Original subtitles

Today is the first day of Sabre's new project

to develop a chain of retail stores.

Nellie Bertram Head of Special Projects.

Work starts at 9:00.

Sabre HQ is 30 minutes away driving the speed limit,

giving everyone 20 minutes to shower,

plus 50 for Jim to style his hair,

20 for breakfast, 40 for Erin to get post between her room and the lobby,

90 for Ryan to do his morning ecstasy.

We're already 20 minutes late

Wake up! (SCREAMS)

Hey, hey, hey hey, wake up! Ow

Why are you sleeping that way?

Oh. I was reading the mattress tag and I fell asleep.

Stanley! Wake up You've got to wake up The hotel's on fire!

Stanley, wake up It's pretzel day

(SIGHS)

Good morning

Hey, wake up Let's have some fun. We're in Florida now

Hey, you. I'm so glad this is happening

door twice last night

Come on in, the water's fine

Oh, not coo

sleep schedule, so I'm up and at 'em at 4:1 5

But no kids, so I honestly didn't know what to do with myself

And then I thought of something. Uh

Here is Dwight What the

Oh, man

What do you think happened?

Looks like Jim got mixed up with some bad apples. (GASPS)

Oh, no, no, no, no It wasn't me

at the Alcohol Club."

(BOTH SCREAM)

Puppet Cool. For your kids?

Yeah. It's weird being away from them. I've never done this before

Attention Dunder Mifflin group proceed outside.

The vehicle is waiting Seats have been assigned

Shotgun goes to Ryan

Congratulations, Ryan

I need to make Nellie see me as a leader today.

First impressions get locked in forever

When I first met Pam she said something

that slightly rubbed me the wrong way

Since then I've loved working with Pam

and she's frankly wonderful

but I hate her

I'll have a bottle of the antacid

Also I want to get a souvenir for my son

but his mother doesn't acknowledge my paternity.

Do you have anything for that?

Also I want it to have a Florida feel

What does he like?

Power

Okay, and this one is, "Huh. Don't see too many museums around here."

Okay, Twiggy, that's enough Get in the car.

Hey, are you okay?

I'm fine, okay? I'm just stressed

because I care about this project

And frankly, the fact that none of you

are vomiting or diarrheal right now

Who says none of us are diarrheal?

Are you sure it's stress? Because I did poison you

Very funny, Jim

Oh, no, I'm serious. I was thinking for this trip

so what should that be?

And then I thought of it I'll poison you

What are you going to do? Are you going to steal my newspaper

or put a cricket in my cereal or something?

I'm gonna set your face on fire. That's a good one

Whoa. Stanley, did you just come back

from burning down a rival night club?

Laugh it up, Halpert

I'm in Florida for a month without my family I'm going to enjoy this.

Want to get in? You can work the iPod

Yes

You're a nice guy, Jim but you have no idea how to vacation.

Find some Kenny Loggins

Loggins and Messina

Did I say Messina?

(YELLS) Sorry, I couldn't resist It's so quiet.

It's so peaceful, I've already written 12 plays today

It's so quiet, one might say you could hear a pin...

would be cooler

Hey, can you pick up the pin?

Some of us like to work in our bare feet

Of course. I will pick up the pin It is right here

Got it Can we see that? Did you really find it?

Yes. Right here. Got it. Dink. Ow

In the trash Hey, why is it so quiet?

Shouldn't the phone be ringing?

Uh-oh

Erin set the phone to voicemail

Great. Oh, my God, we're screwed

There (PHONE RINGING)

Oh, there we go. Pam?

Yeah

Can you get the phone?

Well, I'm not the receptionist

Well, you used to be

I know but I can't cover reception I have a ton of work to do.

Phone's ringing

Will one of you get the phone? I am freaking out! I know it's for me.

