1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,477 I'd remember if you'd told me you were hosting 2 00:00:03,560 --> 00:00:05,197 -a charity fundraising night in memory of Dad. -Why? 3 00:00:05,280 --> 00:00:06,277 Because he's not dead! 4 00:00:06,360 --> 00:00:07,178 -Awoo! -Argh! 5 00:00:07,261 --> 00:00:08,077 HOLLOW THUD 6 00:00:08,160 --> 00:00:11,237 I'm just so bored! Please can I pop to the petrol station? 7 00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:14,077 Well, of course you bloody can't! What if you're seen? 8 00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:15,717 I'll wear a disguise. 9 00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:18,237 Is Geoff the one who shoves petrol pumps up his jacksy? 10 00:00:18,320 --> 00:00:19,757 No, that's Pigfish. 11 00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:21,317 You mustn't tell Neha. 12 00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:23,437 We can't keep lying to her. We tell her the truth. 13 00:00:23,520 --> 00:00:25,477 No, we definitely can't do that. 14 00:00:25,560 --> 00:00:28,237 Mum, please, this is fraud, you could go to prison. 15 00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:32,677 Look, I am sorry that your dad has died but just being rude to me 16 00:00:32,760 --> 00:00:34,880 is not going to bring your father back. 17 00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:37,317 Evening, all. 18 00:00:37,400 --> 00:00:39,840 You MASSIVE twat! 19 00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:44,000 HARRY SIGHS 20 00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:43,917 Thank God that's over. 21 00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:44,997 I'll tell you something - 22 00:00:45,080 --> 00:00:46,877 you needn't worry about me ever having an affair. 23 00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:48,317 I did not enjoy all this lying. 24 00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:50,037 Yesterday, right, I was having a Yop. 25 00:00:50,120 --> 00:00:51,717 I normally wolf them down, don't I? 26 00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:52,957 Not this time. 27 00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:54,477 Kept getting caught right there, stuck. 28 00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:55,677 I thought it was acid reflux, 29 00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:58,320 but in hindsight I think it was just anxiety. 30 00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:00,837 Are you going to kiss me? 31 00:01:00,920 --> 00:01:02,917 I am the police! 32 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:06,024 How can you not see the problem that your dad faked his death?! 33 00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:08,997 -I can see it... -Yeah? 34 00:01:09,080 --> 00:01:10,117 I can see it. 35 00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:12,157 I just think it might be better if we don't look at it? 36 00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:14,077 Your parents must give that money back. 37 00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:16,840 -You need to tell them to come clean. -Of course. OK. 38 00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:22,320 What about the jet washer? 39 00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:59,640 BIRDSONG 40 00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:05,280 Good morning, darling. 41 00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:07,997 Oh, hello. 42 00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:09,520 I've got your pills. 43 00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:12,317 -Ah. -There we are. 44 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:13,680 There, drink up. 45 00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:17,520 Thank you. 46 00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:22,277 HE STRAINS 47 00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:23,317 Deborah? 48 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:25,957 Don't worry, I'm not going to smash your legs in 49 00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:28,037 and make you write a book. 50 00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:31,397 You were having one of your Parky thrashes again last night. 51 00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:34,877 -Oh, God, was I? -You were like a pig with its head stuck in a fence. 52 00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:36,317 Thank you for your sympathy. 53 00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:37,957 You are welcome. 54 00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:39,200 Deborah... Debbie! 55 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:42,837 -Mm? -Are you going to leave me like this? 56 00:02:42,920 --> 00:02:44,200 I think it's for the best. 57 00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:49,717 Oh. It was just a nip to the petrol station. 58 00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:52,757 Yeah, but you're meant to be dead, dear. 59 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:57,277 Deceased, demised, expired, an ex-William, 60 00:02:57,360 --> 00:03:01,997 which means no more nipping or zipping or dipping or popping 61 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:04,197 or whipping or even schlepping. 62 00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:06,197 I was careful. I wore the wolf hat. 63 00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:09,357 You got into a car with a serving police officer. 64 00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:11,437 -Oh, yeah. -Yeah. 65 00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:13,040 You're a moron! 66 00:03:14,920 --> 00:03:16,440 But you're my moron. 67 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,477 How can the sparrows thrive if he continues to do that? 68 00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:23,677 I ain't touched her bread. 69 00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:26,597 You crawled over when you thought I wasn't looking, but I was looking! 70 00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:28,717 Oh, I knew you were looking, you swivel-eyed crone! 71 00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:30,517 -All right, let's keep it civil. -"Crone"?! 72 00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:32,117 That is abusive language! 73 00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:34,197 Constable Fendon, could you...? 74 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:35,837 Sorry. 