring it on.

You're on the stand,
the DA says,

"Ted, do you consider yourself
to be human?"

Objection!
Sustained!

No, the witness can't object.

Overruled!
Sidebar?

Guilty!
Speculation!

Hearsay! Briefcase!
Bailiff! Disregard!

In my chambers!
Stop beavering the witness!

I rest.
We could totally be lawyers.

Bang.

(INAUDIBLE)

Oh, my God! I'm gonna
fall off the building.

Your name is Toby!

You're going to learn
to say your name.

Let me hear you say it.

What's your name?

(BREATHING SHAKILY)
Kunta. Kunta Kinte.

That's just like me. That's exactly
what I'm going through.

Well, it's a little different.

You know, Ted, if you legally become a
person, you're gonna need a last name.

Oh, yeah, you're right.
Okay, okay, I got one.

Okay, what is it?

Clubber Lang.

Who is Clubber Lang?

Who's Clubber Lang?

Mr. T's character
in Rocky Ill. Hello?

Is that the boxing movies?

(SHOUTS) The boxing...

You've never seen Rocky?
She's not serious.

You've never seen Rocky?

You know...

(IMITATING ROCKY SOUNDTRACK)

You know, Rocky!

I'm not gonna remember
a movie I've never seen

just because you're singing a song
I don't know.

You don't know Samuel L. Jackson,
you don't know Rocky.

You are literally
pop culture illiterate.

I have a college degree.

My pop culture references are Hamlet,
Achilles and Dorian Gray.

Ever heard of any of them?

No, but I'm pretty sure
Mr. T could kick their ass!

Yeah, Sam, you really
need to be educated.

Oh, really? Um, can either of you tell me
who wrote The Great Gatsby?

Judy Blume?
Hitler?

F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Who's that?

The author.

Why are you saying,
"Fuck him"?

What?

You just said "Eff
Scott Fitzgerald."

What did Scott Fitzgerald do to you?
Yeah.

No, that's his first name.

His name's "Fuck
Scott Fitzgerald"?

What? No.

Well, then, what's the "F"
stand for?

Francis.

No. It's got to be "Fuck."
It must be "Fuck."

It's got to be "Fuck."
It has to be "Fuck."

Why the hell
would it be "Fuck"?

Well, because otherwise,
why wouldn't he just say it?

Yeah, he's hiding
something. It's "Fuck."

Come on, read between the lines, Sam.
It's "Fuck."

(LAUGHS) That's completely
insane. You guys are idiots.

Yeah, well, whatever.
Ted Clubber Lang.
Get used to it.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Yes!

Sir?

Um, one of the janitors
would like to see you.

I'm busy.

Fresh cakes!
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

What is it, Danny?

Uh, Donny, sir.

Well, Donny, I'm extremely
busy with the Comic Con presentation...

I'm told that you have an
open-door policy here at Hasbro

for new toy ideas
from any and all employees?

Yeah, I suppose that's true.

All right, come in.

Okay.

Thank you. Thank you.
I love your dress.

Mr. Jessup,

I can make this company
a billion dollars.

I'm listening.

Thirty years ago,

a little boy named
John Bennett made a wish

that his teddy bear
would come to life.

Somehow, one of
our Hasbro bears...

Yes, I'm aware of the story.

Have you seen this?

(SIGHS)

So what?

Well, Ted is suing
for his civil rights.

If he loses, the state
will officially declare him

a non-entity with
no rights under the law.

That means he becomes property.

Mr. Jessup,

we could take him back, with only a
trivial degree of legal consequence

if we were even caught.

And why would we do this?

Sir, if we could cut him open to see
what makes him tick,

we could manufacture millions of
Teds for every child in the world.

Hasbro would double
its profits overnight.

Go on.

We just have to make sure
Ted loses the case.

You use every back channel,
every bribe,

you call in every favor

and you get the best lawyer in
the world on the defense.

When Ted's rights
are officially null,

we grab him.

No one's going to kick up a
legal fuss over property.

You're a hell of a lot smarter than
your urinal cakes, Danny.

Really?

Now, what exactly
do you want from this?

Mr. Jessup,
I'm not interested in money.

I just want a Ted
for my very own.

All right.
I think I can handle the defense.

But let's make
one thing clear.

We never had this conversation.

Goldner and the board cannot know
about this until we have him.

Do you understand?

(WHISPERS) Yes, I do.

(EXHALES)

I need Shep Wild.

SAMANTHA: That was such
a good dinner, Tami-Lynn.

I've never had
Pringles on my steak before.

Oh, it's my pleasure.

It's the least I can do
with all you're doing for us. Really.

Oh, I haven't done anything yet.

Well, you know,
we wanted to take you out to dinner,

but, uh, (SIGHS) all we got is Tami's income
these days since nobody will hire me.

Things are getting
really tight, huh?

Yeah, I've had to do
some things I'm not proud of.

BJs here! Get your BJs!
Get your red-hot BJs!

Toothless and ready to go.
Just 3 dollar! 3 dollar!

Get your BJs here.

Wow.

Hey, listen,
I got an idea.

Uh, Tami, what do you say
you and me go do the dishes

and give Sam and Diane here
some alone time, eh?

(LAUGHS)
All right, all right.

Hey, you go pull
a bad back, bitch!

What do you think
that was about?

Oh, it's nothing. That's his way of saying
I should ask you out.

Ah.

Uh, yeah, look...

We should probably focus our
attention on the case for now.

I completely agree.

You know, I am a little bit curious.
How is it that a guy like you is unattached?

Well, I was married at one point,
but it just didn't work out.

Shits. I'm sorry. That sucks.

No. I mean,
we'd make it work day to day,

but she was always
just trying to change me

into someone I'm not.

And I tried, you know?

I really tried everything
I could to be the man that she wanted.

One day I woke up and I just realized
I wasn't myself anymore.

You know, as much as I love this person,
we're completely wrong for each other.

At least you
figured it out early.

