Original subtitles

Step away from the Tarnation Casket, Baron Thistle.

You cannot stop me, Arbor Knight.

Once the stream is activated,

the negative feedback will rip your world apart.

We have 1.32 minutes before the...

What the fuck is happening?

Are you following any of this?

I'm so lost.

Should we turn the subtitles back on?

- Shh! - ...nano-configuration,

causing the Tarnation Casket to self-implode.

But that's impossible!

Nothing's impossible.

We're the Robo-Trees.

You're Arbor Knight, our leader.

Red Wood, you're the hothead.

Palme D'or, you're our resident super-genius.

Cypress, you're our girlboss boss-lady.

And I'm Tannenbaum, here to get your rears in gear. Whoo.

Did he seriously reintroduce each character?

- This is the ninth movie. - Die, Tannenbaum! You suck!

Guys, you're talking over the whole ending.

This is not over, Robo-Trees.

Your day of reckoning will soon be at hand.

Don't just stand there, Red Wood. He's still in range. Shoot him!

You're literally holding a gun.

Robo-Trees, let's go home.

Yeah. I need a bath.

'Cause I'm stinky.

It's a Maximum Velocitree...

Ugh. Not exactly Citizen Kane.

I kinda loved it.

Oh, God. Rick! What are you doing?

I don't know what to do with these feelings, Jerry.

This used to be my favorite franchise.

Maybe it's time to like something else.

No! I wanna talk to the manager.

- You in charge? - Yeah.

I'm James Gunn.

Hey! Bradley Cooper carved that desk.

What was up with that last Maximum Velocitree?

- You didn't like it? - I thought it was great.

You're ruining my childhood. Which is still ongoing.

Stop eating up screen time with stupid comic relief characters

and put more cool shit in the story!

Guys, I'm a fan too.

Why do you think Warner Bros. put me behind that desk you now owe me?

So you could pitch Batman ideas to yourself?

Exactly.

And you know what I've learned?

Making movies isn't easy.

The next Maximum Velocitree movie has been rewritten 40 times.

Thirty by me.

Now, we'll spend five years and half a billion making it,

but in the end, know what will make fans like you like it?

- A fucking miracle. - No.

What the next Maximum Velocitree film needs is us.

I'd like to see you try--

- Hey! - Time to fix this broken franchise.

Good luck doing anything with that script.

It's watermarked!

I'll get an Uber.

I don't know, this script is pretty good.

- Give that back, Dad. - Whoa, what's that?

The Movie-lizer.

It makes movies at the speed of thought.

I invented it during the title sequence.

Let's see what James Gunn had cookin'.

For the honor of the Robo-Tree.

Time to die.

With the power of friendship!

Yikes. Citizen Kane doesn't strike again.

Oh, he will.

The Movie-lizer uses a prompt-driven CPU.

I just type whatever tweaks I want, and it auto-generates the rest.

Hell yeah. Make it lose that bad guy.

Baron Thistle hasn't been cool since the third movie.

Let's kill two birds with one prompt.

Till we meet again, Robo-Trees.

Wait. Where did this gun come from?

Whoopsie.

Hey. That man was unarmed.

Yeah, man. Uncool.

It was an accident.

- So awesome. They hate him. - Here. Watch this.

I sentence you to life in prison

for unlicensed murder.

Oh, please.

Isn't some of the stuff you're messing with important?

Oh, fuck the fuck off, Jerry.

That formula-driven, "Save the Cat" bullshit

is what killed the last couple of movies.

That's right, Morty.

We're gonna make the people care about the Robo-Trees again.

Movie-lizer, make us care.

Where are we?

Oh, shit. Morty, look.

Oh my God.

It's Robo-Tree Headquarters.

Wait, how... how is this happening?

- Intruders! - Let's go.

Stop them.

Fuck. The Movie-lizer Last Action Hero'd us.

We're characters in the movie now, Morty.

- It hurts. - Are you guys okay?

I mean, I can see you're being shot at.

Dad? Holy shit,

I can hear your internal dialogue in my head.

Is the machine supposed to work like this?

No. The Movie-lizer malfunctioned.

Now the Robo-Trees are trying to kill us.

Really? Uh, let me try something.

- What the hell is this? - A 2007 Kia Spectra.