75 00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:38,677 Right, what exactly is the problem here? 76 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,237 I'm seeing it, saying it, sorting it. 77 00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:43,717 He has been stealing the bread off the floor 78 00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:45,317 that I was saving for the birds. 79 00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:46,637 -Is that true? -No. 80 00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:48,957 So why're you hiding your bag, then? 81 00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:51,357 Am I going to have to check the black helicopters? 82 00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:53,677 You know those cameras see everything. 83 00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:55,117 Do you want to tell me the truth? 84 00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:56,677 Truth is open to interpretation. 85 00:03:56,760 --> 00:03:58,840 Just empty your bag, Rupert. 86 00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:06,797 -Thief. -All right, let's not gloat. 87 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:08,120 Come on, mate. 88 00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:10,517 Well, is she going to arrest him? 89 00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:12,197 It's a very complicated situation. 90 00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:15,397 Why don't I take you to the drop-in and get you a nice hot drink? 91 00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:19,637 -It's closed. -What? Since when? 92 00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:21,077 Bye, then. 93 00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:22,717 No, that's a disaster. 94 00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:26,997 Hm. Guess the council's spending all its money on black helicopters. 95 00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:29,917 Probably not ethical to confirm conspiracy theories 96 00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:31,477 with people like him. 97 00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:33,677 Works, though. Do it on George all the time. 98 00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:35,837 He's stealing bread and I'm the bad guy! 99 00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:38,560 What will it take to get some justice? 100 00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:42,797 What on earth are you doing? 101 00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:44,357 Well, it's for his own good. 102 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:48,197 Stop him escaping again, like Ronnie Pickering. 103 00:04:48,280 --> 00:04:49,357 Who's Ronnie Pickering? 104 00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:50,757 The Great Train Robber! 105 00:04:50,840 --> 00:04:52,557 No, Ronnie Pickering wasn't the Great Train Robber. 106 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:55,237 Well, maybe not great in the truest sense of the word 107 00:04:55,320 --> 00:04:58,317 but he was pretty bloody effective until they caught him. 108 00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:00,797 Ronnie Pickering wasn't a train robber, great or otherwise. 109 00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:02,957 Oh, my God. Are you saying they got the wrong man? 110 00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:04,917 No! He's saying you don't know who Ronnie Pickering is 111 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:06,677 -and we don't either. -So who do I mean? 112 00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:08,437 It doesn't matter, Mum. We have bigger fish to fry. 113 00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:09,877 Give me a letter, what does it begin with? 114 00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:11,437 -Don't give him a letter, please. -Um, R? 115 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:12,717 Not for Ronnie, for the surname. 116 00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:14,957 Oh, um, B? Or maybe D? 117 00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:16,437 -Is anyone listening to me? -Hello? 118 00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:19,997 -Ronnie Wood? - No, no, it's not him. -Guys! - He's in that band, The Who? 119 00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:22,557 -Ronnie Wood! -I don't mean who, I mean The Who. 120 00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:25,517 -Jesus Christ, please just shut up! -What, so do you know who it is? 121 00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:27,557 -Who is it? -No, Mum, please, no more Ronnies, please. OK? 122 00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:29,317 -We need to talk. -Of course we need to talk, 123 00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:31,437 -but we're in the middle of something here. -We're nearly there. 124 00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:34,517 Yeah, and I don't care! My marriage is at risk here! 125 00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:36,877 Neha has been very, very clear. 126 00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:38,397 You have to give the money back. 127 00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:39,717 Right. 128 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:40,997 So will you? 129 00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:44,557 -No. -I can't! I can't! I can't! 130 00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:47,277 Harold, when your father was forced to retire, 131 00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:49,717 that insurance company declined to pay out 132 00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:53,597 because his symptoms didn't meet the definitions of their policy. 133 00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:58,197 Can you imagine being told that your Parkinson's doesn't qualify 134 00:05:58,280 --> 00:06:01,037 when you can't get to sleep, you can't get out of the bath, 135 00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:03,517 you can't even get an erection without some Viagra? 136 00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:06,117 Right, darling, let's keep some mystery there. 137 00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:08,797 Well, look, my point is that that firm can swivel. 138 00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:11,077 I get the point, but Neha is saying... 