Original subtitles

DAVID: Stitch-up.

It was a stitch-up.

They filmed hours of material,

and most of it is a good bloke doing a good job at work

and the one time I accidentally head-butt an interviewee

makes it to the programme, you're gonna look a prat.

You're gonna... You head-butt a girl on telly, you're labelled a prat,

and that's the game.

And the BBC must have taken what, about eight hours footage a day,

and I got it back and most of it was like, you know,

"Oh, look. Here's a good guy, he's getting on".

"He's their friend as well as their boss,

"He's a motivator, an entertainer. There's lots of good stuff.

"Oh, he's made one mistake,

"like any human would, should we just cut that out?" "No, what?

"Put that bit in, cut the other stuff out.

"We want a scapegoat, we want to dumb down.

"We wanna give them the biggest plonker of the year".

You know...

I'm not a plonker.

(PHONE RINGS)

(KNOCKS)

-Yes. -Gareth, this is the stuff from Nelsons.

You remember I'm going early tonight, eh?

GARETH: Hmm?

I'm going early.

-I said that was all right? -Yes, you did, Gareth, yeah.

Yep, there it is.

Good. I'm so pleased.

Gareth, are these the keys to your office?

(GARETH SHOUTS)

Oliver!

He's locked me in again. Oliver!

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

GARETH: Unlock it now. It's not funny. What if there was a fire?

Sorry, who is this?

Who do you think it is? Father Christmas? Open the door.

I don't believe in you.

-Mel, if Gareth rings... -(PHONE RINGS)

That'll be Gareth. Don't pick it up, don't pick it up, 'cause he wants...

Hello?

-MEL: Yeah. -(WHISPERING) Say no.

What did he say? Listen. Can I just say though...

Can I have those keys because he wants me to let him out?

Yeah, I know, but I just locked him in and it's gonna be a bit of fun.

But he's asked me and I just...

-There's no problem. Okay. -I'll just open it.

There's not really a problem.

(DOOR UNLOCKS)

Here we are. Caught me in me...Me local fruit and veg emporium.

WOMAN: You come in here a lot, do you?

Big time. Need to stay healthy when you're on the road.

Can't take chances.

Although the only fruit I actually like is the bananas, isn't it, Paul?

Yeah. And we all know what you do with them when you get them home, aye?

Shove 'em up me... Gay! No, I'm not. He knows I'm not. He's just...

Although, you know, Paul, fruit is very versatile, isn't it?

You feeling cold, David?

(CHUCKLES) Feeling cold. Mine's shrivelled!

Look, he thinks we're mad!

DAVID: (LAUGHS) You all right?

Do I know you?

Yeah. We're doing a follow-up.

-To what? -To the documentary that went out on telly, just doing a...

-What, you were in a documentary? -Yeah. Yeah.

-What was it? -Come on.

Are you that fat one from Airport?

Obviously not.

Wernham Hogg.

-Wernham Hogg. Yeah. -What was it about?

-About me. Following me around at work. -Not at the airport?

-No. Forget the Airport. -No. I don't recognise you.

You do recognise me. You're on the right lines. You just can't...

Are you famous?

(CHUCKLES) Penny's dropped!

-Well, can I have your autograph? -Yeah.

-You got a pen? -I've got a pen.

-What's your name? -David.

Oh! From one David to another!

-Is your name David? -Oh, for...Yes!

He knows who I am.

WOMAN: Does that sort of a thing happen a lot?

Getting recognised? Yeah.

I mean, usually they know specifically who I am.

He recognised me. He'll kick himself later.

WOMAN: Is it ever a problem?

Um, I mean, you always get the odd person

who doesn't appreciate what you're doing, shouts silly things, but...

WOMAN: What sort of things?

"You beardy twat". "Pug-nose gimp".

"Lard boy".

And I go, "Yeah. What you have you ever done on telly? Nothing! So don't..."

"Absolutely Flabulous".

(ANNE SIGHS)

Ooh.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SNIFFLES)

(SIGHS)

Hello.

Um...

Right, I've got a meeting with Ray Howles,

who's the building manager here at the Park Conference Centre.

WOMAN: Are you a door-to-door salesman?

No!

I don't go cold calling,

trying to sell people clothes pegs and dusters.

I do sell dusters, but that's about 5% of what, you know, we do.

Dustbins, floors, worktops, glass.

Best till last, okay.

Take one of these little fellas.

I'm just gonna dip it in there, like that.

Oh! It's nearly dry, okay.

All I'm gonna do, just a circular motion like that on the wall.

And because of the texture and quality of the chammy,

that's coming off with tap water, okay.

