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I am Katsumi.

I am a samurai.

I am Katsumi.

I am the samurai.

There he is.

Guess what, you stupid Jap?

You owe us a 100 bucks.

The drugs you sold us sucked!

Hey, you better have it by tonight.

By tonight!

Get wracked man, look into the mirror.

It's no joke, Jap.

It's no joke, Jap.

It's a 100 bucks!

It's not a joke, Jap.

You owe us 100 bucks!

Want it?

You want it?

You Jap!

You're a Jap!

We want our money today!

Hi, Katsumi.

Oh, your hair looks terrible.

Why don't run a comb through it?

Comb?

What's that?

I got to go.

-Wait!

You got a letter today, from the community college.

-Ma, I don't want to go to college.

It's a load of crap...

straight out the donkey's ass.

-Katsumi! You watch your mouth.

Especially in front of Grandpa.

Shame, shame.

Hi, dear. How was practice?

I fell down, twice.

I swear I'll never learn the routine.

-Katsumi got into his dream college today,

here's the acceptance letter.

-Big deal!

I'm sure he's more interested in screwing that

bitch girlfriend of his.

-Eat me, slut!

You are queen of the high school whores!

-Shut up!

At least I'm not President of the National Pusher's Society.

-Holly, Katsumi, cut it out!

Why can't you two be more like your brother, Marvin?

-Hello?

Hi, Holllyy-yy-yy-yyy.

-Hi, Muff.

Hey, snot rag!

me and the girls have a plaaannnnn.

It's wicked, and wild.

It'll destroy our number one enemy.

-You mean, Sally?

-Yeah.

-So, what's the plan, Muff?

-Don't you think

it would be sort of funny

if the principal received a letter

describing Sally's drug problem, you know?

-Wow! A nasty letter, huh?

-Sure.

And for it to be really convincing,

the letter would have to be siiiigned

by one of us.

-Who is this, "us?."

-Um...us.

You know, a fellow classmate, a fellow cheerleader,

some...concerned friend,

a trustworthy citizen,

somebody with a high grade-point-average.

High GPA!

High GPA!

High GPA!

-I don't know if I like this plan anymore...

-It's too late.

The principal got your letter...

this afternooooo-oo-oo-oo-oo-on!

-Oh, my God!

Bye Holly!

Bye, Holly!

Bye, Holly!

Bye, Hol--

-Holly, I talked to the lawyer again today, Holly.

He says that we have a very strong case, old man.

Your illness can be linked to your job at Good Machine

Chemicals.

God, that corporation really messed you up...

-Hello?

Hey, boyfriend,

let me give you the rundown.

Raul needs $20 worth of speed, Spencer wants the same amount.

And some new guy -- Fagtoast, he's called --

wants about $300 worth of crystal meth.

-Uh-huh....let's meet at the mall in 20 minutes,

and then we'll go to the Funzone.

Okay?

-Okay.

-Bye, Eightball.

-Gosh, we were just talking about you.

Have a seat, please.

-Thanks.

Well, I don't usually make house calls,

but, I've got some good news.

I have stumbled across some documents.

These documents link your father's illness with the job he

had several years ago.

According to these records, he assembled car batteries with no

protection of any sort.

No rubber gloves...

no shields...

and no safety precautions.

This is quite dangerous.

Don't you understand?

This case could win us millions, dig?

-Did you hear that?

How wonderful!

-There is one hitch, though.

As long as he is alive, we don't really have a financially viable

case.

Ma'am, your father must die before we can begin our

profitable...harvest, and

reap all that...

sweet...bookage.

You know?

Do you have a bathroom?

-I'll show you to it.

Here's the bathroom, Mr. Lawyer.

It's sort of my hideout.

Do you like it?

-Oh...

-Listen, do you think I'm pretty?

-Yes...very.

And also very young...

-Not that young.

And I'm not a stupid virgin, if that's what you're hinting at.

-So, you've experienced the joy, and...

ecstasy of the natural...

configuration of...

man and...woman?

-God, your big words turn me on!

-My dear Father, I won't let them get you for any amount of

money. Do you understand?

As long as I am alive, I will keep that greedy lawyer away

from your body nourishing IV's and life supporting tubes.

Oh! It's medicine time.

Ladies first...

You'll get yours in a little while.

God, I'd be a fool to say goodbye to this candy store.

-Did you like it, sir?

-Baby, baby...

You must be Katsumi.

I see you brought Eightball along.

-Hey Faggytoasty, where's your cash?

-You'll have to excuse me.

I just took a very satisfying dump.