139 00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:13,237 Oh, Neha, Neha, Neha! 140 00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:14,597 I know you're married 141 00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:16,957 but do you have to do everything she tells you to do? 142 00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:18,437 Which reminds me, would you mind...? 143 00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:21,077 Not now, William! Debbie talking. 144 00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:25,477 Now, look. Look, I appreciate that this is tricky... 145 00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:29,397 -"Tricky"? -..and I hate to say I told you so... 146 00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:32,957 -But? -I told you not to tell her. 147 00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:34,637 You think this is my fault? 148 00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:38,597 Oh, that's very big of you to admit that. Good boy. 149 00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:40,157 Now, then, if you'll excuse me, 150 00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:42,197 I've got something very urgent to attend to. 151 00:06:42,280 --> 00:06:45,840 -No, no, no, we're not done here... -Urgent, Harold, urgent. 152 00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:51,117 -Mum! -If you want to do something useful, 153 00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:52,837 go and Google who Ronnie Pickering is. 154 00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:55,517 -Mum, please, we can't just brush this under... -Oh, God! 155 00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:58,437 You're starting to sound like one of those yappy little dogs that I hate. 156 00:06:58,520 --> 00:07:00,717 Yeah, cos I'm very stressed out and I don't cope well with it. 157 00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:02,957 The other day I was having a Yop and it got caught right in... 158 00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:05,397 Oh, don't be such a boneless bloody bucket! 159 00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:07,557 You think you're stressed, try being me! 160 00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:09,477 Yeah, but your stress is stress of your own making! 161 00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:12,517 Is it? Well, then, explain this. 162 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:15,280 Found that in my pocket at the bowls club last night. 163 00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:21,317 -Oh, my God, this is a...? -Yeah. 164 00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:22,597 Who sent it? 165 00:07:22,680 --> 00:07:23,797 I don't know! 166 00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:25,197 I mean, the choice of font is... 167 00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:26,597 What? Is it a clue? 168 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:27,637 I don't know about that, 169 00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:30,077 but, I mean, graphically it's strikingly uninspired. 170 00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:32,437 Yeah, you see, I initially thought it was one of your jokes. 171 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:33,717 Mum, this is not a funny joke. 172 00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:35,277 Yeah, that's why I thought it was one of yours. 173 00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:38,157 Mum, come on, we're being blackmailed! What does Dad think? 174 00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:39,797 Well, I haven't told him. 175 00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:42,237 God, he gets into a tizz if the Aquafresh doesn't come out 176 00:07:42,320 --> 00:07:46,037 in clean stripes. How do you think he'd cope with being blackmailed? 177 00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:47,717 No, I need to get down to the club 178 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:51,437 and find out who planted that by accessing the CCTV. 179 00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:53,757 How are you going to do that? CCTV involves computers, Mum. 180 00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:55,517 Last time I checked, you can't open an email. 181 00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:58,877 You don't need to be technical when you've got womanly ways. 182 00:07:58,960 --> 00:07:59,917 Oh, Christ. 183 00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:03,117 People don't stop having sex just cos they're in their 60s. 184 00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:06,157 Yes, I know. Your generation is obsessed with telling us. 185 00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:09,157 I'll have you know that your father and I enjoy a very active, 186 00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:11,957 very experimental sex life, thank you. 187 00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:13,637 -Oh. -Despite the Parkinson's. 188 00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:16,077 In fact, sometimes because of the Parkinson's. 189 00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:17,637 Sometimes when he's had his pills, 190 00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:20,360 he's got the libido of a young Calum Best. 191 00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:28,960 Clive will be putty in my hands. 192 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:35,517 CCTV is only viewable by management. 193 00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:39,917 But they are my favourite earrings and I am basically management. 194 00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:42,517 No, you do three shifts a fortnight behind the bar 195 00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:45,357 and we have a robust cyber policy which I am not breaching 196 00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:46,877 for some earrings. 197 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:49,997 Now, if that's everything, thanking you. 198 00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:52,557 But they were an anniversary present from... 199 00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:54,520 TEARFULLY: ..William. 200 00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:58,677 You're... You're emotional. 