No solvents. Usually you run the risk of discolouring the paint.

With this, I'm removing the stain job, not the paint job, okay.

That's done. That's dry again. You can use that again.

Fine. Seems fine. Can I take a dozen or so to start with?

Sold to that man. Okay, yeah, sure.

Start off like that and then let's see.

Can I ask you something? Who does your tampons?

Back again.

A new Dawn.

She looks a bit... A younger model, there.

I'm not a model.

Not as bright as Dawn.

Hiya.

-Hey, David. -Hiya.

Tim! Timboo! Timboo!

What's the craic? What's going down?

Just same old stuff, you know.

Cromwell still on your case?

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's still going on.

-Remember what I said about Trevor? -Uh-huh.

You can tell when he's lying. His lips move!

See you later, man.

DAVID: Keenan in?

-Huh? -(DOOR OPENS)

Well, I bought that from Halfords.

Oh! Here he is!

(CHUCKLES) The fella who nicked me job!

-Didn't nick it. -Nah. Didn't want it any more.

-He begged for it back. -I didn't. Shut up! What are you talking about?

He's here more often now that he doesn't work here than he was when he did work here.

-Exaggerating! -Always nice to see you.

Well, it's nice for them to see me, that's why I pop in so...

-Bit disruptive. -Not disruptive.

It's good for them, so it's good for the company, so it should be good for you.

-Learn that! It's always nice for them to see me. -Always nice to see you.

He's here an awful lot now, though.

I am here an awful lot but I never outstay my welcome, so...

Perhaps you should call ahead.

I'm not gonna call ahead. You're not a doctor!

When you're a doctor, I'll make an appointment.

I'm hardly likely to be a doctor.

I don't think you are. No. Six years medical training. He's got one O level.

Always welcome, but maybe you should call ahead.

Not gonna call ahead. No point.

-Then I'll lock the door! -Yeah? I'll still get in! Let's see.

-Oh! -Should...

-Should phone ahead. -I'm not gonna call ahead.

All right. I can only give you 10 minutes, David.

-Ten minutes. What do you mean? -Uh, busy.

I'm busy. I did 60 hours last week.

I know how many hours you do a week. He seems to forget that!

-You should phone ahead. -I'm not gonna call ahead.

I did learn a lot from David. I learnt from his mistakes.

Okay. We're very different people.

He used humour where I use discipline.

And I learnt that nobody respected him.

And in a war situation,

if you want your platoon to go over the top with you to certain death,

it's no good saying to them, "Please come with me, lads. I'll tell you a joke".

It's a direct order, "Come with me".

And they'll go, "Yes, he's got good leadership skills,

"let's all go with him to our certain death".

And if... Also if you're laughing in the jungle,

you're gonna give away your position to the enemy.

(PHONE RINGING)

You want me to send that?

-Oh, please, yeah. -Okay.

Want me to send it out as it is? Got your signature on it.

Yeah.

You're happy with it?

Seems fine.

Yeah? Fine. You're right.

'Cause it is 2002.

Oh, it's the wrong date. I'll change it.

No. Don't worry. I'll do it.

Are you sure you wouldn't be happier over there

with the rest of the finance department?

No. Oh, God, I spent a week over there. Whingy lot.

-Right. -And that big Keith, he's grotesque, isn't he?

No, I didn't like it over there. I couldn't breathe.

No, I mean, I had to get out. I couldn't stand it.

It's so confined, do you know what I mean? And I needed the space.

-(BABY COOING) -Is that more comfy? Is that more comfy now?

Oh, you're so good.

-(BABY HICCUPS) -Oh, bless you! Bless you.

Oh, that's so clever.

Good lord. Good lord.

Ooh.

MAN: So are you actually living here now?

Oh, it's sort of complicated because I know this is a bit naughty and...

This won't go out over here, will it?

Okay, we're being naughty because you are sort of meant to go home after 90 days

and so we're sort of bending the rules a bit and having sort of an extended holiday.

MAN: What are you doing for money?

Um, odds and ends, really.

Just sort of cash in hand stuff for friends of Lee's sister.

And he's doing gardening and things. Ooh.

And I'm unofficial babysitter. This is Ryan. Say hello, Ryan.

This is Jackie's baby.

MAN: And Jackie is I assume...

Oh, Jackie is Lee's sister. And Gary is Jackie's husband.

This is their place.

And we've been living here for how long?

It's rent free.

Rent's the biggest expenditure normally.

-We're not paying any rent. -(RYAN CRIES)

Not paying rent, so...

Cost of living out here's so cheap. You can live on a pittance.

