Original subtitles

The raccoons will be right back.

Hey, you ever thought about taking drugs?

I don't know. I never really thought about it.

Think hard.

The choice is yours.

What do you think?

No, it's just not worth the time.

Birdie, what the hell was that?

Are you having a nightmare?

Look at this.

What have you done to the couch?

I kicked it off.

Isn't this what you like? I'm trying to remember when you were sick.

Why don't we take some medication?

Maybe I can go to the corner store and get you some drugs, man.

Quite a reaction.

I'm not putting any drugs on my body. I'm not turning into a junkie on the

street. A junkie on the street? We're talking about Tylenol, cold, and flu.

I'm just saying no. How else are you going to recover? I want to do a nice

effing plan.

Come on, let me just... I want to have a video game day.

You're obsessed!

Video game day. Your mom was right about you.

She warned me. Oh, be careful. Jay's going to go through the games learning

glitches and hacks.

So what?

I'm sick.

Okay, sure.

Because you're sick, you get what you want.

Great controller.

It's the best one.

Okay.

How do I hook this up again?

It's pretty easy. First, power.

Plug it in. That's not an extension cord. Oh, why? You think there's going

be... We have some fluctuations?

You're messing up the electricity.

I'm not messing up anything.

Okay, give me a second here.

Okay. Yeah, okay. So, video, white. How about you listen to me tell you how to

do it? Video, El Mono, R.

Phone. There's three and three. I know what they stand for.

R -C -A. Coordinate the colors together. Okay. Stop!

What are you doing? How are you getting shot?

You know what? If with no chit -chat, it'd be done in a slickly splint.

I got it!

No.

Stop!

What are you doing?

Are they fried?

You fried the RCA's. I was the one who said take some medicine and you could

have given me better instructions. They're color coordinated.

You were saying... I'm sick.

Idiot. Okay, I'll go to ANC Games and get new RCA cables for you. Get me some

candy or something.

Get some what?

Candy.

You're pushing it, man.

You're really pushing it. Go!

Ah, good and plenty candy.

Cold effects.

Something for a cold? Yeah, something for a cold. For an adult? For an adult,

yeah, for an adult, except he doesn't like taking medication. He's very anti

-drugs.

Do you have a garbage back there?

No,

because I want to dump the candy out, and I'm going to replace it with the

drugs. Cool.

Okay. Perfect.

Sorry,

man. Hi.

Do you guys have RCA cables for Nintendo 64?

Absolutely. Thank you so much.

GoldenEye Speedrun Tournament.

The prize is a show.

Winner will be invited to appear on the Rivoli show.

Is that real?

Yeah, I don't know exactly.

what they are doing we just host them uh we just like have the bait for it and

then they are running it back what's the speed run what is the speed doing

something as fast as humanly possible sometimes using glitches and hacks in

order to get to the end bird

I just got the most incredible news of my life. You got the RCA cables.

I'll hook it up this time. Okay, I went into ANC Games to try to get the RCA

cables. And I'm like, okay, yeah, paying, no problem. Pick up the cash,

pay, look down, something catches my eye. Huh? I look at his poster, Bond,

and white. He's looking with the gun out like this. My interest is not piqued,

but as I often do, I continued reading.

Goldeneye, speed run tournament.

Beat the whole game. The person who finishes it the fastest gets to show at

Rivoli. What? And then I'm thinking, who do I know who's going to GoldenEye?

You! It's a 64 game. Nobody's having a tournament. I know it seems like one of

those crazy things. I come home yelling it and you're like, there's no way I

believe that.

This time it's true. I did the whole thing. Pinch myself.

Pretend to fly.

Is it a dream? I'm in a dream. Ask Jared. Remember, I was saying. Why would

be filming me in my dream? Hey, fine, fine, fine. Just fine.

It doesn't matter.

Look at me.

I'm totally sick. I'm useless.

I can't play tournament.

Doesn't matter how good I am.

Sick.

What's that?

Oh, some candies I got for you.

It's not a trick?

No.

What flavor is it?

That's...

Good and plenty.

so we got dossier mission files okay for starting stage one damn oh you're

already there damn got the intended power i'm going okay so the goal is beat

entire game as fast as possible yes i understand all right and i'll help you

so first of all you want to run down this sort of narrow passageway and it

like there's a green truck oh did you already passed it what the hell god damn

he's fast i've been training for this my entire life I mean, if it's not

obvious, this is the greatest plan we've ever come up with.

Actually, wait a minute. We didn't even come up with a plan. It's like the plan

found us. What's it called? Manifest?

Manifest.

It's like God is smiling down upon us today.

It's a day of miracles.