Some people go through
their whole lives

trying to make it work
with the wrong person.

Yeah.

So, we're gonna
win this thing?

Honestly, I don't know.

Oh, we're betting on you.

Hey, Johnny, come on.
It's almost 7:00.
We got to get up there.

Hey, Sam,
you want in on this?

What is it?

On Tuesday nights, we get fucked up
and throw apples at joggers.

Oh, there's one!

(ALL LAUGH)

TED: How's your workout?
JOGGER: Fuck you!

Eat my pussy!
Have some apples!

Jesus, what the hell
is your problem?

It's everybody
else's fault, Mary Decker!

Bam!

You sons of bitches!
What the fuck is your...
(GRUNTS)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

That's the lottery!
That's the lottery!

That's what you get
for fucking exercising!

That is unbelievable!

Teddy.

Teddy, I'm scared.

Baby, we're gonna be fine.

I don't care what any fucking piece
of paper says. You're my wife.

I love you so much.

And I swear to God,
if we lose,

I'm gonna
fucking cut that judge.

Wait a minute.
You brought your switchblade?

Yeah.

But they patted us down on the way in here.
Where'd you even hide it?

Oh!

Hey, Sam.

Who's that buttnut over there?

That is why we've been working so hard.
That's Shep Wild.

It's our bad luck
they put him on the trial.

He's never lost
a case in his life.

Mr. Wild, your opening statement,
if you please.

Thank you, Your Honor.

I would first like to thank
the ladies and gentlemen of the jury

for taking time out
of their busy schedules

to be a part of
these proceedings.

Now, the case we'll be examining today
is really quite a simple one.

Is Ted a human being?

Or a piece of property?

You know, it really is a very special,
very unique thing to be human.

It's a gift from God
bestowed upon only one species.

Us.

But if we suddenly decide
to share that gift,

where does that lead us?

Does your dog
deserve human rights?

Your cat?

Your toaster?

(SOFT CHUCKLE)

Suddenly, being human
doesn't seem so special anymore, does it?

I'm confident you'll make
the right decision.

JUDGE: Thank you, Mr. Wild,
for your opening statement.

Ms. Jackson?

Hi.

I am Samantha Jackson.

I got to be honest
with you. I'm...

I'm a little nervous.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Why am I nervous? Um...

Well, not because I'm a junior
attorney arguing her first case.

And not because
some of you might laugh

at the fact that
I'm representing a teddy bear.

(SOFT LAUGHTER)

No, I'm... I'm nervous because
of one simple word.

"Justice."

I'm nervous that you're going
to be swayed

by smooth talk
and a haircut,

and forget about the most
important aspect of this case.

Justice.

A hundred and fifty years ago

a slave by the name
of Dred Scott

sued to prove that he was a
person and not a piece of property.

He lost.

And as history has shown us,
that wasn't justice.

In every
civil rights conflict,

we are only able to recognize
the just point of view

years after the fact.

And when the next conflict
comes along,

we're once again
blind to it as it's happening.

"Well, this is different,"
we say, but it isn't.

It is the same beast,
just wearing a different face,

and it's happening again today.

So I urge you,
ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

not to be a footnote
on the wrong side of history.

Don't wait too long
to be right.

Thank you.

Erection.

Sustained.

Ms. McCafferty, you and Ted recently
considered adopting a child.

Is that correct?

Yeah.

And if I may inquire,

why did you not choose to have
a child of your own?

Because Teddy
ain't got no dick.

(LAUGHTER)

Uh-huh.

And, uh, why does Ted
not possess a, uh, male appendage?

Is it a freak of genetics?

No, asshole, he ain't got a dick
because he's a fucking toy!

What's your excuse?

Whoa-ho! Take a burn!

Yeah! How's your tongue
taste in your own ass, Poindexter?

Yeah! How'd you...
What?

(GAVEL BANGS)
Order!

Mr. Bennett,

how would you categorize
your relationship with Ted?

He's my best friend.

So you don't see him
as your property.

No, he's not my property.
He's a person.

He's way more of a person
than lots of other people.

I mean,
fucking Steven Tyler?

What the fuck is that?
Some kind of

weird soccer-mom-looking
Goonie monster?

Your Honor?
I'll allow it.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Your witness.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Mr. Bennett,

when and where did
you first encounter Ted?

Oh, what do you mean? My parents
got him for me when I was a kid.

A-ha. They "got him."

Where did they get him?

Child World toy store.

I'm sorry, I couldn't hear that.
Could you repeat that, please?

Child World toy store.
You fucking heard me.

There's no need for hostility,
Mr. Bennett.

Why? Nobody here likes you!

I saw you eating lunch alone!
You're a loser!

Your Honor?
Mr. Bennett.

I hope your kids
get bird flu!

Mr. Bennett!

I'm sorry.

Now, you said your
parents purchased Ted,

as one might purchase
a baseball glove or a Big Wheel.

No, it's not like that!

Objection!

You can't do that!

You know what?
This is bullshit!

This court is
trying to tell me

that I'm not as good
as other people,

and this is exactly what
you've been doing to the fags!

Ted!

Sorry, sorry.
The homos, the homos.

This is exactly
what you've been doing

to the homos,
and I say it's wrong!

Ms. Jackson,
please control your client

or I'll hold both of you
in contempt of court!

Oh, piss off!

I'm standing up for me and I'm
standing up for the homos!

We deserve respect!

Ted, shut up!

Fine.

(VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS)

Your Honor, I'd like to call
Ted Clubber Lang to the stand.

Yes!

My turn, assholes!

Ted,

do you love your wife?

Objection. She's not his wife.
The marriage was annulled.

I'll rephrase.

Do you love Tami-Lynn?

I love my wife. Okay?
My wife.

More than anything
in the world.

We're married.
I don't care what anybody says.

So you're saying
you are capable of feeling love.

Yeah.

Hey, it must be weird
for you guys,

having a doll up here
on the stand

with no kid pointing to where
his uncle touched him, huh?