In fact, our situation here is almost as good as it was in Slough, innit?

Definitely. Definitely.

-(RYAN WHIMPERS) -Oh! Oh!

TIM: I had feelings for Dawn, obviously.

And I realise now that...

Well, we were really good friends,

and I misinterpreted that friendship for something.

And that wasn't how she was feeling,

and it got a bit out of proportion in my mind, I guess.

And I really wish I hadn't done what I did.

But I did.

But, you know, she's cool. Lee's fine.

She said no to me so...

And they're fine, you know. So, there's no harm done or anything, it's all cool.

And from what I hear, they're loving it out there apparently.

Hmm.

It's a little bit different now, though,

because Gareth is not General Manager as such like I was when I was here.

I was sort of omnipotent.

And he's doing a much more watered down version.

That was just 'cause of your redundancy thing.

They couldn't call the job the same thing. And he sued them.

-WOMAN: Did you win? -Oh, yes.

They had to paid you off, didn't they?

Yeah. Out-of-court settlement. So, quite a lot of money. Ka-ching!

-Wasted most of it, though. -I didn't waste it.

Tell her what you spent it on.

I released my own single, so if that's a waste of money...

Well, it is a waste of money 'cause you didn't even get in the top 100.

Good! Didn't want it to! Next.

WOMAN: How much did that cost, putting out a single?

"Costs" is a bit misleading because I was paying for everything.

I paid for the studio time, PR costs all myself.

Roughly, how much did you think you spent?

Roughly, £42,000.

(GARETH CHUCKLES)

You know, that's all outgoings, though.

That's not taking into account the money I made from the singles sold, so...

WOMAN: How much did you make?

Well, 'cause I had my own record label, Juxtaposition Records,

I was taking the lion's share,

so I was making a clear £1 profit for every single sold.

How many records did you sell?

(CLEARS THROAT) Fifty, something like that, over all.

Sorry? 150.

(CHUCKLES) It was mainly to friends and family.

-No, it wasn't. -And people we knew.

And they were only buying them out of sympathy.

-Definitely not. -I bought five out of sympathy.

No. You bought 'em for your mates.

They're still in the garage.

Why...

# If you don't know me by now

# You will never, never never know me

# Ooh, ooh, ooh

# All the things

# That we've been through

# You should understand me

# Like I understand you

# Now, girl, I know the difference

# Between right and wrong

# Well, I ain't gonna do nothin'

# To break up our happy home

# Whoa, don't get so excited

# I get home a little late at night

# 'Cause we only act like children

# When we argue, fuss and fight, whoa!

# If you don't know me by now

# If you don't know me!

# You will never, never, never know me

# Ooh, ooh, ooh

# No, you won't, no

# If you don't know me by now

# If you don't know me!

# You will never, never, never know me

# Ooh, ooh, ooh

# No, you won't #

-Any calls, Melanie? -No.

-No? Jeremy hasn't called? -No.

You see all these white middle-class fuddy-duddies going,

"Oh, we've got to find the new equivalent".

They're looking Oxford and Cambridge. No.

Dr Dre, yeah. Ice T. They're the equivalent of Wordsworth.

-David. Yep. -Hiya. All right?

-You doing all right? -Yeah. (SNIGGERS)

I think I'm doing all right. Ask these. They know what I'm doing.

I'm repping in the day. You know how bloody much I like that.

And at night, I was just explaining to him, I do me celebrity appearances

500 quid a time, so, yeah, I'm doing okay.

-Is that enough jobs for you? -That's great.

-How are you doing? All right? -Good, thanks, yeah.

Good.

Hope you're not keeping them from their work.

No, I think a little morale boost helps them work, doesn't it?

I think they're loving it. Look at their faces when I'm around, so...

NEIL: Yes, I can see that.

Just don't overexcite them.

I'll try not to.

-I'll see you later. -See you later.

Oh, dear. "How's it going?" I think he bloody knows full well how well it's going.

(GIGGLES) I'm lucky.

WOMAN: Do you resent Neil?

-The man or the boss? -Either.

Neither. Next.

Do you miss being in the office environment?

Um, I am in the office environment.

If you've got a mobile phone,

you're in the office.

I can be in my office, yeah?

Bombing along at 70 miles an hour plus. 70 miles an hour tops. Yeah?

And I can pull over safely.

I can make a phone call, "Hi, Paula. It's David.

"Can you fax me over those important facts and figures, please, ASAP?"

You've got a fax machine in the car?

Nah. Not in the car. But get to somewhere that has, call her again,

go, "Hi. I'm here now. Can you fax it now?