I don't really do it in these public places very often,

but, I mean, who does, right?

Cut the poetry, Fagtoast.

Where's your $300?

-Oh, I see.

You want me to eliminate the verbosity,

and do all my talking with my wallet.

-This freak gives me the willies.

Let's leave this pig hole...

-Not so fast, pig girl.

-Hi, dear.

How was work?

-Bad.

Really bad...

Bad.

-What happened?

-I got another one of these damn things.

Another lousy death threat, that's three of these this week

alone.

-What does this one say?

-Well, the usual, "You're not wanted here.

You are to blame for America's problems.

If you don't quit we're going to tan your chink hind."

Jesus, I can't believe they still think I'm a chink.

I am not a chink, I'm a jap!

We're japs.

Chink is not the same as jap, there's a big, big difference.

-Hello?

-Hey, you...

stupid...

lying...

little hole!

-Oh, wait Sally, it wasn't my idea.

Let me explain--

-Explain?

Your dirty letter full of lies, just got me,

Sally, booted from the squad.

I'm gonna kill your ass.

You dirty mule.

-Stop waving that toy around, pork lover.

-Toy?

Ha!

You are mistaken, my okie dokie, smelly little friend.

This is no meer cap gun--

-That's a toy!

You shot me...

-That's correct,

my piggy, piggy, piggy little friend.

-Hey, how's the old man today?

-Oh, he's fine.

Weren't you good today?

I don't know why you bothered to talk to him.

He's a vegetable.

-He's my father, show a little more respect.

-Please, Sally, I still want us to be friends.

I'm really sorry.

-Oh, we'll see how sorry you are, Holly

when I show your parents the sex video.

-What sex video?

-Oh, you know...

the one you made with your daddy's video camera...

showing you, and Rex...

doing that salami dance.

-You're lying!

I know you don't have my video.

-Think again, loser.

Maybe I accidentally took it home with me after last

weekend's slumber party at your place.

-We got a letter from the community college today.

Good news for a change, they accepted Katsumi.

-Funny how that doesn't make me happy.

Let's face it, our boy Katsumi is a real blooming freak.

And that horror matinee girlfriend of his is a freak

too.

It's strange how Marvin turned out so much better than Katsumi.

-Yes.

Marvin is in his room right now studying.

And to think, he'll be a man in uniform at West Point next

year...

Oh, I'm so proud

-Let's not talk about next year.

We should be worried about now.

We have to prepare for the end, it is near.

I've already made my preparations,

I quit my job today.

We must be ready.

-You quit your job?

-That's correct.

-What about our financial situation?

I mean, with you out of work, and Holly's cheerleading camp

coming up, and, I mean, I don't know how we'll be able to make

ends meet.

-Don't worry about a thing, honey.

Now things may seem a bit strange,

but we have to have faith in something larger weather these

storms.

We must believe.

-This sucks.

What are we going to do?

-Don't tell my parents.

This type of thing freaks them out.

-Where's that video?!

Hello?

-I can't wait for your parents to see you...

spread eagle, then being porked by--

-Why don't you leave me alone?

-Whoa, slow down, Holly.

-Wow...

-Baby, baby...

I just called to tell you how much fun I had in your bathroom

this afternoon.

Me too, you know.

-Holly, listen...

I'm taking a trip to New York -- The Big Apple --

I wanted you to come with me tonight.

-Oh, my God.

I can't go, my parents wouldn't let me.

And besides, I'd be missing school.

-I'm sure you could come up with some cunning lies to cover your

tracks.

-Well, yeah.

Uh, I'm really good at lying.

-Good, this trip you will not regret,

and will never forget.

-God, it's late.

And I haven't even started dinner yet.

-Hey, don't sweat it.

Just order pizza, and have them deliver it to us.

-That's a great idea.

You know, home delivered pizza always reminds me of the old

days, when we were first married.

-And when you were still on the pill.

-Yeah, when you weren't impotent.

Eightball!

So do you understand what you're mission is?

-Yes, you want me to go back to the Funzone and sell exactly

$100 worth of drugs for you.

-Yeah, and then come right back.

I don't want you to blow that cash on speed,

smack, uppers, downers, panties...

-I understand.

I'm just sort of paranoid about going back to Funzone.

That creepy Fagtoast might be lurking around.

-Take this with you for protection.

Okay?

Who is it?

-It's your father.

Can I come in?

-Yeah, in a second.

Come in, Dad.

I got to go.

-So, Dad, did you hear the good news?

I got into my dream community college.

-I heard.

