All language subtitles for Ghosts.Australia.S01E04.2160p.WEB.h265-EDITH_Legendas01.ENG

[Playful music]

[Gideon]
Today on 'Culture Club',

'The Mutiny on the Bounty,
part seven'.

Captain Bligh and most of
the loyalists, including myself,

were forced onto
a small rowboat.

Then, the treacherous mutineers

sailed back to a tropical island
full of semi-naked women,

for no fathomable reason.

As midshipman,

I gathered a handful of
young, girthy privates.

[Kate chuckles]

And I assigned them

to scrub the excrement.

Scrub harder, Private!

[Satan grunts]

[Phone rings]

Ah, Katherine, there is
no more pivotal moment

in Australian history

than the mutiny on the 'Bounty'.

Apart from
everything before that

and everything after that.

-[Gideon] Uh... Hmm.
-[Miranda] It says 'Mum'.

And there's a photo of you
being suffocated by a woman

with her arms.

That's called a hug, Miranda.

You know they named a chocky bar
after the 'Bounty'?

-Did they? Is it good?
-Nah.

Got a bunch of missed calls
from Mel.

Yes, so do I, but I can't deal
with Mum today.

Uh, Katherine, how envious
everyone is of your ears

to hear this story
for the first time.

-[Knock at door]
-The first time of many.

-[Woman] Kate!
-[Gideon stammers]

[Woman] Sean!

I know you're in there!

[Quirky music]

Boo.

-Mum!
-Wow, what a nice surprise.

What are you doing here?

Well, what do you expect?

You don't answer
my calls or texts,

but thank the ancestors,

Sean left his Find My Phone on.

-Hi, Sean.
-Hi, Mel.

[Mel] Come here, baby girl.

-Mmm!
-[Kate] Mm.

[Mel] Oh, wow. Look at this.

-Ooh!
-[Quirky, spooky music]

Feel that?
You smoked the place yet?

-Yes.
-Uhh...

-Of course, Mum. Yeah, we did.
-Yeah.

Red river gum, red box,
or narrow-leaf peppermint?

-Ye...yeah. All good.
-She...

Yeah.

Oh, you make me so proud.

[Sean chuckles]

How many people you reckon
might have died here, then?

-None.
-A...a few?

-A few, I guess, yeah.
-A few, maybe.

Well, 29, technically.

Although,
17 have been sucked off.

[Eileen] Hm!

[Theme music]

[Electricity crackles]

[Kate] Um, it wasn't Dad,
actually.

It was Great-Uncle Alan.

[Sean] Alfred.

Bloody dog, your father was.

Left me nothing but cold sores.

[Kate] Cold sores and me.

Of course, Katie-Koala-Kaka-Bum!

Come here and let me
bust you up, my darlin'.

-Ohhh.
-[Joon] Uh, excuse me, Kate.

[Kate] Take a seat, Mum.

I have old sores too.

We know.

Uh, sorry we missed your call,
Mel.

We've been busy with the renos.

I can see that. Real busy.

With a sledgehammer.

[Kate] Who wants a cuppa?

As long as it's Bushells,
and don't low-tide me.

As if I've ever
low-tided anyone.

What do you think that is?

Sorry, sorry.
Um, big cups. Sorry.

I'll just, um, uh...

You never be making me a cuppa.

That's because you're dead.
You can't even drink.

Still, nice to be offered. Ugh!

OK.

[Gideon] What's taking so long?

Your mother's able-bodied.

Have her hand out refreshments.

I haven't finished telling you
my story about the 'Bounty'.

[Kate] Uh, sorry, Mum.

I'm just gonna
take care of something.

I'll just be one second.

Sean, can you just do
this for...? Thank you.

I'll just be one moment.
Thank you.

-Out of here.
-Splendid.

Now, you'll be interested
to know

that Bligh, the famed navigator,

turned to me constantly
for assistance.

How many tea bags, Mel?
One or...

-[Gideon continues chattering]
-What, two?

After that drive, it's five.

Yeah?

I hope that poop bowl's
been cleaned.

I gave it a good wipe, so I did.

OK, listen up, everyone.

For the ongoing adventures
of the 'Bounty'.

-Satan, hit the deck.
-[Satan sighs] Yep.