"I'm in the Ramada Inn, Reading. Look it up".

That's... So...

Okay, thank you for coming.

Uh, 3:00 on the 14th. Fortnightly management meeting chaired by myself, G Keenan.

All heads of division present. You've got your agendas.

-TIM: Gareth? -What?

Can I add just something to the agenda, please?

No, you know full well you cannot submit something

to be discussed during the meeting.

BOTH: It has to be submitted before 2:00 so it can be typed up onto the agenda.

This is the agenda. Has been typed up.

Right. But I got this information after 2:00.

There's no way I could have possibly got it in before.

-Have to wait till next time. -Or how about I just tell you the information now?

It won't go on the agenda.

What if I just start telling you that Mike thinks the quotes he's given us

-(SCATTING) -don't include VAT, so that...

I did not officially hear that, all right? You know the rules.

Right. Fine. Okay. So I cannot possibly get this on the agenda?

-No. -There's no way I can get this on the agenda?

-No. -So, what's point number seven on the agenda?

-"Any Other Business". -Can I bring it up then?

-Yes. -I'll wait till then.

Right. Enough of this tomfoolery.

Ooh.

MAN: Were you embarrassed when Tim asked you out?

-Which time? -Shut up.

Um, I didn't... To be honest, I didn't know what to say, really, so...

Well, you did, you said no.

No, I mean, um...

I was kind of mortified for Tim more than me.

And anyway, for God's sake he's like a million miles away now.

MAN: And you didn't feel...

Okay, can we not not talk about it?

I don't wanna hurt Tim's feelings.

Well, look, everyone saw it, right, so I'm... I'm bang to rights.

I told Dawn how I felt and she, you know...

People are afraid, all right, to show their emotions

because they don't want their mates to take the piss out of them, whatever.

But luckily I have no mates. (CHUCKLES)

So, um... Actually, when that bit went out on telly,

I was watching it with my family and I was mortified obviously.

And my grandmother said,

"I'm not surprised she chose the other fella. I wouldn't kick him out of bed".

(HUFFS) So, Lee,

if you're watching and you ever get bored of being

with someone with her own teeth,

Nana's up for it!

-Is he in? -(MEN LAUGHING)

Oh! Hey!

Never mind all that.

Eh, the Brent master.

How you doing, boy? Oh! (SIGHS)

-All right, David? -Yeah. Not too bad. Not too bad.

So how's life on the road?

Pretty good, pretty good. Well, you should know, you know. Few perks.

Really? What sort of perks?

Use your imagination. Young, free and single. (SQUAWKS) Motels.

-What, girls? -Well, don't be blatant about it.

Is that not what you meant?

Well, don't try and work out if I'm getting any or not. It's an innuendo, you know.

So, you should know. You know what I mean?

You don't, you're still behind a desk.

-Well, I wouldn't if I could, now, anyway. -Why not?

I'm getting married.

Oh, yeah, congratulations.

-Who to? -Her name's Rebecca.

I've been going out about six years. Just doing the honourable thing now.

-When's the wedding? -Not till next year.

I'll be bloody married by then!

-Who to? -Well, I'm saying a year's a long time!

-You dating anyone at the moment? -Dating! Granddad!

-FINCH: Of course he's not. -'Course I am!

I'm out all the time. I'm not just tied to one woman...

-Here's a picture of her. -Yeah. It's good.

-Stunner, isn't she, eh? -"Stunner"? Sexist.

Yeah.

I prefer someone a little bit more intellectual, but...

-Well, she's a doctor. -I see.

You never seen a girl like that before, have you?

Well, not without a staple through her stomach.

(SQUELCHES)

Degrading to a GP.

So...Well done. Congratulations.

Thank you.

So, are you gonna be bringing one of your dates to the Christmas party?

-Huh? -Bring one of your chicks to the party?

-Yeah. -Yeah?

So you'll need two tickets, then?

Yeah. Put me down for two. Yeah, buy two, get one free.

One for me, one for definitely a woman with me, yeah.

-Yeah. -Great.

See you there. With a lady.

Yeah, I have girlfriends.

On and off. They come and go.

In, out, shake it all about.

WOMAN: When was the last time you had an actual girlfriend?

I don't look at it as when. I look at it as who and why, yeah.

Because it's sort of like, a relationship's a heavy gig, so I've got to go...

You know, if I'm going out with a girl... "Who? Why?"

Yeah, I see it that if I'm having fun with a girlfriend

or a girl, stroke, friend, whatever you wanna label 'em,

it's got to be, "Oh, that was fun. Good.

