Original subtitles

Not spicy.

There. Okay, yeah. The pepper.

Add.

Spice.

Okay, Jay, I figured it out.

Okay, I got it. Listen to this. You go. Actually, I'm going out tonight.

I'm saying this plan is for tonight.

I'm going to a party.

Say what?

I know you have a plan and it sounds great. I can't wait to hear the plan. I

don't have a plan. I have the plan.

I have got the plan. I figured it out. Yeah, not tonight. I have plans tonight.

Okay, what do you mean, going to a party? Going to a party. I'm going to a

party. You're invited to a party. Can I go to the party? What are we doing?

Am I getting permission from you to go to a party? No, no, no. Here's the

I'm so confused because here I am coming up with the plan and I've got it.

And I'm thinking, all right, my best friend's coming downstairs. Time to tell

him the plan. We're working to get this show.

And I figured it out after years.

And... Matt,

I'm just going to do my own thing tonight.

Do your own thing?

Yeah.

Is that okay with you?

Yes, my man.

Yes, it is.

You know, we see each other every day.

Yes.

Kind of getting sick of it.

It is getting to the point where you want to... Do these guys know anybody

We need a break.

Right?

Where are the women?

Where are the women?

What do you think is going to happen? You try to cross here, eye, pull a knife

out of a place you can't see.

Right?

Surprise.

Hidden blade.

I got to go.

Yeah, exactly.

Okay, have a good time at the party.

All right.

Okay.

Hey, I'll see you when you get back. Have a good time.

I'm sorry.

Just doing his own thing.

Makes sense.

Hey,

how you doing? Good, how are you? Good.

Uh,

yeah, I am, uh...

This is like a musician party, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I just knew that there was a bunch of musicians here, and I'm a musician

as well.

And I was actually hoping to do a little bit of networking.

Right.

This is my friend here.

How are you doing?

You're late.

What do you mean I'm late?

For the party.

Are you fucking with me?

Uh...

Must be nice.

Which one are you going for?

It's amazing they don't know it's their dad and they don't know how is it

possible the most unrealistic How does your own

wife the kids not recognize it's you got a little disguise on

don't see through.

Don't follow me.

I'm Jay.

I'm in a band.

I'm one half of my band, but I'm not with that other half tonight just

because we can...

No, just because we can do our own thing and we're not attached to the hip or

anything.

No,

we didn't break up. I'm just out doing my own thing tonight.

I feel good about it. I feel like we can get back together.

I feel like you guys are just making fun of me. We are.

Well, did you know that I was one of those you left behind? You were up and

without a goodbye.

They all said that you were not the kind to stick around. I only wish I'd known

that it was time.

The evening's on the highway coming down to be with... Do I know that man?

Do I know you?

No, no, I don't think so. Yeah, no, are you...

We've never met before, man.

Oh, my God.

Fuck.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, okay.

You're Steve Coogan.

You're Steve Coogan, aren't you?

The actor Steve Coogan.

Right? Aren't you?

No, you got it wrong. But pretty close, man. What's your name?

This is the guy. I met him tonight.

Yeah. Well,

I mean, we've tried a bunch of times. I feel like we're close.

So then what you need... It's a plan. Come here.

I need a plan. I know.

And I just happen to have the exact plan for you.

Matt.

Matt. Wake up.

Wake up.

Matt. Matt. Matt. You're going to want to hear this.

Whoa.

Hi, Birdman. What are you out of breath for?

I'm having a nightmare where I was running after a big piece of cheese.

got it.

What's up? How you doing? I have a plan to get a show.

What a wake -up. Is this a dream? Here. All right.

So, this plan... First, you know what? I'm just going to start writing

it down.

Yeah, exactly.

And that'll help me remember the plan.

Remember the plan? You're saying you don't remember the plan that you just

up with?

Believe me, it's my plan.

It came from my mind. I know.

I... I think I'll have no problem remembering it. So tell me the plan, and

we can maybe even go do the plan today. Start with step one.

Okay, so you... The Rivoli, probably. Yeah,

go to the Rivoli. Remember, the Rivoli has a restaurant in the front of it.

We sip the restaurant.

To have a meal. Wow.

Oh, my God. Okay. That's genius.

So we've never done that. Did you know that there was a restaurant at the

Ripley? At the front.

Very popular.

Step three.

Step three.

What was step two? We're at the restaurant. Step one was go to the

That's right. Well, these can be interchangeable.

You know what?

That's sort of redundant.

I got to stop this.

You're making a fool of yourself.

Okay.

Look. Matt,

stop.

I'm about to admit something.

Oh, not bigger than this. I mean, who knows? Maybe you're saying, yeah, like

vagina instead of a penis, something massive, but... This plan?

It's not mine.

It's Tony's.

Oh.

Oh! Oh!

Jay, well, why did you try to take credit for it? I guess you're wondering

Tony is, huh? Maybe I can help you fill in the gaps... And I think I know who

can help us figure this out.

Me! I will... Well, how are you going to get Tony to help you figure this out?

Call him. But what do you mean, call Tony? He doesn't have a... So just give

your phone number. Oh, you want a phone number? Yeah, I'm going to put it down

in my contact list. Are you wondering if I've got a phone?

You may want to lose!

So now I'm just going to click on his name and call mobile.

Oh, I've got to go to the bathroom outside.

Calling.

mobile hello tony here tony it's jay man what a wild night we had

let me guess you forgot the plan already yeah i do need help with the plan

imagine that you're at a board just write this down all right yeah oh yeah

right at the board right now order mild pad thai extra mild okay anything hotter

than pepper yeah i got it Then you have Matt sneak into the kitchen.