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, no, yeah, no.

Yeah, I am capable.
I love a lot of stuff. Yeah.

Ted, do you believe
you have a soul?

(SINGING) What did you think

I would do at this moment

When you're standing before me

With tears in your eyes

That answer your question?

Objection. Your Honor?

(SINGSONGY) Overruled!

A-ha! What it is, man!
Dynomite.

Ted. Right, right.
Sorry, sorry.

Look, I'm not a scientist, okay?

I don't know exactly what
makes a person a person.

All I know is I feel stuff.

Just like all you guys.

And I don't think
I ought to be treated any different.

Capable of love.

Aware of his own consciousness.

Seems pretty human to me.

No further questions.

Mr. Kidder,

you were an employee at Hasbro
from 1976 to 1998. Is that correct?

Yes, I supervised
the stuffing of the teddy bears.

And what is that
stuffing made of?

A synthetic
cotton-poly blend.

Is there anything else
in there?

The bear products are affixed with
an electronic device in the chest

which can be programmed
to say any one of five phrases.

Hmm.

Ted,

would you please
press your chest?

What?

Please follow the instruction,
Mr. Clubber Lang.

TED TOY VOICE:
I love you!

(CROWD MURMUR)

No further questions.

FEMALE NEWSCASTER:
Also in the news,
a pending court case

is beginning to get
national attention

for its civil
rights ramifications.

Ted, the bear,
who some of you may remember

came to life back in the mid-'80s
right here in Boston,

is suing to prove
he is indeed a person.

Okay, so what are we even
talking about here?

What we're talking about is a civil
rights issue. This bear has rights.

Oh, come on!
He does not!
He's a toy.

Then why are you
calling it a "he"?

Look, we call the Statue
of Liberty "she, "

but we all know it's an object
made of copper and steel.

Oh, good point.

Yes, but she isn't conscious
or sentient. He is. Mmm-hmm.

(SCOFFS)
Now, come on!

Are any of you gonna
sit there and tell me

that this stuffed
doll is a person?

No.
Not at all.

We all agree all the time.

I don't think he should want to be
considered a person.

After all, you know,
Ted spent many years

sleeping and cuddling
with a child.

That's cute when
you're a stuffed animal.

When you're a person,
that's a felony.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Ted, do you have anything to say
in your own defense?

I am not an animal!

(LAUGHTER)

You see, Your Honor?

He's not an animal.

(SNIFFLES)

(GROWLING)

I'm sorry, Your Honor.
I'm on my period.

And live from New York,
it's Saturday Night!
(APPLAUSE)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

What is taking
them so long?

Oh, is it bad that
they're taking this long?

It's not good or bad.
It just means

that they're probably
having a debate.

Johnny, it may be time
to play the Betelgeuse card.

What do you mean?

I mean saying his
name three times.

What?

Betelgeuse.
Betelgeuse. Betelgeuse.

Shut up!

You fucking crazy?
We don't want

that guy running around in here.

No, Johnny,
he'll be on our side.

He'll help us.
Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse...

You are meddling with powers
you do not understand.

Cut the shit.

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

Please be seated.

Mr. Willer, has the jury
reached a verdict?

Yes, we have, Your Honor.
(CLEARS THROAT)

Um, in the case of
Ted v. The Commonwealth of Massachusetts,

we, the jury, find for the Commonwealth
in that Ted is not a person.

(CROWD MURMURING)

(SIGHS)

(GAVEL BANGING)

JUDGE: Very well.

The plaintiff is hereby
legally deemed property.

The definition entails
the rights thereof

and will be recognized
in the terms set

by the Commonwealth
of Massachusetts.

The court wishes
to thank the jury for its service.

Are you sure
you can get him?

Remember, you're
on your own out there.

Hasbro can have
no connection to this.

Oh, I'll get him.

And when I have him,
I'll call you with the code phrase.

Do you remember what it is?

Yes, I remember it.

Should we say it
just for safety?

No, that's not necessary.

Say it. Just say it.
Say it.

I don't want to.
I don't have to.

Fresh cakes.

Fresh cakes.

(SNIFFLING)
This isn't fucking fair.

Teddy's a good man.

Why is he being treated differently
than everybody else?

(SCOFFS) It's what
this country does best.

Putting different people
into little groups

and making them
watch Tyler Perry.

It's wrong!

I'm so sorry, baby.

No, I'm sorry! I thought
I'd built a better case.

It's just...

The reality is you have
a really shitty lawyer.

Hey, come on.

Nobody's blaming you for this.
You did everything you could.

(SIGHS) I... I'm sitting here

and I...
I can't believe it's official.

Oh, so what are
we gonna do now?

I mean, we can't take this lying
down, right? We got to do something.

You know what we're gonna do?
We're gonna call Patrick Meighan.

Who's that?

He is the top civil rights attorney
in America.

Wait. Is he the one who got that female
midget into the Marines?

Yeah.

Yeah, that had a sad ending though,
you remember?

She was at
a Veterans Day parade,

and somebody handed her
a bunch of balloons

and... (WHOOSHES)
Gone!

It was very sad.
Very sad for the family.

You know what? If anyone
can get this verdict overturned, it's him.

He's not cheap,

but we've become such
a high profile case,

I feel like he might take it
pro bono.

He's a sucker for media.

Hey, Johnny,
how about a beer, huh?

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Hi, I'm calling for Patrick Meighan.
This is Samantha Jackson.

I defended Ted Clubber Lang
in Ted v. Massachusetts.

Hey!

Hi, Mr. Meighan.
Thank you so much for taking my call.

(JOHN GRUNTING)

Oh, you've been following
the case. That's great.

Yeah, that's actually why I'm calling.
(BOTH GRUNTING)

Yeah, I was wondering

if, um, maybe you would consider helping
us try to overturn the verdict.

Well, yeah. I mean, it would
have to be a pro bono situation

because we're not
really working with much money.

But I think
you'll be impressed with my client.

