All language subtitles for Van.Wilder.2002.1080p.BluRay.H264.AAC-RARBG_en

Coolidge College was
established in 18...

Who knows this?
It was in your freshman facts.

The first day of spring semester.

A time to say goodbye
to the parents once again,

and say hello to a few
new student bodies.

As for me, well,

I like to start off each semester
with a certain time-honored tradition.

A ritual, if you will,

that allows me to get my head
in the right place.

Okay, so Suk Mae's a little old,

but she is just so damn good.

She's great with these quick jobs,

plus there is no substitute
for decades of experience.

That looks amazing.

That is perfect. You're a pro. A pro.

Hey, look at me.

Pro.

Well, gosh, that was great.
Thanks for the quick job there, Suk Mee.

I need these in 20 minutes.

Super.

We've got a jumper!

Hold on, son.
You don't want to do this.

I didn't want to come here, either.

They made me come!

They made me!

First year can be kind of scary,
can't it, Timmy?

My... My name's not...

But you know what I've learned in my
seven years here at Coolidge, Timmy?

I've learned that you can't treat every
situation as a life-and-death matter,

because you'll die a lot of times.

Write that down.

- I don't have a pen, sir.
- Well, remember that then.

And you know something, Timmy?

I think you've got the balls
to make it here.

Call me nuts...
but I believe in you.

You see, Timmy, you can't let this
lead you all the time.

Sometimes you've gotta heed this.

And I think that you've got a lot of heart
in there, mister, don't you?

Don't you? I mean,
look around you.

Timmy?

Timmy?

Great work, Van. Thanks.

Remember my credo, Timmy!

Don't be a fool.
Stay in school!

God, I love this place.

- Hey, Van.
- Hey, Van the man.

I called you last night, Van.

My name is Van Wilder,
and this is my home.

Coolidge College.

The last, well, seven years
have gone by way too fast.

This school's given me so much,
I just can't seem to give enough back.

That's Van.

That's him.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

Yeah. Wow.

I was the first ever male cheerleader
at Huntington High.

The first ever!

Give me a "V"! Give me an "A"!

Give me an "N"!
What does it spell?

I see a rabbi,

and he's performing a circumcision,
on himself though.

You'll become disciplined.

Your mind will become a weapon.

I'm sorry. You really
just don't fit the profile.

We're just gonna do
a little bit of word association.

Cookies!

Hi. My name is Van.

Hi, my name is Terry.

Let's get it started then,
shall we?

Big finish.

Medic.

Having us both at the same time...

...will definitely lighten your load.

We will bend over backwards for you.

There's nothing
too big we can't handle.

We mean nothing.

We'll stay on top of you...

...and ride you all semester.

Basically, we're saying
we won't blow the job, man.

By the way, can you tell me if there'll be
any international travel, huh?

Huh? Huh?

Seriously, now,
I swear to God,

I'm really uncomfortable now.
It's time you should go.

Not one acceptable candidate.

What is wrong with the youth of today?

The Internet, dude.

Fries their brain cells, man.

It's cool, Colossus.
We'll find somebody.

C-los, get your ass off my shirt.

Yo, you really should have him
neutered, man.

That's up to him.

They are getting bigger, aren't they?

I'll get that.

Looks like we got one more.

What's your name?

I'm Taj Mahal Badalandabad.

Where are you from, Taj?

I'm an exchange student
from Banglapur, India.

Welcome. What can we do for you?

My exchange program culminates
at the end of this school year,

at which time I must return
to my home country

where I do not have many friends.

I would like very much to spend
my remaining days here,

- serving as your assistant.
- Okay.

We're just gonna do
a little word association.

Say the first thing
that comes to your mind.

- Milk.
- Tit.

Oh, Mommy.

Most Indians would say "cow"
because they are sacred,

but I hear "milk," I...
I think giant jugs.

You see, I cannot go home a virgin.

I came here to study the great American
art of muff diving.

To smack clam, munch rug,

dine at just one American pink taco stand.

You know, I wanted to, how is it,
park the porpoise.

You know, I want to take it
through the car wash, baby.

You know, and get it waxed.
I want to wax it. Wax it.

You know, and air dry.

You know, air dry that shit,
yeah. Yeah, air...

And I would like to be your assistant
very much, Mr. Van Wilder.

You'll need a copy of my class schedule
so you can take notes.

You'll also handle my finances.

I lecture at the freshman crisis group
every other Monday.

I'm spearheading the Save the Swim Team
Speedo Spectacular,

and the Bloated Belly Beer Bash
to Battle Bulimia this semester.

This is Sick Boy's room.
Not a week's gone by

he hasn't come down
with some sort of ailment.

Shingles, hepatitis, crabs.
That was his fault.

- Matzo ball soup. Jewish penicillin.
- Thanks, Van.

Don't pick at it. Moving on.

You'll need to move my 7:15
to 8:15, my 8:15 to 9:45,

and my 9:45 to Wednesday.

You owe $75,000
for the speed boat.

Cancel my guest lecture at the Wharton
School next week.

I feel like going somewhere tropical.
Tahiti. Are you writing this down?

Yes, sir.

You owe $200,000 for the thoroughbred.

Oh, and schedule a massage after my golf
game tomorrow afternoon.

- With a happy ending?
- Uh, yes.

And another $39,000 for your son's tuition
and housing this semester.

Tuition?
Van is still in school?

For the better part of a decade.

"Depression:
ls Prozac really the answer?"

"Famine. Crisis in Rwanda."

"Tracking Tuition:
Where does our money really go?"

Each article well-written and extensively
researched by our own Gwen Pearson,

and each article skipped over by the
majority of the student body.

I don't care. I won't pander to them.

"Lite Beer vs. Dark. The Showdown"
by Darius Grayson.

Is that the same...

Pulitzer-prize
winning Darius Grayson.

He's an alumnus of our journalism staff.

He wrote his best stuff in detox.
Still does, I'm told.

I have got a very challenging
assignment for you.

A story that nobody's been able to get.

- About what?
- No, no, no.

It's about whom.

It does not look good.

That's the end of the first half

and the Chickadees will need
a miracle to come back and score.

Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to step
away from Van's vehicle.

Wilder!

He's got no business parking there.
That's my spot.

They need me, Ted.

This is the first time in my life
I'm glad I'm deaf.

I can't hear the boos. Now, listen up.

I'm only gonna go over this one more time.

In the event they switch
to a zone defense,

we must swing the ball
around the perimeter.

This ball club is the heart
of this institution.

You win, it beats. You lose, it breaks.

