Original subtitles

No way is this based on a true story.

It's a future true story.

A zombie apocalypse is going to happen.

Why do you think I live the way I do?

Lack of ambition, no self-respect.

Credit score in the ones. No, guys, zombies.

Studies show only one would survive.

The question is, which one? Depends on survival strategy.

Are we talking strength to fight

or ability to blend in and live amongst them?

Amongst? We doing amongst now? Mm-hm.

Can we focus up here? This is life and death.

If we're gonna do ability to blend in, I say Dave.

- He's basically a zombie. - What?

I've seen your daily routine. Wake up at 7:00, shower,

eat the same fiber-based cereal geared towards menopausal women.

Her Choice Crunch is for everyone.

Eh... And, like a zombie,

you don't have hopes or dreams.

I have dreams. Really?

I am still working on opening my own restaurant.

You were mentioning that six years ago.

I made these steak sandwiches for us tonight,

despite the fact that Max's oven only goes up to 150.

I can tell who would die first in a zombie attack.

It's obviously Max. Heh.

I did that double-spit take to illustrate how insane you sound.

Sorry, Brad, but Jane would die first.

Me? Oh, yeah.

You are out of shape, no marketable talents,

and no survival skills. Counterpoint: There are things

that you love. That slows people down.

My cold, black heart and living without attachments,

that's my greatest asset.

Don't do this. She is seriously competitive.

With that 59th hot dog,

Kobayashi is now the best eater in the world.

I need 60 hot dogs and an egg timer.

Let the zombie Olympics begin, crazy hot-dog lady.

Bring it on. On your mark, get set, go.

Make it work, baby.

Get him, baby. I'm a zombie?

You could shake things up a bit.

I know selling meat isn't a dream job,

but I make good money. It's restaurant adjacent,

and I just got comfortable taking deuces there.

The bright side, zombies are super in right now.

No, I'd rather be a vampire. Ha, ha.

We'd all rather be vampires, bro.

Crushed it! Now Max's face is being eaten by zombies.

This is not over between us. Bring it.

Okay, I own you, all right? I am in your head,

and I got a three-bedroom condo with a marble island

and a pizza oven and a wine fridge.

We got it. That's my dream kitchen.

You guys just go, okay?

I'm about to hit my runner's high.

We're going out tonight. We're gonna do it big.

My laundry day outfit is not meant for public eyes.

It's all right. Everyone here's a weirdo.

What? Not you. Heh.

Oh, you know what? I gotta get some quarters.

Nice outfit. Hi. You, too.

Come here often? When my clothes are dirty.

We have that in common.

I'm Toby. Penny.

These dryers take forever.

You wanna go next door, get coffee?

- Oh, um... - Yes.

Sure.

Yeah. Heh. Okay.

Make sure you fax the branch.

Did you see the third quarter, Brian?

The top sirloin's $10 a pound,

it's flash-frozen to retain all the nutrients.

Thank you for calling TransCorps, have a great day.

I spend so much time trying to look good,

and then I wear my grungiest outfit

and a cute guy is into me.

I should hang out in laundromats more.

I'll have to put up with abandoned underpants,

but once in a while, cute guy.

Too good for free underpants.

I cannot wait for you guys to meet Toby.

Oh, my God, we are into the same things:

Home Shopping Network, baby animals on the internet.

He thinks it's cool I needlepoint.

You're dating my grandma.

Just got a text from Jane.

She's building an addition on the condo in my brain.

Not okay. Not during a recession.

Toby's here. Why's he dressed like that?

Oh, my God, you know what he is, right?

He's a hipster. Oh, no.

The skinny jeans, the scarf.

A hipster. Those things you like, he likes ironically.

You don't know that. I do.

I can smell him. He smells like a flea market.

Watch your mouth. Oh, hey. Ready to go?

I just heard about this awesome underground mix tape swap.

Max is right.

That bike lock, is that also your belt?

Oh, I know, right? Yeah.

- Uh, what's with the get-up? - Oh.

It's, uh... It's Penny's laundry day.

Heh.

You must love doing laundry.

I really attract stains, you know?