Oh! Ha-ha!
Motherfucker!

Sure.

Yeah, great.
Okay. Thank you so much!

Okay, I'll see you
then. Bye.

Oh, my God!

He said he'll meet
with us on Friday at 9:00 a.m.

at his office in New York.

Is he gonna take the case?

I don't want to jinx it,
but I think so.

Oh, my God!
You hear that, Johnny?
(LAUGHS)

I still get a shot!
JOHN: Yes!

Oh, my God!
We got to celebrate!

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Let's go down to the improv
and yell sad suggestions?

Fuck yeah!

So first we need a historical event.
Who's got an event?

TED: 9/11.

(STUTTERS) Okay,
maybe something else.

All right, let's start
with a person.

JOHN: Robin Williams!

Okay, all right, for real, guys, for real.
Who's got a person?

TED: Robin Williams on 9/11.

All right, we've heard
from these guys.

Let's maybe give
somebody else over here a chance.

How about a location?
Let's go with a location.

TED: The offices
of Charlie Hebdo.

Okay, seriously,
sir, uh, I just need a location.

JOHN: Ferguson, Missouri.

TED: Germanwings cockpit.

Okay, I heard "Starbucks."
TED: No, you didn't.

JOHN: Nobody said "Starbucks."

All right, Starbucks.
Okay, now, who's in the Starbucks?

TED: Bill Cosby.

You people are monsters.

JOHN: We're giving you
the tools, buddy.

Come on,
make some fucking comedy.

All right. We'll be back
tomorrow afternoon.

I love you so much, Teddy.

You go kick some ass because I am
not taking off this wedding ring.

I love you too, baby.
I'll see you soon.

(HIP-HOP PLAYING ON STEREO)

(SINGING) If you wanna sit
there with a pie of meat

Just fuck your own brother
in the front seat

Oh, why can't you
just say please?

Hey! Must be the money

Hey, Sam, why do you have a duffel bag
that says "Arizona State"?

Because that's
where I went to school.

What, you went to Arizona State?

Yeah, why?

Oh, man, that's why
we lost the case.

Hello?
You're dicks.

Arizona State. Hey, how many times
you been fucked on a houseboat?

(LAUGHING)
(LAUGHING)

Oh, come on.

Did you write your dissertation

on the collected
works of, uh, Red Bull?

Yeah. Yeah,
I did. I got an A on it.

TED: So do you say
"Arizona State University"
or do you just say "HPVU"?

This is perfect. We're gonna get to
the city before 10:00.

Hey, Sam,
how's your boring salad?

Mmm, it's actually delicious.

Everybody always says
that about their salad.

They're all
a bunch of fucking liars.

No, I love it.
It's really good.

Have some Cookie Crisp.
You need something nutritional.

Why do you think
I want your Cookie Crisp?

Because you've been staring at it,
and you want it.

Hey, what's the deal here?
You guys ever gonna make out or what?

Teddy, come on, dude!

No, I'm just saying. You look like
you're hitting it off, you know?

Sam, you dig him, right?

MAN: Hey!

Where the hell's my coffee?
I've been waiting for 10 minutes.

I'm so sorry, sir.
I forgot. I'll get it right away.

Jesus, you're a waitress,
you're not building rockets.
Figure it out!

What a prick!

Hey, 20 bucks I can toss a
Cookie Crisp into his ass crack.

Wait, let me try.

I used to pitch for the softball team
at Arizona State.

Oh, yeah?
Was your mascot a broken condom?

Shut up.

Oh, my God!
Holy shit!

Who did that?

Oh, Jesus Christ.
You got to be kidding me!

Now, we're assholes.
Look what you did.

I swear to God,
I'll kick your goddamn ass!
Who was it?

Uh, sir, I apologize
for my 5-year-old son.

(IN KID'S VOICE) I'm sowwy!

Sowwy, sir.

Cookie Crisp in your bum-bumzies.
I'm sowwy. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Well, under the circumstances,
I guess it's okay.

Oh, my God.
Now we're even bigger assholes.

Go get my Cookie
Crisp out of his ass.

You guys making
trouble over here?

Uh, no, ma'am. We're just
minding our business.

Let's try to keep your boyfriend
under control here, yeah?

Oh, he's not my boyfriend.

Oh.

Good.

We'll just get the check.
Thanks.

Of course.

TED: Oh, my God.

John, did you see that? She was
totally giving you the fuck-me eyes.

No, she wasn't.

She was giving you
the fuck-me eyes.

What are the fuck-me eyes?

Some women just
have fuck-me eyes.

Do I have fuck-me eyes?

No, you have "Give us the ring,
my precious" eyes.

We better get going.

We got two hours of driving left and
I'm kind of beat.

Yeah, we got to be
well rested for tomorrow.

I'll drive.
You can take a nap.

You don't have a license.

Who cares?
Johnny lets me drive

every once in a while
when he's too hammered.

I'm a fucking pro!

Besides,

I've been kicked around
a lot this week. I just...

I want to feel useful,
you know?

Twenty minutes behind the wheel.

Yay!

(R&B MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

(TIRES SCREECHING)
(HORN HONKING)

(LIP-SYNCHING TO SONG)

(SONG ENDS)

Ah! Ah!
Shit, shit, shit!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(HORN HONKING)

What the fuck?

Well, Sam, it's been 20 minutes.
You wanna take over?

(STUTTERS)
Hey, listen, Sam,
I'm real sorry.

That barn just
came out of nowhere.

No, no, it's my fault.
I... I, uh...

I should never
have let you drive.

Yeah. You were wrong.

You were wrong to do that.
Yeah.

But that and the trial are the
only two things you fucked up. So, uh...

I can't see shit
in there.

We're gonna have to
wait till tomorrow to get the car out.

Uh, wait. Are we gonna
spend the night here?

Yeah, it'll be fine.
We just got to find some firewood.

What the hell?

(SNIFFS)

Holy shit! Hey, Ted!

You know what this is?
It's Super Lemon Haze.