There's no way you don't win this tournament. I mean, at this point,

something would have to go horrifically wrong. Like we would have needed to have

overlooked something unbelievably major or a, what's it, a wrench in the works?

What are you doing?

Shoot the lock, man.

Shoot the lock!

You know what?

Let's just take a quick five minute. Take a break. Rest the eyes.

We just started.

What the hell is wrong with you?

It's a drug, you know.

Make them throw you.

How many of those candies did you have, Bird?

How many have you eaten?

I don't know.

Almost the whole box.

Okay. Remember this morning when you said you didn't want to take drugs?

I'm never going to do drugs. Right.

If I ever did drugs, I would never be able to forgive myself.

If somebody else was involved, I'd never forgive them either.

Okay.

Hey, I got an idea. Why don't we let's do a quick rehearsal?

That's a good idea.

Right, speed up. Oh, I know. Let's get a suggestion from the audience, okay?

Perfect. What's a fast song? I want to hear the X -Men animated series theme

song. Who said that? I know that one. Very fast song.

Let's hit it.

We got him back.

Okay. Let me get some goldeneye going.

Bird. No. Remember?

Yeah.

Da -da -da.

Da

-da

-da -da.

The big run around the...

After, they're crying now.

The crowd's crying. They say, please, this whole plan is going to be over

you can speed it up.

It did seem too good to be true, didn't it? The Rivoli tournament.

We win, get the Rivoli show. I mean, who am I kidding? Maybe I did dream that.

This is absurd.

I didn't even know cold meds could do this.

Right? That makes no sense at any level.

What he needed was, imagine the candy gave him energy.

We're going to buy some speed.

Speed? You got speed? Sound like speed?

We're having church. We're having dinner. No, I'm in the middle of

I'm trying to find some speed from somebody.

You know, I used to be homeless and addicted to the streets of Toronto.

Right. I used to be addicted to methamphetamine. God set me free and

me of it. I haven't done that stuff in four years.

Right, okay. The speed's not for me, though. It's actually for a friend. I'm

trying to speed him up for a video game tournament. I used to be the same thing.

Oh, no, literally it's not for me. No, I'm not kidding. I know maybe I seem

a drug addict, but I'm actually just buying it so I can fool my friend into

winning a GoldenEye tournament.

GoldenEye? Yeah, you know GoldenEye 64?

You ever played it? Yeah. Yeah, so they're having one at ANC Games. I don't

that drug on anybody, though.

Just bring them a coffee. A coffee would be much better. We've had issues with

that before. It'll put them right to sleep.

That's the issue we're dealing with right now. God bless you, man. You too.

to meet you. Wish us luck.

I'm looking for some speed.

You have some? Yeah, you got it.

Sure, sure.

Can we do 200?

Okay, so now I just give you money?

Okay.

Matt, nice to meet you.

There you go. Okay, thank you.

She won't say anything now. Yeah, I won't. Perfect.

Thanks a lot. Yes, right on.

How you doing, man?

Great.

We are going to register.

Cool, go for it. Thank you very much.

Hey, how you doing? Hey,

is it sign up for the GoldenEye tournament?

Yeah.

Everybody back there ready for some GoldenEye?

All right, guys. Okay. It's our way to do it here. I'm here to pilot you all.

Watching on the stream.

Hey,

are we late?

Hurry up, man.

Is there space for one more to join the tournament?

$15 from Taylor. I lost my boyfriend to cancer. Time to get revenge.

Kill the animals.

I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Okay, so, what we're doing here?

GoldenEye tournament.

Hey, you know what we're doing here?

I think I'm too tired for this.

Okay, well, that's too bad because I've got a couple more candies.

What flavor are they?

This is...

You know what juicy fruit?

What?

Exactly.

Are we ready to get going here, I guess? I'll just be waiting over there. Good

luck.

I'm trying to think.

Let's see what happens.

All right, so I'm seeing the officials giving me the... To be okay to start the

race. All the runners are ready. Okay, we're going to start. I'm going to count

down from five.

Everyone's on the start page. I'm going to count down from five.

Five, four, three, two, one, go.

We're right out of the gate, and it looks like the bird is in the lead. Got

do a good start here on the dam.

Ooh. It looks like the others in the race are a little bit far behind having

trouble with the gate.

But going down, the birds can have a really good grasp of how to play damn.

Man, who's saying drugs are bad? What were they saying?

What was that Fresh Prince episode about?

Trying to say that it's not good.

Carl Tannis. Look at him.

Look at him go.

Yes, bird.

You want to cut through the guard. It's almost like cutting through butter with

a hot knife.

Just use your gun like a knife.

All right, moving here.

through the terrain level, one of the more complicated levels. This is not the

Rivoli show. It's a show for bands and musicians.