Listen, I'm really worried about you.

-What are you worried about?

I'm grown up.

You should be worried about Holly.

-Holly is fine.

She studies hard, gets good grades,

socializes with the smart crowd, and is a cheerleader.

Yeah...

but she doesn't have any fun.

Kazumi, there is more to life than fun.

-Hello?

-Hi, sugar-snatch, snack-a-roo.

-Oh, hi, Rex!

What's up?

Oh, you know, nothing.

-Where are you calling from?

-I'm calling from our phone.

You know, the one you lost your virginity in?

God, the night we popped your cherry was a night to remember.

Hubba!

Ah! Ah!

Hey, you know, if you change the 'R' to an 'S,'

"Rex" turns into "sex," right?

Rex, stop it, you're embarrassing me.

-Oh, Sugarbear, you are so hot.

You know, you really sizzled my wiener last night,

girly.

Yeah, it was a real weiner roast.

-Holly is a model of chastity, I know that for a fact.

Marvin is also a virtuous teen guy.

You, on the other hand, are an embarrassment to this family.

You are the mutated stain on the yellow silk of this clan.

-Rex?

-What?

-Well...

I...

am still a little bit worried about "it."

-What's "it?"

-You know...

my monthly visit.

-God, Rex!

I'm still waiting for my little friend...

to be...

you know?

My monthly visit?

My period, you birdhead!

I'm still waiting for my period!

And I hope to God your sperm hasn't knocked me up with your

love child.

-Hello?

-Hi, this is Sally.

-Hi, Sally.

Do you want me to get Holly for you?

-Oh, well, no.

You see, I'm sort of trying to organize something.

It's a surprise, for Holly.

-Hello, Eightball.

I'm surprised to see you here -- well, what with the messy

turn of events today, and everything.

-Are you going to shoot me, Fagtoast?

Why don't you do it now, and spare me your windbag,

fart gas, headache inducing speech, okay?

-I don't want to shoot you, Eightball.

If you must know, I kind of like your toughness.

But, I want to know what would make you come back here to

Funzone.

This place must surely hold for you

and your wounded Kazumi some unpleasant memories.

What would make you come back here?

-Revenge, my dear Fagtoast, revenge.

Now, empty your pockets you worm,

or I'll fry you.

-You see, Holly's been with the cheerleading squad for about a

year now.

And part of our tradition is that on your one year

anniversary with us, we throw you a surprise cake

and video party.

Where we all get to socialize and pig out,

and watch the notorious cheerleader bloopers video tape.

-You know, it does sound fun.

-Yeah, well, what I'd like to ask you,

though, is can we hold this at your house?

Like, later tonight?

I know it's short notice...

-Sure, I think it's a wonderful idea.

-Wow, faboo!

Listen, this is a secret party, so Holly can't know anything

about it, okay?

-How'd it go, Eightball?

-Fabulous, Kazumi, fabulous.

Hey, your leg looks kind of sick.

Forget my leg.

Did you get the money?

-I got you your money, and I also got us...

some really groovy drugs.

-Where'd you get this stuff?

-At Funzone, from our friend, Fagtoast.

-What?

-I hijacked him, and get a load of this...

over $1.000 cash.

-Hi, Marvin.

How's my favorite boy doing?

-Hi, Ma.

-I hope all your high school activities are going smoothly.

Math team, National Honor Society,

Science Club, Student United Nations.

I can't believe how much you do, and still manage to bring home

those good grades.

I think maybe you should relax a little bit.

I mean, well not neglect your studies completely,

or anything stupid like that, but like, you know.

Take a day off, go have some fun,

go out with a girl, socialize a little...

get laid.

-I had a super day today!

That nice Mr. Lawyer came by the house today.

-Is that right, dumpling?

-Yeah, he's so nice.

He said I was cute.

-Was your mother around when he said this to you?

-No.

-Well, when did he say this to you?

-Uh...

he said all this when the two of us were in the bathroom.

-Oh my God.

Now, Holly...

I want you to speak the truth to me, okay?

What happened in the bathroom?

Did he touch your buds?

-Please, Dad!

The lawyer is such a nice man, and he smells nice too.

-Holly, did he finger your buds?

Answer me, yes or no.

-Okay...

Yes...

-What else did the lawyer do to you?

Well...

-Did he try to get a base hit?

A double?

A triple?

Holly, he did he try to whack the mighty homerun?

-How are you this evening?

-Oh, I'm fine.

How about you?

-Oh, I'm fine.

Hey...

I think I saw you the other day.

-Where? At the supermarket?