It's a really rare strain.

It's a cross between
Lemon Skunk and Super Silver Haze.

It's totally potent.

I've only had it
once in my life

and it was one of
the best highs I ever had.

What the hell is
a leaf of this stuff

doing out in
the middle of a...

(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Dear God! Dear God in heaven!

(SOBS) So beautiful.

It's so beautiful.

No words.

No words. (SNIFFLES)

They should've sent a poet.

They're moving in herds.

They do move in herds.

Please tell me that's not the only bong
you brought on this trip.

TED: Yeah, Sam. This puts us in
kind of an awkward position, here.

I mean, we wanna get high, too.

I don't have any
papers or nothing.

Is this hilarious?
I got it at a bachelorette party.

(LAUGHS)

It's so stupid.
Here, try it.

Uh, no.

Why?

I don't wanna put
a big glass cock in my mouth.

Oh, you think this is big?

(LAUGHS)

Johnny, you walked
right into that one, pal.

This is all I brought.

How about this?
I'm gonna go check out the barn

and I'm gonna see
if I can find a soda can or something

for us to make an actual bong.

Yeah, see if you can
make a non-dick bong.

Yeah. Hey, that's the name of the South
Korean president. (LAUGHS)

Right?

She gets...
You get it.

Right? No.

What?

Okay, I'll be back.

Sorry.

No. This is nice.

You know?
I always wanted my ex-wife

to get stoned with me.
She never would.

Really?

Wow. That's the cornerstone
of any great marriage.

I agree.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)

So, you think this Meighan guy
is gonna help us?

I mean, honestly,
I don't know. Um...

But we're going
to the right place.

Listen, I just really
want to thank you

for all you've done,
all you're doing for us.

I know it's not
making you rich.

Please.

There are more important things
in life than money.

Look,

I don't know what
kind of mojo was in

that wish you made
when you were a child,

but this bear is alive.

And it seems to me that once the law
devalues one kind of life,

how soon before
it devalues another?

Who gets subjugated
after the bear?

You're really smart,
you know that?

How come
you don't have a guy?

Dude, have you seen
the guys in Boston?

I'm supposed to date
some pale, blotchy guy

with a wife-beater
under his Bruins jacket

and a shamrock tattoo
on his calf? Nope.

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

That's so dumb.

(GRUNTS) I couldn't
find any cans,

but I got to tell you,
there's some awesome shit in that barn.

Take a look at this. I found a cowboy
hat and a rifle and a guitar.

Hey, be careful
with that, huh.

No, it's okay.
It's not loaded.

And my fucking nose came off.

Jeez, I wonder who
this place belongs to.

Maybe we should find someplace else.
(PLAYS GUITAR)

We're in the middle of nowhere.

If we get out of here
by dawn, we should be fine, right?

You play the guitar?

A little bit.
I learned when I was a kid.

(SINGING) Mean ol' moon

It must be fun

To shine upon me
as I come undone

Till I'm all alone
beneath the sun

You mean ol' moon

With your beam you led the way

And found me love
I thought was here to stay

Then you went and
took my love away

You mean ol' moon

Oh, you mean ol' stars above

The games that
you play with me

I could find some happiness

If all of my nights
were cloudy

Mean ol' moon

I hope it's true

You're takin' all the light
that's left in you

And saving it up
for you know who

You mean ol' moon

You mean ol' moon

Yes!

You got it.

You got it!

Come on,
put your legs into it.

There you go! Nice job!

Jesus.

So, listen, I got to ask.

Was it just kissing last night?
Or was there finger stuff?

Man, we got a lot of pot in this car.
I wish we could smoke it.

Oh, we're gonna
smoke it, all right,

but just stuff it
under the seat for now.

We don't wanna go to jail.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

(LIGHTER FLICKERING)

(INHALES)

(CAMERA CLICKS)

Oh, what the fuck?
What are you doing?

Hashtag "My amazing summer."

God damn it!
What the hell's wrong with you?

Oh, I fucking owe you,
you bastard.

What do you mean?
I was just messing around.

Oh, shut up
and suck that dick.

Oh, fuck you.

(BROADWAY MUSIC PLAYING)

MEN: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Watch it.
Jesus! Watch where you're going!

It's a crosswalk, jackass!
We have the right of way! Yeah.

BOTH: Whoa!

Hey, what the hell you doing walking
around dressed like Star Wars?

It's Comic Con, you idiot!
We're going to the Javits Center.

You're the idiots,
because you three guys

would never be walking together!

Yeah, you're his boss
and you two guys are enemies!

Yeah, bite me, Captain Kirk!

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
Hey! Come on. That's Star Trek!

Yeah, that's two
different franchises.

Yeah, sorry, guys.
She doesn't know.

Nah, it's okay.
I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

All right, let's go.

Oh, hey, come on.
It's not worth it, man.

Come on.

(SIGHS)

This Patrick Meighan's
got a classy setup, huh?

Mmm.

And there is our
first impression.

Ms. Jackson?
Mr. Meighan will see you now.

Oh, okay. Thank you.

Ah, Ms. Jackson. Do come in.

Mr. Meighan,
this is such an honor.

Thank you so much
for meeting with us.

Not at all. It's my pleasure.
Please, sit down.

Oh, this office is
fucking awesome.

Yeah, totally. Hey, hey.

You ever bring chicks up here?

What do you think?

I think I want to sleep on a bed
made of your voice.

I'll get right down to it.

I don't want to waste
too much of your time.

Ted, I've been
reviewing your file.

And while I'm sympathetic
to your cause,

I'm sorry to say
I won't be taking your case.

What?
Why?

Why not?

Well, it comes down to this.

You want to be human
in the eyes of the law.

That's a hard sell,
even for me.

See, the important
thing about being human

is making a contribution
to society.

Assisting in
the betterment of your race.

You've done none of that.

I've read about your life.

The drugs, the parties,
the prostitutes, the arrests.