I thought you could use a cool getaway car.

- Are you kidding me? This car sucks. - The joke's on you.

Edmunds Car Report gave it three stars.

It's a family sedan! Shoot it!

Better than nothing. Let's go.

How are we gonna get outta here?

The Movie-lizer might eject us once the story is over.

Jerry, type that we skip to the end, and everything works out.

I don't think I can, guys.

It says the script is 3,000 pages and counting.

Also, there's an error-thing bleeping that says,

"antagonist not found" and "no third act."

Without an ending, you'll be stuck in the movie forever.

God damn it.

You cut a bunch of stuff out willy-nilly.

What did you expect?

Look, I understand story. Let me just put everything back

-that you took out and-- - Jerry, stop.

You'll only make things worse. You're a terrible writer,

and you should never, ever get on the keys.

Well, excuse me for living.

Alright, we killed the villain, gotta undo that.

Didn't they use lightning to bring George Washington back to life

in Maximum VelociThree: Tell No Lies?

Hold on. The machine doesn't hate that...

See? This is going to work.

We'll bring back Baron Thistle and give this stupid thing an ending.

Use your blinker! Fuck off!

Okay, all we need now is a little lightning.

- We're back, baby! - It worked.

Look out! Zombie!

Dude. We just brought him back.

Fucker bit you.

Wait! The Movie-lizer is detecting a new antagonist.

I don't see any--

Guys, this new character has given you

a 20.5% better chance of ending the movie.

- But I am in pain. - So we're back on course?

Sort of. You still need a third act.

In the original draft, Baron Thistle was gonna

kill Tannenbaum in front of the Robo-Trees...

That would've been a cool ending.

Maybe Son of Thistle could finish what his father started?

You do kinda look like him.

You want me to kill Tannenbaum?

Whatever works.

Okay, I'll break Tannenbaum out of jail,

reunite him with the Robo-Trees, and then Morty will kill him.

Does the machine recognize that as an ending?

Hold on.

It does! Kinda bleak, though.

Shut up. I'm off to a jailbreak.

What the hell am I supposed to do?

You're the new bad guy.

Hook up with the Hench-Weeds and give the Robo-Trees

something to stop.

- Something to stop? What's that mean? - See you in the third act!

Extra creatine, please.

- Yo, James Gunn. - Oh. Hi, Zack Snyder.

Just saw your new cut of Superman, and word of advice,

he's the Man of Steel, not the Man of Conversation.

- Okay. - Do more shots of him punching.

And here's a secret move.

Start the punch at regular speed,

and then you're gonna ramp it down.

It's not a fucking secret!

I'm sorry, Zack Snyder.

I shouldn't be lashing out at you. Your biceps are the size of my head.

Yes, but so is my heart. What's going on with you?

Some fan of the Velocitree franchise got onto the lot today.

He used a portal, and he just...

Zack, we're not losing touch with the audience, are we?

I mean, I gave notes on the goddamn Count Chocula movie

- this morning-- - Was the portal green?

That's Rick Sanchez.

Gunner, that's the guy that sealed Nolan

in the giant bookcase

to quote-unquote punish him for Interstellar.

He doesn't represent real fans.

He's just the smartest man in the universe.

Don't sweat it. He can't do what we do.

Probably.

Gonna go crush some weights.

One day you're gonna wish you hit the gym

like I do, James Gunn.

Hello?

Is this Baron Thistle's evil base?

Not anymore. We're packing it in.

Gonna try to sell all this stuff on my girlfriend's Etsy site.

Everyone, listen up.

I'm here to get this place back up and running.

I am the Son of Thistle!

He does sorta have the same jacket.

And his head is also a cactus.

That's all the proof I need!

Tell us what to do.

Well, what were y'all doing before Baron Thistle died?

Oh. You know. Doomsday plan.

We were gonna melt the ice caps.

Spent months on the blueprints,

not that your dad ever said, "Thank you."

- What's your name? - Samantha.

It sucks when your boss never says thank you, Samantha.

But under me, everyone will feel appreciated.

Samantha, I am putting you in charge

of Operation: Complete and Total Polar Cap Destruction.

Thank you, sir. I've been feeling so low lately.

I think it's 'cause my mom forgot my birthday.