"Can we do it again tomorrow, David?"

"Can't tomorrow. Doing something else".

"What you doing?" "Back off. Yeah?"

"Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies".

So, you're not looking for a relationship?

I'm not shopping for a relationship.

Browsing. If I see a bargain, I've got the money.

So, that's very much a... That's a metaphor. I'd never pay for it.

Yeah. Mumbo Jumbo's.

Oh! Smell the stale beer.

Here we go. Mumbo Jumbo's.

Oh! "Surprise TV Personality". (CHUCKLES)

They haven't put it's me playing here,

which is annoying, so my fan base won't know.

I'm on. Oh! Here he is.

I'd like to complain about this poster, please. (CHUCKLES)

Peter, my agent. He runs the agency that's taken me on,

doing all the PAs and stuff, it's nice.

WOMAN: What sort of agency is it?

A bit of everything really.

Um...um...

Tell her what sort of stuff you do. All the things...

Well, we have celebrities.

Like... Like David.

-Uh, bands. -Tribute acts.

-Tribute acts. Tribute bands. -Brilliant. Just like the real thing.

-And lookie-likies. -Yeah.

Got some good... Tell 'em what lookie-likies you've got.

He's got all stars.

-I got Kirk Douglas. -Michael Douglas.

Michael Douglas. His son.

-Yeah. looks like him. -Yeah. He does.

He does. He looks just like him.

WOMAN: What does he do?

Uh, well, he... Yeah.

He just turns up at a party.

You hire him.

Yeah, and he'll just wander around looking like Michael Douglas.

Actually, I'm thinking of, um...

At the moment, I'm thinking of getting a Catherine Zeta-Jones.

-Good idea. -Really, 'cause, uh...

'Cause a lot of people don't realise who he is.

They just think he's some old bloke at the party.

(SIGHS) Have you got any look-alikes of me

so I don't have to turn up to these things? (CHUCKLES)

No, you're nowhere near famous enough to have a look-alike.

No, I'm joking.

You're meant to big me up. Sort of.

I have been given an opportunity that would literally be a sin to waste.

So build on it. Yeah?

They took a normal guy and they said,

"Let's see what the nation thinks of him".

And the nation seems to be saying, "Yeah. What else you got?"

So, duty calls, you know.

I seem to be able to give pleasure.

It's two minutes to 1:00 a.m.!

(CROWD CHEERING)

That's right, folks. She's in the house.

Sarah Whatmore is in the house!

-(CHEERING) -(WHISTLING)

One of the Popstars rejects, she's got a new single coming out soon,

gonna perform that live in about 20 minutes.

And let me tell you, lads, she is looking hot!

-(CHEERING) -(MUSIC PLAYING)

# Feeling hot, hot, hot

# Feeling hot, hot, hot #

All right, before that, we've got a special treat.

You might recognise this guy from the BBC Two documentary, The Office.

Some of you might even have bought his single recently,

though probably not, 'cause it got to about number 400.

But let's give him a big Mumbo Jumbo's welcome, it's David Brent!

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

-Good to see you. -Got to 113.

Nice to see you. What you up to at the moment, David?

Just doing this at the moment.

No. Not just now. Generally. You've got loads going on, don't you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, doing more of these. Doing my walks for Mencap.

Which is important to me.

And also, you know, I've got lots of stuff in the pipeline.

What sort of stuff in the pipeline?

Oh! Even more of these.

Um, opportunities, really.

Great. Great, great. And what are you doing for us this evening?

-Huh? -What you got planned?

No, he just said come out, say hello.

-That's it, is it? -Yeah.

Let's give him a big hand. David Brent!

# Feeling hot, hot, hot

# Feeling hot, hot, hot

# Feeling hot, hot, hot #

Someone, who shall remain nameless,

has persuaded yours truly to...

It's a bit of a laugh really.

Dating service. Online dating.

I'm going along with it. But, you know...

Try anything once. Variety is the spice of life.

And all that. Living la vida loca.

La dolce vita.

Voulez-vous couchez avec moi?

-Know what that means? "Will you go to bed with me?" -Yeah.

I hope no French women apply now.

Hope they do. I love French girls.

Yeah. So do I. I'm joking.

I'd do most nationalities.

-Okay. Your personal details. -Liberal.

Your physique. Would you say you are you slim, average, well-built, heavily built?

-Should I put heavily built? -Well-built.

Yeah?

Yeah. Most of it's muscle, innit?

-Yeah. Okay. -Innit?

Has Neil got a

date for the wedding or is he just...

-This September? -September?

Could be good. Might rain.

