Original subtitles

WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

1 My dead father's baby mama

just dropped off my kid brother and left.

You just kind of hang around and... and smoke and... and talk loud.

Yeah, all that. We call it fellowship.

I've been thinking about you a lot.

I... I've been thinking about you a lot too.

Sourmilk?

Mr. Sourmilk?

- Sourmilk. - Yeah.

Hi, I'm Colton. How can I help you?

You just called my name, except it's Sam Loudermilk.

Oh, I'm sorry,

this appointment is for Mr. Sourmilk.

- No, no, no, I put... - Sourmilk?

That's me. It just autocorrects to "Sourmilk."

Well, I'm sorry, but the screen says Mr. Sourmilk.

I'm happy to make you another appointment, though.

What did you say your name was?

Sam Loudermilk.

Mm-kay.

Oh, if you could just take a seat

just for a second. Thank you.

- Sam Loudermilk? - God damn it.

I'm Colton. How can I help you?

Yeah, we... we've met.

I... Look, I need to get a new phone.

A baby peed on it, and it doesn't work.

What's your ID and password?

I have no idea.

You mean the password I use to get into the phone?

No, no, that's your passcode.

Your ID will have the same alphanumeric password

you use to log in to the sky cloud.

Oh, the sky cloud account. Why didn't you say that?

No, I don't know what that is.

I'm just looking to get a new phone.

- Do we need that? - Yes, we do.

But not to worry.

You can actually reset your user ID and password

right from your mobile device.

But my phone won't turn on. That's why I'm here.

Can I just give you my license?

Uh... No.

Why don't we start with your phone number?

- Do you know that? - Yes, I know that.

All right, I found you.

Okay, so what kind of device were you looking to get today?

The new Z? The ZR?

The Z9?

We do have a couple of the new ZR9s,

but we're sold out of Graphite Dream.

Just give me whatever one is cheapest.

That really depends on what you're looking

to get out of your mobile device.

Do you use a lot of social media and networking apps?

Do you like to create and upload digital content?

No, nothing like that.

Okay, so...

How do you use it?

As a phone. Just get me a...

Can I just stop you for one second?

These are much more than phones, okay?

Check this out. So you're texting your friend.

"Hey, wanna meet for brunch?"

- I would never do that. - I hear you.

Pretty boring, right?

Except check out what that would look like on the new ZR9.

Are we brunching or what, fam?

Okay, look, Colton?

Just get me a basic phone, okay?

No apps, no features...

Preferably no touch screen.

Do... do you have any where the numbers are still buttons?

- Like a flip phone? - Yeah.

Uh, I'm sorry, I think we're all out,

but you're welcome to check back 15 years ago.

The only phones

with actual buttons nowadays

are those burner phones you see at seedy convenience stores.

- They're the ones drug dealers use. - Let's pretend for a second

that I'm looking for a phone here in this store.

Just give me your shittiest phone!

I don't need apps!

I don't need brunch with a talking horse!

I just want a phone to make phone calls with.

The phone you're describing

wouldn't be able to receive internet,

emergency broadcast warnings, AMBER alerts.

It's just reckless.

I'm sorry, I'm late for my appointment.

Name? Rick Sourmilk.

Fuck off.

- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.MY-SUBS.com -

Even after winning that trial for Loudermilk,

my phone hasn't been ringing.

It's not the work I miss, it's the excitement.

I'm an adrenaline junkie.

I've just been sitting home all day with nothing to do,

and you know what they say about idle hands.

They jerk off a lot?

Uh, yeah, and they also stuff food in my mouth.

I've gained two... okay, ten pounds

since Louise dumped me.

Well, you can't just give up.

You gotta get out there and find somebody new.

Oh, yeah? How's that going for you, Loudermilk?

We're not talking about me, Claire.

I'm not the one going through a break-up.

Oh, right, because a break-up follows a relationship

and you'd have to actually date in order to have one of those.

I don't have time to date.

All I do is mop floors

so I can support these two bald assholes.

