Original subtitles

I'd remember if you'd told me you were hosting

-a charity fundraising night in memory of Dad. -Why?

Because he's not dead!

-Awoo! -Argh!

HOLLOW THUD

I'm just so bored! Please can I pop to the petrol station?

Well, of course you bloody can't! What if you're seen?

I'll wear a disguise.

Is Geoff the one who shoves petrol pumps up his jacksy?

No, that's Pigfish.

You mustn't tell Neha.

We can't keep lying to her. We tell her the truth.

No, we definitely can't do that.

Mum, please, this is fraud, you could go to prison.

Look, I am sorry that your dad has died but just being rude to me

is not going to bring your father back.

Evening, all.

You MASSIVE twat!

HARRY SIGHS

Thank God that's over.

I'll tell you something -

you needn't worry about me ever having an affair.

I did not enjoy all this lying.

Yesterday, right, I was having a Yop.

I normally wolf them down, don't I?

Not this time.

Kept getting caught right there, stuck.

I thought it was acid reflux,

but in hindsight I think it was just anxiety.

Are you going to kiss me?

I am the police!

How can you not see the problem that your dad faked his death?!

-I can see it... -Yeah?

I can see it.

I just think it might be better if we don't look at it?

Your parents must give that money back.

-You need to tell them to come clean. -Of course. OK.

What about the jet washer?

BIRDSONG

Good morning, darling.

Oh, hello.

I've got your pills.

-Ah. -There we are.

There, drink up.

Thank you.

HE STRAINS

Deborah?

Don't worry, I'm not going to smash your legs in

and make you write a book.

You were having one of your Parky thrashes again last night.

-Oh, God, was I? -You were like a pig with its head stuck in a fence.

Thank you for your sympathy.

You are welcome.

Deborah... Debbie!

-Mm? -Are you going to leave me like this?

I think it's for the best.

Oh. It was just a nip to the petrol station.

Yeah, but you're meant to be dead, dear.

Deceased, demised, expired, an ex-William,

which means no more nipping or zipping or dipping or popping

or whipping or even schlepping.

I was careful. I wore the wolf hat.

You got into a car with a serving police officer.

-Oh, yeah. -Yeah.

You're a moron!

But you're my moron.

How can the sparrows thrive if he continues to do that?

I ain't touched her bread.

You crawled over when you thought I wasn't looking, but I was looking!

Oh, I knew you were looking, you swivel-eyed crone!

-All right, let's keep it civil. -"Crone"?!

That is abusive language!

Constable Fendon, could you...?

Sorry.

Right, what exactly is the problem here?

I'm seeing it, saying it, sorting it.

He has been stealing the bread off the floor

that I was saving for the birds.

-Is that true? -No.

So why're you hiding your bag, then?

Am I going to have to check the black helicopters?

You know those cameras see everything.

Do you want to tell me the truth?

Truth is open to interpretation.

Just empty your bag, Rupert.

-Thief. -All right, let's not gloat.

Come on, mate.

Well, is she going to arrest him?

It's a very complicated situation.

Why don't I take you to the drop-in and get you a nice hot drink?

-It's closed. -What? Since when?

Bye, then.

No, that's a disaster.

Hm. Guess the council's spending all its money on black helicopters.

Probably not ethical to confirm conspiracy theories

with people like him.

Works, though. Do it on George all the time.

He's stealing bread and I'm the bad guy!

What will it take to get some justice?

What on earth are you doing?

Well, it's for his own good.

Stop him escaping again, like Ronnie Pickering.

Who's Ronnie Pickering?

The Great Train Robber!

No, Ronnie Pickering wasn't the Great Train Robber.

Well, maybe not great in the truest sense of the word

but he was pretty bloody effective until they caught him.

Ronnie Pickering wasn't a train robber, great or otherwise.

Oh, my God. Are you saying they got the wrong man?

No! He's saying you don't know who Ronnie Pickering is

-and we don't either. -So who do I mean?

It doesn't matter, Mum. We have bigger fish to fry.

Give me a letter, what does it begin with?