201 00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:00,677 It's just been so hard, you know? 202 00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:04,037 It's OK, I understand your mental state 203 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:06,957 has been diminished by the death of your husband. 204 00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:11,797 It's been so very, very, very, very, very hard 205 00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:14,317 getting used to being single again 206 00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:17,560 and the lack of... physical touch. 207 00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:22,717 I-I think this would be best done with one of the other women. 208 00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:26,237 No, I need a man. 209 00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:31,357 Clive, would you happen to have a robust policy 210 00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:34,517 that covers... loneliness? 211 00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:38,917 Th-That might be covered by a club's code of conduct but in this case... 212 00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:41,357 Sorry, I just need to swallow some saliva. 213 00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:42,520 HE SWALLOWS 214 00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:47,877 ...in this case-case, it's not in ours. 215 00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:49,360 Oh. 216 00:09:50,560 --> 00:09:54,477 You wouldn't, um... fetch me some tissues, would you, pet? 217 00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:56,658 -Yes, I suppose I could. -Yeah, thank you. 218 00:09:57,600 --> 00:09:59,197 Although you're not just getting me to leave 219 00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:01,597 so you can go on my computer? 220 00:10:01,680 --> 00:10:04,880 Do you really think so little of me? 221 00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:09,197 Why are you taking so long to answer Clive? 222 00:10:09,280 --> 00:10:10,797 OK, I'll go... 223 00:10:10,880 --> 00:10:12,157 Actually, come to think of it, 224 00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:14,797 I've got some tissues right here in the drawer. 225 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:17,440 I always keep them near the computer in case... 226 00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:20,880 Well, never mind why. 227 00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:25,197 Here you are. 228 00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:26,557 Ah! 229 00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:30,637 Ah, no, you see, those have got balsam in them. 230 00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:33,157 -And I'm allergic to that. -Really? -Yeah. 231 00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:36,997 If I blow my nose on that, my face will swell up like a baboon's arse. 232 00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:41,757 Honestly, Clive, I was hoping you'd make me feel better, not worse. 233 00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:45,360 -All right, all right, just wait there, I'll be right back. -Thanks! 234 00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:50,440 LOCK CLICKS 235 00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:52,840 Right. 236 00:10:56,640 --> 00:10:57,720 There. 237 00:10:59,680 --> 00:11:01,800 Oh. Um... 238 00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:06,400 Bowls... 239 00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:11,080 Oh, God. Bollocks. Um... 240 00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:14,000 What could it be? Um... 241 00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:20,637 Of course! 242 00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:23,560 Men! So stupid. 243 00:11:25,040 --> 00:11:27,320 Oh, buggery bollocks! 244 00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:31,957 Debbie? Where are you going? I've got your tissues... 245 00:11:32,040 --> 00:11:33,157 Oh, keep 'em. 246 00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:36,717 You shouldn't use the balsam ones for your monkey business, Clive. 247 00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:38,920 You'll get a rash on your bell piece. 248 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:41,837 Right. 249 00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:44,157 You all saw that. I'm being harassed. 250 00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:45,357 Well, I actually didn't see it. 251 00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:48,560 Oh, yes. We all know you're bloody blind, Jean. 252 00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:51,637 OFFICE DOOR SLAMS 253 00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:53,000 What's a bell piece? 254 00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:55,800 It's the mushroomy bit on the end. 255 00:11:57,840 --> 00:12:00,400 You know what? Don't worry about it. 256 00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:06,757 Thanks for coming back to untie me. 257 00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:08,837 Mad that's a sentence that makes sense in this family. 258 00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:11,837 Here, come on, make a bit of space, get that down there... 259 00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:12,917 What are you doing? 260 00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:16,317 Your mother has a very transactional approach to marriage. 261 00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:19,957 You know, when I'm in her bad books, she withdraws my snuggle time. 262 00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:21,197 Ugh. 263 00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:23,637 Why are you both so obsessed with telling me about your sex life? 264 00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:26,437 I suppose we're just pleased we're still smashing. 265 00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:29,637 -Oh, my God. -Yeah, so I'm trying to earn back some brownie points 266 00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:33,160 by doing my list of jobs she gave me. 267 00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:40,037 "Get TVs ready for digital switchover." 268 00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:41,317 How old is this list, Dad? 269 00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:43,637 I'll admit that's been overly on the back burner. 270 00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:45,637 Oh, my God, we haven't missed it, have we? 271 00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:47,917 "Return VHS of Eyes Wide Shut to Blockbuster." 