Mr. Meighan, we've come
a long way to meet you

because you said
that you could help us.

I said I would consider it.

And I have.

Ted, you're special.

You could've been
an inspiration to the world.

Could've been a leader,
a role model.

Instead you're

Justin Bieber.

Fuck you!

Hey, Ted! Come on!
I'm sorry.

He doesn't mean that.
Please forgive me, I'm sorry.

There's just no indication

that you've had any positive effect
on the world around you.

Well, that's not true.
He's had a positive effect on me.

Would that positive effect
be your joint arrest

for purchasing
marijuana in 2003?

Well, how the fuck do you prepare for
a Foo Fighters concert?

You know why
you lost this case?

It can't be argued by reason.

The precedent it sets would affect
the public directly.

And unfortunately,
the public doesn't judge by reason.

It judges by emotion.

And you can't appeal
an emotional conviction.

Nonetheless, I wish you all the best
in your efforts.

He needs help.

And from what
I know about you,

at one point in your
career that would've been enough.

I'm sorry you're not
who I hoped you'd be.

Are those Tootsie Rolls
just, like, to take?

Those aren't
supposed to be out.

So that's it.
I'm property.

No rights, no nothing.

Ted, dude, I'm so sorry, man.
This completely sucks.

I feel terrible.

I let you guys down
all over again.

Hey. You didn't let us down, Sam.
You did your best.

And, look,
regardless of all this shit,

you're still the best thing that's
happened to me in a long time.

Oh. Oh, that...

That's great!
That's fucking great!

I'm glad you guys
are so happy!

What?

What do you mean, "What?"
I'm totally screwed here.

And you're sitting there
basically banging my lawyer,

and she's probably
still fucking billing us!

Well, don't yell at us, dude!
We didn't do anything!

Yeah, exactly! Exactly!

Maybe if you guys had spent a little
less time mooning over each other,

Sam could've won this
thing and I wouldn't be a fucking thing!

Like garbage or
a piece of shit!

Hey, we've been fighting
right alongside you the whole way.

And remember,
you're the one

who's been pushing me
to get back on the horse.

I finally meet someone
and you're giving me shit for it?

Oh, no, you're right.
No, Johnny, it's fine.

You're right, it's fine.
It's totally fine.

I got no job,
no marriage and no life!

But you have fun porking Gollum here,
while I'm left with shit!

Ted!

Who's Gollum?

She's a model.
Ted, come back!

Leave me alone!

JOHN: Ted!
SAMANTHA: Ted!

(SIGHS)

Shit.

MAN: Whoa.

Sorry, bro.

GUY: Hey, Ted!

Guy?

I thought that was you.
What's happening, man?

Hey, Rick! It is Ted.

Hey, how you doing?

Hey, what's going on?
What are you doing here?

(SIGHS) I just feel at home among the outcasts.
What are you guys doing here?

Well, you know, Rick and I,
we just come here as a gag.

Dress up like we're into this shit
and fuck with the nerds.

Hey, spaz.

Uh, why don't you go get me some
Big League Chew. How about that, huh?

(GROANS)

(BOTH LAUGH)

Uh-huh. All right,
well, good luck with your dick, there.

Right on.
You, too, man.

God damn it,
that underwear had shit on it!

Hey.

Are you Ted?

Uh, yeah.

(LAUGHS)

This is so exciting!

I was such a big fan of yours
in the early '90s.

Oh, thanks a lot.
What's your name?

I'm Raphael.

Hey, do you think
I could take a picture with you?

Uh, yeah, yeah. No problem.

Great, great!
Here, follow me.

Uh, okay, why are we
doing this back here?

Well, you're a celebrity.

I just don't want you to get mobbed
when people recognize you.

Yeah, that's true. I've been mistaken
for an Ewok three times today.

All right,
let's do this.

Holy shit! Donny!

It's so good to see you, Ted.

It's been some time,
hasn't it?

What, you mean since
you ripped me in half?

That wasn't supposed to happen.

That was an accident.

I have some big plans
for you, Ted.

Very big plans.

I need you to come
with me now.

Go to hell!

(GRUNTS)

RICK: Nice lunch, spaz.

Hey! What the hell!

He could be anywhere.
We're not gonna find him.

We should just
wait by the car.

What do you mean?
We have to find him, okay?

He's a teddy bear on
his own in New York, for God's sakes.

(SCOFFS)
(CELLPHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Johnny, Johnny, it's me.
You got to help me.

Ted, where are you? Dude, we've
been looking everywhere for you.

I'm at Comic Con,
but, John, it's Donny! He's here!

He's after me.
You got to get over here.

What the fuck?
Did you just say "Donny"?

John, what's going on?

Yes, it's him! He's...

Oh, shit!

Ted! Ted, hello?

What's the matter?
Oh, my God. Déjà vu.

We got to get to
Comic Con. Come on!

Get out of the way!

You know,

I really love
that Neil Diamond.

Especially that song they sing
at the Red Sox games.

It's just so infectious.

You just can't
help but sing along.

(SINGING) Hands touching hands

Reaching out

Touching me, touching you

Sweet Caroline

Bah, bah, bah!

Fuck!

Crazy son of a bitch!

(TED GRUNTING)

MAN: Hey!

What are you doing
to that bear?

I'm sorry. I, uh...

You better be planning
on buying that!

He just reminds me
of when I was a kid.

Yeah, that's great.

$40.

Okay.

I have $40, here.

You see him anywhere?

No. Let's try in there.

Hi. Have any of you guys seen
a talking teddy bear run through here?

Shh. They're about
to announce the new Superman.

The new Superman is...

Jonah Hill!

Fuck!

Who's Superman?
What?

I'm just kidding.
I'm fucking with you.
Come on!

And if that is
not big enough news,

Hasbro will be
unveiling a brand-new line

of Transformers
merchandise next fall.

(CHEERING)

We've got a brand-new
line of Decepticons...

Hey!

...that is gonna be...
Fresh cakes.

Fresh cakes.