Samantha, that will never happen again.

I'm your Mom now.

Now, let's melt some ice caps!

See? My Son of Thistle idea did work.

Son of a bitch did it. He made a movie machine.

Says it right on the side.

- Hello? - Hi, there.

It's me. Your wife.

Here's your prison food, new guy.

What you in for?

The fastest crime I could commit.

Any of you see an annoying little bitch of a Christmas tree?

Oh, please. Oh, please, don't beat me.

I won't. I'm here to rescue you.

- I'm not worth rescuing. - Huh?

I suck. I say dumb catchphrases.

I look like a toy designed for kids.

I'm a fucking idiot.

Wow. More self-aware than I thought.

But come on, everyone sucks until they don't.

That's the arc of every good story.

- It is? - Here's the plan.

I'll start a riot and we sneak out.

I know you're not a fighter, but--

When do we start?

Oh.

- Right now. - Good.

Take that back, asshole.

I'll take it back when I stop fucking your mother.

Save some punching for the rest of us.

Lunch is ruined.

Whoa. Cool.

Get your fucking rear in gear.

I really miss you.

I miss my hubby.

Why don't you come into the kitchen?

Sure. But why are you calling from a different phone number?

It's a burner phone for spam calls.

Come into the kitchen for some lemonade.

Oh, wow. Can't pass up lemonade.

The Movie-lizer is mine.

No one's more creative than James Gunn.

God damn it. We're stuck.

No, we're not, Rick.

Grab my stump.

- Yeah! - Whoa!

Holy shit. That was awesome.

And so was that.

- Whoo-hoo! Yeah! - Job well done.

- Alright! - Thank the squirrels you're safe!

Thank Rick Sanchez. He did everything.

You did a lot too.

Definitely more than I expected.

Rick, I wanna thank you for rescuing me.

Here. I want you to have this.

It's a piece of me.

Oh, thanks.

Is this, like, one of your balls?

Robo-Trees, something messed up is going viral

all over Twit-Tok.

Hello, Earth. I'm the Son of Thistle,

and I'm just like my dad, so I'ma Doomsdayin'.

Samantha, tell the people what we're gonna do.

We're gonna wipe out the polar ice caps

'cause they suck!

Does the Movie-lizer still think we're on track?

Jerry?

- Jerry? - It's fuckin' heavy!

Shoulda listened to Snyder.

Right on cue.

Weeds, attack!

Robo-Trees, let's stomp that prick.

Where the hell is Tannenbaum?

- Dude, where is he? - On the ship.

Turns out, Tannenbaum's an alright guy.

He's kinda my favorite character now.

What? Look at me! I'm a fucking cactus!

Relax. Trust the process.

Oh my God, you're re-breaking the story again?

I wanna go home! And I didn't even think

the last Maximum Velocitree was all that bad.

You said it wasn't Citizen Kane.

I'm 14! I've never seen Citizen Kane!

Now, listen to me, you stupid old man!

You're gonna bring Tannenbaum here,

and I'm gonna shoot him in the goddamn head

just like we planned!

Okay, okay! I'll help you kill him.

- You're gonna do what? - Mom?

You're in cahoots with the Robo-Trees?

- Samantha, let me explain. - Okay. Go ahead.

Shit, she called my bluff. Run!

Get them!

- Dad, help. - Your dad's not fuckin' answering.

That's because he's in the kitchen, talking to his wife.

- James Gunn? - James Gunn?

- That's right. - James Gunn?

- Just walk away, man. Walk away. - But...

I read that dinosaur book you wrote, Jerry.

- Really good stuff. - You did?

Well, I got the gist. Maybe we could do business together?

Two-picture deal?

- Dad, no! - Don't do it! We need you!

That's it, Jerry. Give in to Hollywood.

You know how to really succeed in this town?

By turning your back on family.

I don't like that.

No! You could've had it all!

Guys, I'm back.

Jeez Louise, what did you do? The story's gone linear.

We pissed off the good guys and the bad guys.

Rick likes Tannenbaum now.

- I just think he's interesting. - We need a new ending.

I literally wrote us into a corner.

You gotta write us outta here, Jerry.

Me? You said I was a terrible writer

who should never, ever, ever, ever, ever--

I didn't say that many "evers." Listen, Jerry.