[Kate] No, not that.

For this weekend only,
you can watch TV

for as long as you'd like.

Binge your dead
little hearts out. Go on.

Just please, please
do not bother me around my mum.

Yeah?

Because if she finds out
there's spirits here,

she'll assume that you're evil.

How am I evil?

I'm closing the gap
in your cultural education.

And that, everybody,
is why he is a martini olive.

-[Gasps and grumbles]
-Anyway, back to the point.

She will make me move home.

Which means that you will all

go back to being
eternally bored.

[Gideon grunts
and clears throat]

Thank you, Eileen.

-OK. Satan?
-[Satan] What?

You're in charge, Private.

No, I don't want
to be in charge.

[Door squeaks and thuds]

[Quirky music]

Uh... OK.

Um...

Well, we could watch 'Two Hands'
or 'Romper Stomper' or, um...

What's that there with a haggard
mammy and wee ones and boxes?

[Lindy] 'OctoMum:
Me & My 14 Kids'. Oh.

[Miranda] That sounds traumatic.

But that's me! I'm an OctoMum.

Finally, the Holy Father's
throwing me a bone.

G'wan.
Push the button for 'OctoMum'.

'OctoM...' No.

[Lindy]
Maybe we could watch something

a bit more fun for everyone.

'Grease'.
No, no, no. 'Grease 2'.

No. 'Grease'.

Attention!

Good, Private.

Now, go to Documentary.

Yes, boss. Documentary.

There! The 'Paths of Bath'.

A glorious meander down
the laneways of my home town.

[Roars]

[Suspenseful music]

[Roars]

-[Orchestral music plays]
-[Satan] There we go.

[Narrator] The cobblestone
paths of Bath are...

I hate it!

Is it all paths?

Kill me now.

-Beautiful cobblestones.
-Gorgeous.

Yes! Oh, the texture.

Sublime.

[Orchestral music continues]

[Sighs]

[Mel] Still can't make a bed,
eh, bub?

Because you always
did it for me, Mum.

I made your bed so you had time

for more important things,

like being a lawyer
and fighting for change.

I wasn't saving the world, Mum.

I worked 70 hours a week

to help big companies

eat little companies.

I worked two jobs, plus my art,

to pay for the degree
that you're not even using.

It was a nothing job, Mum.

I was the token blackfella

they could use
on their annual report.

Then use them back
as a stepping stone.

Go corporate.

Set yourself up and then, boom,
your legal aid era.

I suppose this is what you call
cultural appropriation.

[Kate] What do you want from me?

To make the most of your talent.

The others have turned mutinous.

Instead of making beds
for a living.

[Gideon] They are blocking
the television

and I simply must know
why they chose bluestone

to cobble the hobble
on Bobbleberry Way.

-[Kate] Stop!
-[Mel] Stop what?

Caring about my baby girl?

Sorry.

I just, um...I just need
to take care of something.

[Mel] Where are you goin'?

We're having a good yarn.

Move! If the boss says we're
watching 'Paths of Bath',

then we're watching
'Paths of Bath'.

Satan!

Do something more!

Oi!

-Sit down.
-[Operatic music plays]

Down. In your seats.
Hurry up. Come on.

[Narrator] ..utter delight
to all who will have the...

[Swedish narrator]
Four sweaty strangers

in one sweaty sauna

and things get steamy.

This is 'Hotbox'.

What on earth is that?

It's a Swedish reality show.

It's called 'Hotbox'

and everyone's obsessed with it.

Filthy.

The Swedes are nothing but

a bunch of
fornicating naked pagans.

Why are they so...wet?

They're stuck in a sauna until
they hook up or dehydrate.

There's, like, 12 seasons.
You're gonna love it, yeah?

[Astrid] So Karin
did sex with Sven,

which is crazy

because she doesn't
even find him...

-Look at their perky...
-Hair.

Yes, their perky...hair.

[Gideon mutters] I don't
want to watch 'Hotbox'.

Gideon, what's the problem?

The only thing I wish
to see exquisitely laid

is moist cobblestone.

[Kate] OK, I'll get
the iPad ready.

[Indistinct chatter on TV]

[Kate] There. Happy?

No, I don't want
this tiny life raft.