-No...

-The savings and loan, maybe?

-No...

I hope you don't get too sore when you find this out,

but, my bedroom kind of looks into your bathroom.

And sometimes, you know, when you step out of the shower,

I can catch a glimpse -- well,

nothing x rated.

I swear!

-I had to pretend to be an electric pencil sharpener,

and I had to pretend to sharpen his pencil as fast as I could.

-Did you play any other games with the lawyer?

-No, just the pencil game.

He could only do that once.

Are you mad at me, Dad?

-No, dear...

you are my little doll.

I could never be mad at you for anything.

But, in the future, it is very important for you to think first

about your purity, and the purity of this family's name.

We may be called upon very soon to testify,

in which case it is important that we all be as pure as the

driven snow.

Do you understand?

-Oh, Dad, I love you.

-You'll have to pay me in some way.

-There's a lot more where this came from.

Plus a salad, any toppings you want -- a garlic bread?

-That sounds like a fair swap.

But as part of the deal, I also want you to bring me a piping

hot loaf of cheese bread.

-Okay...

Bye.

-I can tell by the way you're looking at me that you don't

approve of the way I acted around that pizza boy.

Well, before you say anything else,

let me just tell you that I have my own sexual needs and desires

that just aren't being met by you-know-who.

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Hello?

-Hello, Holly.

So you are all packed, right?

-Oh, my God. Yes, yes, yes!

-Well, good.

I can be outside your house in about 30 minutes.

-Okay, Tom Sawyer the lawyer...

Bye!

And the score is...Holly, six.

Rex...zero.

Yay!

-How does your leg feel?

-Sort of messy.

Hey, let's take some fo those drugs you stole from Fagtoast.

-Hm, that sounds suave.

You know what else we could do?

-No, what?

-We could figure out how we're going to spend this money.

I need a new image, new clothes, new hair,

maybe a new manicure.

I'm so sick of the tired way I look.

-Who is it?

It's me, Marvin.

-Come in.

Hi, Katsumi.

I was wondering if you have the vacuum cleaner.

-Vacuum cleaner...

Hey Marvin, come here.

I want to show you something.

I've been shot.

-Kazumi, you should get to a hospital.

-Confucius say hospitals, are for pussies.

-You're insane, you're going to bleed to death.

Hey, it's my life...

live fast, die young.

-Live, stupid, die dumb.

-Hey Marvin, what's wrong with you?

You seem a little distracted today.

-Oh, it's Ma.

She just won't get off my back.

One of these days, I'm going to explode.

-I have just the medicine for you.

This potion is a tonic for a troubled soul.

When you're feeling down, sniff some up,

you'll restore your optimism, and your zest...

that's a promise.

-Old man, you're so weak, and pathetic.

After the apocalypse, we won't have any more use for you.

Maybe I should just get rid of you right now.

Oh, greater powers give me a sign if you think I should do

away with the old man tonight.

-What happened?

-That...was a sign.

-God, I hate that stupid Rex boy.

What a creep!

I wish I had never met him and his sperm.

But he has that fast swimming sperm.

I read somewhere that those are the ones you're supposed to stay

far away from.

Oh, my God.

I have to pee.

I guess my moment of truth is near.

-The end is not near, the end is now.

Brick through the window, the death threats at work,

the final judgment process is beginning,

and I am ready.

-What are you looking for?

-A bottle. -Why?

-To pee into, waxhead.

That way, I don't have to leave your room.

You know how much I hate having to deal with your creepy family.

-What's going on here?

Puke-a-tee.

Puke-a-tee.

-Hello, Katsumi, Eightball.

Surprised?

-I thought you were the together teenage boy.

Now what?

You decide to get interested in this weirdo pervert trash?

This sick business of yours makes Katsumi look like an

angel!

-How did you find our par-tay?

-Well, after your darling Eightball mugged me at Fanzone,

she was careless enough to let me follow her back here

to this cozy hole.

And I stood outside that window, and I watched you count my

money, test drive each other's bodies,

and then, last but not least, sniff up my smack.

When the entertainment level, in this room dropped to zero.

Then I crawled through the window.

The pleasure's wrong, the pleasure must stop.

The pleasure is wrong, the pleasure must stop.

The pleasure is wrong, the pleasure must stop.

-We should get you to a counselor right away.

Probably too late to do you any good...

Marvin, you are not my son,

you will never be my son again.

But, you are the pervert in the back bedroom.

-One, two, three, four, five, six, seven

eight, nine, ten.

-I caught our son looking at a smut magazine,

and manhandling himself.