All over. Ha, ha.

Let's head out. All right.

See you. Nice to meet you. The pleasure is ours.

Take it easy.

You guys were right, I'm a zombie.

In my job, with Alex.

She did literally run away at the wedding.

Should've ate her brains when you had the chance.

That's it. I'm done. I'm making serious changes.

Okay, yeah. Yeah. I'm 29.

I'm not going into my 30s in the same place I am now.

Uh-uh, no, you didn't.

Which is why I'm quitting my job

and I'm opening my own restaurant.

Really, what?

Come again? Who'll pay the rent?

Dave quit his job? Don't worry, not yet.

But he's going to. That's not like Dave.

Someone tell him that's a horrible idea.

He has tons of debt and the economy sucks.

How can you tell a man not to follow his dream?

I know another man that had a dream.

Fievel, in An American Tail. You gonna tell Fievel

he can't go west? You just switched movies.

It's about a dream. And we are not dream-crushers,

like some blonde ladies. What are you doing?

I'm thumb-pointing. I can see it.

Great news, I found my inspiration basket.

What's more upsetting, you have one or call it that?

It's got my restaurant ideas and menus I've collected.

To-do list. "Get haircut."

Maybe I will, 2007 Dave. Maybe I will.

Anything you guys wanna say? Nope.

Good luck with that haircut. Thanks.

I'll talk sense into him, and he'll get it, all right?

Dave and I have been friends forever.

We're on the same bravelength.

Bravelength. A "Brad" and "Dave" wavelength.

Oh. Yeah.

Don't act like you didn't have to explain that,

because that made no sense at all.

Two words to describe my date with Toby, re-dick.

He took me to this secret Foursquare party

and there was a band made up entirely of Speak & Spells.

And that was fun?

I think so.

Are you sure? You're doing that thing

where you take on characteristics

of the guy you're dating. I don't do that.

Hi! Hey.

Love makes us do crazy things.

Does it? Max, I really like him, okay?

Just tell me what to do so I don't embarrass myself.

Okay. You've gotta do everything I say.

Follow every direction without asking a question.

Hipster rule number one, never try.

- Never put effort into anything. - Got it.

- Like a flight attendant. - That's right.

Put jeans under that skirt and sweats over those jeans.

Hipster rule number two, only like things ironically:

Books, movies, TV shows, the environment.

Look at that. You're playing ping pong against Jude Law.

Ah!

You're brewing coffee for Glenn Close.

Guys, I sell clothes here, nice clothes.

Alex, adults are speaking here.

Hipster rule number three: never show too much enthusiasm.

I can do that. Can you?

Don't dance. She can dance. Look how much fun that is.

Don't feel it. Look how much fun that is.

Look at much fun we're having.

Too much fun. Too much fun. Don't dance.

Good. Final rule: Everything is dumb.

Someone says something you don't understand,

you just go, "I'm over it." FroYo, over it.

Other stuff, over it. Great. Just missing one thing.

Oh, perfect.

Go, my little weirdo.

Uh, careful, though. Watch your way.

Be careful. Those are prescript.

I'll pay for that.

Next zombie challenge, bring it or bling it.

Not a real phrase.

Zombies sense motion, so what we're gonna do is...

the person who sits still longest wins. That will be me,

because you are a type A nutjob who can't sit still.

Please. It is on like Donkeytron.

You're trying to sound confident,

but you sound like a divorcee talking to their stepson.

The game will begin in three,

two, one.

You wanna clean up that beer so bad.

Uh-uh. Clean up the beer.

Mm, look at it spilling all over the ground,

making a huge mess.

You gotta clean up the beer.

It is not just messy, it is unsafe.

The zombies have taken you down,

and I am using your body as a sleeping bag, tauntaun style.

By the way, I have no idea whose boxers those are.

Okay. Oh, I do.

They're Gary, the Polish neighbor's.

He came over and cooked pierogies.

Ew.

You ran into that guy really hard.

I pretty convincingly turned it into a hug.

Meet my friends lone and Atticus.

Hey. She has a blog about zines

and he won the mustache contest three years in a row.