Oh. Oh, I'm the problem.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm just over here living the dream

cooking and cleaning and changing diapers

while you're off working with the boys.

What boys?

You... your work buddies. You know.

The closest thing I have to a work buddy is the homeless guy

who takes his daily constitutional

in front of the bank entrance every night.

Well, at least you get to go out.

I can't even think of the last time I left the house.

You know, when was the last time we had a nice dinner, just you and me?

You mean a date?

It's easy to be glib.

Look, you know what?

You're so bored, I got a crazy idea.

Why don't you get a job?

Okay, this...

This isn't a job?

You know what? How dare you.

You know, at least it's inspired you to make music, Ben.

What are you talking about?

Wait, you haven't seen Ben's videos on Instagram?

No.They're really good.

♪ The lion and the penguin are best friends ♪

♪ Side by side in the forest like bookends ♪

♪ The penguin helps the lion comb his hair ♪

♪ And the lion protects the penguin ♪

- ♪ From the polar bear ♪ - It's not a big deal.

It's just, I... I make up some silly songs

and I sing them to Clyde when he cries

and it seems to soothe him.

So I uploaded a few to help other mothers with their fussy babies.

It's nothing, it's nothing.

Aww. That's really sweet, Ben.

Okay, so the lion,

which is an apex predator,

is sitting next to a penguin, a bird that he would eat,

in the forest, where neither of them live.

No, no, I'm pretty sure lions live in the forest.

Lions live in the savannah.

Okay, what about The Wizard of Oz?

No, that's just to make it rhyme.

Lions live in the savannah

but they called it the king of the jungle.

You can't sing about that 'cause nothing rhymes with "jungle."

- "Bungle." - Yeah, exactly.

Jethro Tull tried that.

It didn't work out very well.

Hey, what are you talking about?

- I love that song. - No.

You see, this is why I didn't tell you, Sam.

There's always...

Oh, no. Look... Look what you did.

You know, I don't like who you become around your friends.

I'll be waiting outside.

♪ The penguin helps the lion comb his hair ♪

♪ And the lion protects the penguin ♪

♪ From the polar bear ♪

Oh, the polar bear is in the forest.

- You're fucking delusional. - All right.

Look, the polar ice caps are melting,

forcing the polar bear down south.

Climate change is happening, but, yeah, sure,

I'm the delusional one.

Sorry, everyone. It's hormones.

♪ Loudermilk's a jerk, Loudermilk's a jerk ♪

♪ Gotta pack your tools before you go to work ♪

- ♪ And when you get to work ♪ - Hey.

- It's Ben, isn't it? - Yeah.

Uh, baby yoga.

- Thursday afternoons, right? - That's it, I knew it.

- I'm Sarah... - Hi.

- And this is Marcus. - Oh.

Hello.

I'm sorry, what's your son's name again?

- Clyde. - Hi.

But, uh, he's actually not my son. He's a rescue.

Loudermilk's right, New Guy.

You gotta move on.

When I lost my job and Men's Wearhouse,

all the extra time to myself, it was tough.

I almost slipped up.

But luckily, I got a new job.

Finally, uh, back in the rhythm.

I didn't know you got a new job.

Yeah, work for Toto.

Oh, they got back together?

Nah, not the band, man. The washlet company.

- I'm a salesman. - Oh, I've heard of those.

The toilets that shoot water up your butt, right?

- Mm-hmm. - Get the hell out of here.

Ooh, that's gotta be a hard sell.

Are you kidding? That's the easiest sell in the world.

Let me give you my pitch.

Let's say that somehow you accidently

got a little chip of shit on your arm.

Would you just wipe it off with toilet paper

and go about the rest of your day?

Well, that depends on whose shit it was.

Let's say that shit was your shit.

Oh, in that case, I'd be boiling my arm in a crab pot.

Exactly, right?

You'd scrub that motherfucker clean.

Yeah.

So why do we think that wiping is the best way to clean our butts?

- I don't know. - I don't know how anyone gets shit on their arm,

but that's a good point.

Every bathroom in Japan has a Toto toilet,

even in prison.