Fresh cakes.

Comic Con fans,

let's take a look at
this thrilling sizzle reel

with all of our
exciting new toys.

Take a look.

(CHEERING)

Come on, there's an empty
supply room downstairs.

Is that him?

Yeah, there was
an issue, so he's

unconscious now,
but yeah, this is him.

Jesus!
Why did you bring him here?

I've been following
him around since yesterday.

This was the only chance I could get
him alone. I had to move fast.

Hey, Ted!

Is that you?

Uh, yeah, he had
a little too much to drink.

He puked a pile of cotton
all over this little girl in a stroller

so we're gonna take him back
and sober him up.

Ah, rock on, Ted.

Eff yeah.

Hey, guys, be careful
out there. Some nerd spilled his lunch.

Hey, watch that floor.
Comes up fast, man.

Hey, Johnny.

Guy?

Man, it's a goddamn party
here today.

Hey, I remember
you from the wedding.

You get a nose job?
No.

Yes, you did,
you fucking liar.

Hey, we just ran
into your buddy Ted.

Ted? Where is he?

He got a little wasted, so these two
dudes took him out back to sober up.

Did you see
which way they went?

Yeah, yeah. Back hallway,
past the photo booth.

Come on!

Thirsty, Urkel?

I fucking love this place.

(GRUNTS)

What the fuck?
What the fuck's going on here?

Who the hell are you?

He really is
extraordinary, isn't he?

You son of a bitch!
This is kidnapping!

No, it's not.

Kidnapping only applies to people.
And you, Ted, you're property.

Yeah, so is
that fucking hairpiece.

What do you say there,
happy face?

Right there. Death to Ming.
Yeah! Come on. All right.

Happy guy.

Right there.
Death to Ming.
Good, yeah.

Hey, Bennett!

Oh, shit!

You messed up my car.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Look, Sam, this is a really bad time,
all right? Something happened to Ted.

But it was a good time
for you to vandalize my Chrysler though.

Hey, fuck your Chrysler!

(YELLS)

(RIPS)
(GASPS)

Holy shit!

Look, Donny, Donny!
You don't wanna do this! Okay?

Think about what
happened at Fenway.

You remember?
You cut me open, that's it!
I'm gone, dead!

Just a regular old teddy bear.

I won't be any
fun then, will I?

This isn't about you, Ted.

You're only one bear.

We're gonna figure out
what makes you real,

and then we're gonna
make millions of Teds.

One for every
child in the world.

One for me.

One that loves me
just as much as you love John.

Look, Donny,
I can never love you.

God, that sounds fucked up.
Listen, I don't wanna die.

Okay? So, uh...

What if I gave you
a hand job outside

your pants while
you ate an ice cream?

I'll give you a minute.

(SAM GRUNTING)

Come here!

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

(YELLS)

(GASPS)

(YELLING)

(SCREAMING)

Hey, check it out. Nerd fight.

Ah!

(WHOOPING)

(SCREECHING)

Come here.

Come on.

I'll see you in heaven, Ted.

Ted!
Johnny!

Who the hell are you?

Get away from him,
you bastard!

Ted, you okay, buddy?
Johnny, thank God!

I'm out.

Wait, Mr. Jessup, please don't go. Come on,
we can still do this.

You're on your own, Danny.
I can't be implicated in any of this.

Wait, wait, wait. Who are you?

I work for Mattel.

You piece of shit.

Killing him at Fenway Park
wasn't enough for you, huh?

What do you wanna do now?

You don't deserve him, John.
You never did. You never did!

I've been wanting
to do this for a long time.

TED: A-ha! I fucking knew it!

Come on.

Listen, Johnny,
I wanna tell you how sorry I am.

No, forget it, buddy.

Look, Teddy, you were upset, and I shouldn't
have brushed it off. I'm so sorry.

No, listen to me.

Just listen to me.
You, too, Sam.

I acted like an asshole.

All right? I was just hurting
because I knew I'd lost.

And that, in the eyes of the world,
I'll always be property.

But you know what?
Who gives a shit? Right?

It doesn't matter what the world calls me.
I know who I am.

And that's all
that's important.

And I know who my friends are.

And honest to God,

if you two want to be together, nothing
would make me happier.

Aw, buddy,
I love you for that.

Thanks, Ted. That means a lot.

And for what it's worth,
as far as I'm concerned,

you're a person.

As much as anybody
I've ever known.

Sam, that means the world coming from
someone who went to Arizona State.

Ted!

Holy shit! Johnny!

Oh, my God. John!
Johnny!

John!
Oh, Jesus!

Are you okay?
Johnny, you all right?

Shit.

John, hey.
Oh, my God.

Jesus, what happened here?

The rocket ship just hit him!

Jesus Christ, that's
the starship Enterprise... Forget it.

Somebody call 911!

Johnny? John, come on,
stay with me, pal.

We need an ambulance
at 655 West 34th.

How the hell did it fall?

I don't know!

TED: It was him!

The guy dressed like
the Ninja Turtle!

Which one?

All right, two can play this Where's Waldo shit,
you son of a bitch!

Sam, give me your phone.

(80s POP SONG PLAYING)

That's him.

Get off me!

Get off me!

Johnny?

Johnny, come on.

Johnny, you got to
wake up, pal.

Johnny, wake up!

Wake up, Johnny.

Johnny.

Johnny, wake up!

Johnny, wake up.

Hi. How is he?
Is he gonna come out of it?

I don't know, Ms. Jackson.
We've done everything we can

and it's all up to him now.

John,

please wake up.

(HEART MONITOR FLAT LINING)

Somebody help!

Oh, my God, John!
John? Johnny?

Hello?
There's something happening.

Mr. Bennett?

Something's wrong.
What's going on?
What's happening to him?

Mr. Bennett? John?

We have a Code Blue in Room 134!
What does that mean?

I'm sorry. You three are gonna
have to wait outside.

What the hell is going on?
Is he gonna be okay?

