Original subtitles

There's no good reality television anymore.

Everything is scripted. I want something real.

You could watch a documentary. Am I a lesbian?

That one with the penguins was legit, with Morgan Freeman.

Man, that guy can narrate.

I don't care how silky or inspiring his voice is.

I don't wanna see a documentary about penguins.

What if the penguins got hammered,

formed alliances and had night-vision sex in a hot tub?

I'm listening. I'd watch that.

Penguins wouldn't survive in a hot tub.

I got the promotion.

I know.

Know what else you could do with penguins?

Put them in a loft, give them 48 hours to redecorate.

Or we could talk about your thing.

Promotion! Ha, ha.

I'm so excited. I get a raise, I get a bigger office,

and the best part is, I get an assistant.

You'll love having an assistant.

They do the boring stuff, like get your dry cleaning,

or buying anniversary presents for your...

Your mailman. Oh.

I am just so psyched because I have had such terrible bosses,

and now I get to be, like, the cool boss, you know?

Less Devil Wears Prada, more angel wears business cas.

You should be cool, okay?

In high school, my boss was such a jerk

I messed up orders to get back at him.

You worked at a pharmacy.

Don't make me come in on Memorial Day.

Damn. Don't make this little white girl do nothing.

Don't make me do nothing. Y'all heard?

I'm telling you, penguins in a loft is not gonna work.

I feel I've seen that before.

Replace the penguins with Hasidic Jews,

change the loft to a houseboat, you got a show.

Jews Cruise. I like it.

Know who would be the host? Brooke Burns.

Mike Ditka. Mike Ditka.

Winningest Bears head coach, winningest hair.

You can pay him in steak. All right, ladies, two beers,

double shot of tequila. I didn't order that.

I know. I just can't keep serving an adult man sangria.

But I like the fruit.

You and me are gonna have to work on that.

And FYI, the all-time winningest Bears coach

is George Halas, not Mike Ditka.

Heh.

Whoa. Ho-ho. That girl's super into you.

Too bad she's not your type. I don't have a type.

You like girly girls.

Tough girls aren't your thing. I like tough girls.

Real tough. Men. I can't handle a tough chick?

Nope Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

I'm tough. I'm super tough.

Hi. Hey.

I was the guy you brought the...

Yeah. I don't know if this is weird...

Because I'm a patron and you work here...

Pull up your skirt and ask me out.

Actually, it's, um, slim-fit jean.

Uh, yeah, let's hang out.

Yeah. Yeah.

Hello.

I just heard about this mid-week spa deal,

two for one mani-pedis. You wanna go?

Ah, I can't, I have Pilates.

Oh, you meant Jane.

I can't, either. Got a meeting

for my adult literacy organization.

I need to start doing more good, you know?

Hey, maybe I could help.

Yeah, I don't think you'd like it.

It is a ton of work with the planning

and the sitting around waiting for them

to sound out the simplest words.

Ugh, it's... You're not missing anything, trust me.

I guess I'll see you guys later, then.

Thanks for breakfast.

Welcome. Okay.

I know, I know. That was a crappy thing to do.

It's just that this literacy group is my thing,

and Alex always has a way of kind of coming in

and stealing all the attention.

In the year AD 89,

Titus Flavius Domitian ordered the construction

of the Hypogeum catacombs.

Look at me, Daddy. I'm Emperor Cloppy Shoes.

Look at you! Cloppy, cloppy,

- cloppy, cloppy, cloppy. - You're adorable, honey.

I've been working on this for so long.

The graduation is kind of my time to shine.

I mean, also the readers' time to shine, but me too,

because I've been working on my emcee jokes and...

This whole thing is just super important to me.

I'm sorry.

I can't stop thinking about your sister's little feet

in your dad's shoes.

Must have been hilarious.

Hey, Ree-Ree. Hey, Pee-Pee.

We'll need a brainstorming session on my nickname.

Here's your dry cleaning and new cell phone.

I transferred your personal contacts.

You can use the old one for work.

This looks complicated.

I just took a picture of my cleavage.

And, yup, emailed it to my stepdad.

Ree-Ree, one tiny skootch.

It says here on the bill you got $50 cash back?

Oh, my God, I totally forgot to mention that.

I used $10 for lunch. I was getting your phone,

I didn't have time to go to the bank.

Sorry. Let me get change.

Ree-Ree, I'm the cool boss. I am like Tina Fey, okay?