Meanwhile, America is still shitting in the Stone Age.

Holy cow, I don't believe this.

What the fuck happened to this country?

Where did we lose our way?

Yeah, I think that pretty much sums up this meeting.

Let's call it a day and I'll see you next time.

Anyone interested in toilets, see me outside.

Uh, while I hate to interrupt this riveting conversation,

I wanted to ask why none of you have signed up

to volunteer for the fundraiser.

"Fundraiser"?

You get more lawsuits than usual this month?

Mm. You may not be aware,

but this parish does more than just host your group.

We run a soup kitchen,

we connect people with medical services,

we provide a space for people such as yourselves

who have nowhere else to go.

Now, this costs money,

so this weekend we are holding a community fair,

and we need volunteers to come for just a few hours.

Hand out tickets and run the games.

That sort of thing.

And Loudermilk, I was hoping you could help me

hook up the speakers for the band.

Who's playing?

Sister Margaret and the other nuns are going to sing.

Wait, that's your plan to save the church?

Get the community to come out and pay money

to watch a bunch of nuns onstage?

Yeah, who's planning this thing?

The Fyre Festival people?

I'm doing the best that I can.

There aren't a lot of family-friendly performers who work for free.

Oh, I got it! Let me handle the entertainment, Father.

I'll give those people the show of their lives.

Uh... okay.

Eh, well, thank you.

Don't forget the sign-up sheet's in the hallway.

Thank you, and Loudermilk,

can I talk to you for a minute before you leave, son?

Hey, Mugs, want me to talk to you about the toilet, man.

All right. Those things tickle your ass.

I gotta see this.

We need to talk about Clyde.

You can't keep bringing him here.

Why not?

It's not good for him to be around drug addicts,

drunks, and thieves.

Well, he can't stay home by himself.

Have you heard from the mother?

No.

As I said before,

I know several excellent families

who are actively looking.

Look, even if I wanted to put him up for adoption,

I don't have his papers.

Don't I need his pink slip or a receipt or something?

Samuel, it's a child, not a car.

No.

No, okay?

It's not happening, so stop asking me about it.

We're not there yet.

I... I gotta go. I'll see you at the fair.

So which one's your partner?

Oh, uh, the guy who looks like Coach Taylor from Friday Night Lights.

- Right there. - Oh.

Good for you. He's really cute.

Yeah, he's a cutie pie.

Oh, no, no, no. We're not... we're not together.

We were both married to women. "Woman," I should say.

We were both married to the same woman,

but then he divorced her, then I divorced her,

and now we're just roommates

raising his dead father's illegitimate son.

- Oh. - Hey, Benny-boy!

Ow.

- I got you the gig! - What gig?

The big community fundraiser this Saturday.

Father Mike needs us to save the church

and your music's gonna do it.

No, no, it isn't.

No, I can't perform in front of people.

Father Mike wanted you to open

for the nuns but I said, "That's bullshit."

You're headlining or we walk.

This guy's amazing.

Hey, come... come down this Saturday.

Bring your grandson.

- It's my son. - Oh, adopted?

- No. - In vitro?

No.

Oh, uh, he's a cutie.

Hey. Loudermilk.

Sam, come here.

This is Sarah. She's, uh... she's new in town.

From Boston.

"Loudermilk." That's an interesting name.

- Where's that from? - Uh, just my dad.

Beautiful!

Well, look at you two hitting it off.

You know, since you're brand new in town,

perhaps Loudermilk could show you around?

Oh, no, that's not necessary. I don't want to impose.

Oh, that's no imposition at all, and I totally would

if I didn't have archery class every night this week.

Uh, not tomorrow night, because tomorrow is Friday

and there's no archery on Fridays

because that is when they re-stuff the targets, remember?

Yeah.

Can't believe I forgot all about target re-stuffing.

So, dinner it is.

She didn't want to either.

You just forced us into it

like a mom setting up a play date.

Well, it was the least I could do

since apparently I'm preventing you from dating.

Why would I want to go on a date with a complete stranger?

It'll be a total fucking disaster.