272 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,717 Good film. 273 00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:51,360 Was a bit sexy, wasn't it? 274 00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:53,957 "Sort cupboard of doom". 275 00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:55,757 Yeah, that's what I'm doing now. 276 00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:57,960 I mean, look - look at the date on that. 277 00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:01,597 Best before 1988? 278 00:13:01,680 --> 00:13:04,277 You want to hang on to that. That is basically an heirloom. 279 00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:06,880 I'll treasure this, when I'm alone in my bedsit. 280 00:13:08,560 --> 00:13:11,517 Don't worry, you and Neha are going to be fine. 281 00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:15,720 Just do what generations of brave Fendons have done before you. 282 00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:20,320 Grovel, like a turkey with no shame. 283 00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:26,877 GOBBLING 284 00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:27,997 HE COUGHS 285 00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:30,037 GOBBLING 286 00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:32,240 -I get it, Dad, yeah. -Yep. 287 00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:40,477 So? How did it go with telling your parents? 288 00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:42,197 Oh, yeah, yeah, fine. 289 00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:44,997 And good news - you are just in time for 290 00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:49,277 pasta al chickeno al Fredo al broccoli-iolio... 291 00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:51,317 Brocolli, um... 292 00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:54,400 Yeah, so I've done all the washing, the kids are in bed. 293 00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:58,880 And can I just say, you look like a movie star tonight. 294 00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:02,720 Oh, you pathetic worm. 295 00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:06,757 You have to give the money back. 296 00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:08,117 We don't want to. 297 00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:09,797 Debbie, I'm trying to help. 298 00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:13,677 If you come clean now, with your... good characters... 299 00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:14,757 Impeccable. 300 00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:16,397 ...you might get away with community service. 301 00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:19,277 Yes, I might, but what about his criminal record? 302 00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:20,997 It was just a caution. 303 00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:23,677 Yeah, but a caution for indecent exposure 304 00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:25,357 is not going to go down well, is it? 305 00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:27,117 You've got a caution for indecent exposure? 306 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:28,677 It sounds worse than it is. 307 00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:30,517 Right, yeah, cos it sounds quite noncey. 308 00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:32,997 It was a simple misunderstanding coming back from a work do 309 00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:36,197 in Birmingham. I thought before driving home... 310 00:14:36,280 --> 00:14:38,117 I told him to take the train. 311 00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:41,677 Yeah, I'd treat myself to a nice takeaway curry in the car. 312 00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:45,117 And as you know, I do tend to rather overindulge 313 00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:47,117 and unfortunately I ate so much 314 00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:50,797 that I had no option but to loosen my trousers... 315 00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:51,877 "No option"? 316 00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:56,157 But then, I had a couple more bhajis, you know, for the road 317 00:14:56,240 --> 00:14:57,957 and I thought, "Do you know what?" 318 00:14:58,040 --> 00:15:00,477 "I'm going to be a lot more comfortable if I just let" 319 00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:04,317 "my trousers right down and let the whole area breathe a bit." 320 00:15:04,400 --> 00:15:06,357 Why does your brain work the way it does? 321 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:10,397 The pickle arose when I started to feel a bit sleepy. I don't know. 322 00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:12,397 Must have been weaving a bit. 323 00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:15,437 Before I know it, there's flashing blue lights in the mirror 324 00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:16,917 and the police pulled me over 325 00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:19,357 and it's all, "Step outside of the vehicle, sir." 326 00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:21,197 "Keep your hands where I can see them." 327 00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:22,677 And your trousers were...? 328 00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:24,117 Yeah. 329 00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:26,637 -They thought you'd been...? -Yeah. 330 00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:29,317 But I wasn't. And I wouldn't. 331 00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:31,717 Couldn't, frankly, after all that curry. 332 00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:34,517 But, er... mud sticks. 333 00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:37,517 As unfortunately does cucumber raita. 334 00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:40,357 And that is why we can't go to the police. 335 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:43,597 And that is why I never eat poppadoms. 336 00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:44,917 Anyway... 337 00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:48,397 You know, come on, Bacon Puff, anyone? Found them in the cupboard. 