-Don't give him a letter, please. -Um, R?

Not for Ronnie, for the surname.

Oh, um, B? Or maybe D?

-Is anyone listening to me? -Hello?

-Ronnie Wood? - No, no, it's not him. -Guys! - He's in that band, The Who?

-Ronnie Wood! -I don't mean who, I mean The Who.

-Jesus Christ, please just shut up! -What, so do you know who it is?

-Who is it? -No, Mum, please, no more Ronnies, please. OK?

-We need to talk. -Of course we need to talk,

-but we're in the middle of something here. -We're nearly there.

Yeah, and I don't care! My marriage is at risk here!

Neha has been very, very clear.

You have to give the money back.

Right.

So will you?

-No. -I can't! I can't! I can't!

Harold, when your father was forced to retire,

that insurance company declined to pay out

because his symptoms didn't meet the definitions of their policy.

Can you imagine being told that your Parkinson's doesn't qualify

when you can't get to sleep, you can't get out of the bath,

you can't even get an erection without some Viagra?

Right, darling, let's keep some mystery there.

Well, look, my point is that that firm can swivel.

I get the point, but Neha is saying...

Oh, Neha, Neha, Neha!

I know you're married

but do you have to do everything she tells you to do?

Which reminds me, would you mind...?

Not now, William! Debbie talking.

Now, look. Look, I appreciate that this is tricky...

-"Tricky"? -..and I hate to say I told you so...

-But? -I told you not to tell her.

You think this is my fault?

Oh, that's very big of you to admit that. Good boy.

Now, then, if you'll excuse me,

I've got something very urgent to attend to.

-No, no, no, we're not done here... -Urgent, Harold, urgent.

-Mum! -If you want to do something useful,

go and Google who Ronnie Pickering is.

-Mum, please, we can't just brush this under... -Oh, God!

You're starting to sound like one of those yappy little dogs that I hate.

Yeah, cos I'm very stressed out and I don't cope well with it.

The other day I was having a Yop and it got caught right in...

Oh, don't be such a boneless bloody bucket!

You think you're stressed, try being me!

Yeah, but your stress is stress of your own making!

Is it? Well, then, explain this.

Found that in my pocket at the bowls club last night.

-Oh, my God, this is a...? -Yeah.

Who sent it?

I don't know!

I mean, the choice of font is...

What? Is it a clue?

I don't know about that,

but, I mean, graphically it's strikingly uninspired.

Yeah, you see, I initially thought it was one of your jokes.

Mum, this is not a funny joke.

Yeah, that's why I thought it was one of yours.

Mum, come on, we're being blackmailed! What does Dad think?

Well, I haven't told him.

God, he gets into a tizz if the Aquafresh doesn't come out

in clean stripes. How do you think he'd cope with being blackmailed?

No, I need to get down to the club

and find out who planted that by accessing the CCTV.

How are you going to do that? CCTV involves computers, Mum.

Last time I checked, you can't open an email.

You don't need to be technical when you've got womanly ways.

Oh, Christ.

People don't stop having sex just cos they're in their 60s.

Yes, I know. Your generation is obsessed with telling us.

I'll have you know that your father and I enjoy a very active,

very experimental sex life, thank you.

-Oh. -Despite the Parkinson's.

In fact, sometimes because of the Parkinson's.

Sometimes when he's had his pills,

he's got the libido of a young Calum Best.

Clive will be putty in my hands.

CCTV is only viewable by management.

But they are my favourite earrings and I am basically management.

No, you do three shifts a fortnight behind the bar

and we have a robust cyber policy which I am not breaching

for some earrings.

Now, if that's everything, thanking you.

But they were an anniversary present from...

TEARFULLY: ..William.

You're... You're emotional.

It's just been so hard, you know?

It's OK, I understand your mental state

has been diminished by the death of your husband.

It's been so very, very, very, very, very hard

getting used to being single again

and the lack of... physical touch.

I-I think this would be best done with one of the other women.

No, I need a man.

Clive, would you happen to have a robust policy

that covers... loneliness?