You're not boxing out, Big Papa!
You're my Windex man.

I want you shining glass.

Quentin, we gotta D Up out there.

Darius. I want you all over that ball like
a fat kid on a cupcake.

What are you looking at, Suzy? Your mom
called, said you left your legs at home.

For God's sake!

I'd do anything for you guys,

which is why I'm throwing you a little
soiree tomorrow night

but not without a W tonight.
You want to know why?

'Cause nobody wants
to celebrate a loss, guys.

Hey, man, you gonna invite those freak
honeys from Mount Holyoke?

I already did.

They said they'd try to make it
if they weren't humping the Matadors.

The Matadors?

What?

Come on, fellas. We got
a ball game to win.

Let's go kick some Matador tail...

How bad do you wanna be a Delta?

Would you walk on broken glass?

Let the shards tear
into your Achilles tendon,

causing acute achondroplasia

which could lead to non-congenital
dwarfism as you got older?

Just ease up on the medical terms.
Just keep it simple and terrifying.

Gordon, there are very few things
more terrifying

than non-congenital dwarfism, okay?

Hey, Richard. Ready to study?

Gwenny, I said 9:30. It's 9:20.

I'm in the middle
of an 80-year tradition here.

I will be up when I'm done with my
presidential responsibilities.

- All right?
- Okay, I'll wait for you upstairs.

Who's my alabaster princess? Mm?

You are. You are.

You...

Relax, guys. They're just Doritos.

Listen to me, you little fuck stains!

When I count to three, you will jump

or else be banished
from this house forever!

One, two...

Fuck!

Excuse me.
Where can I find Van Wilder?

In the Guinness Book
of World-fucking-Records, man,

under "Raddest fucking dude alive."

Okay. Thanks.

In any one
of these three rooms, Gramps.

Van Wilder.

Van?

Sweet Joseph, my son's a fairy.

Dad, what are you doing here?

Oh, thank God.

No jammies.

- Party foul.
- No, no, hey...

Don't... Oh, dear God.

Next time you'll know better.

Seven years, and no degree. You should
have graduated twice by now.

I've done a lot in seven years.

If you don't have your doctorate,
you haven't done enough.

But you have wasted enough of your time
and my money.

So pack up your panties, son,
because we are heading home.

No.

I'm staying here with my friends.

Fine. Maybe your friends
can pay your tuition,

because this morning I placed a stop
payment on this semester's check.

I'm sorry, son.

Sometimes in life you have to realize
a poor investment

and simply cut your losses.

Write that down.

I need more time.

There's got to be something
that we can work out.

What is that intoxicating scent you're
wearing, Doris?

I have cats.

Meow.

Maybe you could put me on some sort
of, uh, extension program?

A little, uh, pay-as-you-go?

Mr. Wilder, are you
trying to seduce me?

Who, me? No.

Hey, hey!

You know, may-may-maybe
this isn't such a good idea.

Being bad seldom is.

Oh, yeah. That's the shit.

Hey. Guess what. I'm feeling a little
cold sore coming on.

Maybe we shouldn't do this
for three to six weeks.

Shut up, bitch,
and give me some sugar.

Fill this out. It's a standard payment
plan extension form.

You mean, we didn't have to...

But aren't you glad we did?

You can either mail this in
or drop it off.

Go, baby, 90!

Mail it in!

Mail it in! Mail it in.

Van, you must make four monthly
payments of $5,000 each.

I'm sorry, Taj. I'm gonna have
to let you go.

I... I don't have the resources
to pay for your services anymore.

A good soldier does not leave
his commander

just because he lies wounded,
arms torn off at the sockets,

intestines spilling out onto the mud,
picked at by the birds.

I will stay on at no charge.

Okay.

Exactly how much money do you have'?

He has only $34.

Damn, Van! What the hell
you gonna do with $34, man?

Whoo!

Congratulations, Taj.
Your first blow job.

In my country, a woman's mastery
of her gastronomical releases

is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

Well, Desiree is the foremost connoisseur
of chili con carne

and a TA at Coolidge.

I wish I had teachers like that.

And just like that,
Topless Tutors was born.

X

equals... six?

We knew you could do it.

Desi told me how she and a few
of her grad school pals

could use some extra income.

Taj proved to be an excellent
company accountant,

as well as our most valued client.

Excuse me.

Hi. I'm looking for information
on a current student here, Van Wilder.

Freshman year.
I'll get the others.

Wait, wait. There are more of these?

Actually, there are many more.

It seems Mr. Wilder
didn't quite come out of his shell

until mid-sophomore year.

Thanks.

It's like this itchy,
rashy burning sensation.

And it hurts when I...

Dance?

When I pee!

- You hooked up with a burner, didn't you?
- Yeah.

She seemed like a nice girl,
said it was her first time?

You know, you should always check
the quality of the turf

before you step onto the field.

Listen, go to the campus hospital,
see Stu.

Tell him Van sent you,
and remember...

Don't be a fool. Wrap your tool.

Thanks, Van. Thanks a lot.

Don't thank me.
Thank penicillin.

Crazy kids with their crazy VD.

You must be Van.

Hi.

I'm Gwen Pearson,
staff writer for The Liberator.

Hey. Oh!

Okay, look, that old bag is stronger
than she looks, all right?

I'm doing a human interest piece on you.

Well, I'm flattered. I'd love
for your piece to be on me.

But sadly I don't do interviews.
I never have, I never will.

I do lunch, though.

My editor did say
this would be a challenge.

- Van, second date with Emily. Red? Blue?
- Blue.

Blue. Brings out your eyes. Kid's got
killer eyes, not unlike yourself.

Has anyone ever told you that before?

- Yes, my boyfriend.
- Oh.

Is it true that this is your seventh year
at Coolidge?

Carry the two...Yes, that's correct.

So what's your boyfriend's name?
Does he go to school here?

Does he appreciate you?

- That's none of your business.
- You know what?

You're right.

His name's Richard. He's premed.

Van, you have a 1:30
with the swim team.

On it.

- You have an assistant?
- Yes, I do.

Is there anything you can tell me
about yourself

that I haven't already found out
from your public records?

Uh-huh. I'll be at the quad tomorrow night
at 10:00. Sound good?

- Yes.
- It's a date.

It's an interview, not a date.

Gwen, first dates are interviews.

- You going out tonight?
- Mm-hmm.

Rob's coming over. I'm closing in
on that diamond, Gwen.

The dynamic duo
will seal the deal tonight.

Good luck, ladies.

Somebody got awfully dressed up
to quiz me on my first Anatomy midterm.