Speak of the devil.

I'm just borrowing a coffee mug.

You don't know that it would be a disaster.

Sarah's a wonderful woman.

How do you know she's wonderful?

You talked to her for two minutes.

Well, she has a child.

Hitler had a shitload of kids.

- No, I don't think he did. - He didn't?

Mm-mm.

Oh, that's right. I'm thinking of the Duggars.

So you're saying that anyone with a kid is wonderful

and people without them are assholes?

Well, look at us.

Look, Ben, you gotta stop doing this.

All right? Go live your own life.

I can't. That's the point.

Look, you know I love Clyde,

but this Two and a Half Men BS has gone on long enough.

I can't be the mother that he deserves.

I got my own crap to deal with.

And if you're serious about keeping him,

then you need to start building a family.

Oh, that's your plan? I go on one date and then I marry her?

Well, it's a start.

Sure, and when we divorce, you can marry her, too,

'cause marrying my ex-wives is your favorite thing to do.

Aww, for... for fuck's sake!

That was one time!

It's gonna be about a 30-to-40-minute wait.

Okay.

30 to 40-minute wait.

You know they got a table back there.

When I was a music critic, I could just drop a band name.

- We'd be in like that. - No way.

You're a critic?

I'm a critic too.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

- Online food critic. - Oh.

Whoa, okay. For... for who?

Yelp.

Yeah, I've done over 2,000 Yelp reviews.

I'm kind of well-known. I'm Yelp Elite.

What's that?

Um, it's a status given to a small percentage of Yelp reviewers.

It's based on a number of things

like well-written reviews and good restaurant tips

and... and the ability to have a little fun with it,

like I'm sure you do with your reviews.

Not really.

Um, so, wait, do you get paid to be a Yelp reviewer?

Well, no, but we did sue for unpaid compensation.

"Unpaid comp"... I thought Yelp doesn't pay?

You're thinking of crime.

Besides, I'm Yelp Elite.

- Uh, so Yelp Elite pays? - No, that's why we sued.

Okay, I'm confused.

You sued to get money for reviews

no one asked you to write on the free site

where no one ever gets paid?

Do you have any idea how much advertising revenue Yelp makes

from Yelp Elite reviewers like me?

Yeah, but that's not the point.

Their whole thing is that if you want,

you can write a review, and if not, it's your call.

Excuse me?

Did I hear you say that you're Yelp Elite?

Yes.

Oh, we certainly appreciate you dining with us tonight.

Please, follow me this way.

- Your table is ready. - Thank you.

Oh.

You're all set for the fundraiser.

Hey, how are you doing?

Uh, I'm sorry, "all set"

in that you told Father Mike I'm not doing it, right?

No, better. I got you a band.

I don't need a band.

- I told you that I don't... - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're not worried about somebody stealing the spotlight, are you?

You think Salt worried about Pepa?

Okay, that's not the...

The issue is that I... I've never been good

at performing in front of people.

Well, that's why I got you a band,

so you won't be alone.

Look, I said I'd take care of you, and I am.

Now, stop worrying about the show

and stay focused on writing some new songs.

You're not hearing me.

Uh, wait, why do I need to write new songs?

You don't think my songs are good?

Well, they're baby good,

but you're not just singing for Clyde anymore.

Look, you don't want to embarrass yourself

and your management up there, do you?

Do you?

- Do you? - No.

- Excuse me? - Uh-huh?

Hi, um, I just have a question

about the wild Atlantic salmon special.

Mm-hmm?

You mean "farm-raised salmon," right?

Uh, no, it's wild salmon.

Oh, okay.

Well, just so that you know and so that the chef knows,

there is no wild Atlantic salmon at this time of year.

With all due respect, ma'am, actually, there is.

It was delivered fresh today.

Oh, yeah, no, I have no doubt

that what you have was delivered today.

It's just not wild Atlantic salmon

because that doesn't exist this time of year.

Maybe it was frozen.

No, there's no wild salmon in the North Atlantic, period.

I'm just being kind to give her an out.