I am down with you borrowing a little extra cashish

in an emergency.

Oh. Okay, thanks.

You just pocket that change

because I probably would have blown it on rent or groceries.

We got pizza, we got SportsCenter,

and not to go out on a limb here,

but that was some dec lovemaking,

if I do say so myself.

Am I right? Yeah, totally.

It was really, really fine.

So, uh, what's up with all the lacrosse stuft?

I'm a Division III women's lacrosse coach.

Then why do you waitress?

I'm a Division III women's lacrosse coach.

Right.

Cool.

When you said the lovemaking was fine,

did you mean just fine, or did you mean like '90s fine?

Like "Girl, you so fine."

Um, you know, it was good. I just was hoping next time

we could be a little more adventurous.

I mean, haven't you ever had any fantasies?

Um...

Well, I have always fantasized

about doing it under a waterfall.

Or maybe in the woods, or maybe in a room

surrounded by thousands of candles,

white, shrouded curtains blowing in from the wind outside.

So you wanna have sex like you're in a Color Me Badd video.

Kind of.

Maybe we can play Color Me Badd in the background

while we make our own video.

Like a Color Me Badd tribute video.

Oh, you mean a sex tape. Yeah.

That makes so much more sense.

Yeah.

Penny keeps pocket-dialing me from her new phone.

It's okay.

Oh, that's terrifying. Yet it's all I wanna listen to.

So graduation Sunday is gearing up

to be quite the fun day. Ha, ha, ha.

Can't wait for our new readers to show off their skills.

Food. Lauren, I have you down for three quiches.

Barbara, two quiches, and Keisha, two hams.

I know, it's hilarious. But, uh, all jokes aside,

we're counting on those hams. Ladies, let's all thank Jane

for her tireless planning and hard work.

- To Jane. - To Jane.

Oh, well, I do my best.

Hi, ladies. Oh, who's this?

Ahem. That's Alex, my sister. What you doing here, Al?

I was in the middle of my mani-pedi

and I realized, "What am I doing with my time?"

So I went online, and did you guys know

two-thirds of illiterates are women

and 98 percent come from developing countries

and the word "pope" is from "pappas," which means "father."

I got caught up in a Wikipedia hole,

and once it has you, you can't get out. It's crazy.

So what are we doing, y'all? "Y'all"?

We were just planning

our graduation event for our new readers.

How fun. I had a thought on that too.

What if we served sugar cookies in the shape of letters?

What do you think?

No, I don't...

That's a genius idea.

Yes.

Yes, genius. Thank you.

It's happening again, Brad. Alex swoops in

and everyone falls all over themselves because she says:

"Oh, hey, I'll make cookies in the shapes of letters."

That's genius. Genius? Really?

Come on, you're making too big a deal of this.

Everybody knows your hard work means more than her cookies.

Save me a "B." They're the best.

They all taste the same. The "B" is for my name.

Okay.

I thought we were going to lunch.

Why aren't you dressed?

Penny didn't turn her phone off. What do you mean?

I've been listening to her insane life.

I've heard her flirt her way out of a parking ticket,

flirt her way into a date with an allergist

and have an awkward standoff with a quart of Cherry Garcia.

It's the best new reality show, Project Penny.

Dude, that is so wrong. I know.

It's also insanely addictive.

And the supporting cast is unbelievable.

The new fiery Latin assistant, Rita,

loyal employee or crazy grifter?

You be the judge. She's with her now.

You wanna take off for Ramadan?

There can't be Muslim Mexicans? There can.

It's just you also left early yesterday

for the christening of your nephew, Jesus Morales.

Okay, I'm in. Yeah.

High fives. No. All right.

Can I get you a towel for the free-throw line?

Yeah, Drippy Longstocking. Excuse me?

I can do better. I gotta get in shape quick.

The waitress wants to make a sex tape.

That is an awesome... Bad idea. I know!

You're not good on camera. Remember journalism class?

And in sports, the Cubs played the, uh, San...

Touchdown... Could I get...? Could I get a sandwich?

I've been on camera plenty of times since then.

Uh, Bull's game, '05, KissCam. Nailed it.

If you're gonna do this tape, couple things:

One, make sure she shoots you from the right side.

From the left, you look like a troll.

Huh? Get a tan. You're pretty white.

You're like Tilda Swinton.

Three, I was serious about that troll thing,

and not like a cute doll with the hair troll.

Like "I distract you and steal your baby" troll.