Could be a wash-out. I hope not. I hope not.

How would you describe your looks?

Very attractive, attractive, average?

You can't put very attractive. It looks like arrogance, don't it?

Put attractive.

She'll see me.

Okay. Occupation...

And it's just me and my little boy and, you know, sort of Andrew.

That's it. That's it. That's all I care about.

Nothing can get in the way. An mind you, I usually get in me own way.

Did I tell you this?

We went to that Euro Disney in, um...

-In Paris. -In Paris.

And there's a ride my son wanted to go on, the Space Mountain.

And it's a 40-minute wait for the ride, to go on the ride.

So, I said to my husband, um...

Andrew.

I said, "Andrew, there is no way I am waiting for 40 minutes to go on, um..."

-Space Mountain. -"Space Mountain".

"There is no way I'm queuing for 40 minutes to go on a ride".

So I went up to the bloke who's supervising, you know, this French bloke.

-Full of 'em. -And I said to him...

He spoke perfect English.

And I said to him... I said, "Listen".

I said, "I'm with a young lad and he is sick".

Didn't have to say anything else.

He read between the lines.

He thought he was terminally ill?

I didn't say that, but we went right in the front of the queue.

Brilliant. Well done.

Good thing about that, of course, is there probably were

sick kids in the queue and you went straight past them.

Well, I don't know. There's no way I'm waiting for 40 minutes to go on a ride.

Why should you? Why should you?

Yeah. I'll tell you what, though.

Your interests. Pubs?

-Guilty! -Yes.

-Sports. -Yeah.

-What sports do you play? -(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) Squash.

I played you squash, you're rubbish.

Well, I'm not much of a player, am I? Just... Just put it.

-Cooking. You like cooking. -Don't put that though.

-Why? -Start off on the wrong foot. Under the thumb.

Cooking all me life.

-Watching TV. -Yeah.

Put documentaries.

-You can't specify. -Type it in.

-Mixing with friends. -Yeah, loads, put loads.

-Travelling. -Yeah.

-When was the last time you went travelling? -I travel, boy, I travel.

-Where have you been to? -Hull.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Hull is hardly travelling.

Oh, innit? How did I get there then?

Did it come to me? Oh, here comes Hull down the motorway in a car.

So arrogant now.

-I'm just speaking my mind these days. -Lippy.

-I'm an executive now. -Yeah. Will you jump on my grave so quickly?

Come on.

(SLURPING)

-(SIGHS) -(CLEARS THROAT)

And you know, you get bored with each other

-if you're not careful. -Sure.

And so Andrew's mum bought us the Kama Sutra and a sort of massage pack.

-Sort of. -And I think the one

we conceived with is the one where, right,

Andrew's laid out and I squat over him.

I lower down and he enters me, and I put my full weight on it and...

Do you know what I mean?

We're like that.

And he's right up inside me because of the weight, and I simply rock on him.

Which enables deeper penetration, which stimulates him and me.

And I can do a lot when I'm there. I can get really, really low, you know.

And I've got the strength in my legs and I can feel the support.

And he's hittin', you know. Hittin' it right there.

And that's it, bingo! And we're away.

-(RYAN CRYING) -(HUSHING)

-(CRYING CONTINUES) -(HUSHING)

Do us a favour. Shut it up, will you?

How am I supposed to do that?

(CRYING CONTINUES)

MAN: Will you get a chance to get back to Slough yet

to see your friends and your workmates?

Uh, yeah. No. Definitely not.

MAN: Why is that?

Um, well, for a start, costs three months' wages to go over there on what we earn.

MAN: What if we were able to arrange for you to go back?

There's a million reasons we can't go, so...

LEE: What do you mean, "Arrange it"?

MAN: If we were able to take care of everything, would you want to go back?

-Yeah, of course. -Let's talk about it first!

Was that a genuine offer?

GARETH: Right. "Her details".

-"Her marital status. Single, divorced..." -Not divorced.

No, husband might still be around. Might be a nutter. I'm not getting into all that.

-Widowed? -I'd bloody love her to be widowed.

(SOFTLY) Okay.

-Minimum age required? -Twenty-five.

I don't think you should go out with a 25-year-old.

-Why not? -Age difference too much.

-It's not too much. It's... -Well, 20 years is too much.

Twenty years? Ten, if any... I'm not 45, Gareth!

-No? -No... Are you blind?

I thought 'cause of the... Jowls, you know...

Jowls? Look at... Look at pokey-nose boy. Pinocchio man.

Have that... Someone's eye out with that, you...

-I'll send that, shall I? -What age did you put?

-Uh... It's already sent. -What age did you put?