338 00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:51,037 Pre-9/11 but still up to snuff. 339 00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:53,877 No, they can't, cos they've got to rush off, haven't you? 340 00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:55,397 So thank you for coming over, 341 00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:58,077 and we really appreciate your support and your concern. 342 00:15:58,160 --> 00:15:59,197 Are you for real? 343 00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:02,117 What, you think we can just carry on life as normal? 344 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:03,480 Um... 345 00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:07,120 Yeah? 346 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:09,560 Harry? 347 00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:13,480 Oh... 348 00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:21,197 I don't think we're hurting anyone. 349 00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:23,277 Yeah, so... 350 00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:26,397 OK, then, you leave me with no other option. 351 00:16:26,480 --> 00:16:27,917 -Deborah Fendon... -"Deborah"? 352 00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:30,957 Don't call me that, that makes me feel like I'm getting told off. 353 00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:32,157 Deborah Fendon, I'm arresting you 354 00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:34,157 on suspicion of committing fraud by deception. 355 00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:36,317 You do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence 356 00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:37,957 if you do not mention when questioned 357 00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:40,117 something which you later rely on in court. 358 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,480 Anything you do say may be given in evidence. 359 00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:46,757 You know all that off by heart? 360 00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:48,317 Are you going to come quietly? 361 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:51,080 Well, am I permitted a poo first? 362 00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:55,717 Er... 363 00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:57,000 Yeah, OK? 364 00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:02,877 -Did you see that Harry? -Yeah. 365 00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:04,520 THAT is how you do it. 366 00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:07,600 FRONT DOOR SLAMS 367 00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:16,280 Sorry! Too busy to be arrested! 368 00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:22,877 Crikey. Haven't seen your mum move like that 369 00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:26,320 since they had 50% off Uggs at Bicester Village. 370 00:17:29,120 --> 00:17:30,477 Neha, wait, please! 371 00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:32,357 I cannot associate with criminals! 372 00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:36,437 We're not criminals, we're... we're Wallace and Gromit. 373 00:17:36,520 --> 00:17:37,717 You two might be, 374 00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:40,437 but your mum's the penguin with a rubber glove on her head. 375 00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:43,277 -I'm going. - Hang on, no, I'm coming with you. -No, you can stay here. 376 00:17:43,360 --> 00:17:45,837 Actually, in fact, you can live here until you and your parents 377 00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:48,200 learn the difference between right and wrong. 378 00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:57,040 I need to find Mum. 379 00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:00,357 Ooh, could you let me know when you have? 380 00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:02,877 Because I'm in her good books again and, before she gets back, 381 00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:06,082 I thought I'd have a nice bath and maybe, you know, pop a Viagra. 382 00:18:07,360 --> 00:18:10,480 What makes you think I would possibly need to know that? 383 00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:25,200 DOOR OPENS AND BELL CHIMES 384 00:18:29,320 --> 00:18:31,557 You can have me hat if you like. 385 00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:34,157 So whoever you're hiding from don't recognise you. 386 00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:36,277 Is it that obvious? 387 00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:37,880 Takes one to know one. 388 00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:41,757 Word of warning, if you are out in the village tonight, 389 00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:43,797 make sure you've got protection. 390 00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:45,717 What, like condoms? 391 00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:47,357 No. 392 00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:50,637 -Something to ward off the evil spirits. -Right. 393 00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:53,237 Most effective armour I've found... 394 00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:54,360 ...is petrol. 395 00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:57,517 That's why you...? 396 00:18:57,600 --> 00:18:58,677 Exactly. 397 00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:00,077 Mm. 398 00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:01,997 Well, look, I'm glad you've found something 399 00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:03,757 that works so well for you. 400 00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:06,880 I think I'll probably just stick to the vitamin D myself. 401 00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:11,080 You stick that up your arse, do you? 402 00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:16,240 HE BELCHES 403 00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:28,120 It's broken Britain, Pigfish, it really is. 404 00:19:29,360 --> 00:19:30,258 KNOCKING 405 00:19:30,341 --> 00:19:31,237 Oh! 406 00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:33,437 Want me to spark him while you make a run for it? 407 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:36,640 He's my son. If anyone's going to spark him, it'll be me. 408 00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:41,437 How did you find me? 409 00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:43,517 Well, you've always sought salvation in batter. 