I'm so sorry, baby, I totally forgot.

- I have an interview for the paper.
- At 10:00 at night?

Can't you postpone it?
Gwen, first exam, most crucial.

It's not like you're on a deadline
for The Boston Globe.

It's the only time he had available.

I'll call you as soon
as I get back, okay? Bye.

He?

All right. Hey, Gwen, all right!
You're just in time.

- Take your clothes off.
- I'm not taking off my clothes.

Oh, well, it is the Naked Mile Run.
Everybody else is in their birthday suit.

Except that guy.

- Um, I have a few questions for you.
- In time. This is gonna be fun.

You know, that three-letter word,
starts with F?

So you're quite the campus man,
heading events like the Jéger Olympics.

Oh, yes, well, you know,
you haven't lived

until you've shot putted
blitzed on Jéger. Heinie?

This was a really bad idea.
I'm leaving.

Hey! Are we gonna
reschedule or what?

Who's a big boy?

Who's a big--

Oh, God!

Those things could
raise the Titanic.

You Van Wilder?

The strip club owner got tired
of using his B squad,

so he came back for the starting lineup.

Topless Tutors was dead.

We are truly up the Ganga river
without a bamboo oar.

We're still $1,200 short
of your next tuition payment.

Taj, I learned a long time ago that
worrying is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do, but it
doesn't get you anywhere.

Write that down.

Don't even sweat it, Taj.
I think I've got a plan.

- Let's go get fucked up.
- Sounds good.

Is that all you people think about?

Now, I admit I applied for this job

because I wanted to cut loose
and shake my rump,

but I do not believe that this dilemma
will be solved by partying.

Can I help you, son?

I certainly hope so, Mr. Wilder.
I come to you in desperation.

I'm Panos Patakos, president
of the Lambda Omega Omega fraternity.

I'm sure you're aware of our... stigma.

Yeah, you guys have had
best GPA the last 50 years.

Indeed, but believe it or not,
the best GPA doesn't get you laid.

- Damn well should.
- Amen.

This month marks our 75th anniversary.

I am here to ask you to aid us
in throwing a party,

a party we can be proud of,

a party people will actually show up to.

Gosh, Panos, I'd really love
to help you out,

but I have a bamboo oar
stuck up my Ganges.

It's very scary stuff.
And I just don't have the time.

How much is your time worth?

Panes reminded me that I had
one very valuable skill I'd yet to tap:

My undeniable ability
to throw one hell of a party.

I was hanging on by a thread,
but I was still making tuition.

The strawberry! Eat the strawberry!
It's worth 250!

Don't you think I know that?

- You treat me like a child.
- I don't like the way you condescend me.

- Don't do that!
- Frankly, you're juvenile.

Guys.

I know Ms. Pac-Man's special.

She's fun. She's cute. She swallows.

But we gotta talk, guys.

Huddle up.
Come on. Team meeting here.

Cowboy. All right.

I look at you guys,
and you know what I see?

A collective GPA of 52,000?

Yeah! No!

I see a bunch of party animals
crouched in attack position,

ready to strike. Am I right?

No one even knows we're here.

Au contraire, mon frére. Girls!

Hi.

I'd like you to meet Sherri and Terri.

Two girls utterly infatuated

with men who have larger than normal
medulla oblongatas.

Pearson.

I got a hot news tip for you.

It's Friday night.
Get the hell out of here.

I know. I'm just doing some final
revisions to this piece on euthanasia.

Oh, I read that. Made me want
to kill myself.

I'm kidding.
Where's my Wilder story?

There is no story, Elliot.

The guy's a joke. I mean, he tries to turn
every interview into a date.

A good writer gets her story
no matter what.

Now please get me the Wilder piece.

He's throwing a big party tonight.
You should be there.

- Hey.
- This is really a pimping good time.

Yes, it is.

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, oh!

Look who's checking out
the Badalandabad. Her name's Naomi.

That's "I moan" backwards.

I put in a good word for you.

Hey, Tajy. Let's boogie.

These are the most pathetic
bunch of pledges.

- You picked 'em.
- What?

- Hey, babe.
- Gwen.

Why aren't you in costume?

I can't stay.
I have to work tonight.

But you're gonna miss
the biggest party of the year.

Well, um, I gotta go.
I'll call you tomorrow.

What?

This party so rocks, Richard.

- This party sucks rectum, Jeannie.
- Okay.

Where the hell is everyone?

Mad props for this pimping good time

go out to those hung
and handsome bad boys

of Lambda Omega Omega.

Thanks for the good time, fellas.

Gwen! Hey!

- Let's get you some skates.
- I'm not here to skate.

Look, for some reason,
my editor thinks you're a story.

Well, what do you think?

As a story, I think...
You're a little soft.

Uh, wow, all this time I thought I was
more to you than just some flaccid story.

A dilemma has arose up front.

I don't really know
if we got our point across.

- Crystal clear, guys.
- This is incredible.

100%. Don't go anywhere, okay?

Seriously, Van is a Godsend.

I would have paid him
way more than a grand for this party.

I would have cashed in my Israel bonds.

- How do you put a price on dignity?
- How do you put a price on poonani?

- Yes!
- Oh, God!

Oh, my God. Feel it!

Whoa. Trick or treat.
What's going on?

This vaginal discharge won't let us
partake in the party.

Graphic.

I'm sure that we can accommodate
a few more, yeah?

No can do.
We're at maximum capacity.

- Gwen, what are you doing here?
- You two know each other?

That's my girlfriend, gluteus erecti.

- You must be premed Dick.
- Yeah, that's right.

What's it to you?

Thanks for the story.

What story?

Brilliant, Pearson.

I have been inundated
with people telling me

how much they enjoy reading
about this guy.

They want more, and so do I.
I want you to do a follow-up.

I did your story, Elliot.
I'm not doing another one.

Even if I tell you it's gonna be
on the front page

of the graduation issue
in two months?

And I quote,
"Van Wilder is a party pimp."

Sick Boy!
Can you believe she wrote that?

Van Wilder's phone.

I do not foresee that to be a problem.

And that guy she's with...
All kinds of wrong for her.

- Sick Boy, how are you doing?
- Van, the shingles are all gone.

That ointment really worked.

Thanks.

Looking good there, buddy.

He'll call you back.

Unbelievable.

Van Wilder's phone.

- Terrible.
- I think so.

Uh, yeah.

- Hang on.
- Unbelievable.

Van's room.
Saturday night, yeah.

That's... How did you...
From the paper?

Yeah, that's fine. Okay, thanks.