-Forty-five. -I can't believe it! Forty-five?

Well, think she's gonna be happy

when she comes in and sees you looking like this?

She's not gonna call if she's 25.

I don't think you ever had a chance with a 25-year-old. (CHUCKLES)

(PHONE RINGS)

Okay, Christmas party ideas is what I'm looking for.

-Um, shall we just blue-sky it? -Blue-sky it!

Yeah, let's do that, Gareth. Yeah. Let's fly it up the flagpole

and see if the cat sucks you off.

Any ideas are welcome. Um... So, your party, what do you wanna see there?

Brainstorm. Let's go.

-Uh, buffet? -That sort of goes without saying.

-Disco? -Okay, I like it.

-Girls. -What do you mean?

-Invite girls. -Girls will be coming.

Not the girls that work here. Other girls. Pretty girls.

Do you want some swing by prostitutes, Keith?

It shouldn't cost you anything.

(GARETH MUMBLES)

-He's putting that down? -Um... Anything else?

-WOMAN 1: Secret Santa? -S.S. I like it.

-WOMAN 2: Dancing competition. -Dance comp.

WOMAN 3: What about something for the old people?

Something for the old people. Of course.

Well... What are you putting there? You can't just... You can't put "something". What?

Oh, I dunno. That's...

Yeah. But we have to de... We can't just put "something for old people".

You know, like what? Werther's Originals? A phone call from your son? What?

-Anything else? -Wet T-shirt competition.

Keith, we cannot have...

He's writing that down as well! Is that something for the old people, Gareth?

No, definitely not. That's a good point, actually. No OAPs in wet T-shirts.

-So... The wet T-shirt competition's going ahead? -Look, it's a democracy.

All right? That's the point. Everyone can get their ideas on a piece of paper.

Gareth, Gareth... We cannot have a wet T-shirt competition.

You can. Just need a bucket and T-shirt.

Thank you.

Um, there is gonna be a couple of blasts from the past at this Christmas party.

Pete Gibbons and his wife Cheryl will be here.

-WOMAN: Oh. -Gibbo.

Nice to see them. Um... Jeff Lamp might be popping in.

(SCOFFS) Oh, dear.

Um, and also

-Dawn Tinsley and Lee will be... -YOUNG WOMEN: Oh, are they?

-...pop... Yeah. A flying visit. Um... -OLDER WOMAN: Is it? Great!

GARETH: They'll be popping in. WOMAN 1: Yeah.

Yeah, that was a bit of a shock, to be honest.

Er...

I suppose I'd thought, "Out of sight, out of mind" or whatever,

and that I'd got her out of my system.

But, yeah, when I heard she was coming back...

Uh... I mean, what can I say? My stomach just sort of... (SQUELCHES)

You know... (SMIRKS) At first, I thought it was embarrassment,

and then it's the thought of seeing her, or whatever, you know.

So there's... There's obviously something still there.

Um...

But I'm not gonna ask her again, obviously.

You know. She'd have to ask me, you know.

If she asked me...

But that's... That's not gonna happen.

I mean, we were torn about whether or not to go home for Christmas.

Because, you know, it's gonna be 75 degrees in Florida.

And then we found out that in Slough it's going to be drizzly!

So you know... That swung it for us, didn't it?

So, couldn't resist that! (SIGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

ANNOUNCER: From Big Brother, it's Bubble!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

(INAUDIBLE)

Yes!

Okay, here we go. Are you ready for sexy bachelor Number Two?

ALL: Yes!

Well, he's the star of that BBC Two documentary series, The Office,

he's the boss from hell,

he's looking for love and a job, he's all the way from Slough,

give it up, everybody, for David Brent!

-(WEAK APPLAUSE) -Come on! (GIGGLES)

-I'm not looking for a job! -(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)

-(SILENCE) -You'd just like to take a seat, David.

-Yeah. -Yeah, brilliant. We'll plug it in!

Right. Here we go. Are you ready for sexy bachelor Number Three?

ALL: Yes!

You've seen him on the television. He's the star of the Halifax adverts.

Give it up, yeah. It's Howard Brown!

(ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE)

-Hi, Howard. -Hi. How are you?

-You all right? -I'm fine, thanks.

-(SHOUTS) Who gives you extra? -ALL: Who? Who? Who? Who?

Fantastic! I've got some fans here.

Yeah, they love you, don't they?

Yeah, you've got a few in tonight. Well, bro...

DAVID: I'm not just chasing fame per se. People like to see famous people.

And it annoys me when people have a go at celebrities.

You know, like poor Noel Edmonds.