Th-That might be covered by a club's code of conduct but in this case...

Sorry, I just need to swallow some saliva.

HE SWALLOWS

...in this case-case, it's not in ours.

Oh.

You wouldn't, um... fetch me some tissues, would you, pet?

-Yes, I suppose I could. -Yeah, thank you.

Although you're not just getting me to leave

so you can go on my computer?

Do you really think so little of me?

Why are you taking so long to answer Clive?

OK, I'll go...

Actually, come to think of it,

I've got some tissues right here in the drawer.

I always keep them near the computer in case...

Well, never mind why.

Here you are.

Ah!

Ah, no, you see, those have got balsam in them.

-And I'm allergic to that. -Really? -Yeah.

If I blow my nose on that, my face will swell up like a baboon's arse.

Honestly, Clive, I was hoping you'd make me feel better, not worse.

-All right, all right, just wait there, I'll be right back. -Thanks!

LOCK CLICKS

Right.

There.

Oh. Um...

Bowls...

Oh, God. Bollocks. Um...

What could it be? Um...

Of course!

Men! So stupid.

Oh, buggery bollocks!

Debbie? Where are you going? I've got your tissues...

Oh, keep 'em.

You shouldn't use the balsam ones for your monkey business, Clive.

You'll get a rash on your bell piece.

Right.

You all saw that. I'm being harassed.

Well, I actually didn't see it.

Oh, yes. We all know you're bloody blind, Jean.

OFFICE DOOR SLAMS

What's a bell piece?

It's the mushroomy bit on the end.

You know what? Don't worry about it.

Thanks for coming back to untie me.

Mad that's a sentence that makes sense in this family.

Here, come on, make a bit of space, get that down there...

What are you doing?

Your mother has a very transactional approach to marriage.

You know, when I'm in her bad books, she withdraws my snuggle time.

Ugh.

Why are you both so obsessed with telling me about your sex life?

I suppose we're just pleased we're still smashing.

-Oh, my God. -Yeah, so I'm trying to earn back some brownie points

by doing my list of jobs she gave me.

"Get TVs ready for digital switchover."

How old is this list, Dad?

I'll admit that's been overly on the back burner.

Oh, my God, we haven't missed it, have we?

"Return VHS of Eyes Wide Shut to Blockbuster."

Good film.

Was a bit sexy, wasn't it?

"Sort cupboard of doom".

Yeah, that's what I'm doing now.

I mean, look - look at the date on that.

Best before 1988?

You want to hang on to that. That is basically an heirloom.

I'll treasure this, when I'm alone in my bedsit.

Don't worry, you and Neha are going to be fine.

Just do what generations of brave Fendons have done before you.

Grovel, like a turkey with no shame.

GOBBLING

HE COUGHS

GOBBLING

-I get it, Dad, yeah. -Yep.

So? How did it go with telling your parents?

Oh, yeah, yeah, fine.

And good news - you are just in time for

pasta al chickeno al Fredo al broccoli-iolio...

Brocolli, um...

Yeah, so I've done all the washing, the kids are in bed.

And can I just say, you look like a movie star tonight.

Oh, you pathetic worm.

You have to give the money back.

We don't want to.

Debbie, I'm trying to help.

If you come clean now, with your... good characters...

Impeccable.

...you might get away with community service.

Yes, I might, but what about his criminal record?

It was just a caution.

Yeah, but a caution for indecent exposure

is not going to go down well, is it?

You've got a caution for indecent exposure?

It sounds worse than it is.

Right, yeah, cos it sounds quite noncey.

It was a simple misunderstanding coming back from a work do

in Birmingham. I thought before driving home...

I told him to take the train.

Yeah, I'd treat myself to a nice takeaway curry in the car.

And as you know, I do tend to rather overindulge

and unfortunately I ate so much

that I had no option but to loosen my trousers...

"No option"?

But then, I had a couple more bhajis, you know, for the road

and I thought, "Do you know what?"

"I'm going to be a lot more comfortable if I just let"

"my trousers right down and let the whole area breathe a bit."