- Yeah. No problem, confirming. Bye.
- This writing, it's just...

- Hi, I was just wondering...
- No!

...if you could slam the door in my face.

Van, Van, you must listen to me. Because
of her article,

practically everybody wants
to have a party thrown by Van Wilder,

the party liaison.

Your cash camel has arrived.

We need to talk.

This is why I don't do interviews.
You totally slammed me.

You journalists
and your irresponsible reporting.

I recorded quotes that you received money
from the Lambdas to throw them a party.

Recorded? What are you, bugged?
Do I need to frisk you?

Why is my story such a big deal to you?

Because I didn't want students to know
that I threw the party.

Yeah, they paid me, but that's not
the only reason I did it.

Those Lambdas are cool in their own right.
People just needed to realize it.

I'm sorry. I didn't know, you know,
you had a benevolent agenda.

There's two sides to every story, Gwen.

Look, I have a chance to make front page
of the graduation issue,

which is a huge deal to me. Please.

- Let me get the other side.
- All right.

There's this function
I'm hosting tomorrow night.

If you want, you could tag along.

- I'll be there.
- It's a date.

It's an interview.

Remember, today's assignment
is about shadow.

So don't get too hung up on detail.

All right, everybody?

Oh, Lord.

So much sinew,
I need a bigger pencil.

8:30 p.m. Yeah, that's fine.
Hello, hello? Yeah...

Word spread around campus.

My calendar was filled
with parties to plan.

Van Wilder,
party liaison, was born.

At the Hillel House,
I broke bread.

And then I broke the boredom.

They said I did them a mitzvah.

That's Yiddish for "good deed."

Write that down.

Oh, yeah, she came, too.

This is the second party of his
she's gone to.

Sounds serious. Threatened?

Threatened? Please.

I'm president of both my fraternity
and the student government.

He's nothing more
than a mild rectal itch.

You know what you do
about a mild rectal itch, Gordo?

- What's that, Richard?
- You scratch it.

And then you scratch it some more.

The more you scratch at it, the worse it
gets until finally you have nothing left

but a raw, chafed,
possibly infected anal cavity.

And then it's won.

When all you had to do from the start
was take a medicated pad...

and smother it.

All right, people,
midterm is next week.

Here you have your five categories.

Commerce and trade,
so forth and so on.

What you doing?

I'm in the middle of class.

You know, that five-letter word.

I thought we could spend some time
together for the story.

H9)'-

I want you to have this.

- Yeah.
- And thank you.

All right, things to remember.

Commerce and trade...

Everybody just file out
in an orderly fashion.

What? Wha-- Oh, come on. Hop in.

I am not getting in that thing with you.

If you want the story,
you'll get in this thing with me.

What happened?
ls everyone okay?

Wilder.

Are we gonna get in trouble
for being in here?

No, no, it's cool.
The equipment manager owes me a favor.

I introduced him to his wife.

Life is all about developing
relationships, Gwen.

I hope you can skate.

So the deal is, I score,

you cooperate
and answer all my questions?

- I miss...
- Dinner for two, me and you.

Clothing optional.

Ow.

Come on!

Holy crap.

My brothers play hockey...

...for the Rangers.

My dad just didn't see me
as a sound investment anymore.

But he gave up on me and my morn long
before I ever came here.

Maybe seven years of tuition

is a good way to remind him
that you're still angry.

So how long have you and premed Richard
been together?

Since my freshman year.

I bet he's a tighty whitey guy.

- Excuse me?
- White, elastic band, constrictive.

You can tell a lot about a person
by the kind of drawers they wear.

Like you. Granny panties, I bet.

Does that allude to me
being the plain, boring type?

No, I just wanted a visual.

Well, I think it takes a lot more
than the kind of underwear one wears

to define them as a person.

Like what?

Like their actions.

For instance,

most people want to get out of school
so they can make money.

You're trying to make money
to stay in school. Why?

I like it here.

What about your future?

You take life way too seriously.

Life is serious.

You know, I used to party with this guy
who once told me,

"Van, don't take life too seriously.
You'll never get out alive."

He used to write for the school paper.

He kept babbling about the differences
between light and dark beer.

Very strange, but good advice.

You think about the future too much,

you know, you kinda forget
about the present, obviously.

And I am really enjoying
the present right now,

sharing a penalty box
and a tri-latte with Gwen Pearson,

who believes censorship reflects
society's lack of confidence in itself.

You actually read that article?

Okay, look, I read
the damn article, all right?

But don't tell anyone, because if word
gets out that I read,

my reputation?
Shot to hell.

She's smart, she's beautiful,

she can skate.

She's not for you, dude.
She's too high-strung.

Besides, babes that fine?

They're way into themselves and shit.

Van.

After this weekend,

we should have sufficient funds to cover
your next two payments.

I mean, this girl is dynamite.

Too bad she's dating Strapper John, MD.

Where did you find that?

In your room a few days ago.

I'm trying to spark this bong, but this
damn thing won't light.

That's no bong.
It's for my schlong.

Hold on.

You mean I put my mouth
on your cock pump?

Oh, damn.

I have a date with Naomi tomorrow night,

and I just wanted to bring my A game.

Taj, come on.
That's what I'm here for, all right?

Now, follow my foolproof plan,

and I'm gonna help you put the bang
in Banglapur.

All you need are the three fundamentals:
scented candles,

massage oil,

and Barry White.

Write that down.

- Hey, no cock pump.
- No cock pump.

Barry White.

I'm gonna go wash my hands now.

Oh, Gwen. Your labia feels so good
around my swollen phallus.

Oh, I'm fairly confident
I'm going to ejaculate.

I'm releasing my seminal fluids
inside of you now.

Are you okay?

Yeah. Why?

Well, didn't you...

Well, it's kind of hard in 15 seconds.

Damn it, Gwen.

You know the kind of pressure I'm under
with my exams.

- I'm sorry.
- No, look, I'm sorry.

This semester's marks
could very well determine

the next 10 years of our life together.
Do you realize that?

You know,

you shouldn't take life too seriously.

You'll never get out alive.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

I'm late for my study group.

She was getting awfully chummy
with the rectal itch.

Son of a bitch. Disappear!

Yes, superior leader, sir.

It's time to excise
that cancerous lump.

Forget him tonight.
Let's crap in the chapter room

and make the pledges clean it up.
It'll be fun.

I wish I could, Gordo.
I got dinner at Gwen's parents' house.

Sounds special.
ls Wilder gonna be there?

Hey, guys. Hey, Richard.

Is there anything
I can do for you today?

Dear Van...