(RINGING CONTINUES)

Are you guys kidding me? Stop flirting and someone get the phone

Answer the phone

Pick up the phone

Andy, you're standing up

You're the closest one to it

Fine

Hello. Dunder Mifflin

Hello, you've reached Dunder Mifflin. How may I be of service?

How was the drive? Fantastic

Stanley drives so fast

Life is short. Drive fast leave a sexy corpse. That's one of my mottos

I would love to hear the other mottos

Quick query, Halpert

No way

Still queer?

Packer

You can't put me down Too strong

Yeah, Dwight and Jim tried to get me fired.

But I landed on my feet down here in Florida

You see, this cat's got nine lives and a nine-inch

Say, "So who's leading this thing anyway?'

So who's leading this thing anyway?

Psst. Say, "I can't wait to meet him.'

"Him," you said? Don't think a woman can be a leader?

l You poor, simple boy

Expected a man, did you?

Strong, powerful huge whopping penis? Well, sorry to disappoint

But my huge whopping penis is right here and I'm not afraid to use it

So stop looking at my breasts and start looking at my penis.

I'm Nellie Bertram President of Special Projects

In the next few weeks we're going to throw

everything you know about business

out of the window and do it our own way

Are your minds blown?

So, how did this special project come about anyway?

Well, I interviewed to be the manager of your branch

After you decided I wasn't a good fit...

It was Ah. Mmm-mmm

It was. I went on a shopping spree

Very destructive, I bought 1/ pianos

Then I realized, what if Sabre had a store? Hmm?

So I called Jo old friend, founder of Sabre and I told her,

and she grabbed me by the shoulders and she said, "Yes!'

So let's talk about this Sabre store then

Probably going to look stupid, right?

Like a big turd with a door on the front, right?

What do you think it should look like?

It might be fun if each store had a different theme

like a beach one, a winter one, a jungle one

No. Not a big fan of the winter aesthetic

Well, that was just one idea It doesn't have to be winter.

Oh, no, it does. It does

It has to be winter and I reject it

So I drew up a design concept probably going to be rubbish, right?

Would you like to look at it? Just so you can laugh at it

Yeah

Let me just get the projector working

You got to stop with the antacids It's not the antidote

You didn't poison me It's just stress.

Okay

What is the antidote?

True love's kiss

Jim, help me lower this screen

You're a big tall man

You'd be hilarious trying to do it like a little boy.

Just let go of his balloon

I'll do it. (GRUNTS)

something done right, ask Dwight.

Right, Dwight

Right, Dwight. Right, Dwight. Right, Dwight

Sorry. Now you'll never be able to get that out of your head

(WHIMPERS)

(GROANS IN PAIN)

(SCREAMING)

There we go

Yes, a complete inability to pass gas, pervert.

Yeah, it's tender, but it can't be appendicitis. I eat more than enough bacon

Okay, what poison mimics the symptoms of appendicitis?

You don't know. Hold on

(GRUNTING)

What kind of poison did you use?

Dwight, I didn't poison you I was kidding

Yeah, I'm going to need an ambulance

Hold on. I have the address in my phone Hold on.

Sabre has assigned Hold on one second

...the following positions in the retail division.

Uh, quick question

Vice President, who is that? There is no name listed.

Is there not? Maybe I'm just waiting for someone to wow me

Sir? Sir, where should we send the ambulance?

Send it to the freaking moon, idiot

I'll tell you what, though since my move down to Florida

I've really gotten back into hunting, big-time.

Hunting's so primal almost sexual - Totally.

Yeah, I mean I'd never bang an animal

You can hardly tell the difference

between a boy or a girl you know?

But hunting's intense

You talking about hunting?

I'm a master hunter

Did you say "masturbator"?

I'm a decent baiter. My cousin, Mose, that's a master baiter

Why are you sitting down like that?

Why is everyone else standing up?

Okay, team, let's get back to work Break's over

Wow. Are you that bored?

It's just rum I'm not bored. I'm a pirate

Is that another motto?

