Original subtitles

two three four five

six seven

You want some coffee?

No, I hate coffee.

Two, four, six, eight, ten, eleven,

twelve, thirteen.

I've been planning this and planning this for a year.

Everyone knows how important my birthday is to me.

Everyone.

I mean, last year, Hawaii, Kona, whatever, it was fine.

But this year, this birthday, on my lucky number, the 13th, falls on Friday,

the 13th. And I am going on this trip.

And I'm so excited about it. And last night, I found out that Ben is

canceling. And that's why you asked for this emergency couples therapy session.

I am just so mad at him.

You are getting on that plane tomorrow and you are going on that trip.

Or... Or... Elsa, I'm

breaking up with you.

That seems a little harsh. Ben, I'd like to interject here.

As you know, Kira, who I've been seeing for years since her troubles with

bulimia, which...

I know she shared with you.

Kira has a condition called... Triskaidekaphilia.

Yes, I'm aware. Yeah.

She's obsessed with the number 13.

She... To her, it's a sign of good luck.

She's into numerology. She talks about it.

A lot.

Is that a dig?

Ben, I'm aware that you and Kira have only been dating...

two months and flying across the world to the 13 isles of the grenadines maybe

a work inconvenience he's in the hospice care business and his last client died

yesterday so he's free or maybe it's too big a step now in your relationship

no no no no no no it is it is not that no

um it's more than what say it from the look on your face it's

obviously big

Are you not a Taylor fan?

You lied to me. You're not a Swiftie. No, no, no. I actually, I really like

Taylor. I have 13 of my best girlfriends going on this trip. And I told them,

it's the greatest.

You're going to meet him and fall in love with him.

And what am I going to tell them now?

Starting today, you are going to tell them the truth.

I have Triskaidekaphobia.

What?

What is that?

I have a fear of the number 13.

Got the number 13 tattooed on my neck.

When the ink starts to age, then turn to red.

I was born in the soul of misery.

Never had.

They just gave me the number when I was young.

Girl, you need to perk the fuck up. Okay, this is a good thing. You're

better off without him. But he fucked me so good.

And he actually wanted children.

And his favorite album was Evermore, which is my favorite album. Fuck him.

Okay, we're gonna party. And we're gonna just enjoy this fucking birthday, girl.

Here's to all things 13.

Cheers then to that.

I pray you don't look at me. I pray I don't look. I

was born in the soul of misery.

Never had me a name.

They just gave me the number when I was young.

I was born in the soul of misery.

Never had me a name.

They just gave me the number when I was young.

I did it for you.

I had to face my fear head on.

What's the worst that could happen, right?

That's what I just kept saying to myself as I raised you.

Honestly, what's the worst that could happen?

It's all right.

Very nice, Ophelia.

Now concentrate.

No, no, no. Do not frown.

Yes.

Better.

Neutral expression works best for the ascending spell.

The effort should be evidenced by the act of obje levitation, not by the

constipated look on your face.

Madison. Thoughts?

The wrist action is delightfully faggy and in the they-them pocket.

Surprise, bitch.

This witch approves.

Close the shutters!

What? What do you sense?

A harbinger.

Of our doom.

Death.

So much terrifying, vengeful death.

It's probably global warming.

You're always so dramatic.

Well, it is my job.

I am the fucking supreme.

Something wicked this way comes.

It's time.

Shuffle off to Buffalo, as they say.

Go on now.

Amen.

you

Welcome to the Epoli. How may I help you?

Yeah, hi.

Uh, my name's Ben DeSoto.

I'm here to see the caregiver.

Yes, we've been waiting for you. 13th floor. 13th floor.

13th floor.

13th floor.

Sorry, there are no 13th floors in any residential building in the city.

Well, there are in this one.

Your client owns the entire 13th floor.

What a renovation some years back.

But worth it.

You don't believe in that old superstition, do you? That the 13th

floor is cursed or some weird unnatural thing like that?

The elevator's on the right.

Have a good day.

Yeah, you too.

One, two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight.

Admiring the Last Supper, I see.

Jesus and his 12 disciples, including that very misunderstood Judas.

You can almost taste that hummus.

It's a very good imitation of a very good painting.

Imitation?

Well, it's a goddamn da Vinci masterpiece.

The one in the Basilica di Santa Maria del Grazie. That's the copy.

I'm the nighttime attendant.

It's nice to meet you.

Are you all right, ma'am?

I'm sorry.

It's just in this thin winter light with that swarthy complexion for an instant.

You look just like a boy I used to know.

No, he was a Jew.

Such a sad end.

After my rejection, they found his body washed up on the shores of Lake

Pontchartrain. In his despair, he had leapt from the causeway bridge.

I'm sorry.

I'm told your name is Benjamin.

Then go by Ben.