Here you go, Ta}
Get your rave on, man.

Thanks. You got it.

"See you tonight. Gwen. "
The invite to the parents' house.

This is-- this is big.
This is very, very big.

- Doesn't she have a boyfriend?
- Details.

- I'm off. Taj, you're in charge.
- No, no, no.

No, I do not think I'm capable of handling
such a responsibility.

Hey, hey! Listen to me. Do you know
why I chose you as my assistant?

- So you could teach me how to muff dive?
- No.

Well, yeah, but also, because you have
the potential to be great.

- Hello.
- Hi.

- May I help you?
- Yeah, I'm Van...

Van, you made it.

Evelyn, this is one of your daughter's
acquaintances from school.

There's room for one more, isn't there?

By all means. Come in, please.

Definitely be out of the question
unless, of course, they all agreed with us

and we talked it over.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Van, this is Dr. Henke, proctologist.

Oh, well, holy crap.
I hope you're not on call tonight, huh?

- Dr. Beeverman, OB-GYN.
- Oh.

Van Wilder. G-L-A-D to meet you.

And of course, Gwen's father.

Oh, you know, I'm gonna go out on a limb
here. Uh, Dr. Pearson?

- Indeed.
-lndeed.Supen

All right. So am I here for a physical?

'Cause I'm gonna need a few cocktails
before I start coughing for you fellas.

What are you doing here?

I don't know.

No, thank you.

Mr. Wilder here is quite the collegian.

He's in his, what, sixth year?

Mm. Lucky number seven, actually.

What are you studying, son?

Well, I dabble in a little bit
of everything.

I've tried to experience all that Coolidge
has to offer.

Well, surely you have
a career in mind.

No, not really.

I'm still looking for that
dare-to-be-great situation.

Maybe you should start looking
for that dare-to-be-employed situation.

The student body
finds Van so intriguing

that my editor has asked me to do
an expose on him

for the school newspaper.

Well, isn't that wonderful?

That will be quite the page-turner.

It'll be a very well written article.

Gwen is an extremely gifted journalist.

Are you and Richard
in the same fraternity?

Oh, no, no, no.

Van isn't exactly Delta Iota Kappa
material.

Richard, you rascal, you never told me
that you were a DIK.

Not that you had to.

I'm gonna go get another bottle
of champagne.

- Richard, will you help me open it?
- Sure.

Wow.

If he's here, who's running Hell?

What are exactly do you think
you're doing out there?

Proving a point.

Your friend doesn't fit in.
He's a virus, and I'm the vaccine.

I can't believe you're doing this.

Pop quiz. True or false.

You and that GDI have been spending
an inordinate amount of time together.

True. Now here's a multiple choice
question for you.

You're A, an asshole,

B, an asshole who isn't staying
at my place tonight, or C, all the above?

What's B again?

Gwenny, I'm kidding. I apologize.

- Gwenny, where are you going?
- To go save Van.

God only knows what my parents and their
stuck up friends are doing to him now.

Oh! Okay! All right!

You're a natural, Dr. P.
Hey, what are you looking at?

- Henke, you're up. Come on.
- Hey, all right. All right.

Easy, sailor.

All right, Wilder, let's dance.

It's a good day to die, McDoogle.

Oh, yes.

Jesus! Criminy!

What happened to you, Wilder?
Don't think I don't remember.

You got an A in my freshman
economics class.

You remember one thing,
young man.

Apathy is the glove
into which evil slips its hand.

I'll write that down.

You do that. You're not
fooling anybody, Wilder!

You're only fooling yourself!

- Why don't you walk?
- I think I'll walk from here.

Are you stalking me'?
Because that would be super.

Well, my mom did want me to invite you
to her Tupperware party next week.

Was that a...

Judges' ruling.

Uh-huh. Yeah.
I do believe that was a joke.

I want to apologize for what Richard did
the other night.

It was a really immature stunt.

Yeah, I know,

but, you know, sometimes guys can do
some pretty childish things, Gwen.

Let us proceed.

Is he ready?

Ah, yeah, he's ready.

It's go time.

Such a good boy.

Stop for a second.
Stop for a second. Stop.

Okay.

For the love of God.

Smile, buddy.

Lovely.

It's all about presentation, gentlemen.

Well, I'll be damned!

Poor guyjust needed a little TLC.

I got it, guys.
No problem whatsoever.

Let the damn baby have his ball back.

Thank you, brothers.

It's not like he can
see out of it anyway.

Loser.

Awesome work, sisters.

Special delivery, Richard.

- Time out.
- What the fuck, Jeannie?

"From the sisters of Sigma Theta Tau."
Well, dig in, guys.

Mmm.

Oh, they're still warm.

- So creamy.
- They're awesome.

Oh!

Oh, they're so creamy.

God, these are excellent.

Um, guys? Richard?

Mmm.

Think I've had these before.

Richard.

Oh, my God!

I love this song.

I know.

It is the White Barry.

Is that for me?

I long to rub you the right way.

You're such a bad little Badalandabad.

No harm, no foul.

Are you all right?

Never better,
my little jasmine flower.

That feels good.

Oh, my God.

On, Taj...

Take me.

I want you now.

Now.

Shit!

Don't tease me.

This is the culmination
of my being.

Baby, I'm about to culminate.
Now, get over here.

Oh, Tajy, I'm so hot.

I feel on fire.

Oh, yeah, me, too, baby.

- Burning up?
- Oh, yeah, baby, I'm burning up.

You are most amazing
to make me feel so...

Damn hot!

I wonder how T-Bad's date's going.

Scented candles,
massage oils, Barry White.

Yeah, we can't be too far
from climax, huh?

Whoa!

Why do I always fail'?

You put too much pressure on yourself.

Don't worry about the money.
I'll figure something out.

More importantly,

when the time is right,

it'll happen.

You'll find the one.

Hi. I need to see the grade transcripts
for Van Wilder, please.

I don't think so.

Student transcripts
are confidential. Sorry.

Swim team really does
need your love, folks.

And if Milty Mingleton can shove himself

into that weenie bikini...

...then you don't need to be shy
about making your donations now!

- Whoo!
- Yes!

Thank you, Milty!

After we put all
the water back in the pool,

we'll be accepting donations in the form
of cash, Visa and full-frontal nudity.

Hutch, take over.

That's right, folks.
Save the swim team.

Hi, Gwen.

Bikini-clad judges for a fundraiser?
That's pretty genius.

Sex sells, Gwen. Sex sells.

Listen, it's not too late for you to enter
the doubles breaststroke if you like.