And I appreciate that,

but the chef says it is wild Atlantic salmon,

so somehow they got it.

Perhaps from Spain.

Well, that would be wild Atlantic "thalmon," no?

Uh, I wanna have the rib eye.

- Mm-hmm. - Medium rare with creamed spinach.

Great, I am positive

that the spinach is running this time of year.

And for you, ma'am?

Um, I think I'm gonna have...

The farmed salmon special.

Mm-hmm.

Did you just write "wild salmon"?

No.

It looked like you wrote a "W."

I'm gonna put your order in.

Well, she was a little snitty.

Just trying to help.

Well, turns out people with kids can be assholes too.

Didn't go so well, huh?

Yeah, I figured when you didn't return any of my voicemails.

Oh, no, I... I still don't know

how to check messages on this stupid drug phone.

Ah, see, I told you. You should have gone with the ZR9.

Checking messages is a cinch with their visual voicemail.

Okay, well, to answer your question, tonight was terrible.

It was awful.

I'd rather put the kid up for adoption

than sit through another date like that.

Okay, well, don't let one bad date get you down.

You know, it's like they say.

Plenty of other fish in the sea.

Not according to her.

Hey, Mike, those speakers take ten minutes to hook up.

What am I doing here this early?

I understand you're finally considering adoption for Clyde.

- Who told you that? - I promised I wouldn't say.

It was Ben.

I'm gonna kill him.

Fine. But first, come into my office.

I want to introduce you to a local couple

who are hoping to grow their family.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Look, it's just an introduction.

No.

Sam, I know you have Clyde's best interests at heart.

What harm can there possibly be in weighing all the options?

Hmm?

Allow me to introduce Baby Clyde.

- Uh-uh. - Yeah, wait a second.

Uh, we didn't realize he was the father.

Oh, I'm not the father. I'm the brother.

Ooh, this could be a real deal-breaker, Father.

You are definitely not getting your full finder's fee.

Uh...

I made it very clear that I'm not benefiting personally financially.

Any fees would go directly to the church.

Well, through me.

Trev, I think we should go with the original plan

and look into children in Malawi.

Mm, I suppose they are more in need.

Eh, let's not be hasty.

Trust me, this child is in grave need.

Little Clyde is being raised by a single janitor

with a long history of addiction

and antisocial behavior.

Without a nurturing support system,

this baby is destined to follow suit.

Okay, first of all, I'm standing right here,

and second of all, he's doing pretty good with me.

"He"? Wow, wow.

So we're assigning pronouns now?

- Hmm. - What?

What makes you think you know their preferred pronouns?

I just thought the penis was a pretty good clue.

Uh, we believe in raising children

gender-neutral until they're five

and can decide which gender, if any, they identify with.

Okay, Mike, thank you for trying to help.

We can consider this option weighed,

and you know what?

Clyde stays with me.

I'm keeping him.

You don't know it's a "him"!

Hell of a day to be late. This is the big dance.

I'm sorry, I was up all night writing songs.

- Where's the band? - Right here.

What?

Come on, do you guys have any musical experience at all?

Hell, yeah. I used to play with Pure Prairie League.

Really?

Okay, you caught me in a lie.

New Guy, why didn't you call Roger?

He's an actual drummer.

He passed.

Okay, you know what? I can't... I can't do this.

I can't do this. I have no songs.

It's raining. There's no band.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Look at me.

You gotta trust me.

I'll take care of everything.

Remember where you were when I first discovered you?

Raising a baby and putting videos online like some webcam whore.

Now look at you.

What? What... What is it?

You... You don't like the band?

Okay, watch this. You guys are fired.

Aww, come on. I've been practicing for three whole days. Look.

Out!

Get the fuck out!

S... see you tomorrow night.

You see?

It's me and you, baby.

Always has been...

Always will be.

I'll see you later.

Yeah!

Yes! Take that, clown!

Stevie, I've been looking for you.

Guys!

Hey, I need a break over here!

All right, Claire!

Hey, you are a god, man.

- What? - The Toto.

My asshole's not in Kansas anymore.