People going, "Uh... Wha... What's he doing going round hospitals wards

"at Christmas giving out presents to children?" You know?

"Oh, he's doing it for himself, isn't he?" He's not doing it for himself!

He's doing it for them. He's not doing it at all any more.

He can't get on telly for love nor money.

But when he was doing it, he was doing it for them, you know.

What's up with... You go to... Uh, People like to see famous people.

You go to a little town in Wales, you turn up in Lampeter

with Richard Blackwood on your arm

and you go, "Oi, everybody! Little surprise for you. Richard Blackwood".

They're gonna go, "What are you doing here?"

And not in a racist way.

They're happy to see him. He's welcome 'cause he's famous.

Now it's time to meet our contestant.

Remember she has no idea who our three lucky celebrities are.

So please, whatever you do, don't spoil it, don't say anything.

Just put your hands together, give a big round of applause for our Kim!

(WOLF WHISTLES)

Ooh.

Good.

They like you! Are you all right?

Yeah!

(CROWD CHEERING)

(KIM WHOOPS)

Got a right little raver here tonight!

Okay what's question number one?

What have you got and who's it to, Kim?

Uh... This is for Number One.

People who know me know that my passion in life is dancing!

What is your passion?

My passion in life is football.

(MEN CHEERING)

I'm a Chelsea fan. Any Chelsea boys here?

(BOOING)

Well, I hope you're a West Ham fan, love, 'cause after tonight

you'll be forever blowing Bubble!

(CROWD CHEERS)

Doesn't work, doesn't work. 'Cause the song's Blowing Bubbles.

At least... I know what you're doing. Blow jobs, but...

Sexist!

(INAUDIBLE)

-Question two, Kim. Come on. -(CLEARS THROAT)

Contestant Number Two. Everyone thinks...

Shagadelic, baby. Groovy, oh, yeah. (GIGGLES)

-What was that shit? -Well, don't judge it. Don't slag... Come on.

Let's just have the question. Come on, Kim.

Uh, everyone thinks the character I most resemble is Pussy Galore.

Which character do you resemble?

Austin Powers. That's what I was doing.

Before you...ruined it.

(SILENCE)

Austin Powers.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Kim, your final question...

Okay, Kim, it's time to meet the two that you turned down.

You turned down contestant Number One.

From Big Brother, that is Bubble!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Oh, my God!

Hey, you've lost him. Did you like him? Did you like him?

-Yeah! -Yeah, well, you've lost him I'm afraid.

You also turned down Contestant Two from The Office.

That is of course, David Brent!

Hey! (CACKLES)

(BOTH LAUGH)

-Who the fuck's that? -Who are you?

What have you been on before? Nothing. So don't...

-MAN: Wanker! -You're the wanker, mate, if anyone is!

God...

(SILENCE)

(MUFFLED DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

WOMAN: How do you think that went?

From my point of view, yeah, brilliant.

-Money... -(LAUGHING)

Money for old rope, you know.

But you saw how many idiots were out there, paying eight quid each.

So call me a wanker! They're the wanker. I'm just taking the money.

Uh... They haven't even been on the telly. Do you know what I mean?

(KIM LAUGHS)

Never work with ameurs. I learnt my lesson. Don't know what they're doing.

-KIM: What? What you saying? -So uh...

I'm saying that we knew the answers,

so I'm reading out and I'm doing my bit.

And then she starts going,

(MIMICKING) "What was that shit? What was that shit?"

-What was your shit? -Come on. It's only a bit of fun.

Yeah? If I want advice off you, mate, it'll be about mortgages.

So uh... (GASPS)

Right. Can I retaliate? I can't hit a woman, but I can certainly retaliate.

So can I have some beer, please?

Thank you very much. Do you like it? Oh... Should I put that on you.

Brilliant. Twice. I was already wet, so the joke's on her.

Prick!

Tart!

Oh, I could have...

You should get that dry-cleaned before you take it back.

Huh?

You should get that dry-cleaned before you take it back 'cause they'll...

-They'll take your deposit otherwise. -Do you reckon?

Do you reckon they'll take my deposit if it's ripped? A little bit ripped?

Do you reckon they'll take it if it's a little bit fucking ripped?

You cretin!

(HUFFS)

Do you want another beer?

-Was that my beer? Well... -Yeah.

-Do you want me to get you another one? -Yes!

-I've only got a 20. Have you got any change? -Take it out of that!

(SIGHS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SIGHING)

# So what becomes of you, my love

# When they have finally stripped you of

# The handbags and the gladrags

# That your granddad had to sweat so you could buy #