No, thanks. I forgot my suit.

I just came across a bit of interesting
information, though.

All right, look.

The vet assured me that canine semen
is perfectly healthy.

In fact, surprisingly rich...

You've been 18 units shy of graduating
for the past six semesters.

Whoa. You, uh, went klepto
on my transcripts.

What's going on with you, Van?

You're actively trying
not to get out of here.

Why are you doing this? Huh?

Do you ever stop playing
the in-depth reporter?

L just want to know
why you're putting off your life.

Not for the paper. For me.

Well, I have no comment.

For either of you.

External occipital protuberance.

Posterior gluteal line.

Dorsal appendage.

Gwen. Was the last one right'?

Uh, yeah, that's right.

Wrong! The dorsal appendage exists only
in marine-equipped mammalia.

I knew you weren't listening.

- What's wrong with you?
- Nothing. I'm fine.

Let's get out of here, go grab a beer.

Are you insane? You know
my midterm and finals ritual.

I study till 11 :00.
Nine solid hours of sleep.

Protein shake in the morning.

Okay, very cute.

And also correct.

Which gives us two hours
and 53 minutes of study time.

So, honey, please focus.
All righty?

I have confirmations
from the African-American Club,

the Gay and Lesbian Caucus,
MECCA, HEPA, PETA.

This multi-coalition party
was a masterful plan.

It should triple our income.
I just hope it's enough.

Van, you must listen to me.

We are merely one party away
from accomplishing our goal.

What if she's right, huh?

What if I'm avoiding graduation
because I'm scared?

Listen to yourself, meathead.

You've never doubted yourself
in your whole life.

This girl's got you fiending, man.
It's not good.

- Not good at all.
- Hey, you.

Please move banner a skosh higher, huh?

H9)'-

You got all this. I'm gonna go, uh...

I'm gonna go make some calls
for the party, okay?

- Hi, Van.
- Hi, Donna.

- Hey, Van.
- Ooh, hey, guys.

What are you doing in here?

I had to talk to you.

I thought a lot about what
you said, and, uh...

Well, just... just...

Just take a look at this.

Yeah. Doodles.

I attended class today.
Just about stayed the whole time, too.

I'm glad you went to all your classes
today.

And a few that weren't mine.
Stepped into the wrong one.

Liked what I heard, stayed.

That's great. It really is, Van.

It really is. But don't do it for me.

Do it for you.

Maybe I'm doing it for both of us.

I shouldn't even be talking
to you like this.

And I shouldn't be
in the women's locker room!

But sometimes you gotta let
your heart lead you,

even if you know it's someplace
you know you're not supposed to be.

How often does your heart lead you
into the women's locker room?

This would be a first.

Why do I find that hard to believe?

I'm not saying that I've never been
in here before.

I'm saying it's usually a different part
of my anatomy that does the leading.

Oh, my God.

I just couldn't believe it, Richard.

Gwen and Van in the women's locker room,
staring at each other.

I mean, I just couldn't believe it.

So anyway,
let me tell you something.

I'm sorry, fellas. The bakery's closed.

- I'm here to enlist your services.
- Let me guess.

"Come as your favorite drunk-on-jis,
come-gargling frat boy party"?

Then your mom can come.

It's gonna be a bachelor party.

One last night of debauchery
with the fellas

before settling down
with my fiancee, Gwen.

Oh, please, you didn't think
she'd be interested

in a fuckup like you, did you?

Oh, Van, Van, Van, Van,
Van, Van, Van, Van, Van.

That ought to be enough
to get you started.

- Hello?
- Gwen?

Casey. I'm just using Gwen's computer.

Is Gwen there?
I really need to talk to her.

She's at Richard's,

getting ready for the engagement dinner
tonight. Message?

Nope. That's all right.

Bye. Thanks for coming.

Lindsey and Rob make
such a great couple, don't you think?

- Yeah, I'm happy for them.
- Yeah.

They're gonna make a great married
couple, too. You know why?

Because they love each other?

Because they're compatible.

It's like a heart transplant patient
finding a donor with the same blood type

and just the right
chromosomal anomalies.

A perfect match, connected forever.

Yeah, but that would mean one of them
would have to be dead.

Gwenny, I'm just saying
that they're a match.

Just like you and me.

Lucky girl.

Gwendolyn Elizabeth Pearson,

I'd be honored if you and I

surgically and spiritually grafted
our lives together.

Richard, I don't know what to say.

Just say yes, because I've got even more
amazing news.

Northwestern called this morning.
They wanna interview me.

They're gonna send
some recruitment alums to campus

for written and oral exams.
And then I am in!

Whoo!

Oh, man, Northwestern.

That's great. I'm so
happy for you, Richard.

Gwenny, be happy for both of us.

The Richard and Gwen life plan
is kicking in.

Northwestern. I am the shit.

Oh, and your father wants to get us

a place over in Forest Grove
as an engagement present.

- My parents know about this?
- Yeah, I told everyone.

Where are you going?

I'm not sure, and for some reason,

I feel really good about that.

Hey, Van, can I borrow--

My God, what happened to you?

I got hit by a big truck.

Are you okay?

Dope song. What's it called?

"Gwen Used Me For Her Story,
Then Married an Ass Wipe

and Ran Over My Heart
With a Big Metaphorical Truck."

Originally performed by Air Supply.

Who's Air Supply?

How old are you, Sally?

I'm old enough to be jealous
of that Gwen girl.

Okay, you can do this.

You must be Gwen, the truck driver.

Gwen. Hey. Excuse me. Gwen!

Hey, hold up a second.
What are you doing here?

What am I doing here?
What were you doing in there?

As smashed as I am, I'm pretty sure
that's my room, wasn't it?

What was that girl, a freshman?

She reads ate sophomore level.

No, this was a big mistake, Van.
I'm leaving.

I'm so-- why are you here? Did you come
to hire me to do your bachelorette party?

'Cause your party pimp has already
been booked by your fiance.

My fiancé? What are you talking about?

When are you two tying the knot anyway?

Because seriously, Gwen, I'd really like
to hold that date open.

That is none of your business.

And you know what?

You're none of mine.

Sounds to me like your rectal itch

was getting a little
late-night booty scratch.

First, my bitch
turns down my proposal.

Then she runs straight
into that loser's arms.

Now I don't even know where my bitch is.

Wilder's got some big blowout
planned for tonight.

Maybe your bitch
is gonna be there.

You do not call her that, gonad!

Hey, guys. Just giving you all the 411.

I'm a counselor for the Further Leaders
of America's overnighter.