I want control of
the original vessel.

Sit down. Down.

[Narrator on iPad] Following
three years of severe rain...

Satan, come hither.

I refuse to endure
this indignity alone.

[Stately music plays on iPad]

Alright, orders are orders.

Move, Munch!

Excuse me, Lindy, I've just
got to sit next to the boss.

-[Gideon] There's a good boy.
-[Satan sighs]

-Satan.
-Yeah?

You know,
if you don't stand up to him,

it's never going to change,
yeah?

[Stately music continues]

Now I've got to go
bleach the toilet for my mother.

[Types]

Oh. Um...

You on Marketplace?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
just trying to offload

some of Great-Uncle Alfred's
old stuff.

[Quirky music]

[Mel sighs]

$300.

Oh, don't know if anyone's
gonna pay that for that.

-[Types] Vintage?
-Ah.

-Non-smoker.
-Hm.

Blak-owned? A capital B-L-A-K?

Great-Uncle Alfred
was actually white.

-It's Kate's now, isn't it?
-Yep.

Buyers are desperate for
anything Blak-adjacent.

Oh, maybe with your art.

But an old chair
with a bum dent?

Barangaroo's bum dent.

Really?

It is now.

[Karin] I am so hot.

[Astrid] I am hotter.

You are far less hot than me.

[Astrid] I am hotter
and I will prove it.

She took her temperature
and it turns out she was.

Bad enough your bodies
have rotted.

Now this filth
is rotting your minds.

Who wants to leave the sauna
and go-go naked in the snow, ja?

[Karin] I do.

But not with you.

I did want to leave,
but not with Sven.

[Gideon] Ah!

[Narrator] After the break...

Watch this, not that.

Those two
are just bosom friends.

They can't possibly 'hook up',
as they say.

[Laughs] Miranda,
women can be with women.

[Woman] Because they are in
sauna, which is actually...

Pardon?

They're called lesbians.

Holy Father and Mother Mary,

gouge me eyes out
with burning sticks!

But real lesbians
don't look like that.

Real lesbians look like,
um...

-..Satan.
-Huh?

[Lindy] And they don't really
like saunas.

They like things like
rescue dogs and protesting.

What do they protest for?

For their rights.

What kind of rights?

Their rights to party.

[Laptop chimes]

Hm! See? What did I tell you?

[Sean laughs awkwardly]

This is...this is really

the traditional way to say
thanks?

Feels right to me, bub. Aww!

G'wan, the blazes!

Ooh, that's good.

You've done alright
for yourself, eh, boy?

Free mansion
falling into your lap?

I'm not on the title
or anything.

All this peace and quiet...

Artists like me,
we crave fresh landscapes.

New vibes, new skies.

-Quietness can be overrated.
-Hm.

City's not the same
since Kate left.

For so long,
it was just me and her.

We were a team.

And now there's you,
right in the middle.

[Quirky, awkward music]

[Sean stammers]

[Whoosh!]

What's going on here, then?

I cleaned all that
but yesterday.

Yes, and I really appreciate
your invisible dusting, Eileen,

but my mum appreciates
clean grout.

For heaven's sake,
has this woman been canonised?

You're here scrubbing the tub.

Sean's in there
grinding her trotters.

-[Door opens]
-What?

[Sean] Kate.

Hey.

So, um...

I've done something that
you may not appreciate at first,

but in fact, I think you'll find
it's actually rather beautiful.

-What did you do to Mum?
-[Sean] What? Nothing.

Wait, who's in here?

Uh, it doesn't matter. Nothing.

-Nothing to you, am I?
-What happened, Sean?

Uh, it was just a purely
traditional foot rub.

What?

And then I asked her
to move in with us.

-What?!
-I know, I know, I know.

But we have eight bedrooms,
Kate.

Six are filled with ghosts.

Should be filled with children.

I think she's just lonely.

[Kate] I don't care.

I don't want to live
with my mum, Sean.

I'm 30 years old.

I just want to be
a normal person

and live with my man
and my ghosts.

She's unpacking her car.

Lovely. Great.

You realise this was
her plan all along?

She has guilt-tripped you
into this.

'Guilt-tripped'?

She didn't guilt-trip me, Kate.