All right. Put cayenne pepper on the pad thai. Spice it up. Oh, you... Oh, hold

on. I've got an order here.

Is this for eats? Tony, what are you doing? Yeah, that's us.

Thank you, man. What's going on?

Okay, so... Hold on. Hey, Tony. Shoot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The plan, right. Yeah, the plan, yeah.

Once you... Oh, Jesus Christ.

You spice it. Then, when he comes back, eat it.

And you go, my God, this is spicy as hell. I said I was allergic to spice.

Right. Then you threaten to sue.

Right, then we sue them. Unless they give you and Matt a show.

Never wanted the band. Did you tell me that was the name of your band? I

you did.

Why don't you come along?

No, no, no. This is your plan.

Nobody knows the plan better than you do. No, you don't need me. You got you

and... Plus, I want you to meet Matt.

He's my best friend, and he's the only other person in the world who's as cool

as you.

That's an awful nice thing to say.

It would mean a lot to me if I could show him how cool you were.

Okay, what the hell? All right, I'll see you there.

Tony's coming.

Matt. Bertie.

Fuck, man.

Fuck. Matt.

Matt.

Matt! Hey!

How did your phone call with Tony go?

Great. He's coming.

Oh, I knew that.

Yeah. You did?

Oh, no, no, no.

Hey!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Tony might already be in there.

Jesus Christ.

Wow.

Okay. All right.

Oh, my goodness. Well, if it isn't my good friend, Tony. How are you, man?

Good. Hey, look at us, man.

What are you doing?

Yes, exactly.

Have you ordered the food already? Well, you know, we can have a couple of

drinks. No, we've got to get an order.

Come on, let's get a little smoke.

Let's do some small tie.

How you doing?

Yes, please.

And actually, I think he knows what he wants to order right now.

Okay, I'll have a pad tie.

And, oh, yeah, and if you can make that mild, that would be great. No, no, no,

no, no, no. It really has to be mild, right? I mean, is that what you want?

Right.

You're allergic to spice. I'm allergic to spice, so I have to make it as mild

possible. Thank you so much.

Mild as a child.

No, I had the same thing.

Mild? Thank you so much. Thank you.

Okay, good.

We did it.

You know what, Matt's probably back there spicing it up right now.

Say again?

Matt's probably back there spicing it up right now.

Ah, will you excuse me one minute?

Small talk. Can you just, I'll be back in one minute. Go to the bathroom.

Go to the bathroom. Thank you, thank you, thank you. All right.

Oh, God.

Oh, this is too hard.

God.

Chef.

How you guys doing?

Not too bad, yes.

Good. I'm a chef at the Rivoli. Just a bit late for work.

Oh, sorry.

Hot jambalaya.

My God.

Do you know what? I think it was the what one.

What?

Oh, damn.

That?

Uh, I can explain.

Okay, so... What in God's name are you doing dressed like a chef sitting with

me? You're going to ruin Tony's plan!

Right.

Oh, my God. Dude, the number of times we have been like this close to me

getting... You can see in here the chef and the whole thing.

Exactly. Okay, I'm getting out of here. Don't worry. Pretend you didn't see. I

knew you were going to screw this plan up.

I knew it.

Tony warned me about you.

He said you're a fuck -up.

Tony said I'm a fuck -up. He said you're an idiot.

He said you're a loser holding me back from my true potential.

Really? Yes.

He said you're weak.

Can't fuck.

Tony said that. Yeah, Tony said that.

It's starting to make a lot of sense, too.

Okay.

Tony.

Oh, he's better than that.

What's that?

No, no.

Okay,

look.

I've decided I don't want to be your friend anymore.

Time for me to keep on rolling, you know what I mean? All right, slow down a

little bit. Once this plan is done, you and me are finished.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

But hey, you've got a lot to look forward to. You've got this plan. I'm

get you a shower, so just take a bite. And you don't need to worry about me

anymore. Come on.

I'm just going to do my own thing from now on.

You don't need to worry about me. Worry about Tony. I'm going to do my own

thing. My own thing.

I'm just going to do my own thing tonight.

Eat the shrimp, man. Go ahead.

I gotta go.

What? Gotta go? What do you mean, gotta go?

I gotta go apologize to my best friend.

For what? What do you mean? Tony, you made me realize I hurt my friend's

feelings really badly this morning, and so I gotta go find him. No, no, no, no.

Bernie, you gotta take one bite. You know what? For God's sake. Sorry. You

cover up the thing. No plan until I apologize.

What do I do? Okay, I'll eat it. I'll eat it then. Fine. I'll do it myself.

Tony.

The plan doesn't work. You ask them for it to be spicy.

Remember? I'll have the same thing.

Mild? Thank you so much.

Oh, sorry. Did you say mild?

Yeah. No, I'll have it spicy as hell.

Okay.

You okay?

Are you joking?

Tony, are you joking?

Are you choking for real?

Hey, for real, are you choking?

Hey, hey, hey.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Come on.

One, two, three.

It was a shrimp.

Oh, God.

Tony!

Nice to meet you, man. Thanks for the plan, Tony. Anytime.

All right.

Good luck. I wish we could hang out more.

Have a good one. Bye.

Let's party.

500, 600, 700, 800.

Come on, we're hanging out with me.

You're hanging out with me.

We were shocking you.

You know what I want to tell you?

Nice

meeting

you, man. Nice meeting you too, Tony. Remember what I told you, all right? I

will. Hey, Tony.

Yes, ma 'am.

Thanks for being nice to me tonight.

You don't worry about a thing.

Good meeting you.

Okay, Tony, bye.

I'm leaving forever.

Do you want Uber Eats? What? Yeah. Do you?

Okay, I'm going to order it for both of us.

He's not