But the bus doesn't leave for a few hours.

Is there anything I can do
for you before I go?

Anything at all?

Okay, listen up. We've got one quick
stop-off before we go.

Tit wad!

All right, thank you, man.
Enjoy yourself.

All right, sister. Enjoy yourself.
Power to the people.

How you doing, my man?

- What's up?
- All right.

I hate to break this to you, uh, Ming,
but you ain't Asian.

Man, you ever heard
of Tiger Woods, bitch?

Boy, you better get out of here before I
hit you upside the head with a three iron.

What's wrong with you?
Enjoy yourself.

What's wrong, dawg?

Nothing. I just don't feel
much like partying tonight.

That's a first.

Hey, Van. I just wanted to come by
and extend an olive branch.

ID, please.

Well, it's a terrible picture of me,
but...

Well, I'll be the judge of... oh!

There's nothing fake about this ID.

Did you sit behind me
two semesters ago?

I think I remember this behind.
I mean, you sitting behind me.

This whole rivalry thing
has become a tad childish.

Well, I hope we can put it all
behind us and be friends.

That's what Gwen wants.

You have absolutely no idea
what Gwen wants.

Say hi to your gerbil for me.

Okay, kids.

This is our Uncle Jéger.

That's right. Drink up.

This tastes like shit.
Do you have any scotch?

Gotta go. Sorry. Bye.

Bye-bye. Call me.

Gentlemen.

Trevor.

We got an anonymous tip that there's
some underage drinking going on here.

Hutch?

Hell, no, man. I've been
at the door all night.

Good enough for me. Have fun, guys.

All right, Trevor. Stay cool.

I love you, man.

No, man.

I love you.

Those circus midgets
cannot hold their booze!

Don't worry, Van.
We'll get you out, man.

Delta Iota Kappa rules!

Damn it, Gwen, pick it up.
I know you're there.

You know I have my Northwestern
interview next week.

Look, I need you to help me
"release" some pressure.

You know, help me "relax."

Just so we're clear, Gwen, I'm talking
about intercourse.

Look, I know you had
a fling with Wilder.

And it's okay. You just had to get it out
of your system.

I just hope you
used some protection.

And I wouldn't want our future children
to be tainted

because Mommy went slumming
one night back in college.

Ugh.

Why don't you go "release"
your own pressure?

Oh, and just so we're clear,

I'm telling you to go fuck yourself!

Hi, partner in crime. ls there anything
I can do for you today?

Oh, my God!
We make such the fab team!

Last night, I was so like Bonnie,
and you were so like Clyde, and now this?

Would you shut up?
I'm trying to pleasure you.

Sorry, Richard. Pleasure away.

P.S., this is an awesome room.

P.S., shut the fuck up!

Here, I'm done with all of this.

The Wilder story's not done.

Why don't you read it
before you criticize?

He got expelled today. ls that
in your story? 'Cause it should be.

Is Van here?

He don't wanna see you.

- Excuse me?
- Look.

Why don't you just leave him alone?

Home wrecker.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Out of my way!

Stop packing!
You can appeal the expulsion.

It's right here in the school's charter.

"Any student has the right
to appeal an expulsion

before the universityjudicial board

and state his or her case within 48 hours
of being discharged."

Do you want my hot tub,
or should I just give it to Milty?

We can get
the law club to help us out.

They owe you after the "Sue Me, Screw Me"
soiree you threw for them.

Thank you. I appreciate it.
I'm really not interested.

You're not hearing me...

It's over, Taj!

Fuck you, Van Wilder!

You heard me. I say... I say...

Fuck you, you, YOU. you"-

You, you...

You pussy ass motherfucker!

You... You dicksucker!

Don't sugarcoat it, Taj.
Tell me how you really feel.

Seven years.

Seven years!
I've accomplished nothing!

There's no reason
to stay here anymore!

Sure, sure.
You've made tons of friends

who in the drop of a rupee
would do anything for you,

but that doesn't mean much, huh?

And who cares about Sick Boy
and all the charities you've helped

and all of our athletics, huh?
Those are all so minuscule.

And "I guess so" is a promise

made to a wet-behind-the-ears
kid from India

whose only dream was to bury his face
in a beautiful woman's lotus patch.

Tali»-...

You have shown me a life I could only
dream about back home

while masturbating
in my father's woodshed.

Most importantly,

you saw potential...

in me.

If you do not see potential in yourself,
then you are a blind man.

I'm leaving.

Then leave. But leave
the honorable way.

You've been looking for that
dare-to-be-great situation.

It is at your doorstep.

Van.

We need to talk.

Get me the law club.

It's ridiculous! It's preposterous!

It's ludicrous!
By God, it's impetuous!

So does that mean you gonna help us?

Oh, it's on.

Let Van stay! Let Van stay!

Let Van stay! Let Van stay!

We are now in session.
Mr. Wilder.

You were found in violation of Article 2,
Section B of Coolidge's bylaws,

soliciting of alcohol to extreme minors

which is grounds for immediate expulsion.

You have opted to appeal.

The floor is yours.

Ladies and gentlemen.

As you know, um,

I've been a student here for seven years,
and I've...

Let Van stay! Let Van stay!
Let Van stay!

Order! Order! Settle down, everyone.

Continue, Mr. Wilder.

I'm Okay!

I've learned a lot here at Coolidge.

Let the record show that, uh,

when I attended class,

I did receive exemplary marks.

However, it was only when I met
a special someone

that I realized what I was doing.

Hiding.

See, after this is real life,
and I wasn't ready for that.

I don't know why exactly.

I do know that I don't wanna
end up like my father,

whose whole life
revolves around work.

But I see that now. And, uh...

I'm ready to move on.

Well, that's that. Good luck, loser.
Who's ready for lunch?

Mr. Bagg, you will be quiet.

What's any of this got to do with the fact
that he's guilty of an infraction

that deserves expulsion?

Mr. Wilder.

I can't argue against the infraction.

I was responsible for that party,
so what happened was my fault.

I'm here to lay myself at the mercy
of this court

and suggest an alternative punishment.

Make me graduate.

If you'll kindly take a look
at my transcripts,

you'll see I'm a mere 18 units
shy of graduating

with a degree in Leisure Studies.

I am pleading to this committee,
reinstate me.

Let me audit my last six classes,
take the necessary finals

and leave Coolidge with a degree.

God, I've...

bled crimson and blue
for nearly a decade.

This school has given me so much.

Let me repay Coolidge
by parting ways as a graduate.

What are the courses Mr. Wilder needs
in order to graduate?