Yeah. Ew. Look at it from, like, there.

There, it's fine. Oh, that's fine.

And then there, Ooh, jeez.

"Tizzly... Tizzly tip..."

"Tizzle-Top-Tufted Mazurka." Top, Mazurka.

My bad. I shouldn't have picked a book with made-up words.

Yeah. Sorry.

Hi. I'm Alex, Jane's sister.

Hi, I'm Paul. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. Okay, so I gotta run.

So I will see you at graduation?

Yes. See you then. Ah.

That is not how you spell "see" or "you." Okay, bye, Paul.

Okay. Can I borrow your mixer?

Well, you know, you might wanna hold off on the cookies, Al.

After you left, the women were talking

and they weren't really into the idea.

I thought they loved it. Yeah, but I guess they thought

they could be confusing to the students too.

Is the cookie a lowercase "L"? Is it a capital "I"?

Something like that could really set them back.

We can put thingies on the I's to clarify.

I don't think this is a serif issue, Al.

I tried to talk to them, but they were...

They were really firm on this one.

Wow.

Maybe I just won't come at all, then.

Ooh, that's a bummer, but I totally get it.

You gotta do you.

I can't believe we made a sex tape.

I know. You wanna watch it?

Already? Yeah, pop it in.

Okay.

Oh, look, it's me.

I love how you're coming at me, all confident. Super cute.

- Thank you. - But this is where

it all starts to fall apart.

Your first kiss is a little sloppy.

You're all over the face, because your balance is off.

It's a core strength issue. See?

Let's jump ahead to the last two minutes, shall we?

You have got a ton of raw ability,

but your fundamentals are off.

It affects your footwork, your rhythm.

What's happening?

By the time you get into the red zone,

you're exhausted and barely paying attention

to what the other team is doing.

Boom, you miss a major scoring opportunity.

Hmm.

Ree-Ree, that liquor company we did that event for

sent over vodka. Want one?

Way ahead of you. I already grabbed a couple.

Wanna try some? I'm all set.

It's good stuff.

It's noon.

Ooh. This is bad, man.

The cool boss thing's not working for her.

Ree-Ree's taking advantage. We've gotta text Penny.

We can't. She'll know we've been spying.

If we step in, we're no better than other reality shows.

We gotta respect the documentarian's code.

So this code you can't break, but the "don't apply

for a boat license in my name" code is fair game?

How am I to rent a boat using your credit card?

Alex, hi, good to see you. Good to see me, Barbara?

If that's even your real name? Excuse me?

I can't believe you. I come here excited to help people

and then you pretend to like my ideas,

and as soon as I leave, you call them dumb.

Alex, no one said that. We were all sad

when Jane told us you'd be out of town for graduation at Epcot.

Time to frost the letter cookies.

Okay, I have A, E, l...

Oh, you.

Why would you lie to me,

and why would you say I went to Epcot?

That is so weirdly specific. I panicked.

Okay, look, Al, I am not proud of my behavior.

I know that it's petty.

It's just I work really hard for a long time on something,

it's my thing. Then you swoop in at the last second

and steal all the attention and everyone goes, "Ooh."

No idea what you're talking about, but I'm out of here.

- Oh. - Ooh.

She broke your sex tape down like game film?

Yeah, and wasn't complimentary, either.

She's a coach. It's constructive criticism.

Fact: Last year, Rockford University's

women's lacrosse team, 3 and 27.

This year, 29 and 1.

Only difference, new coach, Kim Groff.

She's a winner, dude. What, I can't Google your lady?

It sort of sucks, because she's kind of awesome.

She has one little foible. Foible?

Maybe it'll be a positive.

We can all stand to learn a bit more

about the bathing suit area. By "we all,"

I mean you guys, because I'm gifted.

Get back on the horse.

The greats don't quit after one bad day.

Did Babe Ruth quit after his sex tape was criticized?

No, he went right out and made another sex tape.

Hmm.

That guest list was supposed to be sent

over two hours ago.

I am so sorry. Could you please hold?

Rita, where have you been? I'm slammed.

I had a family emergency. At the mall?

I'll call you back. We gotta talk.

You're taking advantage of me because I'm the cool boss.

Oh, I get it. This is because I'm Mexican.

No, this is just...

In a work environment, we both have roles.

Face it, Pee-Pee, you're a racist.

What? I can't believe... Wow.

Rita's going to the white-guilt angle.