We're a band.

Yeah, quite badly.

So we're going to watch the players probably kill a lot of guards.

Um, the bird, the bird, if you stop playing for, it looked like you stopped

one second or so, you let go of the straight button, but it looked like

GoldenGuy is now ahead by a few seconds.

Three to five seconds. What?

GoldenGuy is basically through saving Natalia and out to train.

Um, this is absolutely massive.

GoldenGuy is now ahead.

Okay, we got it, man. That guy over there is beautiful.

He's like a fool. Doesn't matter. I'm the fastest motherfucker in the world

right now. Just watch this. Ah!

Okay, we need a new plan. A day of miracles.

I woke up thick, and then I got healthy. Yeah, I just started trying to burn the

RCA cables.

Then you got new RCA cables, and you found out about the tournament.

Now we're going to win the tournament.

Then we're going to have a show.

Then you and I are going to have a nice, happy life together. Did you say we're

going to have a happy life together?

I'm just excited.

I'll be right back. I have an idea.

You guys don't have any scissors here, do you?

Just coming into the end of Tavern Pier, just about to go through the doorway

and start Cradle.

The lead does look insurmountable, but Cradle will be the tell.

We'll see if GoldenEye can bring this home.

It's freezing in here.

What was it? Red wire, yellow wire.

White, white, white.

The golden guy, you know, holding on to that.

Fuck. Really clean headshot there. This is over in about 15 seconds from now.

It's red.

This is a red.

This is a red. Hey, listen to me.

How about you listen to me tell you how to do it?

Hold up the yellow one.

That's your video.

Five, four, three, two...

The bird is defeating Trevelyan here. The bird is killing Trevelyan. I've

it sounds like Bullguy's console is dead.

The bird is done.

Has the bird won the race?

You know what? I'm going to go talk to the guy. Get the prize.

Okay.

I've never seen anything. That was incredible.

That was absolutely insane.

Congratulations. Thank you so much. I'm really looking forward to having you

guys come on my show.

Okay, what do you mean? What do you mean, on your show?

That was first place.

Are you a musician?

No, so you guys get to be on my podcast.

That was part of first place.

Okay, I'm completely confused.

Your podcast? I have a podcast called Rival One. It's about Goldeneye and the

run.

I mean, you don't have to be on it if you guys don't want to, but you're

certainly invited.

So you spell it Rival...

The number one numeral. Yeah.

And it was a reading error on my part.

I won.

Congratulations, guys. Yes. Thank you. Hey, Jay.

Jay?

Jay? Hey, Jay, what are you doing?

Jay?

What does happen if you take too much speed?

You can over -amp and die.

Over -amp.

Your heart goes too fast and explodes.

Oh, no, Jay. Oh, no, Jay.

Jay, Jay, Jay.

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I have an emergency at ANC Games. My friend is, I think, having a drug

Great job, guys, for that fantastic student of Goldeneye.

Jay, where?

Hey, hey, hey, you all right? What happened?

You're in a hospital.

What?

What happened to me?

Yeah, that's what's got me confused. I must have blacked out. Well, you passed

out, and then the doctor's here saying that you had a drug overdose or

something.

I have a drug overdose. I don't take drugs. You know that. That's what

saying. I said, no way. My friend is not taking drugs. Do you tell them that?

I went to bat for you, and then... So the joke's on them. Then they did the

stomach pump, and they were like... What? Hold on, wait, what? I had to sign

fucking thing. Why'd you let them pump my stomach? Well, because they said,

otherwise you're going to die.

Oh! And it wasn't through the... See, I thought it was going to be simple, like

this. Oh!

Is there a doctor or a nurse or someone?

Please? Okay, listen, let me tell you what happened. I switched the candy that

you were eating for speed.

I gave you drugs.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, man.

There's this one famous story, the story about a couple named Sam and Tolkien, a

Mormon couple, 18, 19 years old. The wife, Tolkien, she starts drinking and

partying, and Sam, the husband, does not like this. Mormon?

That's not even allowed, is it? No.

So I believe at one point Sam went to go commentate a run, sit on a couch for a

friend. Oh, no. And Tolkien got freaky with a banjo kazooie runner, Stivity

Bobo. And this caused an endless firestorm of drama in the community.

some of these other people doing in here?

I think they're working.

Like music jobs, like real jobs.

Man, like jingles and commercial music and film music. Music is a big industry.

It's a multi -billion dollar industry, I think, probably.

Maybe trillions, I don't know. It could be a lot of money.

You know, think about it, how much these artists make, you know?

Billions.

Do musicians work here?

Been thinking a lot today.

Been thinking a lot today.