Pfft, like I care.

See that guy? He's right-handed,

but he refuses to play with his dominant hand.

Oh. It's too commercial.

He's huge on the abandoned gas station circuit.

What do you think?

Oh... over it.

Totally. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm super over it.

Why are we even here? I don't know.

First of all, welcome. I'd like to introduce you

to Chicago's revolutionary new dining experience.

So many cuisines from around the world,

how do you choose just one?

You're married, right, sir?

Yeah, to Jane. You know that.

Let's say you're going to dinner.

You want Mexican, she wants Japanese. What do you do?

We get Japanese. Exactly.

There's no way to decide. That's why I give you...

Pangaea Grill.

Nine hundred dishes from 125 ethnic cuisines,

all on one menu, baby.

Oh, all right. Ha, ha, ha. Seems like a lot.

Did you spend $17,000 at the copy store?

And I know this is gonna take capital.

That's why tomorrow I am meeting with a restaurant investor.

This is it, guys! Let's celebrate.

Pangaea Grill. Champ, coming.

What the hell? I thought you talked to Dave?

I gotta say, ever since I decided

to pursue this dream again, I'm so happy.

I mean, I went to a dark place, man,

like applying-to-grad-school dark.

I'm sorry, what did you wanna talk about?

Uh, Hillary Clinton. I voted for her.

I never told anybody. Feels good to get it off my chest.

A glitch in the bravelength. Someone needs to talk to him.

Yes, before he starts feeding Chicago Inuit blubber tacos.

It can't be me. I've crushed his entire personal life.

I cannot blow up his professional life.

I'm not at a point in my life

where I can be taken seriously. Somebody talk to him.

This is absolutely...

Dave! Dave.

- Al, can you help me? - Yeah, sure.

Guys, I wanna thank you for your support.

I couldn't do this without you.

Thank you for believing in me,

or as they say in Burmese:

Kyeizu tin ba de.

All right, champagne for my real friends,

real pain for my sham friends.

To Pangaea. To Pangaea.

To Pangaea. To Pangaea.

Pangaea.

How's that condo you're building in my brain now?

What? You built it too quick and the economy collapsed?

You're on the street doing hand stuff for food...

Ugh! How did we tie?

Two-two again? Okay, okay, there is one category left

in the zombieathlon: ruthlessness.

I haven't figured out how to measure that.

Oh, mug a baby. No.

But you're in the right area.

You wanna come to a super-fun party on Friday night

with Toby and all his friends?

No way. It's gonna be totally normal.

No, it's not. Fine.

It's a Long island '90s bat mitzvah theme.

Oh, hipsters.

Aren't you getting tired of this?

I mean, the clothes, the antique yo-yos,

you've been making lanyards for four hours.

Seems like a lot of work. What relationship isn't work?

Affleck and Garner got it figured out.

Okay, yes, knowing what's cool

and what's not cool is exhausting.

But I'm learning, and Toby's worth it.

Come on Friday, for me?

There's a thumb-wrestling tournament.

Are any of these people adults?

They will be after the bat mitzvah.

Imagine the beginning of time meets the future of food

and that, my good man...

is Pangaea Grill.

One world, one restaurant.

Incredible.

I have to call my partners in to hear this.

Great. When they get here,

pitch it again. Same way. Okay.

As if you don't know it's the stupidest idea ever.

Okay. What?

I made a big mistake. You can't blame yourself.

No, no, I'm not, you know? I get it, economy's bad,

which is why I'm gonna bypass

the whole traditional investor thing

and cash in on my 401 K.

Plus, I'm working with this guy who told me a way

I can get cash from his dad.

Sounds sketchy, right?

Wrong. All I gotta do is take a box of calling cards

to an airfield in Indiana. Cut and dry.

What's wrong? Light beer?

You don't believe in this Pangaea thing?

I love restaurants.

We... We... We all love restaurants.

Yeah, I get it.

I get it. Dave, come...

This is officially out of hand

and none of you guys is gonna say anything?

Really?

It is light beer.

Fine. I'll do it.

And this all started as your standard

"Who would survive the zombie apocalypse" debate.