Took me years to do that with you guys.

By the way, can I have your TV? You know, slavery and whatnot.

I am so not a racist.

The first guy who felt me up was a Guatemalan.

Next you'll be telling me you're not a racist

because you have a black friend.

But I do. I do.

We gotta do something.

I love Project Penny, but this has gone too far.

Ree-Ree's making Pee-Pee cra-cra.

It's time for her to go downtown.

No. Uh-uh. You say the words regular.

I didn't think I'd be seeing you again.

Why, because I was intimidated? Because I wasn't.

Let's get physical.

Pop that tape in again, would you?

Ooh. Okay.

Wow. I did not realize my calves were so defined,

and that is not me.

Oops, wrong Dave.

But while I have it up,

you could learn something from this guy.

See, he's got an unorthodox wide stance,

but that's where his power comes from.

Oh, you know who you should check out? Mm.

Jason, fall 2008. We were in a pile of leaves,

so it's kind of hard to see it, but...

And I'm out.

Rita?

Too brown. Rita.

Rita? Hmm?

Ha, ha, ha. Rita. Rita, Rita, Rita.

We know you've been taking advantage of Penny Hartz.

Who are you? Company security.

I'm Senior Agent Maxfeld, this is Junior Agent Bradson.

We're equal. It's political. His dad owns the company, so...

I think I've earned it on my own merits.

Plus, it's been harder because of my father.

Debatable. We have evidence of criminal misconduct.

We got cameras, everywhere.

That stapler on your desk,

not a camera. Boom, keeping you guessing.

Where are the cameras? Everywhere.

I'll do anything you want.

I'll give back all the money I stole from the company.

Uh... Yeah, yeah. Uh, mon... Give back the money.

Definitely do that. But before you do that,

we need you to do something else too.

I was wrong. You're not a racist.

You have Nelson Mandela's heart and Michelle Obama's arms.

Oh. Heh.

But I'll have to quit. What? Why?

I don't deserve you.

Neither does that allergist you're dating.

You're right. You're the coolest boss ever.

- Thank you. - Goodbye, Pee-Pee.

Bye, Ree-Ree.

Okay, I gotta ask you something.

Yes, sometimes you like to make yourself

the center of attention.

What? How did you know that?

Alex, I've known you for a long time.

I know how you think. Really?

Of course not. I talked to Jane. If I knew how you thought,

I'd understand why you bought me this apron.

Says, "King of the Grill-A." I read the apron.

Do I really do that? Do I steal attention?

After our wedding, no one was talking about the flowers.

Okay, look, I'm sure deep down Jane knows

you don't intentionally try to steal focus.

Doesn't mean it hurts her any less.

Yeah.

The word "grill" is in "gorilla."

That's the point. Shh.

"Mr. Mittens realized the black cat chasing him"...

Seriously, another "Q"?

How many Quentins are they expecting?

..."And his new best friend."

That was great, Ellen. Thank you.

Is that a library book? No.

Speaking of library books,

what is the deal with library fines, huh?

I'd rather have Ralph Fiennes, right?

Next up we have Paul Petley

reading if I Ran the Zoo by Dr. Seuss.

What if it were written by Dr. Dre instead?

Wouldn't be Hooked on Phonics, it'd be Hooked on Chronic.

Come on.

All right, Paul Petley, everyone. Okay.

Actually, I'm not gonna be reading if I Ran the Zoo now.

Instead, I'm gonna be reading a very special letter.

"Dear Jane, you are an amazing person.

"I want to be you. I used to go into your closet

when you weren't around and put on your clothes."

Alrighty. "You're my sister

"and I never meant to steal your spotlight.

"You set such a high standard.

"I've spent my whole life trying to keep up.

"You are an extra"... "Extra"... "Extraor"...

"Extraordinary person

and the best sister ever. I love you."

I am so sorry. I feel like an idiot.

It's just, I don't know, sometimes I wanna be the one

that comes in and makes everyone laugh.

I never should have excluded you.

It's okay.

Honestly, I'm not interested in any of this anyway.

Okay, we can talk about that later.

Thanks.

- Ah, yeah. - Thank you.

Thank you.

Whoa, hey. What's your name?

Kevin. Hm.

Then why are you, uh, taking the last "B" cookie, Kevin?

I'm Brad, and that's my cookie. Give me that.

Mm.

You should try one of these.

Not today, though.

Mm.

What?

Come on, we'll split it.