It's whatever you want

Hmm

Or do you only drink with your kids?

No, let's do it

Woah. That's healthy

I've spent so much of my life telling myself,

"Please, don't end up like Stanley.'

And now I'm wondering if I even have what it takes

We have the Sabre pyramid, right? We've got a bunch of humans

You guys. Humans, pyramid

Human pyramid. Do you follow?

It's a team-building exercise

You love it. Who's in?

Tallahassee, let's go

Jim, are you in?

Oh, I don't know

Sounds like a hoot. I'm in

All right What the heck? Let's do it

This is great. This is going to be great

I feel like I'm in ancient Egypt.

I'll be on top That's the most important position

Dude, I think you have appendicitis. (GROANS)

Dwight, why don't we just hold off

with the human pyramids for a while?

Everyone stop moving. Everyone stop wiggling

going to vomit

Dude, don't you yak on me This shirt is Van Heusen

Oh, stop moving

No one's moving. (GROANING)

(ALL GASPING)

Arrest Jim. He poisoned me

What? No. No It was not a poisoning

The one thing Pam made sure I knew,

Florida's pretty loose with the death penalty

You need an operation You have appendicitis

Oh! Who called it? Nothing but net

How long will he be gone?

Two or three days

Don't remember me like this

Remember me as the man who pulled down the screen

Drama queen, am I right?

Philip, if you're hearing this memo

that can only mean one thing, I am dead

You are the rightful heir to Schrute Farms. Please, you must do one thing

Kill Mose before he kills you

Mose. Hey, it's Dwight

Listen, yeah, I just want to give you a heads up

That was an interesting diversion

Should we get back to the meeting?

Woah. Are those mini pizzas?

Yeah. I figure if we keep things savory

while Oscar's mouth is in canker country

bacon-wrapped dates on deck.

Look at these little mini pizzas. Does this make me look huge?

(GIGGLES) Hey, guys look at me, I'm huge.

Hey, Darryl, good news your fax went through.

Oh (BLEEP) yeah

Up high

Yes, sir. Thanks. (PHONE RINGS)

Dunder Mifflin, this is Andy. I put out some new magazines Check it out

Ah, Dwell.

I'm acting like I like Reception, and I'm a really good actor

so people are actually buying that p actually like Reception.

But I mean, seriously, Reception sucks

(PHONE RINGS) Ooh! There's the phone

I just got out of surgery

What's going on? Fill me in

Well, we broke into groups and the groups are giving presentations later.

Who's doing the presentations?

Packer's giving one

Jim will probably give ours, I guess.

Damn it

Let's see What else have you missed?

Ryan switched his name tag to his pants

so now it's like if you wear yours

on your shirt you're a total dip

But if you switch you're a copycat

But I think I figured out a solution

What else? My shoes are... (GROANS)

...features the tech support area Bring in your product,

a bunch of nerdy virgins fix it on the spot

Huge for building loyalty

Yes, that is a very good point

Yeah, Todd, decent idea

Obvious, but interesting

Dwight, are you all right?

I'm great. How are you?

Uh.

What's our presentation about?

Dwight, will you go back to the hospital?

You were there for like three hours.

I got the surgery. What else is there to do?

Do 100 jumping jacks No. I don't feel like it.

You do 100 jumping jacks

...ninety-seven, 98, 99

You haven't done any of the research

You're too slow. You're too small. Seabiscuit is a stupid name

You guys sound just like the enemies of Seabiscuit

I'm going to do it

Oh, let him do it

Stanley, are you listening to music?

Yep

All right, who's ready for the next presentation?

Oh... What is your topic?

What is our topic? Oh, what a topic it is. Mmm-hmm

Retail consumer habits

Really? Okay

Retail consumer habits is

The only thing you need to know

about retail consumer habits is that

consumers are mindless lemmings

They just want to be told what to do

Fast-forward to today and the retail consumer is independent

well-informed, super smart Super smart

Okay

Shopping habits are both seasonal and cyclical

What does this mean?