Why does your brain work the way it does?

The pickle arose when I started to feel a bit sleepy. I don't know.

Must have been weaving a bit.

Before I know it, there's flashing blue lights in the mirror

and the police pulled me over

and it's all, "Step outside of the vehicle, sir."

"Keep your hands where I can see them."

And your trousers were...?

Yeah.

-They thought you'd been...? -Yeah.

But I wasn't. And I wouldn't.

Couldn't, frankly, after all that curry.

But, er... mud sticks.

As unfortunately does cucumber raita.

And that is why we can't go to the police.

And that is why I never eat poppadoms.

Anyway...

You know, come on, Bacon Puff, anyone? Found them in the cupboard.

Pre-9/11 but still up to snuff.

No, they can't, cos they've got to rush off, haven't you?

So thank you for coming over,

and we really appreciate your support and your concern.

Are you for real?

What, you think we can just carry on life as normal?

Um...

Yeah?

Harry?

Oh...

I don't think we're hurting anyone.

Yeah, so...

OK, then, you leave me with no other option.

-Deborah Fendon... -"Deborah"?

Don't call me that, that makes me feel like I'm getting told off.

Deborah Fendon, I'm arresting you

on suspicion of committing fraud by deception.

You do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence

if you do not mention when questioned

something which you later rely on in court.

Anything you do say may be given in evidence.

You know all that off by heart?

Are you going to come quietly?

Well, am I permitted a poo first?

Er...

Yeah, OK?

-Did you see that Harry? -Yeah.

THAT is how you do it.

FRONT DOOR SLAMS

Sorry! Too busy to be arrested!

Crikey. Haven't seen your mum move like that

since they had 50% off Uggs at Bicester Village.

Neha, wait, please!

I cannot associate with criminals!

We're not criminals, we're... we're Wallace and Gromit.

You two might be,

but your mum's the penguin with a rubber glove on her head.

-I'm going. - Hang on, no, I'm coming with you. -No, you can stay here.

Actually, in fact, you can live here until you and your parents

learn the difference between right and wrong.

I need to find Mum.

Ooh, could you let me know when you have?

Because I'm in her good books again and, before she gets back,

I thought I'd have a nice bath and maybe, you know, pop a Viagra.

What makes you think I would possibly need to know that?

DOOR OPENS AND BELL CHIMES

You can have me hat if you like.

So whoever you're hiding from don't recognise you.

Is it that obvious?

Takes one to know one.

Word of warning, if you are out in the village tonight,

make sure you've got protection.

What, like condoms?

No.

-Something to ward off the evil spirits. -Right.

Most effective armour I've found...

...is petrol.

That's why you...?

Exactly.

Mm.

Well, look, I'm glad you've found something

that works so well for you.

I think I'll probably just stick to the vitamin D myself.

You stick that up your arse, do you?

HE BELCHES

It's broken Britain, Pigfish, it really is.

KNOCKING

Oh!

Want me to spark him while you make a run for it?

He's my son. If anyone's going to spark him, it'll be me.

How did you find me?

Well, you've always sought salvation in batter.

How did it go with Clive?

Couldn't even get past the password.

Hey, you did well to turn the computer on.

You used to not even be able to do that.

SHE SIGHS

It was on already.

Now let me drop you home.

Er... Er, no, that's OK. No.

What?

Me and Neha are having a bit of a break.

Neha and I.

Well, that's not good, is it?

-No. -No.

Ah.

Oh...

Oh, come here. Come here.

Thank you.

William, we're back.

Dad?

Help!

Dad?!

-Help! -Where are you? -In here.

Oh! Oh, Jesus, you after another police caution?

No, I'm stuck.

-I've had one of my Parky freezes. -Oh!

Been here for three bloody hours.

Oh, why didn't you wait for me?

I was getting ready for the... you know, for the snuggle time.

Oh. Oh! Yes, I see.

Hello, friend.

Oh, God, please, guys, this is getting abusive now.

There we are. Just help there.

-Come on, that's it. -Oh, God.

-There we are. -Ugh...

Careful.