-Oh, I know all about Katsumi's habits.

He can't hide that masturbation routine from me.

Well, I've known about it since he was 14.

The stained underpants were the giveaway.

-I'm not talking about Katsumi...

it was Marvin.

-Well, I wouldn't get too upset, dear.

I mean, the way that boy works and studies,

it's only natural that he should let off a little steam by

fingering his thingy.

-Listen, the smut magazine he was looking at while he was

yanking it, was one of those men only magazines.

-What?

-Marvin, the pervert in the back bedroom.

Is...

is a...

I don't know what to call him.

He's a man lover.

-I've decided we're going to play a game,

and the game we're going to play is called "Me."

And this is how it works; I can do whatever I want to do.

But the two of you, however, are not allowed to do anything.

Oh, there's one more rule.

If you shout for help or try to escape,

I get to shoot you.

Who the hell are you?

And what do you want?

-I want to talk to Katsumi, now.

-You want to talk to Katsumi?

Oh, look, Katsumi has a message for you.

He says, "Go hang yourself, you pathetic geek!"

-They hung up on me!

-What about our money, man.

-Tonight, we're going to have our own Pearl Harbor!

-Yeah!

-Dear, let's talk about this later.

I don't think Grandpa should have to listen to anymore this

messiness.

-Will you forget about him for a second?

We are in the midst of a major family spiritual crisis.

We must purify ourselves, and we must begin with Marvin.

-Stop it!

I don't want to hear any more of this.

-I swear you're sick too--

What am I going to do with this family of freaks?

Hi, where's the VCR?

-You two punks are insipidly weak and are going to pay for

being so dumb.

-You lizard!

-I'm sick of you Katsumi.

I'm going to have to shoot you.

I-- I don't get it.

I didn't shoot...

-Kazumi is dead.

How about that?

-God, Holly is right about that period thing.

I might be a father soon...

I don't know.

Doesn't scare me...

I'm all grown up.

-Hi, so nice to see you again.

How are you?

Oh, excuse me.

You will never be my son again,

you are the pervert in back bedroom.

the pervert in the back bedroom...

the pervert in the back bedroom...

-One, two, gonna stick it in you!

Three, four, babay, we won't close our doors.

Five, six--

-Are you ready?

-Yeah.

-'Cause you're T-I-R-E-D!

You're tired!

That's you.

And the administration, put crabs in your fish tanks

Ka-boom!

Grandpa, grandpa, dear old man.

Judgment day is now in hand, I'll survive to see the dawn.

But you're not man enough to come along.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Another innocent man swept into my ring of fire.

Another little child about to be sucked into the wretched world

of the Bangkok sex industry.

In just a few weeks, Holly will be a brainwashed child porno

star with no link to her suburban past.

Hey, watch the Beamer!

I'll sue your ass!

Shut up, brats!

Here comes Holly!

Oh, Holly!

What are you doing with that pillow?

You're so silly.

Oh, there's Rex.

-Surprise, Holly!

I hope your mom is enjoying your special home movies.

-Holly-- what-- Oh, my God!

Hi, girls.

-Marvin-- Marvin go back to--

Someone turn off this filth!

I'm Marvin, I'm on drugs!

And I'm the pervert in the back bedroom!

-Shut up!

Shut up!

I guess I'm gonna have to shoot you...

and then it'll all seem like some kind of lover's suicide.

Isn't romance touching?

Where's Katsumi?

-Hi, Mr. Skinhead.

You're here to take me away, right?

You're here to rescue me!

Get me out of here, please.

Get me out of here!

-Beelzebub's army has finally arrived.

Dirty agents of the apocalypse are trying to get my pure

family.

I must decimate those phynx.

You're lucky, old man.

You might live to see the new day,

you can thank me later.

Now, I must protect my flock.

Mr. Skinhead...

I think I like you.

-Don't you ever touch Adolf!

-So, what now, Fagtoast?

-This is it Eightball.

Bye- bye.

-This is it Eightball, bye-bye.

This is it Eightball, bye-bye!

-Ahhhhh!

-Oh, my God.

This is too weird.

Number Eight, calling mothership.

Number Eight, calling mothership.

Research mission completed.

Will be returning with specimen for further analysis.

-Holly! Holl--

Take these flowers.

I bought them for you. They'd be perfect--

Holly! Marry me!

I love you!

Holly!

Holly?

-Hiya, Tom Sawyer the lawyer.

I brought you a gift, I hope you like roses.

-Konichiwa.

That means, "Thank you."

Let's go.