She just mentioned
that I should feel bad

about inheriting this house

and muscling my way
in the middle of you two.

Then she called me 'bub'
and her feet were in my hands,

and, oh, my God,
she did guilt-trip me.

Wait, all this time I could have
been using my tales of woe

to get things.

[Kate]
It's not your fault, Sean.

Mum knows that
you're an easy target.

I'll sort it out. Yep.

[Gideon] Mayday! Mayday!

The life raft has gone down.

That's it. No more 'Hotbox'.

We're going back to
'Paths of Bath'.

It's time to overthrow
the dastardly mutineers.

[sultry saxophone music on TV]

[Satan] Do we have to, boss?
I mean, they look really happy.

How dare you defy me, Private!

I order you to capsize
their vessel.

[Karl] The girls are hooking up

and I'm boiling alone,
like a sad little frankfurt.

Well...well, then no-one
can watch anything.

I'd sooner never see
another 'Path of Bath'

than let the traitors win.

Attack!

Mmm!

That TV's dead!
After I go psych myself up.

[Gideon] Where are you
going, man?

You're supposed to
go down with the ship!

[sultry music continues]

So is this any good?

What have I missed?

[Both] Lesbians.

[Internet chef] Give 'em a chop.
Get 'em ready for the sauce.

I don't care
how you chop 'em up.

That's up to you, champignon.

Juice your limes into the bowl.
[Whistles]

While you're cooking, champion.

-[Satan growls]
-Consider this.

We all know people who can be
controlling and manipulative,

whether it be family, mates
or someone at work.

If people are constantly
bossing you around

and taking advantage of you,

it's time to introduce
boundaries

and voice your feelings
out loud, mate.

Voice my feelings out loud?

Mate, just how much lime juice?

I stand firm
in my worth.

I stand firm in my worth.

The only boss of me is me.

The only boss of me...

..is me.

[Internet chef] In goes a
quarter of a cup of lime juice.

-Oh.
-While I've got ya.

Don't forget to like and
subscribe and all that stuff.

Mum, we need to talk about
this whole moving-in thing.

Don't worry. It's all sorted.

I've unpacked, got my art stuff,
all settled in.

Wow, that's a lot of stuff
you've brought.

Come here.

I've been working on something
special I wanna show you.

The brown represents
the river out back.

The black is for you, and I'll
put some white in for Sean.

See this line here, bub?

Mm-hm.

It's me, because now I'm here,

watching over you both forever.

Mmm.

When is it you'll be
kicking her out, then?

It's, um...
It's really beautiful, Mum.

Stay as long as you want.

That woman's a genius.

I'm not here to sex,

but to be clear, I'm also
not here not to not sex.

OK, change of plan.

I need you to haunt my mum
out of this house,

because if I kick her out,
it's gonna break her heart.

So I need you all
to do it for me.

Katherine, can't you see

I'm in the middle of
a mutinous revenge?

But...hang on.

I'm giving you the opportunity
to be your worst selves,

to do the ghosty thing -
you love that.

Gideon, you can be in charge.

-You can lead the whole mission.
-No, thank you.

Lindy, you can do
the buh-buh thing, right?

-With the flickering lights.
-Maybe later.

Come on, guys. You're ghosts.

Be ghosts!

[Woman] Maybe being trapped
in a sauna with semi...

You know what?
I'll just do it myself, then.

Thank you so much.
Thank you for nothing.

Great work.

Katherine is being
such a cow right now.

-Oh, my God. Yes!
-Yes!

[Quirky music]

Yeah, you know,

I'm just gonna tell her
I made a terrible mistake.

No, you can't do that, because
then she'll hate you forever,

and then I will have to
break up with you

just to get some peace.

-Terrible.
-Have you seen Satan anywhere?

The poltroon has abandoned ship.

[Kate] Oh, so you wanna
help now?

Really, Katherine?

Ghost face?

Whoa.

And? Helpful ghost?

-No.
-Oh.

I mean, even if she doesn't
recognise your face,

surely she's gonna recognise
your...your gait, Kate.

She's just gonna go,
"Kate gait."

[Playful music]

Mum, quick!

I heard something
in the hallway,

something creepy and weird.

[Mel] Stay behind me.