Imagine what would happen if we had a real conversation.

Hey.

I know, Pangaea was a stupid idea.

No, not totally.

Just had a lot of stupid stuff surrounding it.

Dave, I know you think I'm a dream crusher,

but in this case I just wanna be a dream compactor.

Like this dream.

Okay, that's not fair.

The hand gestures make compacting look adorable, so...

This huge scheme is not you, okay?

You're reasonable and responsible.

I know. I'm so reasonable and I'm so responsible

it turned me into a zombie, all right?

I got that message loud and clear.

Okay, but look, there's a middle ground.

You don't need to go from zero to 60 in...

Whatever. I don't know car stuff.

Look, you don't need sushi, you don't need Kazak food.

You don't need to try and make the vegans happy.

They never will be.

Steak sandwich, okay? Stick with what you're good at.

Start small. A little sandwich shop, maybe.

I still need to find some money.

Are you proposing to me?

Because we have a weird history.

I know you said I could keep it,

but I want you to have it.

It's not gonna cover everything, but it's a start.

Thanks, Al.

Hey, I can call my shop Steak Me Home Tonight.

No, you can't do that. Okay.

You don't look ruthless to me.

Can't outrun a zombie in those heels.

In high school, I beat up a girl in these heels.

Noelle should've never stepped to you.

Thank you so much for coming.

Watch the crimp. You look amazing.

Let's get this '90s bat mitzvah on.

It's gonna be insanity.

Uh, no one here is dressed up.

I am super-happy with my choices.

Ooh, gefilte fish.

You guys seem to be putting in a lot of effort.

Yeah, we're dressed for a '90s bat mitzvah.

Yeah, crimped hair, yarmulkes, seems a little obvious.

Obvious? To be dressing up for a costume party?

Um, this is a theme party. There's a difference.

Look, it's just not cool to try so hard.

We are trying too hard?

Lone wears an empty fanny pack everywhere.

Atticus spends his weekends at yard sales

scrounging around for jean shorts.

Plus, his name is Atticus.

I've seen you wearing headphones

that aren't attached to anything,

and this girl is in a fake wheelchair.

I was in a really serious accident.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

J.K., I can totes walk. Cool chair, right?

Okay, that's it, you're done.

Listen up, hipsters.

Maybe I do try too hard, okay?

But that's because trying hard can be fun.

And you know what else is fun? Actually liking things.

Like this song, I like this song.

I like it a lot, and not ironically.

I "like it" like it, and so do my friends.

Guys, we're dancing out.

Guys.

This is not awkward.

Here, come... Here we go.

Okay. You showed them. Okay.

You're good. The legs. Night.

Oh, a food truck. Thank God, I'm starving.

- Yeah, me too. - Ugh, I'm hung.

David? Is this yours?

It's awesome. I know.

I got some really good advice from a special person

and decided to start small.

It's all about the bravelength. No, no, not you. Uh, Alex.

So I'm not gonna quit my job. I'm gonna do this part-time.

Food trucks are huge right now. This thing is awesome.

Although, I cannot drive it.

I definitely hit something on the way here.

Was it a man? A log? A beast? We'll never know.

Hey, guys, food truck. Hipsters love food trucks.

Dude, I don't have any food. They're not gonna like that.

I can't lose my biggest consumer base.

They'll tweet me out of business.

Everybody get in the truck. Distract the hipsters.

Look there! Sofia Coppola's playing badminton

with Jason Schwartzman.

Drive! Drive!

Impressive moves back there with those hipsters.

Maybe we'd do okay in a zombie apocalypse.

With our skills combined, we'd be unstoppable.

Oh, there's more of them.

What?

Ruthlessness! Whoo!

All right. Okay, very funny, guys.

Throw your friend out of a car. Slow down.

Dave, slow down, I can't run.

I didn't stretch today. Slow down.

Ah! I pulled my hamstring, Dave.

Dave, I pulled my hammy out. Slow down.

I pulled my other hamstring. I pulled my other hamstring!

Dave! Dave, you're...

This is not something friends do.

I have a cramp.