Best purchase of my life.

Well, I'm glad it worked out for you.

Yeah, man, I cranked that puppy up to ten.

Shit, Jesus Christ.

Mugs, have you read the instructions?

I've had the Toto for a while. I haven't taken it past three.

That thing will shred your asshole, all right?

Unless you've been to prison.

Okay, well, I'm a little sore,

but I am clean as a whistle.

Whistles are rather dirty.

You know, full of spit and bacteria.

I'm talking about a train whistle, Cloud.

Oh.

Anyway, check these, uh, babies out, huh?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

I haven't had the rectal confidence

to wear white pants since the '80s.

Please.

For the love of God, Loudermilk, can you take my place?

Fuck you, you little shit!

Ha-ha!

If you haven't noticed, I have a baby here. Where's Ben?

Backstage, I think.

Look, Loudermilk, can you please take my spot?

- I'm dying here. - Let me think about it.

♪ This little light of mine ♪

♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪

♪ Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine ♪

Hey, why the fuck did you tell Father Mike

I was putting Clyde up for adoption?

I can't do it, Sam.

You see these nuns?

- They're crushing it. - What are you talking about?

They're nuns. You'll be fine.

I got nothing.

I stayed up all night trying to write songs

and all I ended up with was crap.

What about the song Claire played us at the meeting?

Oh, great, yeah. The one you hated.

I didn't hate it, I just pointed out

that it didn't make any goddamn sense.

You had a lion and a penguin...

A lot of songs don't make sense, okay?

Pinball Wizard.

It's about a blind kid who plays pinball using only his sense of smell.

It's like if Helen Keller's a pool shark.

Makes no sense.

Follow that, Slob Dylan.

Rock and roll!

Are we ready to sing?

I said,

"Are we ready to sing?"

Yeah!

♪ There's many kinds of animals ♪

♪ And all of them are friends ♪

♪ Like wolves and hamsters and manta rays ♪

♪ And even barnyard hens ♪

♪ But of all these animal buddies ♪

♪ Two are close as kin ♪

♪ The strong and noble lion ♪

♪ And the trustworthy penguin ♪

♪ The lion and the penguin are best friends ♪

♪ Side by side in the forest like bookends ♪

♪ The penguin helps the lion comb his hair ♪

♪ And the lion protects the penguin ♪

♪ From the polar bear

So when Father Mike told me the church might be closing,

I said, "Something has to be done."

I don't know if you're aware, but we also run a soup kitchen...

That's nice, but you left like 20 messages

telling me that there's an emergency.

Oh, so losing the soup kitchen for crackheads

isn't an emergency to you?

They may not have teeth, but they still have to eat.

Hey, fuck-stick!

I want my money for the slip-and-fall!

Wait right there.

I just have to confer with a client.

Charlie, I told you, we lost that case.

You lost.

I did exactly what you told me to do.

Oh, no, you didn't. They have that video of you at the salad bar

spilling ranch dressing on the ground.

Is it against the law to be clumsy? I want my money.

Charlie, can we please take this up another time?

What?

Are you running a racket on the brunette too?

Make sure you get paid up front, lady!

♪ The lion plays poker with kangaroo ♪

♪ And the penguin was married to a goat named Sue ♪

♪ But in the divorce she got the igloo ♪

♪ At first the penguin was resentful ♪

♪ But then he pulled through ♪

♪ It's not that the goat's a bad person ♪

♪ She's just different than you ♪

♪ Or maybe she's not and it's just a timing issue ♪

♪ And that's a song about animal friends ♪

Hey, what do you think?

Yeah, it was all right.

Well, that was fun, the other night.

Especially when you said my profession was basically a waste of time.

I don't think I said "basically."

Hey, again, it was a real blast.

In fact, I reviewed it.

"Paid little to no attention to my needs,

was argumentative and slow to return calls,

flirted openly with the waitress.

I will not be dating here again."

Hmm.

Still gave me three stars.

Well, I like that you're into archery.

The hell's going on? It's an AMBER alert.

What?

I didn't get an AMBER alert.

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