Any idiot can plug an idea into a machine

when they don't care what it spits back out,

but it takes a special kind of idiot

to get on the keys and write us an ending.

You're that idiot.

But how?

It's always been right in front of you.

Go over to my workbench.

Alright. I'm there.

Open the third drawer on the right and reach way back.

There should be a small orange bottle.

What is it? Some sci-fi device?

Better. It's magic.

Don't take more than two, drink lots of water,

and remember to blink.

I now pronounce you two both guilty and dead.

Aw, jeez. Dad? Help.

Then, as fate would have it,

a very large air vent opened beneath them.

Our heroes escape execution via the large vented air vent.

As fate would have it, this is a direct path to the outside.

Slam cut to exterior: New York, day.

New York?

Why are we in New York?

Stop micromanaging me!

Then, as fate would have it,

a high-octane Lamborgina pulls up.

Whoopsie, forgot how to drive.

Here, kid, catch.

Whoa. The Adderall is hittin'.

Get in the car!

Okay, Jerry, now get us to the climax.

Nerth Pole?

That's where Samantha built the super weapon!

Dad's trying to get us back on course.

Hang on.

Yes! We've got curvature!

Guessing that's your doomsday weapon.

We're nearin' the end of the movie.

Damn. Samantha built it fast.

I guess supporting those beneath you--

Here they come!

We have 1.63 minutes before the melting polar ice caps

reach the point of no return.

- We got company. - Stop that traitor.

Shit, Morty, I think I figured out the best ending yet.

Hello, Mother.

You deal with that. I don't know what that's about.

Come and get me, trees.

Samantha, hey. Beautiful job on the weapon thing.

I thought you actually liked my evil plan.

But let's face it, you're no mother.

You're just a bad guy.

Step away from that super weapon.

- Let's blast him. - For once, I agree with you.

Stop! Don't shoot! He's a good man!

He saved me.

- No. I'm bad. - Huh?

I only rescued you so I could have you killed.

I hate you, Tannenbaum. You look like a toy.

- Die already! - Gun!

See you... next... summer.

Wait. No. No!

You saved the world from another unarmed man.

Oh no. They died?

Sometimes, saving the world requires complex decisions.

Decisions made by a true leader.

Hail, Tannen-Knight, leader of the Robo-Trees.

They did it. What an ending.

They outdone the Gunn.

- We're back. Oh my God! - We're alive!

We were dead in the movie! Actually dead.

Wow, Dad. Looks like us dying really affected you.

No, he just forgot to blink.

Still. I admit it. Making movies is hard.

From now on, I'm just gonna be an impossible-to-please fan.

You said it! Let's go troll some comment sections.

Oh God, where did James Gunn go?

Fuck James Gunn. Where's the goddamn hard drive?

I'm telling you, Mr. Brothers, they cracked the code.

This won't just put butts in seats and sell popcorn,

it will give people hope.

It could save Hollywood. It could change everything.

Nice work, Mr. Gunn. Give the man a sundae.

Ooh, I love sundaes.

Why was it called a sundae?

It's a Maximum Velocitree

Robotic trees against adversity

It's not rocket science or geometry

So sit on back and watch the movie

Five trees against a cactus man

Next summer, we'll be back again

Gotta fill our content demand

If domestic tanks, there's always Japan

All we need is friendship and sunshine

Choking on a wild vine

No one stops us growing from the ground up

Baron Thistle and his Hench-Weeds lookin' like some bad seeds

Now Velocitrees are gonna round up

They have a tendency to fight tyrannic succulents

They have a tendency for kicking plant ass

It's a Maximum Velocitree

Okay, Jerry. All set.

But for the record, I do not condone using the Movie-lizer in this way.

Hear that, Dad? You're good to go.

Can't believe I'm actually inside Space Jam 7.

Oh, hey, LeBron. Still doing this, huh?

Let's get outta here.

Hey, guys. You know how I've been writing raptor porn on the side?

I'm ready to share it with the world.

Oh, well, guess I'll just leave it on this machine

till they come back.

Guys? You still there? Oh no.

Dear God. What is that?

Stop! Let go of me!

What are you doing? Stop!

Don't just stand there, Speedy Gonzales.

Do something!

Did you get any of that?