[Tense music]

[Electricity crackles]

[Snarls quietly]

[Gasps]
It's the lady of the manor.

I heard she was murdered.

I knew you didn't
smoke this place.

[Kate] Well, I was
going to eventually.

It's probably a chancer
from Marketplace.

What? No.

Yes, it happens.

You swap a few DMs,
you give 'em the address.

[Kate] No, but look,

that doesn't look like
someone from Marketplace.

It looks like someone
from beyond the grave.

Oi, you!

Mum, Mum! Mum!
Mum! Mum, she looks evil. Don't.

-[Mel] Ghost! Get back here.
-Mum, stop! Mum!

[Mel] Oi! Where do you think
you're going?

Hang on.

Just pay for it, you cheapskate!

-Mum, wait!
-[Grunts]

-Ohh!
-[Crash!]

[Man groans]

What? Sean?

[Kate] That's not Sean!
That's not Sean.

[Sean gurgles]

A spooky little ghost.

[Laughs]

Mmm. Yeah.

So you made your man
dress up like an old woman

to haunt me out of this house.

It does sound weird
when you put it like that, yeah.

-Do you hate me that much?
-No! Mum, I love you.

You know that.
You know that I love you.

I just don't wanna be judged
all day, every day. You know?

I get enough of that already.

From Sean?

No, no. Sean's great.

So all that burnout stuff
wasn't just the job?

[Gentle music]

I felt like I was
disappointing you all the time.

Bub, you could never!

Then why do you act like it?

Because I know that
I disappoint you.

[Chuckles]

I just want you to know that
you're capable of big things.

Yeah, but chasing
those big things,

it doesn't give me much time
to just be me, you know?

[Joon] Psst. Kate.

The TV is asking if we're
still watching 'Hotbox'.

And I know you're busy being
a disappointment to your mum.

-But we are...
-..still...

-..watching...
-..'Hotbox'.

[Gideon] And you see, Astrid
just fornicated with Sven,

but he's going steady
with Karin,

and Karl's in love with Astrid -
thus we need...

What I'm saying is...

..I just need some space
to live my life

the way I wanna live it.

And that means I kind of
need you to leave.

I think she means us.

No, she's definitely
talking to her mum.

I think also it is us.

And if we give Kate
some more privacy,

then maybe she'll give us
some more 'Hotbox' time.

[Mel] No, all good, bub.

Mum will be fine.

Don't you worry about me,
my Katie-Koala-Kaka-Bum.

Ohh!

Place gave me the creeps anyway.

-Love you, Mum.
-Yeah.

Love you too, bub. Ta-ta.

[Sean] 'Bye, Mel.

[Engine starts]

[Sean] Thanks for the visit!

Drive safe.

[Kate chuckles]

Your money or your life!

[Grunts]

Bloody motorised carriages.

[Groans]

[Uplifting music]

[Satan] Oi.

[Gideon murmurs indistinctly]

Oh, good. Yes, it's you.

The mutineers have...

I've got something I wanna say.

-Oh, yes?
-[Clears throat]

It's time to introduce
some boundaries

and voice my feelings out loud.

I stand firm in my worth.

The only boss of me is me.

And remember,

if you like this video,
please, uh, rate and subscribe.

What in blasted hell
are you talking about?

I wanna watch the shows
that I wanna watch.

If you say that's OK.

Well, one never suspects

the bitter taste of betrayal
of one's own seaman.

If only I could say
it was for the first time.

Very well. The vessel is yours.

Sick.

Might as well.

[Roars]

You know, I never got to be
the boss of anything.

Only myself and the OctoMum

know the true pain of mothering.

The lack of respect,
sacrificing of me nethers.

How do I cope day after day
after day?

Guess I'll never know.

Did...did you wanna watch
'OctoMum'?

If it's not too much trouble.

It's no trouble at all.

[TV narrator]
OctoMum was given stitches

for her fifth-degree tear

while birthing another
two babies via C-section.

I guess we've got this to look
forward to one day. [Chuckles]

-[Babies cry on TV]
-Yeah. One day.

[narrator] Two of OctoMum's
newborns feed from each mammary

while she burps another...

-[Gideon grunts]
-[Rising cacophony on TV]