410 00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:45,077 How did it go with Clive? 411 00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:47,157 Couldn't even get past the password. 412 00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:49,277 Hey, you did well to turn the computer on. 413 00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:51,262 You used to not even be able to do that. 414 00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:57,120 SHE SIGHS 415 00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:57,120 It was on already. 416 00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:01,197 Now let me drop you home. 417 00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:03,920 Er... Er, no, that's OK. No. 418 00:20:05,160 --> 00:20:06,200 What? 419 00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:09,717 Me and Neha are having a bit of a break. 420 00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:11,480 Neha and I. 421 00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:20,197 Well, that's not good, is it? 422 00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:22,117 -No. -No. 423 00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:24,157 Ah. 424 00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:25,957 Oh... 425 00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:27,320 Oh, come here. Come here. 426 00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:29,680 Thank you. 427 00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:39,400 William, we're back. 428 00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:44,077 Dad? 429 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:45,520 Help! 430 00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:52,037 Dad?! 431 00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:54,880 -Help! -Where are you? -In here. 432 00:20:56,640 --> 00:20:59,837 Oh! Oh, Jesus, you after another police caution? 433 00:20:59,920 --> 00:21:02,037 No, I'm stuck. 434 00:21:02,120 --> 00:21:04,600 -I've had one of my Parky freezes. -Oh! 435 00:21:06,040 --> 00:21:08,877 Been here for three bloody hours. 436 00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:11,157 Oh, why didn't you wait for me? 437 00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:15,037 I was getting ready for the... you know, for the snuggle time. 438 00:21:15,120 --> 00:21:17,397 Oh. Oh! Yes, I see. 439 00:21:17,480 --> 00:21:18,637 Hello, friend. 440 00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:21,997 Oh, God, please, guys, this is getting abusive now. 441 00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:23,997 There we are. Just help there. 442 00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:26,037 -Come on, that's it. -Oh, God. 443 00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:28,000 -There we are. -Ugh... 444 00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:34,760 Careful. 445 00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:37,160 Thank you. 446 00:21:57,800 --> 00:21:59,120 KNOCKING 447 00:22:03,440 --> 00:22:04,957 Debbie? 448 00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:06,200 Can I come in? 449 00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:18,797 You and those boys are the most important thing in my life, 450 00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:23,240 and I was a rotten pig to do anything to risk that. 451 00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:29,160 If I took the rap, do you think I could keep William out of prison? 452 00:22:31,040 --> 00:22:32,480 -I don't know. -Oh. 453 00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:35,637 Either way, I've, um... 454 00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:39,717 I've got a list here of where all the money's gone, 455 00:22:39,800 --> 00:22:42,717 just in case it helps you get it back. 456 00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:44,357 You've spent a lot. 457 00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:46,597 I know, but it doesn't go far. 458 00:22:46,680 --> 00:22:49,877 -What's that? -Oh, that's Geoff's taxi fund. 459 00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:52,677 Yeah, for his hospital visits. 460 00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:55,597 -And this? -Yes, that was a big splurge. 461 00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:58,637 I paid for Billie to see a sleep expert. 462 00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:00,237 Cos honestly when she's snoring, 463 00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:03,437 it's like a walrus is being crushed to death. 464 00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:05,117 So I thought I'd get her checked for sleep apnoea 465 00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:07,117 because it can kill you, you know, sleep apnoea. 466 00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:09,397 Halfords - £400? 467 00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:12,557 Yeah, that's Harold's jet washer. 468 00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:14,037 He does love it. 469 00:23:14,120 --> 00:23:16,520 He told me it was 200 quid on sale. 470 00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:21,637 Five grand - what's that on? 471 00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:23,277 Yes, I haven't spent that one yet, 472 00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:26,477 because I was waiting to see if you and Harold would help me. 473 00:23:26,560 --> 00:23:29,317 It's a GoFundMe for the drop-in centre. 474 00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:31,677 Because I was just chatting with Pigfish, 475 00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:34,997 and apparently they've been totally shafted by the cuts. 476 00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:37,320 I mean it's Broken Britain, Neha, really. 477 00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:42,397 So... 478 00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:44,640 ...shall we go t'station, then? 479 00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:50,637 On balance, I think I'd prefer a custodial sentence. 