Thank you.

KNOCKING

Debbie?

Can I come in?

You and those boys are the most important thing in my life,

and I was a rotten pig to do anything to risk that.

If I took the rap, do you think I could keep William out of prison?

-I don't know. -Oh.

Either way, I've, um...

I've got a list here of where all the money's gone,

just in case it helps you get it back.

You've spent a lot.

I know, but it doesn't go far.

-What's that? -Oh, that's Geoff's taxi fund.

Yeah, for his hospital visits.

-And this? -Yes, that was a big splurge.

I paid for Billie to see a sleep expert.

Cos honestly when she's snoring,

it's like a walrus is being crushed to death.

So I thought I'd get her checked for sleep apnoea

because it can kill you, you know, sleep apnoea.

Halfords - £400?

Yeah, that's Harold's jet washer.

He does love it.

He told me it was 200 quid on sale.

Five grand - what's that on?

Yes, I haven't spent that one yet,

because I was waiting to see if you and Harold would help me.

It's a GoFundMe for the drop-in centre.

Because I was just chatting with Pigfish,

and apparently they've been totally shafted by the cuts.

I mean it's Broken Britain, Neha, really.

So...

...shall we go t'station, then?

On balance, I think I'd prefer a custodial sentence.

You know, I've seen what community service entails -

it's gardening, litter clearance, scrubbing graffiti off walls,

and, frankly, it looks shit.

You know, at least in prison I can spend 23 hours a day in my cell.

You know? Lot less work. Could even get ripped.

And bummed.

Is that a good or a bad thing?

It's a... It's a thing.

I must confess, there's a bit of me that is relieved.

-How come? -Some frigger has found out about William

and sent me a blackmail letter.

-Are you joking? -No.

Look. Look.

Not while I'm driving, Debbie!

No, sorry, sorry, sorry.

So after you've taken me down,

promise me that you'll find this bastard

and nail his bollocks to his backside.

Oh. You missed the turning.

What's going on?

Neha?

CAR PULLS UP OUTSIDE

-Here we go. -Mm.

Come on, then. Easy.

Ooh...

-What's going on? -Get back in the house, you!

-You're meant to be dead! -Come on!

Ow.

I may be a copper, but first and foremost, I'm a pragmatist.

Also your uncle's a drug dealer,

so you can't get too high on your horse.

That was never proved.

He was just looking after it for a mate.

-Aw. -14 tonnes.

In a warehouse.

-His warehouse. -Ignore him, he's just a blooming pedant.

The important thing is thank you for seeing this

isn't just black and white.

-Shamone! -No, not now.

So, I might not agree with what you've done,

how you've done it, why you've done it,

where you've done it, and who you've done it to,

but ultimately I can't disagree with charity.

So, as long as we keep doing the right thing,

I think I can look the other way on a few other bits and bobs.

So just to be clear, you mean the fake death,

the fraud and her evading arrest?

-Yeah. -Mm.

-Are we all on the same page? -Yeah. -Yeah, yeah.

Ooh, I don't love that term. Same page.

It's like all those other Americanisms.

So aggravating, aren't they?

You know, moving forward, do the math, I'm going fanny packing...

-And the grey squirrels. -Yeah.

-What's that got to do with it? -Well, American, invaders.

Horrible little rats,

eating our native red squirrels out of house and home.

Well, that's really not to do with what she's talking about.

It's the same. No, it's...

-You've been talking about things from America. -No. Yes...

-Guys, please. Guys, can we focus? -Yes, I'm entirely focused.

-You carry on. -Yeah.

Cheese bite, anyone, from the year we invaded Iraq?

Yes, please.

No.

Hey, I love you.

PHONE RINGS

I know.

-Now, say what you really want to. -I'll get that.

Can we keep the jet washer?

Yes.

Hello? Hello?

-DEEP DISGUISED VOICE: - Mrs Fendon. -Yeah? - I want my money.

Colberton petrol station, midnight tomorrow.

LINE DISCONNECTS

SHE HANGS UP

Who was that?

Er... Ronnie Pickering.