Well, that's as Hebrew as Jehovah.

My people are Italian.

Well, that would have even been worse.

If there was one thing my daddy hated, it was the Italians.

All those mobsters and Vatican eunuchs.

Why, he wouldn't even let them work on our roof.

Come on.

Down here.

and tried spaghetti until I was 24 years old.

Here. Here, this way.

Oh, by the way, I'm Constance, the daytime caregiver.

Well, let me introduce you to Mr.

Please.

One, two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight, nine.

I found it. It has fallen behind his hemorrhoid

cream.

Arnica, such a product.

Hail, Arnica.

Hail!

So, Mr. Noz is... 87 years young, 13 more years till 100.

Oh, and what a life.

Philanthropist, husband, father to us all, poet and prophet.

Well, he looks a bit like a turtle now, but... Oh, my.

Back in the day. Ooh.

He was a looker.

Age is the ultimate cruelty.

Proof to me that there is no God.

So, our patient, he was abandoned by his family for late-stage hospice care?

Abandoned?

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no loved by us praise his name and what he

has done for the world 10

11 12 13 bring on the arnica sister

moon got what I need

That's a huge blood draw for someone in late-stage hospice.

Biomarkers. We check for age and disease once a week. It's in the service

contract. Mr.

Nas personally requested this information.

He's a stat kind of guy, apparently, even though he's a vegetable.

Careful, Mr.

Fibes. We don't want our young charge thinking you're a vulgarian. Come on.

Just come on. Come on, come on.

Let's move this along.

I've got to show them the ropes.

And now on to my favorite time of day with Mister.

Something I do religiously before the end of every shift.

The ever delightful sponge bath.

Benny. Oh, I'm sorry. Maybe I'll call you, Benny.

Sure. I just want to say I heard about what had

happened from your placement agency.

A horrible plane crash.

And just a month ago...

And yet here you are.

How?

It was a miracle, actually.

The plane crashed.

I took a nosedive.

The pilots, they got it under control.

Kind of right at the last minute. Crashed where?

In the ocean.

Oh, my goodness.

That was you.

Oh, I read all about it on the Yahoo News.

Yeah, I was in one seat, 13F, that survived the crash somehow.

I don't remember, but the rescue crew found me. They said I didn't sink. I

didn't have a scratch on me. So it was... Goddamn miracle.

Yeah, so my girlfriend, she... She died, obviously.

Yes,

and so did 12 of her friends.

Only one of them didn't die.

She survived 13B.

And so did I.

Gracious. Oh.

Thirteen souls taken.

The universe must have something in store for you.

Mister likes to bathe in gin, not tea, body splash.

So we pour in an extra dash.

Oh, wonderful smell.

You know, it smells just like 1983.

Oh, what a year that was.

Bowie was big that year.

Bigger than any gods.

And of course...

My, my daughter was born 1983.

Oh no, wait, wait.

Maybe it was earlier.

Your daughter, is she still with us?

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.

All of my children are alive and thriving.

Okay, so we start with the orifices.

openings, membranes, wherever we find them.

And his nostrils clean out that old man debris,

snot and pollution. That's right, just stretch and swab, stretch and swab.

Now his nips.

His nips.

Nipples.

And then we move on to his urethra.

What?

I'm sorry, what?

His urethra.

It's just another membrane, and we have to keep all the mucus and bodily fluids

running, keep everything in good operational condition.

Wait. I have worked in hospice for five years, and I have never once been asked

to clean a patient's urethra pre-catheter. Well, it's what we do

here. So just do it.

Do it. Go on. Get a Q-tip over there.

Okay. Come on.

Come on.

Now you open the glands, and then you swab, swab, swab, swab.

Swish that old thing around in Jean Naté suds.

Like that.

Yeah, good.

Okay. And then it's done, and you're glad you did it.

Now we're going to move on to down under.

We're going to... His butthole, okay?

Well, you're looking at me like I'm some kind of fucking pervert. No, not at all.

It's in his contract.

He asks for it, he demands it, we do it, okay?

I understand.

Okay.

Nice and clean, right as rain.

Good. All right.

Well...

Oh, darling, when you finish here, you think you could be a lamb and run down

to the corner to the Korean and get me a pack of ciggies? Would you do that?

Huh?

I love to change his linens.

put us at the brink of a worldwide food shortage, but how it could lead to the

next global pandemic.

Jessica? Nobody's in Italy after another brazen cemetery break-in. Outside

Bologna, thieves burglarized a guarded crypt, making off with the remains of

Benito Mussolini, the late dictator known as Il Duce. The ransacking of the

World War II despots' final resting place is the latest in a worldwide

string of grave robberies. Corpses of the infamous have gone...

seen throughout Europe and Interpol is on high alert.

Yes.

Once more.