The doctors will do
everything they can,

but I need youto go to the
waiting area now, please.

Excuse me, excuse me.

What's the status?

He was stable a minute ago
and now he's unresponsive.

The monitor says he's in asystole.
He's not breathing, no pulse.

Start compressions.
Prepare to intubate.

Give him a milligram
of epinephrine.

I'm sorry.

He didn't make it.

What?

Johnny.

If you'd like, you can go in

and say your goodbyes.

Johnny.

You were my thunder buddy.

You were my thunder buddy
for life.

And you gave up your own life
to save mine.

The only problem is

I don't know how
my life works without you.

Goodbye, John.

I got you, motherfucker!
(ALL SCREAMING)

Holy shit! Zombie!
He's a fucking zombie!

I totally fucking got you!

Holy shit!

You should have seen
your fucking face!

You son of a bitch!

That was fucking classic!

Wait, wait, wait. This is payback because
I made you think that I was retarded!

You made me think
you were retarded!

Oh! Well done!

Well done, man. High five.
(LAUGHING)

High five.

What the fuck is going on?

What's going on, is this guy
just won the bullshit comedy blue ribbon.

You are the fucking greatest, man.
Holy shit!

Wait. How was the doctor
in on it?

They got me out of it with the paddles.
I was totally fine.

So I talked him into
going along with the bit.

Hey, Doc, it worked out
hilarious. Thanks.

No problem.
We're a fun hospital.

You asshole!
You think this shit is funny?

Do you know how devastated
I was?

I put a frowny face
on Facebook!

How am I supposed to
explain that to everybody?

You could change your
relationship status from "single"

to "it's complicated."

You're gonna have to do
a lot better than that.
(SNIFFLING)

How about, "in a relationship
with John Bennett"?

Well, we'll have
to talk about that.

Okay, well, good talk.

Hey, if you guys
want to bang,

me and Teddy
can totally leave the room.

No, no, honey, honey, they're classy,
they're not like us.

They're good people.

I'm happy to see everyone
has made a full recovery.

Mr. Meighan.
What the hell?

Holy shit!

Is it all right
if I come in?

Sure, yeah.

How are you feeling, John?

I'm alive.

You're very lucky.

I saw what you did on TV.

Yeah, he saved my ass
is what he did.

You know why?
Because he's a person.

And no matter how many

of you smart-ass Harvard lawyers
try to keep him down,

you're not gonna change that.

Not in our eyes.

Ted is real.

So you can go fuck yourself.

I will.

And as soon as I'm done
fucking myself,

I'd like to take
your case, Ted.

What?
Seriously?

TED: Oh, my God!
You heard that?

Oh, my gosh!
TED: I don't believe it!
(CLEARS THROAT)

Maybe we don't want you now.
Shut up.

No, yeah, we want you.
For sure, we want you.

What made you
change your mind?

Well, when I saw
what John did for you,

that he was willing to
give his life for yours,

it gave me a kick in the ass.

Reminded me of why I chose to do
the kind of work I do.

I'm sorry I turned you away.

I was wrong.

As far as I'm concerned,

anyone who can inspire that
kind of love in another person

deserves to be called human.

You mean it?

I certainly do.

So,

shall we get started?

What defines a person?

What defines property?

What's the difference?

The anthropologist
and ethicist Dawn Prince-Hughes

argues that the standards for personhood
include self-awareness,

an ability to understand
complex emotions

and a capacity for empathy.

We're all in agreement
that Ted is self-aware.

What is your name?

Ted Clubber Lang.

As for complex emotions
and the capacity for empathy,

we all saw
the distressing images

of Ted agonizing
over his fallen friend,

John Bennett.

In those images,

Ted exhibits all of
the remaining qualities of personhood.

It's right there
for anyone to see.

And I believe that
a just court must, by definition,

grant basic human rights
to all those who deserve them,

just as
the Emancipation Proclamation

and the Thirteenth
Amendment did so many years ago.

So, ladies and gentlemen
of the court,

I invite you

to change the world.

(ALL CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

Well, Johnny, this is the second time
you've made me real.

Thanks, pal.

Hey, you were
always real to me, buddy.

Even when you weren't.

Congratulations, Ted.

Thanks, Sam.

FEMALE REPORTER: Ted!

MAN 1: Ted!
MAN 2: Ted! Over here!

Ted!

This is quite a victory
for you.

Is there any statement
that you'd like to make

now that
you're legally a person?

Yes, there is.

Tami-Lynn McCafferty,

will you marry me?

Yes.

(ALL CHEERING)

MALE NARRATOR: And so
our story comes to an end.

Ted and Tami-Lynn
were married once again,

and soon afterward,
they adopted a fine,
young baby boy.

Johnny,
meet your new godson,

Apollo Creed Clubber Lang.

JOHN: Oh, Teddy,
he's adorable.

Oh! And we got something for him, too.
John, show him.

Oh, shit, yeah. Hold on.

TAMI-LYNN:
He got you something.

Huh?

Oh, Johnny!

TAMI-LYNN:
Oh, Johnny, it's perfect.

Hey, you know, maybe someday,
if you wish hard enough,

maybe he'll come to life

and you guys can do
all kinds of drugs together.

That's all I want for him.

Oh! It smells like somebody's got
a poopy diaper.

Teddy, it's your turn
to change him.

Oh, yeah, no problem.

TED: Oh! Fuck me!
TAMI-LYNN: What's the matter?

TED: That can't be normal.
He's got to be sick.

TAMI-LYNN: He's not sick,
it's just baby doody.

JOHN: Yeah, that's what
babies do, Teddy.

TED: Oh, you don't think this diaper's gross?
JOHN: No.

TED: All right.
Here, catch.
(DIAPER SQUISHING)

JOHN: Oh, Teddy,
what the fuck? (SCREAMING)

(TED LAUGHING)
Holy shit!
Oh, you motherfucker!

(CAMERA CLICKING)
TED: Hashtag "Shit happens."

(BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING)