Original subtitles

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Yep. Um, Obviously what we're doing in the moment is just...

No!

Sorting the ladies that the agency have sent me into yes and no piles.

These are the matches, they've come up with.

Um, quite a lot of choice, which is good.

Um, and I get three free introductions for the money I've already paid.

Um, I've already chosen one.

Actually, I'm taking her to lunch a little bit later today.

So, just got to choose two more.

And I just hook up with them, see how it goes.

What's the worst that could happen?

You could get one pregnant.

I'm not gonna get one pregnant, am I?

-Do you mind black ones? -No. All equal.

'Cause they've sent you three of them.

That is a lot, innit.

Uh, shall put them all on the Yes pile or just one to show you're not prejudiced?

Well, which one then?

That one's smiling.

Friendliest.

Look at that, 41.

Looks 30. Look at those!

-Yes pile? -Yeah, if she's got a good personality.

Mind you though, it says it's a recent photo,

how can you be sure though? That could've been taken when she was 30.

I think they should have to have their picture taken with a copy of today's newspaper.

-(KNOCK AT DOOR) -So...

-NEIL: All right? -Hiya.

-Everything okay? -DAVID: Yep.

-Busy? -DAVID: Yep.

Uh, Gareth, I'll be back at three.

I need to have a chat with you, okay?

GARETH: Okay.

Uh, see you at the Christmas party, David.

-DAVID: See you then. -You still need the two tickets, do you?

You still bringing a lady friend to the party?

-Yep. -NEIL: Good.

Look forward to meeting her.

No. Come on, we better...

No.

(WHISTLES FEEBLY)

Everybody, if I can have your attention, please.

Short announcement.

Okay.

Uh, for those of you who care or liked her,

Dawn Tinsley will be coming in this afternoon.

If you've never heard of her before, uh,

she was just a receptionist, worked here for some years.

Um, her and her fiance, Lee, went to Florida.

Yes, Tim, that's "fiance,"

if you know what that word means, um...

Um, maybe you want to keep your thoughts to yourself this time.

(CHUCKLES)

All right, back to it, then.

Please.

Hey. I know what it's like.

I've worked in a lot of places over the years.

And the number of infatuations blokes have had over me...

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Oh, God.

I mean, they know they can't have me, but that don't stop 'em.

Hmm.

I don't know what it is about me they like so much.

(SCOFFS) Yeah.

I'm racking my brains.

Hmm.

Thanks very much.

-This is nice, isn't it. -Yeah.

-See what's on offer. -(CHUCKLES)

Nice.

No! Your necklace! I wasn't...

Oh!

(BOTH GIGGLE)

I don't think so!

Although, funny enough, the reason women wear necklaces

is to draw attention to the breasts.

-I don't. -No, I mean subconsciously.

-It sort of... -No, I don't.

I wear it because my mother gave it to me before she died.

Yeah, well, I mean she probably wore it to draw attention to hers.

Sorry, could we not talk about my dead mother's breasts?

Yeah.

(SIGHS)

Uh... Duck pate.

-I wasn't being lewd. About... -I know.

-No, I'm just interested in... -Breasts. (CHUCKLES)

No. Anthropology.

That sort of thing. What signals we give off.

I'm not giving off any signals.

No, I know. We all are.

I saw a programme on the Discovery Channel.

Interesting, it was, uh...

You know the reason why men are attracted to cleavage?

It's because it reminds us of women's buttocks.

Because I suppose presumably, when we were cavemen,

we used to sort of do you from behind.

So we like the...

And then we evolved and probably to enjoy,

when language came in, to either chat

or just to look at the breasts that reminded us of the buttocks,

in the first place.

Can we not talk about breasts full stop?

Want a starter?

No, let's go straight to the main course.

DAWN: I'm actually nervous about seeing everyone again.

I mean, I am conscious that I'm gonna have to answer

the same question about 30 times.

'Cause you know, I'm the one that's been away for a couple of years.

And, um, and I just want to go in and go,

"Right, we're back. It's been lovely weather out there,

"and been doing lots of sunbathing, not going to be an illustrator

"and they haven't made me mayor yet." You know?

"So, where are you tonight? Let's get drunk."

Um... Oh, hang on, sorry. It's here on the left.

Left, thank you.

INTERVIEWER: Why are you not going to be an illustrator any more?

Um, just circumstance, really.

Um, and if someone, you know, said to me, uh,

"Bang, you can be overnight successful illustrator" that'd be great.

And... 'Cause it was my ambition, but it's not going to happen.

So, you know, because of priorities and time,

and... (MUMBLES) You know.

All of that really.

Um, thank you.

TIM: Yeah, I'm looking forward to seeing her again, of course.

She's my friend and she's a good friend, you know.

And, no, I don't know exactly how I'll feel.

I'll feel like a friend feels. Whatever that is, you know.

But as I said, I'm not gonna ask her again. Come on!

I might ask her again.

No, I won't. No, I won't.

I know I won't. I know I won't.

She would have to do the asking.

EMMA: Oh, my God! Hello!

Hi. (CHUCKLES)

How are you?

(ALL LAUGHING EXCITEDLY)

EMMA: You're looking well. DAWN: Thank you.

(KISSES)

Thanks.

-TRUDY: Hello, how're you doing? -Ooh!

No Lee?

Um, no, he's at his mum's.

-GLYNN: Hey. -Hey!

-GLYNN: You're looking very brown. -Oh, okay!

TRUDY: So, what have you been up to?

DAWN: Uh, not much actually.

RALPH: Enjoying life?

Trying to.

This is all the same.

-RALPH: Never changes. -(CHUCKLES)

Can I get you a cup of tea?

I would love one. Thank you. Lovely.

RALPH: It's really good to see you.

Oh, um, actually I think, Gareth might want to see you.

So, shall we go and see the new boss?

Nice to see you.

All right.

-Shall we do it? Are you ready for this? -Yes.

He's the boss!

Argh!

Dawn Tinsley, as I live and breathe.

(CHUCKLES)

-Don't bloody believe this. -Oh!

-Hi. -Come here.

-Oh. -(GRUNTS)

How are you, babes?

(STAMMERING) Fine, darling.

What you doing in America? Let's sit down.

Uh, what did you mean, sorry?

What you doing in America, work-wise?

Oh, okay. Well, it's complicated.

'Cause you have to have a work permit.

Sure, sure.

Just gonna say, if you are struggling, you're always welcome back here.

Things have changed a little bit around here, he'll tell you.

I'm quite a powerful man.

If you did come back, you wouldn't necessary be working behind reception.

I always did think you were a hard worker,

if a little bit... But...

You still trying to be an artist?

-No. -Good.

Good. Waste of time, practically thinking.

Moving on, that's good. Because you're no spring chicken.

-Um... -No.

(DIALLING)

(PHONE RINGS)

-WOMAN: Hello? -Is that, Gillian?

Yeah. Who's this?

Um, you're one of my introductions from the agency.

-Oh, yeah, yeah, hi. -Hi.

-You all right? -Yeah.

Um, how do you usually do these things?

Um, well, depends really. Just have a chat on the phone,

sometimes meet up.

Uh, you know, you wear a carnation, carry a newspaper.

-(CHUCKLES ) So... -Oh!

To help recognise me!

You probably won't need that. You probably will recognise me.

-Will I? Why is that? -Yeah.

Did you see, um, a documentary on BBC Two called The Office?

Yeah. God, you're not that awful boss are you?

No, not the... No.

-What's your name? -Huh?

What's your... What's your name?

What's my name or what's his name?

I don't know why you want his name... (GIGGLES)

Can I... Oh, no. Just... Can I...

Can I call you back, Gillian?

I've got a... Uh, see you.

-(SWITCHES OFF PHONE) -Oh.

(STAMMERING)

Oh, "Who are you? What's your name?"

Too many questions.

God, chill out. GBH the ears! No, no, no.

Not for me, thank you.

Back to the drawing board.

We're having the toilets done in January.

Did he tell you?

Tim, you didn't tell me about the toilets!

Sorry, I had other things on my mind.

-Like, Gareth, are you still in the TAs? -Yeah.

-What rank are you? -Lieutenant.

Are you? Because I was thinking,

if you ever take an enemy soldier prisoner, right,

would you have to search him?

Yeah, it's possible, yeah.

TIM: Right, so let's just say, you've got a prisoner

you're doing a full body search,

you find something hard, you can feel it.

You know what it is, do you just say to him,

"I know you've got a big weapon, give it to me now."

-Or... -(CHUCKLES)

I not gonna ask him.

I'd most likely just get it out myself.

TIM: Right.

And what happens,

you're going into battle situation, right,

are you up the front with your men,

or are you coming up the rear?

Well, depends.

It's possible you'd come up the rear.

Possible, yeah.

That's all we wanted to know.

GARETH: What?

Well, yeah, it's like actual sort of... He's got those clunky shoes thing on

and with the silver... No, with the silver link buckle across.

-(LAUGHING) That's a progress. -He's like that.

He still looks like a golf club.

Dawn. Ann, yeah?

Oh, hi. It's nice to meet you.

(GROANS)

Oh, must tell you this. He had a laugh the other day. Well, the other week.

You know Paul Wallis?

From Harpers?

No, no, no. Not any more, he's up at Silver Leaf now.

Anyway, he's talking to Mel on reception, and he's chatting away,

and I'm listening to him and he's talking to her about 10 minutes or so, isn't he?

And then he says, "Dawn, have you changed your hair?"

He thought she was you. He didn't realise you'd left.

I laughed! I shouted out,

I said, "Paul, do you think that's Dawn?"

He thought it was you.

(LAUGHS)

-Extraordinary. -ANN: Hmm.

How's your husband? Is he here?

Oh, no. He's not my husband yet. So...

You gonna have children?

Not that I'm aware of.

-Word of advice. -Hmm.

Have them sooner, rather than later,

'cause there's nothing worse than an old mum.

I'm gonna shoot off.

-Do you want another cup, or... -No, I'm fine. Thank you.

Really good to see you. Thanks for coming in.

Well...

-Dawn... -How you doing?

You coming to the Christmas party?

Uh, yes. Although we've got to leave early 'cause got to get back the next day.

-Have you? -Hmm.

We'll have a good old chat then.

Okay, see you, everybody.

-See you. -Really nice...

Well, I'll see you soon.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Hmm.

-What's that? -A sketch of me.

Dawn's a bit of an artist.

That's not very accurate. Your nose is much bigger than that.

Yeah, spoke to her on the phone. She seemed quite nice, so, uh...

Feel a bit sick really, not nerves.

Excitement, really. Not sexual, you know.

Um, she says she'll be wearing a white chiffon scarf to help me spot her.

So, um...

Oh, for fuck's sake.

-David? -Huh?

Yep. Hiya.

-Susan. -Yeah, yeah.

-Can I get you a drink? -No, I'll get one. Have you got one?

-I've got one. -You go and sit down. I'll get one.

You know...

(INDISTINCT)

It said on your form you like classical music.

-Yeah, yeah. You? -Yes.

-Who do you like? -All the big ones. All the big names.

-I love Grieg. -Oh, he's good, yeah.

Not as good as Beethoven, though.

I think he's generally considered to the best by ever.

-Which Beethoven do you like? -All his main hits.

All the big ones, yeah. Yeah.

Totally deaf.

Isn't he?

Well, I'm a musician myself.

All those stuff he came up with.

I don't think he could have done better if he'd heard what he was playing.

In my opinion.

(SMACKS LIPS)

Oh, what else is, um...

What else do you like? Don't have to just talk about classical music.

Talk about anything. I'll talk.

So, uh, what I'm famous for, we can talk about anything.

Any subject. You name a subject and I'll...

You name... You name something

and I'll tell you an interesting fact about it. Sort of trivia, somewhat.

-What sort of thing? -Anything.

You can get this, huh?

-Cows. -Cows. Cows have got four stomachs.

Right.

Don't look at me like that. You said cows. Choose anything.

I said, choose anything.

-Lemons. -Lemons?

-Well, I can choose something else. -No, you said lemons.

Wait, on that, let's do, uh...

Pound for pound, there's more sugar in a lemon than a strawberry.

I wouldn't know if that was true, you know.

Well, you would, 'cause I just told you it is, and I'm not a liar.

No, no. Look it up when you get home.

Is that your party trick?

No, a trick isn't knowledge. Education. You know?

INTERVIEWER: So how do you feel about it, then?

Um, well, not bowled over, to be honest.

In fact, I'm seriously thinking of asking for money back

under the trades descriptions act.

Because, this is the recent photo she sent in.

I'd have been up for that.

And what really annoys me is when I first saw her, I thought, "Oh God."

And then I thought, "Well, you know,

"maybe she's got a good personality." She hasn't.

Do you know what I mean? I thought she was one of them

sort of happy, bubbly ones, 'cause we were eating.

She's bleurgh! Nothing.

Do you know what I mean...

-Not talking about me, are you? -No!

You couldn't hear that anyway, could you? No.

Right.

So...

Would you want to do this again?

-With you? -Yes.

Wouldn't have thought so. Or am I...

-Shall we just... -Yeah. See you later. Cheers.

INTERVIEWER: What did you think of him?

Well, he wasn't quite what I expected.

Can I show you the photo he sent in?

Here you go, Alex.

Don't tell anyone. Keep it under your hat.

Oh, right okay.

-Secret Santa. -Uh, Secret Santa. Jane, do you want to take one?

Tell them about the Secret Santa.

All right, okay, um... This is Secret Santa,

basically everybody gets a piece of paper, writes their name on it,

puts it in the box,

and we jiggle it around, and then somebody

takes a piece of paper out with a name on it.

And they have to buy that person a present worth about £10.

But you keep a secret.

You're not allowed to know who bought you the gift.

Yeah, I said that.

Let's have a go.

No way. I'm not getting him one.

Is that me?

-I can't say. -Is it me, though?

You want to swap?

Yes, please.

-Is it me, Glynn? -I can't say.

If it's me don't get me some stupid novelty gift.

All right? Just get a voucher or £10 in an envelope,

I'll get something I really want.

Put a tenner in the envelope, if that's me.

Ah, the spirit of Christmas, a tenner in an envelope.

(CHUCKLES)

(PHONE RINGING)

(KEITH SIGHS)

(YAWNING)

So what are you doing? Just thinking about Dawn?

(CHUCKLES)

No, I'm not thinking about Dawn, actually. Just...

-I'm not thinking about Dawn, okay, Keith? -Okay, Okay.

It's just that I hope you don't embarrass yourself again with her.

Well, I'm not planning to, Keith. All right?

I mean that would be the third time you've asked her out around the woman's said no.

Okay, well I don't... I'm not gonna do anything like that...

That, as far as I'm concerned, is ancient history.

All right. All right.

Who's gonna be there?

Yeah, sweet.

Yeah, that'll be good.

Yeah. All right, whereabouts?

(SCOFFS) I love shopping for presents.

I love Christmas, I love birthdays.

I... Do you know...

I get more excited watching people open their presents than they do.

INTERVIEWER: You don't seem to have bought much, Lee.

Nah, I don't buy into them. It's a con, isn't it?

I usually say to her is,

work out what she's spent on me and take it out of my wallet.

Thinking of wrapping it this year.

What?

(KEITH SIGHS)

Word of warning, though.

If you are planning to try and nail Dawn

for a third time while she's back, then,

you heard what she said.

She's going back the day after the party, so,

you've not got long if you want to try and...

Yes, thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah, that's quite...

What do I owe you for this session?

Obviously, you're an expert with the ladies.

(SIGHS)

-Yeah? -Yeah.

So, why is that? What is your secret? I've been meaning to ask.

-Well, men get turned on by what they see. -Uh-huh.

-But, women get turned on by what they hear. -Right.

I always make sure the woman hears the right thing.

Yeah? So, what do you do when you're wooing?

-You sing to them, or... -No.

I very tenderly explain to them

that I will guarantee them at least one orgasm.

(MUNCHING)

(ALL COOING)

-INTERVIEWER: What's his name? -Nelson.

Where's his eye patch?

No, not after Horatio Nelson after Nelson Mandela, the great leader,

who they locked up just 'cause he was black.

Well, no they locked him for sabotage and conspiracy to overthrow the government.

Ooh, racist.

No, no, no, it's not racist.

He was commander in chief of the militia wing of the ANC.

Yeah, we don't talk about that. then.

And they actually advocated guerrilla attacks on the public property.

Is someone gonna shut him up?

You gonna... I thought... Can't believe...

He's a great man, Mandela.

So, great man, great dog. That's all we're talking...

So, good company as well.

Um, my work takes me down the country. So, good to come back to...

That's why I try not to be away for more than one or two nights at the most.

It's not fair leaving him locked up for too long.

-Unlike the real Nelson. -(CHUCKLES)

Oh, what? Come off it.

-NEIL: David... -Why is that funny?

-Hi. -Hi, can I have a word, please?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Alone.

He can't understand you.

-No, I meant... People. -Oh, the people, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on, Nelson.

What's your reason for being here, David?

Oh, I don't know. Is friendship a reason?

No, not really, and I've just seen you spend 10 minutes

introducing people to your dog.

Oh, all right, so he's not allowed to come in and chat to people now?

Well, I don't know what he's chatting about...

Sarcasm. Lowest form of wit.

-I don't know what he's chatting about... -And again.

If he is here to crack jokes then he should be doing it in his own time.

This is a place of business. It's not a social club.

Typical, yeah, yeah.

You don't like it because I'm popular. I was snatched away from it.

You don't like me coming back 'cause it reminds them...

No, I don't like the fact that you're interrupting a working day.

And it's not just today. You seem to be here all the time.

When you were working here, would you allow people just to breeze in?

-Yeah. -Making chitchat?

-Distracting people from their work? -Yes.

-What do you mean "yes"? -Yes, if it was good for morale.

And it is good for morale.

So, you should paying me to be here.

Paying you? David, you don't work here. You have no reason to be here.

Unless you've a genuine reason to be here during working hours,

you can't keep strolling in unannounced.

-Right. -Whenever you like.

So I'm banned, 'cause the regime don't like it, man.

You don't work here, David.

You can't keep coming in for a natter.

Oh, can I come in for a meeting then?

Well, I don't know what sort of meetings you'd have here.

Who knows? If I had an excuse for a meeting, could I come for meeting?

-Well, yes, of course if it was a business... -Fine.

-Okay. -What?

-Fine. -I mean you can't keep popping in unannounced.

-Come on, Nelson. He doesn't like you. -David...

Oh, let's see how they take...

Oh, political news, everyone.

Very interesting development.

I've been barred from coming here to see you, friends,

by the powers that be that deem it I undermine the regime.

'Caused they are scared.

So, can't stop me seeing you after work, though.

Who wants to go for a drink tomorrow? To show...

Yeah?

Anyone?

Short notice. What about day after that?

Have a beer, just...

Thursday's good. For me, anyway.

What's good for you?

I can still come for meetings.

'Course, uh... Who wants a meeting?

No one wants a meeting with you, no one wants a drink with you.

You don't even work here.

Yeah, I'll have a drink with you tomorrow, David.

-Yeah. -Give us a call, after work, yeah?