No, sit down

Seasonal, well, the Christmas shopping season is certainly a busy one.

Back to school is as well

and in early summer it seems to slow down a bit

But shopping is also cyclical

The menstrual cycle determines every choice a woman makes.

You see, during ovulation a woman's only goal is to get pregnant.

During menses she is sad that she has failed.

And how does the woman console herself?

Shopping. Shopping

Just, Jim, could you fetch me some ice chips?

Thank you. Just gonna take a brief pause at this point

Thank you

Oh, God

Next slide

Mail call

His name is Oscar, and he's got some mail

And he better open it or go to jail, 'cause it's your taxes

His name is Kevin, and no mail for him

But he got a coupon for some frozen yogurt

Are those the lyrics?

"Anderson's Three Pillars of Retail."

Crucial. So important

Next

Are there any questions?

What are the Three Pillars of Retail?

Convenience Ingredients.

Service Burgers.

Building loyalty

Killing royalty

But truth be told we should really

disregard Anderson's Three Pillars

He was later diagnosed with dementia

You know what is important?

Is Dwight's pillars and there's only one, desire

Do we have a desire to dominate the retail space?

Not just succeed in it but to dominate.

And looking around this room I'm not so sure that we do

But we can get there

And I can lead us there, and that is all that matters

Very true. Where there's a will, there's a way.

a passionate night

with Hugh Grant's brother John Grant

He's older than Hugh just a little bit uglier.

How did I pull that off?

Sheer force of will

That is very good, Dwight

Thank you very much Any other questions?

Jim

You are bleeding through your shirt

Oops

That's embarrassing Egg on my face

Ah

Hey, having fun?

Yes, I am as a matter of fact

Oh, I know how it is I know it's a lot of fun

I don't know how it is. Andy, this is a lame job

What are you doing here?

Andy, when I was 12 years old we did a field trip, a lock-in at the zoo.

I was in love with her

But when the sun came up I knew it wasn't real

because she was ugly and I had grown tired of her

Reception today

but tomorrow you won't want to do her

She's a dog

Guys, I don't like this analogy

Oh, fine

Did you see this?

It's nice

(GIGGLES)

How are you feeling?

Amazing

Just lost four ounces of appendix

already replaced it with muscle.

Can I see the wound?

Oh, that's disgusting That's barely healed.

You're not paying me to heal You're paying me to kick ass

A few hours ago, your body was open like a cabinet

That's right That is amazing

Todd, look at that

Oh, yikes

Incoming

Not so fast

Would you come in early tomorrow

so we could talk about the store over breakfast?

a lot to offer.

It would be an honor, ma'am

I'll go ahead and cancel my post-op checkup right now

the first was to make myself the clear candidate for Vice President

I achieved that, no thanks to my appendix

The second was to find a memorable souvenir for Philip.

For that, I do have to thank my appendix

(PHONE RINGING)

Dunder Mifflin, how can I help you save money on paper?

This is Andrew

Hi, Andrew. What happened to Erin?

Oh, she's on an assignment in Florida for a couple weeks.

Oh, good for her. She's such a sweetheart.

You tell her Donna Moraski misses her.

Everyone, we have a very special guest

He turned an idea into a store into hundreds of stores

of Famous Amos cookies.

Yeah

(ALL CHEERING)

So I hear you're all looking to

bake up some dough in the sales game.

Well, back when I was regular Amos

What's under the cloth?

We'll get to that

Cookies. I bet you anything it's cookies

It's cookies

Let me finish my speech first

Oh, we get the gist It's just success and effort, isn't it?

So just don't be coy. Make with the cookies

Cookies

Famous, hi

I'm sure you get ideas for new cookies all the time

But I... Is it oatmeal with no raisins?

I'm sorry to have wasted your time

That's okay Thank you very much