480 00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:53,397 You know, I've seen what community service entails - 481 00:23:53,480 --> 00:23:57,997 it's gardening, litter clearance, scrubbing graffiti off walls, 482 00:23:58,080 --> 00:23:59,757 and, frankly, it looks shit. 483 00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:02,677 You know, at least in prison I can spend 23 hours a day in my cell. 484 00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:06,357 You know? Lot less work. Could even get ripped. 485 00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:08,240 And bummed. 486 00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:11,880 Is that a good or a bad thing? 487 00:24:13,360 --> 00:24:14,760 It's a... It's a thing. 488 00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:19,517 I must confess, there's a bit of me that is relieved. 489 00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:23,117 -How come? -Some frigger has found out about William 490 00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:25,477 and sent me a blackmail letter. 491 00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:27,557 -Are you joking? -No. 492 00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:29,277 Look. Look. 493 00:24:29,360 --> 00:24:30,637 Not while I'm driving, Debbie! 494 00:24:30,720 --> 00:24:32,240 No, sorry, sorry, sorry. 495 00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:35,317 So after you've taken me down, 496 00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:37,637 promise me that you'll find this bastard 497 00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:39,960 and nail his bollocks to his backside. 498 00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:50,480 Oh. You missed the turning. 499 00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:53,280 What's going on? 500 00:24:56,120 --> 00:24:57,280 Neha? 501 00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:04,800 CAR PULLS UP OUTSIDE 502 00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:07,080 -Here we go. -Mm. 503 00:25:08,600 --> 00:25:11,317 Come on, then. Easy. 504 00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:12,440 Ooh... 505 00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:19,117 -What's going on? -Get back in the house, you! 506 00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:21,200 -You're meant to be dead! -Come on! 507 00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:24,920 Ow. 508 00:25:27,880 --> 00:25:31,877 I may be a copper, but first and foremost, I'm a pragmatist. 509 00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:33,597 Also your uncle's a drug dealer, 510 00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:35,557 so you can't get too high on your horse. 511 00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:37,197 That was never proved. 512 00:25:37,280 --> 00:25:38,797 He was just looking after it for a mate. 513 00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:40,077 -Aw. -14 tonnes. 514 00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:41,277 In a warehouse. 515 00:25:41,360 --> 00:25:45,357 -His warehouse. -Ignore him, he's just a blooming pedant. 516 00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:47,997 The important thing is thank you for seeing this 517 00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:49,437 isn't just black and white. 518 00:25:49,520 --> 00:25:51,640 -Shamone! -No, not now. 519 00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:55,517 So, I might not agree with what you've done, 520 00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:57,597 how you've done it, why you've done it, 521 00:25:57,680 --> 00:26:00,237 where you've done it, and who you've done it to, 522 00:26:00,320 --> 00:26:02,597 but ultimately I can't disagree with charity. 523 00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:04,797 So, as long as we keep doing the right thing, 524 00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:08,197 I think I can look the other way on a few other bits and bobs. 525 00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:10,917 So just to be clear, you mean the fake death, 526 00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:13,997 the fraud and her evading arrest? 527 00:26:14,080 --> 00:26:15,120 -Yeah. -Mm. 528 00:26:16,320 --> 00:26:19,357 -Are we all on the same page? -Yeah. -Yeah, yeah. 529 00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:22,917 Ooh, I don't love that term. Same page. 530 00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:24,797 It's like all those other Americanisms. 531 00:26:24,880 --> 00:26:26,677 So aggravating, aren't they? 532 00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:31,077 You know, moving forward, do the math, I'm going fanny packing... 533 00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:32,837 -And the grey squirrels. -Yeah. 534 00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:35,717 -What's that got to do with it? -Well, American, invaders. 535 00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:37,037 Horrible little rats, 536 00:26:37,120 --> 00:26:40,037 eating our native red squirrels out of house and home. 537 00:26:40,120 --> 00:26:42,277 Well, that's really not to do with what she's talking about. 538 00:26:42,360 --> 00:26:43,517 It's the same. No, it's... 539 00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:45,557 -You've been talking about things from America. -No. Yes... 540 00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:48,957 -Guys, please. Guys, can we focus? -Yes, I'm entirely focused. 541 00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:50,117 -You carry on. -Yeah. 542 00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:53,157 Cheese bite, anyone, from the year we invaded Iraq? 543 00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:54,477 Yes, please. 544 00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:55,677 No. 545 00:26:55,760 --> 00:26:58,037 Hey, I love you. 546 00:26:58,120 --> 00:26:58,918 PHONE RINGS 547 00:26:59,001 --> 00:26:59,797 I know. 548 00:26:59,880 --> 00:27:02,368 -Now, say what you really want to. -I'll get that. 549 00:27:03,360 --> 00:27:05,357 Can we keep the jet washer? 550 00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:06,760 Yes. 551 00:27:09,120 --> 00:27:12,237 Hello? Hello? 552 00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:15,357 -DEEP DISGUISED VOICE: - Mrs Fendon. -Yeah? - I want my money. 553 00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:18,237 Colberton petrol station, midnight tomorrow. 554 00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:19,960 LINE DISCONNECTS 555 00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:23,917 SHE HANGS UP 556 00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:25,280 Who was that? 557 00:27:26,520 --> 00:27:28,200 Er... Ronnie Pickering.