All right.

-Oh, there he is. -David...

Let's get you home, boy, before he bars you from the office.

He is barred.

Ooh, taking it out on animals.

There's your evidence.

Fight it. Don't...

Come on, boy.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

DAVID: I don't want to do these any more.

-PETE: Oh, don't be silly. -I'm not being silly, Pete.

It's just demeaning. It's a load of idiots.

-They loved you. -They didn't love me, they didn't care.

If they love me, why were they throwing stuff?

Throwing water, plastic bottles, underpants.

One bloke threw a pair of Y-fronts, hit me in the face,

yeah, and I knew it was Nutella or Marmite he'd smudged on the gusset.

But it was still him going, "That's what we think of you mate. You're shit."

Where'd he get marmite from?

He must have prepared that at home 'cause he knew you were on.

Well, that doesn't make me feel any better. Why say that?

I'm not gonna do this any more.

PETE: Look, let me tell you.

I've heard this before.

All right, I remember hearing this exact same thing before from Bruno Brookes.

I remember he used to come off stage in tears, sometimes. I'll tell why?

'Cause you're perfectionists.

Yes. I am.

Because I've got stuff to say to the world.

Not just wave. It's just waving!

Why is it waiving?

Shall I say you want to do less waving?

Not, the point.

They're not my audience.

Get me some of the... You know, I'm an anecdotalist.

Get me on...

-I tell you who I'd hit it off with. -Who?

Parkinson.

Um, yeah, that could be tricky. The...

The trouble with that, is that Parky tends to have people on his show

that have actually done something, you know.

-People who have won an Oscar... -Not always.

Not always, I saw one with that...

Who was that bloke who was a hostage in Beirut, chained to a radiator?

-Uh, John McCarthy. -Yeah, what's that?

"Oh, so what did you do all day?"

"Nothing. I was chained to a radiator."

Boring. Next.

And what's he done since? Nothing.

I've got anecdotes. I've got stuff to say,

if people would listen, but they won't.

Well, I'll see what I can do.

But, in the meantime, you're down at Malibu's in Bracknell, Wednesday week.

(SIGHS)

Call, definitely call Parky. Do you know anyone?

-Do you know anyone? -Yeah, I'll sort it out, don't worry.

I know a bloke,

um, used to work on the show, I think, in the '70s.

Um, he's retired now, but he's...

He still knows Parky, I think.

DAVID: When I'm on the road and I'm staying away,

it's good to get back to your room after one of those and just...

You know, this is fairly typical for me.

You know, I like to... It just helps me relax.

Some people like a hot bath.

That's my Radox. (CHUCKLES)

Uh...

But, you know...

Neil will make one too many mistakes.

Head office will see what I always knew,

and they'll go in there, they'll march in there,

and they'll go, "Yeah, Dave was right,

"you've pissed off here, you've pissed off him,

"you're not the manager you think you are.

"Okay?

"So, get out. We made the mistake."

And they'll drag him out by his hair.

And that's when the begging starts.

And then they'll come to me.

And they'll go, "Oh, David, we've got rid of him,

"You were right all along, could you come back?

"You're the man for this job.

"You're the best man for this job. Will you come back?

"Oh, yeah, sure. How much money have you got? 'Cause this is gonna cost ya.

"This is gonna cost ya."

(SNORING)

Yeah, I make that 93.

Is it? (CLEARS THROAT)

"Something you find this week gets the juices flowing."

# I'm coming up so you better get a party started

Shamon!

# I'm coming up, I'm coming #

Hope not! (CHUCKLES)

I'm in the Pink!

(LAUGHS)

-I'm in the Pink. Do you want to see it? -Yeah, I get it.

Yeah, Pink. She's good. She's wicked.

-Oh... -Coming to the party?

Big time. What time's the meal beforehand?

I think I'd better line my stomach.

I need to speak to you about that.

Management have had a discussion.

Operated on this above my head.

But, uh, decided only present employees of the company can come to the meal.

So...

Yeah, I'm not worried about that. I don't want to come to the meal.

-I'm just... -Good.

'Cause you won't be allowed if you did turn up, so...

I don't want to. Listen to me.

Who's idea was that? Neil's?

-Might have been Neil's, yeah. -Oh, there's a surprise.

No one else is invited who doesn't work here?

Dawn's not invited to the meal or anything?

-No. -Fine.

I know what he's doing. I know what he's up to.

-I could probably have a word with Neil, if you want me to. -(SCOFFS)

Nothing you can do. You're just a puppet.

I take it I can still bring a woman to this party?

Yeah, if you can find one.

What do you mean, "If I find one"?

-I've found one. -Have you? Which one?

What do you mean, "Which one?"

Off the list. Which one of the list.

She might not be on the list. I might have met her in the pub.

-Did you? -No.

She's on the list, but don't assume, that's all.

-Never assume. It makes an ass... -BOTH: ...out of you and me.

-I say that. -Yeah, I know you do, yeah.

Nick my catchphrases don't you? Like that one. And others.

What time's the meal finish?

9:00, 9:30.

9:30... What am I gonna do for three hours?

-See you later. -See you later.

See ya.

(SIGHS)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

-Gents. -Thank you. Good man.

Shall we shoot off to a club and come back when this place livens up?

Jesus Christ! That's not what I used to do in my day.

-Isn't it? -Ah, but question is,

what makes us two look like a pair of bollocks?

-The prick in the middle. -(LAUGHS)

That's more like it. Keep them coming, I might stick around.

-There he is. -All right, gents. Finchy, Glynn.

-David. Merry Christmas. -Merry Christmas to you.

So, David, where's your hot date?

-On her way, so don't... -Yeah?

So don't think...

Fashionably late. Not even late, actually.

Told her to come down about half nine, 10:00.

-It's nearly 10:00 now. -Nearly 10:00 isn't 10:00, is it?

Nearly 10:00, isn't 10:00. God help you.

Don't run this place like that. Fascist. Chill out! (LAUGHS)

-I'm just looking forward to meeting her. -We all are. We all are.

Let's not... Bloody hell.

-All right, mate. -Lee, nice to see you.

Yeah, good. Yeah.

-Looking very well. -Cheers.

-Hello. -Hi.

-Doing all right? -Yeah.

Ah. Look at this, the American couple.

(CHUCKLES)

Looking brown and white, with the teeth.

(DAWN LAUGHS)

-Good. -Yeah. It's good to be back.

-You look very well. -Cheers.

Happy Christmas.

-Uh... Secret Santa? -Trudy. Thataway.

Sorry, have you met...

We're gonna take our coats off, come back.

Yeah. Okay.

Ah.

I don't know what to expect, to be honest.

I haven't been impressed so far.

Um, I hope they're vetting them,

because the computer seems to be throwing up any old rubbish.

It's like, I don't know...

They haven't put me in the right category or something, because, you know what...

Oh, I don't believe it. Look at this.

-Hello. -Hiya.

-All right? -Yeah.

-Is Monkey in there? -Oh, yeah.

Yeah. (SIGHS CONTENTEDLY)

-You all right? -Yeah, I know.

I'm expecting a blind date and I was worried you were it!

No. Yeah. He's up there, yeah, sorry.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

I was gonna say, do you, um...

Do you hire a car in the States?

-Yeah. -That's how you get around?

-Yeah. -Cool, cool.

(TIM SIGHS)

Hey, Lee, have a word with this one about not doing the old illustrating any more.

-I heard she's not drawing or... -No.

Really?

I would've thought you were in the perfect spot.

Lovely picturesque for that whole watercolours...

No, we agreed, you know, making a living's got to come first.

Well, she can do it in the evening, though.

Yeah, but to make money out of it, you know, you got to be good.

Right.

(CAR PULLS UP)

(INDISTINCT)

-I brought you the long way round. That's Chris. -Hi.

-Neil. This is Carol, my date... -Hi.

-Hi, Carol. -Hi.

...for this evening. So...

Yeah. Yeah.

Let's get you some alcohol, shall we? What do you fancy?

-We got wine, we got beer. -Oh, no. I'm watching the figure.

-Oh, let me do that! -(CHUCKLES) Vodka.

-Yeah, vodka's fine. -Pint of vodka.

-Pint? -Joking.

-Oh! -(GIGGLING)

Thought they'd sent me an alky, then!

Right, good. (MUMBLING)

Did you see the documentary when it went out?

-No, no. No, no, I didn't. I know you were in it, though. -Just a bit!

Just a bit, yeah.

-Was that weird? -"Weird" isn't the word

-I used when I saw it go out. "Stitch-up" was, to be honest. -Why?

Well, I don't know if you understand television,

but it was the way it conveniently left out all the good bits I did every day

-and put in the embarrassing bits. -Like what?

-Well, like, the time I head-butted someone. -You head-butted someone?

-Yeah, yeah, but she was... -She?

Yeah, but it was manipulated. That's what I'm saying. They're crafty as well,

because, um... Example,

once the guys found out I sing and play...

-Do you? -Yeah, big time.

-You good? -Yeah. Just a bit.

-They always get me, "Come on, give us a song." -Yeah.

And I was doing an impromptu gig one afternoon,

and they're filming it, and I did a beautiful version of No Woman, No Cry.

-Really? -By the late, great genius Bob Marley.

-Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. -Good.

And all I say is this...

Um, Oliver, who is the office black guy, thought it was brilliant.

-So... -Did he?

Yeah. He should know. So I take his word.

They didn't put that bit in?

No. No. And it's...

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Jeff Lamp, you're barred. Get out.

I'm joking. Gareth.

-Did you drive down? -No, I came in a cab.

-Great. -Yeah, we took a taxi.

What were you saying... (INAUDIBLE)

Monkey Alan!