Biology, English Lit, Calculus, Economics,

Sociology and Political Science.

Wow. That's quite a load.

Well, Van can handle quite a load.

If we expel him, there could be some
sort of a coup d'état.

He broke a rule. He should pay
the consequences.

Well, let's take a vote. There's five
of us here. Majority rules.

I vote reinstatement.

Mr. Bags?

Expulsion.

Miss Haver?

Reinstatement over and over.

Okay. Uh, Mrs. Seay?

Expulsion.

Professor McDoogle?

You know, I've waited a long, long time
for this day to come.

Either way,

Van Wilder's tenure
here at Coolidge is over.

Let's see what the kid's made of.

He's in! He's in!

Hey, Jeannie.

Look. I just wanted to explain about the
whole, you know, Richard thing.

See, me and Richard's unspoken bond
blossomed the other night

in one beautiful, symbiotic act.

What sort of act?

Messing up that Van Wilder party.

And then we bumped uglies.

It was the best 10 seconds ever.

Even

Yes, these interviews
are somewhat of a formality,

but I think it's crucial we like-minded
people get to know one another.

Gwenny! Gwenny!

Ah, I knew you'd come to your senses.

Hello, Richard.

All right, look. I know we have
a lot of surgery

to perform
on our relationship. Okay?

But right now I am prepping
for the biggest moment of our lives.

All right? I have a written exam first,

and then an interview with five
Northwestern alums.

All doctors.

That's why I came,
to help make you your shake.

That'd be terrific, Gwenny.

I'll see you downstairs.

Oh, but hurry. lnterview's in a half hour,
other side of campus.

Sorry about that.

- Northwestern. I am the shit.
- You certainly will be.

Oh, Gwenny, thank you.

Mmm. Mmm.

Good luck, honey. You deserve it.

Yeah.

Mmm.

I certainly do.

Oh...

Oh!

Cytosine.

Nothing but net, my man.

Now remember, before any final,
take a pre-game dump.

Thanks for coming in.
You did a great job, really.

Richard! I was just talking about you.

Hey, surprise.
I'm on your oral exam board.

Look, come in here. I want you to meet
your future alumni.

- I gotta go...
- No, come on. It's a great time.

Look, it's Richard.

Finished his written exam
in only 20 minutes.

This kid is a dynamo.

Richard, I want you to meet Dr. Stern.

Dr. Fine.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Bagg.
I've heard a lot about you.

Dr. Brown.

These orals are something of a formality.

We just want to get
to know you better.

And Dr. Smelnick.

Richard, is there something
you want to say?

You look like you want
to get something out, son.

Oh, my God!

- Vile.
- Oh, it burns!

I'm bleeding!

Dear God, that's wretched.

"Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way

I doubted if I should ever come back."

I want you to tell me what Robert Frost
was trying to express here.

I'm gonna need at least one more booklet.

What?

In other school news, we have an update
on the "Wilder Watch."

The rigorous day has been
a success for Van the man.

Five finals in the can with Professor
McDoogle's advanced econ final to go.

Van? Van!

Van! Van, wake up, wake up, wake up.

- Your final's in exactly seven minutes!
- Okay. All right.

It's the moment of truth, people.

Ah, Mr. Wilder.

I'm so glad you could fit us
into your schedule this morning.

Wouldn't miss it for the world, sir.

All right.

Pass these out. Thank you.

It's getting to be that time of the hour.

And your time is up,
Mr. Wilder. Pencils down.

- Thank you.
- For four years,

I have been grooming myself
for the real world.

And I, like many of us,
define the real world

as the stuff that happens
after graduation.

But I was wrong.

It took a man by the name
of Van Wilder to teach me that.

You've all undoubtedly
been to one of Van's parties.

He's probably touched your life
in some way,

whether you know it or not.

Watch Van do belly flops into a pool,

but make sure you see
that he's raised $5,000

to give the swim team a next season.

As you're all aware,
Van was almost expelled.

What you probably don't know is
that he was set up

by a pathetic,
egomaniacal frat boy,

one who this reporter knows firsthand

to have a serious problem
with premature ejaculation.

And in reaction to this lynching,

Van put in more effort in six days
than most have all semester.

Win or lose,
we should thank him

for reminding us
what we're all capable of.

That's simply what he does...

He inspires the uninspired.

Van. Hurry. The night of fun
and fornication's upon us.

Hey, have you heard from Gwen?

No, she... She hasn't yet called back.

Right. I'll be down
in a minute, okay?

- Okay.
- See ya, V.

Wilder.

McDoogle.

Jesus.

This is some pad you got here.

Decorated in early fuck.

Well, I made it a point to personally
come down here, Wilder.

I wanted to give you the results
of your test firsthand.

And just as I expected,

you succeeded.

- 91%.
- What?

I'm proud of you, Wilder.

I've been waiting all these years
for you to realize your potential.

That's why you
and I had friction?

God, I always thought it was
'cause I fooled around

with your daughter freshman year.

Why? What...
You fooled around with my daughter?

What?

Hey, I know you.

- Thank you very much.
- You're the best, man.

Hey, I couldn't have did it without you.
Appreciate it.

I need youth fill up
the whole thing with ice.

Pack as much as you can inside.

- Okay? Excuse me. I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.

Hi. My name is
Orissa Punjab Nizamabad.

Hi.

I've just transferred
here from Banglapur.

Hey. Excuse me.

Can you tell me where I might find
the raddest fucking dude alive?

Yeah, by the pool, Gramps.

Hey, I know you, man. Oh, fuck.

Congratulations, Van.
I knew you had it in you.

Dad. I can't believe you're here.

I can't believe you graduated.

A friend of yours sent me this.

I'm proud of you, Van,
graduation or no graduation.

Thank you.

And I'm sorry that I spent such a buttload
of your money for so long.

It's by far the best
investment I ever made.

- You did good.
- Let's get this man lei'd.

Meet my new girl.

You look so...

Wow. Wow.

I was hoping you'd say that.

Thank you.

May I?

As long as we cuddle afterwards.

There's so much that I need
to say... The article...

I was scared that you wouldn't come.

Well, I was trying to decide
what panties I should wear.

Which ones did you choose?

None.

It's gonna be a bachelor party.

One last night of debauchery
with the fellas.

You can't even... Oh.

I mean, this girl is...

I was wondering...

I'll do it.

I'm getting my shit together.
Just one second.

I can't do this!

Ugh!

Oh, man. My mama never told me
I'd be doing this.

I want to chew the choch.

And then... I don't know how.

Kids, this is what white jockey
blowin' hookers will do to you.