(IMITATING MONKEY GIBBERING)

-That sounds good. -It is. Yeah.

-I like that. -What about you?

-I'm repping at the moment... -Right.

...in the day. I'm getting into entertainment, though.

-Are you? -It's very difficult, though.

-I bet it is. -Yeah.

Seems to be a series of shitty little PAs is the moment,

-due to the fact that my agent... Agent! -(CHUCKLES)

Does not know his ass from his elbow. Excuse my French, but...

You know, I go out, wave for 10 minutes. Embarrassing.

They're all half me age, and I know they're taking the mick.

Not really. You know, you are getting paid.

You never see them again, what do you care? Yeah.

Take the money and run! Spend it on something you do want to do.

Yeah.

Drives me mad. I mean, to spoil a child it is a kind of child abuse.

And, you know, you've got a responsibility as a parent.

(BELCHES)

You can't do that to your children.

You cannot do that to your children.

I'll tell you what though, you're not gonna... (INDISTINCT)

-Hello, mate. -You all right, Geezer.

They let you back in the country then. (LAUGHS)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Excuse me! Do you mind not smoking near me?

-Sorry? -Do you mind not smoking near me?

Hello! I am pregnant.

Yeah, and this is a party. (LAUGHS)

I don't really care about the party,

I care about my unborn child.

Then maybe you should fuck off home, then, if you're pregnant, you dozy cow!

(ALL LAUGHING)

What did you say?

You think we care as much about your baby as you do?

Just 'cause you let some useless tosser blow his beans up your muff.

Well done! (LAUGHS)

Merry fucking Christmas!

(HOLIDAY MUSIC PLAYING)

Beans.

"Oh, I don't even know what this means!"

Muff was the bit for me!

-Beans and muff! -(DAWN LAUGHS)

# A red-nosed reindeer

# Does a ton up on his sleigh?

# Do the fairies keep him sober for a day?

# So here it is, Merry Christmas

# Everybody's having fun

# Look to the future now

# It's only just begun #

-(SCREAMS) -(LAUGHING)

(SLOW POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Otherwise, you found your way around

-and everything all right? -Yeah.

-Like, everything you needed to know. -Yes.

Everyone was really nice to me.

Cool.

(INDISTINCT)

(RINGS BELL)

Dawn, have you done that important report

that I asked you to do? I've been waiting two years.

I would have done it, but, unfortunately, I've been extremely busy.

-Sunbathing, filing my nails. -Sure, sure.

Well, I am beginning to wonder if your heart is really in this job.

Dawn, you shouldn't be behind there, you don't work here any more.

Look at the boss. Look at him. Look at his little boss face.

-Are you enjoying yourself, Gareth? -Yeah, yeah. It's all right.

Gareth, I meant to ask you, following on from our discussion...

-Um, you know when you're out on manoeuvres. -Mmm-hmm.

You have to stay over a barracks, right?

With all those men in bunk beds.

Now do you prefer to go on top?

Yeah, because then, if you get up in the night you disturb them,

but they can't disturb you. (CHUCKLES)

So, it helps.

TIM: I mean, they're trained, aren't they? Must be pretty fit, I guess.

-Yup. -So, you just looking at the men and you're going,

-"They're fit." -We all are. We have to be.

And if you were, like, in a wood

and an enemy soldier sort of jumps on one of your boys,

are you gonna stand there and panic or would you pull him off?

-Yeah, immediately. -You'd pull him off right away?

-Of course. -They're winding you up, mate.

It means wank you off.

GARETH: Did you?

Yeah, afraid I did. Sorry. Thanks, Lee.

That's pathetic.

Right, shall we make a move?

Leave? (STAMMERING) We can give it a few minutes, can't we?

I know what you're like, you'll have too much to drink tonight

and moan all day tomorrow.

What about Secret Santa?

Well, I'm sure you'll cope. I'll go and get the coats, all right?

Right, mate.

Oh, well.

Ah...

You can persuade him to stay for a little bit longer, can't you?

Ooh, I... No. I mean, we have to go tomorrow.

-No, understood. -Eight-hour flight.

-Fair play. Is it eight hours? -It is.

(WHISTLES)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(SIGHS)

(COUGHING)

So, this has been nice.

-It has. -Good night, then?

-(SLOW POP MUSIC PLAYING) -(CHUCKLES)

Good seeing you again.

-Look after yourself. Have a good life. -I will.

-Keep in touch! -Yeah, I will. I might!

-Oh! -No, I will.

Anyway...

Yeah, listen... There's something...

-It's really nice seeing you, Dawn. Good seeing you. -You, too.

-Look after yourself. -Your Secret Santa.

-See you mate. -See ya, Lee, you little... Good luck.

Cheers.

Oh, bye, every...

Dawn's off, everyone! Bye.

-See you later, mate. -TRUDY: Have a nice flight back.

# Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it

# I just want you back for good

# Want you back

# Want you back

# Want you back for good

# Whenever I'm wrong, just tell me the song

# And I'll sing it

# You'll be right and understood

# Want you back Want you back

# I want you back for good... #

Right, Amanda.

And next up is Gareth.

(ALL COOING)

Very funny. Who got me that?

No, don't tell him. Secret Santa, that's the point.

Whoever it was, I specifically said I wanted vouchers. So... Annoying.

-Right, ah... -TIM: The people you work with

are people you were just thrown together with.

You don't know them. I mean, it wasn't your choice,

and yet you spend more time with them than you do your friends or your family.

But probably all you've got in common is the fact that you

walk around on the same bit carpet for eight hours a day.

And so,

obviously when someone

comes in who you have a connection with...

Yeah! And Dawn was a ray of sunshine in my life.

And it meant a lot.

But...

If I'm really being honest, I never really thought it would have a happy ending.

(UNWRAPPING PAPER)

I don't know what a happy ending is.

Life isn't about endings, is it? It's a series of moments.

And, um...

It's like, if you turn the camera off, it's not an ending, is it?

I'm still here. My life's not over.

Come back here in 10 years,

see how I'm doing then.

'Cause I could be married with kids. You don't know.

Life just goes on.

(HOLIDAY MUSIC PLAYING)

DAVID: No, I wasn't holding a lot of hope for this evening, but...

She is a brilliant woman.

Smart, logical.

And you hear people say,

that you can't be a beautiful, sensual woman like Carol

and still be logical.

She's proved them wrong.

So, you know, part of the attraction.

In fact, for me to be attracted to a woman,

she has to be as intelligent, or slightly less intelligent, than me.

She is.

You know, and never been impressed with these guys that go,

"Oh, look at her, she's got a great pair of breasts,"

or, "She's got a cute little tush."

I mean, Carol's got all those things,

but she's got it going on upstairs as well as down.

Perfect for me.

INTERVIEWER: How was that?

Yeah, he's funny.

Yeah, he wants to try my Thai food. That's okay.

Yeah, I had a good chat with him.

INTERVIEWER: Would you want to see him again?

Yeah. Think so.

-(INDISTINCT) -(LAUGHS)

Thank you very much.

Cheers.

Oh.

-Thank you very much. -It's all right.

Definitely.

For a beach holiday, I mean, it's perfect.

-Long flight, but... -It was, what, two weeks?

Two weeks, a grand each.

I just said, "Go with it."

Well done. I was gonna say to you. Leagues are doing well.

-What? -Were they in the league? (STAMMERING)

What are you talking about? You don't know about football!

-Guilty! I support Reading! -You don't!

You don't support... When did you last get one on us?

I support football more than him.

-Yeah, well, I'm more of a rugby man. -Admits it. Admits it. So...

No, dog with you today, David?

Did you not see her? She just left!

(LAUGHING)

-Chris. -Yeah?

Why don't you fuck off?

(SLOW POP MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

All I'm saying is, Think about what I said, all right.

-The doctor is... -I know this, the triplets.

No, why would there be triplets?

It's the bloke in the car, is his father.

-Okay. -And the doctor really did say,

I can't operate on that boy, he's my son.

GARETH: The doctor's telling the truth as well?

Is he a man...

Careful, she's got a fiance.

I haven't. Not any more.

# All I needed was the love you gave

# All I needed for another day

# And all I ever knew

# Only you

# This is gonna take a long time

# And I wonder what's mine

# Can't take no more

# I wonder if you'll understand

# It's just the touch of your hand

# Behind a closed door

# All I needed was the love you gave

# All I needed for another day

# And all I ever knew

# Only you #

DAVID: A philosopher once wrote, "You need three things to have a good life.

"One, a meaningful relationship.

"Two, a decent job of work.

(ALL LAUGHING)

"And three, to make a difference."

And it was always that third one that stressed me,

to make a difference.

And I realised that I do, every day, we all do.

It's how we interact with our fellow man.

Sorry, Neil...

Can I have just one with Neil out?

Just one with the old gang. Do you mind?

-Just one with the old gang. -Sure, come on.

-The real gang. -NEIL: Yeah, all right.

The glory years.

INTERVIEWER: How would you like to be remembered?

Simply as the man

who put a smile on the face of all who he met.

WOMAN: Say cheese.

ALL: Cheese!

-Did that work? -ALL: No!

Okay, just give me a sec.

I'm having a bit of trouble here.

(AS FRANK SPENCER) Ooh, I'm having a bit of trouble meself!

(ALL CHUCKLING)

Betty, Jessica, the cat did a whoopsie in my beret!

(ALL LAUGH)

Do you know who that is? Frank Spencer.

Oh, do it again!

(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)

# So what becomes of you, my love?

# When they have finally stripped you of

# The handbags and the glad rags

# That your granddad

# Had to sweat so you could buy #

Have you got everything you need?

Cheers.